THANKFUL FRIDAY

Good morning.

"Good morning."

Here's a list of things that I am thankful for this week:

• My friends and family are all safe and sound after tornadoes moved through Oklahoma Wednesday night. I didn't even know tornadoes where happening there until the next day when I received a message from Michael's mom asking if my family was OK. A quick text to mom and glance on facebook confirmed that everyone was good, but Katrina lost a flag pole. 
• I have walked well over the recommended 10,000 steps every day this week and I've been on my mat every single day. I have not been feeling all that kind about my body for a few months now. The idea of buying a new swimsuit (which I will need for our summer vacation this year) has me teary. It's just so depressing. I know this is ridiculous. There are women of all shapes and sizes on ModCloth right now sporting a swimsuit and looking fabulous. My body is no different. Except I can't see that. I look down and see lumpiness. Thursday, while sitting in gomukhasana, I saw my reflection in the window and did not recoil at the person staring back. 
• My brother turns a year older on Sunday. I think he's pretty cool so I'm glad he's survived another year to celebrate. He helped influence the music I listen too and gave me a greater appreciation of the art of comic books. He reminds me that sometimes things are just best represented in black and white. He's also really smart.
• Fruit
• Chocolate covered fruit
• Though the temperatures have been too brisk for scooter riding, the sun has been out most of this week. We got some much needed rain two days this week, but it's been glorious sun all the other days. 
• Josephine's newly acquired skill of using the dog door has done wonders for my morning routine. She hops inside and outside and inside and outside and inside and outside all by her little self. We have been accident free for more than a week. I will not count this morning in which she threw up on the rug after swallowing all of her food whole. At least she helped me clean that accident up (gross).
• You guys. 'Cause all of you are super amazing.

 I think that's a pretty good list of things to be grateful for this week. Hope you have a great weekend and an even better Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Bud. #365

"Bud. #365"

Having a gratitude practice, I think, makes you more aware of the ungratefulness around you. I've also noticed that I am more aware of selfish gratitude. "I'm so thankful for this swimming pool of money I can dive into every day." Actually, I've never heard that exact sentence, but I think it's a good example. Really though, it's the lack of gratitude that gets to me the most. Sometimes it even makes me feel slightly ill. Hearing someone be ungrateful has become that nails on the chalkboard sound that every one hates. It's even worse when the ungratefulness is directed right at me. 

I picked up a new Frozen cup for the Cabbage over the weekend and when I pulled it out of the shopping bag and handed it to her, she said "I have two Frozen cups at my mom's house." Later on she requested peaches, peas, four chicken nuggets and a hot dog for dinner. I made all of those things and when I set it in front of her, she said "why didn't you cut up the peaches?" Last time I cut up the peaches I got "why DID you cut up the peaches?" All of these times Michael has instantly jumped in to tell her how her responses are rude and ungrateful. Her words still sting and I have to remind myself that she is a four year old. Gratitude is a learned behavior. We start off with this perfect little baby that we wait on hand and foot, taking care of every need before they even know they need it. Then one day that baby is a child with functioning motor skills and we realize "hey, you can wipe your own butt." It's got to feel as sudden to them as having a rug pulled up under their feet. There's got to be a moment when they realize "Wait. You expect me to do things for myself?" I'm sure for those not inclined to self reliance that this moment of realization is scary. 

Gratitude comes with time and knowledge and experience. For some, gratitude is learned through loss. Struggle is an excellent teacher of gratitude. Combined, loss and struggle can be the drill Sargent to gratitude boot camp. I'd rather the Cabbage learn gratitude in a more gentler kinder way because I believe that understanding gratitude is one of the ways you survive loss and struggle. So, we are working on gratitude in our house. I am mindful to thank the Cabbage for every little act as simple as throwing her candy wrapper in the inside trash. We have inside and outside trash. Outside trash is recycling and every time she has to throw something away she asks "inside trash or outside trash?" even though 98% of the time it's inside trash. If I ask her to do something, I always thank her for doing the task. I keep thinking that eventually she will notice and the words and actions will begin to sink in. But I also want her to learn that gratitude is more than being thankful for stuff or for being waited on. Snippets of time. Opportunities of joy. Moments of happiness. I want her to learn the importance of being thankful for all of those things. 

This week I am thankful for the reminder of patience and the need for kindness and gentleness. I am thankful for the rain even though it slowed Michael's progress on the chicken coop. I am thankful for the sun that has come out to greet us today, on our first day of Spring. I am thankful for the beautiful weather expected this weekend mostly because I know that it means scooter rides. Of course, and as always, I am thankful for you.

Here's to a sunny weekend and bright Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Moment in the sun.

"Moment in the sun."

Gratitude. It's come to that time in the week where I sit down and reflect on things that I am grateful for during the week. Really, the first thing that comes to mind is that I'm kind of thankful this week is winding to an end. I'm not the type that likes to do that sort of thing. It sounds too whiny and the week hasn't been terrible. It has just been long and constant and busy. I'm looking forward to a weekend where I have zero plans except for a haircut on Sunday. There has been talk of cleaning up the back yard and maybe even having a fire pit night. I was thinking about that this morning as I washed my breakfast dishes. It is a Cabbage weekend. Visions of roasting hot dogs (tofu dogs) and marshmallows popped into my head. Then I thought "why stop there? Let's get out the tent and sleep in the backyard!" 

So, I guess, it's the weather that I am really grateful for this week. I've ridden the scooter to work every day except for Monday. The starting temps that day where just a little too cold. I  slept with the windows open last night and when I left for work this morning you could smell the ground thawing. Which reminds me. I have got to order seeds this weekend. For real this time. I noticed the mint peeking up through the dirt yesterday. Obviously mint is the plant that can convince any one that they are master gardeners or really bad at keeping their garden weed free. Even the dog is happy. Yesterday Josephine found a stick and stretched her legs out behind her with her belly on the warm grass and chewed and chewed. I am thankful to be able to step outside without wincing in discomfort from feeling the cold sting my bones. I am thankful for a weekend that promises to be nice enough to spend so much time outside. 

