THANKFUL FRIDAY

After today, there will be only one week left in this month and I’m feeling a little bit of panic. Whoa, Nelly. Hold your horses. The days are speeding by too fast. Did I mention that we now have a teenager? Yeah…the Cabbage turned thirteen this month and her parents look at them and want to smoosh their cheeks while saying “remember when you were our wittle baby?!?!?!” Not really. Well, maybe. Michael’s not that type, but who knows what happens at their mom’s.

I’m positive they have grandparents that do that.

Yesterday, I took a dance break for Earth Wind And Fire’s September because… tradition and then Misti pointed out in Instagram that it was also World Gratitude Day. So while I jived along, remembering the twenty first day, I thought about what I should write here for Thankful Friday. What am I grateful for right now in this moment? I am schedule for my very first colonoscopy on Monday, my first appointment with a dermatologist on Tuesday, and flu shot on Wednesday. That should wrap up all the doctor wellness stuff for the year with the exception of the COVID vaccine. I’m waiting until I return from a quick trip to Woods Hole in October because I have to schedule time for the vaccine and time for me to feel like a poopsicle after the vaccine. Every one of the boosters, starting with the second dose, have flattened me. Any way…next week will finish up most everything for the year and then next Saturday I’m going to go celebrate the up coming wedding of my friend Jenn by learning to dance on a stripper pole. Imagine Lucille Ball attempting to dance on a stripper pole. After next Saturday, some people will no longer have to image it.

In spite of a full calendar, I feel like I am accomplishing a lot of things. My yoga practice has been solid and consistent, more so this week than it has in ages. I’m making time for mindful eating and daily walks. I’m making time to for my health but also making time for rest.

Amani came through her hip replacement surgery on Monday like a professional and I got to facetime with her while she was super high. We giggled far too long over poop bridges. She’s home and already feeling amazingly better. Josephine got one of those gross cyst things that flared up overnight. The thing had ruptured and mostly drained before I could get her to the vet, so I just put vet approved antimicrobial gunk on her. She’s now mostly healed with only a tiny scab and no giant vet bill. Weeks ago I thought I’d fixed Valerie by replacing the spark plug, but then I rode her to work and she coughed and died at two different intersections. So I waited two weeks for our scooter guy to come by and take a look. In the meantime,I got impatient and did some more reading and investigating. I then fixed Valeria for real this time and I did it all by myself.

I tend to write a number of Thankful Friday posts about health. My health. Other’s health. Maybe all of those posts are the result of leftover trauma from when Chris was sick or I can’t go a year without hearing that so-and-so has cancer. Physical health has a fragile appearance. I have a friend from high school who’s job is basically to work out and be fit and even she posts about doctor visits for aches and pains. It just seems like feeling good is kind of a miracle these days. So yeah. I’m going to honor and be grateful for moments of good health as often as I can.

Sick things were healed this week. This makes me grateful.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael is on Spring Break this week and instead of the two of us going on a vacation, I became his driver for his first ever colonoscopy on Monday. This also meant that on Sunday, I could eat what ever I wanted because Michael was on a clear liquid diet. I made the most delicious pot of beans with kale. Michael looked over my shoulder while I stirred in the kale and said “You can have anything you want to eat and this is what you choose?!” He walked away in disgust, but I’m going to tell you that hands down, this was the best batch of beans I’ve ever cooked and because it was beans, I ended up eating it for lunch on two days.

I wasn’t mad about it.

When the nurses called me back to Michael in recovery, he was yelling “Lorraine”. I quickly discovered that Lorraine was his recovery nurse, except Michael didn’t seem to know this. When I told him about it later, he said “Who’s Lorraine?” Then I had to explain to him that Lorraine was his recovery nurse. Michael was slightly more alert when his seventeen year old doctor came in to tell us about the procedure, what they found, what to expect. They removed a few polyps, which was enough to make Michael a bit nervous. So when the pathology report came in on Wednesday with all good news, there was a bit of celebration. My back feels so much better this week, with only an occasional twinge. Michael received a clean bill of health. The cat is on the mend. Josephine, who’s only issue has been inhaling all of her food at once, is now mindfully eating from her new puzzle bowl. The Cabbage seems to be good. Right now, in this very moment, we are all healthy.

