THANKFUL FRIDAY

It’s that time of the year when I think I have a giant list of things I need to get done before Christmas only to realize that I have tackled 97% of that giant list already. Most likely, the other 3% of that list will get tackled over the weekend. Then I will be back into a twiddling thumbs situation that my brain never really knows how to handle. This makes it hard for me to be present. My mind keeps floating off and into the next year, already calling it for this year. I’m basically phoning it in right now.

So, in some of my free time, I’ve been sorting and organizing photos I’ve taken this year. I’m starting to run low on postcards and uploaded some new prints to be made into cards. This week, I had friend who I had sent a postcard too a couple of weeks ago, tell me how professional and perfect my photos look as postcard. I asked her to remind me which one I had sent and she described a picture of a view finder pointed out towards the ocean. Then she said that if she had seen that postcard in a shop, she probably would have bought it. I thought this was the sweetest compliment and I was grateful to hear that the card had brought her joy.

This is a habit that I started late in the year. Every Sunday, I sit down and pick out two postcards to send out to two different people. There is no rhyme or reason to who I write a note to. I usually just skim my Christmas card list and randomly make a selection. Often, I try to pick out someone who I know to have been having a particularly hard week and if someone sends me a card in response, then I send another one back. This is how Amani and I have become penpals, penning each other short but sweet postcards. Amani has taken up water colors and I have a small collection of watercolor postcards of her art. My favorite one so far is the most recent one, filled with brightly colored jelly fish. The note on the back was damaged in transit and I can’t read the last part of her note. It has something to do with me “seeing beauty almost….” Which makes me laugh. It’s like I almost have an eye for beauty…almost. Not quite. This has been a good habit to start and as my brain starts to build a plan for the next year, I hope it remembers to leave space for postcards.

Something else I noticed while organizing photos is that I managed to capture a lot of joy in this year. Recently, I had to fill out a description form for an old photo that one of my online photography groups wants to feature. It was taken so long ago that I couldn’t tell where or why it was taken and it’s just a simple photo of a wild yellow iris. One of the questions on the form asked what had inspired me to take this photo. I wrote the following.

I am an amateur photographer with the sole purpose of seeking out beauty and joy in the every day. It's almost my meditation practice.

This still holds true for me, but I find great joy in getting out my camera with purpose and intention. I am grateful for these habits and practices.

And my brain is already leaving space for more of it in the next year.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael and I are watching Shrinking on Apple TV and in this season, one of the characters and his husband are trying to adopt a baby. They finally have an interview with a young pregnant woman who is trying to decide between these two and another couple as potential parents for the baby. He chooses to have the meeting at his best friend’s house with other people present, people he trusts for parenting advice. The others get called out to deal with minor emergencies for their own children and the interview ends up just being with the three of them. At one point, this character explains to the young woman why he chose this place for their meeting. He said he wanted her to see the amazing support system he has in his life and that he recognizes the importance of having a village. It takes a village to raise a good human.

In the last few weeks, there have been a few postings on Facebook from old Collinsville friends announcing the passing of a loved one. Two of those passings were women that were part of the tribe that shaped and raised me, Mrs Ryal and Mrs Burton. While I haven’t stayed in contact, hearing the news of these passings struck a jarring chord because they were part of my village. I cannot deny that my scientific curiosities were encouraged and fostered by Mrs. Ryal; nor can I deny the lessons of kindness and comfort from Mrs. Burton. I am thankful for the parts they played in my life and my heart goes out to their families as they navigate through their grief.

But I am also reminded of the power of a tribe. This is why I am so willing to give out my phone number to my friends’ (often now grown) children. I had a really good tribe of women when I was young and it is only fair that I keep this tradition going. More than this, I recognize that I have built a community of friends that continue to support me. I have surrounded myself with a tribe of my own where we are supportive of each other in ways that go beyond words and moves into action. Without realizing it, Mrs Ryal and Mrs Burton taught me how to be a member of a tribe and the importance of building a tribe. Some may say that this is only something that can happen in small towns, but that is simple not true. I live in a metro area and the lessons of kindness, acceptance and comfort that I was taught by my tribe in my youth is what has made it so easy for me to build my own tribe.

Any where.

Today I honor the tribe of women from my past that provided me with skills for building the tribe of my present.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last week, the New York Times posted a study about the gender gap and exercise and how women have less time to work out then men and (surprise!) our health is paying the price.

Experts say this exercise gender gap has a lot to do with the disproportionate amount of time and labor women devote to caring for the home and for others. It’s also consistent with research suggesting that, on the whole, women tend to prioritize other people’s health above their own, experts said.

The whole article is irritating, from the study that found women have 13 percent less free time a day to the differences in reasons for exercise. Women are mostly exercising “to lose weight”, not because it can be a stress reliever or just good for mental and overall health. We exercise because we want to fit into the patriarchal normative of what a woman should look like. What’s also irritating is knowing that I fall into the trap of prioritizing others all too frequently.

It has been weeks since I had attended a Monday yoga class or spent personal time on my mat. Between illnesses, travel, work and meetings, I have struggled to carve out time for exercise. In a recent text exchange with Chad, I said that I was basically phoning it in physically until the New Year. I seriously had given up on regaining any part of my practice routine and vowed to do better next year. Then my Monday morning came in hot. I barely had a chance to put my bag down before I was troubleshooting various problems and right then I decided that I was going to try to make it to yoga. I would just eat my lunch during lab meeting and I even said this to my coworker, Amanda. Not five minutes later, someone came to tell me they would have slides ready for the slide scanner and could they bring them at 1:00. I said “We have lab meeting at one.” The person then said they would bring them at noon (yoga class time) and I was just about to open my mouth to mumble out an ‘okay’ when Amanda spoke up and said “Bring them at 2:00!”

Amanda was my advocate for yoga class on Monday.

I am equal parts grateful for Amanda and annoyed that I needed to have an advocate because I’ve forgotten how to advocate for myself. That’s not even true. I have not forgotten; I’m just not good at it. I do not practice enough self advocacy and the result is that I say yes to everything but myself. Monday was the shove that I needed. It gave me just enough momentum for me to step away from my desk and onto my mat every day this week, to say “not right now” to things being asked of me. But also, as women, we should be advocating for each other. I don’t mean the big stuff. That’s a given. I’m talking about the little things, stepping in where and whenever to be a road block to those demanding time and effort. I am not the only woman who struggles with prioritizing others. This seems to be a thing all women do and we should be helping each other out.

I often find myself in the position of advocate for the Cabbage, not with school or activities or anything like that. I advocate during times of parental injustice. I am the one holding up a pause butting and saying “wait a minute, think of this from the kid’s side.” I’m not always saying the Cabbage is right, but just maybe the reaction doesn’t need to be so big. I like to think that I am teaching the Cabbage to not just advocate for themselves (they’ve gotten really good at intelligent argument) but also the benefit of advocation for others. It fosters an environment of care for each other.

It’s teamwork.