Michael starts his spring break this week. He has grand plans for his time off and one of those plans include building a chicken coop. He said to me this morning "this time next week we may very well have our own chickens." I gave him a questionable look and he said "I'm building a coop next week!" He's a city boy. Still, I'm sure he knows that building a coop does not mean building chickens. He's just very excited. I'm coming home to little wooden chickens aren't I? Any way. I'm super thankful that he gets to have this week off to tinker and do whatever. I bet if I play my cards right, I will not have to make dinner at all next week. I am thankful for the simple evenings we've had this week. I am thankful for walks with the dog. I am thankful that we only have four more episodes of House of Cards left because it is such a time suck. And as always, I am thankful for you. 

Hope your weekend is full of sunshine and you have the most thankful of Thankful Fridays.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Still alive.

"Still alive."

Last night, General Tso's Tofu was on the menu. Only when I opened up the recipe and read the part about drying the tofu for thirty minutes and then marinating it for at least another thirty minutes, I lost the will to live. That's dramatic. I did not lose the will to live, but I had had a very long and slightly frustrating afternoon and waiting for two hours for dinner just didn't sound appealing. I said to Michael "I don't want to make this." He ordered us sandwiches. I am really good about sticking to the menu plan. In hindsight, I should have prepped the tofu yesterday, but 20/20. There are just some nights when the menu that was planned with good intentions turns into a mission impossible. Those nights make me feel like a failure. 

I know deep down that this is entirely untrue. Yesterday, I found a way to help every person that came to me with a problem. I got on my yoga mat. I walked about 12,000 steps. I ate mung beans with rice and kale for lunch. I drank more than eight glasses of water. I washed my face before bed and brush and flossed my teeth. That orchid I bought over a month ago is still very much alive. I make my bed every morning before sitting down to a healthy breakfast and I get to work well before time. I am not a failure. The failure comes from not being able to complete the task and therefore, I can not fail at something that I did not even attempt. Nor does one minor moment of the day define the day entirely. We are all constantly striving for that unobtainable perfection. I am thankful for the little successes throughout my days even if it's just the simple act of making the bed. I am also very thankful that Michael went and got us sandwiches. 

Tomorrow, Michael and I will be day drinking for charity. It is the annual AIDS Walk Open which is a mini-golf pub crawl fundraising event for the Kansas City AIDS Walk. I missed last  year for some reason and Michael who used to bar tend at one of the participating bars has only ever been a witness. This will be his first AIDS Walk Open. I am thankful for Terry because he's the one that always organizes us together for these things. I think we may be a little like herding cats, but Terry takes it all in stride. He makes sure we all get started with a good breakfast and packs a backpack with  snacks. I'm thinking of doing a special video post about the whole thing as a way to kick off my fundraising (begging for money) for this year's AIDS Walk. So keep your eye's peeled for that.

Other things I am thankful for this week? Josephine has started telling us when she needs to go out and she's starting to tackle the steps all by herself. It may be time to get the dog doors refurbished. The temperatures are just a few degrees warmer and there's a rumor that we will see temps in the seventies next week. Once again, I am thankful for you. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The other night, I stepped outside to walk to the car after yoga class and I noticed that the air smelled almost sweet. It was the same smell that follows a gentle Spring or early Summer rain. I popped my head up to look out through the parking garage and that's when I saw that it was indeed raining. Later on in the evening that rain would turn into teeny tiny snow flakes and leave everything outside looking like it had been dusted with flour. But in that small moment, still hazy from final relaxation, I could almost believe that it was Spring and that if I looked out I would see tulips and daffodils. I know that it was just a tease. Today there is no doubt that it is winter. Little snow flakes decorate my weather widget for the next couple of days. Yes, I was being teased by mother nature, but I was also once again being reminded that Winter's days are numbered. I'm thankful for that reminder. February has passed like the blink of an eye and we are heading into March roaring like a lion. We've all made it this far. I think we'll survive to see the tulips at the end of March. 

I am thankful for many things on this last Friday of February besides the promise of Spring. Today, maybe even as you're reading this, I am traveling to Oklahoma to celebrate the union of Misti and Mark (or Mark and Misti, M&M). I am thankful that Misti has found a partner who makes her life happy. It is unfortunate that Michael and the Cabbage aren't able to go. We just couldn't get the scheduling worked out, but I will not be traveling to Oklahoma alone! I nudged Talaura into flying to KCMO and riding to Oklahoma with me. She and her little dog (with a big heart) Sarge will be keeping me company as I drive us through the great Flint Hills of Kansas. The last time Talaura flew to KCMO and drove with me to Oklahoma it was for Chris's celebration of life service. Not really the best trip. Sort of sad and funny at the same time because we do have a good sense of humor. But it's nice to be making this trip for much happier reasons. I'm thankful to have Talaura and Sarge's company for the drive down. We chat just about every day, but it's not the same as seeing her face and being able to hug her neck. 

Lots of things happening this weekend. Apparently we're traveling into some weather, but I haven't really paid much attention to that. I'm thankful that I learned to drive on icy roads and now have experience in snowy conditions. I do not for see any travel problems. I have good company for the ride down. This is all that really matters. I am thankful for a weekend where we all can gather to celebrate love. Really celebrate. I know, as we grow older, we are more likely to gather to celebrate a life of a loved one lost. That's just the way of things. So these moments where we can all come together for no other reason but to share in the joy of the legally binding of two households are moments to squeeze and hold tight. 

I am thankful that Josephine was not a jerk to Sarge. I am thankful that I successfully completed my latest assignment for Python class without any outside help (I'm learning to write code! Not to be confused with write in code. Running computers kind of code.). I am thankful for you. 