Wednesday morning, my friend/coworker Amanda and I walked over to the nature center across the street to collect pond water. Amanda’s built a microscope for taking out into the field. We call it the Planktoscope and we needed to make a video of it working for a presentation our boss is giving next week. It was a damp and foggy walk. The air was chillier than either of us had expected, but the walk was pleasant. We hadn’t made it far before I noticed the first tulip bud and said “we need to stop.” I snapped some photos and then looked at Amanda. “This is the hazard of walking outside with me.” I said. Amanda smiled and said “Strolling is my favorite form of walking.” I stopped us three more times on our little pond water collection adventure. It was enough to shine some light on my inner creative parts that have felt a bit dormant lately.

Today’s gratitude comes in the form of health. Both physical and mental. My yoga practice is slowly returning to normal. I feel like next week will be a good week to get back to the morning dog walks. Michael installed a rack and storage case to my bicycle this week and I’m truly looking forward to riding my bike to work soon. Like, my heart says ‘yes’ to this, which is unusual for me. I won the lottery for Hamilton tickets and we’re going to see Hamilton for $20 next week! The camper dealership made us a really decent offer for our camper and now we don’t have that to fret over. These are little things worth celebrating.

Good things are coming our way.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Holding on

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Holding on"

I did some research and decided that I needed to change up my exercise routine. All that research kept pointing me to articles on ‘women of a particular age’ and strength training. So, instead of getting on a stationary bike and riding six miles on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I’m attending a ‘strength and sweat’ class at the gym. I hate it, but I’m committed. The teacher, Colleen, makes it easier for me to be committed to attending the class. She sees me in the gym every day, doing my yoga practice and commented that she was in awe of that practice. When I walked in to her class that first Tuesday, Colleen exclaimed “You’re coming to my class?! Yay!” Later on she asked me why I was switching things up. We had a conversation about our age group and exercise and Colleen knew exactly what I was feeling. She knows I hate doing all of the things we do in her class and she sympathizes. She’s really good at encouraging without being overly cheerleader like and she’s always checking in with me (and pretty much everyone else in the class) to see how I’m doing or if I’m overdoing it.

This makes all the difference.

That doesn’t mean I like the class any better today than when I started last week. But having an instructor who gets you, makes it a whole lot easier to be there. The class has also been a bit of wake up call and quite humbling. We partnered up on Tuesday and while one of the duo performed a round of five pushups, ten sit-ups and twenty squats, the other person had to jump rope. I wasn’t good at jumping rope when I was in elementary school let alone at age forty three. I finally hit a good jumping rhythm without tripping up in the last minute of our ten minute routine. All this time, I thought I was in shape, but it turns out I was just a shape and that shape was not prepared for jumping around while punching ten pound dumbbells into the air. This realization was a bit humbling. At the end of week two, though, I have to say that I do feel better. On Thursday, I glanced over at my reflection in the floor to ceiling mirrors while we were doing squats and I did a double take. I was all “wha...is that my butt?!?” My butt looks less like the-party’s-over-deflated balloons and more like this-might-be-a-party balloons. My butt has a new shape!

Take a moment to have gratitude in yourself for your practice today

This is something I tell my students at the end of my classes. This is something I say to myself at the end of my own time on the mat. This is something I never say to myself off the mat. Today I am going to take a moment to have gratitude in myself for starting this new practice and for staying consistent with this new practice. I am going to take a moment to be grateful for this body’s ability to keep up even when things got difficult, even though I was often ungraceful and often outside of my comfort zone. I think maybe I need to be outside of my comfort zone some times.

