THE THINGS WE DO NOT KNOW

I spent the weekend in Oklahoma not seeing everyone I wanted to see, but spending quality time with those I needed to see. I was able to see for myself that Talaura’s Sarge was alive and well. I was able to squeeze Talaura and hopefully give her a tiny break and an empathetic ear. Most of the rest of my time was spent with Robin, Traci and Chris. I dragged them all to the First Americans Museum, a museum Chris and I watched being built but never got to see its completion. The front of the building looks like the sun and for years, we watched as this sun rose because we passed the construction site on our daily commute to work. It was lovely to finally step inside this sun and see the tragic beauty of our first Americans.

Then Traci, Robin and I spent the rest of the day floating in Traci’s pool. As we floated about, rotating with the shade, we talked about all things and no things. This was the first time Traci and Robin had really gotten a chance to talk to each other and I watched a friendship begin as they learned the stories of each other. At one point, when our fingers were pruney from our time in the water, I told Traci about the hand written note I had found in Chris’s office while cleaning it out. The note contained half a date, a date I couldn’t account for and the thought of it has haunted me all this time. I asked Traci “Is it possible he knew he was sick before we moved?” and without blinking an eye she said “I would not be surprised.” She told me that he would have done anything for my happiness.

This is when I learned something about Chris that I didn’t know.

Traci told me that Chris had not always been the kind, empathetically generous person that most of us knew. She told me about him telling her he had met a girl and all his fears that this girl wouldn’t love him. She told me how I had changed him. I rolled my eyes at this thinking that it couldn’t possibly be true. All the years. All the time. My core belief is, has been, that Chris was the one who made me a better person. Definitely not the other way around. He’s the one who built a place for me to write, to put the camera in my hand, to put my career first. This is how I learned that support is not words but actions and I have spent lifetimes worried that I didn’t act enough in return. Turns out that was not necessarily true.

We made each other better.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week, I was contacted by an old friend who wanted to honor Chris in a very specific way. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in years, only keeping up with each other’s lives through social media. We spent some time catching up on his now grown children and my life as a step parent. Then he told me about his plan and asked me if I would be okay with him using Chris's name as an author in something he was writing for academic publication. I gave my permission without hesitation but with the stipulation that I can read it before he submits.

First of all, it was really nice talking with this friend. It has been far too long since our last encounter. He is so gentle and kind and understanding, just a great person to communicate with, but he also tells me nice things. Like how I am the one who is kind and understanding. He told me that Chris and I were still his standard and example of how relationships should be and work as a true partnership. That’s very sweet and equally painful to hear for a number of reasons, but it was good to hear this person’s voice and appraisal.

Chris and I were not an island. I have always known that Chris does not solely belong to me. I am sure the same would be true of Chris if roles were reversed. The two of us have always believed in the collective of humanity. We created a family for ourselves with people who believed in the power of support and community. To have such a family and community requires love and respect, but mostly love. Love is the foundation and we all know what happens to houses built on poor foundations. Our house was made to endure the tests of time and loss. It was built to hold an unimaginable weight of love.

Not just for me.

This week was difficult and my first instinct for today’s post was to write about all the hard stuff and how busy our summer has been so far. I have yet to transition into a do nothing phase of summer. I’m tired and my feet hurt. The brain fog is thick and yesterday I discovered a long black hair sticking out of my chin. Lord knows how long that’s been there, pointing at people. That phone call with an old friend was a balm. I am grateful to have been partnered with someone who inspires others, even years after he is gone, to think of him so fondly. I look forward to reading this academic paper and seeing Chris’s name honored in this way.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Long ago, I stepped back from a life where I seemed to always be burning a candle at two ends. Sometimes I think of it as stepping into a life a leisure, which is a bit absurd if you think that a life of leisure is working a nine to five job, keeping up a house, making sure pets are well spoiled, teaching two yoga class a week, and walking ten thousands steps a day. But yes, apparently I consider my current life to be one of leisure. Maybe it has been a little too leisurely for me because I recently seem to be continuously adding stuff to my social calendar. There are two back to back weekends in April where I will be out of town on adventures. My norm is to only have one weekend adventure a month, if that, particularly in the winter months. Now it seems I am making up for all the days I lived the life of a mole.

