DREAM SEASON

Last night I dreamed that we were on a trip and I had climbed up to an old church to take pictures. For some reason, I set my camera down (my super expensive camera) and then walked back down the hill to find Michael. I was half way down when I realized my camera was gone. So I ran back up to the church and searched frantically for my camera. While I was searching, an older man pulled up in his car and rolled down the window. He spoke with an Eastern European accent and held up my camera. “Are you looking for this?” He asked. I said “Oh my god, yes! Thank you!” and reached for the camera. Then I noticed the lens was missing. I said something to him about it and he said that I could have the lens back for $100. I felt ill and embarrassed and I didn’t want Michael to know that any of this was happening. I didn’t have $100 cash on me and asked if I could Venmo him. He told me that he’d wait for me to go to the ATM at the bottom of the hill. Then I said “Shake on it?” and as he reached his hand forward, I reached inside and grabbed the lens. I woke up before I had to tell Michael anything about leaving my camera behind or losing the lens.

I was relieved to wake up for a number of reasons.

It doesn’t take much to unpack that dream and see that it contains a lot. It contains a lot of fears, which is completely normal. So I keep telling myself. But it is not just the showing. I’ve put a lot of things on my personal calendar for the next two months. I have my yearly check up scheduled, a dental check up and a colonoscopy all on the books for September. I am constantly adding to my work calendar and balancing that work around appointments. All of that juggling means that I end up double booking myself. So far this is only working because some people I work with are not on time. Then there’s Michael’s calendar which is a topic I’m not discussing. Keeping track of it all feels like training for fighting villains in the Matrix. By the time these next two months are over, I will be bending space and time.

This week we will be witnesses to a super blue moon, the second full moon we’ve seen this month. This moon also coincides with perigee which means that low tides are going to be extra low and high tides are going to be extra high. Storms reaching landfall during these high tides can produce coastal flooding, beach erosion and rough seas. Hurricane Idalia is predicted to hit Florida on Wednesday. Hurricane Franklin is heading towards the East coast this week and predicted to produce life-threatening rip tides. I’m not into star signs and moon phases, but even I have to admit that rare full moon events and hurricanes feels like a physical manifestation of how I’m feeling these days. It is all going to be a disaster or completely okay. I predict that the dreaming is going to be straight up horrible this week.

Even though there’s a lot going on, I’m still considering signing up for an online course on storytelling in photography. What if I did NANOWRIMO in November but used some of my photography to tell the stories, to inspire the word count? That sounds pretty nice right? Theoretically that does sound pretty good, but I might have a new challenge for November and that would be a twenty minute nap everyday. We’ll call it NANONAPMO. Your reward for committing to your daily nap is being well rested.

I’m a self-care guru.

A BATCH OF RANDOM THOUGHTS

The other night, I decided to remove my toenail polish and clean up my toenails. They were not long enough to require cutting, just a little filing back. As I moved from toe to toe, I got to one toe where the nail was quite a bit longer than all the rest, like it had gotten skipped over during the last pedicure. I said to myself that this is my coke nail and that thought cracked me up like you wouldn’t believe. I did not mention this to anyone until now, mostly because the only person I know who would have found it to be as hilarious as I did is no longer physically here.

Michael and I have slightly different senses of humor.

Today is Michael’s first day back to work after a nice but weird summer break and I have to get back into the routine of things. One of those things is spending time on Sundays to prepare veggies for the meals we have planned during the week. I started doing this back in the early Spring and wanted to slap myself for not starting this habit earlier. I just didn’t realize how much easier this would make my life. Well, about a month ago, I received a newsletter from Wirecutter about this vegetable chopper. Normally I would say no to any kitchen gadget. No one needs a special tool for cutting avocados or pineapples. You just need a good set of knives, but this chopper went into my cart because sometimes I’m a sucker.

The chopper arrived and Michael immediately cut his finger on it while washing it. We had not even chopped a vegetable yet. It didn’t really come with instructions, just a small sheet of paper describing the different blades and a list of safety rules on the box. The best, most favorite safety advice on the box hands down goes to number two on the list: Get the kids away from it. That is the exact sentence. Since Michael has already demonstrated that he can’t be trusted with the new chopper, every time he goes to use it I yell “Get the kids away from it!” I don’t think he thinks this is as funny as I do. Really he should feel lucky that I let him use it. I had a mandolin for about five minutes once. I sliced open my thumb with it on the first try. Chris took it away and I never saw it again.

