THANKFUL FRIDAY

Imaginary beasts

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The fireflies in the Mark Twain National Forest light up differently than those from our own backyard. We noticed this on our first evening in the forest. Our campground was located almost in the middle of one of the forest quadrants. After we had set up camp and eaten dinner, we took a stroll down to the lake/pond. Michael was hunting a good spot for us to lay down a blanket later for star gazing. I was trying to catch a glimpse of the bull frogs that I could hear at the edge of the pond. It was right at that perfect time of evening where the sun had just dropped down, but not far enough to make everything dark. We walked to a field on the other side of the pond, picked a spot for star gazing the next evening and then turned to head back. 

As we headed back towards the campground, we noticed the fireflies. They had just started lifting up from the forest floor to start their evening of hunting. Right away, I saw something different about these guys. Their flash of light was short, a blink really. It did not linger and slowely dissipate like the fireflies in our own backyard. These forest fireflies blinked like little camera flashes and they seemed to do so almost in unison with each other. We marveled at the diversity and the differences between 'city' fireflies and 'country' fireflies. The next night, we laid on a blanket in the field on the other side of the pond and looked at the stars. Occasionally we would think that we had spotted a satellite only to realize that we had spotted a firefly.  We did see a real satellite or two and Michael finally got a glimpse of the Milky Way, but it's the fireflies that impressed me the most. Always the biologist. 

I am thankful for our time away, traveling this country and for the things we saw. I am so grateful that part of that time included Chad, Jess and The Kid. At one point, Chad and I looked at each other and just started laughing for no reason in particular. The Kid looked at the two of us, shook his head and said "you guys are ridiculous." Which made us laugh harder. I am thankful for that woman with the truck who hauled all of us and our bikes back up the longest steepest hill, even if Chad had to pay her $20. I am just thankful that she was there and agreed to Chad's offer. Between that woman and twenty bucks, no one died that died. Mostly Chad. Chad wasn't murdered that day. I am thankful for ridiculous moments and easy bike rides. I am thankful for that moment when we came across a doe and her fawn. I am thankful for all the car tags we collected. We got fifty different car tags, some of those were Canadian. We were missing four American State tags by the time we made it home. 

I am thankful for fireflies.

I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * Jun 8, 2017 at 5:53pm UTC

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My desk at work is L shaped. The section that is just to my right holds a big monthly calendar, the kind you can write on and tear of the page as you move to the next month. This is where I jot down notes and reminders that I have scheduled to train this person at that time on this microscope. This month has a big line drawn through the sixteenth all the way through the twenty fourth. "Vacation!" is written boldly under that line and for the last two weeks I have found myself glancing longingly at those dates as if willing the sixteenth to be tomorrow. I am on count down mode.

Back when we first bought the camper, before we could even us it because of the weather, Michael and I talked about camping trips. Every time, he would say "Hey! Maybe so and so can go a long." or "Do you think so and so would want to meet us there?" I was beginning to think that Michael either did not want to go camping alone with me or was scared to go camping alone with me. Did he think I was a bore? Or did he think I would murder him in his sleep and dump his body in the woods? There is no financial value for me to do the later, so I must be boring. Then, during one of these discussions about camping I said "Can't we go some where just the two of us?" To my surprise, he happily agreed and asked me where I wanted to go. Thus began our planning of what I am calling our Lincoln Trip, even though it's only partly about Abraham Lincoln.

We're going to do a big loop that takes us up and over to Springfield, Il. There, we will visit the Lincoln Library and Museum and all things Abraham Lincoln. From there, we head over to Kentucky and the Mammoth Cave National Park. We will be about thirty minutes from Abraham Lincoln's birth place and five minutes from Mammoth Cave. I have made one concession to this being a just the two of us kind of trip. Chad, Jess and the Kid will meet us at Mammoth Cave. This was Michael's idea because he knows that I don't get see Chad but maybe once every two or three years. He also remembers the big old crocodile tears that rolled down my cheeks as we drove away from Chad and Jess during our last visit. Technically, it will still be just the two of us because they will be staying in a different location then where we will be camping. Bending rules. Michael and I will finish our trip loop in the Mark Twain National forest. Michael has never really seen the Milky Way. We'll be in the national forest on a night with no moon and we have big star gazing plans. 

I realize that I have a week of waiting before we head out on the Lincoln Loop of 2017, but I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this trip. The promise of time away and new adventures fills me with gratitude. The idea of sharing that time and those adventures with Michael, also fills me with gratitude. I am thankful that I will have a chance to laugh with Chad, sympathize with Jess and meet the Kid. Sometimes, it's just nice to step out of the current moment and allow yourself to think ahead. Just a little bit. Not years ahead or anything like that, but a few weeks can't hurt. I am grateful for the things ahead. 

Here's to a weekend of good things and a super happy and Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Up

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Up"

Weeks ago, I was sitting on the back step watching Josephine sniffing around the backyard. The sun had just dropped and evening was still. I noticed a faint blink of light floating around the back corner of the yard. The first firefly sighting of Summer. Or at least this is what I thought at the time. The weather turned almost Fall like with heavy rains after that first firefly sighting, making me think that the kind of Summers I am used to may not be happening this year. The temperatures are still very mild for this time of year. Yet despite the absence of warmth, the fireflies continue to dance across the backyard every evening. One firefly has turned into many fireflies. 

Michael calls them lightning bugs. He finds it interesting that I have always known them as fireflies while he knows them as lightening bugs. We hit several of them mid-glow on our way to Hannibal last Friday and marveled at the green fluorescent streak they left behind on the windshield. A superoxide anion, which is a form of molecular oxygen that contains an extra electron, reacts with an enzyme called luciferin to produce the greenish yellow glow of a firefly. You would think that knowing the science behind the glow would take some of the wonder and magic from seeing a firefly in action, but not for me. In fact, the knowledge of how it happens, makes the whole thing even more amazing. Mix together some luciferin with some ATP and a superoxide anion and Bam! you have a flash of light. Produced by a tiny beetle. 

