I'M NAKED

It was a typical Saturday morning. I was at Heirloom, eating a biscuit sandwich and writing in my Fortune Cookie journal, and I watched as a young family came in, a mom, dad and a little girl who was maybe three. She was carrying her baby doll while Mom carried a basket of Shopkins. They settled in at a table in my eyesight and I watched as the mom peeled the child’s sweater off, hearing the crackling of static as it came over the kid’s head. The little one’s hair stood out, charged with electricity and she yelled out “I’m naked!” The mom chuckled and then calmly responded “You are not naked. You have on a t-shirt.” But the little one insisted. “I’m naked!” She proceeded to randomly let all of us know that she was naked as she colored and stuffed bits of cinnamon roll into her little mouth.

Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that doll she came in with was also naked but then I started to really relate to this kid.

“I’m naked” is just another way to say “I feel vulnerable.” I am naked. I feel naked. I can feel my nakedness under these clothes and sometimes, okay … a lot of the time, it makes me want to put on more clothes. Some of this stems from being two months into the year and still not back on my usual moving routine. I can feel my skin actually touching my clothes and have been conditioned to believe that skinny girls do not allow this to happen. I have also been conditioned to believe that I will never be a skinny girl. The “I feel vulnerable” side to all of this is that I have put myself out there for some things that’s a little outside my comfort level. There’s book club where I reveal hidden wishes and an art show that got bumped to September but where I noticed that I am the only photographer in the line up. I continue to wear a shoulder strap that forces my heart to be open. One of my so called ‘bad girl’ wishes is to take some nude pictures of myself and others. I am full into a I hate my body moon phase. Probably because I’m not lifting weights or training for a marathon or doing any of the things this capitalist fitness industry says I should be doing. I refuse to fall for the “Eat this to lose weight!” click bait, but only barely. This is perfect timing for taking off all of my clothes and taking pictures of myself.

Pile on the vulnerability!

Recently, I dreamed that my friend Sarah Fox and I bought matching jumpsuits. I was in love this thing. It was high waisted with wide legs and a sexy deep v type of halter top. It was perfect, except for the whole halter top thing. I don’t know how Sarah didn’t have this problem, but my halter top would not stay in place and every time I looked down I’d have a boob peeking out from this way or that way. I was constantly tucking myself back in. We were on some kind of roadtrip and we were on a road that contained epically stunning views at every curve and hill top. At one point, I noticed that Sarah was asleep at the wheel and I said “Hey, Sarah. Wake up.” and then we laughed and laughed about it for miles. Our lives where clearly in danger but we didn’t care. In fact, we found it hilarious.

Every curve and hill, a stunning view.

Exposed and vulnerable and finding it all to be immensely hilarious.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Point

10 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Point"

Not too long ago, I came across a musician that I thought Michael would really like, so I sent him a link to her music. It’s Margo Price if you’re interested. She sounds like a young Loretta Lynn. Any way, I sent him a song or two and Michael was happy. Later, he asked me how I found out about Margo Price. I told him that sometimes, I just scroll through the new release section in Amazon Music and randomly pick a new album to listen to. Michael was shocked and exclaimed “That’s so brave!” I gave him a side eye and completely disagreed. “What if you don’t like it?” he argued. I shrugged and said “then I turn it off.” I think we have different definitions for ‘brave’.’

I recently watched Brene Brown’s Netflix special on bravery and vulnerability. There have been so many times in my life where I have been brave without ever even considering my vulnerability. I’ve thought nothing of the failure or the criticism to follow. I’ve just leaped right out of trees without considering broken bones. I will move quietly and slowely as close as I can to the buffalo for a picture without considering for a minute that I cannot out run him (get in the car, Cindy). I know that you can’t be brave without being vulnerable. I just, so often, ignored that part or avoided acts of bravery that required too much vulnerability.

My True Acts of Bravery

• Graduate school

• Getting back on my yoga mat after Jay died

• Becoming a yoga teacher

• Applying for a job I didn’t think I was smart enough for

• Moving

• Entering the world after Chris died

• Online dating

• My relationship with Michael

• Saying goodbye to Dad in my own way

• Making an appointment to see a therapist

• Any time I let someone see me ugly cry because I’ve been hit hard by a grief wave

I’m sure there are more moments I could add to that list, but the ones listed above are moments that I remember the vulnerable parts more than the act of bravery. They are moments where I’ve truly been terrified of the failure and the criticism. They are moments where I have questioned myself the most. Oh lordy, have there been failures but so many lessons learned. After watching the Brene Brown special, I started thinking about how it’s been a while since I’ve done something truly brave, something that’s required me to lay myself open and exposed. Randomly choosing a new album from an artist I’ve never heard of does not count as something that requires any of those things.

Maybe it’s time to take another leap.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Bloomers

"Bloomers"

I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother (LTYM). This was the whole reason for our impromptu getaway to St. Louis the other weekend. Naomi and Laura (the women producing the St. Louis LTYM) told me that they had over a hundred entries and were listening to forty people. I read my piece for them and they were very complimentary of my writing and very encouraging, but I did not make the final cut. I was actually relieved when I got the news. I had already started fretting about the logistics of getting to rehearsals. I have a work conference in New York the week before the performance and I was worried about how I was going to make all of that work. Then there was the part about having to actually read my piece in front of an audience. My voice cracked twice while reading to the two people at the audition. The idea of reading it front of a large crowd had already tied me in knots. So you're probably wondering why I would submit anything for consideration at all if I was just going to get crazy worked up over it. 

