HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

I’m at work, drinking coffee but reminding myself to drink some water today. I currently have my work calendar open. The calendar for microscope bookings is open and my work email. Then I have my gmail page open and of course, this page is open. I also have a spreadsheet of addresses that I am in the process of updating open and then there’s a New York Times article that I opened to read entitled “Why You Procrastinate”. I’ve read the title.

Wait…I just went over and read a couple of paragraphs and now have hurt feelings.

Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.

“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.”

Now you have hurt feelings too and I’m sorry.

The topic of self care really has hit its peak during the pandemic. Before 2019, self care was all bubble baths and scented candles. Then we all went into a lockdown that eventually ended, but doesn’t feel like it ended because today’s average for COVID cases is around 83,000 with somewhere around 950 deaths. If you ignore it, it goes away does not apply to COVID. We’re all wishing for a unicorn. Self care had to step up its game to deal with all of us who suddenly had too much time on their hands and discovered how broken their brains really are. As a result, I get more ads for online therapy and really expensive lounge wear. Look, I’m not going to pay $200 for a pair of pants that are only for sleeping. I might pay $100.

My house is mostly cleaned and organized. I found our menorah, which is always difficult because I never put it back in the same place every year. I have a plan for Christmas decorations and most of my shopping done. I have not procrastinated on seasonal obligations. In fact, I am ahead of schedule. I am always ahead of all of my made up schedules. This has always been my truth. Yet, I constantly feel like I am not getting ‘things’ done. I don’t know what those ‘things’ are, except I kind of might know what those ‘things’ are. I just don’t want to ‘fess up to them.

“People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.” - Dr. Fuschia Sirois

That sentence up there? When I read it, I burst into tears at my desk. There’s a whole lot of negative stuff on my pros and cons list for some stuff I have procrastinated on for years. It all boils down to vulnerability and how vulnerable I will allow myself to be. Just the thought of it makes my hands clammy and shaky and I want to throw up. Do you know how many times I accused Chris of procrastinating because his office was always a wreck?!? Look Chris…I don’t know where you are right now because you have not been seen in a dream in some time, but wherever you are I want you to know that I am sorry for calling you out for procrastinating when I was guilty of it the whole time.

That last part is a revelation I had not expected when I started writing this post and now I don’t know if I’m queasy because of it or if I’m just hungry because it’s lunch time.

THERE IT IS

Michael asked me yet again, probably for the fifth time, what I needed for summer camp. I answered him with the same answer I gave the four times before: a shug of the shoulder and a questionable ‘nothing’. I mean, I’m teaching a class on using the camera on your phone. I have a giant tablet I’m writing some notes on and a stack of lens cleaning cloths. I bought an HDMI cable so I could hook my laptop up to a projector for a slide show presentation at the end of camp. I have a tent, a sleeping bag, a sleeping mat, and an ice chest. I am debating about taking our camp box of cookware. There will be a few meals not provided at camp and while there will be grills and firepits, there will not be cookware. To take cookware or not to take cookware is the thing I am contemplating the most right now.

Except, I have had enough people ask me if I have everything I need enough times that I am starting to doubt that I have everything I need. Then, just a few days ago, Kelly re-posted a picture I had taken onto the camp’s facebook page as advertisement of my class and what’s being offered at camp and I heard it. I heard the voice. It started out by just whispering in my ear, but quickly escalated to straight up yelling in my face. Yeah, you guessed it. It was the Voice of Doubt. There it was, telling me that I am a total fraud and an imposter. The truly amazing thing is that I have been able to fool people into even thinking I had some sort of talents. In fact, The Voice of Doubt applauded me on my acting skills. At first, I almost didn’t recognize the Voice of Doubt because it’s been awhile since I’ve heard it, but it has also been awhile since I’ve done anything that puts me in a vulnerable spot.

Do you know what the Voice of Doubt makes me do (besides obviously see myself as a failure)? It makes me procrastinate. This is such a flip from earlier days when the Voice of Doubt would have me in a frenzy of over preparedness. I have a mystic voodoo theory about how the Voice of Doubt affects me now versus how it affected me then and it basically comes down it’s all Chris’s fault. Gah! I used to get so frustrated by Chris’s procrastination particularly because I was the opposite of a procrastinator. Now, because of my mystic voodoo theory that is too crazy for me to tell you about, I get it. I understand that all of that procrastination was because of the Voice of Doubt. Instead of doing anything, I am sitting here thinking about making a list. But only thinking about it. You see, I can’t even get it together enough right now to make a damn list. This infuriates me and I want to scream back at the Voice of Doubt, but I never scream back.

I’ve never been good at putting up much of a fight.

I have two choices right now. I can walk into this whole thing half prepared or I can snap out of it and get myself together. I know what I am doing. I have some really good bullet points of information I plan on sharing. I do not need much of anything to share these bullet points. I don’t need to be THE authority of digital photography. I just need to share the things I know. I have got this.

So fuck off, Voice of Doubt.

PRESIDENT SNOW DAY

Josephine is watching Downton Abbey with me.

"Josephine is watching Downton Abbey with me."

I am procrastinating. Michael is diligently working on his work bench that he's building in the basement. It's almost done. He got the top shelf on today and I think he's installing a light right now. It's a legit work table. I'm impressed especially because he used a lot of re-claimed wood to build it and it is sturdy. Any way, today I've washed sheets and watched the latest episode of Downton Abbey (poor, poor Isis). I cleared the cars from snow and shoveled the end of the drive. I put the sheets back on the bed (which is no easy feet with the new bed frame) and I've taken a luxuriantly long shower where I slavered a new body butter all over myself at the end of it. I smell like lavender and rosemary. 

Michael had asked me earlier this morning what I had planned for the day and I said that I should do some writing. Not at this space writing. But it seems that I have not been able to motivate myself to do any of that. This space is my last hold out of procrastination. Well, not really because Josephine wanted up here with me and is nipping at my fingers as I type. It's hard to type and play tug-of-war at the same time. So you can see, procrastination comes pretty easily around here today.

I've been thinking about Lent. It's just around the corner. I'm all ready for Fat Tuesday. The fixings for jambalaya are in the fridge right this minute. I'm ready for the gluttony part of of all of this, but I haven't really considered the forty days of sacrifice. Last year I didn't give up anything, but committed to adding something good to my life. I vowed to get on my yoga mat and I did that and it was great. Misti posted a link to a 40 bags in 40 days project to declutter your house. I'm seriously considering this because getting rid of things is part of this year's plan. I'm not religious, so the idea of sacrificing something is not all that important to me. I do like the challenge of something consistent for forty days. It's how you form habits and I see the time of Lent as a great opportunity to instill some good habits. This year I was thinking about 100 words a day. Except now that I can see that number, it doesn't seem like a whole lot of words. How about 400 words a day? That sounds a little bit better, except I know that I should strive for 1000 words a day. 

For now, though I'll stick to 400 words a day and a bag of garbage/toss-out a week. How about you guys? Anyone giving up or adding something to their lives for Lent?