THANKFUL FRIDAY

Placed

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Placed"

Yesterday morning, as I was cleaning up my breakfast dishes, the weight of all the things that need to be done settled down onto my shoulders. I looked down at the soapy sponge in my hand with a frown and wondered how on earth I was going to get everything done by the time it needs to be done. I had slept fitfully, dreaming about searching for a campsite, reading the map wrong, finding a place to pitch a tent and then pitching that tent in a pool of water. Standing at the kitchen sink, I had a sense that maybe I have taken on more than I can handle and that I'm about to make some serous mistakes that will leave us sleeping in a tent filled with water. This is what I get for filling my calendar with things I care about like marching for science and fighting the AIDS epidemic on top of just daily life stuff. 

I will get the things done that need to be done in the time they need doing. 

It's a good mantra. So good, that I will even share it with you so that you may use it in those moments when you are overwhelmed with the tasks ahead. With this mantra fully planted in my brain, I looked back out the window and noticed that the rain had stopped and the skies were clearing. I rolled my scooter out of the garage and Michael came out to head to work. He said "You know it's raining?!" and I replied "I know that is was raining, but it isn't now." I zipped to work, dodging rain puddles and reminding myself to at least try to be careful on the wet roads. I arrived to work dry and unscathed and filled with joy. 

My friend, Eagle, posted a thing on facebook this week about "what if" and how often the 'what if' keeps us from moving forward. He said that instead of asking "what if?", how about asking "why not?" It is a wise flip of the switch and one that I have always struggled with. I'd like to think that I am really good at playing the 'what if' game, but the truth is that I am constantly losing at that game. Why not just do my best and try to get a little bit done each day? This question lifts the weight of 'what if' clean off my shoulders. I am thankful for the reminder to flip the switch and I am thankful for my mantra. 

I am thankful for scooter days and time spent on my mat. I am thankful for green beans and Brussel sprouts. I am thankful for successful moments at work. I am thankful for this cup of coffee that is setting to my left. I am always always always thankful for you. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of doing our part to protect this planet. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of science (which plays a big part in protecting this planet). And here's to a perfectly peaceful Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

They're like little hats

8 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "They're like little hats"

I went to upload some pictures to foap earlier this week. It had been awhile since I had added anything new. I've sort of lost interest and even forget about foap because I haven't sold any pictures. The market is saturated with images. This app is turning into more of a social media app with options to enter contests. I have plenty of 'likes' and 'four stars' on this app, but how many social media 'likes' and 'four stars' do I really need. I also don't have time to keep up with it all. The same is true for other apps I've been using to sell some clothes I never wear. I am this close to pulling the plug on both of them and just sending all my clothes to thredUp and just taking whatever they give me for them. Anything to just get them out of the house. I lack the patience required for online boutique ownership. Turns out that online selling for me is about the same as putting together a garage sale. A lot of work for not a lot in return. 

Back to the pictures. I was scrolling through my phone pictures for things to upload and I realized that most of the pictures in my phone right now are pictures of flowers. There are enough flowers inside my phone to fill several vases. Spring has brought the usual pops of color with all varieties of tulips and redbud trees. The side walks are dusted with flower petals as if someone's been skipping around tossing confetti. Spring time is beautiful and apparently I tend to photograph a whole lot of it. I don't think it's so much because of the flowers as much as it is because of the colors. I do the same thing in the Fall. The flower pictures will be replaced with tons of pictures of leaves in various form. Right now, I am enamored with the white tulips that are blooming at work. In the mornings, the are closed up tight, but by the afternoon they have all opened up to look like little hats. If I look at them under just the right angle of sunlight, the white petals become almost transparent. The kind of skin you can see through. 

I am thankful for the bright colors of Spring. I am thankful for the ability to see those colors. I say that because I'm just about out the door, headed to the eye doctor. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach a fun and very successful yoga workshop last weekend. It gave me a renewed sense of teaching confidence that I needed. I am thankful for cauliflower. I am thankful scooter days. I am thankful for moments on my yoga mat. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend of adult Easter egg hunts and colored eggs and blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Rainbow 🌈

12 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Rainbow 🌈"

Wednesday evening, I was putting my things in my car before yoga class so that I wouldn't have to lug in my backpack and lunch bag. There was a sizable gray cloud sitting over us, dumping buckets of rain, but the sun had broken through in the west and was shining through the rain. I grabbed my phone and ran to the other side of the parking garage because I had a feeling that something spectacular was going to appear in the east. I knew that the conditions were perfect rainbow making conditions. And there is was. A giant arching rainbow stretched it's way across the eastern skyline. I hesitated to take the shot at first because I was sort of stopped in my tracks by how close to my human body the rainbow seemed to be. 

Usually, when we see rainbows, they are off in the distance. They appear unreachable. I remember there was a moment during our drive to the Alabama coast when we had reached a particularly flat area of Missouri, maybe close to the Tennessee boarder. It had rained on us as we drove through Missouri (or at least every time Michael was behind the wheel, it rained; the minute I took over the rain would stop and he'd go ballistic). We were traveling along a small highway and, in what seemed like far off in the distance, we could see a rainbow from end to end. It was the kind of rainbow you would chase because you knew that there had to be a pot of gold at the end. We never got close to that rainbow, even though we were driving towards it. The rainbow I witnessed on Wednesday had a visible start/end. I could have easily walked over to the neighborhood and been standing in the foot of that rainbow.

I don't think I have ever seen, so clearly, the actual foot of a rainbow. It was clear enough for me to determine that it was at least in the parking lot of the Gates BBQ place over there. I know many of you are thinking 'pots of BBQ gold!'. Gates is supposed to be one Kansas City's best. I wouldn't know because there's nothing on their menu that doesn't contain meat, but this would not stop me from running over to their parking lot in order to stand under an actual rainbow foot. Time was the limiting factor in this case because that part of the rainbow faded and disappeared before I could take a second shot. I was lucky to get that first picture. I was reminded of a scene from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Walter finally tracks down this photographer he's been looking for all over the globe. The photographer, played by Sean Penn, has been staked out on a snowy mountain waiting to get a rare shot of a snow leopard. When the leopard finally appears, he hesitates. He doesn't take the shot, instead he just looks at the leopard. The photographer tells Walter that sometimes it's about not taking the picture. 

