MY ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND

We wandered into a very neat and tidy little independent bookshop on Granville Island in Vancouver and there was a table covered with classic books. Except, when I picked up one of the books and flipped it open, I discovered a blank page. All of the pages were blank and I knew that I had to have one of these journals disguised as books. I chose a blank copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It has been sitting on my desk ever since our return. That’s not unusual. I often buy a new notebook and then wait for a while before I start writing in the thing. I find the new, clean pages of a notebook to be the most soothing aspect of owning it. I am always hesitant to put ink or pencil lead on any of the pages for fear of messing up the beauty of the page.

Of course, after all this time I never thought of flipping that way of thinking. Instead of messing up the page, I could be adding to the beauty of the page.

I’ve been focusing on where I feel the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when I say them out loud and when I came across this particular journal, my heart leapt with a resounding yes. I had no idea what I would do with it, nor did I have a need for the book. I just knew I wanted it. I do recognize that I am beginning to fall into a recognizable habit of owning journals that never get filled up. I have a stack of notebooks in my cedar chest that only have writing on the first four or five pages, leaving the rest of the books blank. They are Chris’s notebooks. I never go in and read them, but I will never throw them away. Now I have become the person with multiple journals floating around the house. This one contains a story idea. That one is more than half full of yoga classes I prepared for teaching. Let’s not forget the mostly full Fortune Cookie notebook. That one, right now, is the winner. Not only is it only twenty or so pages away from being filled, it is filled with inspiration. Part of returning to our regularly scheduled program around here, includes me getting back into the Fortune Cookie notebook.

I sat down with that notebook on Saturday morning for the first time in a long time, and I didn’t know how to even begin. Then, just as the story really got good to me, I ran out of room on the page. There is a very disciplined side of me that almost refuses to even place a dot of ink in the new journal before I finish the Fortune Cookie notebook. But I have a packet of fine tipped colored markers setting on top of the Wonderland journal and a clear image in my head of drawing fanciful mushrooms and intricate flowers and maybe filling this one up with something other than words.

I am not an artist.

I am an artist.

Cindy’s Adventures in Learning to Be. That’s the true title of this book.

I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO CHEESE

174/365

12 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "174/365"

I attended a meditation/journaling workshop this weekend that turned out to be more journaling than meditation. The workshop was taught by Elaina Cochran, a photographer and yoga teacher. She uses her photos to make meditation/journaling prompts and you can buy some of those at her website, Elated Earth. For this workshop, we used cards from her Reflect series. She chose different cards and then we all sat around writing about the prompt and image on the card and how it all made us feel. The workshop was a nice disciplined way to get me to be still and write in an unguarded or uncensored way. Which, as personal as this blog gets at times, it's still a censored version of reality. 

One thing I can tell you is that I am not an avid journal writer. I see images from other peoples journals and the handwriting is beautiful and they have colorful swirly art doodles in the margins and I think "I am going to do this!" Except every time I sit down to to do this, my journal ends up looking very much like the scientific notebook I keep for work. Look, I have always believed that I was not a creative person. It hasn't been until recently that I have come to recognize that my creativity manifests itself in other ways. I am good with this. Another thing about this workshop that I kind of struggled with was the part where I had to write about me. These prompts are meant for reflecting on your inner self. I use the prompts in my Fortune Cookie diary to write tiny short stories of fiction all the time. For this workshop, I found that I often had to remind myself that these reflection prompts are not to be turned into short stories of fiction. 

One of our journaling prompts was "what am I naturally attracted to and excited about?" I sat there, tapping my pen for a few minutes while considering an answer. Naturally, I attend to be attracted to intellect and knowledge. Some of my favorite parts of graduate school were our Friday evenings at Stonewall's, a big group of us sitting around with a couple of pitchers of beer discussing all things from politics to books to movies to religion. I am continually excited by the complexities of life on a microscopic level. The other day our group was having a discussion about messenger RNAs and it got so deep and detailed that a part of my brain exploded. All I could think about is how it is an absolute miraculous wonder that we are alive. Each day, I am excited about what discoveries I'll make and what I will learn from those discoveries.

