THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunday

6 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Sunday"

I have spent most of this week on the couch. Michael brought home some kind of virus from school and it has had me down for the count. I went to work on the third day and my supervisor sent me home. He sticks with that rule they use for kids now, something about fevers and twenty four hours. I used that time to delete hard drives of old MacBooks (yes, that's MacBooks plural) that I need to take in to be recycled. I started with Chris's computer and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most of all the pictures had already been uploaded to clouds or where ever we send our files to be stored these days. Now all that's left is to take them into the Mac store. I was also home when they came and picked up our Bagster. It was very satisfying to watch a big crane pick up our big bag of garbage. 

I am back at work today and on the mend. I have been fever free for twenty four hours, though my supervisor did say that he was going to count the number of times I coughed today. It may seem really difficult to find gratitude in a week such as this one, but I am surprised to find that is is not. I am very fortunate. I have good health insurance and a decent amount of sick leave. I have a supervisor who would rather have me at home than in the office spreading my yuck virus. This is not the norm for many Americans. And it should be. I have never understood how some companies just cannot see the benefit in keeping their employees healthy. I still do not understand a government who doesn't insist on keeping it's citizens healthy. Today, I called my senator to beg him to not vote for the latest health care reform bill. I did this because I am grateful for my health care and others should be able to same the same. 

Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. Proverbs 14:31

Call your senators today. Here's a link with a whole list of senators from every state. Health Care should be a basic right for every American. No one should ever have to choose between putting food on the table for their family or seeking health care that will prevent serious health issues. The new reform bill will increase the cost of reproductive health care for women. Reproductive health is more than just having babies. Tests and exams, such as mammograms and pap smears, are vital for detecting cancer and are all related to reproductive health. In fact, reproductive health are two very simple words for a very complex part of female anatomy, as every woman knows. Ovarian cysts. Sexually transmitted diseases. Pre-natal and post-natal care. These things fall under the category for reproductive health. Ask your senator why reproductive health care costs are not being increased for men.

I am grateful for my health. I am grateful for a voice that I can raise up against injustice. I am grateful for those who believe that Universal Health Care is a basic human right. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Gerber

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Gerber"

Last weekend, I did three things that I haven't done in long time. The first thing was to take the nail polish off my toenails and leave my toenails bare. I know I've posted here before about how neglectful I can be to my toes. I still have a scar on my wrist from that time in yoga class when I sliced my wrist open with my big toe while hopping forward to forward fold (my mat has seen it all; blood, sweat and tears). Last Friday night, because I know how to p-har-tay, I gave myself a pedicure and when I had finished the trimming and filing, I opted to not repaint my toenails. It seems a little odd to see my toes without a bright shade of blue or purple attached to them, yet totally normal and natural. I like it. 

The second thing I did that I haven't done in many weeks was to write in my Fortune Cookie Journal. It seems that I only write in that journal on Saturday mornings when I go to Heirloom and sit alone at the counter. We've had other obligations recently that has kept me from that morning routine. Saturday morning, I sat down in my usual spot and opened my journal to the first free Fortune Cookie prompt. I tapped my pen on the counter, took a sip of coffee and then looked off at nothing in particular while thinking about how to even start the first sentence. My biscuit sandwich arrived just as I was really getting going and very soon the words wrapped around and around the page, filling all of the white spaces of the page. I can't tell you how often I am surprised that I run out of space or I have that much to write for one sentence. I can't tell you how often I get frustrated when I run out of space and sit there stammering to myself "but, but, but..." I can't tell you how good this makes me feel.

The third thing I did that I haven't done in really long time was to buy a bouquet of fresh flowers. This is something I haven't done in ages. I stopped buying flowers after the first time we thought we might buy a house as way to sort of cut back on spending. It was $4 a week that was unnecessary, and is still $4 a week that I should not be spending. Michael has a new pay schedule and budgeting around that is eating my lunch. I thought I had cracked the code of the new budget with his last paycheck. Turns out, I would make a terrible decoder. Last Saturday morning I walked into Trader Joes and the first thing I saw was the flower display. I had started turning towards the sunflowers when the Gerber's caught my eye. I reached for the bouquet and said to myself "you deserve this." Then I decided that flowers were a necessity because of joy. This made me happy.  

Today, I am thankful for bare toenails, Fortune Cookie tales, and $4 flower bouquets. I am thankful for doing some things that I haven't done in a while. I am thankful for the simple things that have brought me joy this week, like the arrival of our giant Wast Management bag. I'm going to throw so much crap away this weekend. It makes me giddy. 

I am thankful for you.

IDEAS AND STORIES AND GRATITUDE

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * Sep 7, 2017 at 4:11pm UTC

6 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram

I read something recently that inspired me to start writing a story about a girl and a horse. It is a story about things that I don't know. Write what you know. Except I'm writing about the opposite. I mean, I know what it is like to be a girl who wants a horse, but I don't really know anything about horses or horse farms or history. But I am writing it. I am writing this story just like I have started writing all of the others. I will wright until I reach a spot where I stop and then it will get set aside and never finished, but the intention to go back and work on it is there. This story, like all of the others, is a story that I want to finish. Of course, I want to finish them all, but right now, in this moment, I want to finish this story about a girl and a horse. 

I find myself in a spot where I want to do a lot of things. Cleaning out all the garbage in the house. Making a yoga video series. Writing writing writing. Taking some pictures. Making some money for Christmas presents by selling those pictures. Setting up a shop or something. Something. Take a nap and hang out in the hammock. Harvest more purple hulled peas. There is a lot on my list. I want to move forward with all of it, yet there's something keeping me rooted in one spot. I have become Chris. In so many ways. I have lists. I have unfinished bits of writing. I threw a fit about the trailer for the New Justice League movie and how the industry has just ruined so many of the comics I read as a kid. I am this close to putting unopened mail into manilla envelopes and labelling them with the days of the week. 