I am thankful for that moment before I took the picture. I am thankful for the realization that I was witnessing something new through my eyes and not through a lens. Sure, I'm pretty happy and thankful that I got a picture, but that moment just before was the sweetest. 

I am thankful for all of those who registered to attend my yoga workshop tomorrow. I'm still a little amazed that people were so interested. I am also a tiny bit nervous. I am thankful for the sun that has been bright and shining these last two days. I am thankful clean sheets. I am thankful for this body as it is in this moment. I am thankful for Moon Cheese. And as always, I am thankful for you. Hope your weekend is simply fantastic and your Friday is truly a Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week

1 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "This week"

I have taken a picture of the same view every day this week. At first the view was just a reflection of that day of the week. Monday was dreary and rainy. The focus was on the raindrops that had collected on the windows, leaving the background of trees and buildings hazy and blurry. Tuesday brought us drizzle and more rain. By Wednesday I was hoping to show a progression of clouds giving way to open sky and sun, but the sun only peaked through the clouds late in the afternoon, just before sunset. The next day brought us more clouds and more rain bringing us into Friday fully soaked and saturated. April showers showed up a week early around here, but it has been much needed. Missouri is behind on precipitation amounts for the year. 

This is what I have reminded myself every day this week when I've walked through the garage to see my scooter and bicycle gathering dust. We need the rain. I have whispered this under my breath every time I've wrestled with Josephine to clean off her wet paws. The rain is a blessing. This phrase has become a mantra as I gaze out the window in search of warmth. I am grateful for the rain for all the obvious reasons. We need rain to make things grow and replenish our lakes and rivers. This gratitude does not come easily for someone like me who has been known to curl up on a window ledge filled with sunlight. A week without much sun exposure leaves me slightly groggy. When it became clear that Tuesday was going to look like Monday, Wednesday like Tuesday and Thursday like Wednesday, I knew that I needed to find my sunshine in other ways. So, this week I have found sunshine in the yolk of the eggs I've eaten from our chickens. There was sunshine floating in a vase on a table in the lunch room at work. There was a moment when the sun could be spotted in a puddle littered with delicate white petals. I found warmth from the sun in my daily cup of tea. I am thankful for cloudy weeks that force me to look for the sun in places other than the sky.

This wraps up a week of changes in eating habits and more intense cardio. The scale says that I'm not any lighter, but I feel better simply because I've taken some action. We will see how the weekends derail all the healthy eating I do during the week, especially now that I've started tracking my meals. My new mantra is "I'm doing great. I'm eating healthy and exercising. I am healthy." I am healthy. I am doing my best to put the numbers aside and focus on the healthy. I am thankful that I am healthy. I am thankful for a whole lot, but most especially, I am thankful for you.

Have a great weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It begins

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "It begins"

Monday was the first day of Spring and Tuesday I noticed the first tulip bloom as if a director had just stage whispered "Tulips, enter stage left.....NOW!" I have struggled with what to write for today's post, have in fact deleted a number of different entries. Spring always rattles me and I become easily distracted. A list of things that I want to do or that I feel needs doing begins to form in my head, often becoming too long and therefor overwhelming. This week, I have remembered that I have planned nothing for this year's garden. I realized this as I noticed one sprig of asparagus sticking up out of the ground in the garden bed by the back door. The garden beds are currently cleaned out with the exception of a weed here and there. The soil has not been turned or mulched or fertilized. They are empty slates waiting for the next thing.

Gratitude comes in the smallest, simplest of ways this week. It is the beginning of the Monet season where landscapes become impressionist paintings and every thing takes on a dreamy quality. I welcome it every Spring despite the sneezes and runny nose. I am thankful for the variety of blooms that pop up out of the ground and way the air smells after it rains. I am thankful for those days I ride the scooter and have to race the rain. I am thankful for moments of quiet stuck between moments of bustle. I am thankful for time to clean out so that I can be like those garden boxes, waiting for the next thing.

I am thankful for you.

Here's to a spectacular weekend and short and sweet Thankful Friday.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Goose

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Goose"

Time changes always mess me up. Even when I've planned for them and I know they are coming. That first night when Mom and I were in Ireland, I woke up and realized that Mom was also awake. I asked her for the time and she said "5:30 AM". I decided that I might as well go ahead and get up and do some yoga and was about half way through my practice when I noticed the time on my phone said that it was really just after midnight Ireland time. I announced this to Mom and said "I'm going back to bed." We both did and then woke up at a more reasonable time a few hours later. Of course that was a five hour time change, but apparently I handle one hour time changes about the same. 

The time change and the transition into Spring have made for some really interesting dreams. One night I dreamed that I was out hiking. I walked to a place where I had to climb onto a log in order to paddle over to an island made of cork. The ground was soft and squishy under my hiking boots and covered with moss and tiny ferns. I made my way to the visitor center which was in a small shack next to a water tower, both made of cork. The water tower leaked. The old man at the visitor center told me that they had a problem with couples coming to the island and stealing bear cubs to take home as pets. The bears on the island were angry and the campground was now surrounded by a bear proof fence that was locked at night. I woke up before I decided what to do next. The next night, I dreamed that I went to work without pants bringing a whole new level to Casual Friday. When my boss saw me, he said "Cindy. You're not wearing pants." I scowled at him and replied "You're not even supposed to be here today so shut up." Then I tugged my T-shirt down a little to be sure it was covering my granny-panty clad ass. I don't know what happened next because I woke up thinking it was Friday, but it was really Thursday.