I am grateful for those who advocate for me when I fell that I cannot. I am grateful for the time on my mat this week. I am grateful for the reminder to advocate for myself and I am grateful to be in a community of women who advocate for each other.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

In the past couple of years my employer has added some paid holidays that are not observed by everyone. Meaning schools are open, as well as most business, but there’s no mail or garbage pick-up. These are paid holidays that I have to myself because Michael has to go to work and I usually spend those days cleaning the house. Last time this happened, I used the day to have blood work done. This time though, I planned ahead and sent a text to Nurse Jenn asking if she also had the day off. She did! So we met for breakfast and then went to the zoo.

We went to the zoo without children!

Our zoo opened a new aquarium recently and I had heard all the rave reviews, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to see it for myself. The Cabbage has aged out of being wowed with zoo trips and Michael and I never seem to think to go just for ourselves. We get free zoo passes all the time because we live in Jackson county and some of our taxes help pay for the zoo. The passes have expiration dates, but it doesn’t keep them from piling up in the magnetic clip on the fridge. I yanked out the most recent valid pass, threw away the rest and Nurse Jenn and I walked into the zoo for free!

Without children!

I know I keep emphasizing the part about no children, but seriously, have you ever been to the zoo with kids? It should be fun and it’s not not fun, but it is work. It’s work because now you’re in charge of carrying all of the things, dealing with snacks, hand washing, meltdowns, not losing the child in Africa, making the walk from Africa back to the parking lot while dragging the hot, tired dirty child. Zoo Africa is just about the same distance away as actual Africa. It’s the furthest spot on the map from the parking lot and no matter how well you think you’ve planned it, you are always leaving it during the hottest, driest part of the day. And children do not think it is funny when you start singing Toto’s Africa.

Because children do not have any senses of humor.

This time, we didn’t have to think about or be responsible for anyone but ourselves. Though, Jenn did graciously cart my extra camera lens around in her bag. We took our time in the aquarium and then wandered out to only look at the exhibits we wanted to see, like the elephants and the rhinos. Then when we were ready to leave, we just left. No one cried or whined or begged to be carried. We just walked ourselves out of Africa while singing Africa out to my car. It was positively lovely and I used my camera, both lenses even! I don’t think I’ve ever had a more relaxed, carefree time at the zoo and I know a lot of that had to do with the company I keep.

The photographer me is very grateful to have had time at the zoo when there was very little traffic. I could have spent hours with my camera pointed at jellyfish or that one elephant playing with a stream of water coming down from a building. There was not a moment when I had to wait patiently to the side for someone to get out of my shot. Okay, maybe there was one. The octopus, Arthur, was pretty active and popular, but that was the only time I had to wait my turn. When we got out of the car, I said “Now which lens do I want for today?” and Jenn took that question away by tucking my zoom lens into her bag. There was a moment when we were near the elephants when I said “Okay, I think it’s time for a lens change!” and those words felt so professional that I thought maybe I know what I’m doing. I even had my own assistant!

Look, I know that some people are anti-zoos and I get it. But there are zoos out there that do the zoo thing really well and I think our zoo can be added to the list. When you walk into a zoo exhibit and are standing in awe of the sites and accessible knowledge around you, then you’re in zoo that is doing things right. For me, seeing all of the creatures in our aquarium feels me with wonder and amazement. Our planet is fucking amazing and I want to keep it that way. I am grateful to have easy access to this kind of inspiration and I’m really grateful I have people I can share that awe and enthusiasm with.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I avoided the news and the TV on Tuesday, but I did glance at my phone early the next morning just before heading out the door for Josephine’s walk. So I ended up walking with the knowledge that this country had chosen a convicted criminal over a black woman. I walked with a sunken heart and a weight of exhaustion settling into my bones. My thoughts turned to the work ahead, the volunteer work and monthly donations to come, things I could do to help those in my community feel safe. I thought about all the government programs that he has threatened to cut and what that will mean for scientific research. One of the members of his administration has already announced the plan to cut 10,000 scientists from the FDA. My friend Sarah may lose her job as a fair housing investigator with the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, a department that is on his list of cuts. Who will advocate for those seeking affordable housing? There are many things that benefit our communities that are at risk and I had to really ask myself if I had it in me to step in and help those who will be abandoned by this country.

I was born an activist. For as long as I can remember I’ve been raising money to save this planet, to find a cure for AIDS, to accessible healthcare for all, to public television that provides educational resources to everyone and on and on and on. For as long as I can remember I have been advocating for my communities and the importance of truly caring for each other. I have done this work before. I can do this work again. We do what we need to do protect and help the ones we love. On top of my monthly donations to Planned Parenthood and PBS, I will be adding monthly donations to OurSpotKC.

Our Spot's services empower youth, provide LGBTQ+ resources, and create safe spaces that foster growth and inclusion.

Our kids are scared. A fellow blogger shared a social media post from her daughter where she said “I am scared for my immigrant parents.” The new administration has plans for a denatualization project that would remove citizenship from immigrants (Chris’s mom is an immigrant). We are already seeing hateful rhetoric being thrown at people for being gay, trans, black, hispanic, not white. That rhetoric stands to increase with the new administration, particularly with plans to remove policies and rights that have been put into place to protect those people. There have been ‘friends’ on Facebook posting vague posts about not understanding why some people are unfriending them. This is why. It is because you chose someone who will put their lives in danger and they no longer consider you to be a safe person to be themselves around. No one should have to fear being their true self. Our kids should not be scared and it makes feel a little sick knowing that grown adults have done that, that they have created an environment of fear. My top priority is to change that and I believe that OurSpotKC is the perfect place to do that.

Josephine and I took our usual path to Tower Park that morning and I watched a layer of fog roll across the open areas. I could smell the campfire that had already been started at the main pavilion. There’s a handful of homeless that sleep in that pavilion at night and every morning, the first to wake starts a fire in one of the metal barrels nearby. This particular morning was chilly and I wouldn’t be surprised if they had taken turns keeping the fire going throughout the night. Josephine and I made our way to the north side of the park, the sky was still dark with just the tiniest hint of light at the horizon. But I could still see some stars. Sometimes I am surprised by the number of stars I can see in the city. The park is lit with motion sensor or timed lights and often they end up shutting off right as I’m walking up. I am an invisible woman. At one point I glanced up at the sky just in time to witness a star shoot across and burn out. To the see the stars at all in the city is a treat. To witness a shooting star in the city is a gift, but in this instance possibly a message from the universe.

The witnessing of a shooting star is a rare, awe inspiring moment. It is an event that causes us to close our eyes and wish for something good. I am grateful for that moment in the park, the timing of that shooting star and my opportunity to wish for a better world. That moment was also a reminder of the simplicity and power of ‘one’. Some of you may remember that video Chris posted oh so many years ago of the one guy in the crowd dancing like no one was watching. It didn’t take long for a crowd of dancers to form around him. The tiniest stone still makes a ripple when you toss it in the pond. All of these actions seem small, but they end up having huge effects. This was just the spark I needed to keep my almost burnt out flame of hope going.