Fireflies represent so many things for me. They are the harbingers of Summer. They make you want to believe in magical things and fairies. The thing about them that I am most grateful for though is how they spark curiosity. How do they do that? Why do they do that? These are questions I asked as a child. These are questions that inspired a young scientist. I am thankful for the inspiration fireflies have given me. Luciferin is used in labs today to help study protein-protein interaction in live cells, how cells signal one another, and to monitor cell growth. It has been an invaluable tool in basic scientific research. So...I'm pretty thankful for fireflies. They are a pretty good reason for supporting environmental protection. 

Climate change is a real thing that is happening to our planet. It is not about belief. It is a scientifically shown thing that it is happening. I'm not sure some people understand the full implications of how this is more than just temperatures. Crop failure has led to famine in places like Somalia, which has now become a breeding ground for terrorists. All they need is a bowl of rice to recruit a new member to their fold. Beaches that our US Army could use to deploy troops in times of crisis, no longer exist. In fact our US military stands to spend millions of dollars in repairs for docks and piers that are now under water due to rising water. Defense Secretary James Mattis has called climate change a national security threat. The United States has contributed more carbon dioxide to the atmosphere than any other country on the planet. Today I am grateful for every US governor who stood up and declared that they would continue to uphold the Paris Climate Change Agreement.  I am grateful that my governor is among those who are taking a stand.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * May 25, 2017 at 1:42pm UTC

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When I sit down to write these gratitude entries, my intention is to really reflect on my week and focus on the good things or the moments of clarity and insight that I have achieved. I also do it because I don't want to end up as one of those people who are so mired by the things that have gone wrong with their lives that they can't see the good in it. I know that seeing the good things takes practice and that as soon as you stop reminding yourself to find something good, you lose the ability to do so. Those moments when I open up a page to start a Thankful Friday post and end up staring blankly at the white empty space for longer than I would like, makes me panic a little. Then I start grasping at straws. "This mug! I am thankful for this mug!" "My right foot! Dear Gods, I am so thankful for my right foot!"

Don't get me wrong. I can be mighty thankful for a well made mug. Mom made a new mug on her pottery wheel recently that is the perfect roundness and weight. It cupped perfectly in my two hands. She's going to submit it as an entry in the fair (yes, people still submit things to the local, county, state fairs) or It would be cupped perfectly in my two hands right this minute. I am also thankful for my right foot because it doesn't hurt. My left foot on the other hand is on my list for just hurting for no particular reason other than to be a jerk. My left foot is a jerk. But grasping at straws like this always makes me laugh. I come up with the most ridiculous and simple things to be grateful for and then I start to giggle. This is how having a gratitude practice can bring joy to your life. 

This week I am thankful that my brother is going to be just fine. There was a health scare earlier this week, but everything is okay. I am thankful for my own agile body. That's hard to say when I still see a fat belly when I look down at myself. I am thankful for Josephine's new haircut. It makes her seem springier and slightly more hilarious. I am thankful for the sunshine that hit me in the face as I walked my outside loop to get coffee this morning. I am thankful that we are finally getting a chance to go camping this weekend, even if it is one of the most crowded camping weekends of the year. Let's kick it off together! We're headed to the birth place of Mark Twain. He's a national treasure, you know. So there's sure to be lots of stamp collecting. We'll be at a park right across from the mighty Mississippi and chances are I will be sporadically belting out "Old Man River" the whole weekend. 

Thank you to the people who serve this country in the military. This includes the families of those people because I know first hand the sacrifices the whole family makes when one member chooses this path. It's super hard, scary work. 

Be safe and have a wonderful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Hello

6 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Hello"

Michael has asked me on two different mornings this week if it was a scooter day. Both times I have answered "yes!" without even checking the weather. That's not true. I checked the weather by looking out the window. Skies were clear. That says 'scooter day' to me. The reality was that each day included a chance of severe weather or at least some rain. In fact, on Wednesday, we got a notice at work saying that we were under a tornado warning until 7 pm that evening. Michael can't ride his scooter on Wednesdays because those are evenings with the Cabbage. She's not quite tall enough to ride the scooter. Yet.

I got to work on Wednesday just before the rain hit. At one point during the day, the wind was ferocious and rain came down sideways. But by the time I left yoga class to head home, the sky had cleared. Michael opened the garage door for me when I got home that evening and said "I guess you managed to avoid the rain." I told him that I've become the Zen master of riding between raindrops. The Matrix on scooters. I am grateful that I did not get caught in the rain, but more than anything, I am grateful for the scooter rides. I am grateful to have thrown caution aside and just hopped on the scooter and gone. This has been the kind of week that has added hours to days in a way that was unproductive. I mean that those extra hours where not filled with good things that I wanted to be doing. There were several moments when I felt like just laying on the floor. Like that moment I realized that a very heartfelt, personal bit of writing I had been working on, didn't save. Those scooter rides, along with some yoga time, where moments of freedom from this week's little frustrations. 

Today I am driving to Oklahoma to see Thomas graduate from high school. Thomas is J's youngest boy and the most stoic of the two. I can think of a very small number of times when I have seen him laugh, truly laugh. He's a very serious young man, but my memories are immediately drawn to that time that he and his brother, JR, were riding in the backseat of our car. Chris was driving and all along the way, the three of them swapped Darth Vader fart jokes. They were ridiculous and dumb, but hilarious. The backseat was filled with raucous laughter. This is all I will be able to see in my head as I watch one of those young men walk across a stage and accept his diploma tomorrow. I am grateful to be gifted his moments of laughter. 

