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FAMILY AND GRATITUDE

Cindy Maddera

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These are all safe places for our LGBTQ+ community to gather and any one of them could be Club Q. Politics is just a symptom of the division in this country. It is a symptom of fear, an emotion that drives hate and jealousy. The people in this country who consistently support and elect government officials who promote hate are people who feel small and scared. They are jealous of those who live their lives authentically. They will go to their graves being fearful of those who are different and filled with hate for those of us who are brave enough to love. I’m not saying we should feel sorry for these people, though I do pity them. I’m saying that they will not be swayed into another way of thinking.

Our voices have got to be louder, our actions bigger.

Two-thirds (64%) of respondents had experienced anti-LGBT+ violence or abuse. Of those that had experienced anti-LGBT+ violence and abuse: 9 in 10 had experienced verbal abuse (92%). 3 in 10 had been subject to physical violence (29%). 2 in 10 had experienced sexual violence (17%).

Galop Hate Crime Report 2021

Ways to help Club Q victims:

Michael and I are spending Thanksgiving with the family I built, a group of men who introduced me to all of those places I listed above. When Richard Fierro was interviewed about tackling the Club Q gunman, he said that all he was thinking was that he had to protect his family. I can’t say that I would not do the same. I am so grateful to have them in my life. They make me a better human just by knowing their names. In a memorial service this week, one of our grad students said “I love all of you. I wish I had said this more often, but I am no longer waiting to say it. I love you.”

I love all of you.

WE ALL HAVE TO GROW UP SOMETIME

Cindy Maddera

Traci contacted me last week to ask if I’d take Quinn’s senior pictures. My immediate response was a mixed bag of being unqualified to take these pictures and internal weeping because how is it possible that this kid is graduating high school?!? I swallowed those feelings and struck a deal with Traci. I would take the pictures for free, edit them and then give them a folder of images to choose and have prints made. She countered the deal with an okay, but we’re going to this fancy ten course dinner place afterwards. We are good at negotiations.

They met me in Tulsa where I had traveled to visit with Mom and we roamed around the Gathering Place while I snapped pictures of Quinn. I took well over three hundred pictures and his eyes were closed in probably two hundred and fifty of them. There was a lot to catch up on since we hadn’t spent time together in almost a year. We swapped life stories while Quinn mugged for the camera. Occasionally, Traci and I would give each other a side eye before making fun of his duck face pose. Yes…duck face is not just for the females and a more experienced portrait photographer would have been able to give this lanky man child better things to do with his face and hands. Even if I was an experienced portrait photographer, I would have been distracted by how it was possible that this human was mostly all grown up.

I have so many stories of this person as a small human. Chris and I were right on the other side of the door to his delivery room and were some of the first people to meet him on his first day on this planet. I have such a clear memory of Traci’s Chris holding this bundled newborn up for us all to witness. Quinn’s head was perfectly rounded and made for those little knitted baby caps. He looked back at us with one squinty eye, like Popeye. Chris was Quinn’s manny from the time he was a tiny baby until we moved to Kansas City. On the Saturday mornings when Chris was working, I’d run errands and then grab breakfast or lunch to take over to Traci’s house. Then Chris and I would watch Quinn poke food into his mouth for over an hour or we’d take him to the Bass Pro Shop to see ‘catfish’. We watched countless hours of Cars and Finding Nemo. We spent every Halloween at their place handing out candy to what felt like thousands of kids or walking the neighborhood trick-or-treating. Tantrums, laughs, snotty noses, I’ve experienced them all.

Traci had made reservations at FarmBar, a place that does a ten course tasting menu, the kind of place I wouldn’t ever think to take a teenager. But Quinn is pretty culinarily adventurous and willing tried each dish that was placed in front of us. There was no need to prod or beg him to just try a bite. The dinner was good, some dishes better than others, but the thing that made this dinner the best was Quinn’s commentary on all of the dishes. If Chris left any kind of imprint on this kid, it was his dry wit and sense of humor. The Kanpachi crudo of shiso ganita and charred onion was described as a “vegetable snow cone” which was not far from the truth. We were five or six courses in before Quinn declared that he hadn’t even used his napkin yet and while waiting on course six, he said “they’re probably back there whipping up one mushroom for the four of us.” And we laughed so dang much.

