THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is what Michael was doing at Tiffany's while I was getting my other ring fixed. I made a promise to stick around for at least another five years.

18 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "This is what Michael was doing at Tiffany's while I was getting my other ring fixed. I made a..."

I came home from work on Wednesday to a stinky bedroom because Josephine had vomited in her crate. Then she went outside and pooped on herself. The poop may or may not have appeared to be bloody. I went straight into worst case scenario and was certain that Josephine was going to die. Meanwhile, Michael is all "she's fine. she just ate something that doesn't agree with her." Except I was adamant that she had stomach cancer and was going to require thousands of dollars worth of surgery. The veterinarian office didn't think it sounded like an emergency and Michael took her in on Thursday.

She's fine. She just ate something that didn't agree with her. 

I could not be in New York, walking down 5th Avenue, without stopping in at Tiffany's. The mothership store houses six floors with real live people operating the elevators. I tend to head for the fourth floor when I'm visiting because that's where all of the silver jewelry is contained, but Michael wanted to look at the new ridiculous housewares section. So we started on the fifth floor. Once we were on the fourth floor, I headed straight over to the charms and picked up the scooter charm. It is an exact replica of my scooter and I want it. I want it. I'm afraid to get it though because I can't figure out how to wear it. If I get it on a bracelet, I might catch it on something and rip the charm off. If I put it on a chain, it will have to compete with the other pieces I wear around my neck. It could also poke a hole in my sternum if I get squashed. I am explaining all of this to Michael when he interrupts me and says "let's go look at rings."

We looked at rings and we had a really nice sales person who listened to everything we said about what we'd like in a ring. Then I tried on THE ring and Michael asked if we should get it. I looked at him and said "I'm going to let you decide that." Then I left him at the counter and went up to the sixth floor to have my old ring re-shaped and cleaned. Later on, when we were back at the apartment and winding down from the day, Michael told me the story of buying the ring. He had explained to the salesperson and whoever was also standing near by that five years is his assessment mark of a relationship. It used to be that at the end of five years he would either leave or get married. He's only been married once. We are coming up on our five year mark and he's at a crossroads. He doesn't want to leave, but because of student loans, financially we cannot get married. So he offered me this ring as an upgrade to the first ring and then asked if we could renew our contract for another five years. 

I looked at him and thought about it. He drives me crazy at times. We don't like the same kind of music. We don't gravitate to the same kinds of movies. There's a lot that we don't have in common. But when I say "I want chickens!", he builds a chicken coop. When I say "we should get a camper.", he does all of the research and work to get us a camper. When I am freaking out about the dog, he's doing whatever he can to help me stop freaking out. In fact, that tends to be is default job: Stop Cindy from Freaking Out. So, I said to him "I think that I will renew that five year contract." We'll see what happens in another five years. 

I am thankful for Michael. I am thankful that Josephine is not going to die from some horrible intestinal disease. I am thankful for all of the eggs the chickens are laying because it makes me think they know that Spring is just around the corner. I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Hope

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Hope"

Last Saturday, Michael and I went to IKEA to buy a futon for the basement. The basement is becoming a second living space and sleeping room for Michael. He's got our old TV set up down there along with his desk and computer. We had an old couch down there that he was sleeping on, but it reached the end of it's comfort ability. I suggested replacing it with a futon because it's a couch, it's a bed, it's a couch! And yes, we live at IKEA okay. Jeeze, get over it. Any way, we get in a check out line with our flat bed cart and then I peek around the people in front of us to see what's holding up the line. There is a woman at the checkout counter with two flat bed carts and one full (like Walmart on a Friday full) shopping cart. I convinced Michael to slide on over to the line next to us.

As we stood in our new line, I watched the show of getting this woman's stuff checked out. Her face looked so haggard and embarrassed at the chaos she was creating. We made it through checkout just as the woman and her teenage daughter were attempting to get their carts towards the exit doors. The mother was trying to push one of the flat bed carts with one hand while pulling the full cart. Her teenage daughter was behind, doing her best to maneuver the second flat bed cart. I don't know if you have any experience with pushing IKEA carts, but those things require skills. The wheels are designed to roll in any direction. If you are pushing a full cart, you are using all of your core muscles and arm strength to steer that cart in a forward motion that will not send you careening off into a display of vardagens, shattering them into a million pieces. Maneuvering two carts at once is suicide. 

Michael managed to swerve our cart around the woman and her daughter and make his way to the exit. I was following behind with nothing in my hand except a plant (that Josephine has already pulled out of the planter, by the way. I cannot have houseplants). I looked at the woman trying to push a cart while pulling a cart and I said "Can I help you push one of these carts? All I have is this plant." The look on her face was one of suspicion, but she agreed. We followed Michael to the elevators and he corralled us all on to the platform so we could make it all in one elevator trip. On the way down to the parking garage the woman told us that they had driven three hours to come to the store today and that one of her friends had requested some items. The woman said that she'd had no idea it was going to be so much stuff. She shook her head at her carts and looked slightly embarrassed. Michael and I shrugged off her embarrassment and reassured her that it could easily happen to anyone. We always go in to that store for one thing and then leave with a whole new bedroom.

The elevator doors opened to the parking garage and I continued to push the woman's cart over to her car, which was parked very close to where we had exited. When we all got to her car, she looked at me, placed her hands together and said "Thank you so much for your kindness." Her words were so genuine and the look in her eyes was of such gratitude. I replied "it was no problem." and I went to catch up with Michael. After we had loaded our stuff in the truck and Michael was pulling out of our parking space, I said "You know, I was really helping everyone when I was helping that woman." Michael nodded and said "Oh, I know. You were thinking globally and acting locally." That woman and her three carts were in the process of creating quite the traffic jam for those exiting the building, but also I could see the frustration on this woman's face. I could see her struggle and I recognized how easily I could be in her place. 