This has been a week of change. That Patty Loveless song about saying goodbye has been playing in the back of my mind for days. That song always makes me cry, but it is the line about 'life is about changing' that has been on loop in my brain, the words circling around and around like an airplane banner. Often those changes come in subtle quite ways, sneaking in so that they are hardly noticed, like the slow growth of green that starts to spread over things with the coming of Spring. These are the changes that we crave without fearing. The bigger, more sudden changes, like a snow storm after a week of 75 degree weather, are the ones that leave us slightly timid to venture forward. This is the time of year when I am reminded to embrace both kinds of changes. I am reminded to be mindful that change happens every day and that it is how I react to the change that is important. I am thankful for the changes of this week. I am thankful for changes to come. I am thankful for crazy dreams that hint of adventures to come and an acquired boldness.

I am thankful for a turn in the weather because we promised the Cabbage weeks ago that we would go camping this weekend. We are headed to the Joplin KOA with plans to visit the George Washington Carver National Park. I am thankful that my mom will be able to join us for the day. I am thankful for vegetarian sloppy joes. I am thankful for the moments I have had on my yoga mat. I am thankful that Josephine didn't attack Marguerite (the chicken) who escaped while Michael was refilling the chickens' water. I am thankful that Marguerite was more interested in the new water than she was being chased around the yard. I am thankful for moments of stillness. I am thankful for you.

Hope your weekend is full of warmth and that you have a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunshiny day

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Sunshiny day"

I wrote this whole entry about how we set the camper up on Sunday to get it ready for the camper's first adventure this weekend. Then I had to delete it because we canceled the trip due to freezing temperatures and snow that is supposed to hit here on Saturday. I tried really hard to be stubborn about it and say that I could totally camp in the snow, but we all know that I can only grumble when it snows. I'm not good at being cold. I thought it was something I could get used to, but I notice that the older I get, the more intolerable the cold becomes. So, after checking the weather twenty times last night, I looked at Michael and held up a white flag. The good news is that the camper is ready to go for next weekend when we plan to take the Cabbage out for her first KOA experience. 

We have the wanderlust real bad right now and the camper exasperates it. On the weekends that the weather has been perfect for camping, we've had other obligations. The month of April has something on the calendar every Saturday except Easter. Which is great because that means we can be part of the big gay Easter egg hunt at Terry's. I was looking forward to a weekend away with just the two of us, one that wasn't centered around errands and chores. So you know what? I'm still going to treat this weekend like we are out of town. I'll go to yoga in the morning and then come home and drag Michael out of bed. We'll go the Nelson and maybe find an arcade. I'll dig out the Uno cards and make some queso dip or guacamole and challenge Michael to a game of strip Uno. We'll drink hot spiced cider while watching the snow fall. I am thankful for a weekend that has left us with no plans. I am thankful for giving myself permission to say no to camping this weekend in the snow. 

I am thankful for all the wonderful donations that have been made to my AIDS Walk Fundraising page. You guys are awesome! I am thankful for the random email from someone I don't know all that well asking me how I was doing because they know the winter is hard for me. I am thankful for free donuts. I feel like I've done some good work this week and I'm thankful for this. I am thankful for Buddha bowls with BBQ roasted tempeh. I am always thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend without chores and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Not a cloud

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Not a cloud"

Wednesday morning, I got to my desk and then plopped down onto a cushion for fifteen minutes of meditation. It is a habit I had tried to form last year, but with all the traveling and office move the habit didn't stick. I set it aside and didn't think about it, but Wednesday I looked at my desk and said "I am going to meditate before starting anything." I didn't do it because it was the first day of Lent. I didn't do it as part of anything other than I just wanted to do it. I repeated the act on Thursday, which was probably the worst meditation practice I have ever practiced, but I sat there for fifteen minutes trying really hard. I repeated the practice on Friday morning with a slightly better meditation moment than Thursday's. I do not know if this is the beginning of a good habit or just a momentary thing. I have started and stopped a routinely meditation practice so many times before. Stuff bubbles up when you are still and quiet and I don't really like dealing with that stuff that makes me feel human emotions. Maybe it is time to feel human emotions. I am thankful for the meditation this week as well as the time well spent on my yoga mat. 

There was a meeting this week for people volunteering with the AIDS Walk Open. One woman there is a woman I have worked with in the Memorial Booth every year. She said hello to me and then asked me if I thought about doing photography professionally. She said she loved looking at my pictures and reading the blog. She is not the first person this week to say something kind to me about the photos that I take. I am thankful for those compliments and encouragement because they come to me at a time when I am struggling to get the camera out to take a picture. I am uninspired by my current view. I have a sticky note on my desk that reads "Shoot with a mindful eye." I scribbled those words down a while back when I was watching a photography class on shooting in black and white. I feel like my mindful eye is broken or tired. I see things. I'm just not sure those things are worthy of shooting. So, not only is it surprising to hear praise about my work, it is also encouraging. 

This is a busy weekend. I will be subbing the Saturday morning yoga class at Sunshine Yoga tomorrow morning from 9:00-10:30 AM. I feel like I'm slowly being dragged (kicking and screaming) out of this teaching hiatus I've been in over the last five years. I am equal parts thankful and nervous. Saturday afternoon, Michael and I will be volunteering for the AIDS Walk Open where we will be Hole Patrol over the mini golf hole at the Ragazza. The AIDS Walk Open is a big fundraising event for the AIDS Walk. We are both prepared to sell as many mulligans and raffle tickets for the cause as we can. I am really excited about volunteering at this event this year. I can't wait to see the teams that come through and judge their costumes. (I'm still mad we didn't win the best costume award for last year. We were robbed!) They are predicting to have about 130 teams this year. That's a lot of money raised for the AIDS Walk Foundation. This is something to easily be thankful for. Don't forget! You can always make a donation to my AIDS Walk Fundraising page!

