LOSING TINY THINGS

Purple

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Purple"

I felt it when it happened. As I drew the seat belt down to buckle in, I felt the shoulder strap catch on my earring and rip it from my ear. Maybe 'rip' is too dramatic of a description. 'Rip' implies pain and blood and it didn't really hurt. It was more of a sickening shocking dreadful feeling. The strap pulled my earring free from my ear. I reached up and retrieved the backing of the earring still stuck to the backside of my earlobe. Moving very slowly and carefully, I reached over and dropped the backing into the open pocket on my purse. Then I sat there for a minute wondering what to do next. I hadn't heard the sound of my earring hitting anything, so maybe it had dropped into my coat or shirt. I got out of the car to check around the floor board and seat just in case, but I immediately regretted that action because if the earring was in my coat, it could have fallen out when I got of the car. 

I got back in the car and headed home. All along the drive home, I fretted over that earring. I hadn't just might have lost a simple silver elephant earring. I might have lost the silver elephant earring. These earrings were the first earrings I had spent real money on. They had been handmade by an artist that doesn't offer them any more. The elephants have tiny diamonds for eyes. They are my grown up fancy version of the pair I used to wear as a child. They are the kind of earrings I will leave to a niece or a stepchild in my will. Those earrings were my gift to myself on my birthday the year after Chris died, the year after the birthday of really bad news. These were my thoughts as I drove the four miles home from work. I had no idea how I was going to replace them and I was preparing myself for the loss. 

My mother had a pair of jade earrings once. I don't remember her ever wearing them, I just know of them because they are earrings that were lost to her. My sister had 'borrowed' them and had worn them while swimming at the lake. By the end of the day, she only had one earring. I heard my mother lament the loss of those earrings many times. This story is filed in a file in my brain labeled This is Why You Can't Have Nice Things. This file includes light blue furniture and why I still haven't replaced the living room rug that is as old as I am. I can't have nice things because they will get lost or ruined. This file is also filled with sound bites from ugly voices telling me how stupid I was to spend that kind of money on a pair of earrings and that I do not deserve such extravagant (by my standards) treats. That voice tells me I am so irresponsible. That voice reminds me that my fancy birthday present to myself didn't change anything. They didn't bring Chris back or erase the memory of awfulness.

 I recognize that the This is Why You Can't Have Nice Things file needs to be pulled and shredded.   

When I got home, I carefully made my way to my bedroom. As I pulled my coat free from my arm, I heard the thud sound of something small and hard hitting the bedroom rug. I bent down and retrieved my earring from the floor. Then, after also replacing the backing on that earring, I set it on my dresser to be worn another day. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Morning #makelight

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Morning #makelight"

I wrote a lengthy entry on Wednesday talking about Santosha and teaching yoga. Santosha is one of the Niyamas, the eight-limbed path of yoga and is sanskrit for contentment. It was entry about how I might have been using contentment as an excuse to be complacent or I've just been telling myself I'm content when I'm really just lazy. I spent a lot of time on that post. Then I hit the save button and an error page showed up on the screen. I couldn't get anywhere or do anything on the blog because there was some kind of glitch. When I was finally able to get back onto the site, my entry was gone. Wah wah. I did consider trying to rewrite that entry, but I am either content to let it go or too lazy to try to recreate it. 

I ordered a really cute skirt online back in January. It was my birthday present to myself. The skirt is covered with brightly colored elephants. When it arrived, I tried it on and it didn't fit. It was too small. This made me sad for a few reasons. First of all I was sad about my waistline. Then I was sad I couldn't wear my cute new skirt. Then I was sad because I had to go through the whole return process, which just the act of putting a stamp on something these days feels like a hassle. I received a gift card for the full price of the skirt and it has been sitting in my inbox for some time while I decided what I should do next. I had had some time to think about that skirt and now I wasn't so sure if it was the most practical purchase. Maybe I should use the gift card to buy a blouse or some pants. 

