SPINNING

I took that picture the other day for my 365 Day Selfie project. The idea of it came to me while I was setting up a slide to scan on one of our microscopes. A good song had started playing on my playlist and it made me dance. I noticed the way the sweater I was wearing moved while I danced and thought it would be a good picture. I took a number of shots while spinning to get that one picture. Each time I stopped to take a breath and check takes, I was dizzy and by the time I called it quits, I was queasy. I didn't realize at the time that I would actually be capturing what was and is currently happening in my brain. I am spinning. There's a lot happening in the next few months. There's some AIDS Walk charity events that I will be involved with. I'm starting a sabbatical next month that will last for about six weeks where I get to learn a bunch of fun new science stuff. I need to finish planning the garden so we can plant the first wave of veggies. 

Then, really the thing that makes me the queasiest, I got some news about something I had written. I wrote it a while back and half heartedly submitted it and now I've been asked to maybe read it in a public setting. Maybe. When I first heard the news, I had the immediate feeling of validation and pride. This lasted for only a second before the implications actually set in. Since then I've felt like doing nothing more than curling up into a ball while breathing into a paper bag. I went back to read that story because it had been months since I had written it or read it. I had set it out of my head and even kind of forgotten some of the story. I let a friend read it and was told that it is a powerful and raw story. And after rereading it, I could not disagree. It is a very personal and vulnerable story. I think that's what has gotten me so tied up in nots. It's like I've just agreed to take off all my clothes on stage in front of the world. Which I have done for real before. I have taken a number of naked photos for 365 day projects. 

So why is this any different? 

I remember the first time I took a nude selfie. I am artfully nude in the picture with the main attention drawn to my legs. At the time I took it, I was very uncomfortable in my skin. I've always seen myself as the chubby one. This will never change. But I took a risk that day and opted for bravery and just went for it. I remember being so nervous about posting that picture. It was hard enough to to take it, let alone post it. There were so many aspects of this picture that made me so vulnerable. I had exposed my body and I had made an attempt to be creative. I received lovely reviews from fellow 365 Day group members. Every one was kind. The day after posting, one of my then online friends posted a nude photo of herself hiding behind her guitar. She was skinny and beautiful and taking this kind of photo was easy for her. It felt like I was being copied or like she was trying one up me. Her anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better mentality would eventual lead to the end of our friendship, but that first act would be the one that would make it really hard to push myself and allow myself to be vulnerable. There have been times after this where it has even been easy for me to be a little vulnerable. 

This thing, though, feels different. Worse some how. Taking my clothes off for a picture would be the easier thing to do right now. I read the piece to Michael last night and stumbled over words. He had to tell me to slow down. There was a moment when I felt the words catch in my throat. This was happening and the only one hearing the story was Michael. My stomach clinches at the idea of others hearing this story. My stomach has been clinched for days actually. I think about when I wrote that piece and how I wrote it just to clear the clutter from my head. I wrote it without the intention of sharing it. Maybe that's why it turned out to be so pure and honest. At the time of writing it, I didn't worry about what others would think of it. I didn't censor myself. Reading out loud made it feel like I was cutting myself open and turning my body inside out. The most vulnerable soul baring stories are always the hardest to share. 

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable forces you to be brave. Je suis forte. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunset in the side mirror

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

Remember how I was harping about travel and getting away? When we went to that farm in Weston, I came back really motivated about booking a room in a bed and breakfast up there. Then I got really disappointed because every b&b was booked from now until forever. Maybe not forever, but well into the holidays. After that heart crushing blow, I started looking at other weekend getaway options and booked us the last room available for this weekend in all of MO. I guess there's something about Fall and weekend getaways. Our weekend getaway will be in Hermann MO where we will tour historic local wineries and stare at the Missouri river.  And I will shut off all electronic devices. Except for my camera on my phone. Girls scout honor. (I was never a girl scout.)(I cannot tell a lie.)

This has been a terrible first week of NaNoWriMo for me. I've written a bit here and there and I've done some minor editing which has been a mistake. What I should be doing is just writing because reading back through what I've already written is HARD. I'm hoping to settle down in front of some fireplace this weekend with a glass of (local) wine and my laptop and make some headway with this whole word count thing. I'm planning for this to be a weekend of calm before the stormy chaos of the holiday season. I'm thankful that Michael and I are taking this weekend for ourselves. We've made plans to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. The number of people coming to Thanksgiving is somewhere around six. Usually this would cause me to break out in hives and I suppose this weekend is my rest up weekend. Honestly though, I have been so present on my mat this week and so motivated to un-mold my butt from my chair that I haven't really thought about Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for these distractions.

But let me go back to something for a second. I have been present on my mat every day this week. And when I say "present" I mean that it's just been me and my mat and every thing else in the world and universe has ceased to exist. I walked away from savasana on Thursday feeling lighter and more at peace with things than I have in a really long time. I came back to my desk and Sean had brought in fancy macarons from a new bakery in Westport. Now I don't know if I was still high from savasana, but that was the best cookie I've ever eaten. I could totally taste the rainbow. I am thankful and surprised that just making the minimal effort has such a huge effect on how I feel.  

I am thankful for Ethiopian food with Tracy. I am thankful for the few words that I have written. I am thankful for stories about missing pink elephants. And? I am thankful for you. Here's to a beautifully relaxing weekend and super Thankful Friday!