There's a lot to be thankful for on this Friday. I hope your weekend is filled with joy and that you have a truly Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Morning #makelight

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Morning #makelight"

I wrote a lengthy entry on Wednesday talking about Santosha and teaching yoga. Santosha is one of the Niyamas, the eight-limbed path of yoga and is sanskrit for contentment. It was entry about how I might have been using contentment as an excuse to be complacent or I've just been telling myself I'm content when I'm really just lazy. I spent a lot of time on that post. Then I hit the save button and an error page showed up on the screen. I couldn't get anywhere or do anything on the blog because there was some kind of glitch. When I was finally able to get back onto the site, my entry was gone. Wah wah. I did consider trying to rewrite that entry, but I am either content to let it go or too lazy to try to recreate it. 

I ordered a really cute skirt online back in January. It was my birthday present to myself. The skirt is covered with brightly colored elephants. When it arrived, I tried it on and it didn't fit. It was too small. This made me sad for a few reasons. First of all I was sad about my waistline. Then I was sad I couldn't wear my cute new skirt. Then I was sad because I had to go through the whole return process, which just the act of putting a stamp on something these days feels like a hassle. I received a gift card for the full price of the skirt and it has been sitting in my inbox for some time while I decided what I should do next. I had had some time to think about that skirt and now I wasn't so sure if it was the most practical purchase. Maybe I should use the gift card to buy a blouse or some pants. 

I was mulling this over while chatting with Talaura and I showed her my options. She said that she still loved the skirt. I explained that I couldn't really wear it to work because my legs have to be covered. I said it may be a more practical option to buy pants. Then she replied:

Then I told Talaura that she's a good friend and I bought the skirt in a size that would fit me. Of all the places she told me to wear that skirt, it was the one about wearing it to Saturday morning breakfast by myself that made tears prick in the corners of my eyes. Talaura is also the person who gave me a 'merit' badge that reads didn't please everyone. Because she knows me. 

Lena Dunham's character in Girls said in the latest episode "it's hard to know what is going on with others when you are focused on yourself." When I watch that show, I'm not watching it in expectation of hearing any words of wisdom. Girls is a guilty pleasure, but I took that sentence and flipped it around. It is hard to know what is going on with yourself when you are focused on others. This is what I tend to do. I spend a lot of time and energy making life easier for those around me, more so than I spend on taking care of myself or doing nice things for myself.  I am thankful for Talaura for being a good friend and for reminding me to do nice things for myself. 

I am thankful for the days this week where I was able to ride my scooter. I am thankful the patch of poison ivy on my collar bone is clearing up. I am thankful for the bowl full eggs on our kitchen counter. I am thankful for those moments that usually happen early in the morning, when I let Josephine back in from a bathroom break and she wiggles herself under my comforter until she is no longer visible. I am thankful for a skirt covered with elephants. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Paper hearts

10 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Paper hearts"

Michael and I watched the Arrival this week and my first thought was that Eric Heisserer and Ted Chiang really get grief. Or maybe that was an unintentional thing. I don't know but in those scenes when Louise is flashing back to what we think are memories and those memories make her breath catch and bring her to her knees, I was like "yeah...it's just like that." Even the good memories can be like being slammed in the chest with a sledge hammer. That saying about time healing all wounds is partially right. Those heart stopping breath catching moments happen more infrequently these days. Something to be thankful for in a mixed blessing kind of way.

My second thought about the movie was that language and communication is hard. It is complex. It is mind boggling complex. It has never been more apparent to me then it is right now with how this president has aided in creating such a divided country just how complex language truly is. There are people in rural America who believe that those of us who do not support this president, mostly those of us in cities, do not believe in family, do not believe in community or country. I am not talking about right wing extremists. I am talking about regular hard working people. Like me. Really, that's the thing. Like me. We share more beliefs than we think. It's just that somehow we've lost the ability to communicate to each other about these things. My family may not look like your family. My family is made up of a conglomerate of blood relations and friends who I wouldn't know how to survive without. If any one of those people called me today and said "I need you." I would drop everything and go. I am thankful for this family I have created. 

I donate monthly to Donors Choose and Planned Parenthood and I raise money every year for the AIDS Walk of Kansas City (You can donate to my AIDS Walk Page here!). I do these things because I care about my community. This is my way of giving back to my community. I support legislation that provides health care for all because healthy people build a healthy community. I support inclusion of people of different religions and races because I believe that diversity builds stronger and safer communities. I recycle and pick up trash when I am walking in the neighborhood because I believe that a healthy environment makes a healthy community. I am thankful for my community. I support taxing corporations who outsource their labor to other countries. I do my best to buy local products to support small business. I support legislation that provides better benefits for our veterans. I vote every time we are asked to vote on an issue, every time, not just for presidential elections. I believe this country is already a great country, filled with amazing people and great innovation. I am thankful for this country and the freedoms we are allowed. 

So you see, Rural America, we are not all that different from you. Most of us any way. I am finding gratitude in our similarities today. I am also thankful that we are no longer sick in this house. I am thankful for the boat load of eggs we've gotten from the chickens this week. I am thankful for warmer temperatures and dog walks. I am thankful for being well enough to be back on my yoga mat. I am thankful for this weird super cushiony standing mat they gave me for my standing desk. I've been hopping around on it like a crazy person. I am thankful for this video of Mia the Beagle that my friend Heather shared with me. 

I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One thorn

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 6 likes

I've been sick. Really, I'm still sick. Michael is sick. The Cabbage missed two days of school this week because she was sick. She's the only one that's feeling better. I'm trying not to harbor ill will over it. I stayed home two days this week with a fever. By the second day, I was running out of crap to watch on TV and bored with inactivity. I decided to wash all of the comforters, Lysol the pillows and the rest of the house and change the sheets on the beds. It's a challenge to change the sheets on my bed on a good day. The mattress sits down into the bed frame and the bed is pressed up against one wall. I always feel like I'm roping and tying up a calf while I am wrangling the fitted sheet onto the bed. On a bad day, the act of putting that fitted sheet onto the bed feels like the last thing you'll ever do. But I did it! We all slept on clean sheets that night. 