WHERE'D YOU GO

Intersect

7 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Intersect"

Three days after we got back from Boston, I had to have blood work done for my new doctor in order to renew my medication for triglycerides. That was some really poor planning after a week of eating lobster rolls and fried clams and steamed clams and pasta (Boston has a large Italian community with lots of homemade pasta shops). One day, just on this one day, I had a salad for lunch…topped with seared sea scallops. My dinner one night was literally a giant bowl of clams cooked in a hot bean curd sauce. No vegetable. Not even rice. Just clams. The only fruit to enter my body during those seven days was the pound of grapes I ate on our picnic. I also have not taken my triglyceride medication since May, when the prescription ran out. This happened right after my doctor retired and I had to find a new doctor. So really, I should not have been so surprised when my new doctor called me the day after my bloodwork to tell me she wanted to put me on Lipitor.

Like an old man.

She did suggest that losing some weight might help me get off Lipitor. We talked about what I’m currently doing and she said “you just need to walk more steps and maybe lay off dairy.” Easy peasy. Just walk a few more steps. That fat will just fall right on off you. Well you can imagine what this news did for my mental health. I was pretty pouty and weepy for a few days. Then I buckled down, took cheese off the menu and added more broccoli to my diet. I eat less food at dinner time and go to bed a teensy bit hungry. I combined my inside walk loop with my outside walk loop and I always take the stairs. This week I decided to swap out my Tuesday/Thursday bicycle time with weight training. So now I’m hungry and sore, but I’ve lost about two pounds in just as many weeks, so that’s better than nothing.

All of this focus on diet and exercise and trying not to obsess but still kind of obsessing has zapped my creative energy something fierce. I have Boston pictures to edit and I need to compile a list of what pictures I want to print, what size to print, and set up a budget sheet of costs for printing and framing. I really should start pulling photos for that book idea. Michael is picking up the Cabbage on Friday and then they’re going to spend the weekend with his moms. This would be an ideal time for me to do all of the above. Instead I’m thinking about making a trip to the Farmer’s Market for crates of tomatoes and deep cleaning the house while I roast those tomatoes. I also have been craving black-eyed-peas and okra, both of which are great disappointments when cooked from frozen. I bet I can get both of those things there and if I’m willing to pay a bit extra, I can get those peas already shelled. There’s an exhibit at the Nelson that I’ve been meaning to visit. This is the last weekend for it and I’d feel really bad for missing it. There’s no excuse for missing it. I’m a museum member and it costs me nothing. A weekend to myself is a gift I just don’t know what to do with. There are so many possibilities that it’s almost paralyzing. Isn’t that just the way? I asked for this and now that I have it, I’m at a loss of what to do with it. I think that I can probably do all of the above and maybe even throw in a foot spa visit.

I’m going to pat myself on the back right now for typing that last sentence and showing some ambition.

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

Cow

Nine hundred and ninety eight miles. That’s the number of miles to get from Kansas City, MO to Oklahoma City, OK and then to Weatherford, OK and then to Duncan, OK and then to Norman, OK and then back to Kansas City, MO. And it was miles worth traveled. So much of my drive took me down two-lane highways with little signs of civilization for miles and miles. There was very little traffic and often, it seemed like it was just me, the prairie and the cows. If I felt like pulling off the road to take a picture, I just did it. I didn’t let myself worry about the delay it might cause and since I was all alone, I didn’t think about inconveniencing the driver with my request to stop. When I wasn’t stopping to take pictures of the vast landscape of nothing, I was building stories in my head. At one point I even thought up my own stand-up comedy act.

I met Stephanie for breakfast one morning and got all caught up on her life. I got to squeeze Robin’s new grand baby. I soaked in a hot tub. I ate hipster street tacos with Traci, Chris and Quinn (who is more obnoxious now than ever) and we laughed and laughed. I attended a college graduation at a small rural Oklahoma College where I listened to a speech that both surprised me and gave me hope. The young man spoke about his white male privilege and how he intends to use that privilege for social justice. He told his fellow graduates that it was not enough to have conversations on race, but to be active in the fight against racism. No one booed him off the stage, but applauded and cheered and I thought “maybe we’re going to be okay.” Maybe. I sat on the couch in Amy’s library office while she spilled her guts on the last few months of her crazy busy stressful life. I drank too much wine while sitting on Misti’s porch talking about ways to help college graduates prepare for all the possibilities available to them after undergrad. I told Mark something that I have not told anyone. He’s the only person right now who can hold me accountable.