I am guilty of taking on more than I can chew more often than I can count. I will carry all of the grocery bags into the house in one trip as if I am a pack mule. Asking for help is not an option, but that doesn't mean I would not accept help if offered. Well...I might hesitate slightly at the offer, but eventually accept it. The description of 'pack mule' does not only apply to my ability/determination of carrying all of the things. I think that many of us can relate to this, that it is slightly easier to just accept help being offered than it is to ask for it out right. It feels nice to be the one offering and giving help and it was such a simple thing to do. It reminded me that the gift of gratitude is very powerful. Every week, I end this post by saying that I am grateful for you. I am grateful to those of you who read these posts without judgment. I do not ask you to read or follow this blog, but you do. So... thank you so much for your kindness. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Drip

9 Likes, 3 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Drip"

I've been reading the news stories about Cape Town and how if water levels do not stop decreasing in the next three months, this city is going to have to shut off the water supply to homes and businesses until the rains come. Cape Town is not some small village. We are talking about a city that is on par with major cities all around the world. It was named the World Design City in 2014 by the International Council of Societies of Industrial Design. It was also considered to be one of the world's top 'green' cities. They have gone above and beyond in conservation efforts from new pipes and water meters to tariffs on exceeding water limits. Today the daily water limit per person drops to 50 liters from 87 liters. For everyone. People just like you and me. It is estimated that the water will be shut off in April. The water crisis that is happening in Cape Town and other parts of the world are a direct result of climate change. Cape Town is waiting for rains that are not coming.

I once heard one of my college professors say that the biggest battle we will have will not be over oil or who owns the oil supplies. It will be over water. It is far easier for me to see a world struggling for water resources than one searching for fuel, mostly because we've come up with alternative options for energy. There's not really an alternate source for water. We can build desalination plants that pull salt from ocean water, but those plants are expensive. They use a lot of energy and pollute the air and water ways. They disrupt marine life and fishing industries. It is not a sustainable solution. We can conserve, but while we are conserving we must come up with other water sources. It is all too often taken for granted that when I turn the handle on any of the faucets in my home or where I work, that water is going to flow freely from the tap. I don't even think about. I read a quote from a woman who said "you cannot mix up baby formula without water." That sentence floored me. 

I try to be mindful and conserve water. I don't let the water run while I'm brushing my teeth and I dump my water glass into one of the house plants. I recognize though, that I could do more. I have space for rain barrels. The water they collect could be used for watering the garden or even the chickens. I leave the water running while hand washing the dishes. That's more of an OCD cleanliness thing that I need to get over. I can and do support legislation that promotes research and infrastructure for dealing with our changing climate. I support scientists who are out there gathering data and information so that we can come up with solutions for a cleaner, healthier planet. It sounds really easy for me to be grateful for water. Such a simple thing. But today, I am thankful that I have access to a clean source of water. And because I am so grateful for this, I am going to continue to do what I can for this planet we live on. 

I am thankful for many things this week, like healthy bodies and ginger tea (water). I am thankful for the moments I have laughed in ernest. I am thankful for sunshine even when it is bitter cold outside. I am thankful for you. 

(I looked into ways to help Cape Town and could not find anything reliable. You can always make donations to Charity Water or The American Red Cross Disaster Relief.)

THANKFUL FRIDAY

3/365 Warrior

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "3/365 Warrior"

Someone recently asked me how 2018 was treating me. I replied that I kind of felt like I was failing at all the things I had set out to do this year. That person then said "Cindy! It's only January!", except I heard "It's already January!" And I fell over with anxiety. I know this is just my brain playing tricks on me. My brain is an asshole. Yesterday, I read an article about a woman with sudden onset depression. It turned out that she had ovarian cancer. They removed it and everything turned out okay, but as I read the article I thought "I HAVE ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS! I HAVE OVARIAN CANCER!" I do not have ovarian cancer.

Really, I didn't set any specific goals for 2018. So it is pretty silly to think that I am already failing at goals that were not set. I started another 365 day project on Flickr, taking a picture of myself every day and the project is becoming my morning meditation. It seems that I am more creative and more apt to take a selfie at seven in the morning. Those days (weekends really) where I don't get going in the mornings and I end up putting the picture off until later in the day are days where I just basically point the camera at my face and click. I started this project because for a while now, I've been looking in the mirror and seeing a sad saggy fat face on top of a lumpy sack of potatoes with arms and legs. Almost a whole month into this project and I still see that face and body. It's just a little less saggy, fat and potato like. I captured a picture of myself in Warrior II and when I looked back at the picture I thought "Wow! Look at that ninety degree angle of that front leg!" Side note: I still cannot get myself into Marichyasana. It is as if the yoga gods looked at me one day and decided that after years of doing this pose that I was done with it. Move on. 

What has pleased me so far about this project is that I have not gone out of my way to set up some elaborate shot. I've kept things simple and when I edit the images, I use the same filters and edits. As a result, my 365 day album is acquiring a clean, glowing look. The photo album is inspired by a series of photos that were on display at the Nelson some time ago. I forget the artist, but she had photographed herself daily. All of the images used the same backdrop and it was rare to see a picture of her face. You only saw pieces of her. There was something so honest about this idea and I thought about how we only see pieces of each other. An Instagram picture. A blog post. A status update on Facebook. We infer so much about others from these snippets and these snippets are part of who we are, what we believe and think. But those pieces do not tell the full story or show the whole picture of us. It reminds me to use those snippets wisely. I learn something or gain some kind of insight every time I participate in one of these 365 day projects. I am thankful for the lessons I am already learning from this year's project. I am thankful that I am not already failing at 2018. 

I am thankful for the warmer temperatures. I am thankful for the two students who consistently show up to my evening yoga classes. I am thankful for my own daily practice on the mat. I am thankful for those moments when Josephine spends a whole bunch of time digging around and building a nest in the blanket next to me on the couch. Then she abandons it before even trying to lay down in her nest so that she can come curl up in my lap instead. Those are sweet moments. 

I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Patina

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Patina"

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to sub a Saturday morning yoga class at the same place I'm teaching during the week. I've taken to setting up my mat in what has become obviously opposite of where all the other teachers set up. It's a strategic move. The space has mirrors on most of the two walls of the room. If I set up opposite of those mirrors, then the student are facing away from them. Mirrors are distracting and they pull your focus off your mat and away from just feeling what is going on with your body. That Saturday morning, I walked into the room and started setting up my spot for teaching. There were already a few mats down on the floor where some people had set up their space. My position put these mats on the front row. 

One older gentleman stood over to the side doing some light stretches. He looked at me and asked "Are you subbing for Gina?" I smiled and replied "Yes. I'm your sub for the day." The man made a face and then started to grumble as he walked over to his mat. Then he dragged his mat away from the front of the room. He stayed though. It was a big class and consisted of mostly the Silver Sneakers crowd. After class was over, several students came up to me to tell me just how much they enjoyed my teaching. One woman even asked if I was teaching any where else. I watched that older gentleman out of the corner of my eye as he rolled up his mat and then left. I hoped that I hadn't made the class too unpleasant for him. He had been so displeased that I was there instead of the teacher he was used to. So you can image how surprised I was to see him show up for my Wednesday class and then again for this last Wednesday evening class. In fact he was my only student on Wednesday and we had a great class together. 