Some times at the end of a week I find that I am truly thankful for the simplest of things. Particularly when that week has been emotionally and physically difficult. I have been quick to anger and easily brought to tears. My patience is thin and my give a shit level is low (or high depending on how you look at it). I communicate in the least amount of words I can get by with just to be on the safe side of not snapping a head off or hurting feelings. I've taken very few pictures and written very few words. I've shoved ugly memories away and wondered why after five years it doesn't get easier. It just gets more complicated. I am happy with the direction my life has taken, yet sad about. Guilty not guilty. Not lonely but lonely. Missing without missing.

These are weeks when gratitude takes effort. I am thankful for Kleenex and ibuprofen. I am thankful for those clean sheets I put on the bed even though the act of doing so almost made me pass out. I am thankful for the Spring like temperatures we have here today. I am thankful that I am no longer running a fever. I am thankful for lemons and honey and echinacea. I am thankful for kind notes from friends. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend of healing and a beautiful Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Walk!

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 4 likes

Monday evening, I got home from work and the sun was still up and the temperatures where near sixty. I wrangled Josephine into her walking harness and hooked on her leash just as she grabbed the middle section of her leash and pulled towards the door. She always wants to be clear; she is walking me and not the other way around. We stepped outside and headed out onto the sidewalk with Josephine's little feet dancing from smell to smell. We walked to the park where Josephine sniffed noses with another pooch who was there with his people and wiggled her butt at other walkers on the trail. 

It has been months since I have taken Josephine for a walk after work. The lack of daylight and cooler weather just zapped me. I gave it a good try and ended up walking in the dark for a while, Michael didn't care for that. He bought me a personal alarm that I am supposed to clip to my coat. There's a plastic pin, like a grenade, that I pull if someone is attacking me and the clip starts screeching in a loud high pitched alarm sound. When he gave it to me, he clipped it to my coat and said "Okay. Someone's coming at you. What do you do?" I grabbed the pin and threw it across the living room. In the scramble to retrieve the pin and stop the alarm, Michael knocked the pin under the china cabinet that has a very low clearance with the floor. His giant man hands had a hard time recovering the pin. If the attacker feels like he needs to go after the pin and things turn out like they did for Michael, I think I'll be fine. Any way, it is not the dark that upsets me as much as it is the cold. 

We've reached that part of winter where it is obviously still winter. Today's temperatures are in the thirties, but occasionally there's a mix up (or global warming...it's really because of global warming) and we get a day that is filled with sun and Spring like temperatures. I am always thankful for those days and do what I can to make the most of the sunshine. I am even more thankful that this opportunity presented itself at the beginning of the week. It set a tone of calmness and reflection that I have not been making enough time for and the result has been reflected in my response to conflict. I've taken a moment to reason before reacting. This does not mean I'm backing down from my fight against racism and anti-science and all of the other horrible things the Trump administration represent. It just means I won't stoop to the level of "your mother" in my attacks and defenses. My weapons are truth and reasoning and critical thinking. My goal is not to increase the divide but to convince those on the other side to have compassion and empathy for others not like them. "Do unto others...."

On Tuesday, I discovered four eggs in the chicken coop. On Wednesday I went to yoga class and discussed setting up a time with Shannon to go over the workshop I have developed for yoga straps. On Thursday, I spent a minute laying in a sunny windowsill. On Friday, I re-watched a video that Amy sent me from Charolette that began with "Cindy...I love you." and ended with "chickens poop and eggs come out." This has been a good week filled with gratitude. I hope that you have had moments in the week to be thankful for as well. Here's to a quiet weekend and a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Smiling yeast #science #scienceiscool

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Earlier this week, Michael was ranting about the latest ridiculous tweet from our President (it is becoming an evening ritual) and he said to me "You should run for office!" I just rolled my eyes and walked away. The next day someone had posted an article about scientists now making a push to get elected to local, state and federal office. It just makes sense to have people who understand the science, make policies for said science. I shared the article on my newsfeed and then had a number of people comment on how they would vote for me if I ran. You guys are sweet, but I'm not running for office. Do you know how much I hate public speaking? Do you know how much public speaking you have to do when you run for office? Answers to both of those questions are equal. 

It is the end of the first week for this new President and I feel like I have been yelling all week. Week one and I'm already exhausted. I just thought that I had grown out of my activist phase, like activism is for the younger folks. Except now I find myself on the defense against a President who doesn't know the difference between a fact and a lie, who wants to censure scientists, and a population of people who think lying is perfectly okay. I don't want this blog to become a place where I am constantly pointing out injustices and wrongs and public service. And I'm not going to let that happen. When I realized this was only week one, I vowed to step back and pace myself because there's a long road ahead. 

So, here's some stuff I am thankful for this week. First of all, I'm thankful for all the sweet "I'd vote for you" comments. It means a thing or two that you guys have that kind of confidence in me. I am thankful, as a scientist, that I still have a job and that no one has come to burn me for a witch (yet). I am thankful for all of the scientists who, despite gag orders, have stepped up to make their voices heard. I am thankful that we are getting a camp trailer and will spend the summer traveling to some National Parks before something bad happens to them. Michael found an egg in the chicken coop. This might mean the chickens are going to start laying eggs again. I am thankful for that one egg. 

I am always thankful for you.

Hope your Friday is filled with things to be grateful for. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Roy Blunt Mobile office staff. We're letting our voices be heard. #indispensable #kcmo

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This week, I attended a mobile office event for Roy Blunt, I signed myself up to attend a Women's March Event, and I put mine and Michael's name on the volunteer list for the AIDS Walk Open. Then I went over and updated my AIDS Walk fundraising page because it's never too early to start raising money. This year is starting to look like a year of activism, something I felt I wouldn't be involved in at this stage of my life. I think back to when I was younger and less disillusioned and I dragged Chris, Amy and Brian to our first Red River Democracy meeting. We believed that we could make a real difference in the state of Oklahoma. At least I believed it for a while. (I kid you not, Cold Play's 'Fix You' just started playing while I'm typing this.) It became painfully obvious that a large number of Oklahomans did not want the same kind change and good things that I wanted for that state.   