Here's to a weekend of great joy and a super duper Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last night I dreamt of Hanuman. #365

"Last night I dreamt of Hanuman. #365"

I've been doing this meditation thing before I lay down for savasana lately. I take a few minutes to sit and focus on all of the chakras. Each chakra has a color associated to it. ROY G BIV. That's how I remember it because it's just like wavelengths in physics. Red for the root. Orange for the belly. Yellow for the solar plexus. Green for the heart. Blue for the throat. Indigo for the forehead (third eye) and  violet for the crown of the head. To help me stay focused, I associate certain things or memories to each color.  

Violet reminds me of the lilacs that bloomed every year at the old house. When I think of them I can smell them and remember how I  always thought that this was the best smell in the whole wide world. Indigo is the color of my yoga blanket which is my favorite yoga prop. Sometimes I just wrap it around me for no reason at all. Blue reminds me of the alien opera singer in Fifth Element. I think this is a good visualization for the throat chakra and sometimes I hum a little of that tune. Green reminds me of lounging in the grass in Central Park on a hot July day. I took off my shoes and felt the soft cool grass tickle my toes. Yellow is always the sun and I can feel it warming me from my center and out through my limbs and head. Orange makes me think of Chris's scooter which in turn makes me think of Michael's scooter and how much fun it is to ride around town together. And red is always Katrina because she loves everything red and that color is forever linked with her.

These are the things I think of while I sit quietly with my eyes gently closed. Sometimes all of those colors flash just behind my closed eyelids.  Sometimes  the memory or image for that color changes, but it's always something that makes me smile. There have been so many Thankful Friday entries where I express my gratitude for my practice on my mat. The thing is, I'm not sure that I can ever be grateful enough. I think of the person I was before and the person I am today and I see how my practice is grown beyond the poses, beyond the yoga is only exercise idea of yoga. When I picture that sun resting just under my heart, I can feel the warmth of it heating me from the inside out and on days when it's nineteen degrees out, I desperately need that sun. I am grateful for peace of mind and confidence my practice gives me and thankful for the joy it brings to me. But today, I am most thankful for the bright colors of memories that it holds.

What else? I've written about 1400 words since the beginning of Lent (for some reason I feel Lent should be LENT). That's not counting the words I put here. Baby steps. I am thankful for nubby tail wags. I am thankful for peaceful evenings snuggled on the couch. And of course, of course, I am always thankful for you. 

Stay warm this weekend and have a super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One of the most recognizable symbols of Valentine's Day is Cupid, the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection. Often Cupid is depicted with a bow and arrow. The idea is that once you are struck by Cupid's arrow you will be filled with uncontrollable desire or fall madly in love or something like that. When I read this description of Cupid, I thought "how terrible!" It completely changed my original view of the bow and arrow wielding deity. My idea of Cupid has been shaped by cartoons and movies. Being hit with Cupid's arrow means that you will find your one true love. Zip, zing, pow. You are in love. According to the movies. I have never felt that zip, zing, pow. It could just be because I am a somewhat reserved person. I have, how ever, been in love. It has always been matter of fact, I love this person without all the bells and whistles that fiction books talk about. That doesn't mean that I have been lacking in romance. 

Back in the day, I used to collect Disney movies. I had grown up watching these movies, but I also loved the art work that adorned each case. Any one who knows anything about Disney movies, know that they only released them at certain times for a certain amount of time and then they'd go back in the "vault". So this kind made them a collectors item. I was never good at buying things for myself. I'd hear that one would be coming out and get excited, but never go buy it. Chris used to buy them without telling me and then he'd sneak it into the stack of all the other videos. He'd just sit back and wait until I'd discover it. Sometimes it would be days before I would realize there was new video on the shelf. When I'd finally see the new video on the shelf, I would gasp and jump for joy and then we'd laugh about how long it had been sitting there. 

There was a day this week that I thought I could let pass without incident or thought. I believed that I could just go about my day without thinking or remembering or maybe remembering, but being at peace with it all. Instead, I spent the day either crying at my desk or trying not to cry at my desk. When I said all of this to Michael, he said that I should cry at my desk on such a day and that I should do it every year. He said "You loved and were loved back." It is the part where he says that I was loved back that resonated in me. Because that's the part I don't always consider. That's where Cupid fails us. He forgets that, though it's important to love, it's just as important to know that you are loved in return. On my second date with Michael, he took me to see the stars. Literally. He took me to a roof top observatory at the local college. We saw Venus and the surface of the Moon. Then, after we'd been dating for a few weeks, he bought a scooter. He bought a scooter because of me. Now he convinces me to take crazy scooter rides, even on days where I feel like I have too many other things to do. Did I mention he's building me a chicken coop? These are real Valentines. 

I may or may not have been hit with Cupid's arrow. Uncontrollable desires should be left to needs like having an uncontrollable desire to eat a cookie or dance or sing. I am thankful that I have had plenty of those kinds of desires.  I have loved. I love. I am thankful for that. But I am just as thankful, maybe more so, to know that I was loved and that I am loved. I can tell you that feels way better than any zip, zing or pow. 

I am thankful for surprise boxes that just show up in the mail. I am thankful for quiet evenings. I am thankful for ramen noodles and I am as always thankful for you. Here's to knowing that you are a loved and beautiful Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am hesitant to say the things that I am thinking today. Chris would be forty four today, if he were still walking around on this planet. When I think of Chris's birthday, memories go immediately to his last one. I hate that.  Not that it was particularly horrible. Chris was surrounded by friends. There was everything jambalaya and cupcakes. There was plenty of laughter. It's just that all of us knew that this was his last birthday. It was a bitter sweet celebration. Instead of letting my thoughts travel back to that day, I will send them to a different birthday.