I needed to submit this particular piece of writing. I needed to step off a ledge and make myself a little bit vulnerable. First of all, I'm thankful for people like Naomi and Laura who put so much hard work into producing a show like LTYM. Between reading all the submissions and deciding what stories to hear out loud and then whittling it down to the final thirteen for the show, they have a very tough job. I saw them somewhere in the middle of their second day of auditions and they made me feel like I was the first one they had listened to all weekend. I am thankful for their generosity and kindness. There was something extremely validating about hearing these two strangers tell me how much they loved my writing. I am thankful for the opportunity to audition, even if it was just an audition. 

This is the week I have started my sabbatical. It's like being away at camp without leaving the area. It is also like trying to cook in a stranger's kitchen with that stranger looking over your shoulder. I'm nervous and still getting my bench work sea legs back. The good news is, I still know how to use some of these tools. I realize I'm being cryptic, but I don't like to blog about work. I am thankful for this sabbatical though because I'm having loads of fun learning some new things. This is also why it has been sparse around here. I've just been to busy and filled with managing my calendar to really put much thought into writing. I realize that only months ago I told you that there was a writing demon that needed to be exorcised from my body. That demon just has to put a lid on it for a little while. Just until I get things organized in other places of my life.

I think Spring has finally arrived. All the trees are covered in a light green or purple haze. The tulip trees have bloomed and green things are sprouting out of the ground. This weekend, we will start on the garden and get some things planted even though I haven't had a chance to finish planning exactly what we're going to plant. I am ready to dig in the dirt, so I'm thankful for this weather, but I am also thankful that this weather is also scooter weather. I am thankful for time spent with friends. I am thankful for a very silly puppy and a cat that walked in with the dirtiest face the other day. I am thankful for all of you who have made a donation to my AIDS Walk page. I am thankful for all of you.

Here's to a Springy weekend and super Thankful Friday!

SPINNING

I took that picture the other day for my 365 Day Selfie project. The idea of it came to me while I was setting up a slide to scan on one of our microscopes. A good song had started playing on my playlist and it made me dance. I noticed the way the sweater I was wearing moved while I danced and thought it would be a good picture. I took a number of shots while spinning to get that one picture. Each time I stopped to take a breath and check takes, I was dizzy and by the time I called it quits, I was queasy. I didn't realize at the time that I would actually be capturing what was and is currently happening in my brain. I am spinning. There's a lot happening in the next few months. There's some AIDS Walk charity events that I will be involved with. I'm starting a sabbatical next month that will last for about six weeks where I get to learn a bunch of fun new science stuff. I need to finish planning the garden so we can plant the first wave of veggies. 

Then, really the thing that makes me the queasiest, I got some news about something I had written. I wrote it a while back and half heartedly submitted it and now I've been asked to maybe read it in a public setting. Maybe. When I first heard the news, I had the immediate feeling of validation and pride. This lasted for only a second before the implications actually set in. Since then I've felt like doing nothing more than curling up into a ball while breathing into a paper bag. I went back to read that story because it had been months since I had written it or read it. I had set it out of my head and even kind of forgotten some of the story. I let a friend read it and was told that it is a powerful and raw story. And after rereading it, I could not disagree. It is a very personal and vulnerable story. I think that's what has gotten me so tied up in nots. It's like I've just agreed to take off all my clothes on stage in front of the world. Which I have done for real before. I have taken a number of naked photos for 365 day projects. 

So why is this any different? 

I remember the first time I took a nude selfie. I am artfully nude in the picture with the main attention drawn to my legs. At the time I took it, I was very uncomfortable in my skin. I've always seen myself as the chubby one. This will never change. But I took a risk that day and opted for bravery and just went for it. I remember being so nervous about posting that picture. It was hard enough to to take it, let alone post it. There were so many aspects of this picture that made me so vulnerable. I had exposed my body and I had made an attempt to be creative. I received lovely reviews from fellow 365 Day group members. Every one was kind. The day after posting, one of my then online friends posted a nude photo of herself hiding behind her guitar. She was skinny and beautiful and taking this kind of photo was easy for her. It felt like I was being copied or like she was trying one up me. Her anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better mentality would eventual lead to the end of our friendship, but that first act would be the one that would make it really hard to push myself and allow myself to be vulnerable. There have been times after this where it has even been easy for me to be a little vulnerable. 

This thing, though, feels different. Worse some how. Taking my clothes off for a picture would be the easier thing to do right now. I read the piece to Michael last night and stumbled over words. He had to tell me to slow down. There was a moment when I felt the words catch in my throat. This was happening and the only one hearing the story was Michael. My stomach clinches at the idea of others hearing this story. My stomach has been clinched for days actually. I think about when I wrote that piece and how I wrote it just to clear the clutter from my head. I wrote it without the intention of sharing it. Maybe that's why it turned out to be so pure and honest. At the time of writing it, I didn't worry about what others would think of it. I didn't censor myself. Reading out loud made it feel like I was cutting myself open and turning my body inside out. The most vulnerable soul baring stories are always the hardest to share. 

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable forces you to be brave. Je suis forte.