SAY CHEESE

My theme for my weekend at Heather’s was Cheese. We made a ridiculous recreation of the Milk Bar Bakery’s Cheesy Puffs cake. We ate fancy grilled cheese sandwiches at Cheese Bar and then bought cheese at the store that owns the restaurant. Their pimento and cheese is my mother’s and I ate the last of it when I got home in the same way I’d eat it as a kid, sandwiched between two pieces of Wonder Bread. With the first bite, I started singing “Let’s do the time warp again!” After I left Heather’s, she and a friend attended a cheesecake class and were in the middle of baking as I passed a Sargento cheese truck.

I’m planning a cleansing diet for the month of May.

This trip to Des Moines was my second trip to the city and my first trip on solo with Josephine. Here’s what I learned. It takes no time to get from Kansas City to Des Moines. If you’re lucky, along the way you will spot bald eagles. I saw two! There’s an opportunity to see covered bridges and shop at an Amish store filled with homemade canned goods and crafts. You know you are leaving (or entering) the state of Missouri when you see all the giant firework warehouses next to the highway. I-35 is very much like the section of I-35 that runs through Oklahoma, meaning it needs some work. The cheese shop with the most wonderful cheese is right next to a French bakery that sells all the best flakey pastries and baguettes for the cheese you just bought at the fancy cheese shop.

There will be many trips to Heather’s in the future; one of which will be for the State Fair.

This trip was also a test of how well Josephine will do in the car without being able to sit in my lap for most of the ride. I fixed her bed in the front seat with a towel in the floor. There was a little bit of a dance in the beginning, but she very quickly settled into her bed. Then she split her time between the floor and the bed. She was the perfect copilot. She let me listen to whatever I wanted and didn’t talk while This American Life was playing. We made one stop for potty breaks for both of us and she didn’t request anything from inside the gas station. She never acted nervous or anxious. This is all very important because I have some solo camping adventures I want to do and it feels safe to have Josephine with me for those. She’s a little dog, but she’s got a big bark.

There was a particular song that kept popping up on the radio last year, This Year by Emily King. It’s catchy and felt like a good morning theme song. It’s the song that played in my head when I was writing out my plan/flow chart for 2024. It’s not a self absorption or a ‘you’re so vain’ thing. I don’t listen to the song and think ‘yeah, the world needs to revolve around me!’. I hear that song and see it as a reminder to take care of my own happiness. I have also spent too much time making space for someone else both physically and mentally. In my efforts to make room, I have made myself smaller and a little numb. So all the things I’ve put on my chart for the year have been activities I want to do for myself. I’m becoming less numb and less tolerant of being talked at as opposed to being talked to or with. I’m working at being less small. Making space for myself is involving a number of solo trips this year because planned trips force me to carve out the time for me. If I put it on the calendar and book the room, I’m going and that’s that.

I guess the next adventure will be solo camping. I’ve built the kitchen box and organized my camp gear. All that’s left is to throw a dart at the map and go.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I moved to a different cubicle this week. The new space is closest to the microscopy room, which makes me the first person someone sees when they open the door, looking for help. That’s one of the reasons for moving me here. I am the fixer and the helper and the make things better person. The new space is bigger than my old space and includes a large window. At first, when I moved all of my personal things over, I kept my self compacted as if I was still in the old space. It took me a day or two to spread out. It’s taken me all week to remember to stop walking over to the old space to set my things down. At first, when I was told I was being given this new space, I was really excited about the window, but then I got here and it has been cloudy and gloomy. The new cubicle also feels a bit isolating, like I am further away from my coworkers. It’s almost lonely over here.

Things and feelings changed on Thursday morning. The clouds had lifted and morning sunlight streamed into my cubicle. I stood at my desk, checking my calendar schedule and catching up on emails, and bathed in that morning sunlight. Then feelings flooded into my body and I had to really think about what those feelings were and when the last time it was that felt them. I felt joy and energy and was like “Oh my Gods! This day is spectacular!” The sunlight situation only lasted a few hours and then a new layer of cloud cover rolled in, but in those few hours I was reminded that we are very much like plants. Water and sunlight are essential to life. It is not as if I was previously working in dungeon. Our office space, in general, is open with tall windows on one side. My old cubicle put me in indirect lighting. I did not realize that I was a direct sunlight plant until I moved to the new cubicle.

No wonder winters are so difficult for me.