I made an appointment to meet with a therapist and immediately regretted it. She used the words 'psycho analysis' and that's what caused me to pause. I don't need to be psycho analyzed. I'm not crazy crazy. I just feel a little bit numb on the insides. Insignificant. Hollow. Full of doubt. Maybe even lonely? Lacking in vocal communication skills. I am not a danger to myself or others (not intentionally). The words 'psycho analysis' suggests to me that there is something seriously wrong with me. Like my brain is really truly cracked. I don't need to be analyzed. I just need to talk to someone who's feelings are not going to hurt by what I have to say. I just need to talk to a person who will listen without interruptions and who will listen with some empathy. Then maybe that person could give me some advice on how to communicate effectively with words.

I wanted to cancel the appointment or maybe just not show up; though just not showing up is not my style. I told Dr. M. all of this when I sat down in her office. She told me that I was the boss here and that this could be my first and last session if that is what I wanted. I told her some of my story and how I feel like I have lost the ability to verbally communicate effectively. There were tears, something that hasn't happened in a while and an act that usually makes me feel shameful or pathetic. I let them come easily this time and I didn't get mad at myself for it. She had me read a passage from The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion. The passage discussed a section of one of Dr. Freud's papers on grief in which he says that grief is an illness. It when on to mention another prominent psychologist who felt that grief required treatment just like any other mental illness. My pride has not allowed me to think of myself as being sick. The idea that grief is an illness was not an easy concept for me to accept. It did give me some things to think about. I scheduled another appointment with her for next week. 

Lately, I find myself waking up periodically in the middle of the night. I sleep pretty well from about 9:30 to 11:30. Then I wake up because the dog has made a noise or the cat. I have to get up and use the bathroom. On average, I'd say I get up out of bed at least two times a night. Last night I slept straight through until my alarm went off. For the first time in a long time, I pulled myself out of bed this morning without the urge to flop right back down into it. I remember how I had such a hard time navigating in Portland because of their two norths, a true North and a magnetic North. During my second visit to the city, I got it all figured out. I just had to learn a new way to navigate. That is what I am doing now. My north has shifted and I am just starting to learn how to navigate it all after realizing that I can't do it in the same way as before. 

So...this week, I am thankful for moments of vulnerability. I am thankful to be learning new ways to navigate. I am thankful for a good nights sleep. I am super for grateful for that moment at work when ABBA's Dancing Queen started playing in my playlist. 

I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Hopper

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Hopper"

I know that I have not talked much at all about our garden this year. I created the kind of garden that could get neglected and I have seriously neglected it all summer. We went through the lettuce and arugula early in the season. I've been eating on the kale that's starting to peter out. We've just now started to get tomatoes from our tomato plants and most of those are still green. The other boxes were devoted to purple hulled peas. We've already had one harvest of peas, enough to have a whole meal with stewed tomatoes. For weeks I've looked at the vegetable garden and noticed that there was another harvest of peas coming but I've been to lazy to fight with the mosquitoes and ants for the peas. 

Tuesday evening, I came home to an evening on my own. After eating a doctored Trader Joe's frozen pizza and sharing my crust with the dog, I pulled on my garden gloves and got out the weed eater. I managed to cut down one and half weeds when the line ran out. I swore and then got out the extra weed eater line and some scissors. The line was replaced in a short few minutes and I was back at it, fighting the weeds around the outside of the house and then inside the garden. I pulled up the over grown arugula, found three red Roma tomatoes (from plants that sprouted up from last year) and two bell peppers. I harvested the last of the kale and then started collecting purple hulled peas. By the time I was done, my arms itched with bug bites and my nose was running from allergies. After a quick shower, I spent the next half hour or so shelling purple hulled peas. 

I can remember sitting on the tailgate of my Dad's blue pickup and shelling purple hulled peas until the tips of my fingers were purple and tender to the touch. In fact, for some reason or another, that tailgate was the spot for all of the garden harvesting chores from snapping green beans to shucking the corn. My Dad's blue pickup takes up a lot of space in my folder of childhood memories. I can still feel the bare skin of my sister's leg pressed against mine as the four of us (Dad, Mom, me and Janelle) sat in the cab traveling to our next camping adventure. I remember the time that truck broke down while we were visiting the Puye Cliff Dwellings in New Mexico. Janell and I ran around the ruins at the top of the bluff while Dad tried to figure out a way to fix the truck. The truck looked so tiny from our vantage point of standing on the ruins. As the day wore on, I remember sitting inside the home of the guide/caretaker while we waited on Dad to get back with a part to repair the truck. The guide was a Native American and his home was filled with traditional Native American pieces. He had a row of carved animals sitting on a table. His hair was long and he wore a park ranger uniform. I remember being little in that truck. 

It's funny how some things trigger a memory and the more you think about it, the more vivid the details. When I finished shelling this latest harvest of peas, my fingers were purple and tender just as they were those many many summers ago. I am thankful for that tender feeling in the tips of my fingers and I am thankful for that purple stain of my skin. I am thankful for the memories that those things triggered. I am thankful for the harvest from our little neglected garden. We have probably two more rounds of purple hulled peas coming. The tomatoes that are now so green will eventually ripen even if we have to line the windowsills with them to get them to do so. These are good things to be thankful for this week. 

I am fortunate.

My tithe this week has gone to the Holy Spirit Episcopal Church in Houston and the American Red Cross.  Please give if you feel so inclined. You can also buy something from the Hurricane Relief Amazon Wish list. When you start the checkout process, you'll see a listing for Merritt Law Firm LLC Gift Registry address. That's the address you'll select for shipping. I just sent a large package of baby soap. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Home decor

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Home decor"

I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss the lab results from some tests I had done a couple of weeks ago. I was a little bit nervous about this because the blood draw and urine sample seemed excessive, but they were just being thorough. Turns out, everything is just fine. Cholesterol is steadily declining. I am back to the weight I was the last time I was in. Sugar levels are excellent. My doctor is happy with my diet and my exercise routine. He did think that I should update my tetanus shot. The new tetanus vaccine last ten years now and covers whopping cough. I tried to negotiate against getting it. My doctor is pretty great and told me that I didn't have to do anything, but he did it in the same tone of voice my childhood doctor would use when I tried to get out getting a shot. So...I got the tetanus shot.