Quinn has a job and a girlfriend. He’s taking college courses and plans on going to nursing school, like his parents. He’s debating between Japan and Mexico for his senior trip. I told him to pick Japan. He still has that squinty brown eye, though his other eye is hazel. He is taller than all of us. He has Chris’s sense of humor and skill for delivering the perfectly timed, sarcastically dry line.

I bet that skill gets him farther than he can even imagine.

TIME TRAVELLING

Cindy Maddera

A few weeks ago, I received a text from Steph about Cati’s graduation and how they would love for me to be there. My first instinct was to say no. I had plans the weekend of graduation. I didn’t feel up to driving all that way. Then I shook it off and gave myself a lecture about making an effort for those you care about. I easily rearranged my weekend plans, packed a bag and headed south. And though the drive was long and tedious, it was worth it. I was there to watch our not so little Catidid walk across the stage and take pictures of her with her family. The smile on this young woman’s face told me everything I needed to know about her future. She was so thrilled to be graduating and is so excited about college. She is focused and driven and inspiring.

Steph’s home was filled up with her in-laws and so I stayed at Steph’s parents’ house just down the road. Jenny and Mike have always referred to me as their second child and they were so happy to have me staying with them. When Steph and I were discussing my sleeping arrangements, we joked and said that maybe Steph should come stay at least one night. We’d have a sleepover like the old days when we’d pull all the couch cushions off of the couch and make a bed on the floor. In some ways, it really did feel like I had travelled back in time. I watched Cati and her best friend, Emma, hugging each other and I remembered Steph and I at that age. Cati and Emma have been inseparable since elementary school, maybe even longer. Their friendship story mirrors mine and Steph’s in so many ways, with the two of them headed off to different colleges in the Fall.

Late on my last evening, I was sitting up talking with Jenny. She said she had been trying to write something in her card for Cati, but was having a hard time coming up with the words. I laughed and told her that I had had the same problem. I had plans of writing a lengthy note of encouragement and wisdom but all I could come up with was a couple of sentences about how proud I am of her. I told Jenny that I didn’t have any words of wisdom to impart, that despite all I have done and been through, I still don’t really feel like an adult. Jenny surprised me saying that she felt the same way. “Sometimes I feel like I’m eighteen years old.” she said. This seemed oddly reassuring to me. It almost takes away my definition of adult.

I am a teenager who sometimes does adult things.

THROW EVERYTHING IN THE BOX

Cindy Maddera

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Tilt"

This was probably the fullest weekend that we have had in a really long time. The house filled up with friends and family starting on Friday and stayed that way for the whole weekend. There were plenty of hands to help me prepare for Michael's party and we got things done so efficiently that there was extra time for relaxing in the backyard. We had two evenings of sitting around the fire pit. All of the boys got added to our doorway where we mark the growth progress of the Cabbage and where we tend to also mark the height of guests. It is my favorite doorway of all the doorways. I got to spend some much missed hours with Amy's little one where she told me knock-knock joke after knock-knock joke and Boo Boo Butt was always at the door. I ate cake and relaxed in the hammock. 

I looked at my phone today and realized that I only took a handful of pictures over the weekend. Most of those pictures are of Amy's little monster who is the most hilarious child that never stops moving or talking. So you can guess that most of the images are blurry. I have a weekend photo folder of a handful of blurry images. And it is perfect. Those blurry images are a true representation of the weekend. Colors and sounds swirled together with the smell of a campfire. That's what this past weekend was and usually how weekends filled with friends and family tends to go. There are always the moments that you want to stretch and pull out like pink taffy. These are the kind of moments that can't be captured in a picture.

There's a handful of us who will bust out laughing any time someone in the group yells out "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!". Terry learned more about the feral hogs of Oklahoma then he ever thought he'd probably ever learn. Our backyard looked the best it has ever looked, but not because of all of the yard work Michael and I did. Our backyard looked good filled with our people with the dog and a couple of little kids running around chasing bubbles. The backyard was down right perfect when the sun dropped down below the horizon with the fire in the fire pit roaring. We'd watch the bats circle above us while someone took a turn telling a story or joke. 