Even though I only had one student in my class that night, I left there giving myself a little fist pump and a "YES!" because I had won over this older gentleman enough to keep him coming to my classes. These classes I'm teaching have had some pretty variable attendance from thirty students one day to one student the next. It's new to the schedule and the weather has been terrible. Getting a class established takes time. I am not upset when I end up with only one student. I am also getting used to this new schedule and getting back into a habit of writing down a class that can be adapted depending on the kind of students that show up. I am getting used to the pacing of a class and at times I feel at a loss of descriptive words. I'm a bit rusty or at least I feel a bit rusty at all of this. I am grateful for the validation that I'm doing this well. I am grateful for those moments while I'm teaching when I feel strong and confident. At some point during the class something will just shift into place and suddenly I will be all "Yeah...I totally know what I'm doing." Which is something I can't always say with confidence in other parts of my life.

I am thankful for above freezing temperatures. I am thankful for small but mighty dogs. I am thankful for my yoga practice. I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael and I are planning a big camping trip to Colorado with the Cabbage this summer. I have told him stories of the family campground resorts that we would sometimes stay in when I was a kid. I talked about kids running around in packs and the movie nights and the potlucks with Bingo. All of those places seemed to be stuck in the 50s and had this nostalgic Amercana feel. Dad and I would joke about how cheesy some of it all seemed at times, but we all enjoyed ourselves. I want that for the Cabbage. I want her to be able to just run off with another pack of kids and hang out around the big bonfire making s'mores. I would also like to leave some of Dad's ashes in Colorado since it was his most favorite place to visit. 

Earlier this week I had a dream that Michael and I were setting up our camper in this tiny camp spot that we were sharing with Mom and Dad. They're camper was already set up and Dad was puttering around the campsite, asking us questions about our setup process. I remember that everything was wet, like it had just rained. Dad asked me if everything was okay. I nodded. Then he said "let's get the campfire going" and we all sat around the campfire. The sun had just dropped down. Yet when I looked up at the sky, it had already filled up with stars. I stared up in amazement and I urgently tugged at Michael's sleeve. "Do you see this?!?! Do you see this sky?!" I said to him while sweeping my arms wide. It was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes and I woke up with my pillow and cheeks damp from the tears. 

I remember on that very last trip, waking up around two in the morning and stumbling to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, I glanced up at the sky and what I saw in that first brief glance nearly knocked me flat to the ground. It was as if the sky was only inches from my face. I could feel the weight of space pressing down on me and I felt dizzy as I looked up at the wonder of all of it. In all of our many many trips to Colorado, I don't remember ever seeing the sky look so breathtaking as I did on that last trip. I imagine that it is always just as remarkable but that this time was the first time I was actually paying attention. I want Michael to see this sky. The truth, though, is that my memories might just be all memories. We might end up at Fun Valley Campground to discover that they've traded in Bingo night for how to pin stuff to Pinterest. Those packs of roving children will no longer be roving, but sitting around the Wifi router. The Cabbage is already disappointed that our pop-up does not have a TV.

The one thing I can be sure about is that dang sky. 

I am thankful for all of those memories. I am thankful for those times that Dad visits me in my dreams. I am thankful that there is a sleeve of someone that I urgently want to tug so that I can show them something amazing. 

I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

4/365 Jump

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "4/365 Jump"

Way back, when I was finishing up my Masters Degree, I was working really hard and writing my dissertation. My advisor did not read my dissertation before my defense, which I did not completely pass. My committee sent me away with revisions. I did those revision and my advisor again did not read my dissertation before my final committee meeting. Though my committee was happy with the revisions and passed me, I still had to turn in a complete dissertation approved by my advisor. Meanwhile, I had gotten a job in Oklahoma City and marked the calendar in our lab with my last day at OSU two months in advance. I spent those two months staring at my dissertation. On my last day, I took my lab key to my advisor and he looked at me confused. I told him that today was my last day. He looked at me and said "You can't leave. Your dissertation is the worst thing I've ever read." 

I was too shocked to argue with him or to even believe he had finally read the paper. My advisor had been unavailable every time I had gone to him to talk about my paper. For months, I had asked him at least once a day if he had read it yet or if we could sit down and talk about the paper. Every time he would either put it off or tell me that things were going just fine and to just keep writing. So for him to tell me at the very last minute that my paper needed a complete and total rewrite was like being dropped into the Arctic ocean. I managed to stammer out to him that my last day had been scheduled and on his calendar for two months and I had a commitment to this other place. I handed him my key and left. I enrolled in more nothing hours so I could have another semester to turn in my dissertation and earn my diploma. I heard nothing from my advisor for over a month. I rewrote my dissertation and sent it to him. Then Chris basically had to stalk my advisor to get him to sign off on the final revision. 

The whole process rocked any confidence I had in myself and things only got worse when I started that first job out of graduate school. I went into a core facility that required all kinds of molecular biology lab techniques that I had zero experience with. I don't even know how I got hired for the job and I was terrible at it. I would have good days where I'd get reactions started and a gel loaded and every thing would go just right. Then the next day I would repeat all of the steps from the good day and everything would practically catch on fire. The other women in the lab were not the most kind and it was often very much a Mean Girl kind of environment. It was not a big shock to me when the facility lost a grant that I was the first and only one 'laid off'. In fact I had already started looking for another job before I got the news. By the time I started in Margaret's lab, I was pretty convinced that I was not smart enough to be a research scientist. Since I had no other prospects or talents and was the sole breadwinner of our household, I didn't really have a choice but to join Margaret's lab. 

This turned out to be the best decision (other than the scooter purchase) I have ever made because this is when I started to get some of that lost confidence back. Turns out that I am not as dumb as I thought I was. I was just stuck in a job that was not suited to the way my brain works. Now I'm super confident in my work and sometimes I even say some really smart things. That confidence spilled over into other aspects of my life and for a brief moment I believed that I could do anything. My confidence got rocked again when Chris died. I just sort of lost myself, doubted myself, forgot that I was not just Chris and Cindy, but my own person. To be honest, my relationship with Michael hasn't really helped me regain that confidence. I still doubt myself. Recently I was asked to conjure one word to represent something I want in 2018 and was surprised (and a little embarrassed at the selfish idea of it) to see the word "me" float around in my brain. It reminded me of the video that's gone viral of the toddler who refuses help buckling her carseat. She tells her parent "You worry about yourself!" 