I am thankful for a lot of things this week. The whole office has spent the week snacking on cheese, thanks to the most epic birthday (cheese) cake Michael made me last weekend. The joy of his accomplishment in building this beautiful tower of cheese was almost better than eating the cheese, and the joy of sharing some that cheese with friends has been priceless. I started teaching a six week beginning yoga session on Monday and it feels real good to teach people how to make yoga accessible for their own bodies. I declined on an event with my self-care people because it is later this evening and there is nothing more I want to do on a Friday evening than be a potato because by the end of Fridays, my brain feels like mashed ones. That’s self-care in action. I allowed myself to be talked into a mustache waxing last Saturday and my upper lip is just now starting to look normal again. So I’m thank for that.

Most of all though, I am grateful for getting some direct sunlight.

A NEW EDITION OF TTITIN

This addition of Things The Internet Thinks I Need starts with a list:

• mushroom growing kits (that’s probably true)

• swimsuits ( I rarely wear the one I own)

• expensive ethically sourced seafood shipped right to my door (I mean, yeah, but who do you think I am? Scrooge McDuck?)

• camper vans (my fault because I keep looking at camper vans)

• wedding planning (record scratch….whut?)

Yeah, so all of those things except one could possibly be of use. Oh…I forgot psychedelic mushroom counseling. Even that is of possible use to me, but wedding planning? Really, Internet? I don’t even know what magic code of words I have entered in any kind of search bar to merit a targeted ad about planning my wedding. They want to sell me the best gift for a bridesmaid and the best destination weddings and tips on floral arrangements. These are all things I didn’t do the first time around and if Michael ever convinces me to get married again, those are things I will not do the second time around.

I like to think that all this means is that the robots don’t remotely have a clue as to who I am and when the Robot Apocalypse happens, they won’t be ready for someone like me.

Pow! Pow!

That’s really all I have to say right now. I’m too busy at work to think about anything other than work while I am at work (and sometimes not). When I’m home, I spend an hour watching TV and the rest of the time reading. Right now, I’m reading Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak. It’s a book recommended by my friend Erica. She and our friend Abi are going to have book club like meetings to discuss it. I’m on page fifty something and will continue to read even though I’m so wound up in a Good Girl Double Bind that I probably cannot be unbound. After this book, I plan on finishing Project Hail Mary before starting on What Fresh Hell is This?

I have compiled a folder of show prints and made a list of sizes.

I’m eating lots of cheese.

You’d think the Internet would have noticed and mentioned something about the amount of cheese I’ve been eating.

It has not.

MY ADDICTION

Every year, Whole Foods has a Twelve Days of Cheese promotion. In previous years, they would release one cheese a day on sale for 50% off. They would release a list of the twelve cheeses and Michael and I would study the list. Then we’d make a list of our own of the cheeses we wanted from the list along with the dates they would be released. Because you couldn’t just go at any time of the day to get your cheese. These cheeses are fancy, normally expensive cheeses and they sell out fast. So instead of stopping at a coffee shop in the morning on the way to work, I was stopping in at Whole Foods for the day’s cheese.

This sounds like a hassle, but really it was kind of fun. It’s like a scavenger hunt for cheese, which has given me an idea that I might talk about later. There was a thrill to successfully purchasing the day’s cheese. It was exciting and a rush to get my hands on a cheese that I would always want to try but would never buy because of the price. And our Christmas Day cheese tray would be phenomenal! This year, Whole Foods changed the way they do their Twelve Days of Cheese and I was not prepared for the change. Michael and I made our list. I wrote the dates and cheeses down on a sticky note which I left on my desk at work. I left it there because I knew that most of the dates landed on the weekday. I knew that I would be going in Friday and Saturday for cheese. I had my plan of attack. So imagine my surprise and confusion when I walked into Whole Foods to grab a wedge of Kler Melk Truffle Gouda and find ALL the cheeses on the list already on the shelf and on sale.

“Um…Are all the cheeses on the list on sale now?” I asked the woman working the cheese counter. “Oh, yes. There is no list this year. We just released all twelve at the same time.” She gleefully replied.

I looked at the cheeses and then I said “But…I need the list. I don’t have my sticky note with me and I don’t remember what cheeses were listed for days eleven and twelve.” The woman just shook her head and again said “There is no list. But we do have this cheese gift bag that already has the four cheeses you have in your hand in the bag along with crackers and raspberry jam.” Yes, despite not having my list, I had four cheeses in my hands, the first four cheeses on our list. I had memorized the first four because those were the ones I was most interested in. One of those cheeses are eaten with a spoon. WITH A SPOON! I mumbled something to the woman about coming back later with my list and then wandered up to the cashier with my four cheeses.