I am grateful for hope.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

For many people, today marks the first day of their 21-day gratitude challenge. You may see these challenges posted in memes throughout all the social media formats. It is a daily gratitude practice that leads up to what Americans consider to be the most important day of gratitude, Thanksgiving. It is a lovely way to celebrate the month of November. I believe it also a great way to start a regular habit of daily gratitude. This is not how my gratitude practice began. My practice had nothing to do with Thanksgiving and I had to go to a real dark, woe is me place before realizing I needed a gratitude practice. There was a lot of digging deep in those days and building up of good habits, habits that helped to keep me alive after Chris passed. Some might call those habits life skills, but all of the writing, photography, and the continued quest for joy all started from a simple daily gratitude practice.

I’m not going to lie; the month of October was not an easy one. There was a lot of traveling. There were many tedious and stressful moments. There was illness..or is illness. Michael and I are still coughing and I really have no idea how much more snot I can blow out of my nose. I have an endless supply of mucous right now. But even though October was difficult I can pick out something from each day that made me smile or laugh. Each day there was something I was grateful for. Kleenex. A sunset. Pain au chocolat. Time with a good friend. My gratitude list is long and continues to grow.

Tonight, will be the first Friday in weeks where I’ve slept in my own bed. I will get up tomorrow morning and go about my usual Saturday chore routine, slowly bringing in some normalcy. Michael has been taking care of grocery shopping and laundry and the general household maintenance while I was away. There was a time in our relationship when leaving him to take care of all the things would leave me feeling guilty. There was also a time when Michael was very vocal about being inconvenienced. We’ve both had to do some work to change this way of thinking and behavior. I am grateful that while we might be slow learners, we are learning to work together as a team. I am grateful for Michael’s help during all the chaos of last month. I don’t think that without my gratitude practice, I would have been able to recognize his help in picking up the slack while I was gone.

There’s a lot of good things I wouldn’t notice and would go missing without my gratitude practice. There’s a lot good stuff that I would take for granted. When I remember the person I was before I started the practice, I cringe. Not only was I unhappy, I just didn’t like myself. I’m embarrassed by that past version of me. Sure, I could give dozens of excuses for my unhappiness like finances and living conditions and devastating loss that I just didn’t know how to handle. But my unhappiness leaked out of me and onto others. That feels unforgivable. I felt ugly and recognizing that ugliness, I knew I had to make a change. I could not change my living conditions or too much of my finances. I could not bring back that which was lost. But I could change my mindset. The gratitude practice was the beginning to that change in mindset.

Just something to consider if you’re thinking about starting your own gratitude practice.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last Saturday, the Cabbage had piano lessons at 11:30. Her teacher holds lessons on the second floor of one the old warehouses in the historic West Bottoms. Sometimes I tag along, sometimes I’m busy doing other things. Usually, Michael and I wander around some of the antique shops in the area while the Cabbage is having their lesson. Then we’ll go have lunch somewhere after lessons. On this particular Saturday, I took my camera with me thinking I’d be inspired by the old, rundown buildings in the West Bottoms.

I’ve done this before, taken my camera along when visiting this area of the city. What has happened more often than not is that I don’t ever really take any pictures. I get distracted poking around a shop or Michael suggests getting hot beverages and then I’m holding a coffee and trying to wield my camera at the same time. It seemed like that same sort of thing was going to happen last Saturday too. I took a few snaps, drank a macchiato and then wandered around a shop that mostly sells houseplants. But something changed after lunch. We ended up at an old deli in downtown where the Cabbage ordered a slice of cheese pizza with extra cheese and a side of cottage cheese and Michael and I had a discussion about how badly we did or did not need to go to Costco. It was decided that need was not great and our time would be better spent wandering around the downtown public library.

The Kansas City Downtown Public Library is often on a must-see list. The parking garage is painted on one side to look like a giant bookshelf of books. The library itself is housed in an old bank, the vault is visible on basement level where the film and music section is housed. That floor also contains a display of Orval Hixon’s photos, including the one I shared here earlier this week. Every floor holds a treasure other than books and every floor has a window (or three or twenty) that provides an interesting view of the downtown skyline. And I had my camera out for all of it. I took my time, often letting Michael and the Cabbage get way ahead of me, often just wandering off from the group that was us. It was the most time I had spent consciously taking photos with my Nikon since maybe our trip to New Orleans back in March.

It made me breathe out in a sigh of relief.

This has been a very good week. Three days this week, I have ridden my bicycle to work. Michael installed a new and improved basket onto Valerie. My old Ikea one broke in a most annoyingly spectacular way last week. There has been time for my yoga practice and I made an edible loaf of sourdough bread over the weekend that was good enough to soak in the Sunday’s pot of beans and greens. I got us tickets to an event hosted by The Friends of Library this evening where we will picnic in Union Hill Cemetery and listen to ghost stories from some voice actor. When we still were not eating in restaurants because of the pandemic, Michael and I grabbed food to go from an area restaurant and had a picnic in this cemetery and it was one of my favorite things we did during the pandemic or ever. So I’m ending the week doing one my most favorite things.

This is week has been a reprieve from the chaos of my October Calendar, a moment of peace before I start running around like chicken for the next three weeks. I’m grateful for this calm before the storm.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I had some time to kill between appointments on Thursday, so I walked over to a little coffee shop to grab a coffee. At the last minute I asked for a pain au chocolat. I gathered my coffee and treat and settled in at table with a view of the door. The place wasn’t busy at first, then a stream of people started to pour in. I sat there with my coffee and croissant, just people watching. A young woman sat at a table near me, her back turned from me. A few minutes later a young man walked by and stopped to ask her if her avocado toast was any good. She replied that it was and he moved on to settle at his own table.

I watched a woman secure the leash of her little dog to a table outside and then go in. The little dog watched and waited for her return. I watched as people left, passing the dog without a notice. How can you just walk by and not even say “hello puppy!”? A few runners were still out on their morning runs, probably near the end of their run. I wondered what all these people could possibly be doing. It was 9:00 AM on a Thursday. Where did these people work? I’m sure some were students, some retired. It’s possible that some were headed to work in one of the shops in the area that didn’t open until 10:00. Possibly some of the people getting coffee were actual tourists. I recognized some typical touristy clothings, new Kansas City t-shirts.

I sat there speculating about the lives of these people, but they could easily have the same speculations about me sitting in a cafe late on a Thursday morning. I myself am like a tourist without doing all the touristy things. Alone, in a cafe on a weekday morning with minimal commitments and even those are commitments only for myself, feels decadent. A treat. A treat that should not be this rare. A treat that shouldn’t be a treat. It is moments like this that leave me asking why do I put off doing things like this. I get a personal day every year and it sits there lingering while I use up vacation days or sick days. I’m even sparing with my vacation and sick days, saving up for I don’t know what. Later in the day, I cried on the massage table while the therapist pressed out tiny knots between my back ribs. She spent so much time on my shoulders that she left little time for the rest of my body. My upper back feels like it’s been beaten with a ball peen hammer today, my punishment for not taking care of myself sooner.