So...I don't have a whole lot of pictures from the weekend. I've taken those moments, the stories and words, and I've tucked them away in it's own special memory box.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Cindy Maddera

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 5 likes

All of the Christmas presents, which happens to be all for the Cabbage, are wrapped and shoved into my closet and one drawer under the bed. We were afraid to put them all under the tree. The animals have been really good about the Christmas tree this year, but I am not convinced that they would be so good with paper wrapped boxes under that tree. So we have taken to stashing Christmas presents out of reach and sight. This is a challenge in seven hundred and fifty square feet of space. My Mom would hide Christmas presents so well every year that there would always be at least one or two that she'd miss. She'd be cleaning out some closet in the middle of July and come across a shopping bag containing a sweater or toy and say something like "Oh! That's where that went!". Then she'd hand it over to who ever it was meant for with a "Merry Christmas!" That's going to be me. As I placed two wrapped Barbie's into that drawer, I thought "Is this the year I lose a gift?" 

Stockings are hung with care and ready for filling with treats. Christmas cards are in the mail (I'm so sorry if I missed someone). Plans are in works for visiting family and friends. There's nothing much left to do but to sit back and watch the lights twinkle on the Christmas tree. Every year, I feel the hectic rush of Christmas as I am sure many of you do. I think of the tasks before me and wonder about how I will ever accomplish all of the things on my list. This year was a little worse because I feel like I selfishly took up a whole week of December traveling around California. I don't feel guilty about it or have any regrets, but I do recognize that it took some time away from getting things done on the Christmas list. Except it didn't. Like I said, the hectic rush of Christmas comes along every year and every year, it all comes together. Almost like magic. Christmas magic. I am thankful that the preparations for Christmas are done enough so that now all my time can be spent focused on what's important. I am thankful for the time I will spend soaking in all of the love and laughter with family and friends. 

May the days ahead be filled with joy for you and your family. May you take time to recognize the importance of the holiday and that Christmas comes with out boxes, ribbons and bows. May you take a moment to recognize that it is not the geographical location that matters but the people you are with in that space that matters. May you take a moment to grasp onto all of that and be grateful. Be grateful for the good things of this moment and grateful for the good moments to come. This is what I plan to do. Happy Holidays and safe travels to all. Here's to a jingly bell kind of weekend and a star bright kind of a Thankful Friday. 

MEET THE CHICKENS

Cindy Maddera

"I talked him into four. #365"

Michael called a few places on Friday about chickens and when we headed out Saturday morning we were not really sure we'd be coming home with any chickens. Apparently egg layers sell out fast. I suggested we try the Family Farm Center in Harrisonville first. Michael had forgotten about that place and hadn't called there. So we were really excited when we walked into the store and could hear chirping. We followed the sound of chirps and peeps to several water troughs converted into chick corals near the middle of the store.

Right away I noticed they were out of Rhode Island Reds and Buff Orpingtons, both breeds that I had been thinking about because I'd read good things about them. Both of these breeds also happen to be very popular for urban backyard chickens. It sounds a little negative to say that we picked from the breeds they had left, but that's what we ended up doing. I couldn't be more pleased with the breeds that we ended up with though. All of them are going to grow into beautiful birds with wonderful colorful eggs. In fact a couple of our chicks were breeds that I had read about and loved, but didn't think I'd have access to locally. I thought these were special order birds and I was really happy to see them at the Family Farm Center. 

This is Matilda. Matilda is a Gold Laced Wyandotte and will lay brown eggs.  I saw an adult Gold Laced when we took the Cabbage to the pumpkin patch in October last year and was entranced by the beautiful pattern of her feathers. I can't wait for Matilda to grow into a mature chicken. She is going to be dazzling. 

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Next up is Foghorn. Michael named her. He considered several names, but in the end said that Foghorn is the best name. She's an Austra White and will lay whitish colored eggs.  The description for the Austra White, which is a cross between a White Leghorn and Black Australorp, is said to be docile and less flighty than the Leghorn. Foghorn is pretty laid back and very sweet.

