THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tank wars

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Gratitude. 

I just typed that word up there and left it all alone on the page for hours. Occasionally I would tab back over to this window and just stare at the word. I would say it over and over in my head, each time with a different accent or emphasizing one of the syllables. Mostly the 'tude' part. Some of you (those newish to this blog) may not know how my Thankful Friday posts came to be. It started many many years ago, just before the rise of happiness projects and self fulfillment. Chris and I had recently moved in with his mother and I was really unhappy with the situation. It felt like a step back or a failure, even though we were supposedly moving in to help her out after Chris's dad passed away. 

I was recently writing about this period of time for another project. During my reflection on this time, I thought about how truly awful I was then. My unhappiness with our living situation made me selfish and mean. I had never agreed to the move, but found myself packing up our things anyway. Once we were there, I didn't really feel welcome. We had lost our privacy and the comfort of our own space. This situation did not feel like a home. Chris and I argued about it and by the end of it I had agreed to try harder. I started with making a list. Every day I would write down things that I was thankful for that day. At the end of the week, I would copy that list into a blog entry. The lists were long and it reminded me that my life was pretty good. The gratitude lists helped me to find a way to make something good out of a crappy situation. I also found ways to not be there. I started teaching a whole lot of yoga during the years we lived with Chris's mom.  

Happiness gurus all agree that having a daily gratitude practice makes for a happier life. Has my gratitude practice made me a happier person? Yes and no. If it hasn't made me happier, it has at the very least made me more appreciative of this life in all it's moments. It has become a valuable tool for lifting the gray clouds that sometimes float around. It has become kind of like my yoga mat, the thing I always come back to. I have seen versions of myself and versions of a person I don't want to be and this practice of gratitude keeps me from being that person I don't want to be. Today, I am grateful for this practice that keeps me grounded. I am grateful for this practice that reminds me that I am blessed. 

I am thankful that there were no fireworks related injuries in our house this week. I am thankful for quiet moments. I am thankful for the busy moments I have had at work. I am thankful for dog snuggles. And I am thankful for you. Have a wonderful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

AND THEN I HUNG UPSIDE DOWN FOR AN HOUR

I'm going to do yoga in one of those silk hammocks today.

"I'm going to do yoga in one of those silk hammocks today."

We had high expectations for Saturday. Perhaps, those expectations where a little too high, but we left the house with the sun shinning down on us and visions of cheese curds dancing in our brains. We stopped at the Enchanted Frog Antiques. We paused at an old cemetery so I could take pictures of dead people (as I like to do). Then we stopped in a long line of cars all waiting to be parked in a pasture and we waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later the car was finally parked and I convinced myself that it wasn't really going to be all that bad. I continued to do this right up until we were wedged into Shatto's General store. This where Michael bent down to look into my panic stricken eyes and say "How about we just go to the grocery store near our house and buy a bunch of Shatto products there?" I nodded my consent and hiked it back out to the car and then we proceeded to drive an hour back to KCMO.

Our first stop was a Chinese buffet. You see, we had assumed we'd eat ice cream for lunch and then get something more substantial later. But that didn't happen and since we'd gone too long with out food, we headed for a place where we could eat all the food. Michael started talking about Thanksgiving while we were munching on our Mongolian BBQ'd noodles. He was asking all these questions about what we should do. Go to Oklahoma?  Go to OKC? Stay here? The thing was I thought we'd already decided on all of this. The first Thanksgiving we spent together, Michael said that he liked to do Thanksgiving dinner. So I thought we were doing Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, I had even told my family that this was a thing. Now he was telling me that he didn't want to do Thanksgiving dinner and I had a melt down at a Chinese buffet. 

The effort I have been making to try to make everyone around me happy had reached critical mass and I was so overwhelmed that I could no longer do anything but put my head in my hands and cry. My body and soul has contorted itself into so many shapes in an attempt to please that is has become stuck. I find myself hesitating over every purchase, every word, every action, trying to decide that if said purchase, word or action is going to illicit an "I don't like purple", "Why is it cold?", "you didn't stop and get me anything?" So much so that often I am frozen with indecision. I have become so full of self doubt that I cannot make decisions. So when Michael asked me what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving, all I could do was cry. I had no idea what the right answer was. 

Recently I had been talking to my old yoga teacher about my relationships and how I have yet to figure out what my role or part was in the Cabbage's life. That this was in fact something that I struggled with constantly. Karen said the most simple thing to me: "Be you." On Sunday, while I was hanging upside down in a silk hammock during an aerial yoga class, that simple piece of advice rolled around in my brain like a marble in a maze. Have my endeavors to please those around me allowed me to be my true authentic self? The answer to that is only if my true authentic self is a trained monkey.  There is a difference in doing something kind and doing something you think is kind with the intention that the recipient will be happy with that kindness. Because for some people, no matter what your intention, will always be dissatisfied. Food will never be warm enough. Drinks will never be cold enough. For this kind of person, just right, just doesn't exist.  And it is not my job to make them satisfied. There's no such thing as perfection. Perfect is a make believe tale used to hurt people and make us feel less.

My happiness is not contingent on the happiness of those around me. That doesn't mean I am selfish or unkind. It just means that I change my intentions for doing kind and unselfish things. and when the recipient of that kindness complains about this or that part of the kindness, I will simple say "You are welcome."