I have had a few things recently that has made me anxious. I was worried about my lab results. I was worried about paying some bills. I had to present a poster on some research I have been doing at a work retreat. I was stressed about that. So this week I am thankful that all of those things making me anxious have been solved this week. Lab results were good. Poster presentation was a success. Payday came before the checking account fell into the negative numbers. I am also reminded of the consequences of worrying about things I cannot control. Sure, I can take care of my body and eat right. I can prepare for a presentation. I can minimize spending. I cannot control my genetics. I cannot control people's reaction to my work and, unfortunately, I cannot just make money appear out of thin air. That would be a nice trick though.  

I am also very thankful for the time I got to spend with Talaura and her family. I am thankful that I could show Talaura this new place I call home and that Sarge was comfortable in my home. Talaura's nephews and niece are hilarious teenagers. There was a moment during dinner on Sunday with all of them when one of them randomly shouted out something so funny that I nearly sprayed my drink all over my dinner plate. I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. I am thankful for that time. My prayer of thanks for this week is a simple one. Gratitude for well spent time with loved ones. Gratitude for good health. Gratitude for minor success stories. 

Gratitude for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL WHATEVER DAY

Eclipse

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Eclipse"

Yes, I usually reserve these posts for Friday, but Talaura and Sarge get here TODAY! We have a full day of sight seeing planned for Friday. I need to fill her full of BBQ and then we need to make sure she gets some National Park stamps on Saturday. Sunday, we drive up to meet her family in St. Joseph for Eclipse 2017 activities. We will be watching the eclipse at the Rosecrans Memorial Airport along with five thousand other people. We will witness totality and stars and I've already started getting emotional over the whole thing because Science! and WOW! So, needless to say, I have a lot of things to be thankful for this week. 

This was the first week of school for kids here and Michael's first week at a new school with new students. I am thankful that he seems to really really like the new place. At least he's excited about being there right now in this moment. I'll take it. I have a meeting scheduled next week with a new yoga studio that just opened up right down the street. I am thankful for the possibility of teaching yoga again. I went to the dentist today for a routine check up and my wonderful dentist went on and on about how great my teeth look. I left with a clean bill of toothy health. I am thankful for that toothy health. FLOSS EVERY DAY! I reached out and scheduled an appointment with a therapist because I have issues that I need to talk about with someone with an empathetic/sympathetic ear. It's probably something I should have done a long time ago, but I am thankful that I am doing it now. Actually, I already feel better just having set up the appointment. 

Mostly though? I am super thankful to have Talaura here for a few days. I want every thing to be super awesome and perfect while she's here. She always does a great job of showing me around New York when I visit, coming up with unique and off the beaten path places to explore. I want to do the same thing for her. I am thankful to be able to return the favor. 

So that's it. Peace out for a few days. DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN WITHOUT LEGIT ECLIPSE GLASSES ON! Even though all of the eclipse guides say to just watch and don't try to take pictures, I've bought a special lens filter and I'm going to try to take some pictures. If I find myself too much involved, I'll focus only on the eclipse. I promise. I will take a moment to have true gratitude for the moment. 

Happy Thankful Whatever Day!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

City life

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "City life"

Summer is winding down. The temperatures around here have been very reasonable. Kids head back to school in just a few days. Our house has shifted from the Monday thru Friday schedule with the Cabbage back to the every other weekend schedule. Michael is teaching at a new school that is a little bit further away than the old one. Our mornings have had to shift and change to accommodate for the length of time it takes for him to get there. Routines are changing and though I do not relish the shift in seasons (I am a tropical weather girl), I do appreciate the change in routine. 

Second Noble Truth: The origin of suffering is attachment. 

I can easily become attached to a routine. Set in my ways, is one way of putting it. A disruption or a change in my routine can certainly cause me suffering. Except I know now that it is the attachment that causes the suffering. Being attached to being set in my ways is the cause of suffering. I marvel at the number of times my stubbornness has served me so little or how my silent protests to change have gone unnoticed by those around me because no one hears my protests. Because it's silent. I need pointy arrows (for a number of reasons). Also..I've started rambling. Any hoo, change and shifts in routines is good for me and I am thankful for them. I have come to realize that I have become too attached to my current routine and that I have taken a long enough hiatus from teaching yoga. It is time to throw a new yoga resume together, toss it around and see where it sticks. 

It is time to be less set in my ways. Less attached.

I am thankful for our new TV off at 8:30 rule because I end up reading a whole lot more. This is an activity I used to do more of. I used to devour books. I want to fall back into the habit of devouring books. I am thankful for the lady who did my blood draw this morning. She didn't hit the mark at first, but didn't dig around too much trying to find it. She got it on her third gentle shift over. I am really thankful for the breakfast I got to eat after it all because I was HUNGRY. I am thankful for the 80% chance that it will not rain today. I am thankful for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Shake Shack!!!! #Boston #shakeshack

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Shake Shack!!!! #Boston #shakeshack"

Last night I had a dream that I was over at Terry's. Every one was there and Terry's house had shrunk to the size of a studio apartment. It was crazy which isn't really all that unusual. In fact I think that all the things that occurred in my dream are things that seem totally natural for an evening at Terry's. We were celebrating Bradley's birthday. Bradley had made tacos, but by the time I got there, most of the tacos were gone. I decided to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with two pieces of a fresh loaf of gluten free bread, also made by Bradley. I pulled out the jelly from Terry's fridge and then I had to climb over a bunch of people to retrieve the peanut butter from the living room. I don't think Terry would keep his peanut butter in his living room in real life, but maybe.