Worry about yourself.

In these first few days of this brand new year, I have felt more solid in myself than I have in the whole of all of last year. Some of that has to do with regaining some lost confidence and some of that is due to focusing more on worrying about myself. There's gratitude to be had in these lessons. I am grateful to feel that maybe, just possibly, I could do anything. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Baby, you're a star.

10 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Baby, you're a star."

I was chatting with a friend I hadn't talked to in a long time. We spent some time catching up and then our conversation shifted to gifts we had purchased for our kids this year. (Wait...did I mention I'm totally winning Christmas this year? I've probably mentioned it once or twice, but for real, I am winning Christmas this year.) This friend and I were talking about kid presents today and I mentioned that kids get stuff all the damn time. Christmas probably isn't as big of a deal for them as it was for us. She totally agreed. She said that when she sees something she knows her son will like, she just goes ahead buys it then and doesn't wait to give it him. I'm kind of guilty of the same thing. I try to pick up something off the $1-3 section in Target for the Cabbage every time I'm in Target. I think that I'll save it for her stocking or Valentine's day or Easter, but I never do. 

My friend and I lamented together on how our Strawberry Shortcake collections would have been completed faster or at all if we hadn't had to wait for Christmas. I had to confess that I was never at a want for Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Between my mother and my sister-in-law, I was literally covered in Strawberry Shortcake. My Mom made me an exact replica of Strawberry Shortcake's outfit for Halloween one year. She also made an entire bedroom set, canopy for my bed, pillow cases/shams, comforter and curtains out of Strawberry Shortcake themed material, as well as placemats and napkins for my little table. Even so, I could not expect to be in a store and just get whatever Strawberry Shortcake item at any given time. That collection was acquired through Christmas and birthday gifts. So many of my childhood Christmas memories include sneaking downstairs at two or three in the morning to get a peak at what Santa had brought me. There was nothing like seeing that one thing I had spent months asking and begging for sitting under the Christmas tree or the feeling of surprise because you just weren't sure Santa was going to make that wish come true. Like the year I'd begged for a beagle puppy. Odie was the best Christmas present I ever received. 

There's nothing on her list that the Cabbage has been pining over for months or leaving gentle reminder notes and hints about. But I know we've gotten her some gifts that she is not expecting. I tried to stick with a want/need/wear/read list for her this year. The things she needs are storage solutions for her toys. She's going to open two storage boxes from IKEA and I can't wait to see that crestfallen look of disappointment on her face. Because what kid is excited about storage solutions for Christmas? I also can't wait to see her reaction to the other surprises we have in store for her, the ones that I know will make her whoop with joy. That's the best lesson those childhood Christmases ever taught me was what a joy it is to be able to give such a gift that creates so much happiness and joy. I am thankful for that lesson. I am also thankful for gifts that don't come wrapped up in fancy paper, like the gift of good friends and family. Or...the gift of a new addition to the framily. Chad, Jess and Austin signed adoption papers yesterday. It is official. Chad and Jess are parents of a teenager and every time I look at their new family picture, I burst into happy tears. I cannot even open my mouth to tell other people this wonderful news without starting to ugly cry. 

Here's to a wonderful Holiday. May it be filled with joy and laugher and happy tears. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Third night

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Third night"

Tuesday evening marked the first night of Hanukah. Michael and I rushed through our lighting of the first candle and Hanukkah prayers because we had to get across town for the Cabbage's school Christmas play. She was the Reindeer Whisperer, which was a very important part because her character saves Christmas. The performers were all first graders and I commend the music teacher for her ability to herd a hundred cats. One of my favorite performers was a kid dressed as a reindeer. His signature dance move was the pelvic thrust while wiggling his fingers at his family in the audience. The kid playing Santa had a broken leg. He spent the performance seated in a big chair center stage. Occasionally he would pick up his good leg and play with the bottom of his shoe. At the middle point in the play, he pulled his fake beard off and thoroughly scratched his face with both hands.  The whole production was spectacular, including the moment Mrs. Santa broke character to yell "WE NEED THE REINDEERS DOWN HERE!"

On the second night of Hanukkah, everyone got home late and it was well after sundown when we lit our menorah candles and said our prayers. We stood there for maybe a minute longer than we had the previous night. Both of us were tired. Michael is fighting the sinus congestion cold that I had all weekend and I am still dealing with the aftermath of all that congestion. Both of had to stop gazing at the burning candles in order to go blow our noses. The third night of Hanukkah was not much different from the second night of Hanukkah, with the two of us cramming in the candle lighting between making dinner and paying bills. We are definitely, unintentionally, lacking in enthusiasm this year, but we persist. We persist because of the third blessing that was said on the first night: 

Praised are You, Our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has given us life and sustained us and enabled us to reach this season.

We put the emphasis on the part about being able to reach this season, because ain't that truth. 

The Cabbage mentioned something about getting a different stocking for our house. I made a big fuss over the blood, sweat and cursing that went into the making of her stocking. I'd had a hard time getting the sewing machine to work properly that year. Michael asked me when I had made my stocking. I told him that I had made my stocking along with Hooper's the year before I had made his and the Cabbage's. Michael thought about this for a minute and then said "Wait...you made a stocking for yourself and your dog for your first Christmas alone and then your dog died before Christmas? That's the saddest story." I just shrugged, but was thinking that it all depends on how you look at things. Sure it was sad, but at the same time appropriately hilarious because it is a dark comedy that only Chris could have written for the big screen. Of course the heroine of the story loses her husband and her dog in the same year. That's just the first five minutes of this movie. It's what she does after those losses that has the audience standing in ovation. 

So yeah...I am thankful for whatever enables us to reach this season. I am also thankful for the reminder to pause, even if it is just for a short moment, in our busy daily life to recognize and honor the fact that we are still here, still kicking, still putting up the good fight. And speaking of putting up the good fight, I want to thank the Black women of Alabama for getting out and rocking that vote on Tuesday. It is one thing for me to say thank you through social media, but I want to do better than that. So I'm trying to figure out a way to move either my monthly Planned Parenthood donation or monthly Donors Choose donation to the NAACP. I can't do all three, but I will find a way! It may mean that I end up helping out physically with campaigns and doing more foot work. I recognize that I can do more to show my gratitude. Actually, there is something I want more of in the next year and that would be more gratitude in action. 