As I made the long drive home on Sunday, I caught the tale end of the TED Radio Hour on NPR. Dr. Robert Waldinger was talking about what makes a meaningful life. Dr. Waldinger is the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. His team and his predecessors have been tracking the health and lives of 724 men for 75 years. Actually the study has now moved on to the children of these men. It is the longest running study of its kind. One thing that has been made very clear from this study is the answer to the question of what makes a meaningful life and the answer is simple: “good relationships keep us happy and healthy.” Those relationships are not confined to marital relationships. Just having people in your life who you could count on in times of need, laugh with, cry with, is enough. These relationships keep us happy and healthy. It’s been proven by science that we need each other.

Yet, relationships for me can be difficult. I have always spent so much time alone, as a child, as a teen, in my adult life. I have to push myself to be in the presence of people, but I have never once regretted that push. Mostly because I feel like I’ve nurtured the best relationships with the best people. I am happier and healthier today for the weekend spent listening and laughing and commiserating and just being present in the company of all of them. Maybe Michael’s right about me and his prediction that I’m going to live to well past 100. Those good relationships will hopefully out weigh the bad genes and I’ll be the 90something old lady, doing yoga and zipping around town on a Vespa.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunshiny day

10 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Sunshiny day"

Last week, Michael came home with latest cold virus. His foot has been hurting since school started and then he put his back out in his overzealous power washing day. He get’s up gimpy and cranky and snorty every morning, though he’s mostly over the cold. He gave it to me! I zombied out on the couch for two days with it before I finally started to feel like a somewhat, albeit over mucous producing, human being. So here we are at the end of the week. Michael’s gone to the doctor about his foot where he found out that he has a broken toe and plantar fasciitis. At least I’ve stopped having those coughing fits that make your eyes tear up and my ears have stopped crackling every time I swallow.

It has been a week of ill health with weeks of recovery needed ahead for some us.

I am surprised that I only feel the tiniest bit of guilt for taking two days off to recover. Mostly that’s because I know my boss would have sent me home anyway. The not feeling guilty part is a big deal for me since I used to feel guilty for even thinking about staying home when I didn’t feel well. Yet, I’m still impatient to get back to my normal routine. I am containing myself to doing only the things that are necessary while my brain is chattering on about the number of times I missed the gym this week when I have a blood draw on Monday for my annual checkup on Wednesday. I will eat lots of salads this weekend and drink a gallon of water on Sunday. Just like I find myself doing at the end of every week, I vow that next week will be different. Next week I will make it the gym every day and I will be present on my mat for an hour every day. Next week, I will take fifteen minutes to sit in meditation. Next week I will write more words. I will take more pictures. I will organize those pictures. Next week I will go above and beyond the bare minimum of accomplishment.

This is all nonsense. I will get back to my normal routine, but I doubt I will do much more. And I am okay with that. The only person holding myself accountable is me. One week away from the gym is not going to end in bad results in my blood work. One week of rest (I started to say ‘laziness’) on the couch will not result in a downward spiral of bad things. It is a choice to go above and beyond the bare minimum and there is nothing wrong with choosing to do less. I am thankful that each morning I can make the choice to be the best version of myself that I can be in this moment. That “in this moment” part is the most important part.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Home decor

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Home decor"

I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss the lab results from some tests I had done a couple of weeks ago. I was a little bit nervous about this because the blood draw and urine sample seemed excessive, but they were just being thorough. Turns out, everything is just fine. Cholesterol is steadily declining. I am back to the weight I was the last time I was in. Sugar levels are excellent. My doctor is happy with my diet and my exercise routine. He did think that I should update my tetanus shot. The new tetanus vaccine last ten years now and covers whopping cough. I tried to negotiate against getting it. My doctor is pretty great and told me that I didn't have to do anything, but he did it in the same tone of voice my childhood doctor would use when I tried to get out getting a shot. So...I got the tetanus shot.