I’m trying real hard to focus only on the things I can control. I am trying real hard to tuck in moments of joy, to do more dancing, to leave space for being silly. Today, I am grateful for the moments this week when I remembered to leave space for the joy, the dancing and the silliness.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tuesday, we had a blood drive at work and when I went to sign in, they looked at my blood type and basically said I had good juice and asked if they could take extra. I shrugged while saying “sure” and they hooked me up to a machine named Alex. I squeezed a squishy heart for about forty minutes until the machine malfunctioned and the nurse declared that I had done enough. I said “Great!” and hopped off the table, grabbed a Sprite and bag of Veggie Wheat Crackers (I love these!) and went back to my desk. About an hour later, I went to meet my new intern. I was sitting in my exam room and decided that I no longer needed my bandage from the blood drive, so I ripped it off. Then I started bleeding. My new intern came into the exam room while I was rummaging around through drawers looking for a bandaid. I said “I’m not a junky. I need a bandaid.” New intern hesitantly said ‘okay’ before handing over a bandaid.

Everything was fine after that. She said absolutely nothing about the scale numbers, but did mention that her mother found some drug helpful with relieving hot flashes. Meaning, I am probably close to the same age as her mom. My new intern could have been my kid. Awesome. She talked me into getting my flu shot and then said we’d talk after I got blood work done next week. Then she started checking for swollen ankles starting with the right one and when she moved to the left one, I said “Yeah…that’s going to be swollen.” Then I told her what I did. She was only concerned about how I was managing the pain. I told her I’ve been managing with ice and grit teeth. She did not think I was hilarious. It was the weirdest meet-and-greet, but she didn’t sound like she had plans to drastically change what’s already working.

The ankle feels mostly better and I have started walking Josephine in the mornings again. The strange thing is that when I fell, the plantar fasciitis pain in the right foot, completely disappeared. Now that the left foot is healing, the pain in the right heel is back. My body has decided that I can only have one injured foot at a time. That is very generous. Meanwhile, I found a shirt that perfectly describes me and I ordered it through Amazon. It’s basically a bloody, dirty t-shirt with I’m Fine printed across the chest. For one whole day, when you asked Alexa about our notifications she would say things like “your bloody shirt will arrive today” or “your bloody shirt has been delivered.” And all of that makes up for the fact that the shirt is a little smaller than I’d hoped for. Michael said we need a Halloween party to attend and I said “whatever. I’m wearing this to work on Friday.” This is not a Halloween shirt, but an any occasion T.

I’m meeting Nurse Jenn for lunch today at the Nelson so we can get a sneak peak at the new Hokusai: Waves of Inspiration exhibit and then we’ll eat fancy lunch in the Roselle Court. It just dawned on me that this sounds like a retired ladies activity and if this is what my retired self is going to be actively doing, I’m ready for it. I’m all in. More of this please. It was recommended (Amani) that I need to have some me time. Lunch with Nurse Jenn is part of that. Next week, I have a dentist appointment followed by a chiropractor appointment and I decided that this was a great time to use my personal day. I went ahead and booked a massage for that afternoon.

Now I recognize that booking a massage is only a small step in the right direction, that I need to carve out time everyday just to care for myself. I am working on this. I am getting myself organized and putting me (not events) onto my calendar. And then sticking to that calendar. Follow through is sometimes not my strong suit when the subject is me. There’s also a tiny bit of me that thinks I shouldn’t bother with me until next year. This year is practically over. Make a resolution. Do better in 2025. Then I slap myself like Cher does to Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck. Time is relative! The concept of years is a social construct of organization. What I really mean to say is that I am working on getting myself out of this current glitch mode. The first step is admitting when you are in glitch mode, not just mentally inside your own head. For me, typing it out for my whole community to see is a huge motivator for getting myself together. Because I don’t want you to know that I am in glitch mode. I want to be able to share a better version of myself.

This week, I am very grateful to have a community who makes me feel safe enough to share glitch moments. I am grateful for a community that roots or each other.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When Chris and I moved into our house, it came with a large brush pile in the back corner of our backyard. After Chris died, I decided I was going to garden and put in some raised beds. Then I built a compost bin from wood pallets. Don’t ever do that, by the way. It was a terrible compost bin and eventually the wood pallets started to fall apart and collapsed in on each other. The brush pile from the corner got moved next to and into the compost bin. My gardening attempts were unsatisfying and I abandoned the beds. Eventually I broke them down and evened out the yard where they had been sitting, with the exception of one spot. It looks like we buried a body there. Meanwhile, the brush pile continued to grow. Michael and I built the firepit with the intention of burning off the brush pile and sometimes it looked like we were actually going to do that. The pile would dwindle a bit, but a tree limb would fall or we’d clear off the fence line and the pile would just grow.

Recently, over the summer, Michael and I cleaned out the garage and piled all the unwanted big trash items into the backyard. That pile has been sitting there mocking me for weeks. Every time Michael and I had the discussion about what to do with it all, the discussion would just be a great big circle of words without actions. It was too little to fill up a Bagster dumpster, but too big for regular garbage. So now, every time I looked into the backyard I saw two large piles of garbage and hate would fill up inside my heart. Finally we just decided to see how much garbage we could put into the back of Michael’s truck and pay to dump it someplace. Turns out, you can put a lot of garbage in the back of Michael’s truck and for fifty dollars, a place not far from us will let you throw it all into a compacter hole. I don’t know what this says about my life, but throwing stuff into that hole is the most fun I’ve had in a really long time.

After throwing away the big garbage, we came home and started burning up the brush pile. And for the first time since ever, when I look out into my backyard there is not a pile of brush or garbage out there making me scowl. We burned up all of the brush plus a pile of brush from our next door neighbor. If we want to have another firepit night, we will have to buy wood to burn. There’s nothing left to burn. This makes me want to twirl around with my arms open wide while singing The Sound of Music. I can see the potential of a backyard that is inviting and lovely to sit in, a place were we could entertain friends and just relax. Maybe we’ll eventually build a patio and buy real patio furniture and a grill that didn’t come to us free from Facebook market place.

At some point during our firepit night, I could see that this was going to be it for that brush pile and I was giddy. Michael said something like “So getting rid of stuff brings you joy, huh?” and it does. It is beyond pleasing to me. I love throwing things away. Sometimes a little too much. I threw away my power cord for an external harddrive during one cleaning frenzy. I do not believe I threw out Michael’s passports (yes, multiple) even though he has torn the house apart looking for them. I do think they are probably in the garbage, but I was not the one who put them there. But still…it could have been me. I just don’t see a need to hang onto a lamp that broke two years ago and is hanging out in the basement waiting to be repaired. I’m not going to repair a lamp. I am also not going to have a garage sale. Garage sales are their own special kind of Hell and I want no part in it. I don’t have the mental or physical energy for that. Park a dumpster in my driveway and I could cart stuff out to it all day.