I took Tuesday off from work so that I could hang photos at Westside Local. I don’t know why I thought this would take me hours, but fortunately I was home when FedEx dumped a large cumbersome box onto my front yard. The box contained a chair I had ordered that was scheduled to arrive on Thursday. Now you can just go ahead and imagine all Lucille Ball moments now because that pretty much sums up how I managed to get the large cumbersome box into the house. The chair is for the living area and it is the chair I wanted for that space to begin with but ended up compromising on a chair I did not love. That chair has served it’s purpose and now others can see why I did not love that chair because their butts have been sitting in it long enough to recognize the flaws of said chair. The new chair is a nice orange, is smaller and less bulky than the old chair. And I love it.

I also thought that by taking Tuesday off, I would have time to rest up before heading out to see Jenny Lewis in concert. This is a concert I have dreamed about for years and even though it was happening on a school night and the show didn’t start until 8 with the opener, I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. The concert was at the Truman which does not have seating unless you purchased the VIP balcony section. I was too cheap to do that when I bought our tickets months ago, thinking the balcony at the Truman would give terrible views. I know different now and was told that “we are grownups and can afford the slightly more expensive seat.” I had terrible views from the floor area, but this did not keep me from nonstop dancing for an hour and half. At one point Michael brought me a cup of water and suggested I drink it all. I thanked him for that when we left the venue and started our walk back to where we parked. He said with a little bit of awe in his voice “You didn’t stop moving the entire time.”

I can’t help it. Music just makes me move my body.

Wednesday evening, I met (Nurse) Jenn for dinner. She told me about her full dance card and the number of times she had been asked by others to reschedule our date. She had held firm, refusing to reschedule our time together. It’s the dumbest thing. I can literally walk to her house, but finding time on our schedules for each others requires the moon and stars to be in a very specific alignment pattern. I had also considered the possibility of rescheduling our date for a couple of reasons, but stayed committed. Jenn told me that even though all of these other things were going on, I am one of the few people in her life who “fills her cup.” And by this point, she really needed a refill. I can say the same is true for her. Jenn is really good at getting me to talk about things that I usually leave floating around inside my head. Our time together is equal parts listening and sharing. She thinks I’m amazing and is very vocal about it. I think she’s the cool girl I have always been trying to impress, but I also think she’s spectacular.

So here we are on Friday and I have to say that I’m exhausted. I’m looking forward to a weekend of more leisure than adventure. Our biggest adventure will be swapping vehicles around oil change appointments while getting the Cabbage to piano lessons. The fox, chicken, bag of feed and one row boat riddle is practice for living life. But while my body is tired, I am entering the weekend with a full heart. I am grateful for full dance cards and most especially grateful for spending time with someone who fills my heart.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I did not know Amani or Sarah until last year. I didn’t know Erica or Jenn who live in my neighborhood, until last year. There is a really long list of people that I could write down here that I didn’t know or love until last year. Tavia and Xander. Abbi and Lucas. Roze. Rose (who did an amazing drawing of my singing bowl experience). Dee! Man, that woman will inspire you to get on the hiking trail. Jess and Jade, our lifeguards. Michelle or camp photographer. I’m afraid to continue listing names because I know I will leave someone out. We all met each other at Camp Wildling. One of my concerns about moving to KCMO was making new friends. How do you make new friends after the age of 30 particularly if you do not have children? There are 491,158 people living in this city. How do find the ones who get you and love you for being you?

You go to camp.

At opening ceremony for Camp Wildling, everyone is invited to place something on the alter we set up in the shala and you are encouraged to say a few words about the item. Things placed here represent what you hope to get out of camp or what you’d like to leave behind at camp. People place pictures, rocks, charms. All kinds of things. This year I placed the print that I had written a note on for Granny. I said that the picture represents two things. One is to never hesitate to send the note, to reach out and connect. The other thing the picture represents is the connections and relationships that can be formed at camp. I attended many different summer camps as a young person and I always made new friends. We would all end up being pen pals for a while, but eventually the connections would fade out. Remember your tween self for a moment, living in the age before internet and cell phones and imagine maintaining long distance friendships. Even with technology, it takes effort.