I am grateful for many things and I am always grateful for you. Here's to wonderful weekend and a blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Grey

5 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Grey"

I heard my mother telling the story of my birth to some poor soul at our party on Saturday. It is a story I have heard a number of times and I have heard multiple variations on the story. In this particular telling, Mom said that I would only sleep for five minutes at a time and I broke out into a rash every time the sun hit my delicate preemie baby skin. I think my parents liked telling people the story of my birth because of the three of us, mine was the most dramatic. There's alway lots of oohs and ahhhs when they disclose how much I weighed at birth. I can still see Dad holding out his hand, palm facing up, as he would tell about how my tiny body fit right there and point to his hand. Mom always mentions the beautiful bouquet of flowers that she received from a close friend who also happened to be our milkman. This time though, my mom said something I had never heard her say before. She said "They told us she probably wouldn't live."

In all the tellings of that story, it never once dawned on me that I was in any kind of danger other than just being born tiny. I did not suffer with lung issues or heart problems. I do have allergies, but not more so than any normal birth person would have. I am healthy and despite some broken bones and a tonsillectomy, I have always been healthy. So I never really thought much about my birth as more than a regular birth but just a little early. Like a month and half early. A study of 148 premature infants from 1966-75 that weighed 1000g or less found that 48 of those babies survived. That's less than a 50% survival rate. More like 32%. Not bad, but I can't imagine that hearing your doctor tell you that your baby has a 32% chance of living is all that reassuring. I've heard people say that your birth story plays a big role in defining the person you become. Je suis forte. I guess I just never really saw myself as that strong. Survivor strong. 

Did the Fates see my future and say to themselves "This girl better be strong or die now."? Probably not, but it makes a nice cartoon in my head. I can see Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos each holding my life thread, tugging it between them to see how far they can stretch it before it feels like it might snap. Maybe Clotho and Lachesis kept Atropos from snipping it with her scissors or they found the thread to be too strong to be snipped. It makes a nice visual and I am thankful that I ended up as one of the 32%. I am thankful to have a mother who is strong enough to survive a child like me. I am also thankful for the other women in my life who were part of the tribe who raised me. All of them played a hand in shaping the woman I am today.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Swoop

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This morning, as I passed the window that holds the view to the Kaufman Center and nature center, I noticed little ringlets of waves on the water on the pond. When I took more than a passing glance, I realized that the ringlets were made by the swallows dipping down to pluck a bug from the surface. The barn swallows have returned. The barn swallows are my favorite birds to watch. I could lay on a blanket in the grass all day, watching them swoop around through the air in search of bugs. They're like tiny kites or fighter planes, performing twist and turns. The barn swallows also signify summer or at least that summer is on it's way.

We've had weeks of yo-yo weather around here. Last week brought rain that stayed with us for days and days along with cooler temperatures. Yesterday the sun came out and it was actually pleasant. Not warm, but pleasant and it looks like it is going to stay for a while. I am thankful for this for a number of reasons. I'm ready to walk around barefoot without my toes freezing solid. I am ready for scooter and bicycle days. Michael and I are both ready for camping days. But right now, I am thankful for the nice weather because we will have friends and family gathering in our backyard for a small celebration. We've wrangled the wild honeysuckle along the fence line and cleaned out the fire pit. Michael mowed the yard last night and I have to say, our wild backyard looks like a lovely place to host our friends and family. Today, I am thankful for barn swallows and sunshine. I am thankful for a weekend full of being surrounded by those we love. 

What else? Jenese has been found! Jen missed her calling as a private investigator (Or did she? Jen Tucker, Private Eye has a nice ring) and tracked Jensese down. We have communicated through email and have marveled over how our stories of how we got to where we are now have overlapped in ways. I am thankful that we found Jensese, but I am even more thankful that we found her happy and blessed and loved. 

Here's to a weekend filled with laughter and love and a super Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Storm debris

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Storm debris"

Monday morning, I opened my email and noticed some suspicious activity. There were over a hundred emails responding to one that had been sent from my account. All of the emails were from people I didn't know and all of them were complaints about having no clue as to why they had received an email. I immediately went to my settings and changed my password. Then I went on my merry way thinking all was fine and dandy. Thursday morning I tried to log onto my gmail account and was told that my account had been disabled. Google had decided that I had in someway violated something and had disabled my email. I filed the form to recover my account and waited. And waited. And waited. I am still waiting. 

While I waited to hear some news about recovering my email account, I became painfully aware of how dependent I have become to this account. It is my main source of communication other than text. My gmail window sits open on my desktop all day. It is how Talaura and I send each other stupid stuff we find on the internet like that designer bag that costs over $2000 and looks just like an IKEA bag. I lost access to all of contacts including home addresses for those contacts. I also rely heavily on Google Drive and have many half written stories there that I have every intention of coming back to and finishing one day. I lost all access to my Google Drive documents. I guess this is the equivalent to a fire in one room of your house. I've lost everything from that room. 

I have created a new account and I'm slowly rebuilding and linking day to day business accounts to the new one. I've sent out a request for people to email me at the new address so I can rebuild my contact list. I've thought long and hard about some of those documents in my Drive account. So many of them were stories that I had started and gotten a good hold on, but then just stopped working on. Always with the idea that I would come back to it eventually. There's one story in particular that I have written so many words for, but I haven't touched in ages. That story had recently popped into my brain and lately I've been spending time dissecting and rewriting it in my head while marching on the treadmill. Though Michael has assured me that I will eventually get my email account back, I've let myself mourn the lost words as if they're gone for good. 