It is a little disturbing how the act of throwing things in a dumpster can make me so gleeful. Maybe disturbing is not the right word choice. I’ve lived amongst the hoarding type my whole life and it has given me a great appreciation for less. I think there’s a bout of Swedish Death Cleaning in my future. I think this would be a great uplifting activity for those winter months when I have the winter blues. Today, I am grateful for the view from my kitchen window into the backyard and how it is no longer marred with a giant pile garbage.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I feel like it has been over a year since one of our graduate students gave me a Brazilian wish ribbon with instructions to tie it onto my Vespa. The ribbon (and wish) is tied with three knots around a wrist. The wish is said to come true once the ribbon falls off on it’s own accord. I tried looking back through old pictures to see if I could determine when I placed this ribbon on Valarie and found a picture of it on Valarie back in November 2022. One side of the ribbon was already a bit frayed. So, it has been more like two years since I made a wish and tied my ribbon to Valerie.

I don’t remember what I wished for, but I feel certain that the wish wasn’t something entirely for myself. Wishing on birthday candles or stars, it doesn’t matter. I never seem to be able to come up with a wish for myself. I make my wishes for things I have no control over. World peace. Affordable healthcare for all. Body autonomy. I wish for all young women the rights to make choices for their own bodies. I wish for the US to stop providing weapons to Israel and aiding in genocide. My wishes are complicated things that I want for this planet, my community, my immediate circle of loved humans. They are not always complicated. I often make a wish for friend in their times of struggle and need. Some would say that my wishes are prayers. I might say that prayers are often wishes.

I have read too many stories about wishes for me to feel comfortable wishing for something just for myself. There are so many cautionary fables of wishing for money and the person making the wish receives a fortune but it’s because a loved one died, leaving behind an inheritance. Someone may wish to be famous and then they become so famous, they have zero privacy. A person may wish for the return of a loved one and wake up next to a corpse. Selfish wishes come with a price. These are the fables we have used to condition us into thinking that we cannot ask for something we want, especially if you are a woman. I have heard it so many times all the ways in which I can’t have it all. I wouldn’t even know how to start a wish for myself.

I was helping that graduate student troubleshoot some problems with their lab’s microscope this week. They have graduated and will be moving on to their Postdoc position in California. While I was crawling around under the microscope table, they said “Hold on. I have something for you.” Then they came back with three new wish ribbons. I had mentioned to them months ago that mine was getting frayed and I hated to loose it, even though I know that’s point. They told me that they found the ribbons while cleaning out, preparing for their move. This is one of the things I do not like about my job. I watch these young people come in, help train them, watch them get excited about science and microscopy. I get attached. Then they graduate or their postdoc time is up and they are off to build their scientific careers. I hate seeing some of them go, but also proud because I know they’re going to be successful.

So now I have three new wishes that I can make.

I know two of those wishes will go towards better things for my community and world, like an education free from violence and fear for our children and the end of genocide. The third wish is one I’m saving for myself. If it was not for the job I do, I would not have ever met this graduate student or have learned about wish ribbons. My path has led me to a diverse crowd of interesting and wonderful people and not just at work. My life is filled with color and light and texture. If I have one wish for myself it would be for more. More color and light and texture. More love. More of the good stuff.

More gratitude for that good stuff.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Early in the week, Talaura asked if she could come to my house for a rest stop as she drove from Oklahoma to Pennsylvania. She’s been in Oklahoma, sorting and packing up her parent’s home so that it can be sold. It has been grueling work and during the hottest time of the year. She arrived late Wednesday evening with Sarge and her car packed to the gills. Michael and I made sure both Talaura and Sarge were fed and comfortable before he headed off to bed. Then I stayed up past my bedtime to sit and listen to all of Talaura’s stories of the ridiculousness that is Facebook Market Place. The next morning, I left Talaura sleeping and quietly went into to work to get some things started. Then I went home to help her with her laundry and spend more time with her. Mostly, I wanted her feel slightly better leaving my house than when she arrived and I wanted be there to make sure that happened. Also, I don’t like the idea of anyone having to make the trek down my basement stairs where the washing machine lives. Eventually I was able to send a clean Talaura on her way along with a bag of clean clothes and lots of love.

Recently, I was having a conversation with someone about the skill of listening with an empathetic ear to someone complaining or venting about a problem they are having. The inclination for many us is to want to fix their problem for them. I mentioned to the person I was in conversation with that I had been ‘cured’ of this sort of inclination. When Chris was sick and the doctors determined that there was nothing else we could do, I had to come to terms with the knowledge that I could not fix this. It’s was a real shitty way to be ‘cured’ and now that I’m thinking about, I may not be completely cured. My gut instinct is to say “How can I fix this for you?” I just don’t ever let those words leave my mouth. I’m really good at fixing microscopes but not at fixing peoples’ lives.

So instead of asking how I can fix the problem, I ask “How can I provide you with some comfort?” I still haven’t stopped feeling the want to fix things and this is why I say that I’m only partially cured. Because I do want to fix all of the problems, yours and the worlds’. And sometimes I might still try to fix someone else’s problem before reminding myself that I do I have limitations.

Do what you can, with what you have where you are. -Theadore Roosevelt

I can provide comfort. Comfort comes in many many forms. It’s can be the simple act of opening your home and couch to a dear friend in need. It’s clean clothes or a home cooked meal. But a lot of comfort comes from just being that empathetic ear. What I have come to realize is that I am grateful to be able to provide comfort to my friends. It gives me purpose. My couch will always be available, my doors and arms open. Maybe I need a cross stitch of those words hanging somewhere in my house, not just as a welcome to others but as a reminder to myself.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My friend Sarah introduced me to Chappell Roan back in July and I’m obsessed. I am always a sucker for a female artist who is not afraid to sing explicitly saucy lyrics. This artist does not disappoint. I had her playing on Alexa while I made Michael and I breakfast a few weekends ago. Michael was in the shower and at one point he came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. He was looking at his phone while clutching an imaginary strand of pearls and then said “Have you been listening to these lyrics?!?” I replied “Yes!” and then continued to sing along. He obviously has never been paying attention when I’m playing Missy Elliot or Liz Phair or Wet Leg. I could go on. I want to erase the primitive ideas suggesting that women artists are or should be demure and at the most, PG-13 rated.

I’d like to make the argument that Pink Pony Club is the Girls’ Just Wanna Have Fun of this generation. But more inclusive.

And I heard that there's a special place,
Where boys and girls can all be queens every single day. -Chappell Roan

I am excited and energized by the new artists that have been introduced to me over the past several years. I think it’s easy to settle into the old songs and musicians we know and never open ourselves up to something new. I mean, I still listen to the bands who were my favorites as a teen and young adult. I had The Sundays playing while we got ready for work just the other morning. Even though it’s been a hot minute since the last time I listened to the Flaming Lips, I may have gotten a little jealous about a friend who got free tickets to a concert recently. The Flaming Lips put on a religious experience of a show. But I love it even more when I have a friend ask “Have you heard of…?” and it is someone new to me. Then I listen to this new to me artist and most of the time I fall in love and their music plays on a loop for weeks.

Because there’s more to it than just the joy of experiencing a new artist.

