DC

Kilroy was here and so is Chris. I have a story about this one, but you'll have to wait for it.

11 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Kilroy was here and so is Chris. I have a story about this one, but you'll have to wait for it."

The emotion in me started to build up the closer I got to the National Mall and by the time I crossed Constitution Avenue I had melted into a puddle of goo. I’m not really sure what happened. I was just suddenly overwhelmed by the grandeur and the history and patriotism. I had the Capitol Building to my left and way off to my right was the Washington Monument. It was still very early in the morning and a bit cold, making my breath visible as I walked towards the Washington Monument. I also carried a ziplock baggy of Chris’s ashes in my pocket and my plan was to leave them somewhere on the National Mall.

It has been over a year since I’ve left Chris somewhere. I think the last place I left him was in New Mexico. I just didn’t go any where this year that Chris hadn’t already been. When I decided to go to this conference in DC, I realized that I needed to do some research to determine an appropriate spot for Chris. I thought about leaving him near the Washington Monument because he thought it was funny we had this giant phallic symbol as a monument. Then again, no one I know could do a more accurate Forrest Gump impression than Chris. Whenever I hear the name ‘Jenny’, I hear it in Chris’s Forrest Gump voice. There’s that scene where Forrest and Jenny meet in middle of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, so I also toyed with the idea of leaving him there. There were too many options really: The Air and Space Museum, the International Spy Museum, the Blind Whino Psychedelic Church. That’s the short list.

In the end I decided to leave Chris as close as I could to the Kilroy graffiti hidden on the back side of the World War II Memorial. “Kilroy was here” cartoons started showing up during the second World War where ever US troops appeared. The comedy in tragedy theme was a humor that Chris embraced. His favorite book was Catch 22. He signed on as medic because he thought he’d be spending his time wearing a Hawaiian print shirt, lounging in a hammock with a martini in his hand just like the doctors in M.A.S.H. Then there’s the bonus of being hidden in plain site. Remember that time Chris put that ‘Return to the fiery pits of Mount Doom’ sticker on the Barnes and Noble display copy of that Anne Coulter book? This spot just seemed to be the right one and being there at such a deserted time of morning made it easier for me accomplish this. I still managed dump about half of Chris’s ashes down the front of my black coat. I looked like a beignet from Cafe du Monde.

I ended up having a couple of really good discussions on death after leaving Chris’s ashes. When I met up with Christy, a college friend who I had not seen in twenty years, she talked about how even though we’d lost touch with each other and only had minimal connections through social media, Chris had left a void. She feels the void left by his passing. And that’s true. He left a big ole gapping hole that we have all had to figure out how to navigate around. Our last night in DC, I ended up talking to my boss about navigating the gapping holes of death. He is in the middle of dealing with a terminally ill loved one and we talked about loss and moving forward. I told him about J and I told him about how his death shaped mine and Chris’s views on death and living. I talked about how the very best way I can honor Chris is by living, truly living, my life. It is not always easy, but it is harder for me to think of myself as a disappointment to him.

So I do my best to truly live this life.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today we left Chris in this baby T-Rex.

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Today we left Chris in this baby T-Rex."

My friend, Heather from Oklahoma, was passing through my area one evening this week and we were able to meet for dinner. It was really good to see her face and get caught up on her life. She and her husband Scott had just had their first child right before Chris and I moved. One of the last things we did before leaving OKC was to go over to their house and smell their baby's head and give her an Ugly Doll. I can't believe that child is six years old now. Any way, we had a nice evening catching up and telling stories. All is well in their home and their life is full. Some where along the line the topic of Chris's ashes came up. Heather said that she had been meaning to ask me about them and how I had to be starting to run out of ashes. I told her about seeing an end to it all. 

The first time I opened Chris's coffee can to take out ashes, I thought that I would never reach a point where I would run out. It seemed as though I never made a dent in the amount of Chris's ashes left in that can. It was like a bottomless can of ashes. When I opened it to fill up a container for our last trip, the Abe Lincoln Tour, I felt the spoon hit the bottom of the coffee can. It sort of jarred me. I paused in my task because it suddenly felt like this thing that I do with Chris's ashes was really something finite. There is going to be a day when I run out of ashes and I have mixed feelings about this. I am thankful, though, for the knowledge that one day I will not be posting about the places where I have left Chris. I am thankful that it is just a chapter in my life and that one day I will go on vacation without researching interesting places to leave his ashes. I just keep thinking about that moment in Up when Carl realizes that Ellie's memory book doesn't end with her dream of seeing Paradise Falls. It is a bitter sweet kind of gratitude. Relief to have completed this drawn out memorial and a sadness over to be finally done with it all.

I do still have doubts about my decision for what I do with Chris's ashes. I can imagine running into him in the afterlife and him saying "What the fuck? You've scattered me all over the damn place. This is what you decided to do with me?!?" I easily shrug those doubts aside because he never gave me any kind of answer for what he wanted. Also, there is a lot of humor involved in leaving Chris's ashes in different places. I know he would find the whole thing hilarious. I'm thinking I need to plan something big for that last bit of ashes. Thailand or outer space or maybe that's the Appalachian trail trip. I don't know. I am thankful that I don't look back and think about the things we didn't get a chance to do together, but all of the things we did get to do. These new adventures for me are honoring Chris and his views on life. I am thankful for Michael who has and is 100% on board with all of this. In fact, he encourages me to bring extra ashes with us on trips in case there turns out to be more than one ideal spot for Chris. I am thankful he understands.

I am so, so grateful to have been able to spend time with Heather this week and meeting some her friends. I am thankful for the rain that has broken our heat wave. I am thankful for the purple hulled peas that are ready for harvesting in our garden. I am thankful for my yoga mat. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a super Thankful Friday. 