Today I am thankful for a clean slate. This is an opportunity to start fresh, write new words and to stop editing and rewriting old stories in my head. It is also a perfect opportunity to clean up my email account which had become so littered with promotions and junk from my contest entering days. My contact list was messy with duplicates. Now's my chance to really set up a clean and organized contact list. One day, if and when I get my old account back, I can easily link it to the new account or I can just leave it as a junk drawer for unwanted emails. The funniest thing about all of this has been the response of those of you who didn't know my legal name. My mother gave me that name (some great grandmother's name) and she doesn't even call me by it. 

Tomorrow is the AIDS Walk of Kansas City and thanks to Katrina, I reached my fundraising goal yesterday. I am so so so grateful for each and everyone of you who donates to my fundraising page every year. This year's tag line for the walk is "We will walk until there is a cure." Decreased funding to the NIH for valuable life saving research, ensures that we will be walking for cures for AIDS and so many other diseases that wreck havoc on the human body for a very very long time. So, thank you. Thank you for supporting me in this fight against AIDS.

We're set to have a soggy weekend (it always rains on AIDS Walk day) and it has started with a soggy Friday morning. Here's to a weekend of rain boots and umbrellas and a truly Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Placed

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Yesterday morning, as I was cleaning up my breakfast dishes, the weight of all the things that need to be done settled down onto my shoulders. I looked down at the soapy sponge in my hand with a frown and wondered how on earth I was going to get everything done by the time it needs to be done. I had slept fitfully, dreaming about searching for a campsite, reading the map wrong, finding a place to pitch a tent and then pitching that tent in a pool of water. Standing at the kitchen sink, I had a sense that maybe I have taken on more than I can handle and that I'm about to make some serous mistakes that will leave us sleeping in a tent filled with water. This is what I get for filling my calendar with things I care about like marching for science and fighting the AIDS epidemic on top of just daily life stuff. 

I will get the things done that need to be done in the time they need doing. 

It's a good mantra. So good, that I will even share it with you so that you may use it in those moments when you are overwhelmed with the tasks ahead. With this mantra fully planted in my brain, I looked back out the window and noticed that the rain had stopped and the skies were clearing. I rolled my scooter out of the garage and Michael came out to head to work. He said "You know it's raining?!" and I replied "I know that is was raining, but it isn't now." I zipped to work, dodging rain puddles and reminding myself to at least try to be careful on the wet roads. I arrived to work dry and unscathed and filled with joy. 

My friend, Eagle, posted a thing on facebook this week about "what if" and how often the 'what if' keeps us from moving forward. He said that instead of asking "what if?", how about asking "why not?" It is a wise flip of the switch and one that I have always struggled with. I'd like to think that I am really good at playing the 'what if' game, but the truth is that I am constantly losing at that game. Why not just do my best and try to get a little bit done each day? This question lifts the weight of 'what if' clean off my shoulders. I am thankful for the reminder to flip the switch and I am thankful for my mantra. 

I am thankful for scooter days and time spent on my mat. I am thankful for green beans and Brussel sprouts. I am thankful for successful moments at work. I am thankful for this cup of coffee that is setting to my left. I am always always always thankful for you. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of doing our part to protect this planet. Here's to a weekend of celebrating the importance of science (which plays a big part in protecting this planet). And here's to a perfectly peaceful Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

They're like little hats

8 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "They're like little hats"

I went to upload some pictures to foap earlier this week. It had been awhile since I had added anything new. I've sort of lost interest and even forget about foap because I haven't sold any pictures. The market is saturated with images. This app is turning into more of a social media app with options to enter contests. I have plenty of 'likes' and 'four stars' on this app, but how many social media 'likes' and 'four stars' do I really need. I also don't have time to keep up with it all. The same is true for other apps I've been using to sell some clothes I never wear. I am this close to pulling the plug on both of them and just sending all my clothes to thredUp and just taking whatever they give me for them. Anything to just get them out of the house. I lack the patience required for online boutique ownership. Turns out that online selling for me is about the same as putting together a garage sale. A lot of work for not a lot in return. 

Back to the pictures. I was scrolling through my phone pictures for things to upload and I realized that most of the pictures in my phone right now are pictures of flowers. There are enough flowers inside my phone to fill several vases. Spring has brought the usual pops of color with all varieties of tulips and redbud trees. The side walks are dusted with flower petals as if someone's been skipping around tossing confetti. Spring time is beautiful and apparently I tend to photograph a whole lot of it. I don't think it's so much because of the flowers as much as it is because of the colors. I do the same thing in the Fall. The flower pictures will be replaced with tons of pictures of leaves in various form. Right now, I am enamored with the white tulips that are blooming at work. In the mornings, the are closed up tight, but by the afternoon they have all opened up to look like little hats. If I look at them under just the right angle of sunlight, the white petals become almost transparent. The kind of skin you can see through. 

I am thankful for the bright colors of Spring. I am thankful for the ability to see those colors. I say that because I'm just about out the door, headed to the eye doctor. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach a fun and very successful yoga workshop last weekend. It gave me a renewed sense of teaching confidence that I needed. I am thankful for cauliflower. I am thankful scooter days. I am thankful for moments on my yoga mat. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend of adult Easter egg hunts and colored eggs and blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Rainbow 🌈

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Wednesday evening, I was putting my things in my car before yoga class so that I wouldn't have to lug in my backpack and lunch bag. There was a sizable gray cloud sitting over us, dumping buckets of rain, but the sun had broken through in the west and was shining through the rain. I grabbed my phone and ran to the other side of the parking garage because I had a feeling that something spectacular was going to appear in the east. I knew that the conditions were perfect rainbow making conditions. And there is was. A giant arching rainbow stretched it's way across the eastern skyline. I hesitated to take the shot at first because I was sort of stopped in my tracks by how close to my human body the rainbow seemed to be. 