It’s about the joy in sharing. To have a friend who discovers a new artist and then likes that artist so much, they think you will also like them is a gift. It’s like they have found something that makes them feel joy and they want to share that joy with you. This is not limited to music. There is a reason suggested posts about cute animals and hunky firemen show up in my Insta feed. I liked one reel from my friend Wilson ages ago, hence hunky firemen. I’m not mad about it. To share something that brings you joy with others is an act of vulnerability. There’s a certain amount of trust involved with an underlying fear of judgment. “Please don’t make fun of me but I really liked this thing.” I am grateful to be trusted by so many people.

I will never make fun of you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have this asparagus fern that I bought two years ago. Every year, I buy some kind of hanging plant for the front stoop that ends up dying from neglect, but I thought I’d try something different when I bought this fern. I thought I would try to keep it alive, like bring it inside during the winter. The problem is that inside my house equals instant death for any house plant except for the ivy I’ve had in a pot on top of the fridge for thirteen years. I just don’t have the window lighting space for inside plants. My olive tree is barely surviving and I moved it outside for the summer. I predict that it will not take kindly to being brought back inside in the Fall. So I decided to take my fern to work.

There are large east facing windows on one whole side of my work cubical. I already had two plants that were thriving in that space, plus an inherited aloe that should absolutely not be thriving because it has basically outgrown it’s container and that was before it was ‘gifted’ to me. As we all learned from Jurassic Park, life finds a way. I named my asparagus fern Sideshow Bob, loaded him up along with the thousands of roly-polies that had taken up inhabitance in the few days I had allowed the pot to sit on the ground, and I took him to work. During the first month, I swept up a lot of roly-polies, but now we are poly free and thriving. Sideshow Bob is a mess. Every time I pick him up to carry him to the sink for watering, he sheds needle like leaves in a trail. Every six months or so, half of him turns brown and brittle. I think he’s dying and pluck out as much of the brown parts as I can. Then he sprouts new limbs and everything is okay.

Sideshow Bob needs parts of himself to die before growing.

Humans do this too. We shed dead skins cells and intestinal cells every day. I mean, women basically build nests in their wombs every month that are torn down and removed from the body. Parts of our bodies die off and get replaced with new cells. Of course our ability to do this gets less and less the older we get and it doesn’t look as visually dramatic as Sideshow Bob, but we still do it. Life, finding it’s way again. All of this started me thinking about how parts of our not physical selves need to die before we can begin to start something new. I know I have a habit of clinging to a routine even when it no longer serves me. I just keep doing the same thing over and over with the idea that it will reset itself into a routine that is useful and healthy again. Then I eventually reach a point were I wonder why nothing is working or feels right and I remember that I never actually made any changes that would lead to useful and healthy.

It’s time to start cutting off some brown crunchy dead parts, in this case an old way of thinking and doing, but not in an attempt to just rush forward into something new. I think I’d like to clear out some of those dead thoughts and ideas and just sit with that cleared space for a minute or two. Maybe take some time to grieve those thoughts and ideas and then wait for new thoughts and ideas to grow flourish. And I get that personal growth can happen on top of old thoughts and ideas. New growth happens like this in the wild all the time. Mushrooms can sprout on living trees. Every year my hostas come up out of the ground with extra hostas. But I have also driven through the Flint Hills after a controlled burn and have seen the softest greenest layer of grass as the prairie replenishes.

When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire. -Douglas Campbell, father to Torquil Campbell, lead singer of the band Stars.

Burn off the dead and no longer useful parts and then sit back and watch the new growth come in.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I almost skipped this today. I have plenty to be grateful for this week. This morning, I locked my house from the inside. Then I stepped out into the now very clean garage, pushed a button and watched the garage door open. Then I got on my scooter, rolled it outside and pressed another button, closing the garage behind me. Then I just rode away. And I know that seems like a normal everyday thing to be able to do if you live in a house with a garage, but this is the first time in my life that I have had an automatic garage door opener. This feels like getting an A++ in adulting. It is also the reason that while I may be forty eight years old, I still feel like I’m in my early twenties trying to figure out life. Which is probably why some of my adulting tasks this week made me cry big fat stupid tears.

But I’ve talked enough about my new garage door.

The Cabbage asked to go see the musical Come From Away and if the kid is going to ask to see any form of a stage production, I think it is important to make it happen. So we took them to the Starlight Theater last night and sat outside watching the North American Tour of Come From Away. The musical is based on the true story of when 42 planes were ordered to land at the Gander International Airport in Newfoundland during the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon on September 11, 2001. The tiny town of Gander rallied to take in about 7,000 stranded people. It is a beautiful example of the human capacity for caring and kindness during times of great tragedies, but I found the beginning of the musical to be pretty hard to sit through. It starts with how we all started on that day, how we all got up and started doing our normal daily routines until the news interrupted everything. There was a moment when the performers’ reactions to the horror was so familiar and heavy that I almost got up and left.

Later, when we were on our way back home, the Cabbage asked us what our favorite parts were and when it was my turn, I said “That’s going to be a hard moment for me to pin down.” Then I confessed to finding the beginning to be very difficult for me to watch. Michael piped up and agreed. He told the Cabbage that they needed to understand the opening put us in a very different headspace than them. Chris and I used to joke about how that day changed everything, but it truly did. That day in, some ways, brought out the worst in people with lasting consequences for our Muslim Americans (or any brown skinned person). But that day also brought out the best in us. We can really pull together and do good things for one another in times of crisis. This is great and all and there are some beautiful stories out there from those sorts of good deeds, but what about those times when we are not in a crisis?

In the years since then, I have become more apt to notice the good we can do for one another when there is not a crisis. I’m talking about those times we give money to a GoFundMe need or buy something on an Amazon wishlist to help a teacher. Maybe it is just the simple act of saying ‘good morning’ and pausing for short chat with that old man waiting at the bus stop you pass on your morning dog walks. There is joy in being kind to others and I am grateful for those moments when I experience that kind of joy. So my answer to the Cabbage’s question about my favorite part of this musical is this. My favorite part of this musical is the global overall message of kindness.

The practice of daily kindness is what makes us ready for those often bigger acts of kindness required during a crisis.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I don’t consider myself to be a true sports fan. I own one KC Royals T-shirt that ended up as a pj top because it’s really soft. There is not a single red item in my wardrobe for representing the Chiefs. I do have a KC Current sticker on my scooter. I know nothing about the sport of soccer, but I am one hundred percent supportive of this team and what it means to have the first women’s soccer arena in the country. I will listen to updates of the games on our local Bridge radio station. Other than that, most everything is grouped together as ‘sports ball’. That being said, I do get into watching the Summer Olympics.

Most evenings since the opening ceremony of this year’s Summer Olympics, we have just had the TV on with the games playing as background. Sometimes we’re paying attention. The surfing competition has been riveting and watching Snoop-dog and Flavor Flav interacting with the US athletes has been a thoroughly joyful thing to watch. I have always watched the gymnastics. Many many years ago when I was tiny, I was in gymnastics and even competed. I was terrible at the uneven bars, okay with the floor routine, and pretty good on the vault, but the balance beam was my jam. That is the place where I excelled and I really enjoyed it until I got taller. The taller you are, the harder it is to flip yourself off the end of a balance beam. Once scary fall was all it took for me to move on from gymnastics. But it didn’t stop me from watching the sport and watching the US Women’s gymnastic team gives me all of the feels.