I made it back to the kitchen with the peanut butter and set it on the counter. Then I got distracted because someone was asking me a question. When I turned back around, Luke was just finishing up making my peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me. I told him thank you and he didn't have to do that. He responded with a shrug. Then I looked at the sandwich and noticed that the jelly was green. I said "Oh...I was hoping for a berry flavored jelly, but apple is fine. Wait. Is that relish?" Luke looked at the sandwich and said "No...wait. I think that's relish. Oh my God! I put pickle relish on your peanut butter and jelly sandwich!" Then we laughed and laughed. And I woke up. 

It was a pretty hilarious dream. In fact, I woke up laughing and when I think about it, that look on Luke's face when he realized what he'd done, I start to giggle. Also, the absurdity of a pickle relish and peanut butter sandwich is the best ridiculous thing since Talaura's bread sandwich. The comedy in my life seems to center around sandwiches. Today I am thankful for absurdities. From Chris's hot dog straws to Talaura's bread sandwich. Talaura has these two pictures of her in Sarge. One is serious and the other one looks like they're both laughing. When she shows them to you in order and says "look! Sarge is telling me a joke!" it is ridiculous and hilarious. Todd, do you remember Chris's Schindler's bit about just eating one more shrimp? We laughed until we cried over this. The other day, Michael asked Alexa to pay him a compliment but then she announced that she didn't have that skill. When I asked her and told her to install that skill, She told me something about how I'm good at facts or something. Immediately after this, Michael asked Alexa again to pay him a compliment and she said "Ummm. I'm not sure about that." The Cabbage and I busted out laughing. 

I am thankful for those absurd and ridiculous and hilarious moments.

Maybe I should host a sandwich party. 

I am thankful for a text from Amy telling me a story about C-Rip and how C-Rip was talking about visiting me in Kansas City. That she was going to ride with me on my scooter. She'd bring her own helmet. It was the sweetest thing and it came to me on a particularly difficult day when I was fighting demons. I am thankful for the staycation I took yesterday. I finished my library book. I am thankful for the promise of a lazy weekend. I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Drip

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Drip"

Michael and The Cabbage got a pool membership for the summer. When they get home, Michael takes their towels and wet swimsuits and hangs them out on the line. That is usually where they stay until the next trip to the pool. I've noticed recently that leaving the towels and swimsuits on the line triggers the rain clouds to drop buckets of water some time around day three of being on the close line. The phenomenon of things left on the clothes line causing rain is becoming almost more accurate than the actual weatherman. These are things that I should pay more attention to, because I left the house Wednesday morning on the scooter. Sure, I noticed that the sky was overcast, but I did glance at my weather app that said there was only a 20% of rain. So really that should mean that there was an 80% chance that is would NOT rain. 

It started raining around lunch time. I was not concerned. I have seen this so many times. The clouds build up, drops a bunch of rain and then clears off well before it is time for me to head home for the day. Except, this time it didn't. There was still a steady rain coming down when I walked over to the gym for yoga class around five. It continued to rain all during class. Then, just as class was over, the rain subsided to a sprinkle. I barely felt a drop as I scooted home. The rain picked up again right after I parked the scooter in the garage. Michael just shook his head at my luck. I just grinned and said "I'm a ninja!" That, and I just have good timing. I am thankful for that brief pause of the rain so that I could scooter home without getting soaked. 

I am also really thankful for this rain, even though it has caused serious flash flooding in the KCMO area. It has been so hot here. Hot enough for me to notice that it is HOT. Usually I roll my eyes the people complaining about 95 degree temps, but this summer we have seen our fair share of a hundred degrees. Throw in high humidity and you would think we had moved to Costa Rica. Terry gave me some of his banana plants from his back yard. When I finally got around to planting them, they looked pretty dead. Now they're thriving. The banana plants are loving this weather. The rain that came through last night though, cooled every thing down to a balmy 85 degrees. I am thankful for the break in the heat.

What else? 

I am thankful for fans. The wind blowing kind. I am thankful for routines. I am thankful for my yoga mat and the time spent on it this week. I am thankful for pizza topped with arugula. I am thankful for you. Happy weekend to all. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Crinkled heart

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Crinkled heart"

Someone asked me recently how long I have been practicing yoga. I had to stop and do some math. I went to my first yoga class when I was in graduate school, near the end of 1998. We had purchased a gym membership and the yoga class was one of the class offerings, along with kickboxing. I started going to the kickboxing classes first and then decided to give the yoga class a try. And I hated it. That first class was ridiculous. I didn't know anything about form or proper alignment. I didn't know any of the poses. I didn't feel like I had the strength or flexibility to do more than half of the poses. I thought was going to hyperventilate from trying to breath in unison with the teacher. There was no sitting in lotus. It was a full on vinyasa flow class. I hated every minute of it. 

That first class made me feel inadequate in so many ways. Mostly I was disappointed because I had assumed that yoga was something that I would have really liked. I have never been the sporty type. You might remember the times I attempted softball and both years ended up with a giant fat lip from getting hit in the face with a softball? I was really good at pulling flags off of belts in flag football, but I think that was just a fluke. I did like kickboxing. There was something very thrilling about kicking that bag hard enough to move it across the floor. Kickboxing made me more aggressive and when that class got a new teacher, it shifted from form and technique to preppy jazzercise while kicking a bag. I wasn't into it any more. That's usually what happens with me and exercise fads. But YOGA?! Yoga should have had my name written all over it. So.. I went back and I continued to go back to this class. I didn't love it, but I started to get it. Of course, knowing what I know now, I would have never started out in an all-levels-gym yoga class. I will tell any one who wants to start doing yoga to start in a beginning basics class. A beginning basic yoga class teaches you how to build a strong foundation for the yoga poses and how to move between poses with ease and mindfulness. You learn the easy way how to do chaturanga. 