I am thankful for Terry (he knows why). I am thankful for my Neti pot. I am thankful for lunch with a friend who has spent the last year just traveling all around this planet. I am thankful to hear her stories. I am thankful for the little surprises that come with this season. And...I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Wednesday

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Wednesday"

It is cold. We all know how I feel about the cold. It turns me into a complete crankpot. It makes me think about my retirement and how it will include living in a tropical or at the very least temperate location. I grumble a lot in this weather and I don't like it. It makes being grateful really really hard. The other evening, I stood up to leave my therapist's office and remembered that I had to put my coat on. I said "Oh.. I have to put on my coat." I caught the tone of my voice and felt a little ugly. So I changed it and said "I get to put on my coat." I was all proud of myself with that one until my therapist said "I have a coat to put on." I felt a little smacked in the face with that one.

Yes, she is right. I have a coat to put on when the weather is cold. That is truly something to be grateful for when there are so many who do not have coats or warm clothes or money to pay for heat. It started me thinking. I do not have a spare coat to give, but I was wondering if I could buy a coat. There are plenty of coats in thrift stores. What if I purchased three coats from a thrift store and then donated them a homeless shelter? Sure, they're used coats, but I'm working within my financial means. Coats, maybe a few blankets. This something simple I can do to help those less fortunate. This is gratitude in action. 

Josephine is another year older and another minute more hilarious. I came home yesterday to find that she had pulled one of the house plants clean out of the pot. I don't know where the plant is. All that remains is the empty pot and a trail of dirt leading out through the kitchen. She keeps us on our toes. We took her with us to Melissa's for Thanksgiving. It was a house full of people and little kids and food. Josephine maneuvered her way around the rooms like a party pro. She was polite and loving and so good. I was so proud of her. Then she slept all the way home and well into the next day. I am thankful for our little dog. 

She keeps my feet warm. 

I'm thankful for warm coats. I am thankful for little dogs. I am thankful for quiet evenings and good health. I am thankful that friends in California are safe, though displaced. I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Fun with lasers

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Fun with lasers"

Michael missed three days of school this week because some yuck virus that seems to be going around. Twenty something other staff members from his school were out with it too. I am determined not to get it and so far my voodoo rituals have been working. My stomach is a little gurgly from all of the EmergenC I've been drinking and my nose is tingly from all of the tree oil I've shoved up there. I came home Wednesday evening with some sinus pain and a slight fever. I guzzled down more EmergenC and coated the inside of my nose with more tee tree oil, took some ibuprofen and went to bed. I woke up the next morning feeling okay. So maybe...just maybe, I'll avoid this round of plague. I'll wipe down the inside of the house with Clorox wipes this weekend and boil all the linens just to be sure we rid the house of all of the yuck germs. Though I am starting to wonder if it's possible to overdose on vitamin C.  

I'm feeling pretty good these days, at least physically. My moods are bit a manic, but it's the Holidays and that's another story. I stepped on the scale this week and discovered that I have officially lost ten pounds. If I lose five more pounds, I will be the weight I was when I was the skinniest I had ever been. Those were the days when Friday night dinner was a bottle of wine and a sleeve of saltine crackers. I'm perfectly okay with being this current weight. This morning, I put on the Levi's I'd purchased a few months ago. I hadn't really been wearing them because even though they fit, they were uncomfortable. Now they fit just right. I keep looking down at my long skinny legs and my somewhat smaller gut and doing a little happy dance. My guilty pleasure music is Kesha's latest album and I've been shaking my butt to it all morning. This body is better at almost forty two than it was at twenty two. When I turn fifty, I'm totally going to walk around kicking and punching and declaring "I'm fifty!"

It's nice to be heading into December feeling healthy. The usual feeling around this time of year is to just throw in the towel and say "I'll fix it next year." I resolve to be healthy! This is not a New Year's resolution for me. It's a daily resolution just like the one I have where I start my day telling myself to be the best person I can be today. Somedays, I am not my best and I don't even try. Somedays, I eat a whole lot of cheese. But most days, I do a pretty okay job of being my best self and not eating my weight in cheese. I am thankful for most days, but I'm not going to lie. I am also thankful for cheese. I am thankful Michael is feeling better. I am thankful for vitamin C and tee tree oil. I am thankful for this body... right now... in this moment.

I am always super thankful for you. 

THANKFUL

Lunch time crafts

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Lunch time crafts"

In a few weeks, I will start teaching two yoga classes a week at the Red Bridge YMCA. After I talked to the director and left the facility with this news, I realized that I was elated with the prospects of teaching again. The feeling surprised me. It was almost like something inside me had been slightly misaligned and the prospect of teaching again set it all back into place. I didn't even know there was something off kilter until it clicked back into place. I had just assumed all this time that I was content with just my own practice and I believe that I was... for awhile. But I was made to teach yoga. It is part of who I am.

When Chris died, I lost my bearings. I started to question everything about myself and who I was. Who am I without Chris? This was the question that I was continuously asking myself. For so many years I had only seen myself as Cindy and Chris, Chris and Cindy. We were a unit and when he was gone, I fell to pieces. I was left with putting pieces of me back together and oh so often, I wound up putting those pieces back in the wrong way. Through trial and error, I have been working to set those pieces as straight as can be straight. Along the way I started to find the pieces of myself that make me who I am. The question is no longer 'who am I without Chris?'. The question is 'who am I?'. I didn't become me the day I met Chris. I have always been this girl. Brave, yet insecure. Creative and practical and at times philosophical. Chris just enhanced all of that. He pushed back those insecurities that might have kept me from being my best self. The pieces of my best self are still there. They've just been stuck in the wrong orientation.

Things are falling back into place. 

My therapist left me with this for Thanksgiving. It's a quote from Immanuel Kant.

Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. 

It sounds very simple and funny really considering the length we all go through to find happiness, all the self help books we've read and projects we've started. I have all of the pieces required to fulfill those rules for happiness. My job fulfills my brainy side. Teaching yoga fills me with joy. Michael has been around through some of my trials and errors in fitting those broken pieces back in place and surprisingly, he's stuck around. He sticks around. We're making plans for our future, working together on finances so that we can pick a day to gut our kitchen. Michael's been using the IKEA kitchen planner to build our new kitchen and we futz and tweak it just about every night. We have many things to hope for. This makes me very grateful.

