THANKFUL FRIDAY

I just received an ad for Mothers Day gifts for dog moms and it kind of makes my brain feel itchy. I am one hundred percent a dog mom. I love Josephine so much that Michael often tells her that she’s a terrible tragedy. He says she can’t understand a word that we say and I know for a fact that she understands everything. Because Josephine and I know that he understands nothing. She’s the best most smooshy face cuddle puppy in the whole dang world and we just got in trouble with the veterinarian because I have been giving Josephine all the treats that she asks for. We’ve been put on a treat diet. The point is, I agree that I treat Josephine better than I would an actual child of mine, but giving me a Mothers Day gift feels like a bit too much.

I recognize that someone doesn’t have to actually drop a baby out of their body in order to be a mother. Motherhood comes in a beautiful kaleidoscope array of colors. Raising a human being, a good human being, is really difficult. Raising a human to be empathetic towards others, community minded, kind, generous and thoughtful is the defining reason for my choice to not have children. I just never believed that it was something I had a skill set to do. There was also a whole thing about money. Kids are expensive. Chris and I were always struggling financially. I don’t think we ever had a savings account or if we did, it held only the bare minimum to be active. Chris and I were not responsible people and sure, I know that there are plenty of irresponsible people out there raising children. I just didn’t want to be one of those people.

To be clear, I still don’t want to be one of those people.

I came across a photo of my sister-in-law and nephew in a box labeled ‘Cindy’. My mother had sorted photos into various boxes. for us. There was one for my sister, but I didn’t see one for my brother. As I sorted through my box, I came across a number of pictures that clearly should go to either of my siblings. Like my sister’s wedding photos and my nephews Eagle Scout Ceremony. This one particular photo though, made me tear up when I looked at it. It was an old Polaroid photo of my sister-in-law and nephew curled up asleep on my parents couch. They were both still dressed in their Easter clothes. My Strawberry Shortcake blanket had been draped over them. That photo said everything that there is to say about being a mother. Love, comfort, safety. All of that and more. The thing you can’t see in this photo is just how hard it is to love someone so much and then just have to let them go out into the world, living their own lives. Motherhood is hard. And it’s made harder when something unimaginable happens to the person you birthed. I’ve seen those mothers who have had to navigate the unimaginable while remaining steadfast and true and there are so many of them who do it so well. They had to have been designed for it.

Motherhood is hard and we live in a country that doesn’t support it. The current administration has slashed funding for schools and school safety, along with free meals. They’ve put a stop to funding for investigating child sexual abuse and other crimes against children. Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Programs are now working with a greatly reduced budget. We are the only high-income country in the world that does not mandate paid maternity leave. The administration has cut funding for research regarding women’s health, particularly reproductive health. Meanwhile, this president thinks that a $5,000 incentive will encourage women to have more babies while the average cost of infant care is around $14,000 a year.

As Kristin Lawless points out, recent estimates find that mothers are working 97 hours per week in the home. If they were paid accordingly, it would amount to $115,000 per year — which includes 13.2 hours as a day care teacher, 3.9 hours as household CEO, 7.6 hours as a psychologist, 14.1 hours as a chef, 15.4 hours as a housekeeper, 6.6 hours doing laundry, 9.5 hours as a PC or Mac operator, 10.7 hours as facilities manager, 7.8 hours as a janitor, and 7.8 hours driving the family car. - Robert Reich (substack article on mothers day)

Being a mother is a full time job on top of the full time jobs most women have. Mothers are over worked and underpaid. To truly support mothers in this country is to support legislation that cares for mothers. Instead, our answer for all of this is to have a day devoted to moms where we let mom hang out in bed eating the burnt pancakes we lovingly make them. While, it may have been a well meaning holiday, Mothers Day has gone the way of many of our well intentioned holidays. We’ve commercialized the fuck out of it so now we send out ads to include as many people who will be willing to pull out their credit cards. The reminders that we need to ‘give Mom the very best’ and to ‘show her that you love her’ would be nice if they were not attached to diamonds and bouquets and other trinkets that your mom doesn’t need or want. Those reminders are also daggers for those whose mother is no longer with us.

I know this doesn’t sound like a very thankful post. It sort of went off the rails, but it needed to go off the rails. Pointing out these little bits of information on the difficulty in motherhood, makes me very grateful for a number of reasons. Mothers do whatever they need to do to ensure the survival and success of their child. My own mother raised me amongst a village of women who could fill in the nurturing gaps when she couldn’t be there to do it. So, I am particularly grateful for the whole kaleidoscopic forms of motherhood. I am grateful for a mother who can do the hard things and navigate the unimaginable times. I am grateful for the mothers in my life who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. My way of celebrating these women is to recognize them every day, support a government that supports them, and maybe send out some words of encouragement.

Happy Mothers Day.