When we were in graduate school, we spent almost every Friday evening at Stonewalls. We all met there right at five o'clock. The first one there claimed a table and a pitcher. Chris's birthday rolled around and I decided to have a little surprise party for him at Stonewalls. It was of course Star Wars themed. I had a table cloth and plates and napkins all with Star Wars stuff on it. Even the cake was a Star Wars cake. The only thing I had to do was figure out a way for everyone else in our group to get into Stonewalls before Chris. I gave Tiffany the task of stalling Chris. She came up with some story about how I was pregnant and afraid to tell him. Why this was the story I have no idea, but I can imagine the two of them standing in the alley next to Stonewalls deep in discussion while all our friends passed by one by one to enter the bar. Finally, every one was there that needed to be there and Tiffany brought Chris into the bar.  We all yelled "SURPRISE!" and he was thoroughly surprised. Then I had to explain to Chris that I was not pregnant. We all had a lovely time drinking beer and eating cake for dinner. 

This year I'm not so sure that it is not a coincidence that Chris's birthday has fallen on a day that I choose to write about gratitude. I can look at this day with dread and sadness and depression. I can remember the last moments when things were at their worst or I can look at this day and reflect on all of the good times. The time for sadness is over. From the moment Chris passed on from this world, we have talked about celebrating the life he had. We do not celebrate with tears unless they are happy tears. We remember with joy the greatness, the laughter, and the love that was Chris. I am grateful for every birthday I was able to share with Chris. I am grateful to have been a part of this man's life. I am grateful for all of those people who love Chris. We were all very lucky. So say we all.

I am thankful for play time with puppies, time spent on my mat and cuddles on the couch. I am thankful for the warmer temperatures and weekend full of promise. And I am always, always, thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a special Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today's puppy pic

"Today's puppy pic"

Our dog is a genius. Well...maybe genius isn't the right word. More like OCD. I started out with doing a terrible job at crate training during the night. The idea was that she'd go to bed when I go to bed. The first night, she sort of zonked out in my lap and so I was able to easily scoop her up and into the crate. She fell right back to sleep. No problem. Then she woke up around midnight whimpering. I took her out to go potty and when we came back in, I put her back in her crate. Where she cried. And cried. And cried. I know the rules of this game is to let her cry it out, but this was her first night without any litter mates or other dogs. She was alone in her crate and I just kept thinking about that scene in Big where Tom Hanks has to sleep in that scary motel all by himself. I broke. Josephine ended up in my bed that night and the next night. 

So there were two nights where I woke up with a dog sleeping across my neck or I was being chewed on. The third night of this routine was the same night that a cough had decided to add itself to this lingering flu funk. I got up and took her out around midnight and then brought her back to bed with me. Except Josephine was all "PLAY TIME!" and with me cough cough coughing, I said "No thank you." I put her back in her crate. She whined for a minute and then I didn't hear a peep out of her. Wednesday night, Josephine was running around the house while Michael and I got things like our lunches together for the next day. I went into the bedroom to find her and tell her that it was time for bed, but I didn't see her. Then I looked and she was already in her crate laying on her bed. She put herself to bed. That's not even the best part. She stayed in bed all night. No midnight potty run or nothing. 

We're still working on the whole potty training thing. The few times she's had an accident in the house have been times that we were not really paying attention. The other morning I was washing dishes when I heard her whining. I ignored it because she'd just been outside and had done all of the things not twenty minutes earlier. When I finally went to check on her, she'd pooped on the floor. My bad. I did not scold her, but I scolded myself for not listening. I am thankful that she is picking up the routine so quickly. I think she may be a smart little cookie. A smart bitey little cookie. I am thankful that she hasn't introduced as much chaos as I had thought a new puppy would. I am thankful for her warm soft cuddles and her puppy breath and I'm thankful for the playfulness she's brought to this house. She will attack a leaf like nobodies business.

I am thankful for the day this week that was 70 degrees even though I was still to yucky to ride my scooter. I am thankful that I am (slowly) recovering. I am thankful for chili cheese perogies. I am thankful for that night this week when I realized I needed cough drops and Michael had already put his pj pants on, but he volunteered to go get me some any way. And of course, as always, I am truly thankful for all of you. Here's to a super (bowl) weekend and a fantastic Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. Mom was born January 15, 1941. You do the math. Almost a year later, Japan would attack Pearl Harbor and Pepaw (Mom's Dad) would enlist in the Navy. My mom was a baby during the second world war. She was a teenager in the 1950s, bee-bopping to the tunes of Elvis and first hand witness to school desegregation. When the sixties rolled around, she would become a wife and mother. She's seen a lot. She's done a lot. And she's still doing and seeing a lot.

If I had to describe my mom in one word, it would be resourceful. She can turn a simple bean into a magical beanstalk. When mom wasn't working a full time job, she was crafting up a storm and selling her crafts in craft fairs all around Oklahoma. She could make an exact replica of any costume even if it had been sketched by a five year old. I had doll dresses for my dolls that matched my dresses. She turned an old kettle drum into a planter in the front yard. She invented hose gloves (special gloves you wore while putting on your panty hose so you wouldn't accidentally poke a finger nail through them). And probably every woman at our old church had a Christmas pin pinned to their coat that was made by Mom. All she needed to make one was a bit of white felt, a twig of holy and her glue gun. She is the MacGyver of crafts. In fact, when I called her yesterday morning, she was in the middle of hanging a cabinet door back onto her kitchen cabinets. She'd taken it off the day before to paint it. I am thankful for Mom's resourcefulness. I have benefited from many a magical beanstalks.  I am grateful for her lessons in creativity. She was my first art teacher. I am also thankful and fortunate that Mom is still reasonably healthy so she can keep on keeping on.