It’s worth the effort. More than worth it.

The friendships I have made through Camp Wildling are important to me. Not just because I have collected some really great people into my life, but because it helps me maintain and foster old friendships. When I send a message to Tania telling her how awesome she is and that plant she pointed out completely stopped my bug bite from itching, I am reminded to also send a message to Steph to ask about her trip to Mexico. There is a song we used to sing at 4-H summer camp. It is a simple one line song that we would sing in a round. It was usually the last campfire song of camp. It is my first lesson on the importance of connections and relationship.

Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold.

It is not lost on me how fortunate I am to have such a group of fantastic people in my life or how important is to keep them in my life. Both the silver and the gold.

TIME TRAVELLING

A few weeks ago, I received a text from Steph about Cati’s graduation and how they would love for me to be there. My first instinct was to say no. I had plans the weekend of graduation. I didn’t feel up to driving all that way. Then I shook it off and gave myself a lecture about making an effort for those you care about. I easily rearranged my weekend plans, packed a bag and headed south. And though the drive was long and tedious, it was worth it. I was there to watch our not so little Catidid walk across the stage and take pictures of her with her family. The smile on this young woman’s face told me everything I needed to know about her future. She was so thrilled to be graduating and is so excited about college. She is focused and driven and inspiring.

Steph’s home was filled up with her in-laws and so I stayed at Steph’s parents’ house just down the road. Jenny and Mike have always referred to me as their second child and they were so happy to have me staying with them. When Steph and I were discussing my sleeping arrangements, we joked and said that maybe Steph should come stay at least one night. We’d have a sleepover like the old days when we’d pull all the couch cushions off of the couch and make a bed on the floor. In some ways, it really did feel like I had travelled back in time. I watched Cati and her best friend, Emma, hugging each other and I remembered Steph and I at that age. Cati and Emma have been inseparable since elementary school, maybe even longer. Their friendship story mirrors mine and Steph’s in so many ways, with the two of them headed off to different colleges in the Fall.

Late on my last evening, I was sitting up talking with Jenny. She said she had been trying to write something in her card for Cati, but was having a hard time coming up with the words. I laughed and told her that I had had the same problem. I had plans of writing a lengthy note of encouragement and wisdom but all I could come up with was a couple of sentences about how proud I am of her. I told Jenny that I didn’t have any words of wisdom to impart, that despite all I have done and been through, I still don’t really feel like an adult. Jenny surprised me saying that she felt the same way. “Sometimes I feel like I’m eighteen years old.” she said. This seemed oddly reassuring to me. It almost takes away my definition of adult.

I am a teenager who sometimes does adult things.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When Chris and I moved to Kansas City, Heather was one of the first people we met. Well, I met Heather first through work, but she pulled Chris and I into her orbit pretty quick. Over Christmas, we took the Cabbage with us to Terry’s house for a gathering and at one point the Cabbage asked me “How do you know these people?!?” I looked up at the scene taking place in front of me. Heather, JP and Terry were in the middle of a seriously ridiculous conversation. Billy was stealing cheese cubes off the table. Greg found his way into Heather and Terry’s conversation. Dean was snuggling with Melvin, Terry’s newest rescue pup. All around us, the room rippled with chatter, love and laughter. “Heather introduced me to Terry and Greg. Terry introduced me to the rest of this gang. And all of these people are the very best people in Kansas City that you will ever know.” I replied to the Cabbage.

That is no lie.

