HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
Cindy Maddera
I’m at work, drinking coffee but reminding myself to drink some water today. I currently have my work calendar open. The calendar for microscope bookings is open and my work email. Then I have my gmail page open and of course, this page is open. I also have a spreadsheet of addresses that I am in the process of updating open and then there’s a New York Times article that I opened to read entitled “Why You Procrastinate”. I’ve read the title.
Wait…I just went over and read a couple of paragraphs and now have hurt feelings.
Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.
“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.”
Now you have hurt feelings too and I’m sorry.
The topic of self care really has hit its peak during the pandemic. Before 2019, self care was all bubble baths and scented candles. Then we all went into a lockdown that eventually ended, but doesn’t feel like it ended because today’s average for COVID cases is around 83,000 with somewhere around 950 deaths. If you ignore it, it goes away does not apply to COVID. We’re all wishing for a unicorn. Self care had to step up its game to deal with all of us who suddenly had too much time on their hands and discovered how broken their brains really are. As a result, I get more ads for online therapy and really expensive lounge wear. Look, I’m not going to pay $200 for a pair of pants that are only for sleeping. I might pay $100.
My house is mostly cleaned and organized. I found our menorah, which is always difficult because I never put it back in the same place every year. I have a plan for Christmas decorations and most of my shopping done. I have not procrastinated on seasonal obligations. In fact, I am ahead of schedule. I am always ahead of all of my made up schedules. This has always been my truth. Yet, I constantly feel like I am not getting ‘things’ done. I don’t know what those ‘things’ are, except I kind of might know what those ‘things’ are. I just don’t want to ‘fess up to them.
“People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.” - Dr. Fuschia Sirois
That sentence up there? When I read it, I burst into tears at my desk. There’s a whole lot of negative stuff on my pros and cons list for some stuff I have procrastinated on for years. It all boils down to vulnerability and how vulnerable I will allow myself to be. Just the thought of it makes my hands clammy and shaky and I want to throw up. Do you know how many times I accused Chris of procrastinating because his office was always a wreck?!? Look Chris…I don’t know where you are right now because you have not been seen in a dream in some time, but wherever you are I want you to know that I am sorry for calling you out for procrastinating when I was guilty of it the whole time.
That last part is a revelation I had not expected when I started writing this post and now I don’t know if I’m queasy because of it or if I’m just hungry because it’s lunch time.