My experience with coaches and work-out instructors have all included a ‘no pain, no gain’ mindset. My gymnastic coach was one of the nicest people, but even he had his moments. One of the reasons why I was so terrible at the uneven bars was because I could not pull myself up and often, my coach would leave me hanging on the top bar until I would eventually lose my grip and fall. I learned to hang for a really long time. After gymnastics, came dance coaches who would force a dancer to bend in ways the joints should not bend. There were aerobic coaches that yelled at you to keep moving. I have even been in a yoga class where the instructor encouraged a student to keep forcing their handstand despite the obvious shoulder pain this person was in. Many of us were taught that pain comes with fitness, that in order for you to have a fit and trim body, you must hurt. Muscle tears. Joint pain. Just the price you pay.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Tokyo, Summer Olympics 2020, Simone Biles had a wobbly twist as she came off the vault. If you were watching and are not a gymnast you probably didn’t think anything was off. She had flipped around in the air and landed mostly on her feet, not her face, something you or and I could not do. But to a trained gymnasts and Simone Biles, that wobbly twist was evidence that something was off with Simone. Then Simone Biles did something that shocked the country. She quit the olympic trials, taking herself completely out of the competition. She cited mental health concerns as her reason. Her head wasn’t in it or in the right place and that disconnect can lead to serious injuries. Simone Biles made her mental health, as well as her physical health, more important than medals and it was something many people had never seen happen before. Many thought that this was it for her, that she would never again compete in gymnastics.

Now, if you’ve been watching this year’s olympics, you know that we had not seen the last of what Simone Biles has to offer. She came back and showed the world that she’s better than ever, but she also showed the world the benefits of making your own health a priority. Simone Biles is an athlete that little girls across this nation have looked up to for years. She is an inspiration, but in that moment she decided to step out of the 2020 Olympics, she became an advocate and an inspiration. I’ve been following Simone Biles for years and I am grateful to see her return to the mat. The joy on her face as she has expertly completed her routines is blinding and beautiful. I am grateful that she has been able to compete with a safe and healthy mindset. But more than anything, I am grateful for the reminder that it is more than possible to step away from something you love in order to heal your mind and or body so that you can come back and be better at that thing you love.

This summer, I have stepped away from doing some things that I love. My personal yoga practice has been garbage. I’ve rarely made it on to my mat for anything other than teaching in well over a month. The same is true for my photography practice. My camera has not left the camera bag since we left Minnesota back in June. These things that I love to do have hit a lull or more likely, I’ve been experience some burnout. I finally made it back to my mat this week for me and I have felt stronger on my mat this week then I have felt in a long time. Breaks are necessary for healing, but also for missing the act of doing. I’ve missed my yoga time and grateful to have it back. Today, I realized that I miss my photography practice too. I miss taking the time to look around me to find beauty in the simplest things. It’s back to school time for many next week. Maybe back to school for me means getting back to my photography practice.

Sometimes I need a break and reminder to ask myself “Why do I do those things that I love?” So far, I have always been able come up with solid answers for why. I am thankful for those reasons of why.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I’ve been struggling with today’s gratitude post, something I tend to do when I’ve been sick. I’ve spent the week dealing with an upper respiratory infection. There were two days where I barely left my bed and one day of not moving far from the couch. As per usual, I still have a cough that is not dainty and discreet. It very much sounds like demons are trying to make their way out of my body even though I feel loads better. Which is the thing I should be grateful for this week.

Feeling better.

It’s rather an easy one.

I spent a lot of time away from the internet this week. I didn’t read the news or watch the news on TV. I didn’t post or take any pictures. I tuned the noise of the world out and I’ve been thinking a lot about division. How many times in a day do we hear the phrase “deeply divided country”? It has to be in the hundreds, this constant reminder that we should be at odds with one another. On one hand I see it clearly. During Trump’s presidency, he stacked the Supreme Court to his favor. The results of this has been to take away women’s rights to body autonomy and take away our rights to a clean environment. The list of the removal of rights is even larger if Trump is re-elected. He has plans to remove civil rights such as the same-sex marriage act, reduce the disabilities act and reduce federal employees like my friend Sarah who works for affordable housing. He plans to unfund basic scientific research that leads to life saving medicine. Technically, my job could be in danger. His list of removal of basic human rights is a long one. Those things are scary enough, but it is his ability to rile and incite hate and violence in his followers that truly terrifies me. He has found a way to, without addressing the specific needs of this mostly white group of people, turn their frustrations from being disenfranchised into rage. In a sense, he has created a new batch of terrorists. This rage has blinded these people from questioning his rhetoric and any possibility of civil discourse. [Side note: when’s the last time you checked on how your senators and representatives are voting? You can do that here: https://www.senate.gov/ I like to read the Daily Digest, like a newsletter of the day’s activities.]

They have fully drunk the Kool-Aid flavor of Us vs Them.

Yet, I can’t shake the idea of ‘deeply divided’ as being anything but a social construct, a 1984 tactic to keep all of us at odds with one another so we don’t ever question the rhetoric (or read that Daily Digest), nor do we make an attempt to work together. For a while now, all of that noise of constructed division has had me depressed. A week of isolation from the diatribe has me feeling less depressed and quite hopeful. I still believe that things can be better, but I also know that I do not have to engage with anyone so blinded with rage. It is a waste of my time to point out that allowing others to have those civil rights takes nothing away from them. My time is better spent reading that Daily Digest and staying in communication with my representatives and senators. My money is better spent supporting candidates who support equal rights and legislation that supports affordable health care and housing, and legislation that supports a cyclic economy for its benefits to the environment. My time is better spent breaking down the construct of ‘deeply divided’ with basic acts of kindness within my own community.

All that being said, I’m really grateful that Kamala Harris is going to be our first Black female President of the United States.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

We’ve made it to the middle of summer and Michael pointed out that he has about three weeks of summer vacation before it is time to go back to the classroom. Every time we see something about back-to-school reminders, the Cabbage groans. They are not ready to start their last year of middle school, particularly since a number of their friends are starting high school in the Fall. Michael and the Cabbage have managed to fill their summer vacation up with equal portions of summer time fun and chores.

It’s the chores part that I am grateful for.

The two of them spent two days last week, moving furniture and rugs to clean baseboards and the floor. The rug in the dining area even got washed. Then they turned their focus to the vehicles, washing the inside and out of Michael’s truck and my car. Michael re-caulked the bathtub and it looks like a professional did the job. This week, while the Cabbage is on vacation with their mom, Michael started cleaning out trash in the basement and took our sparky defunct microwave to a recycling center. All of those things were chores that I did not ask them to do and are not specifically on my list. I have dusting on my usual chore list and that includes baseboards, but Michael doesn’t know that. The only thing I asked of the Cabbage this summer was for them to clean out their clothes, getting rid of things they can no longer wear and their ‘toy’ bins. They completed this early in the summer because they were motivated with the prospect of new clothes.