Usually, when we see rainbows, they are off in the distance. They appear unreachable. I remember there was a moment during our drive to the Alabama coast when we had reached a particularly flat area of Missouri, maybe close to the Tennessee boarder. It had rained on us as we drove through Missouri (or at least every time Michael was behind the wheel, it rained; the minute I took over the rain would stop and he'd go ballistic). We were traveling along a small highway and, in what seemed like far off in the distance, we could see a rainbow from end to end. It was the kind of rainbow you would chase because you knew that there had to be a pot of gold at the end. We never got close to that rainbow, even though we were driving towards it. The rainbow I witnessed on Wednesday had a visible start/end. I could have easily walked over to the neighborhood and been standing in the foot of that rainbow.

I don't think I have ever seen, so clearly, the actual foot of a rainbow. It was clear enough for me to determine that it was at least in the parking lot of the Gates BBQ place over there. I know many of you are thinking 'pots of BBQ gold!'. Gates is supposed to be one Kansas City's best. I wouldn't know because there's nothing on their menu that doesn't contain meat, but this would not stop me from running over to their parking lot in order to stand under an actual rainbow foot. Time was the limiting factor in this case because that part of the rainbow faded and disappeared before I could take a second shot. I was lucky to get that first picture. I was reminded of a scene from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Walter finally tracks down this photographer he's been looking for all over the globe. The photographer, played by Sean Penn, has been staked out on a snowy mountain waiting to get a rare shot of a snow leopard. When the leopard finally appears, he hesitates. He doesn't take the shot, instead he just looks at the leopard. The photographer tells Walter that sometimes it's about not taking the picture. 

I am thankful for that moment before I took the picture. I am thankful for the realization that I was witnessing something new through my eyes and not through a lens. Sure, I'm pretty happy and thankful that I got a picture, but that moment just before was the sweetest. 

I am thankful for all of those who registered to attend my yoga workshop tomorrow. I'm still a little amazed that people were so interested. I am also a tiny bit nervous. I am thankful for the sun that has been bright and shining these last two days. I am thankful clean sheets. I am thankful for this body as it is in this moment. I am thankful for Moon Cheese. And as always, I am thankful for you. Hope your weekend is simply fantastic and your Friday is truly a Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week

1 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "This week"

I have taken a picture of the same view every day this week. At first the view was just a reflection of that day of the week. Monday was dreary and rainy. The focus was on the raindrops that had collected on the windows, leaving the background of trees and buildings hazy and blurry. Tuesday brought us drizzle and more rain. By Wednesday I was hoping to show a progression of clouds giving way to open sky and sun, but the sun only peaked through the clouds late in the afternoon, just before sunset. The next day brought us more clouds and more rain bringing us into Friday fully soaked and saturated. April showers showed up a week early around here, but it has been much needed. Missouri is behind on precipitation amounts for the year. 

This is what I have reminded myself every day this week when I've walked through the garage to see my scooter and bicycle gathering dust. We need the rain. I have whispered this under my breath every time I've wrestled with Josephine to clean off her wet paws. The rain is a blessing. This phrase has become a mantra as I gaze out the window in search of warmth. I am grateful for the rain for all the obvious reasons. We need rain to make things grow and replenish our lakes and rivers. This gratitude does not come easily for someone like me who has been known to curl up on a window ledge filled with sunlight. A week without much sun exposure leaves me slightly groggy. When it became clear that Tuesday was going to look like Monday, Wednesday like Tuesday and Thursday like Wednesday, I knew that I needed to find my sunshine in other ways. So, this week I have found sunshine in the yolk of the eggs I've eaten from our chickens. There was sunshine floating in a vase on a table in the lunch room at work. There was a moment when the sun could be spotted in a puddle littered with delicate white petals. I found warmth from the sun in my daily cup of tea. I am thankful for cloudy weeks that force me to look for the sun in places other than the sky.

This wraps up a week of changes in eating habits and more intense cardio. The scale says that I'm not any lighter, but I feel better simply because I've taken some action. We will see how the weekends derail all the healthy eating I do during the week, especially now that I've started tracking my meals. My new mantra is "I'm doing great. I'm eating healthy and exercising. I am healthy." I am healthy. I am doing my best to put the numbers aside and focus on the healthy. I am thankful that I am healthy. I am thankful for a whole lot, but most especially, I am thankful for you.

Have a great weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It begins

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "It begins"

Monday was the first day of Spring and Tuesday I noticed the first tulip bloom as if a director had just stage whispered "Tulips, enter stage left.....NOW!" I have struggled with what to write for today's post, have in fact deleted a number of different entries. Spring always rattles me and I become easily distracted. A list of things that I want to do or that I feel needs doing begins to form in my head, often becoming too long and therefor overwhelming. This week, I have remembered that I have planned nothing for this year's garden. I realized this as I noticed one sprig of asparagus sticking up out of the ground in the garden bed by the back door. The garden beds are currently cleaned out with the exception of a weed here and there. The soil has not been turned or mulched or fertilized. They are empty slates waiting for the next thing.

Gratitude comes in the smallest, simplest of ways this week. It is the beginning of the Monet season where landscapes become impressionist paintings and every thing takes on a dreamy quality. I welcome it every Spring despite the sneezes and runny nose. I am thankful for the variety of blooms that pop up out of the ground and way the air smells after it rains. I am thankful for those days I ride the scooter and have to race the rain. I am thankful for moments of quiet stuck between moments of bustle. I am thankful for time to clean out so that I can be like those garden boxes, waiting for the next thing.

I am thankful for you.