The mobile office event, even though we were talking to staffers who were writing every thing down to pass on to the senator, reminded me that I may not have the same passion as I did then, but I still have a desire. That event also reminded me that I can talk to my senator about things that matter to me whenever I want even if I didn't vote for that person. I have a voice. YOU have a voice. There's no reason we have to sit back and just let our congress people and representatives do whatever they want and then listen to them say they are looking out for their constituents. It is our responsibility to make them accountable and to make sure they know what exactly their constituents want from them.

There were about fifty people crammed into a very small meeting room for the mobile event, more than Roy Blunt's staff members had ever had to deal with at one of these things. All of us shared our concerns over losing the Affordable Care Act (without even a hint of a plan to take it's place), the quickness in vetting cabinet members without proper background checks and investigations, what will become of our teachers if vouchers are put in place, and what's going to be done about a President who continues to bully and use hateful speech. I am thankful for everyone of those voices. Because of the size of our group, I feel like our voices are bound to be heard. I am thankful for the glimpse of my younger more passionate self. I am thankful for the reminder that real change happens on a local level. 

I am thankful for some major successful experiments that I did at work this week. I am thankful for all the greens I've eaten this week. I am thankful for those moments in the middle of the night when I feel Josephine get up from her spot at the end of the bed and move to curl up into a ball at my side. I am thankful that Michael put air filters in the furnace (something I've never done because I couldn't figure out how or where). I went to dust the house last night and there was hardly any dust. I am thankful for the perfectly poached egg that I ate for breakfast this morning and I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend of hopefully not sliding around on ice and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Snow day ❄️

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Thursday morning, I got out of bed and proceeded as usual even though I knew that there was a fresh white layer of snow outside. I knew the snow was coming, but assumed that it wouldn't be a problem other than adding time to my commute. Once I was dressed, I bundled up and headed out to the garage to dig out the leaf blower/snow blower and an extension cord. I was fighting with the extension cord when Michael banged on the kitchen door window. "What are you doing?" His question came out around his mouthguard with a slight lisp. I told him that I was digging out the leaf blower to unbury the cars and then he said that his school had sent a text saying that they were going to be closed. 

I stood there with the extension cord (that may or may not have a good plug because the dog chewed the ends off one of our cords) in the dark cold garage. The light went out in the garage weeks ago and neither of us have felt like climbing a ladder to replace it. I let Michael convince me to set the extension cord down and come inside to at least eat my oatmeal and watch the news. He continued to plead his case for staying put. His truck was blocking my car in the driveway. There was uncertainty about whether or not he would even be able to get his truck back up into the driveway if he moved it. The news was showing cars going nowhere on the highway. So, I reluctantly agreed to stay home. And I struggled with that decision for most of the day. All of the day. I struggled all of the day with guilt over not being at work. 

I recently read an article about the art of doing nothing. It talked about how the act of just sitting back and doing nothing increases creativity and that taking time to reflect on inner experiences translates to greater compassion. I tend to think that I am pretty good at doing nothing. I could give you a list right now of unfinished projects and things I need to be working on outside of work. I also recognize that I have a job that takes up eight hours of my day and even more hours of my brain space. So I try to cut myself a little slack when it comes to getting those other projects done, but suddenly I was put into a position to do nothing and I balked. I roamed around the house aimlessly. I washed breakfast dishes and put a pot of water with oranges and cinnamon sticks on the stove to help humidify the house. I checked work emails dozens of times. I watched a car moving slowly down our street. I walked around the house aimlessly some more. I stewed in my guilt while Michael and the animals snoozed on the couch. 

It became painfully obvious that I needed some practice in the art of doing nothing and the greater compassion I should be having, should be for myself. Eventually, as the house began to smell of cinnamon, I let myself be still. I picked up a book from a stack of books that have been waiting for me to read them and I read. We did clean off the cars and feed the chickens, but for the most part, I sat and did nothing. Today I am thankful for the realization that I need to have greater compassion for myself. I am thankful for my moment of nothing. 

At some point yesterday, Micheal looked over at me and both the cat and the dog were laying on my body. He asked me if I needed to be covered with any more animals or if I had enough. I replied that I probably had room for one chicken. I'm all the time cold in the winter and the pets just seem to know that their job is to keep me warm, weighted down and unable to move. I am thankful for the gruesome twosome (Josephine and Albus). I am thankful for the smell of cinnamon and oranges. I am thankful for dried cranberries in my oatmeal. I am thankful for surprises like the Princess Leia action figure I found on my desk this morning. I am thankful for bread and I am so so thankful for you.

Here's a warmer weekend and super Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Christmas time at the station

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All of the Christmas presents, which happens to be all for the Cabbage, are wrapped and shoved into my closet and one drawer under the bed. We were afraid to put them all under the tree. The animals have been really good about the Christmas tree this year, but I am not convinced that they would be so good with paper wrapped boxes under that tree. So we have taken to stashing Christmas presents out of reach and sight. This is a challenge in seven hundred and fifty square feet of space. My Mom would hide Christmas presents so well every year that there would always be at least one or two that she'd miss. She'd be cleaning out some closet in the middle of July and come across a shopping bag containing a sweater or toy and say something like "Oh! That's where that went!". Then she'd hand it over to who ever it was meant for with a "Merry Christmas!" That's going to be me. As I placed two wrapped Barbie's into that drawer, I thought "Is this the year I lose a gift?" 