My yoga practice today is soooo different from those early days of yoga. Almost twenty years of continuously getting on my mat almost daily and I still struggle with arm balances. I use a wall as a prop in headstand and my feet don't come up over my head in full salabhasana. There are poses that I struggle with often, but I have found joy and beauty in my practice. I love my yoga practice. This is something I can truly be thankful for. I am grateful for this body that has allowed me to continue my yoga practice. I have considered celebrating my twenty year yogaversary next year. Maybe I'll replace my yoga mat that now has well worn grooves from my hands and feet pressing into it daily. I'd really like to go on a yoga retreat. Talaura suggested Thailand. I could do a yoga retreat in Thailand. I've always wanted to do a surfing/ yoga retreat. Maybe that's what I'll do. I would need to start saving my pennies now though. Any way, celebrating twenty years of a yoga practice just seems like a really nice idea. 

I am thankful for a bountiful harvest of purple-hulled peas from our garden. I am thankful for the sudden rain shower that cooled things off for about ten minutes. I am thankful for a clean puppy dog. I am thankful for the bowl full of eggs sitting next to our kitchen sink. I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today we left Chris in this baby T-Rex.

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Today we left Chris in this baby T-Rex."

My friend, Heather from Oklahoma, was passing through my area one evening this week and we were able to meet for dinner. It was really good to see her face and get caught up on her life. She and her husband Scott had just had their first child right before Chris and I moved. One of the last things we did before leaving OKC was to go over to their house and smell their baby's head and give her an Ugly Doll. I can't believe that child is six years old now. Any way, we had a nice evening catching up and telling stories. All is well in their home and their life is full. Some where along the line the topic of Chris's ashes came up. Heather said that she had been meaning to ask me about them and how I had to be starting to run out of ashes. I told her about seeing an end to it all. 

The first time I opened Chris's coffee can to take out ashes, I thought that I would never reach a point where I would run out. It seemed as though I never made a dent in the amount of Chris's ashes left in that can. It was like a bottomless can of ashes. When I opened it to fill up a container for our last trip, the Abe Lincoln Tour, I felt the spoon hit the bottom of the coffee can. It sort of jarred me. I paused in my task because it suddenly felt like this thing that I do with Chris's ashes was really something finite. There is going to be a day when I run out of ashes and I have mixed feelings about this. I am thankful, though, for the knowledge that one day I will not be posting about the places where I have left Chris. I am thankful that it is just a chapter in my life and that one day I will go on vacation without researching interesting places to leave his ashes. I just keep thinking about that moment in Up when Carl realizes that Ellie's memory book doesn't end with her dream of seeing Paradise Falls. It is a bitter sweet kind of gratitude. Relief to have completed this drawn out memorial and a sadness over to be finally done with it all.

I do still have doubts about my decision for what I do with Chris's ashes. I can imagine running into him in the afterlife and him saying "What the fuck? You've scattered me all over the damn place. This is what you decided to do with me?!?" I easily shrug those doubts aside because he never gave me any kind of answer for what he wanted. Also, there is a lot of humor involved in leaving Chris's ashes in different places. I know he would find the whole thing hilarious. I'm thinking I need to plan something big for that last bit of ashes. Thailand or outer space or maybe that's the Appalachian trail trip. I don't know. I am thankful that I don't look back and think about the things we didn't get a chance to do together, but all of the things we did get to do. These new adventures for me are honoring Chris and his views on life. I am thankful for Michael who has and is 100% on board with all of this. In fact, he encourages me to bring extra ashes with us on trips in case there turns out to be more than one ideal spot for Chris. I am thankful he understands.

I am so, so grateful to have been able to spend time with Heather this week and meeting some her friends. I am thankful for the rain that has broken our heat wave. I am thankful for the purple hulled peas that are ready for harvesting in our garden. I am thankful for my yoga mat. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a super Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tank wars

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Gratitude. 

I just typed that word up there and left it all alone on the page for hours. Occasionally I would tab back over to this window and just stare at the word. I would say it over and over in my head, each time with a different accent or emphasizing one of the syllables. Mostly the 'tude' part. Some of you (those newish to this blog) may not know how my Thankful Friday posts came to be. It started many many years ago, just before the rise of happiness projects and self fulfillment. Chris and I had recently moved in with his mother and I was really unhappy with the situation. It felt like a step back or a failure, even though we were supposedly moving in to help her out after Chris's dad passed away. 

I was recently writing about this period of time for another project. During my reflection on this time, I thought about how truly awful I was then. My unhappiness with our living situation made me selfish and mean. I had never agreed to the move, but found myself packing up our things anyway. Once we were there, I didn't really feel welcome. We had lost our privacy and the comfort of our own space. This situation did not feel like a home. Chris and I argued about it and by the end of it I had agreed to try harder. I started with making a list. Every day I would write down things that I was thankful for that day. At the end of the week, I would copy that list into a blog entry. The lists were long and it reminded me that my life was pretty good. The gratitude lists helped me to find a way to make something good out of a crappy situation. I also found ways to not be there. I started teaching a whole lot of yoga during the years we lived with Chris's mom.  

Happiness gurus all agree that having a daily gratitude practice makes for a happier life. Has my gratitude practice made me a happier person? Yes and no. If it hasn't made me happier, it has at the very least made me more appreciative of this life in all it's moments. It has become a valuable tool for lifting the gray clouds that sometimes float around. It has become kind of like my yoga mat, the thing I always come back to. I have seen versions of myself and versions of a person I don't want to be and this practice of gratitude keeps me from being that person I don't want to be. Today, I am grateful for this practice that keeps me grounded. I am grateful for this practice that reminds me that I am blessed. 

I am thankful that there were no fireworks related injuries in our house this week. I am thankful for quiet moments. I am thankful for the busy moments I have had at work. I am thankful for dog snuggles. And I am thankful for you. Have a wonderful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Imaginary beasts

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Imaginary beasts"

The fireflies in the Mark Twain National Forest light up differently than those from our own backyard. We noticed this on our first evening in the forest. Our campground was located almost in the middle of one of the forest quadrants. After we had set up camp and eaten dinner, we took a stroll down to the lake/pond. Michael was hunting a good spot for us to lay down a blanket later for star gazing. I was trying to catch a glimpse of the bull frogs that I could hear at the edge of the pond. It was right at that perfect time of evening where the sun had just dropped down, but not far enough to make everything dark. We walked to a field on the other side of the pond, picked a spot for star gazing the next evening and then turned to head back. 