I used the chopper on Sunday to get our veggies ready for the week and I love it so much. Every time I chop onions, it looks like I’m bawling. Red, teary eyes. Snotty nose. The works. Even if all I ever do is use the chopper to chop onions, it was worth the money. It took me a minute to dice an onion and then it all fell into a closed container. The container is big enough for me to chop an onion and a bell pepper without needing to be emptied. Then I easily poured the contents of that container into a ziplock baggie and labelled it ‘Tacos’. There were no tears or sniffles in the process of chopping onions and my life is significantly improved. That chopper cut down the amount of time I used to spend chopping vegetables by half if not more. I got a bunch of things accomplished yesterday because I spent less time chopping.

Coke nail toenails and vegetable choppers, at first, don’t really sound like they belong in the same category, but both of these things are excellent examples of self care. I’m taking care of my toes. I’m eating lots of vegetables. I’m finding ways to make it easier to eat those veggies.

I’m making my life easier.

DEHYDRATION

In the dark morning hours of Sunday, I dreamed that I was at a spa for a spa day. That’s not a far fetch dream. Michael got me a gift card for a spa day for Christmas and I’m all booked for the twenty first. In this dream, I went into a room that was very hospital like and removed my clothes. Then I peed on the floor (because dreams are crazy). My massage therapist then told me to lie down on the massage table face up. She covered me with blankets and then raised the bars up on both sides of the table. The table turned out to be a hospital bed. Then she spent five minutes digging for a vein in my hand so that she could hook me up to a saline IV. The therapist patted my other hand and said “We’re just going to let you rest here for a few minutes and absorb some fluids.” Then she pulled a curtain around me and left me alone.

I woke up thinking that I really needed to drink more water.

I also really hope that this is not how my actual spa day is going to play out.

Oh, it must be that time of year when I have to be reminded to care for myself. I’m not talking about massages and bubble baths kind of care, but the basics. Drink water. Trim nails. Eat a green vegetable. Step away from the cheese. That last on is much harder than it sounds. Months ago I told Michael I wanted a cheese cake for my birthday. He replied “Oh, you want me to make you a cheesecake for your birthday?” and I said “No. I want a cake made out of wheels of cheese for my birthday.” Then Michael said “What?! Is that a thing?!” while googling it and discovering that yes it is a thing. The first layer is already sitting in the fridge because it was on sale at Whole Foods during Christmas. It didn’t hit me until I made our New Year’s Eve charcuterie board that I had asked for an exorbitant amount of cheese.

We will be freezing leftover birthday cheese cake.

I still stand one hundred percent behind my beliefs that making resolutions in January is a waste of time. No one is in a good headspace to start new projects or pick up the old projects. We’re all still recovering from our holiday gatherings and the clean up from those holiday gatherings. I started the New Year with yet another restructuring at work. It’s nothing bad, in fact it is a very good thing, but there’s a lot of new things and questions and weirdness. I’m losing my yoga space and I’m going to have to hunt down a new one. I thought this week, I’d work on consistency in my yoga practice, my walks and going back to torture class. I’m saying no to elevators and I’ve re-introduced a timed twenty minute eating time.

I’ve also had a liter and a half of water today.

I’m not setting any big goals for myself this year because some big goals have already been established for me. A manager of a downtown coffee place posted a request for local artists in a private Facebook group that Michael is part of. He sent her a link to my website and she contacted me last week about a May/June showing for my photography. I’ve been scared to say anything about it because the last time I was supposed to do something like this, the world shut down and I lost my commission. Also, it didn’t really feel legit since I didn’t do anything. She just went online and looked at my photography page. All I had to do was say ‘yes’. I confirmed the dates with the manager yesterday and I’ll go visit the space on Saturday, but I feel like I have all the photos I need to fill the walls. I just need to print and frame them.

I start to get a little bit hyperventally when I think about it, but then I remember all the preparation I’ve already done and how there is not that much left for me to do other than just print the pictures. Maybe if someone came to me and said “hey, we want to publish your book in October.”, I’d finish writing a book. Apparently this how I get things accomplished. I just need to set back and do nothing until someone tells me to do something.

Drink some water. Eat a green vegetable.

SKATE CITY

Erica, Tania and I have been planning a skate date for ages. There’s a rink in the northland that has a an adult only skate night on Wednesdays, but every time we have set a date, life would intervene. This time, it was Tania who had to work late. So Erica and I decided to go, just the two of us. Erica and her family live just a few blocks west of me, on Terry’s street. I see her and her family playing in the yard and riding bikes all the time now. Josephine makes a point to growl at Erica’s husband when he jogs by us as we walk to the park in the mornings. We’re neighbors but didn’t know it until last year.