I have had a few things recently that has made me anxious. I was worried about my lab results. I was worried about paying some bills. I had to present a poster on some research I have been doing at a work retreat. I was stressed about that. So this week I am thankful that all of those things making me anxious have been solved this week. Lab results were good. Poster presentation was a success. Payday came before the checking account fell into the negative numbers. I am also reminded of the consequences of worrying about things I cannot control. Sure, I can take care of my body and eat right. I can prepare for a presentation. I can minimize spending. I cannot control my genetics. I cannot control people's reaction to my work and, unfortunately, I cannot just make money appear out of thin air. That would be a nice trick though.  

I am also very thankful for the time I got to spend with Talaura and her family. I am thankful that I could show Talaura this new place I call home and that Sarge was comfortable in my home. Talaura's nephews and niece are hilarious teenagers. There was a moment during dinner on Sunday with all of them when one of them randomly shouted out something so funny that I nearly sprayed my drink all over my dinner plate. I couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. I am thankful for that time. My prayer of thanks for this week is a simple one. Gratitude for well spent time with loved ones. Gratitude for good health. Gratitude for minor success stories. 

Gratitude for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL WHATEVER DAY

Eclipse

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Eclipse"

Yes, I usually reserve these posts for Friday, but Talaura and Sarge get here TODAY! We have a full day of sight seeing planned for Friday. I need to fill her full of BBQ and then we need to make sure she gets some National Park stamps on Saturday. Sunday, we drive up to meet her family in St. Joseph for Eclipse 2017 activities. We will be watching the eclipse at the Rosecrans Memorial Airport along with five thousand other people. We will witness totality and stars and I've already started getting emotional over the whole thing because Science! and WOW! So, needless to say, I have a lot of things to be thankful for this week. 

This was the first week of school for kids here and Michael's first week at a new school with new students. I am thankful that he seems to really really like the new place. At least he's excited about being there right now in this moment. I'll take it. I have a meeting scheduled next week with a new yoga studio that just opened up right down the street. I am thankful for the possibility of teaching yoga again. I went to the dentist today for a routine check up and my wonderful dentist went on and on about how great my teeth look. I left with a clean bill of toothy health. I am thankful for that toothy health. FLOSS EVERY DAY! I reached out and scheduled an appointment with a therapist because I have issues that I need to talk about with someone with an empathetic/sympathetic ear. It's probably something I should have done a long time ago, but I am thankful that I am doing it now. Actually, I already feel better just having set up the appointment. 

Mostly though? I am super thankful to have Talaura here for a few days. I want every thing to be super awesome and perfect while she's here. She always does a great job of showing me around New York when I visit, coming up with unique and off the beaten path places to explore. I want to do the same thing for her. I am thankful to be able to return the favor. 

So that's it. Peace out for a few days. DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN WITHOUT LEGIT ECLIPSE GLASSES ON! Even though all of the eclipse guides say to just watch and don't try to take pictures, I've bought a special lens filter and I'm going to try to take some pictures. If I find myself too much involved, I'll focus only on the eclipse. I promise. I will take a moment to have true gratitude for the moment. 

Happy Thankful Whatever Day!

I'M FAT

Instagram photo by Cindy Maddera * Apr 19, 2016 at 11:28pm UTC

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 3 likes

My friend, John, told me after turning fifty, that fifty was great. He said it was the year he turned forty that was the worst. He said he came down with some mysterious illness that left him unable to leave his couch for weeks. He said he thought he was dying. I rolled my eyes at him because we had that kind of friendship where I could roll my eyes at him and I just assumed he was being dramatic. Sort of like when a man has a cold kind of drama. I was insistent that forty was going to be amazing. I mean look at how well I take care of myself! Just the yoga alone should make forty feel like the new twenty.

