THANKFUL FRIDAY

This year’s 52 week photo project happens on Sunday mornings. I clear a space on the dining room table. Then I roll out the mindfulness dice that Michael gave me for Christmas and set them up in some sort of structure. I take a number of pictures and then I sort through them for the one I think looks the best. I do some minimal edits and then post. This is my method. Last year, it was the same method, just on a different day. This year, I’m posting the 52 photo project to more than one place. I finally decided to renew my flickr account, so I have unlimited photo storage. This also helps me keep track of things. I am terrible at organizing my photos, but if I am really good about creating albums when I am doing specific photo projects.

I didn’t have this available to me last year. I thought I could just get by with using Instagram and let my Flickr membership go. Technically, I could have still used. It was just that I was full on storage with the free version. I would have had to delete photos to make room for new photos. I am really good about throwing away tangible things, but not digital things. So, the 52 week project went to Instagram. Each week, I would scroll through my Instagram photos before posting the newest project photo so I could make sure I was on the correct number. It was kind of messy. So, I fixed that for this year’s project and I am really glad that I did. It is really nice and somewhat rewarding to go to one folder and see all of the pictures for that project.

Since this year’s project involves dice, I would expect a certain amount of randomness from picture to picture. I know it has only been five weeks, but the words ‘let go’ have appeared in three out of the five pictures. ‘Trust intuition’ has appeared twice, as well as ‘find joy’, but ‘let go’ has been the most persistent. Because of this persistent mindfulness block, I’ve been stuck on the idea and concept of ‘let go’. It doesn’t say ‘let it go’, inducing me to break out into song (you know the one). It very clearly says ‘let go’. My interpretation of this is multilayered and wrapped up into the emotional constraints that I put on myself. I have just started reading Emotional: How Feelings Shape Our Thinking by Leonard Mlodinow. I picked it up for research purposes regarding something that I am writing and hopefully shaping into a book. I am not far into this book yet, but I am far enough in to know that this just might be some relevant reading material.

Leonard Mlodinow begins the book with a story about his parents, both of whom survived the Holocaust. His mother tended to approach every situation with an over dramatic reaction. Something as simple as a breaking shoelace became “Oh, the horrors! The Nazis are coming. All is lost.” His dad was the opposite. Everything was met with a calm even reaction. Mlodinow became curious about how two people experiencing the same horrific traumas could have such different displays of emotion and how the way they display those emotions affect how their children understand ‘normal’ emotions. Oof…those are some very interesting questions Mlodinow is asking and why the ‘let go’ mindfulness keeps showing up for me. Sometimes, what you have been taught and shown to be ‘normal’, is not really all that normal.

I am grateful for the mantra this week of ‘let go’. I have said these words to myself as I layed in savasana and allowed myself to have no judgment as the tears have fallen from my eyes. I have not had a tear-free savasana since before January. I have said those words this week when despite my tired body, I thought I should be doing more things, be more active. I skipped one day of exercise, but made it to my yoga mat every day. I felt those words this week when bitterness and resentment have risen up inside me, threatening to spill out of my mouth (or at least my fingers). I can’t explain this one; bitterness and resentment has just been present this week. I will allow myself tears of sadness and joy. I will allow bouts of frustration. I allow myself human emotions. I am letting go of containing myself inside the restrictive emotional box of my own making.

It is a mantra that must be practiced and repeated often.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Placed

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Placed"

Yesterday morning, as I was cleaning up my breakfast dishes, the weight of all the things that need to be done settled down onto my shoulders. I looked down at the soapy sponge in my hand with a frown and wondered how on earth I was going to get everything done by the time it needs to be done. I had slept fitfully, dreaming about searching for a campsite, reading the map wrong, finding a place to pitch a tent and then pitching that tent in a pool of water. Standing at the kitchen sink, I had a sense that maybe I have taken on more than I can handle and that I'm about to make some serous mistakes that will leave us sleeping in a tent filled with water. This is what I get for filling my calendar with things I care about like marching for science and fighting the AIDS epidemic on top of just daily life stuff. 