As we headed back towards the campground, we noticed the fireflies. They had just started lifting up from the forest floor to start their evening of hunting. Right away, I saw something different about these guys. Their flash of light was short, a blink really. It did not linger and slowely dissipate like the fireflies in our own backyard. These forest fireflies blinked like little camera flashes and they seemed to do so almost in unison with each other. We marveled at the diversity and the differences between 'city' fireflies and 'country' fireflies. The next night, we laid on a blanket in the field on the other side of the pond and looked at the stars. Occasionally we would think that we had spotted a satellite only to realize that we had spotted a firefly.  We did see a real satellite or two and Michael finally got a glimpse of the Milky Way, but it's the fireflies that impressed me the most. Always the biologist. 

I am thankful for our time away, traveling this country and for the things we saw. I am so grateful that part of that time included Chad, Jess and The Kid. At one point, Chad and I looked at each other and just started laughing for no reason in particular. The Kid looked at the two of us, shook his head and said "you guys are ridiculous." Which made us laugh harder. I am thankful for that woman with the truck who hauled all of us and our bikes back up the longest steepest hill, even if Chad had to pay her $20. I am just thankful that she was there and agreed to Chad's offer. Between that woman and twenty bucks, no one died that died. Mostly Chad. Chad wasn't murdered that day. I am thankful for ridiculous moments and easy bike rides. I am thankful for that moment when we came across a doe and her fawn. I am thankful for all the car tags we collected. We got fifty different car tags, some of those were Canadian. We were missing four American State tags by the time we made it home. 

I am thankful for fireflies.

I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * Jun 8, 2017 at 5:53pm UTC

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My desk at work is L shaped. The section that is just to my right holds a big monthly calendar, the kind you can write on and tear of the page as you move to the next month. This is where I jot down notes and reminders that I have scheduled to train this person at that time on this microscope. This month has a big line drawn through the sixteenth all the way through the twenty fourth. "Vacation!" is written boldly under that line and for the last two weeks I have found myself glancing longingly at those dates as if willing the sixteenth to be tomorrow. I am on count down mode.

Back when we first bought the camper, before we could even us it because of the weather, Michael and I talked about camping trips. Every time, he would say "Hey! Maybe so and so can go a long." or "Do you think so and so would want to meet us there?" I was beginning to think that Michael either did not want to go camping alone with me or was scared to go camping alone with me. Did he think I was a bore? Or did he think I would murder him in his sleep and dump his body in the woods? There is no financial value for me to do the later, so I must be boring. Then, during one of these discussions about camping I said "Can't we go some where just the two of us?" To my surprise, he happily agreed and asked me where I wanted to go. Thus began our planning of what I am calling our Lincoln Trip, even though it's only partly about Abraham Lincoln.

We're going to do a big loop that takes us up and over to Springfield, Il. There, we will visit the Lincoln Library and Museum and all things Abraham Lincoln. From there, we head over to Kentucky and the Mammoth Cave National Park. We will be about thirty minutes from Abraham Lincoln's birth place and five minutes from Mammoth Cave. I have made one concession to this being a just the two of us kind of trip. Chad, Jess and the Kid will meet us at Mammoth Cave. This was Michael's idea because he knows that I don't get see Chad but maybe once every two or three years. He also remembers the big old crocodile tears that rolled down my cheeks as we drove away from Chad and Jess during our last visit. Technically, it will still be just the two of us because they will be staying in a different location then where we will be camping. Bending rules. Michael and I will finish our trip loop in the Mark Twain National forest. Michael has never really seen the Milky Way. We'll be in the national forest on a night with no moon and we have big star gazing plans. 

I realize that I have a week of waiting before we head out on the Lincoln Loop of 2017, but I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this trip. The promise of time away and new adventures fills me with gratitude. The idea of sharing that time and those adventures with Michael, also fills me with gratitude. I am thankful that I will have a chance to laugh with Chad, sympathize with Jess and meet the Kid. Sometimes, it's just nice to step out of the current moment and allow yourself to think ahead. Just a little bit. Not years ahead or anything like that, but a few weeks can't hurt. I am grateful for the things ahead. 

Here's to a weekend of good things and a super happy and Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Up

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Up"

Weeks ago, I was sitting on the back step watching Josephine sniffing around the backyard. The sun had just dropped and evening was still. I noticed a faint blink of light floating around the back corner of the yard. The first firefly sighting of Summer. Or at least this is what I thought at the time. The weather turned almost Fall like with heavy rains after that first firefly sighting, making me think that the kind of Summers I am used to may not be happening this year. The temperatures are still very mild for this time of year. Yet despite the absence of warmth, the fireflies continue to dance across the backyard every evening. One firefly has turned into many fireflies. 

Michael calls them lightning bugs. He finds it interesting that I have always known them as fireflies while he knows them as lightening bugs. We hit several of them mid-glow on our way to Hannibal last Friday and marveled at the green fluorescent streak they left behind on the windshield. A superoxide anion, which is a form of molecular oxygen that contains an extra electron, reacts with an enzyme called luciferin to produce the greenish yellow glow of a firefly. You would think that knowing the science behind the glow would take some of the wonder and magic from seeing a firefly in action, but not for me. In fact, the knowledge of how it happens, makes the whole thing even more amazing. Mix together some luciferin with some ATP and a superoxide anion and Bam! you have a flash of light. Produced by a tiny beetle. 

Fireflies represent so many things for me. They are the harbingers of Summer. They make you want to believe in magical things and fairies. The thing about them that I am most grateful for though is how they spark curiosity. How do they do that? Why do they do that? These are questions I asked as a child. These are questions that inspired a young scientist. I am thankful for the inspiration fireflies have given me. Luciferin is used in labs today to help study protein-protein interaction in live cells, how cells signal one another, and to monitor cell growth. It has been an invaluable tool in basic scientific research. So...I'm pretty thankful for fireflies. They are a pretty good reason for supporting environmental protection. 