Then I bent over to put shoes on after a yoga class and I couldn't get back up. This seemed to start a ball rolling for weekly doctor visits, starting with the chiropractor, then there was my women's health visit and a couple of dentist appointments. Finally last week, I got around to getting a blood draw so I could follow up with my doctor about my cholesterol, which I talked to him about yesterday. For the last year I have been taking two fish oil pills a day. I stopped cooking with ghee and I don't put cheese on my tacos on Tuesdays. As a result my triglycerides went from 294 to 303. Yup. It went no where. Except up a little. Though my doctor said that wasn't a significant increase. Because there was no change, he said I could stop taking the fish oil and start taking Fenofibrate. He also mentioned maybe doing a scan of my heart in six months if the Fenofibrate doesn't seem to be working. 

My doctor said that when he sees high triglycerides in patients, there's usually a family history. When he asks me about family history, I have to shake my head and say "I don't know". I don't know specifically. At least three of my extended family members in Mississippi have had some sort of bi-pass, double bi-pass surgery. I just figured that this probably had something to do with their diets. There were many visits where I didn't see a vegetable on the table that wasn't gray green and swimming in butter with bits of pork floating around it. Turns out, their diet for sure may not be helping, but it's not entirely the reason for their heart problems. That's just my mom's side of the family. I seriously have very little specifics regarding the health history of my dad's side of the family. My paternal grandfather died from lung cancer, but he was a smoker. My paternal grandmother died from complications from type II diabetes and old age. This is the same woman who regularly ate a thick slice of poundcake, toasted with butter on it for breakfast. Type II diabetes was not a surprise. 

So while my family has talked about heart disease and diabetes as in "hey, so and so went in for bi-pass surgery today", they have failed to mention specifics. If cholesterol shows up elevated in a blood test, they have high cholesterol. I've learned that we can't just say high cholesterol because even though triglycerides are not a cholesterol, they get lumped in with the cholesterol. I have made this mistake as well. My cholesterol levels are fine. In fact, my HDL (good) cholesterol is near perfect. Triglycerides are a different fat. They are fats that are converted from unused carbohydrates. It's what happens to those calories you eat, but don't burn and they can lead to heart disease, not to mention that high triglycerides fall into a group of metabolic syndromes associated with dementia and Alzheimers. Here's what makes things interesting. I do not have a super rich carbohydrate laced diet, nor one that is high in fats. I do not eat more calories than I burn. In fact, most days I barely eat enough calories at all. I exercise. That wheel of fat around my belly that I never seem able to get rid of is just a genetic predisposition to hold onto unnecessary triglycerides. 

So I'll take my Fenofibrate because it specifically targets triglycerides. Maybe I'll actually finally lose that wheel of fat I'm always complaining about. I don't know what I expected out of age forty really. Maybe more confidence in this body. Maybe a more laze fair attitude. For some reason I didn't think about the physical side of forty, just the mental side of things. Turns out forty is going to be the year of preventative maintenance. It's the year I start taking a prescription to prevent heart disease and dementia even though those things sound like something someone in their mid fifties should be more concerned about. Well, I've always been ahead of the game and early for everything. Ten minutes early is on time. I still believe that forty is awesome. 

BICYCLE

Almost alien

"Almost alien"

I was determined to not let the whole bike riding to work thing be just a passing fad and vowed that as soon as it was the weather was nice, I'd start riding Bessy to work. The nice weather showed up around here sometime last week. I rode the scooter. It's totally a lame excuse, but if I can't start my week with riding the bicycle, then I'm ruined for the rest of the week. Plus it was the first scooter ride of the season. Sunday rolled around and Michael said that it was going to be 77 degrees on Monday. I then declared that I was riding my bike! I said it with an exclamation point, but I didn't feel that exclamation point on the inside. 

The minute I agreed to ride my bicycle on Monday, I began to doubt myself. I've been walking over ten thousand steps every day, but I am not "in shape". My mind instantly pictured the three big hills that I have to tackle to get to work. Those hills took on a ridiculous incline. I tried to think of the downhill parts where I don't even peddle, but I started to remember those sections as being to short and to far between. What if I couldn't make it to work? What if I did make it to work, but it took me over an hour? Just what if I couldn't do this? Then Monday morning came along and I was still doubting the whole bike riding thing. Michael stepped outside and said "whoa! it's thick as soup out here!". I thought "here's my out!" I could always say that it's too foggy outside to ride. Except I didn't.

