MY LACK OF GRATITUDE

I recognize that I’ve missed a number of Thankful Friday entries for the month of October. I also have not slept in my own bed on any Friday night of October. This weekend will be no different. Months ago, Heather got tickets to David Sedaris and then said “Come up for that weekend!” It has been on my calendar since June, well before a planned work trip and an unplanned visit to my mother. To say that the month of October has been a bit packed with travel and feelings is an understatement. I have mentally started compiling a list of things I’m thinking of putting off until next year because I’m loosing interest in doing anything with the rest of the year. I keep saying to people “When things slow down…..” and that really does sound like January to me. I know that in the winter months, there will large swaths of time of nothing because it will be too cold to leave the house.

I also came back from Oklahoma with a nasty head cold that is making it really hard to keep up any kind of momentum. When I texted Heather to warn her about my condition, she replied “Take it easy and we will continue to take it easy through the weekend.” Other than an evening with David Sedaris, we have foot spa plans which requires me to do nothing and I can’t believe how much I am looking forward to doing nothing with Heather. I will admit that returning to a weekly gratitude posting was creeping onto my list of things to be put off until next year. Then I thought about how my weekend to come is something I would normally use for a gratitude post.

I may have only stepped away from this gratitude practice for a brief moment, but I have noticed a shift in my mood and outlook and not it’s not a good shift. How easy it is to slip back into old mindsets of negativity! It is so easy to fall into old ruts and just get stuck following an old path. The good stuff, the moments that make you smile, a lot of times those moments don’t just happen. We have to make moments of joy happen and be open to recognizing hints of those moments when they happen spontaneously. It’s exercise. It’s lifting the five pound weight over and over until suddenly you don’t even notice you’re lifting the five pound weight. I do the work so that eventually I don’t realize I’m doing any work. Joy and gratitude just appears easily. Well…I’m noticing that I need to do the work.

So, I’m grateful for a weekend of rest and time with a friend.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am struggling with writing this post today. It has nothing to do with an inability to find gratitude in this week. There is a plethora of things from this week to fill up a Thankful Friday entry. We finally have a break in all of the rain, making it officially scooter season. I have managed to get up every morning for exercise and dog walks. I feel mentally prepared to teach my class next week at camp and a good idea of what I need to pack for next week. My optometrist told me that my eyes were not worse and I do not need a new prescription. Josephine finally got a haircut and is no longer tracking in mulch all the time. Things are really good right now. Hectic, but good. The thing I’m struggling with in writing about gratitude for this week in a meaningful way.

I was thinking about the things I wanted to mention during my class next week and my thoughts drifted to the word ‘practice’. During our staff meeting for camp this week, I heard so many of our staffers refer to a practice. A meditation practice. A self care practice. A mindfulness practice. Every part of daily life is a practice, but what are we practicing for? Every time I take out my camera I am practicing to be mindful of my surroundings in order to obtain a perfect picture. I am practicing for perfection. Now some of you will object to that idea and think there is no such thing as perfect, but hear me out. Some days in my photography practice, I only think about climbing up a retaining wall to take a picture of a magnolia bloom that is just out of my reach. Then there are the days where I don’t think, I just climb. And even though once I get up the wall, that magnolia bloom is still slightly out of reach, I take the picture any way. The picture I take may not end up as I intended, it may not be perfect, but the moment was perfect.

The concept of perfection is subjective and sometimes we need to set our own standards for perfection in order for us have something to work towards. I am practicing to create perfect moments in what is maybe a not so perfect day. I am practicing on sticking with my standards for perfection. Part of that practice includes being kind to myself and setting reasonable standards for perfect. That goes for what I write (or don’t write) in this space as well. So while I say this was a good week, I can also say that this was a perfect week. I am grateful for those moments during the week that have been perfect.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Found

9 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Found"

The other day, I went out to the backyard to pull some tomatoes from the vine when a hummingbird flew right up to me. He hovered right in front of my face for a few seconds and then flew up to perch on a wire above my head. He sat there long enough for me to think about running inside and grabbing my camera. Except I knew that by the time it took me to swap lenses and get my act together, that tiny bird would be gone. So instead of rushing inside, I stood very still and watched. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. Three heartbeats. Four heartbeats. Then the hummingbird flew up and over the roof of our house and was gone from sight. We don’t see hummingbirds all too often around here. I’m sure if I put out a feeder, we would see more of them but for some reason I never get around to hanging one up. Hummingbirds fall into my fantastical category. I feel like such a tiny bird that moves so quickly and travels great distances must be a mythical creature.

Like the moose.

