THANKFUL FRIDAY

With each day, I am finding my gratitude practice increasing in difficulty. I used the excuse of travel for not even writing anything for last week’s Thankful Friday. This week, work has consumed me, leaving me little brain space for paying attention to much else. I even dream about work, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night in a panic about not turning something off or warning so and so about this thing that’s happening with a camera setting on a microscope or why the slide loader is still not functional. This all comes with a side of patriarchal bullshit that I didn’t see coming, but I’m taking it and being a “team player”.

Earlier in the week, Talaura sent me a text to tell me that her little dog, Sarge, had passed away. She said that his little heart just gave out. I immediately started crying when I read this. I skipped right over the shock and straight onto sad. And if this news hits me this hard, I can assure you that those feelings are quadrupled for Talaura. Sarge was the smallest dog with the biggest personality I have ever known. He could be aloof and particular with his affection. Josephine was IN LOVE with him. Every time they were in the same room together, Josephine would try to get close to Sarge and he would just turn his head away from her. I feel lucky that he chose me to cuddle up next too during my visits with Talaura. While he could be aloof with others, there was no doubt in his love and loyalty for Talaura. They were a team, the two of them, together against the world. There will not be a day when Sarge is not thought of, for he will be with Talaura forever in her heart…and mine.

Losses such as this tend to leave me questioning. How do you find gratitude under such conditions? It’s not just about losing a dear, loyal puppy friend, but other losses as well. My friend Melissa had to replace her car this week which sounds simple enough, but she’s a paraplegic. She uses hand controls to drive her car. Those controls have to be transferred to the new car with an added fee of almost $7,000. That’s $7,000 she doesn’t have, especially up front. Being able to drive in the midwest is essential to independent living and it feels criminal to be charged extra for that independence. The stress is almost visibly radiating from her right now and all I can do is be an empathetic listener. In these moments when I cannot actively help the people I care so deeply for, I struggle in my search for gratitude.

I’m grateful that Talaura was able to have Sarge in her life for as long as she did. There was a very real moment last year (?) when she almost lost him because of a viscous dog attack. I know that she still has mental scars from the trauma of that event. Sarge proved the veterinarian wrong and survived with his sass and charm intact. All of this happened at the beginning of an extremely difficult time for Talaura. So I’m grateful she was able to have more time with him. I am grateful that Melissa made it home from her mother’s house on the other side of the state in her limpy barely hanging on old car. Every time Melissa gets out of her car, she has to build her wheel chair. She has to basically build her legs. Getting out of a vehicle parked on the shoulder of a freeway is treacherous for an able bodied human. I don’t think I need to point out how doing this and building your wheelchair is even more dangerous. So, I’m grateful she made it back safely. She’ll figure out the financial side of this. Maybe I could take pictures of her feet to sell on the internet. I don’t know, but we’re trying to remain hopeful. And finally, I am grateful to have a job to obsess over. Yes, it consumes me, but I still love it.

I am grateful for every morning walk I have had with Josephine this week (four!). I am grateful for the times where I was able to get on my yoga mat (five!). I am grateful for sunscreen and scooter rides.