I have walked miles and miles this week and I'm thankful for each one. I am thankful for the sunlight that spilled onto my yoga mat while I was practicing yoga. I am thankful that the tofu taco recipe I made up in my head turned out to be a winner especially with a member of the household who is a big tofu hater. I am thankful for the puppy play pen Bec gave us just because she thought we could use it. It's fifty degrees outside right this minute and I am so thankful for that. I might just go put on shorts (not really). I am thankful for that day this week where the Jens and I spent an afternoon sending silly facebook "stickers" back and forth in chat. Seriously ya'll, I am (as always) super duper thankful for all of you. 

Here's to a blessed weekend and a wonderful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Earlier this week we all stood at our office window watching a gaggle of firemen and police officers trying to determine what exactly was sitting on top of the frozen Brush Creek near the bridge where our homeless guy lives. We'd noticed something that resembled a sleeping bag out in the middle of the creek earlier that day. I guess someone finally called it in to authorities. One of the firemen suited up in a special thermal suit and crawled out on the ice to investigate. We stood at the window watching with bated breath. Our fear was that something had happened to our homeless guy and that fireman was going to pull a body out of that sleeping bag. The fireman made his way to the sleeping bag, unzipped it and then reached inside and pulled out....straw. The sleeping bag was full of straw. And we all sighed with relief. 

Our homeless guy has been living under that bridge for over five years now. At least that's what one our security guards told me this week. We've all taken him things from left over food to bottles of water. I've never personally handed him anything. Every time I've gone near there, he is no where to be found. There's a spot that we treat like his mailbox or doorstep. That's where we leave the things that we hope will make his day better. I like to think that we all kind of keep an eye on him. Every morning I have gone outside to warm up our cars grumbling at the bitter cold, but then run inside to the warmth of my home. I am thankful for the reminder that I am fortunate and for the reminder that it's time to do more to help those who are less fortunate. I think I'll be leaving a new sleeping bag or maybe a packet of hand warmers for our homeless guy this weekend. I am so thankful he was not in that sleeping bag on the ice.

Though the weather has been bitter cold and just plain awful, every morning as I have left for work I have been greeted with the most spectacular sunrises. The sky in the East has been splashed with the most vivid shades of pinks and gray. The beauty of it has mixed with the cold to rob me of my breath. I am grateful for the reminder that even when winter seems so dull and bleak, there are moments of great beauty. All you have to do is open your eyes to see them. I am thankful for this week of back to usual. I am thankful for the daily photo prompts from Epiphanie because they have been a good creative kick that I desperately needed. I am of course, thankful for you. I hope this first full week of the New Year has treated with kindness. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is what I woke to.

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

When I posted a picture of yesterday's snowfall on facebook, I could practically hear Jen's squeals from here. She's always so envious of the amount of snow that we see up here. I'd love to package it all up and send it to her for Christmas. It really is beautiful. Every thing about Christmas includes snow. As a kid growing up in Oklahoma, a White Christmas was often dreamed of, but rarely seen. We used to pray that enough snow would fall to go sledding just once or build a snowman. There was a time when I was more durable to the cold weather and would spend hours trekking up a hill and sliding down on an inner tube over and over until all the snow was worn away to grass and mud.

These days I have to be reminded by others that I am lucky to have snow at Christmas. I don't know when the switch happened, but snow or no snow, my body aches with the cold. I sort of curl up like an armadillo. I just need to invest in legitimate winter clothing and suck it up. It was thirty two degrees when I left work yesterday and a guy on a small Kawaski motorcycle passed me. I was shivering in my car that hadn't had time to warm up. I have no idea how that guy on the motorcycle was dealing with riding in the cold. He's managed to hang onto that intolerance we all used to have as kids. I am thankful for this reminder to thicken my skin. 

This was our first real snowfall of the season and I was completely surprised by it. I have to admit that even though I wanted to crawl back into bed at the sight of it, I still felt that spark of glee at the sight of the white layer of it. As I walked over to the gym during my lunch break, I felt the cold on my face and as I inhaled, I could smell the snow. I smiled to myself as I noticed the distinct sent of it. The smell of rain in the Spring time can smell sweet with a hint of dirt. The Fall rains are musty, but in the winter, when the rain turns to snow, the smell is clean. There's almost a hint of bleach to it and a bit of saltiness. I am thankful for that spark of glee. I am thankful for that smell of clean. I am also thankful that this was a relatively easy first snowfall. There was no shoveling. The roads were clear and the snow brushed away from the car with one simple swipe.  

I am thankful for colored packages tied up with ribbon. I am thankful for the daily piece of chocolate from the advent calendar. I am thankful for each and every Christmas card that has come our way. And I am always thankful for you. Here's to a festive weekend as we begin to spiral our ways into this Holiday. And a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

OK. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Go! 

I've been staring at this blank space for hours. That's a lie. I've had it open in another window while I browsed around in other windows wasting time. I'm not purposefully avoiding this entry. I'm just not into writing today. Which is ridiculous because I don't have much else to do today. I did write an actual pen and paper letter to my niece. Then I realized that I do not have her address or even if she'll be at her current address long enough to get the letter before she moves out. She's young and has not much of anything to hold her down. She can be as free as a bird as she'd like to be right now. 

I can't even remember what it was like to be just turning twenty one without a care in the world. Then again I was never the typical teen/young adult. On high school band trips, I hung out with the grown ups. I got married a few months after turning twenty one and jumped head first into graduate school. I never took any time off to wander off the beaten path. My life has always been properly scheduled. There's this irrational side of me that wants to scream at my niece to dump all of the things. Save only enough stuff that you need and that will fit in a pack and go. Travel the world. Work as a maid in France. Work at a call center in Delhi. Wait tables at a cafe in London. But most importantly, see everything. I can feel her mother reaching for the duct tape now to cover my mouth. 