Climate change is a real thing that is happening to our planet. It is not about belief. It is a scientifically shown thing that it is happening. I'm not sure some people understand the full implications of how this is more than just temperatures. Crop failure has led to famine in places like Somalia, which has now become a breeding ground for terrorists. All they need is a bowl of rice to recruit a new member to their fold. Beaches that our US Army could use to deploy troops in times of crisis, no longer exist. In fact our US military stands to spend millions of dollars in repairs for docks and piers that are now under water due to rising water. Defense Secretary James Mattis has called climate change a national security threat. The United States has contributed more carbon dioxide to the atmosphere than any other country on the planet. Today I am grateful for every US governor who stood up and declared that they would continue to uphold the Paris Climate Change Agreement.  I am grateful that my governor is among those who are taking a stand.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * May 25, 2017 at 1:42pm UTC

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When I sit down to write these gratitude entries, my intention is to really reflect on my week and focus on the good things or the moments of clarity and insight that I have achieved. I also do it because I don't want to end up as one of those people who are so mired by the things that have gone wrong with their lives that they can't see the good in it. I know that seeing the good things takes practice and that as soon as you stop reminding yourself to find something good, you lose the ability to do so. Those moments when I open up a page to start a Thankful Friday post and end up staring blankly at the white empty space for longer than I would like, makes me panic a little. Then I start grasping at straws. "This mug! I am thankful for this mug!" "My right foot! Dear Gods, I am so thankful for my right foot!"

Don't get me wrong. I can be mighty thankful for a well made mug. Mom made a new mug on her pottery wheel recently that is the perfect roundness and weight. It cupped perfectly in my two hands. She's going to submit it as an entry in the fair (yes, people still submit things to the local, county, state fairs) or It would be cupped perfectly in my two hands right this minute. I am also thankful for my right foot because it doesn't hurt. My left foot on the other hand is on my list for just hurting for no particular reason other than to be a jerk. My left foot is a jerk. But grasping at straws like this always makes me laugh. I come up with the most ridiculous and simple things to be grateful for and then I start to giggle. This is how having a gratitude practice can bring joy to your life. 

This week I am thankful that my brother is going to be just fine. There was a health scare earlier this week, but everything is okay. I am thankful for my own agile body. That's hard to say when I still see a fat belly when I look down at myself. I am thankful for Josephine's new haircut. It makes her seem springier and slightly more hilarious. I am thankful for the sunshine that hit me in the face as I walked my outside loop to get coffee this morning. I am thankful that we are finally getting a chance to go camping this weekend, even if it is one of the most crowded camping weekends of the year. Let's kick it off together! We're headed to the birth place of Mark Twain. He's a national treasure, you know. So there's sure to be lots of stamp collecting. We'll be at a park right across from the mighty Mississippi and chances are I will be sporadically belting out "Old Man River" the whole weekend. 

Thank you to the people who serve this country in the military. This includes the families of those people because I know first hand the sacrifices the whole family makes when one member chooses this path. It's super hard, scary work. 

Be safe and have a wonderful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Hello

6 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Hello"

Michael has asked me on two different mornings this week if it was a scooter day. Both times I have answered "yes!" without even checking the weather. That's not true. I checked the weather by looking out the window. Skies were clear. That says 'scooter day' to me. The reality was that each day included a chance of severe weather or at least some rain. In fact, on Wednesday, we got a notice at work saying that we were under a tornado warning until 7 pm that evening. Michael can't ride his scooter on Wednesdays because those are evenings with the Cabbage. She's not quite tall enough to ride the scooter. Yet.

I got to work on Wednesday just before the rain hit. At one point during the day, the wind was ferocious and rain came down sideways. But by the time I left yoga class to head home, the sky had cleared. Michael opened the garage door for me when I got home that evening and said "I guess you managed to avoid the rain." I told him that I've become the Zen master of riding between raindrops. The Matrix on scooters. I am grateful that I did not get caught in the rain, but more than anything, I am grateful for the scooter rides. I am grateful to have thrown caution aside and just hopped on the scooter and gone. This has been the kind of week that has added hours to days in a way that was unproductive. I mean that those extra hours where not filled with good things that I wanted to be doing. There were several moments when I felt like just laying on the floor. Like that moment I realized that a very heartfelt, personal bit of writing I had been working on, didn't save. Those scooter rides, along with some yoga time, where moments of freedom from this week's little frustrations. 

Today I am driving to Oklahoma to see Thomas graduate from high school. Thomas is J's youngest boy and the most stoic of the two. I can think of a very small number of times when I have seen him laugh, truly laugh. He's a very serious young man, but my memories are immediately drawn to that time that he and his brother, JR, were riding in the backseat of our car. Chris was driving and all along the way, the three of them swapped Darth Vader fart jokes. They were ridiculous and dumb, but hilarious. The backseat was filled with raucous laughter. This is all I will be able to see in my head as I watch one of those young men walk across a stage and accept his diploma tomorrow. I am grateful to be gifted his moments of laughter. 

I am grateful for many things and I am always grateful for you. Here's to wonderful weekend and a blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Grey

5 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Grey"

I heard my mother telling the story of my birth to some poor soul at our party on Saturday. It is a story I have heard a number of times and I have heard multiple variations on the story. In this particular telling, Mom said that I would only sleep for five minutes at a time and I broke out into a rash every time the sun hit my delicate preemie baby skin. I think my parents liked telling people the story of my birth because of the three of us, mine was the most dramatic. There's alway lots of oohs and ahhhs when they disclose how much I weighed at birth. I can still see Dad holding out his hand, palm facing up, as he would tell about how my tiny body fit right there and point to his hand. Mom always mentions the beautiful bouquet of flowers that she received from a close friend who also happened to be our milkman. This time though, my mom said something I had never heard her say before. She said "They told us she probably wouldn't live."