I am thankful for all of those pieces. I am thankful for my friends and family and the time we will have together over the next few days. I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * May 25, 2012 at 3:13pm UTC

2 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram

The other day I was looking for a particular picture in my Instagram feed. I ended up scrolling all the way to very bottom of my feed, all the way back the very first picture I posted on May 5th 2012. Chris had been dead for three months. My hair was long. A few days later in my feed, is a picture of Hooper. Scrolling up from the first picture, you can watch my life unfold as I deal with grief and live a life of a single woman. I lose weight and buy new shorts. I eat salads out of serving bowls. I visit Talaura in New York. I cut off all my hair, back to my normal self. I visit Chad and Jess in Atlanta. I spend my first Christmas with out Chris and with out Hooper because by this time I've had to say goodbye to him too. There's a picture of my luggage all stacked up in the living room with the caption of "home". I came back from Oklahoma that year to a truly empty house. 

As the next year scrolls along, you see me go to Lindsay's wedding and not so much catching the bouquet, as picking it up from the floor. I get my first mammogram. Various friends and family members visit and then I go to Amy's wedding. By this time, I've met Michael but he doesn't show up in my Instagram feed for over a month and then he becomes a regular appearance along with the Cabbage. Eventually Josephine shows up in the feed, so tiny and then Albus. I forgot about how he was such a tiny little kitten when he came to us. There are plenty of pictures of my travels alone, but just as many pictures of our travels together. At some point in there you see a shift in the quality of my images. My Instagram feed starts to look a little nicer. I don't know if that's just me making an effort or a reflection of my life becoming a little nicer. 

The next thing I'm going to tell you might sound a little selfish, but one of the things I love about my Instagram feed is that it does not include Chris. I started the account after Chris died. Sure, there are pictures of places where I have left Chris over the years, but there are not any picture of Chris being silly or looking at me in the way he used to look at me. It does not bring me physical pain to scroll through these images, which is not the case for some of the other places I store images. It's not that I don't want to remember that time. I have pictures of Chris and I up in my (our) house now. I just don't want to drag myself through all of it every time I want to look up an old picture. But also, my Instagram feed is a testimony to my resilience and strength. It tells me that there is life after Chris and I am thankful for this reminder. I am also thankful for all of the good things I see in that feed. 

I have a good life and that's something to be thankful for. I am also thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

"It's like, Wow!"

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: ""It's like, Wow!""

Well...it's happened. It actually started weeks ago. The weather thing. It's cold. Some parts of Kansas City even saw snow on Halloween. Coming from a place where you might, just might, have to wear a jacket over your costume on Halloween, the idea of having to wear a coat and gloves and mittens is boggling. I kept thinking that it was just a fluke, that we'd get some kind of warm front and an Indian Summer would settle in, but it's just gotten colder. Sunday, I helped Michael winterize and cover the camper and then we spent the rest of the day pouting about putting the camper away for the winter. We all know how I feel about winter. 

Here's the upside to the cold weather:

• The cat, who is not a particularly loving cuddling creature (October was squirrel murder month), will curl up or stretch out in my lap. The dog will either stretch out alongside the cat or sit on the cat. They'll stay this way for as long as I will let them. 
• Josephine sleeps under the comforter curled up next to my side. In the mornings, she will go outside and do her thing and then run right back in and dive back under the comforter. If I leave the bedroom door open, the cat will follow her and then curl up in the bottom right corner of the bed. 
• The other night, I was cradling a hot bowl of ramen in my hands and I said "this is all I want to eat all winter long." Many people might be thinking that I'm talking about the ramen noodle packages we all consumed copious amounts of in college and feel a little sad for me. This is not the ramen I am talking about. I still use the dried ramen noodles because Michael doesn't like the fresh ones, but I make my own miso broth. I sauté green onions with shitake mushroom and bok choy and maybe some shrimp or a white fish in a Hoisson/Tamari sauce. Then I cook the noodles in the miso broth and when they're done I pull them out and place them in a bowl. Sometimes I poach a couple of eggs in the miso broth. I top the noodles with my sautéed vegetables and fish and poached egg and then I pour the miso broth on top. It's not as cheap as a ramen noodle pack, but it's cheaper than eating out and it is delicious and easy. 
• I can touch Michael's bare arm with one finger and make him yelp like he's been hit with a cattle prod because my hands are soooo cold. 
• I think about (but only think about) starting some sort of knitting/crochet project. I don't even know how to crochet, but I feel like I need a new winter hat and I've been seeing some really cute crocheted stuffed animals. 
• The sun has shifted so that now when it comes in the window at work in the mornings, it reflects off the glass of my cubicle and makes rainbows on the walls. 

Here's what I am learning about myself. I am a doer and a mover and a shaker. I am usually the first to deny all of that because I don't think I do, move or shake enough. This is why I am never still. The cold weather makes it easier for me to be still. Not mentally easier, but physically easier. It's hard to pry those animals off my lap.  They are also warm. It's like having my own personal furnace. Actually, most of the benefits of the cold weather all have to do with warm things. I am thankful for warm pets and warm bowls of ramen noodles. I probably shouldn't be thankful for the sadistic joy I get out of torturing Michael with my cold hands, but it's something that makes me laugh and therefore worthy of gratitude. I am thankful for inspiration and I am thankful for that shift in the sun. Because..RAINBOWS at WORK. That's pretty special. 

I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Texts with strangers

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Texts with strangers"

One evening this week, as I was getting ready to wash my face before bed, I noticed something sticking out of the drain in our bathroom sink. I plucked the thing out only to find that it was a pumpkin seed that had sprouted. I can only assume that the seed ended up there when the Cabbage washed her hands after carving our pumpkins. The drain in the bathroom sink is a modern drain and it's easy enough for something the size of a pumpkin seed to rest undetected just under the the drain cover. That's what happened. The seed sat hidden for almost three weeks, getting plenty of water and minimal sunlight, until it finally started to grow. It sounds like a title for a great children's' book. There's a Pumpkin Growing in My sink! I should tuck this idea away to go along with the egg that has four yolks. 

Sometimes, I will be floating along through my days while either feeling not much of anything or the weight of all that is wrong with everything everywhere and I will forget to notice the little things. This week it started with a seed sprouting in my sink. It was as if the seed had been purposefully planted there for me to find, to be reminded of the simple beauty of cell division. This was followed with a simple text from a phone number I did not recognize that read:

"I know this is hard on you. just wanted you to know that im praying for you too. Darwina."