I drove over to Erica’s house last Wednesday for our skate date and walked into her kitchen. One child was in the middle of a melt down while the other one solemnly made themselves a snack. Erica’s husband said “I got this.” and Erica and I ran out the back door. It had been a rough day. For everyone. She said that they had not talked about the latest mass shooting with the kids yet, but the kids knew. The oldest is a third grader and Erica figured the kids talked about it at school. The youngest, who is six, was probably just absorbing the vibes around him. I almost asked her “At this point, what do you even say anymore?” but I didn’t.

As we were getting out of the car, Erica confessed to taking skate lessons as a kid and that she owned her own skates. They were white with pink pom-poms and when she said that I gasped. “So did I!” I exclaimed. We walked into Skate City and I looked at her and said “It smells so familiar in here.” Erica nodded and said “A mix of church and movie theater.” It smelled like our childhood. From the earliest time I can remember and well into middle school, the roller rink was a cornerstone in my life. If church was twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays, then the roller rink was every Tuesday and sometimes Sundays. My skating was nothing fancy, just simple loops around the rink. Occasionally there would be a game of limbo. Occasionally we would all do the Hokey Pokey and turn ourselves around. The first time I ever held a boy’s hand was during a couples skate. I remember how we both wiped our sweaty palms against our respective pant leg afterward.

I do not remember the boy.

My first loop out on the rink wasn’t great. I was disappointed and thought to myself ‘skating should be easier than this’. Was it possible that I’d forgotten how to skate? It took two turns to realize that my wheels were too tight. I’ve never used a skate key in my life, but I instinctively knew how to loosen the nuts on my wheels. Then the skating was effortless. Erica and I swayed easily back and forth, skating loop after loop, admiring the more advanced skaters. Erica introduced me to a couple of her friends that are regulars at Skate City. I wanted to be best friends with both of them immediately. We stood as a pod in a one corner, sipping on fountain drinks and water bottles, laughing and telling stories. Then we skated more loops and for a few hours we were children again.

For a few hours the noise of the world outside was drowned out by loud hip-hop music and the sound of wheels rolling on hardwood.

Tania, we missed you.

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

I’m at work, drinking coffee but reminding myself to drink some water today. I currently have my work calendar open. The calendar for microscope bookings is open and my work email. Then I have my gmail page open and of course, this page is open. I also have a spreadsheet of addresses that I am in the process of updating open and then there’s a New York Times article that I opened to read entitled “Why You Procrastinate”. I’ve read the title.

Wait…I just went over and read a couple of paragraphs and now have hurt feelings.

Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.

“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.”

Now you have hurt feelings too and I’m sorry.

The topic of self care really has hit its peak during the pandemic. Before 2019, self care was all bubble baths and scented candles. Then we all went into a lockdown that eventually ended, but doesn’t feel like it ended because today’s average for COVID cases is around 83,000 with somewhere around 950 deaths. If you ignore it, it goes away does not apply to COVID. We’re all wishing for a unicorn. Self care had to step up its game to deal with all of us who suddenly had too much time on their hands and discovered how broken their brains really are. As a result, I get more ads for online therapy and really expensive lounge wear. Look, I’m not going to pay $200 for a pair of pants that are only for sleeping. I might pay $100.

My house is mostly cleaned and organized. I found our menorah, which is always difficult because I never put it back in the same place every year. I have a plan for Christmas decorations and most of my shopping done. I have not procrastinated on seasonal obligations. In fact, I am ahead of schedule. I am always ahead of all of my made up schedules. This has always been my truth. Yet, I constantly feel like I am not getting ‘things’ done. I don’t know what those ‘things’ are, except I kind of might know what those ‘things’ are. I just don’t want to ‘fess up to them.

“People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.” - Dr. Fuschia Sirois

That sentence up there? When I read it, I burst into tears at my desk. There’s a whole lot of negative stuff on my pros and cons list for some stuff I have procrastinated on for years. It all boils down to vulnerability and how vulnerable I will allow myself to be. Just the thought of it makes my hands clammy and shaky and I want to throw up. Do you know how many times I accused Chris of procrastinating because his office was always a wreck?!? Look Chris…I don’t know where you are right now because you have not been seen in a dream in some time, but wherever you are I want you to know that I am sorry for calling you out for procrastinating when I was guilty of it the whole time.