Marguerite is our Araucana. This breed is also called Easter Eggers because they lay green or blue eggs. I know I'm not supposed to have a favorite, but Marguerite is my favorite. I love her puffy little cheeks and her squinty eyes. She is so calm and reserved. I think she looks sophisticated, like she should be wearing a fancy hat or scarf or just knows very wise things about how to put on lipstick and eyeliner. 

Last  but not least, we have Dorothy (like the Wizard of Oz). Dorothy was no name for a few days because we thought we'd save this one for the Cabbage to name. Dorothy is a Black Sex Link and will lay brown eggs. She's a cross between a Rhode Island Red and Barred Rock. This cross makes them sexable by color. All black chicks are hens so that makes it a sure thing you're not getting a rooster. She's really very funny and lively. She's the only one in the bunch that I've seen flap her wings in distress. She did that when I picked her up to take her picture. She stands up tall and I think she may be thinking she's head chicken. We'll see how that plays out.

Several weeks ago Chad posted this picture on Instagram of a basket full of different colored eggs. Naturally colored, not died with Easter egg dyes. It was such a beautiful display of diversity. I am so excited that I am going to have egg cartons filled with a very similar selection of colors. We are all, with maybe the exception of Josephine, in love with the chickens. Josephine has seen them and know they exist. She has not had enough time with them to form an opinion. Right now she's a little leery. I'm sure they'll all be best friends by summer. 

Holy Goats you guys. There are chickens in our basement right now. Real live little baby chickens that go "chirp chirp chirp" and "peep peep peep". Michael and I go down and check on them and talk to them. I found out recently that if you sing gently to them, they all get quiet and when I hold Marguerite and sing to her, she sings back. At bedtime we go down and say goodnight to the chickens. I tell them how pretty they are and Michael tells them to hurry up and grow big and strong and lay some eggs. 

LOVE THURSDAY

Cindy Maddera

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

I have told all of you the story of when Randy and Katrina lived in a trailer behind Mom and Dad's house when I was really little and how Katrina would watch me slide down the slide over and over and over only because I'd told her to do so. I'm sure I told all of you about how Katrina was instrumental in taking me to my first rock concert. Randy and Katrina took me, Janell and J to see Robert Palmer. The guy dancing next to me danced with a very full glass of beer that ended up all over me. It was totally awesome. I'm not sure if I ever told you about the time Katrina was huge pregnant with J and she was watching me, Janell and our friend Erika. We had to go to the grocery store and all the people there were looking at Katrina with judgy eyes. Janell, Erika and I latched on to Katrina and started calling her "mom." The three of us thought it was hilarious. Katrina did not. 

I collected Strawberry Shortcake when I was a kid and had every single Strawberry Shortcake doll that existed. Every single smelly one. Katrina played a major part in making sure that I had every thing Strawberry Shortcake. Pat Benatar, The Bee Gees, Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, are all part of the soundtrack to my life introduced to me by Katrina. At one time Randy and Katrina owned a 1967 Ford van that someone had cut the top off of and welded a camper shell onto. It only had two seats and there was a hole rusted out of the floor in the back. I can remember sitting around this hole with Janell and we'd watch the road under us as Randy drove to this place and that. Every once in a while Katrina would yell back "scoot back from the hole!" because one of us had gotten a little too close to the edge. 

My memories do not go far enough back to ever remember Katrina not being a part of my family. Its kind of fuzzy, but I even vaguely remember when she and Randy took Janell and I to see The Jungle Book and that was near the beginning of her relationship with my brother. When I pull up Christmas memories, I see my mom in her apron with a tray of pecan tassies and I see Katrina's hands with her perfectly manicured nails tossing raw oysters in cornmeal before transferring them over to the fry pan. She is ingrained in my life. She is my sister-in-law but in the years I have known her she has played the roll of sister, parental figure, babysitter, cousin, confidant, and friend. 

Yesterday Katrina celebrated a birthday, but in reality we all celebrated her birthday. Because it's not just about her surviving another year. It's about another year (and many more) of having her in my life. Another year of her being my sister, parental figure, cousin, confidant and friend. I left babysitter off the list, because I don't really need that any more. Though, Katrina may disagree with that.

Happy Birthday Katrina! And Happy Love Thursday!