Stockings are hung with care and ready for filling with treats. Christmas cards are in the mail (I'm so sorry if I missed someone). Plans are in works for visiting family and friends. There's nothing much left to do but to sit back and watch the lights twinkle on the Christmas tree. Every year, I feel the hectic rush of Christmas as I am sure many of you do. I think of the tasks before me and wonder about how I will ever accomplish all of the things on my list. This year was a little worse because I feel like I selfishly took up a whole week of December traveling around California. I don't feel guilty about it or have any regrets, but I do recognize that it took some time away from getting things done on the Christmas list. Except it didn't. Like I said, the hectic rush of Christmas comes along every year and every year, it all comes together. Almost like magic. Christmas magic. I am thankful that the preparations for Christmas are done enough so that now all my time can be spent focused on what's important. I am thankful for the time I will spend soaking in all of the love and laughter with family and friends. 

May the days ahead be filled with joy for you and your family. May you take time to recognize the importance of the holiday and that Christmas comes with out boxes, ribbons and bows. May you take a moment to recognize that it is not the geographical location that matters but the people you are with in that space that matters. May you take a moment to grasp onto all of that and be grateful. Be grateful for the good things of this moment and grateful for the good moments to come. This is what I plan to do. Happy Holidays and safe travels to all. Here's to a jingly bell kind of weekend and a star bright kind of a Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Point Reyes Lighthouse

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Michael called me last week while I was still in California and said that the high temperature for the day was twenty six. My reply was "I'm not coming home." He then threatened to eat an animal a week until I got home, starting with the chickens and ending with the dog. So, I came home. I came home to freezing temperatures in order to save the lives of our pets. I hope they recognize the sacrifice I have made for them. I spent exactly one week in the bay area of California. It feels like I was gone a month and yet it also feels that I missed so much. I never made it to the Castro or Japan Town. I didn't spend enough time in Chinatown or walk enough steep hills. But, Oh the things I did see and do and eat.

Things I fell in love with:

• Ike's Place. This place is where it is at and when I say "it" I mean the best dang vegetarian sandwiches I have ever eaten. The Handsome Owl made with fake chicken, teriyaki sauce and wasabi mayo on Dutch crunch bread, brought me to tears. Dutch crunch bread is the sandwich bread you didn't know existed but will want for every dang sandwich.
• Muji. I don't even know how to describe this store, but it is the most relaxing shopping experience. The stationary and notebooks are a dream. I bought a pocketed notebook and some colored pens and I'm in love with them. 
• All the National Parks I visited: I went to three different National Park visitor centers while I was in California. I asked for Junior Ranger badges from each one and received two really nice wood badges and one awesome patch. Our Junior Ranger badges from other areas have all been plastic and not all that special. The California badges are unique and lovely.

Probably, my favorite experience was visiting the Point Reyes Lighthouse. You have to walk down 308 steps to get to it, but it's worth it just to read an excerpt from the lighthouse keeper log book. There was something very rewarding about making it back up those 308 steps as well. I'm pretty sure I saw a whale. I did see a giant slug and couple dozen deer. The Point Reyes National Seashore is the home of the Alphabet Ranches, so we saw lots of dairy cows and a few coyotes. Heather and I ate so much cheese from the Cowgirl Creamery and we learned that building fires in a wood stove is kind of my super power. Heather named my fire Satan's Asshole. All those years of camping and watching the men in my life build fires has paid off. 

I am thankful for many many things this week. I am thankful for not just the time spent in California, but the time spent with Heather and her two beagles. She's been trying to get me out there for a few years now and I hate that it took me so long to do it. I am thankful for Heather. I am also thankful for Michael who held down the fort while I was gone. I came home to a clean house and Christmas cards printed and ready for me to address. All the animals are alive even though Josephine ate five of Michael's crab rangoons. I am thankful for this, the clean house and living animals thing, not the crab rangoons. And even though it's a whopping twenty five degrees today, I am thankful to be home and settling back into a routine.

I am thankful for warm snuggles from the puppy and love from the cat. I am thankful for wasabi flavored marshmallows. I am thankful for thumbprint art. I am thankful for you. Here's to a weekend of calm before the storm and a super Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Macaron

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The other night, all the dogs around us were barking like mad, including Josephine. I went out to see what the heck was going on and discovered an opossum on our neighbor's back porch. Also, the dog that belongs to one of the houses behind us was in the yard with the opossum. Josephine was barking at the dog who did not belong in that yard and the opossum who did not belong in that yard. Michael went next door to tell the neighbors that there was a large dog in their backyard and maybe to not let out their little Yorkie until things got sorted. No one answered the door. We closed up the dog door to the kitchen and I carted Josephine off to bed. She continued to growl for a good ten minutes at the crazy barking that was still going on outside. 

I must have drifted off at some point, but I woke up to strange sounds that I thought were coming from our basement. It sounded like Michael had taken something down into the basement to kill with a hammer and I could hear him pounding whatever it was. Then I realized that all the dogs had grown silent. I decided that Michael had grabbed the opossum and had dragged it into the basement to murder it just so he could get all the dogs in the neighborhood to shut up. I rolled over and went back to sleep, obviously not disturbed that Michael was murdering something in the basement. He's had to do it before when Albus has brought in half dead rats. 

The next day, I asked Michael about the basement and the murdering of an opossum. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. I described to him the noises I had heard and he said "Do you think that maybe the hammering you heard was really the sound of me breaking up almonds?" Apparently murdering an opossum sounds just like beating up a bag of almonds with a rolling pin. Michael also told me that the police showed up to deal with the dog. We don't know what happened to the opossum. I'm just thankful that Michael didn't murder the opossum. I am also thankful that dog was returned to his own backyard. 

This all seems like an odd moment of gratitude, but my brain is so scattered right now. I tend to get a little anxious before I travel. It's not the flying thing. It's all the packing and getting to places on time that gets me. Did I pack enough clothes? Did I pack the right kind of clothes? Is my baggage going to make it to my destination? That's not really a worry this time because I have a direct flight, but you get the idea. I always feel underprepared. I should have picked out all of the things I want to see at this conference by now. I should have studied a map of San Francisco. I should have done some research into food and yoga places, because San Francisco is the home of Yoga Journal and crazy hippy health foods. Right now, I've decided to leave it all up to chance and just be thankful for the opportunity to go.