That last part is a revelation I had not expected when I started writing this post and now I don’t know if I’m queasy because of it or if I’m just hungry because it’s lunch time.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Dog walk find. Though it's meant for kids, it really applies to adults too. Every 👏🏻 Thing👏🏻is a choice👏🏻. Kindness, acceptance, tolerance, doing the just thing. Choices.

This week I have seen the return of something similar to before the start of the pandemic. I am now on an every day work shift from 9-1:00, but every day I have ended up staying later than that because I have had so much to do. Which pleases me. Michael is back at school preparing for a hybrid learning situation. His wounds are healing nicely. Though this routine is similar to before, it is still new and a bit different. There have been a few navigational snafus and there was a moment this week when I realized that I had fallen into the same old pattern of working really hard to accommodate others.

The thing is, I’m a born accommodater. Mostly, I’m more than happy to do it. I genuinely want to make the lives of those around me easier, but I am discovering that this is a trait that can be taken advantage of. Before I know it, I’ve contorted myself into a very uncomfortable position that leaves me cranky and exhausted. Then I’m asking myself “Why am I so cranky and exhausted?!?!” It takes me a minute to realize that I have been working so hard at accommodating others. That realization is usually prompted by the actions of those I am accommodating. It becomes clear that I am being taken advantage of and I need to set some boundaries or reestablish boundaries. My time has value. My time should also be taken into consideration by others. I do not need to work so hard to accommodate people who do not respect or value this and instead take advantage of my willingness to be so accommodating.

I never really had to set these kinds of boundaries before this version of my life and it does not come easily to me. I struggle with guilt that comes from putting myself first, making me the priority. I worry about the consequences of putting myself first, the feelings of the other because I am no longer prioritizing them. It is a difficult balance to prioritize someone just enough so they know they are cared about, but not so much as to sacrifice one’s self. And there is nothing like a new routine to remind you of this delicate balance. My self care is not getting a pedicure or a massage. It is working on maintaining boundaries. It is, at times, making myself the priority. It is me proudly wearing a badge that says “did not please everyone.”

It is me assuring myself that I do not have to please everyone.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Turns out, if you're very careful, you can use a Spirograph on your iPad.

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Tuesday evening, I stood at our bathroom sink blankly staring at my reflection in the mirror while brushing my teeth. As I shifted my toothbrush from one side of my mouth to the other, I had a thought that maybe this was the first time I was brushing my teeth that day. Did I do this when I got up that morning? I paused to really think about it, listing my day’s schedule in my head. I had gotten up and showered. Then I think I brushed my teeth. No…I’m sure I brushed my teeth. Then I had to ask myself if it was still Tuesday. It felt like I had done more than one day’s worth of tasks. That morning, I sat through about twenty minutes of video for class and then I presented a paper for Journal Club. Then I started working on my last mini coding project for the class I’m taking. I got tired and frustrated with it around two in the afternoon and so I went outside to haul dirt to the east side of the house. I spent the next two hours hauling, grading and tamping dirt. Then I went inside to shower again and work on the computer some more before making fish tacos for dinner. I cooked. I cleaned and then we played a few rounds of Boggle.

By the time I was standing in that bathroom, brushing my teeth before bed, I was literally swaying with exhaustion. I suddenly realized that I have been doing a lot of manual labor. On top of my job, I have been taking care of the inside of the house, grocery shopping, doing the laundry, maintaining the yard, taking care of chickens, dog, cat, sometimes people, cooking dinner most evenings, no…cooking TWO dinners most evenings because of the Cabbage (that’s coming to a halt), and helping Michael build a retaining wall by hauling dirt and gravel and twenty five pound pavers. I am tired. So on Wednesday, I only did my job. Other than washing my own plate or bowl, I did not clean the house. We fend for ourselves for dinner on Wednesdays any way. So I didn’t make dinner for anyone but me and I didn’t go outside to help Michael with the wall. I was there to witness him place the last stone, but I did not touch a shovel or lift a finger except to take a few pictures.

It was great except for the guilt that would nudge in every once in a while, but I got good at shoving that guilt back. I finished my mini project and graded four assignments. I met with a science teacher in New Hampshire who wants me to talk to her seventh graders next week about my career path. I payed attention and took notes for at least half of the Wednesday Lecture Series. I started pulling microscopy images to show to students next week and travelled back in the way boat machine to find images of the things I did when I worked with Margaret and Phillip. We did a lot of cool stuff in that lab. Then I surprised myself by becoming excited to talk to kids about being a scientist. When I went to brush my teeth that night before bed, I was no longer questioning what day it was or when the last time it was that I brushed my teeth. I was simply getting ready for bed.