Heather is the reason I know Terry and Greg and JP. Heather is the reason I have friends in Kansas City. You just reach a certain age where making new friends and keeping connected with new friendships is difficult, but that hasn’t been the case where Heather is concerned. Soon after we met, Heather took a new job that had her moving out to California. She was not here physically when Chris passed away, but she was with me virtually as I sat in the middle of our bed waiting for hospice to take Chris’s body away. She chatted me through the moment, reminding me that I was not as alone as it might seem. Over the years, there have been many many many texts and visits. Heather moved from California to Colorado to Wisconsin and Michael and I both have visited her in two of those locations. Crabinsgiving was a Heather production that brought Michael and I and Michelle (another beautiful human introduced to us by Heather) and new friends, Maria and Mateo and Heather to a cabin in the Point Reyes National Seashore. We ate lots of shellfish and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Heather is currently between gigs and is living temporarily in one of her rental properties here in Kansas City. She’s living in the best one because it is the house closest to ours and we can walk to each other’s house. We’ve been going back and forth between houses for weeks now. At least once a week, I am at Heather’s for pilates because she’s doing teacher training and I’m her guinea pig. My back went sideways last week and I’ve been in pain ever since, but after class last night with Heather, I actually felt human again. Then she filled me with Indian style chickpeas and rice before sending me home with enough leftovers for lunch the next day.

I am not happy for the whys of Heather’s recent stint in the metro, but I am grateful for this time we are getting to have together. My plan is to soak it up until her next big move. Then I’ll live vicariously through her adventures in a new place until I can go visit. More than anything, I hope that I have been as supportive of her in this down time as she has always been of me. Michael and I have definitely filled her up with food and wine on many an evening. Food is our love language. On top of all of the support, I hope that she knows how grateful I am to have her around because her presence is good for me. She is unstructured where I am all structured and the combination of these two traits balances me.

Michael once said something to me about the people I know, something about their quirkiness. I replied “I collect interesting people.” It’s a nice collection to have.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One

6 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "One"

I've had to shift my own yoga practice around since I've started teaching yoga again. Instead of attending the evening yoga class on Wednesdays, I am now going to the noon yoga class. Not a big deal, it's just that the teachers are different between the two classes. Again, not a big deal because I'm super fortunate to have access to some awesome teachers. The lunch time yoga teacher is wonderful and funny. She seems to share my philosophy on yoga and how it should be a joyful practice. The down side is that I don't get to see Shannon, the evening yoga teacher as much as I used to. Shannon is the first yoga teacher I met when we moved here and I have been attending her Wednesday evening classes on and off for over five years. In that time, she encouraged me to volunteer at a private high school for underprivileged teens, seen me struggle with grief, and she nudged me back into teaching. We have both learned knew techniques in teaching from each other and I never in a million years would have done a yoga workshop without her insistence and support. You should read the letter of recommendation she wrote for me when I applied to teach at the Y. It says the most amazing and kind things about me and she wrote them with such sincerity that the Y believed her.

Scheduling has made it so our paths don't cross too often anymore and it had been some time since I had seen her face. So, I sent her a text asking her to meet me for lunch because I missed her face. We met for lunch yesterday at Eden Alley, a vegetarian/vegan restaurant that I love but hardly ever get to go to. Then afterwards, we went for a nice long walk outside. We talked about everything from relationships to yoga schedules to how to make the world a better place through yoga. It was so good and so easy. It would be a no brainer to say that I am grateful to have a friend like Shannon, but what I am really grateful for is the time we took for each other yesterday. It is really easy for me to let things (people) slide away. I'm not usually the one to instigate meetings and events. I guess, in a very passive aggressive way, I tend to assume that everyone has more important things to do than meet me for lunch.

I am thankful I took the initiative to cultivate this friendship. It also reminds me how difficult it is to make friends after you've reached a certain age. It is easy with busy work schedules and maintaining old relationships to not notice the need for new friendships until you move to a new state and a new town where you don't know anyone. Yesterday's lunch reminds me that I need to reach out and cultivate new friendships. Cultivating friendships is not my strong suit. I feel like I do a poor job of cultivating current relationships. It is a weakness I recognize and I want to work on this. Since I'm about to turn my garden into a patio, I need to grow something. It might as well be friends.  

I am thankful for my one day of scooter riding this week. I am thankful for beets and beats. I am thankful for my twenty minutes of meditation in the mornings. I am thankful for simple pleasures. I am thankful for you.