In all the tellings of that story, it never once dawned on me that I was in any kind of danger other than just being born tiny. I did not suffer with lung issues or heart problems. I do have allergies, but not more so than any normal birth person would have. I am healthy and despite some broken bones and a tonsillectomy, I have always been healthy. So I never really thought much about my birth as more than a regular birth but just a little early. Like a month and half early. A study of 148 premature infants from 1966-75 that weighed 1000g or less found that 48 of those babies survived. That's less than a 50% survival rate. More like 32%. Not bad, but I can't imagine that hearing your doctor tell you that your baby has a 32% chance of living is all that reassuring. I've heard people say that your birth story plays a big role in defining the person you become. Je suis forte. I guess I just never really saw myself as that strong. Survivor strong. 

Did the Fates see my future and say to themselves "This girl better be strong or die now."? Probably not, but it makes a nice cartoon in my head. I can see Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos each holding my life thread, tugging it between them to see how far they can stretch it before it feels like it might snap. Maybe Clotho and Lachesis kept Atropos from snipping it with her scissors or they found the thread to be too strong to be snipped. It makes a nice visual and I am thankful that I ended up as one of the 32%. I am thankful to have a mother who is strong enough to survive a child like me. I am also thankful for the other women in my life who were part of the tribe who raised me. All of them played a hand in shaping the woman I am today.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Swoop

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This morning, as I passed the window that holds the view to the Kaufman Center and nature center, I noticed little ringlets of waves on the water on the pond. When I took more than a passing glance, I realized that the ringlets were made by the swallows dipping down to pluck a bug from the surface. The barn swallows have returned. The barn swallows are my favorite birds to watch. I could lay on a blanket in the grass all day, watching them swoop around through the air in search of bugs. They're like tiny kites or fighter planes, performing twist and turns. The barn swallows also signify summer or at least that summer is on it's way.

We've had weeks of yo-yo weather around here. Last week brought rain that stayed with us for days and days along with cooler temperatures. Yesterday the sun came out and it was actually pleasant. Not warm, but pleasant and it looks like it is going to stay for a while. I am thankful for this for a number of reasons. I'm ready to walk around barefoot without my toes freezing solid. I am ready for scooter and bicycle days. Michael and I are both ready for camping days. But right now, I am thankful for the nice weather because we will have friends and family gathering in our backyard for a small celebration. We've wrangled the wild honeysuckle along the fence line and cleaned out the fire pit. Michael mowed the yard last night and I have to say, our wild backyard looks like a lovely place to host our friends and family. Today, I am thankful for barn swallows and sunshine. I am thankful for a weekend full of being surrounded by those we love. 

What else? Jenese has been found! Jen missed her calling as a private investigator (Or did she? Jen Tucker, Private Eye has a nice ring) and tracked Jensese down. We have communicated through email and have marveled over how our stories of how we got to where we are now have overlapped in ways. I am thankful that we found Jensese, but I am even more thankful that we found her happy and blessed and loved. 

Here's to a weekend filled with laughter and love and a super Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Storm debris

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Storm debris"

Monday morning, I opened my email and noticed some suspicious activity. There were over a hundred emails responding to one that had been sent from my account. All of the emails were from people I didn't know and all of them were complaints about having no clue as to why they had received an email. I immediately went to my settings and changed my password. Then I went on my merry way thinking all was fine and dandy. Thursday morning I tried to log onto my gmail account and was told that my account had been disabled. Google had decided that I had in someway violated something and had disabled my email. I filed the form to recover my account and waited. And waited. And waited. I am still waiting. 

While I waited to hear some news about recovering my email account, I became painfully aware of how dependent I have become to this account. It is my main source of communication other than text. My gmail window sits open on my desktop all day. It is how Talaura and I send each other stupid stuff we find on the internet like that designer bag that costs over $2000 and looks just like an IKEA bag. I lost access to all of contacts including home addresses for those contacts. I also rely heavily on Google Drive and have many half written stories there that I have every intention of coming back to and finishing one day. I lost all access to my Google Drive documents. I guess this is the equivalent to a fire in one room of your house. I've lost everything from that room. 

I have created a new account and I'm slowly rebuilding and linking day to day business accounts to the new one. I've sent out a request for people to email me at the new address so I can rebuild my contact list. I've thought long and hard about some of those documents in my Drive account. So many of them were stories that I had started and gotten a good hold on, but then just stopped working on. Always with the idea that I would come back to it eventually. There's one story in particular that I have written so many words for, but I haven't touched in ages. That story had recently popped into my brain and lately I've been spending time dissecting and rewriting it in my head while marching on the treadmill. Though Michael has assured me that I will eventually get my email account back, I've let myself mourn the lost words as if they're gone for good. 

Today I am thankful for a clean slate. This is an opportunity to start fresh, write new words and to stop editing and rewriting old stories in my head. It is also a perfect opportunity to clean up my email account which had become so littered with promotions and junk from my contest entering days. My contact list was messy with duplicates. Now's my chance to really set up a clean and organized contact list. One day, if and when I get my old account back, I can easily link it to the new account or I can just leave it as a junk drawer for unwanted emails. The funniest thing about all of this has been the response of those of you who didn't know my legal name. My mother gave me that name (some great grandmother's name) and she doesn't even call me by it. 

Tomorrow is the AIDS Walk of Kansas City and thanks to Katrina, I reached my fundraising goal yesterday. I am so so so grateful for each and everyone of you who donates to my fundraising page every year. This year's tag line for the walk is "We will walk until there is a cure." Decreased funding to the NIH for valuable life saving research, ensures that we will be walking for cures for AIDS and so many other diseases that wreck havoc on the human body for a very very long time. So, thank you. Thank you for supporting me in this fight against AIDS.

We're set to have a soggy weekend (it always rains on AIDS Walk day) and it has started with a soggy Friday morning. Here's to a weekend of rain boots and umbrellas and a truly Thankful Friday.