The majority of the wall is complete. Michael wants to cap it, but we need to buy those stones. We still have a generous portion of dirt that needs to go somewhere, along with leftover gravel. The neighbors may take some of the dirt and there are a few spots around the yard that could be filled in. We need to order mulch and plant grass seed. We are down to just the final touchups of this project. I am thankful that the neighbors are going to be the ones shoveling and hauling dirt away. I am thankful that we are mostly done with the retaining wall. It is a project that has consumed us for longer than necessary. I am thankful to be finished with my first Python coding class so I can now move on to learning how to use Python in ways more pertinent than game building. I am thankful for the opportunity to share part of my story with a group of seventh graders.

But mostly, today I am thankful for Wednesday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Margaret laid a petite egg

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When my alarm went off Thursday morning, I turned it off and then rolled back over to sleep. My body was tired and sore and I wasn’t ready to move. Tuesday’s torture class was truly torturous. Wednesday’s yoga class was more challenging than I had anticipated. Then I taught an equally challenging yoga class that evening. So, yeah, by the next day, this body was stiff and sore. I was still feeling bad about myself over Tuesday’s class and how much I struggled. I keep thinking that at some point this class is going to feel less torturous, but Tuesday had a lot of burpees, box hops and jumping jacks followed up with mountain climbers and pushups. My ankle hurt with every jump. My right thumb area of my palm hurt. My nose was running and all the sinus drainage left me with a cough that made it sound like I had a cold. I noticed the other women in the class not struggling as much as I seemed to be and I am easily the largest most unfit one of the bunch. I left class feeling like a big sweaty loser.

I tell my yoga students all the time to ‘stay on your own mat’. That means not paying attention to what others are doing and only focusing on your body. I forgot that this applies to me. I forgot that this goes for off the mat times as well. My ankle and my thumb were hurting not because muscles were working. I have joint pain because I’m not so young any more. The whole sinus issue that is happening when I exercise is not because I am out of shape. It’s actually a thing called exercise-induced rhinitis. Basically, the high intensity aerobic parts of the class are exacerbating my allergy symptoms. I just need to sniff some Flonase before class. Mostly though, I need to stop comparing myself or competing with the others in that class and just focus on doing the best I can in this body.

I need to give myself a break.

So when I woke up with a groan Thursday morning, I made the choice to sleep in, to make breakfast and then get in the shower when Michael was done in the bathroom. This is the opposite of my usual morning routine. Usually I am so attached to the timing of a routine that I don’t allow for any flexibility even at the expensive of my bodily health. The only consequences for my tardiness are the ones I give myself. The choice to rest really only set me back about fifteen minutes any way. I got to work and started my morning chore list without rushing myself or allowing myself to feel behind for the day. I snorted some Flonase and then went to torture class and focused on my own self. I did all of the jump roping and went up to a heavier weight for squats, taking breaks when I needed to take breaks. Then I high-fived myself in the mirror. I left class feeling like a medium sweaty winner.

I am not a house of cards that falls apart at the slightest disruption.

Giving myself breaks is not an excuse to not do the work; I can do both.

I might be allergic to exercise.

OVERACHIEVER

Home. F is for Fortune Cookie Journal.

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The Smarter Living section of the New York times has an article this week entitled “Start Practicing Your New Year’s Resolutions Now.” I didn’t read it. In fact, I saw that headline, promptly rolled my eyes and said “Oh, Smarter Living, that’s yesterday’s news!” because I’ve been practicing this whole improving my life thing since October. I’m making progress. I feel good. I have all the plans in the world to karate chop my way into 2020. I did have some hyperventilating moments in regards to an art showing that I’m doing in April and May, but I got some really great advice from a few different voices. I’m pretty settled about all of it now. Chilled.

Since October, when I started setting specific goals for the month, I’ve noticed that not only have I spent time focusing on achieving those goals, but I have also spent time focusing on me. This includes genuine self care like putting lotion on my flaky skin instead of just sitting around scratching and trying to claw that skin off. I take allergy medicine before bed so I don’t wake up with a clogged nostril and crusted over eyes. I threw out all of my makeup that has been sitting in my medicine cabinet for more than two years and bought new eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara. I haven’t used the eyeshadow or eyeliner yet, but I’ve been using my eyelash curler and mascara almost every day. I go to the gym every day but I don’t beat myself up when things happen in my schedule and I have to miss a day. The only goal I set for the month of December is to survive. December is hard enough for a thousand reasons. This year includes more travel than I’m used to, which makes the month seem too short to get the usual things done, let alone added things.