I hear stories from some of the people around me who took time between college and graduate school to do those things. There's a part of me that is always so envious. Why didn't I take time to do that? Then I remember the path I chose instead. For the most part it was a very straight and narrow path. It lacked the adventure of continental travel but it did not lack the adventure of life and love and laughter. I have zero regrets in this and I am truly thankful for it. I found my own way and I'm still navigating that path because nothing is set in stone. As with any highway system, we all know there are areas of construction that slows us down, detours, unexpected land slides and even though I worry about how my niece will navigate her own path, I know that it is her path to find. That's part of the adventure. I am thankful that she is surrounded by family and friends that can help guide her. 

What else? I am thankful for the truck ride dream I had with Dad this week. I am thankful for lists (of all things). There's been a cold bug thing floating around the house for a week. It started with me last Friday, just a mild case, and settled on Michael Wednesday. It looks (and almost sounds) like he's on the mend. I am thankful for this, but just to be on the safe side, the house will get a nice Lysol coating this weekend. The first Christmas cards arrived yesterday. I love seeing how everyone's kids have grown. I am thankful that you all think of me and remember to keep on your Christmas card list (lists!). I am always so thankful for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

Side Note: Need some random gift for someone? Why not buy them a print or a laptop skin or a phone case. My shop is open and there's free shipping on purchases of $50 or more!  http://nuvango.com/elephantsoap

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A glimpse of the plaza lights

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I don't understand what's happening in this country recently and I'm having a really hard time talking about the things I am grateful for this week without sounding vapid and shallow. I see a serious imbalance of justice happening around me and I feel powerless to stop it. It didn't start with Ferguson and Michael Brown and it hasn't ended with Eric Garner. It's just that these particular incidents are the ones that have set most of us off with an "Enough!". 

I hear people around me discussing the protests and riots in Ferguson. They all talk about how the protests and riots make little sense. They use terms like "they" "them" and "those people". Of course these voices I'm hearing are coming from white privileged people and they don't realize that when say things like "those people" they are adding another barrier, another wall of separation. Because there is no them or they or those people. There is only us and we all share this space. "I just can't imagine." This is something I heard from people often after Chris died. Any time someone would say that to me, I'd want to scream at them. Of course you can't imagine what it's like to go through what I've gone through. Who sits around and daydreams about their loved one getting sick and dying of cancer? You can't imagine it because you've never experienced it. I've heard that same phrase often in the past few weeks in regards to Ferguson, except instead of death being the unimaginable thing, it's the destruction of public property. I think this is such a myopic way to look at it because it's not about broken windows or burnt out cars. It's about discrimination. It's about being shoved down and pushed around so many times that you start shoving and pushing back. If someone attacks you, don't you fight back? Human instinct usually is to fight back.

No, as a white woman I can't imagine what it's like to be judged because the color of my skin. I can't imagine what it's like to spend every day under suspicion. I can imagine though that over time, that constant judgment and suspicion can wear down a person. I also know that I would never want to be judged for the color of my skin. I would never want to be judged period. And I think that's what I want to say to the people talking around me. Would you want to be treated that way? I've heard people bitch and moan about a cop pulling them over and handing out a ticket for speeding or running a red light. What if that cop was pulling you over for no other reason than he didn't like the way you looked? Again. Would you want to be treated that way? Now it's very clear that if you are a black person, you're not only going to lose a maybe perfect driving record, you may also lose your life. 

I am thankful for the voices that speak up and out. I am thankful for those voices who will not give up in this fight. I am thankful for those voices who inspire others to speak up and fight against injustice. I am thankful for those of us who can see that there is a serious problem here and an imbalance of justice. I am thankful for those of us who see this problem and desperately want to help to make a change. 

THANKFUL LOVE THURSDAY

Us

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I just got sent to my room to write this entry. I had mentioned last night that I hadn't written anything for today and figured I would let it go this week, but apparently Michael grew tired of me standing in the dining room looking for something to do. So he sent me here. Very soon, in just a short hour or so, this house will be full. The kitchen is already warm from the oven as Michael is preparing the turkey he so excited about. For now, though, it is quiet. The Cabbage is still in her pajamas watching My Little Pony and I'm sitting here in my bed writing this post. 

As I stood in the bathroom getting ready this morning, a prayer song came to me. It's one we all know. "We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing..." I may not be a religious person but that doesn't mean I am irreverent. All across this nation people are gathering today to eat a lot of food, to watch parades and football. Plenty are even putting together their game plan for grabbing Holiday deals on Black Friday. Even with all of that going on, I am sure everyone of us will take a moment, one simple quiet moment, to give thanks. 

Today, I am grateful for my past. I am thankful for the love and life I had with Chris, the stupid silly moments I had with J and the simple crazy adventures I had with my Dad. I am thankful for all of the moments I was blessed to share with them. 

Today, I am grateful for my present. I am thankful for the love and life I have with Michael and the added bonus of the Cabbage. Two for the price of one. We filled out paper work yesterday for domestic partnership. Michael is slowly easing me into marriage. I am thankful for my family who could be with us today to share in our joy. 

Today I am thankful for my future. I have no way of knowing what's ahead. There are hopes and dreams, a feeling that more good things are to come. Of course there will be more loss. That is inevitable, but pain is always mixed with joy. Again, two for the price of one. There is something I do know, because often past, present and future sit together in one plane. The future holds more love, joy, silly moments and crazy adventures. 

I send peace and love to all today. Have a wonderfully Thankful Love Thursday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I had paragraphs written for today's Thankful Friday and as I read through it all, I thought to myself "that doesn't sound very grateful." What is my intention behind this whole gratitude thing on Fridays any way?  Some times it becomes a list, but I've noticed that some times it becomes a complaint. This sucks and I'm thankful that it's over, almost over, fixed or what ever kind of complaint. I am being grateful for complaining. That's gross. 