I will get the things done that need to be done in the time they need doing. 

It's a good mantra. So good, that I will even share it with you so that you may use it in those moments when you are overwhelmed with the tasks ahead. With this mantra fully planted in my brain, I looked back out the window and noticed that the rain had stopped and the skies were clearing. I rolled my scooter out of the garage and Michael came out to head to work. He said "You know it's raining?!" and I replied "I know that is was raining, but it isn't now." I zipped to work, dodging rain puddles and reminding myself to at least try to be careful on the wet roads. I arrived to work dry and unscathed and filled with joy. 

My friend, Eagle, posted a thing on facebook this week about "what if" and how often the 'what if' keeps us from moving forward. He said that instead of asking "what if?", how about asking "why not?" It is a wise flip of the switch and one that I have always struggled with. I'd like to think that I am really good at playing the 'what if' game, but the truth is that I am constantly losing at that game. Why not just do my best and try to get a little bit done each day? This question lifts the weight of 'what if' clean off my shoulders. I am thankful for the reminder to flip the switch and I am thankful for my mantra. 

I am thankful for scooter days and time spent on my mat. I am thankful for green beans and Brussel sprouts. I am thankful for successful moments at work. I am thankful for this cup of coffee that is setting to my left. I am always always always thankful for you. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of doing our part to protect this planet. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of science (which plays a big part in protecting this planet). And here's to a perfectly peaceful Thankful Friday.

SAAAAAAAT NAM

Black bird sing

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap

Sat Nam is a mantra that basically translates into "I am the truth" or "My true self". When it is chanted, the sat part is drawn out long like "saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" and then the nam is short. I just keep picturing a muppet with his hinged mouth open and his head swaying back and forth as he says "saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat". There's also some movements of his spindly arms happening as well. I came across this mantra in an article I was reading about ten mantras to memorize. I liked this one for two reasons. First of all it's short. Secondly, I like the idea of just sitting there saying "saaaaaaaaaaaaaat" because you're sitting and chanting "saaaaaaaaat" and that's just funny.

Honestly this introduction to Sat Nam was just meant to be a segue to an entry about chakras and chanting. I've been doing some chakra specific order of yoga poses lately in my practice and I finish it all up with the sounds associated with each chakra. At first it felt kind of silly to be sitting in a public space while quietly humming through the chakras, but then I just got over it. There's all kinds of noises happening in that gym. My quiet humming just blends into the back ground. Also, who cares? I don't. So I've been humming away because it makes me smile. It makes me feel good. As far as the chakra poses go, I have no idea if they're making a difference. I mean, I might have an idea, but not a clear idea.

Then today, after solving [(ug/MW) x 1000] x MR divided by 7.94 (which by the way equals 5.8 micro liters, which is the amount of molecular dye I need to bind to 100 micro grams of protein, this is my job) I rewarded myself by reading through the mantra article. I took a moment to really enjoy the idea of saying "saaaaaaaaaaaaaat nam" before noticing what it even meant. The translation set off a tiny existential crisis. Am I the truth or being my true self? Maybe I'm attracted to the mantra because I need to remind myself to be my true self? Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want people to see me or not see me? What kind of butterfly do I want to turn into? Or would I rather be a moth or a beetle? I'm forty years old, almost forty one. Am I too old for reinvention? Madonna is fifty eight years old and constantly reinventing herself, but I am not Madonna. My life career is not dependent on reinvention. 

When I say tiny existential crisis, I mean that all of those above thoughts zipped by in seconds, micro seconds even. They were only around long enough to recognize that those thoughts exist, only long enough to very briefly question myself, before I'm back to that image of the muppet. Now that I think about it, I think I'd really enjoy watching a muppet yoga series. But really truly, all of this is a practice in writing. Because I'm stuck in that moment just before Christmas where it's too early to post about looking back on 2016 and I've got nothing to blog about. I feel like I should write something just to keep my brain from molding over. As a results, you now know that some times at work I have to do really hard math and there's a mantra of self truth. 

I'm thinking of yelling this mantra every time someone posts a fake news story. SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT NAM!