See? Self care. Not putting more stuff on my plate than I can eat.

My mantra now is “I am responsible for my own happiness.” Part of that responsibility requires me to figure out what exactly makes me happy. Setting specific goals and making accomplishments on those goals makes me happy. Making my eyes look pretty makes me happy. Waking up breathing out of both sides of my nose makes me happy. Not waiting around until the New Year to start all of this, makes me happy.

SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOT TO GO

Little cabin in the woods

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A few months back, my friend Heather sent me a text mentioning that she had her company cabin for Thanksgiving. Some of you might remember the last time I went to the cabin with Heather. I might have mentioned it here, but the cabin is in the tiny town of Inverness, CA. It sits high up on a hill surrounded by trees and the windows face Tomales Bay. I told Heather that if we weren’t tightening our belts and paying off debts, I’d invite us to tag along. Her reply was “it’s not until November.” She had a point. I cashed in some frequent flyer miles and we sold some stuff on Craig’s List. We bought plane tickets and rented a car and crashed her Thanksgiving.

And I’m so glad we did.

Michelle, who you might remember from that time I was a bearded lady and she was one half of the first ever interracially conjoined twins, flew up from San Diego. Heather’s friends, Maria and Mateo, flew in from Arizona. We’d never met, but I had heard some stories. Maria and Mateo ended up riding in the backseat of our rental car every where we went. I got so used to the two of them sitting behind us that I felt like we’d forgotten something when we left the cabin early Saturday morning. Instead of a turkey dinner on Thanksgiving, we ate Dungeness crab. In fact, we ate Dungeness crab for almost all meals. Turns out that six pounds of already picked crab meat feeds a party of six for two days. Just an fyi if you ever find yourself needing to place an order for picked crab meat and you order a pound per person, the person taking your order is going to scoff at you. You will ignore the scoffing and order that amount any way. Be prepared for the leftovers.

Instead of spending the holiday with family, we spent it with people we didn’t really know. I felt a bit of guilt over this. I claimed Michelle as part of our tribe the moment I met her three years ago. After spending five minutes with Maria and Mateo, I felt the same way about them. I even feel a little sad that they live so far away and are unavailable for random rides in the backseat of my car. So that guilt quickly dissipated when I realized that I was spending time with family. I was spending time with the family I have made for myself. We ate. We drank. We hiked to a beach. We played games and told stories. Mostly we laughed. Good lord, we laughed so dang much. I am very very fortunate.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to go to a little cabin in the wood with no TV and very spotty cell signal. Make sure the cabin is filled with good people and a nice roaring fire. Be sure to spend some of that time on long walks and part of that time watching the rain. Laugh and memorize every silly ridiculous moment.

This is self care.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Float

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Last night I taught my last Thursday night yoga class at the Y. I have been teaching a Wednesday and Thursday evening class there for almost six months and for the most part things have been going well. My Wednesday class has a decent sized group of regulars. Thursday's class never really took off. Some nights, I would have six and some nights I would have one. I never knew what to expect with class size or students. I was always modifying and improvising the class. There were other issues with that class besides attendance that had to do with timing and scheduling. Also, by the time I reached Thursday, this body was tired. This brain was tired. So I made a choice to drop this class. 

I was talking about this class with a new friend not too long ago. She used to own her own studio and understands the work/life imbalance that starts to happen with yoga teachers. I talked with her about the idea of letting that Thursday night class go for all the reason I listed above. I also mentioned that I have something scheduled for every night of the week except for Mondays and that it would be nice to have an evening with no obligations. She urged me to honor those thoughts and her words really gave me pause. At first I agonized over the decision. Should drop I it? Should I just stick it out? Guilt would settle in about letting people down, about giving up. I would start berating myself about just being lazy. Even when I finally sent out the email detailing the end of that class, I felt like I had done something wrong, that people were going to be mad at me. But honestly, I didn't feel like I was making any kind of impact with this class.

When I finished teaching last night's class to three students, two of which had showed up ten minutes late, I felt relieved. A weight I didn't even realize I was carrying floated up and away. In that moment I knew that I had made the right decision. I am not so good at honoring my own thoughts and feelings. It is one of the reasons I end up doing things that I don't really want to do.  I am thankful for her words and I am thankful I took pause to honer my feelings towards this class.

Saying "no" to the things in my life that no longer serve me well is a continuing practice.