I feel change in the air. I'm ready to set my New Year's resolutions before this year has even ended. I see a reinvention of a sorts, a girl who wears a bunch of beaded bracelets on one wrist and has a lotus tattoo on the other wrist (I had a clear vision of a lotus wrapping it's petals around my wrist). I see myself pairing down all of my things and truly getting myself organized. But most importantly, I see a girl with genuine gratitude for the life she has. I feel I've maybe been lacking genuine lately.

This week I made a mistake with the bills that left us in a hole on our checking account. I was able to transfer funds from savings to bail us out of the hole and there was no damage other than my guilt of having to take money from savings. I can clearly remember a time when there wouldn't have been money in savings to cover overdrafts in my checking. I also know that there are so many people out there who don't have a savings account to cover overdrafts in their checking. I am very aware that there are those who must choose between a loaf of bread or paying the electric bill. I am not grateful that I am not that person, because I've been that person. I can be grateful that I am in a place where I can actually have a savings account even if it is a small one. I can also be grateful for the reminder to be a more responsible spender so when the opportunity arises, I can help out that person who needs a loaf of bread.

Some times it is a good idea to step back and look at our words from a different angle. Usually I will ask myself "what am I doing right now?" as way to pull my focus to this present moment. It's a mindfulness tool. Perhaps I need to consider the same kind of questioning for Thankful Friday entries. What am I truly grateful for this week? The answer to that question may result in a list at times, but it should never result in a complaint. The point of all of this is to be mindful of blessings that I have. It is a reminder for those days I wake up wanting to punch someone that I should be grateful to have the ability to get up (and punch someone if need be). Bad days are bad days. I'm not trying to sugar coat them or be all "at least I'm not that guy." What I can do is recognize the bad day with something that wasn't so bad. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants to remind me to do just that. 

I am grateful for new babies (Sarah brought her new one to work the other day and I got to hold her for almost an hour). I am grateful for the Gong Lab I signed us up for tonight. I am thankful for some pretty good things happening for friends I love dear. I am genuinely thankful for each and every kind word from you. Here's to a weekend of cleaning and Thanksgiving preparations and a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Yes it is.

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I feel like I'm rushing ahead this week. Like next week should be Thanksgiving. I even bought a bag of apples last Sunday in preparations for an apple pie on Thanksgiving. Now I realize that those apples may not survive another week. While I'm baking pumpkins for pie filling this weekend, I'll be peeling and slicing apples to store in the freezer until I'm ready to make Thanksgiving day pies. Wednesday felt like Thursday. Thursday felt like Friday. It seems that I want that snowball to roll down the mountain faster then it really wants to go. I'm not really sure where that comes from. I'm usually a "whoa Nelly!" type of person. 

I just sense great joy headed in this direction. I know that our house is soon to be filled with friends and family. I know that soon the kitchen will be filled with warmth and the smell of roasting goodness. Knowing that all of that is just around the corner, fills my heart with joy and the kind of excitement I used to have for Christmas mornings when I was little creeping down the stairs in my Christmas night gown. I am pleasantly surprised by this and thankful.

There is often a sense of dread that comes with the Holiday season. I'm not good around hustle and bustle. Large crowds make me twitchy and stabby. There is the added sadness of missing loved ones lost. The holidays are emotionally tough. I also feel an intense internal pressure to make every single human being happy, but particularly those I love. This internal pressure intensifies during the holidays and I always have this sense of panic that I'm not going to have enough time to spend with each person. And it's not you guys (I'm talking to friends and family). It's me. It's the pressure and stress I put on myself because I love you all so dang much. I am thankful for all of my friends and family. I am thankful that I have them to love so dang much. But more than anything, I am thankful that I don't have that sense of dread this holiday season. It's just not there. I am thankful that I am looking forward to this holiday.

This first snow of the season is happening on Saturday. I will always be a summer girl, but I'm working really hard at having a good attitude about the weather. I live in a part of the country that has actual seasons. It's November. Cold should be expected. I heard someone say that they had seen snow here on Halloween before. 'Tis the season. Let it snow. Thursday I made large crock-pot of jackfruit chili. I've purchased a deck of Old Maid and Go Fish and I'm considering buying a deck of Uno (because I can't find mine). There's plenty to do around the house if we don't feel like venturing out in the weather. Did I mention I have pie pumpkins that need baking? The house will be cozy this weekend for sure. I am thankful for it all. So here's to a weekend of warmth and card games. And a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunset in the side mirror

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Remember how I was harping about travel and getting away? When we went to that farm in Weston, I came back really motivated about booking a room in a bed and breakfast up there. Then I got really disappointed because every b&b was booked from now until forever. Maybe not forever, but well into the holidays. After that heart crushing blow, I started looking at other weekend getaway options and booked us the last room available for this weekend in all of MO. I guess there's something about Fall and weekend getaways. Our weekend getaway will be in Hermann MO where we will tour historic local wineries and stare at the Missouri river.  And I will shut off all electronic devices. Except for my camera on my phone. Girls scout honor. (I was never a girl scout.)(I cannot tell a lie.)

This has been a terrible first week of NaNoWriMo for me. I've written a bit here and there and I've done some minor editing which has been a mistake. What I should be doing is just writing because reading back through what I've already written is HARD. I'm hoping to settle down in front of some fireplace this weekend with a glass of (local) wine and my laptop and make some headway with this whole word count thing. I'm planning for this to be a weekend of calm before the stormy chaos of the holiday season. I'm thankful that Michael and I are taking this weekend for ourselves. We've made plans to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. The number of people coming to Thanksgiving is somewhere around six. Usually this would cause me to break out in hives and I suppose this weekend is my rest up weekend. Honestly though, I have been so present on my mat this week and so motivated to un-mold my butt from my chair that I haven't really thought about Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for these distractions.