The two of them did all those extra things along with the general day to day chore list. They made dinner and cleaned the kitchen. The cleaned the bathroom once a week and did the grocery shopping. They started the laundry. They took time each day to pick up their daily clutter. And I’ve pretty much done nothing except finish up the laundry and make sure a weekly meal plan gets made. Well…mostly. I still clean out Rosie (vacuum robot) four times a week and do a round with the broom and vacuum on Sundays. I’m not great at doing nothing. I need to keep some chores of my own. Me having no chores during the summer months has been Michael’s plan for a few years now, but this feels like the first summer the two of them have accomplished so much more than the usual chores.

I am truly grateful for all of the hard work they’ve put in this summer.

Next week the two of them are taking the train to St.Louis. They’ll stay two nights before taking the train home. I’m excited for them. I’m always talking about how I’d love to take the train some place. I could have tagged along, but I thought it was more important for them to do this one without me. Some of my favorite memories come from the times Dad and I traveled together, just the two of us. I desperately miss my dad’s enthusiasm for adventures great and small. Where ever we went, I was just as much in charge as he was. He allowed me to have freedom and to make choices for the both of us. But also it was an opportunity to spend time with my dad when he was at his most relaxed. I believe in those moments I saw his true self and he was goofy but thoughtful. I am a better traveler simple because of Dad.

I’d like that for Michael and the Cabbage, but I also hope they enjoy their well deserved trip.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Niki de Saint Phalle

A week ago, we had a family movie night and the three of us went to the theater for Inside Out 2. This was the same day I broke my necklace and was already experiencing some feelings. So I made sure to stash a brand new pack of travel tissues into my pocket. It’s Pixar. I knew there would be tears, but I also knew that there might also be sobs given the day I was having. It turned out to not be that bad. I mean, the movie is great. The puns are hilarious. The storyline is well thought out and maybe a little too relatable for the Cabbage right now, but we all enjoyed it. When I say it wasn’t that bad, I mean that it wasn’t the usual stabby stab of a Pixar movie. There was even a moment when I thought “Oh my gosh! I might make it through without crying!”

I don't know how to stop Anxiety. Maybe we can't. Maybe this is what happens when you grow up. You feel less joy. -Joy, Inside Out 2

And then I started crying.

This takes me back to thoughts and ideas I heard recently on Hidden Brain and which I talked about here before. Neuroscientists know that forming new synaptic connections is a link to feeling joy. Think about firsts. Your first taste of ice cream made your little head explode, but over time that feeling lessened. With that first bite we formed a neural connection that said ice cream equals joy. As we age, that connection we made becomes a known thing. So eventually, ice cream goes from “OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!” to “This is nice.” This example doesn’t have anything to do with anxiety, but more to do with habituation. Unless you’re lactose intolerant and then anxiety plays a part in your ability to enjoy ice cream. We feel less joy not just because we are growing older, but because the things that bring us joy have become habits.

The other day, I Mission Impossible moved myself from the front passenger seat of my car (while in motion) to the very back of my car where I grabbed a small block of cheese. Then made my way back to my seat with said cheese so that Michael and I could have a snack while we were out running errands. I ended up doing it again to grab a Coke that had been mistakingly placed in the bag (and not in Michael’s hand). I did this with ease and was pretty impressed with my curent state of agility. In that moment, I felt a large amount of joy. You see, like most women, I am often frustrated with this body. If I sit for more than five minutes, my body hurts when I get up. All of my fat cells have migrated from all other parts of my body to set up camp in my midsection. But I still have the ability to climb around in my car like a toddler who figured how to escape from their carseat.

So what made this a joyful moment?

My actions were new. I had never attempted such a thing in this car before. I’ve done something similar in Michael’s truck. I’ve also stood on the center console and through the sunroof of his truck (sometimes while moving) to take pictures. His truck is bigger than my little Kia. There was a slight danger factor (adrenaline rush) in the moment, but I moved with ease, leaving me with a sense of accomplishment. I even took a moment to verbally acknowledge my awesomeness. I am sure that when I was seven, if I had done such a thing, I would not have put the event into any category of feelings, yet it is probably something I did easily (probably often) at that age. What made this situation a joyful experience was the ability to reclaim actions taken for granted of my youth. In this case, I rerouted a joy pathway. So while it is true that as we grow older we might experience less joy, we don’t have to experience less joy. We just need to reroute the old pathways.

I don’t plan on living a life where I experience less joy. If anything, I expect to experience even more joy. Or maybe it’s that the joy I do experience now is more meaningful? There are things that have never lost their wow factor for me. Fireflies and hummingbirds. Seeing wildlife like deer in my neighborhood. Nature still wows me, but there are many other things outside of nature that can still fill me with joy. Just by making that observation, I have rerouted dozens of joy pathways. It is as simple as flipping a switch.

Here’s to flipping switches.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I was sitting at a bar with a drink when a fairly attractive gentleman sat down beside me. We started up a conversation about this and that. He had a smooth voice with an accent. He was charming. Then he said “Photography is irrelevant.” I gasped and replied “You are absolutely wrong. Photography is evidence of life, the beautiful gut wrenching painful parts of living. All of and everything to do with living.”

Then I woke up.

Later this week, I found myself at a high school graduation taking place at my old high school. I was tasked with photographing the new graduates. I had to fight my way through parents and family to get pictures of smiling nervous faces. Many of those parents happened to be people I had gone to high school with, their children now the ones to repeat history. The whole time I was balancing taking pictures with being polite to some of the people who still look down their noses at me. It was awkward and hard work and I longed for an ultra zoom lens so I could take pictures from the back of the room.

Thank the gods, I woke up.

I rarely remember the exact words spoken while I am in dream land, but I very clearly remember my response to Mr. NotSoCharmer. I also very clearly remember the feelings of inadequacy brought up from that second dream. I’ve been in a photography funk ever since taking my prints down from Westside Local months ago. I cart my camera around to places, but have no umph to pull it out of the bag. I’m just lugging around a heavy backpack. Last weekend, my sister and I took our mother to the Edith Head exhibit at the Oklahoma Museum of Art. I lugged my heavy backpack with us and took a few snapshots of the city. Later on, while I was processing the shots I started cropping the image so that only a bit of the structure was visible in bottom left corner. The rest of the image was open sky. I found the empty space appealing.

It was also expressing a feeling that I might have been feeling.

Now I have a new dream: my dream exhibit. It’s one that takes place in a real gallery and includes extra large prints of empty space. Right now, the idea of it feels just as hazy as regular sleepy time dreams. The only difference is that it has started gears in my head that feel rusted and stiff from sitting still for so long. It makes me want to just sit with this idea while those gears loosen up and form some kind of plan for possibilities. Dreams can come true. The big dreams just take some time and more work than the small dreams, but I’m ready to start rolling up my sleeves.

Today I am thankful for dreams.