The yin and yang of this whole scene did not go unnoticed. There is this busy buzzy movement of the hummingbird juxtaposed with the stillness of watching and observing. Then there was that brief moment when we were both still. Seconds. That is all it takes sometimes to have a moment for all the other outside noises to fall away and for you to feel some peacefulness. This is a phenomenon I often experience when I take short walks. Those moments are not as spontaneous as my encounter with the hummingbird. I usually step out with the intention of paying close attention to my surroundings. I am purposeful in looking for the interesting or the unusual that could be tucked in just around that corner over there. It is this practice that has made me a better photographer. It is this practice that helps stay calm and focused. It is this practice that helps me to notice the spontaneous moments of zen.

I am thankful.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Aphididae

1 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Aphididae"

I’m taking a break from explaining my album choices to talk or think about gratitude. Every week I sit down and write these entries and sometimes it feels like I am on autopilot. I am just going through the motions and churning out words in hopes that it reflects something about being grateful. The practice of gratitude becomes stale. Just like any practice. There are times when I step on my yoga mat because getting on the mat is part of the practice, but once I’m there, I am not always inspired to do anything. That’s why going to yoga classes and reading up on the latest Yoga Journal news is important. It helps me breathe new life into my practice when it feels like it’s gotten stagnant.

What classes do I attend or magazines do I flip through to breathe new life into a gratitude practice?

It is not in the daily news.

My nightly prayers as a child tended to be a long rolling list of all the people and things I was thankful for that day.

Dear God,

Thank you for my mom and dad and our dogs Bitsy and Bulldozer. Thank you for Janel. Thank you for not letting the goldfish die today. Thank you for my teacher, Mrs… and thank you for my best friend Jamie. Thank you for the chocolate chip cookies.

Amen

I remember the lessons taught in Sunday school about asking God for things, so I made a very strong conscious effort to not ask God for anything. Now that I think about it, not asking God for anything came pretty easy. I am and have always been stubborn and unwilling to ask for help. I do not say nightly prayers anymore for reasons I have discussed before, but sometimes reflecting on the simple is a good way to breathe new life into a stale practice. As opposed to the the deep meaning kind of gratitude that I often try to post about here.

This week, a very easy simple thing that I can be grateful for is the sunshine. We have had a whole week of bright blue skies and warmer temperatures. Every day has been a scooter day. Every morning, I have taken a short walk outside before going in for my cup of coffee. I am thankful for this weather that is thawing my soul and bringing joy to my heart. I am thankful for my Mom, my brother and sister-in-law, and my family. I am thankful for Michael and my group of chosen family. I am thankful for Josephine and I am even thankful for that darn cat, Albus. I am thankful for the bounty of eggs from the chickens and the calming presence they bring to our backyard.

I am thankful for fresh strawberries with whipped cream.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Resting

7 Likes, 3 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Resting"

This week, I walked into my therapist's office and immediately flopped down onto her chase lounge just like you see people do in the movies. She looked down at me and asked "are we laying down today?". I nodded my head yes and she went to her chair and sat down with an "okay!". I usually sit. Sometimes I kick my shoes off and tuck my feet into a lotus position, but I never lay down. Usually because I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall asleep. For some reason though, I decided that maybe the possibility of accidentally falling asleep through a session wasn't on the top of my list of some of the worst things I could do. I laid there for a few minutes, not saying anything, just being still. Finally, I took a deep breath and said "sometimes, it is nice to just be still." and my therapist agreed with me and then we sat in stillness for a few minutes before beginning our session. 

I struggle with stillness. While we were on our camping trip a couple of weekends ago, I was constantly up and fiddling about, straightening this, cleaning up that. Michael and Ted had gone to the store, leaving me and Jennifer alone at camp with the girls. They had been gone long enough for Jennifer and I to realize that we had made a terrible mistake in letting the two of them go to the store by themselves. I sat down in my camp chair and said "Okay...I'm going to not move from this chair for fifteen minutes." A second later I was up and doing something around the camp site. This is normal behavior. When Talaura was visiting, I kept us busy running us around the city all day. We would get home and I would still be up and about, messing with laundry or cleaning the kitchen. At one point Talaura even said "Cindy...why don't you sit down and rest?" She knew that I had to be running on fumes and she knew that I probably needed permission from someone else that it was okay to relax.