WHERE I LEAVE CHRIS

Chris. Acadia National Park. Cadillac Mt, first place the sun hits the US every morning

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There it was. The Appalachian trail. I knew it was in Maine. I know the trail starts and or ends in Maine, depending on which direction you're walking. I just hadn't planned on venturing near any part of the trail. Too far north. Too far inland. Too little time. So I left Chris on top of Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park, the first place the sun hits the US in the mornings. We shared a sunrise, something I can't remember doing with him when he was alive. Well, not unless you count that time we were attacked by the raccoon and sat the rest out of the night out at the table, staring bleakly into the woods and jumping at any sound. This spot was a nice spot blocked from the wind on a rock ledge that faced East. There was still a good portion of ashes left when we returned the next day for a stamp. Then Talaura and I got obsessed with seeing a moose. So we started driving West in search of moose, taking us into the mountain forest region of Maine. 

Talaura saw the sign for it first and asked if I wanted to stop, if I needed to stop. We were eating chili cheese dog flavored potato chips and they all started to gum up inside my mouth as I said no. Hot tears filled my eyes and I suddenly felt like I was drowning in a wave of indecision and self doubt. Why didn't I split my supply of ashes? Why didn't I check with Talaura ahead of time about going near the trail? Am I honoring Chris the way I should be? Am I doing the right thing? Then I started sobbing because all of it made me angry. Chris, the Appalachian trail, his stupid ashes, livers and tumors, my self doubt. And I shook with the struggle between pushing the sobs away and just letting them come. In the end I said "OK...OK tears, you get one minute. Sixty seconds. Then you dry the fuck up." I didn't make a bargain with myself. No ultimatums. I just let myself have a minute. 

I am constantly swimming in a pool of self doubt. I'm a good swimmer and I can tread water enough to keep my head out of water, but it's exhausting at times. I never see that getting out of the pool is an option. Instead, I see that I have three choices. I can keep swimming, I can stop swimming and let myself sink to the bottom of the pool, or I can lean back and just float. In that minute, I floated. When my minute was up, I started swimming again and this time, I swam to the edge and got out of the pool. I started thinking about my choice to leave Chris on Cadillac Mountain. It was a good choice. I left him in a good spot. I stand by that. This trip was not about the Appalachian trail and it wasn't the time for me to leave Chris there. I still believe the Appalachian trail is something Traci and I have to do together. I think this is the most confident I've ever felt about places I leave Chris. 

I suppose it's about time I got out of the pool since I've been in long enough for my fingers and toes to become all pruny. 

VOODOO

Todd and I left Chris @VoodooDoughnuts with a bacon maple doughnut. #VoodooDoughnuts

"Todd and I left Chris @VoodooDoughnuts with a bacon maple doughnut. #VoodooDoughnuts"

I believe it happened when Chris and I were watching something on the Travel Channel about Portland. There was a story about Voodoo doughnuts. As soon as they mentioned bacon maple glazed doughnut, Chris was in. Portland was officially put on our list of places to visit because we might want to live there one day. All because of a doughnut that had a couple of strips of bacon pressed into the maple icing on top. We made our visit to Voodoo on our way out of town to take a day trip to the beach. Chris bought the last bacon maple doughnut the place had and before he took a huge bite out of it, I took a picture. I cannot express to you the level of disgust I have for that doughnut. I could not watch Chris eat it because every time I looked at that doughnut, I gagged. The picture I took also makes me gag. The bacon looks old and shiny with grease and the smell of maple glaze alone will induce diabetes. 

I knew that I would be taking some of Chris with me on this trip. I know that my plan is to leave Chris in places we've never been before. When I travel to knew destinations, he's traveling too. Sort of like that. Portland, though. I had to bring Chris to Portland. It was sort of like bringing him home. The problem was, I could not even think of where I was going to leave him. I sent a text to Amy just before leaving asking her if she had any ideas. She replied with two: Voodoo Doughnuts and Powell's Bookstore. Now Powell's was certainly a good idea. It is the biggest used and new bookstore I have ever been in. You could lost wandering through all of the different sections, up and down stairs. We spent hours in that place. But Voodoo Doughnuts? That just seemed like the most perfect place. 

The problem was how to go about it. I knew a bacon maple doughnut had to be involved in some way. Timing was also an issue. Voodoo Doughnuts has grown into quite the tourist destination. In fact, I've been told that the locals prefer a different doughnut shop. Voodoo is open twenty four hours a day and the downtown location sits right in tourist row. At any given time of day, there is a line out the door and around the corner. I was not going to be able to leave ashes inside any where. I knew that going in, but I didn't know where I'd be able to leave Chris outside in a way that wouldn't involve too many stares. I had plenty of time to think about it while I waited in line.

In the end, Todd and I decided to leave Chris in one of the flower pots just outside of the building. We placed a bacon maple doughnut in there with him. Todd actually ate a bacon maple doughnut to commemorate the event. He's taken my side, even though he ate the whole thing, and agrees that doughnut is pretty horrible. I know that some homeless person probably snagged that doughnut soon after we left. That almost seems fitting. Chris was the type to buy a dozen doughnuts just to give away. 

I did not have the meltdown I had expected in leaving Chris here. Good? Bad? I don't know. It felt right. It felt right leaving some of Chris here in his favorite city. I can't help but wonder if he'd see it as different as I see it today. After we left Chris, Todd and I walked down to a pub to get a beer. As we walked Todd said something about not knowing what to think about any of it. Death is the greatest mystery. When we leave Chris in these places, is he pleased? Or are we just making ourselves feel better? I like to believe it's a little of both, but I've stopped asking those kinds of questions that do not have answers. Instead I just hold onto the truths I already know.