The “no list” threw me off and now I don’t know if I’m going back for the cheeses I missed or for more of the cheeses I already purchased. We also gave in and opened one of those four cheeses already and I don’t remember what cheese it is. Michael and I just spent ten minutes arguing over what cheese it is in the list. So now I feel like we have to start all over again. That wouldn’t be so bad because then we’d have two wheels of the cheese you eat with a spoon, but what if we end up not liking that cheese? So maybe we need to hurry up and eat all the cheeses I bought on Friday. Then I can go back and buy other cheeses or the same ones before the sale ends this week. That’s so much cheese but is it really?

Hello. My name is Cindy Maddera and I have a serious cheese addiction.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED AS AN ADULT

Curtsy

Fancy cheese is not as expensive as you think it is.

Seriously. If I could pass on any words of wisdom these are some of those words. It took me years to conquer being intimidated by the cheese monger and it wasn’t until I was in my mid thirties before I made my first timid inquiry about cheese. I wanted something nice to go in my potato soup but I didn’t want to break the bank. This is when I learned that I could choose the amount of cheese I was buying, thus controlling the amount of money I was spending. I realize that many of you probably knew this all along. I didn’t because I have always been pinching pennies, which means my grocery lists are streamlined. When you look over at the fancy cheese area, you see all kinds of price tags sticking up like flags. These prices always seem too exorbitant for my budget. Those little flaggy price tags are prices per pound. You do not need a pound of fancy cheese to make whatever it is you want to make. This means you will be paying less than whatever the price flag says. Do not be sticker shocked by cheese.

Another bit of wisdom that I could pass along is that mushrooms do not weigh anything.

This one is a recent discovery. We were in Whole Foods on Saturday to pick out some fish to go with our risotto that was planned for our dinner and to rummage through the cheese under five dollar bin (see? cheap fancy cheese). Along the way to the seafood section, I noticed a small crate of morrel mushrooms. They were thirty dollars a pound. I gasped at the price tag, but then I picked up one of the mushrooms. Michael noticed me holding the morrel with an inquisitive look on my face and I said to him “How much do you think this mushroom weighs?” Michael grabbed a handful of mushrooms and headed to the scale. Those six or so mushrooms weighed about 0.06 lbs. We picked out a dozen or so mushrooms that turned out to be about four dollars and was plenty of mushrooms to add to our risotto. Neither one of us had eaten morrels before because they were too expensive and about the only place you could get them was at a farmers market; if you were lucky to find that one vender who had them.

That’s it. That is about all of the wisdom I can pass on to a young person. Do not be intimidated by the prices on fancy cheeses and mushrooms do not weigh anything. Okay. I might have a few more tidbits like know how to pay your bills and manage your finances. It is not necessarily a bad idea to have an end of life plan because life is unpredictable. The unpredictability of life makes every day kind of important. College isn’t for everyone, but you should still have a career plan. Do not be afraid to spend money on good shoes that are good for your feet. Always pack at least one sweater because the weather is just as unpredictable as life.

But I really think you’re going to get the most value from the cheese and mushroom advice.

I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO CHEESE

174/365

12 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "174/365"

I attended a meditation/journaling workshop this weekend that turned out to be more journaling than meditation. The workshop was taught by Elaina Cochran, a photographer and yoga teacher. She uses her photos to make meditation/journaling prompts and you can buy some of those at her website, Elated Earth. For this workshop, we used cards from her Reflect series. She chose different cards and then we all sat around writing about the prompt and image on the card and how it all made us feel. The workshop was a nice disciplined way to get me to be still and write in an unguarded or uncensored way. Which, as personal as this blog gets at times, it's still a censored version of reality. 

One thing I can tell you is that I am not an avid journal writer. I see images from other peoples journals and the handwriting is beautiful and they have colorful swirly art doodles in the margins and I think "I am going to do this!" Except every time I sit down to to do this, my journal ends up looking very much like the scientific notebook I keep for work. Look, I have always believed that I was not a creative person. It hasn't been until recently that I have come to recognize that my creativity manifests itself in other ways. I am good with this. Another thing about this workshop that I kind of struggled with was the part where I had to write about me. These prompts are meant for reflecting on your inner self. I use the prompts in my Fortune Cookie diary to write tiny short stories of fiction all the time. For this workshop, I found that I often had to remind myself that these reflection prompts are not to be turned into short stories of fiction. 