I know it must sound kind of surprising to hear that someone who practices yoga and writes about mindfulness has a hard time being still. Savasana, or final relaxation pose, still remains the most challenging, yet most important pose in my practice. Some days are better than others of course. This is true of anything, but there are times when I surrender easily into savasana. I get up from my mat after those easy savasanas feeling slightly loopy and then take forever getting my mat folded up and my shoes back on. I know it is possible for me to be still. I just have to work at it. This week, I have been practicing moments of stillness. I've been looking into going back to temple to get my meditation practice under control. I've sat with the dog draped across my lap while reading a book. I have surrendered completely to savasanas.

I am thankful for this practice in stillness.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * May 25, 2017 at 1:42pm UTC

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When I sit down to write these gratitude entries, my intention is to really reflect on my week and focus on the good things or the moments of clarity and insight that I have achieved. I also do it because I don't want to end up as one of those people who are so mired by the things that have gone wrong with their lives that they can't see the good in it. I know that seeing the good things takes practice and that as soon as you stop reminding yourself to find something good, you lose the ability to do so. Those moments when I open up a page to start a Thankful Friday post and end up staring blankly at the white empty space for longer than I would like, makes me panic a little. Then I start grasping at straws. "This mug! I am thankful for this mug!" "My right foot! Dear Gods, I am so thankful for my right foot!"

Don't get me wrong. I can be mighty thankful for a well made mug. Mom made a new mug on her pottery wheel recently that is the perfect roundness and weight. It cupped perfectly in my two hands. She's going to submit it as an entry in the fair (yes, people still submit things to the local, county, state fairs) or It would be cupped perfectly in my two hands right this minute. I am also thankful for my right foot because it doesn't hurt. My left foot on the other hand is on my list for just hurting for no particular reason other than to be a jerk. My left foot is a jerk. But grasping at straws like this always makes me laugh. I come up with the most ridiculous and simple things to be grateful for and then I start to giggle. This is how having a gratitude practice can bring joy to your life. 

This week I am thankful that my brother is going to be just fine. There was a health scare earlier this week, but everything is okay. I am thankful for my own agile body. That's hard to say when I still see a fat belly when I look down at myself. I am thankful for Josephine's new haircut. It makes her seem springier and slightly more hilarious. I am thankful for the sunshine that hit me in the face as I walked my outside loop to get coffee this morning. I am thankful that we are finally getting a chance to go camping this weekend, even if it is one of the most crowded camping weekends of the year. Let's kick it off together! We're headed to the birth place of Mark Twain. He's a national treasure, you know. So there's sure to be lots of stamp collecting. We'll be at a park right across from the mighty Mississippi and chances are I will be sporadically belting out "Old Man River" the whole weekend. 

Thank you to the people who serve this country in the military. This includes the families of those people because I know first hand the sacrifices the whole family makes when one member chooses this path. It's super hard, scary work. 

Be safe and have a wonderful Thankful Friday!

THINGS I DO WHEN I'M NOT HERE

I have been making a real effort lately to get my Nikon out of my bag and just shoot. There's a sticky note up on my desk at work that says "shoot with a mindful eye". I wrote it down when I was taking an online class on black and white street photography. It is not that I haven't heard this tidbit of wisdom. It was just that in the moment of hearing, I realized that I needed to be reminded to shoot with a mindful eye. My photo editing tool is the one provided in iPhotos on my MacBook. Sure, I could splurge on some serious photo editing programs, get PhotoShop subscription, but I'm cheap and stubborn. I still cling to the idea of taking a good picture to start with. The camera on my phone makes it easier to take a decent picture and then filter it into something spectacular. Too easy. I have become a little bit lazy. 

So, I've been working on taking a good picture with my Nikon. I don't work on this craft every day and when I do, I feel like I don't work on it for very long. I've sort of approached it all as one would do when they first start exercising after a long recovery from a serious surgery. It is the getting the pictures from the SD card to the computer that has become the most tedious part of it all. As I wrote that sentence I immediately thought about all the times I used a film camera as a kid and how half the time I just wouldn't bother to have a roll of film developed because of the cost and the time. I had to have an adult drive me all the way to the closest Walmart with a photo center. Cut to the year 2017 and I'm complaining about manually inserting a  small disk into the side of my computer and transferring only the pictures that I want to keep to my computer. Free of charge. Of course it still costs money to print the pictures. The difference now is that I'm only printing out good pictures as opposed to twenty four partially overexposed pictures with my finger in the bottom left corner. 

I am not always shooting with a mindful eye in these moments as much as I am just shooting, taking pictures just for the sake of taking pictures. I do take a breath of a minute to be mindful of light or lack of light, but mostly I'm just taking pictures in hopes that I capture something interesting. I am looking at every day mundane things in hopes of seeing something unique and interesting in those things seen through the lens. 

This is what I am trying to do when I'm not here.