Here's to a spectacular weekend and short and sweet Thankful Friday.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Goose

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Goose"

Time changes always mess me up. Even when I've planned for them and I know they are coming. That first night when Mom and I were in Ireland, I woke up and realized that Mom was also awake. I asked her for the time and she said "5:30 AM". I decided that I might as well go ahead and get up and do some yoga and was about half way through my practice when I noticed the time on my phone said that it was really just after midnight Ireland time. I announced this to Mom and said "I'm going back to bed." We both did and then woke up at a more reasonable time a few hours later. Of course that was a five hour time change, but apparently I handle one hour time changes about the same. 

The time change and the transition into Spring have made for some really interesting dreams. One night I dreamed that I was out hiking. I walked to a place where I had to climb onto a log in order to paddle over to an island made of cork. The ground was soft and squishy under my hiking boots and covered with moss and tiny ferns. I made my way to the visitor center which was in a small shack next to a water tower, both made of cork. The water tower leaked. The old man at the visitor center told me that they had a problem with couples coming to the island and stealing bear cubs to take home as pets. The bears on the island were angry and the campground was now surrounded by a bear proof fence that was locked at night. I woke up before I decided what to do next. The next night, I dreamed that I went to work without pants bringing a whole new level to Casual Friday. When my boss saw me, he said "Cindy. You're not wearing pants." I scowled at him and replied "You're not even supposed to be here today so shut up." Then I tugged my T-shirt down a little to be sure it was covering my granny-panty clad ass. I don't know what happened next because I woke up thinking it was Friday, but it was really Thursday.

This has been a week of change. That Patty Loveless song about saying goodbye has been playing in the back of my mind for days. That song always makes me cry, but it is the line about 'life is about changing' that has been on loop in my brain, the words circling around and around like an airplane banner. Often those changes come in subtle quite ways, sneaking in so that they are hardly noticed, like the slow growth of green that starts to spread over things with the coming of Spring. These are the changes that we crave without fearing. The bigger, more sudden changes, like a snow storm after a week of 75 degree weather, are the ones that leave us slightly timid to venture forward. This is the time of year when I am reminded to embrace both kinds of changes. I am reminded to be mindful that change happens every day and that it is how I react to the change that is important. I am thankful for the changes of this week. I am thankful for changes to come. I am thankful for crazy dreams that hint of adventures to come and an acquired boldness.

I am thankful for a turn in the weather because we promised the Cabbage weeks ago that we would go camping this weekend. We are headed to the Joplin KOA with plans to visit the George Washington Carver National Park. I am thankful that my mom will be able to join us for the day. I am thankful for vegetarian sloppy joes. I am thankful for the moments I have had on my yoga mat. I am thankful that Josephine didn't attack Marguerite (the chicken) who escaped while Michael was refilling the chickens' water. I am thankful that Marguerite was more interested in the new water than she was being chased around the yard. I am thankful for moments of stillness. I am thankful for you.

Hope your weekend is full of warmth and that you have a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunshiny day

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Sunshiny day"

I wrote this whole entry about how we set the camper up on Sunday to get it ready for the camper's first adventure this weekend. Then I had to delete it because we canceled the trip due to freezing temperatures and snow that is supposed to hit here on Saturday. I tried really hard to be stubborn about it and say that I could totally camp in the snow, but we all know that I can only grumble when it snows. I'm not good at being cold. I thought it was something I could get used to, but I notice that the older I get, the more intolerable the cold becomes. So, after checking the weather twenty times last night, I looked at Michael and held up a white flag. The good news is that the camper is ready to go for next weekend when we plan to take the Cabbage out for her first KOA experience. 

We have the wanderlust real bad right now and the camper exasperates it. On the weekends that the weather has been perfect for camping, we've had other obligations. The month of April has something on the calendar every Saturday except Easter. Which is great because that means we can be part of the big gay Easter egg hunt at Terry's. I was looking forward to a weekend away with just the two of us, one that wasn't centered around errands and chores. So you know what? I'm still going to treat this weekend like we are out of town. I'll go to yoga in the morning and then come home and drag Michael out of bed. We'll go the Nelson and maybe find an arcade. I'll dig out the Uno cards and make some queso dip or guacamole and challenge Michael to a game of strip Uno. We'll drink hot spiced cider while watching the snow fall. I am thankful for a weekend that has left us with no plans. I am thankful for giving myself permission to say no to camping this weekend in the snow. 

I am thankful for all the wonderful donations that have been made to my AIDS Walk Fundraising page. You guys are awesome! I am thankful for the random email from someone I don't know all that well asking me how I was doing because they know the winter is hard for me. I am thankful for free donuts. I feel like I've done some good work this week and I'm thankful for this. I am thankful for Buddha bowls with BBQ roasted tempeh. I am always thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend without chores and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Not a cloud

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Not a cloud"

Wednesday morning, I got to my desk and then plopped down onto a cushion for fifteen minutes of meditation. It is a habit I had tried to form last year, but with all the traveling and office move the habit didn't stick. I set it aside and didn't think about it, but Wednesday I looked at my desk and said "I am going to meditate before starting anything." I didn't do it because it was the first day of Lent. I didn't do it as part of anything other than I just wanted to do it. I repeated the act on Thursday, which was probably the worst meditation practice I have ever practiced, but I sat there for fifteen minutes trying really hard. I repeated the practice on Friday morning with a slightly better meditation moment than Thursday's. I do not know if this is the beginning of a good habit or just a momentary thing. I have started and stopped a routinely meditation practice so many times before. Stuff bubbles up when you are still and quiet and I don't really like dealing with that stuff that makes me feel human emotions. Maybe it is time to feel human emotions. I am thankful for the meditation this week as well as the time well spent on my yoga mat. 