At first, I racked my brain trying to remember if I knew anyone named 'Darwina'. Then I wondered what Darwina knew that I didn't. "I know this is hard on you." What? Life? Breathing? Trying to be happy when half the time I feel nothing? Yeah...Darwina, it is really hard. How did you know? 

Of course I knew that this had to be a text sent to the wrong number. I don't know a Darwina, nor did I have a clue really what she was talking about. I replied politely to her text and we had a brief exchange of pleasantries. So often something like this happens and the person on the other end of the line turns angry and hostile. Just earlier this week, I called a number that had called me three times in a two hours. I didn't answer it because I didn't recognize the number, but after three attempts to contact me, I though maybe I should see what they wanted. I called the number and the man who answered was rude. He said he hadn't called me and asked me how I got his number. I explained that I had just hit the return call button on my phone, that it was this number that was listed in my missed calls list. It was a far different exchange than the one I had with Darwina, that's for sure. Then I thought "why can't all exchanges be as pleasant and polite?" 

This week I am thankful for seeds that sprout even in the non hospitable conditions. I am thankful for this reminder that I am a lot like this seed, sprouting and growing in adversary. I am thankful for unintentional words of support from complete strangers. I am thankful for the reminder how things are just better when we respond to each other with kindness and understanding.

I am thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Shadows

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Shadows"

I've been fighting a patch of poison ivy on the inside of my left elbow for three weeks. I didn't think it was poison ivy because I hadn't done any actual yard work in ages. I did wrap my arm around a few trees while hanging lights on our camping trip. I assumed they were oak mite bites. This is the Fall time pest that usually attacks me, except the usual remedies that work on oak mites was not working on my elbow. I haven't really slept that well for the last two weeks. I just lay there, scratching. We were in IKEA on Sunday and I walked up to Michael as he was waiting in line at Smaland to retrieve the Cabbage. I pulled up my sleeve and started scratching away and he grabbed my wrist, yanking my arm out and said "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?" This caught the attention of the woman standing next to us who was also waiting to collect a child. She leaned over my shoulder to get a closer look as Michael said "you need to go the doctor. That woman thinks so too." 

I turned to look at the woman who was making a face at my arm. She told us she was a nurse and that, yeah...I should go to the doctor. I went to the doctor on Monday and got a steroid shot, which is a first. Usually they give me the pill pack. The first thing I noticed was not an ease in the itchiness, but extreme anxiety. I have been anxious about ALL. OF. THE. THINGS. this week. I have just sat at my desk tapping my feet with anxiety. I even started picking at the skin on my thumb, something I haven't done since I stopped playing my cello. I was fretting about how we were going to pay bills and where we were going to live when the sea levels rise and the two bags of donation clothes that I have yet to donate. Speaking of donations, I was also having anxiety about not being able to give enough money to help all of the hurricane people and the refugees in Syria. Because I'm broke. And holy crap, the lights in Suzanne's lantern will not turn off.

Michael and I had a come to Jesus talk about finances where we came up with a plan to fix the debt hole we've slowly been digging. Then I had a really good talk with my therapist and Thursday morning, I woke up to discover that my anxiety had been replaced with a case of hyperactivity. I danced around in my underwear while getting ready for work, listening to an Arcade Fire inspired radio station. I hit my 10,000 steps early in the day and did six miles in way less time than what I usually do on the bicycle. Then, a coworker asked me if I liked Arcade Fire and I rambled on and on about all the songs she should listen to and oh my god, how did she know I had been listening to that station all day!!!? Today, my arm hardly itches at all and my hyperactivity level is down to about that of a squirrel who is fully prepared for winter: still a little edgy, but not panicking. 

One of the things I talked about with my therapist this week was on the list of things that make me anxious. This would be time. In all aspects. I get anxious about being late. I get anxious about not having enough time. And mostly, I get frustrated in not having the time to do the things I want to do in a day. I told her about how I have lost my meditation practice and that I have half finished writing projects that I want to work on but can't seem to get my time managed appropriately to do those things. She knows that I get on my yoga mat every day and she asked me if I take a moment during my practice to be grateful for being on my mat. I told her that I always ended my practice with a moment of gratitude for the time I spent in my practice. She said that little moments of gratitude like that are like little pats on the back. It's like telling yourself 'good job!' What if I applied a moment of gratitude into those moments just when I sit down to work on something? Whatever that something might be. I am thankful to be sitting down for meditation today. I am thankful for this thirty minutes of writing time. That sort of thing, but to not limit gratitude to tasks you are attempting. Be grateful for the things I did accomplish.

I am thankful for the tasks I have accomplished at work this week. I am thankful for small tasks I have accomplished at home this week. I am thankful for a new perspective on my gratitude practice. I am thankful this poison ivy is mostly gone. I am thankful for you.

(This post is so long! Can you tell I'm on drugs!??!)

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Resting

7 Likes, 3 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Resting"

This week, I walked into my therapist's office and immediately flopped down onto her chase lounge just like you see people do in the movies. She looked down at me and asked "are we laying down today?". I nodded my head yes and she went to her chair and sat down with an "okay!". I usually sit. Sometimes I kick my shoes off and tuck my feet into a lotus position, but I never lay down. Usually because I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall asleep. For some reason though, I decided that maybe the possibility of accidentally falling asleep through a session wasn't on the top of my list of some of the worst things I could do. I laid there for a few minutes, not saying anything, just being still. Finally, I took a deep breath and said "sometimes, it is nice to just be still." and my therapist agreed with me and then we sat in stillness for a few minutes before beginning our session. 

I struggle with stillness. While we were on our camping trip a couple of weekends ago, I was constantly up and fiddling about, straightening this, cleaning up that. Michael and Ted had gone to the store, leaving me and Jennifer alone at camp with the girls. They had been gone long enough for Jennifer and I to realize that we had made a terrible mistake in letting the two of them go to the store by themselves. I sat down in my camp chair and said "Okay...I'm going to not move from this chair for fifteen minutes." A second later I was up and doing something around the camp site. This is normal behavior. When Talaura was visiting, I kept us busy running us around the city all day. We would get home and I would still be up and about, messing with laundry or cleaning the kitchen. At one point Talaura even said "Cindy...why don't you sit down and rest?" She knew that I had to be running on fumes and she knew that I probably needed permission from someone else that it was okay to relax.