I am thankful for snuggle weather where the cat snuggles in on one side of me on the couch and the dog snuggles in on the other side. I am thankful for baked potatoes and macarons. I am thankful for you. Have a lovely weekend and a spectacular Thankful Friday! 

GRATITUDE AND CHRISTMAS BALLS

New wreath

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I realized a few days ago that December is going to be tight. Meaning there's stuff happening every weekend. Meaning, if I want Christmas decorations to go up in our house, I need to get a move on. The problem with that is I am one of those people who are adamant about not decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving. I can go into a thirty minute rage over seeing Christmas ornaments on display in the shops when Halloween isn't even over. We rode our scooters through a neighborhood a few weeks ago and they had all of their Christmas lights on. Not just up, but ON. This drives me crazy. CRAZY! This year I had to make a slight exception to my rule. I spent Saturday deconstructing our old wreath and wrapping it with new ribbon and then filling my decorative lantern with red balls (baaallllls). 

Weeks ago I had purchased some LED lights from IKEA thinking that they were battery powered, but when I opened them I realized I had bought the wrong lights. I dragged Michael back out to IKEA on Sunday to buy the correct lights (and a few things we didn't really need: picture frames, door mat, something else I can't even remember). We bought so many strands of the battery powered lights that I was able to put two strands of lights with my balls (giggle) and wrap a strand of lights around the wreath. Then I still have a set left over that I might use with the nativity scene. I haven't put the nativity scene out since, well, you can probably guess. I put the wreath on the door and then looked at Michael and said "I'm going to Christmas the fuck out this house this year!" Michael just nodded while staring at his phone and mumbled "okay." He doesn't care as long as he doesn't have to get on the roof and put on lights. Though, I might drag my tomato cage tree out this year.

Any way, apparently this year I am all "Trim up the tree!" or my Southern lady gene has finally kicked in. That's probably it. I am making a pumpkin pie this evening from pumpkin that did not come from a can (what have I become?). The pie is for Thanksgiving, which we will be spending with my family in Oklahoma on Thursday. The next few days will look something like this: drive drive drive, spend the night at Mom's, gather around her table for Thanksgiving, digest that meal while spending the evening with my brother and sister-in-law, lunch the next day at White River Fish Market because now that Michael knows it exist we always have to go there, drive drive drive, spend some time with Michael's moms, drive and home. Then I will spend the weekend putting up our new Christmas tree and dragging us back to IKEA because we don't have enough lights for the new tree. And also, it has dawned on me that I am about to set up a seven foot tall Christmas tree and then leave it alone with Michael, the dog and the cat for a week. Bets on who knocks it over first?

I am grateful to have the next few days to spend time with my family and squeeze everybody's neck. I am thankful to have the next few days to get things together for Christmas (including taking our card photo). And because I am so grateful to have all that time, I'm taking the rest of the week off. May your homes be filled with love and laughter and warmth durning this Thanksgiving. Remember to be kind to each other. Some of us are entering 'out of the blue' territory. Remember that before politics there was your family. 

Peace out!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Rainbows out the ears, yo

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I have been very fortunate to work in an industry that values health care for their employees. I pay very little a month for really good health care that covers just about every thing. I had all of this even before the affordable care act was put into place. Then my birth control pills went from $10 a month to free. The Affordable Care Act just made it possible for millions of Americans to have access to affordable health care, some of those for the first time ever. We don't really know what is going to happen to the Affordable Care Act once Trump takes office. The only policy talk I ever heard from him was how he was going to repeal Obamacare. He may decide to keep some things like pre-existing conditions and the child care part, but it could still mean the millions of people will be losing their health care. 

Many of us are feeling helpless right now, but John Oliver on 'Last Week Tonight' reminded us that there are still things that we can do. He provided a list of places that would greatly appreciate your donations to help fight for better environmental laws, women's reproductive rights, refugee assistance, legal assistance for protecting minorities' civil rights, resources and suicide prevention for LGBT, and legal and education assistance for Hispanics. I set up a monthly donation for Planned Parenthood. I think there are a large number of people out there who think "ABORTION!" whenever they hear the words Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood has been providing quality affordable healthcare for one hundred years. They mostly supply preventative, primary care that prevents unintended pregnancies, tests for sexually transmitted diseases and tests for cervical and other forms of cancer. It was estimated in 2014 that there were about 44,000 new cases of HIV diagnosed in the US. This number was down 19% from those numbers in 2005. I still think there should be no new cases diagnosed ever, but thanks to places like Planned Parenthood who provide education, testing and prevention, those numbers are decreasing. 

I know what it is like to not be able to afford health care. Chris and I were poor in graduate school (and after) and we both new that an accidental pregnancy would mean that we would only be poorer and less likely to finish our education. I relied on Planned Parenthood for my yearly women's health exam and for a supply of birth control. There were times I was even there for sinus infections. I am very grateful for the health care I have now, but I am also very grateful for the health care Planned Parenthood provided for me and so many women and men that I know. I have heard so many stories about early cancer diagnoses from a Planned Parenthood facility saving someone's life. Planned parenthood saves lives. Really that's all that needs to be said. I chose to give my donation to Planned Parenthood because I am so grateful for them and this is my small way for giving back.

I am thankful for one last scooter ride before the temperatures drop. I am so thankful for the time I spent on my yoga mat yesterday. Michael's birthday is tomorrow. I am super thankful that we have this opportunity to celebrate another year of his life. I am thankful for small successes. I am thankful for hope and I am thankful for you. This will be a weekend of baking and preparing for Thanksgiving for me and I suspect for many of you. Here's to a weekend filled with the joyful aromas of cakes and pies and here's to a wonderfully Thankful Friday!