There was a meeting this week for people volunteering with the AIDS Walk Open. One woman there is a woman I have worked with in the Memorial Booth every year. She said hello to me and then asked me if I thought about doing photography professionally. She said she loved looking at my pictures and reading the blog. She is not the first person this week to say something kind to me about the photos that I take. I am thankful for those compliments and encouragement because they come to me at a time when I am struggling to get the camera out to take a picture. I am uninspired by my current view. I have a sticky note on my desk that reads "Shoot with a mindful eye." I scribbled those words down a while back when I was watching a photography class on shooting in black and white. I feel like my mindful eye is broken or tired. I see things. I'm just not sure those things are worthy of shooting. So, not only is it surprising to hear praise about my work, it is also encouraging. 

This is a busy weekend. I will be subbing the Saturday morning yoga class at Sunshine Yoga tomorrow morning from 9:00-10:30 AM. I feel like I'm slowly being dragged (kicking and screaming) out of this teaching hiatus I've been in over the last five years. I am equal parts thankful and nervous. Saturday afternoon, Michael and I will be volunteering for the AIDS Walk Open where we will be Hole Patrol over the mini golf hole at the Ragazza. The AIDS Walk Open is a big fundraising event for the AIDS Walk. We are both prepared to sell as many mulligans and raffle tickets for the cause as we can. I am really excited about volunteering at this event this year. I can't wait to see the teams that come through and judge their costumes. (I'm still mad we didn't win the best costume award for last year. We were robbed!) They are predicting to have about 130 teams this year. That's a lot of money raised for the AIDS Walk Foundation. This is something to easily be thankful for. Don't forget! You can always make a donation to my AIDS Walk Fundraising page!

There's a lot to be thankful for on this Friday. I hope your weekend is filled with joy and that you have a truly Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Morning #makelight

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Morning #makelight"

I wrote a lengthy entry on Wednesday talking about Santosha and teaching yoga. Santosha is one of the Niyamas, the eight-limbed path of yoga and is sanskrit for contentment. It was entry about how I might have been using contentment as an excuse to be complacent or I've just been telling myself I'm content when I'm really just lazy. I spent a lot of time on that post. Then I hit the save button and an error page showed up on the screen. I couldn't get anywhere or do anything on the blog because there was some kind of glitch. When I was finally able to get back onto the site, my entry was gone. Wah wah. I did consider trying to rewrite that entry, but I am either content to let it go or too lazy to try to recreate it. 

I ordered a really cute skirt online back in January. It was my birthday present to myself. The skirt is covered with brightly colored elephants. When it arrived, I tried it on and it didn't fit. It was too small. This made me sad for a few reasons. First of all I was sad about my waistline. Then I was sad I couldn't wear my cute new skirt. Then I was sad because I had to go through the whole return process, which just the act of putting a stamp on something these days feels like a hassle. I received a gift card for the full price of the skirt and it has been sitting in my inbox for some time while I decided what I should do next. I had had some time to think about that skirt and now I wasn't so sure if it was the most practical purchase. Maybe I should use the gift card to buy a blouse or some pants. 

I was mulling this over while chatting with Talaura and I showed her my options. She said that she still loved the skirt. I explained that I couldn't really wear it to work because my legs have to be covered. I said it may be a more practical option to buy pants. Then she replied:

Then I told Talaura that she's a good friend and I bought the skirt in a size that would fit me. Of all the places she told me to wear that skirt, it was the one about wearing it to Saturday morning breakfast by myself that made tears prick in the corners of my eyes. Talaura is also the person who gave me a 'merit' badge that reads didn't please everyone. Because she knows me. 

Lena Dunham's character in Girls said in the latest episode "it's hard to know what is going on with others when you are focused on yourself." When I watch that show, I'm not watching it in expectation of hearing any words of wisdom. Girls is a guilty pleasure, but I took that sentence and flipped it around. It is hard to know what is going on with yourself when you are focused on others. This is what I tend to do. I spend a lot of time and energy making life easier for those around me, more so than I spend on taking care of myself or doing nice things for myself.  I am thankful for Talaura for being a good friend and for reminding me to do nice things for myself. 

I am thankful for the days this week where I was able to ride my scooter. I am thankful the patch of poison ivy on my collar bone is clearing up. I am thankful for the bowl full eggs on our kitchen counter. I am thankful for those moments that usually happen early in the morning, when I let Josephine back in from a bathroom break and she wiggles herself under my comforter until she is no longer visible. I am thankful for a skirt covered with elephants. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Paper hearts

10 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Paper hearts"

Michael and I watched the Arrival this week and my first thought was that Eric Heisserer and Ted Chiang really get grief. Or maybe that was an unintentional thing. I don't know but in those scenes when Louise is flashing back to what we think are memories and those memories make her breath catch and bring her to her knees, I was like "yeah...it's just like that." Even the good memories can be like being slammed in the chest with a sledge hammer. That saying about time healing all wounds is partially right. Those heart stopping breath catching moments happen more infrequently these days. Something to be thankful for in a mixed blessing kind of way.

My second thought about the movie was that language and communication is hard. It is complex. It is mind boggling complex. It has never been more apparent to me then it is right now with how this president has aided in creating such a divided country just how complex language truly is. There are people in rural America who believe that those of us who do not support this president, mostly those of us in cities, do not believe in family, do not believe in community or country. I am not talking about right wing extremists. I am talking about regular hard working people. Like me. Really, that's the thing. Like me. We share more beliefs than we think. It's just that somehow we've lost the ability to communicate to each other about these things. My family may not look like your family. My family is made up of a conglomerate of blood relations and friends who I wouldn't know how to survive without. If any one of those people called me today and said "I need you." I would drop everything and go. I am thankful for this family I have created. 