But let me go back to something for a second. I have been present on my mat every day this week. And when I say "present" I mean that it's just been me and my mat and every thing else in the world and universe has ceased to exist. I walked away from savasana on Thursday feeling lighter and more at peace with things than I have in a really long time. I came back to my desk and Sean had brought in fancy macarons from a new bakery in Westport. Now I don't know if I was still high from savasana, but that was the best cookie I've ever eaten. I could totally taste the rainbow. I am thankful and surprised that just making the minimal effort has such a huge effect on how I feel.  

I am thankful for Ethiopian food with Tracy. I am thankful for the few words that I have written. I am thankful for stories about missing pink elephants. And? I am thankful for you. Here's to a beautifully relaxing weekend and super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It's not 4:30

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I know I shouldn't fall into that whole time change trap, but I do every year. My body feels it. Moving the clocks around always messes up my internal clock. 5:50 AM was not always the easiest time in the morning to get up, but I could do it without grumbling every day. Lately I have struggled to get up at this hour. I reach for the alarm and want to hit "snooze". Just one more hour. That's all I need. I swear it. Do you know what happens when you hit snooze? You're body resets because it thinks you're not done sleeping. So then it tries to fall back into the whole rem cycle. The next time the alarm goes off, your body goes "Noooooo......I'm in the middle of deep sleep....leave me alone!" So then it's even more difficult to get out of bed. That whole rinse and repeat with the alarm and snooze screws up the whole sleep cycle. I don't hit the snooze button too often, but I'm telling ya...I really want to hit that snooze button.

Our administrative assistant sent out an email on Wednesday reminding us all about Daylight Savings Time and to adjust our clocks Saturday night. I knew the time change was coming. I didn't know when and I was unwilling to look it up on the calendar because I didn't want it to be something to look forward too. Ever since the government changed daylight savings I've been confused about when it happens. So when I got that email on Wednesday, I felt like jumping for joy. It's really a little bit sad how happy this knowledge made me. All I could think of was how I've been wanting just one more hour and now that wish was finally going to come true. After I thought about it for a bit, I realized that I shouldn't be this excited about a time change. In fact the more I think about it the more I realize that this whole time change stuff is bullshit. That's right. I said BULLSHIT. All these years I've been forcing myself to adjust to this whole shifting of time thing when I should be making it all adjust to me. Time is relative. 

I am thankful that we're moving clocks back an hour this weekend. I am thankful for that answered wish for one more hour. But I'm also thankful for this sudden clarity that I do not have to obey the rules of time change. I am lucky enough to have the option of flexible work hours. When daylight savings starts back again in March, I'm not moving my internal clock forward. I realize that this means that I will most likely be showering around Michael in the mornings when Spring comes around, but I think that's an easier battle then my current one. Now if we could just get them to dump the whole idea of daylights savings time all together, that would be even better. 

What else? I'm thankful for trick-or-treating and painted sugar skulls. I'm thankful for the one evening we had of just being lazy on the couch. I'm thankful for a box of "icky eyes" that came in the mail from Katrina. The cabbage has laughed so much over throwing those eyeballs on the wall and watching them slowly roll down. I am thankful for the discovery of some new areas that I can't wait to go back to explore with my camera. I am thankful for inspiration. 

Have a safe and spooky Halloween and a wonderful Thankful Friday! And don't forget to set your clocks back an hour Saturday night!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Givin' me the crazy eye @mistikae

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Hey...you know when you have a secret that you really want to share, but you can't? I've been sitting on a nugget of a secret for some time now. It wasn't really my secret to share, but I knew something pretty spectacular and sweet and it was something just between me and the person who told me the secret. I am a pretty good secret keeper. It's kind of my thing in the family. I'm the secret keeper. Usually I don't have a problem with this. It doesn't bother me to hold onto some bit of news for another person, but sometimes you get a hold of some news that is just so beautiful, you want to tell the world. This was one of those secrets. It was a secret about Misti and Mark, told to me by Mark and I couldn't say a word about it to Misti. And boy howdie! That nugget of information was HARD to keep to myself. Last weekend, Mark proposed to Misti and I finally got to tell her my secret.

The weekend I went to Oklahoma for John's service, I stayed with Misti and Mark in Norman. That late afternoon, early evening a small group of us gathered on their front porch for reminiscing and wine (reminwining?). I left for a couple of hours to have diner with the Jens and Robin and when Robin and I got back to the McClellan Manor, Misti was asleep on the couch. So Robin, Mark and I sat out on the porch talking about nothing and everything. We talked about the past and relationships and the future and marriage. I learned a lot about Mark that evening. Then Mark grinned like a little boy and said "I'm gonna marry Misti." The twinkle in his eye would have rivaled Santa's. It was so authentically and honestly said and the look on his face was undeniable. It held all of the love and joy he had for Misti. My heart swelled for them. It wasn't because Mark was going to legally wed Misti one day. My heart swelled for them because I could see that marriage or no marriage that this man truly loves and wants to spend the rest of his life my friend. 

I'm really thankful to be able to spill the beans on that secret, but more than that, I am thankful for this bit of good in Misti's life. We want good things for our friends. What a week for being thankful! Engagements and babies! Such wonderful things to be thankful for. I am thankful for the time spent on my yoga mat this week and sharing my practice with a fellow teacher. I am thankful for the progress made on the bathroom. The plan is to be done with the bathroom this weekend. Micheal has pulled everything off the walls and spackled and taped and is all set to paint the trim tonight before sitting down to watch the World Series. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but the Kansas City Royals are in the World Series and it's pretty big deal. His plans are to paint the walls and ceiling tomorrow before the next game in the series starts. It's all coming together (around baseball) and I can't wait for the finished bathroom. I'm thankful for all the work he's put into getting it done quickly. 

I am thankful. For a whole bunch of wonderful. Here's to a beautiful weekend and truly Thankful Friday!