I was mulling this over while chatting with Talaura and I showed her my options. She said that she still loved the skirt. I explained that I couldn't really wear it to work because my legs have to be covered. I said it may be a more practical option to buy pants. Then she replied:

Then I told Talaura that she's a good friend and I bought the skirt in a size that would fit me. Of all the places she told me to wear that skirt, it was the one about wearing it to Saturday morning breakfast by myself that made tears prick in the corners of my eyes. Talaura is also the person who gave me a 'merit' badge that reads didn't please everyone. Because she knows me. 

Lena Dunham's character in Girls said in the latest episode "it's hard to know what is going on with others when you are focused on yourself." When I watch that show, I'm not watching it in expectation of hearing any words of wisdom. Girls is a guilty pleasure, but I took that sentence and flipped it around. It is hard to know what is going on with yourself when you are focused on others. This is what I tend to do. I spend a lot of time and energy making life easier for those around me, more so than I spend on taking care of myself or doing nice things for myself.  I am thankful for Talaura for being a good friend and for reminding me to do nice things for myself. 

I am thankful for the days this week where I was able to ride my scooter. I am thankful the patch of poison ivy on my collar bone is clearing up. I am thankful for the bowl full eggs on our kitchen counter. I am thankful for those moments that usually happen early in the morning, when I let Josephine back in from a bathroom break and she wiggles herself under my comforter until she is no longer visible. I am thankful for a skirt covered with elephants. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram photo by Cindy Maddera * Jan 22, 2016 at 2:50pm UTC

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap

For years, for most years I can remember any way, Katrina had a china cabinet that was filled will all kinds of porcelain, ceramic, and glass cats. Except for one shelf. On that shelf, she had five different elephants. Three of them were pitchers and two of them were tiny planters and I coveted them. The first time I saw them, I reached for them with my hands, just assuming that they were mine. Katrina politely said "No way, young lady!" and then told me that I could have those when she died. Which seems like something really morbid to tell a child, but at the time I was probably thirty, trapped inside a ten year old. Any way, I knew that one day, when Katrina passed away, I would have those lovely elephants and remember that they used to sit in a cabinet full of cats and think fondly of Katrina's bipolar collections. 

When we all sat down for dinner together last Saturday, Randy handed Mom her gift bag and then he handed me a large gift bag. I was confused. My tattoo was birthday present from Randy and Katrina, so I didn't understand why I was getting another gift. I said "You were not supposed to buy me anything." Katrina replied "I didn't." And I knew then, before I had even unwrapped the first elephant. She gave me those elephants I had coveted for all this time and of course I got all teary about it. Do not fret though. Katrina is not dying. She will be with us for a good long time if I have any say in the matter. She just thought it was time for me to enjoy those elephants. I'm going to fill them with cacti. I am thankful for Katrina and her elephants.

I am thankful for the wonderful weekend I spent with Mom. We had a really nice visit. Her kitchen is coming together nicely. She's seems really happy and that makes me happy. I am grateful for her happiness and grateful for her health. She got a little sickly on us for a while there, but seems to be on the mend and back to her more active self. I am really grateful for this because I plan on celebrating many more birthdays with her. And speaking of birthdays, I am so grateful for every single birthday wish that came my way. I know that there were a couple of people in that list who are dealing with some hard losses of their own right now and they took a moment to tell me Happy Birthday. That's humbling, but I also know that being able to get on Facebook and send someone else good wishes is an easy distraction in times like that. My heart and love are with those people today. 

I'm so grateful for a lot of things and people this week. Marguerite has laid two eggs this week. We know it's her because the eggs are greenish blue. Michael bought them a heated water feeder and they love it. I came home on Sunday to a fresh layer of snow. Just a thin layer, but it has stuck around because it's been too cold to melt. Thursday morning I mention to Michael that maybe we should try to take the Cabbage sledding this weekend. He informed that there was not enough snow for sledding. So...it snowed a little more that day. Actually, it snowed all day yesterday and it was really quite pretty. I am thankful that for once I could look at the snow with joy instead of my usual grumbles. 

Here's to a weekend full of sledding and hot chocolate. And here's to a wonderful Thankful Friday!