I donate monthly to Donors Choose and Planned Parenthood and I raise money every year for the AIDS Walk of Kansas City (You can donate to my AIDS Walk Page here!). I do these things because I care about my community. This is my way of giving back to my community. I support legislation that provides health care for all because healthy people build a healthy community. I support inclusion of people of different religions and races because I believe that diversity builds stronger and safer communities. I recycle and pick up trash when I am walking in the neighborhood because I believe that a healthy environment makes a healthy community. I am thankful for my community. I support taxing corporations who outsource their labor to other countries. I do my best to buy local products to support small business. I support legislation that provides better benefits for our veterans. I vote every time we are asked to vote on an issue, every time, not just for presidential elections. I believe this country is already a great country, filled with amazing people and great innovation. I am thankful for this country and the freedoms we are allowed. 

So you see, Rural America, we are not all that different from you. Most of us any way. I am finding gratitude in our similarities today. I am also thankful that we are no longer sick in this house. I am thankful for the boat load of eggs we've gotten from the chickens this week. I am thankful for warmer temperatures and dog walks. I am thankful for being well enough to be back on my yoga mat. I am thankful for this weird super cushiony standing mat they gave me for my standing desk. I've been hopping around on it like a crazy person. I am thankful for this video of Mia the Beagle that my friend Heather shared with me. 

I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One thorn

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 6 likes

I've been sick. Really, I'm still sick. Michael is sick. The Cabbage missed two days of school this week because she was sick. She's the only one that's feeling better. I'm trying not to harbor ill will over it. I stayed home two days this week with a fever. By the second day, I was running out of crap to watch on TV and bored with inactivity. I decided to wash all of the comforters, Lysol the pillows and the rest of the house and change the sheets on the beds. It's a challenge to change the sheets on my bed on a good day. The mattress sits down into the bed frame and the bed is pressed up against one wall. I always feel like I'm roping and tying up a calf while I am wrangling the fitted sheet onto the bed. On a bad day, the act of putting that fitted sheet onto the bed feels like the last thing you'll ever do. But I did it! We all slept on clean sheets that night. 

Some times at the end of a week I find that I am truly thankful for the simplest of things. Particularly when that week has been emotionally and physically difficult. I have been quick to anger and easily brought to tears. My patience is thin and my give a shit level is low (or high depending on how you look at it). I communicate in the least amount of words I can get by with just to be on the safe side of not snapping a head off or hurting feelings. I've taken very few pictures and written very few words. I've shoved ugly memories away and wondered why after five years it doesn't get easier. It just gets more complicated. I am happy with the direction my life has taken, yet sad about. Guilty not guilty. Not lonely but lonely. Missing without missing.

These are weeks when gratitude takes effort. I am thankful for Kleenex and ibuprofen. I am thankful for those clean sheets I put on the bed even though the act of doing so almost made me pass out. I am thankful for the Spring like temperatures we have here today. I am thankful that I am no longer running a fever. I am thankful for lemons and honey and echinacea. I am thankful for kind notes from friends. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend of healing and a beautiful Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Walk!

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 4 likes

Monday evening, I got home from work and the sun was still up and the temperatures where near sixty. I wrangled Josephine into her walking harness and hooked on her leash just as she grabbed the middle section of her leash and pulled towards the door. She always wants to be clear; she is walking me and not the other way around. We stepped outside and headed out onto the sidewalk with Josephine's little feet dancing from smell to smell. We walked to the park where Josephine sniffed noses with another pooch who was there with his people and wiggled her butt at other walkers on the trail. 

It has been months since I have taken Josephine for a walk after work. The lack of daylight and cooler weather just zapped me. I gave it a good try and ended up walking in the dark for a while, Michael didn't care for that. He bought me a personal alarm that I am supposed to clip to my coat. There's a plastic pin, like a grenade, that I pull if someone is attacking me and the clip starts screeching in a loud high pitched alarm sound. When he gave it to me, he clipped it to my coat and said "Okay. Someone's coming at you. What do you do?" I grabbed the pin and threw it across the living room. In the scramble to retrieve the pin and stop the alarm, Michael knocked the pin under the china cabinet that has a very low clearance with the floor. His giant man hands had a hard time recovering the pin. If the attacker feels like he needs to go after the pin and things turn out like they did for Michael, I think I'll be fine. Any way, it is not the dark that upsets me as much as it is the cold. 

We've reached that part of winter where it is obviously still winter. Today's temperatures are in the thirties, but occasionally there's a mix up (or global warming...it's really because of global warming) and we get a day that is filled with sun and Spring like temperatures. I am always thankful for those days and do what I can to make the most of the sunshine. I am even more thankful that this opportunity presented itself at the beginning of the week. It set a tone of calmness and reflection that I have not been making enough time for and the result has been reflected in my response to conflict. I've taken a moment to reason before reacting. This does not mean I'm backing down from my fight against racism and anti-science and all of the other horrible things the Trump administration represent. It just means I won't stoop to the level of "your mother" in my attacks and defenses. My weapons are truth and reasoning and critical thinking. My goal is not to increase the divide but to convince those on the other side to have compassion and empathy for others not like them. "Do unto others...."

On Tuesday, I discovered four eggs in the chicken coop. On Wednesday I went to yoga class and discussed setting up a time with Shannon to go over the workshop I have developed for yoga straps. On Thursday, I spent a minute laying in a sunny windowsill. On Friday, I re-watched a video that Amy sent me from Charolette that began with "Cindy...I love you." and ended with "chickens poop and eggs come out." This has been a good week filled with gratitude. I hope that you have had moments in the week to be thankful for as well. Here's to a quiet weekend and a very Thankful Friday.