I know it must sound kind of surprising to hear that someone who practices yoga and writes about mindfulness has a hard time being still. Savasana, or final relaxation pose, still remains the most challenging, yet most important pose in my practice. Some days are better than others of course. This is true of anything, but there are times when I surrender easily into savasana. I get up from my mat after those easy savasanas feeling slightly loopy and then take forever getting my mat folded up and my shoes back on. I know it is possible for me to be still. I just have to work at it. This week, I have been practicing moments of stillness. I've been looking into going back to temple to get my meditation practice under control. I've sat with the dog draped across my lap while reading a book. I have surrendered completely to savasanas.

I am thankful for this practice in stillness.  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The weather has turned crisp with temperatures low enough that we had to turn on the furnace. My morning loops outside have left me with apple cheeks and a runny nose. It is the kind of weather I first experienced on a trip that I took to Seattle with Chris ages ago. I am reminded of that trip ever time Fall rolls around here. I remember that first morning in Seattle when Chris and I walked to the REI mother(ship) store. We hadn't packed coats, only light jackets and sweaters. My hands were so cold. By the the time we reached REI, the tips of my fingers were numb. It was too early for the store to be open, so we ducked inside a coffee shop just across the street. It was our first time in a coffee shop where each cup of coffee was made individually.  We'd never seen anything like it. Now these coffee shops are our norm, dotting every neighborhood and branching into the even fancier drip coffee. I bought thin cotton gloves at REI.

We experienced similar weather on our trip to Portland, more so on the day we drove to Newport Beach. This is when Chris noticed something. He discovered it only later, while he was reviewing pictures he'd taken during both trips. It was something about my face whenever I was near the ocean. The images he captured of me both in Seattle and in Newport all capture a face full of genuine pure joy. There's no hamming it up for the camera or silly faces, just me being truly happy. The day we were on the beach in Newport, it was windy and cold. My nose was runny and by all accounts I should have been miserable because I hate the cold. But in the picture Chris took, my head is thrown back in laughter, my hands are overflowing with shells and bits of wood. I could have spent forever there and there was a time when I dreamed that I would do just that. Even though I am quite happily content with my current place of residence in the middle of the country, I am thankful for that dream. I am thankful for those moments where I was the happiest I could be and how those moments of joy were independent of who I was with at the time. 

I'm not saying that dream of living on a coast is gone for good. Who knows what the future holds or where retirement will take me or us. Dreams change and shift. What I do know is that joy can be found easily in something as simple as a walk on a beach. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Day 1 is B&W challenge

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Day 1 is B&W challenge"

This week, I got tagged to do a Facebook challenge. Usually, my response to any kind of please forward or tag a friend and pass it on thing is to say "thank you for thinking of me, but no thank you." I don't like to send out chain letters in the mail either. I am not a participator. This challenge was a little different though. The challenge is to take a black and white photo of something representing your life with out people. It appealed to me because it is the kind of challenge that encourages creativity and mindfulness. So, I took up the challenge but then I got a little hesitant about tagging others to also do the challenge. I just had images of friends rolling their eyes at the sight of their name being attached to a Facebook challenge. I thought about why I had accepted the challenge and I thought why shouldn't I encourage others to be creative and mindful. 

This week I am thankful for this black and white photo challenge. I only have two days left of the challenge, but I have enjoyed every day of it. It has given me an opportunity to look at my days from a different perspective. Black and white is too simple of a description. Void of color. That is what such images say to so many. Yet there are so many levels of grays, whites and blacks represented in a photo. It makes you really notice where the light is coming from and how it bends to make interesting shadows. When I'd go out in the mornings on my short photo meditation walks, I would focus more on those things. What would happen if I pulled the color away? I discovered that nothing bad happens when I do. Thank you, Alice for including me. 

I hope that you were able to find some gratitude in this week. 

Day 2 of B&W challenge

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Day 2 of B&W challenge"

Day 3 of B&W challenge

7 Likes, 2 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Day 3 of B&W challenge"

Day 4 of B&W challenge

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Day 4 of B&W challenge"

Day 5 of B&W challenge

0 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Day 5 of B&W challenge"

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Looking

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Looking"

There’s a sticky note on my desk where I’ve written “shooting with a mindful eye”. I jotted it down while watching an online tutorial on black and white street photography. It wasn’t a new tidbit of wisdom for me. It was just a reminder. I wrote it down on a sticky note and slapped it to my desk as a reminder to be vigilant to look through my camera lens with intention and mindfulness. I like to think I practice this kind of mindfulness whenever I head out on a photo walk. I did have someone tell me this week just how much they enjoy seeing my posted images and that I take really great pictures. I am grateful for that bit of praise. It’s nice to hear those kinds of things on occasion, particularly when you feel like for the most part you take mediocre pictures. 

Recently, I replaced the word “shooting” with “looking”. Look with a mindful eye. There are times when I can’t pause long enough to take a picture. Like, when we are driving down the road or Josephine’s taking me for a walk. I will notice something and instead of trying to get to my camera, I will simply hold my hands up and form a camera shaped box with my fingers. Then move my index finger as if to click a button and say “click”. It's my way of taking a mental photograph of something I want to remember, but it is also my way of remembering to notice my surroundings. When I walk outside, I remind myself to look up. There's so much more to see than the sidewalk under my feet. Some mornings, this means turning my face right into the sun and then immediately closing my eyes at the glaring rays. I want to look at the world as if I am going to photograph it, even if I am not. I am thankful for this mindfulness practice as well.

We all have that thing that keeps us sane. I know a woman who runs. She was still running on the treadmill as if bears were chasing her up to two weeks before giving birth. She did not run for physical health as much as she was running for her mental health. She would lose her mind if she couldn't run. Some of us knit. Some of us cook. Some of us shut off social media (something I should do more often). I suspect that many of us have a Mary Poppins sized bag filled with an arsenal of things that we keep for our sanity. Mine includes a yoga mat with all the yoga props, a hammock, a bowl of always hot potato soup and some cheese, good tunes and my cameras. I am thankful for all of those things but today I am particularly grateful for the mindfulness practice that I get from using my cameras. 

What's something in your Mary Poppins bag that you are grateful for this week?

This week, I am honoring my gratitude by donating to Puerto Rico's recovery. Talaura posted a very useful link on her Facebook timeline this week for the Empire State Relief and Recovery Effort for Puerto Rico. They have information on ways you can help.