I dragged my bicycle out of the garage and headed out into the fog. As I turned the corner to head towards the bike route, I felt the cool air sting my cheeks and my eyes tear. Then I felt an involuntary smile creep up on my face as I coasted through the neighborhood. The stillness of the morning combined with the heavy fog gave the illusion that I was the only person on the planet. Then a car would pass or a person would emerge from the fog to stand at a bus stop and I would remember that I was not alone. I struggled up the hills that I have always struggled on. They were not better or worse than they were when I was riding to work regularly. When I got to work and parked my bike, I noticed something shimmering and sparkling in my peripheral vision. Dew drops had collected on my eyelashes. My cheeks had that rosy crisp air glow and I filled up with a little pride for myself. I suddenly wanted to brag. I rode my bicycle to work. Like this made me special even though I know that millions of people do this every day because it's the only way they can get to work. 

Well, pride goeth before the fall, because my ride home that evening was pathetic. I was so slow. It was like was I only moving just fast enough to keep me balanced upright on the bike. It took me forty five minutes to ride four and half miles home. The next morning was worse. My knees started to ache on my third turn of the pedals. My thighs were burning. My nose was dripping. I wheezed up the first hill. I seriously considered walking up the next hill. I practically whimpered with relief when I finally reached that last section of the ride where I could just coast into the parking garage. I knew my ride home would be excruciating. I thought maybe if I could get out a little early, I could just take as much time as I wanted to get home, but then a miracle happened. Just as I was walking out to the parking garage the sky opened up and dropped buckets of rain down. Michael had to pick me up on his way home from work. When he showed up, he said "What about your bike?" I replied that maybe Thursday or Friday he could just drop me off on his way to work and I'd ride my bicycle home. 

A friend of mine was saying the other day how she's been working out for three years now and she just didn't know if it was doing any good. I can relate. I walk every day. I get on my yoga mat. I hardly ever use the elevator at work and will walk up four or five flights of stairs three or more times a day. I have this idea that I am fit, but when I'm wheezing and pep-talking my way up a hill that idea becomes a very fine piece of china that I just violently threw onto the sidewalk. I have to remind myself that I haven't done this kind of activity in months. I have to remind myself that I am not in any sort of competition with any one and getting to work and back is not a race. I have to remind myself that it is OK to huff and puff. I have to remind myself that it's OK to be a little bit outside of my comfort zone. 

I'll be riding my bike home today.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Everyone who was sick in this house is getting better. Except me.  Mine has decided to linger and after violently coughing a night away, I went to see the doctor. Bronchitis. One day of steroids and few puffs from an inhaler has already made a world of difference.  The good news is I've lost five pounds and all my core muscles are sore as hell. Also we have a nice three day weekend to fully recover. 

This week I am thankful for rest. There was a time when twenty minute savasanas where mandatory in my yoga practice. After Chris, twenty minute savasanas became a thing of the past. It has been said that savasana is the hardest yoga pose and I used to excel at it. Now I fidget and I check the timer constantly. It's a little disconcerting how bad I've gotten at this part of the practice. It is the most important pose. It is a time for our bodies to heal and it is a time to prepare ourselves for letting go. Savasana is sanskrit for corpse pose. It is the practice of dying. It is the practice of saying goodbye to everything you love and accepting the calm nothing. Maybe I've grown weary of saying goodbye in my real life that practicing it just makes things unbearable. 

I have grown careless with my health. I've known this for some time now; I just haven't been willing to do anything about it. I relished in the carelessness, maybe even thinking "what does it matter". So often here I am thankful for one thing or another. Rarely am I thankful for this body. It's time for more savasanas, less worry, and more appreciation and love for my health. 

I am thankful for the okra and tomatoes I have pulled from the garden. I am thankful for a quite weekend. And I am oh, so thankful for you.