One of our journaling prompts was "what am I naturally attracted to and excited about?" I sat there, tapping my pen for a few minutes while considering an answer. Naturally, I attend to be attracted to intellect and knowledge. Some of my favorite parts of graduate school were our Friday evenings at Stonewall's, a big group of us sitting around with a couple of pitchers of beer discussing all things from politics to books to movies to religion. I am continually excited by the complexities of life on a microscopic level. The other day our group was having a discussion about messenger RNAs and it got so deep and detailed that a part of my brain exploded. All I could think about is how it is an absolute miraculous wonder that we are alive. Each day, I am excited about what discoveries I'll make and what I will learn from those discoveries.

Lately, I have noticed an attraction to abandoned things. Mostly buildings. There is something about the way the light hits an abandoned structure and the shadows they make that makes me want to lean in, place a hand on a wall, search for something hidden. There is a silence and stillness in these places that can be dissected into individual sounds and movement. It is a deception in a way. The buildings are abandoned, but only by humans. There were many of these places as we travelled to and from Colorado. Some times it was a forgotten business, often it was an abandoned farmstead. The old farms held the strongest attraction. I wanted to stop for each one and explore those shadows with my camera. I wanted to know the story of each farm. I am attracted to the stories.

I wrote all of this in my journal and then when Elaina said we'd spend just about a minute more on this prompt, I wrote "I am attracted to cheese." I wrote it because I thought it was funny, but then I thought about it and I really am attracted to cheese. I told Michael about it and so we we stopped by our new fancy Whole Foods and bought three different cheeses for a snack for later in the evening.

Maybe I should become a cheesemonger. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Fun with lasers

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Fun with lasers"

Michael missed three days of school this week because some yuck virus that seems to be going around. Twenty something other staff members from his school were out with it too. I am determined not to get it and so far my voodoo rituals have been working. My stomach is a little gurgly from all of the EmergenC I've been drinking and my nose is tingly from all of the tree oil I've shoved up there. I came home Wednesday evening with some sinus pain and a slight fever. I guzzled down more EmergenC and coated the inside of my nose with more tee tree oil, took some ibuprofen and went to bed. I woke up the next morning feeling okay. So maybe...just maybe, I'll avoid this round of plague. I'll wipe down the inside of the house with Clorox wipes this weekend and boil all the linens just to be sure we rid the house of all of the yuck germs. Though I am starting to wonder if it's possible to overdose on vitamin C.  

I'm feeling pretty good these days, at least physically. My moods are bit a manic, but it's the Holidays and that's another story. I stepped on the scale this week and discovered that I have officially lost ten pounds. If I lose five more pounds, I will be the weight I was when I was the skinniest I had ever been. Those were the days when Friday night dinner was a bottle of wine and a sleeve of saltine crackers. I'm perfectly okay with being this current weight. This morning, I put on the Levi's I'd purchased a few months ago. I hadn't really been wearing them because even though they fit, they were uncomfortable. Now they fit just right. I keep looking down at my long skinny legs and my somewhat smaller gut and doing a little happy dance. My guilty pleasure music is Kesha's latest album and I've been shaking my butt to it all morning. This body is better at almost forty two than it was at twenty two. When I turn fifty, I'm totally going to walk around kicking and punching and declaring "I'm fifty!"

It's nice to be heading into December feeling healthy. The usual feeling around this time of year is to just throw in the towel and say "I'll fix it next year." I resolve to be healthy! This is not a New Year's resolution for me. It's a daily resolution just like the one I have where I start my day telling myself to be the best person I can be today. Somedays, I am not my best and I don't even try. Somedays, I eat a whole lot of cheese. But most days, I do a pretty okay job of being my best self and not eating my weight in cheese. I am thankful for most days, but I'm not going to lie. I am also thankful for cheese. I am thankful Michael is feeling better. I am thankful for vitamin C and tee tree oil. I am thankful for this body... right now... in this moment.

I am always super thankful for you. 

THANKFUL FRIDAYS

Last week I parked my scooter and even considered covering it up for the winter. It has just been too cold in the mornings for me to ride. But today, they are expecting above normal temperatures and I am riding my scooter to work. Perfect end to a not so perfect week. Riding in to work hasn't been too bad though. It's given Chris the gumption to get up and back to the gym and join my Thursday night yoga class. This is something that not only am I thankful for, but makes me happy. I have lots of plans for the weekend that I probably should share with Chris, but haven't. I want to go to the Farmer's Market, work in the garden, and make cheese, this on top of all the usual chores of laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning house. My biggest plan though is to take a nap at least once a day over the weekend.

Of course I am always thankful for the usual. I am thankful for you. Have a wonderful weekend!