Lately, I have noticed an attraction to abandoned things. Mostly buildings. There is something about the way the light hits an abandoned structure and the shadows they make that makes me want to lean in, place a hand on a wall, search for something hidden. There is a silence and stillness in these places that can be dissected into individual sounds and movement. It is a deception in a way. The buildings are abandoned, but only by humans. There were many of these places as we travelled to and from Colorado. Some times it was a forgotten business, often it was an abandoned farmstead. The old farms held the strongest attraction. I wanted to stop for each one and explore those shadows with my camera. I wanted to know the story of each farm. I am attracted to the stories.

I wrote all of this in my journal and then when Elaina said we'd spend just about a minute more on this prompt, I wrote "I am attracted to cheese." I wrote it because I thought it was funny, but then I thought about it and I really am attracted to cheese. I told Michael about it and so we we stopped by our new fancy Whole Foods and bought three different cheeses for a snack for later in the evening.

Maybe I should become a cheesemonger. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Testing a new app. I think I like it.

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap

When I went to pick out my new iPad, I played around with Apple pencil and I really liked it. It's the first stylus I've used that actually writes like a pencil. I really really wanted to add it my purchase that day, but it seemed a little frivolous. So I said "No thank you" to the Apple pencil, but I've been looking at it on Amazon just about every day since. Wednesday night, I came home from yoga class and Michael was cooking my kale that I eat on top of my mung beans and rice (every Wednesday). We fend for ourselves on Wednesdays because Michael doesn't like what I eat and I like kitchari (that's what I call it) for after yoga class. For one thing, I can put the mung beans and rice in the rice cooker and set it to start cooking before I get home. Then all I have to do is quickly cook up some kale, but this evening, Michael was doing that. I eyed him suspiciously as I walked into my room to take off my jewelry. I pulled off a bracelet and went to set it down on my dresser and guess what I found sitting on my jewelry box? A cat! No, but the cat has taken to lounging across the length of my dresser these days. There was an Apple pencil sitting on my dresser! 

I didn't get to play around with it until Thursday. The first thing I did was read a bunch of app reviews for note taking apps. I do not spend money apps. The last app I purchased, I paid $2.99 for it and it was Camera+. This app turned out to be my favorite camera app and I use it all the time. Yesterday I went way outside my comfort zone and spent $8.99 for Noteshelf and I have no regrets. I've never been able to stick with even the simplest of journals. There was one time I tried to glue images onto a page and journal around it but I couldn't keep up. With Noteshelf, I can import pictures and journal around them and I don't need glue or printed pictures or a special journal. I'm hooked. I even plan to move my lab notebook to Noteshelf. I like to hand write stuff out and create elaborate plans and flow charts for how I set up an experiment. This has kept me from taking my lab notebook to digital for years.

I am very excited about this, but also I am very thankful for Michael's thoughtful gift. I think I mentioned one time that I might eventually want the pencil, but I didn't harp on it or talk about it constantly. He just went and got it. Chris used to do stuff like that. Three years ago today, I met Michael at Bella Napoli's after a few texts and one phone call. Moments before he showed up, I got cold feet and almost bolted. He walked up to me just as I was about to step away. Later on, he would be the one to step away just as I was ready to walk up. It was an awkward two-step but eventually he caught onto the rhythm. Now we dance pretty well. Sometimes we'll fall out of step but we always hop right back into place. I am thankful I didn't walk away that evening. 

What else? Well, the last time I saw my massage therapist she told me to do two things: roll around on a foam roller and do more chest openers like supported fish. I have been doing both of those things. The foam roller still makes me cry. It is awful and painful and I'd rather go to the dentist. Supported fish pose is the opposite of the foam roller. I put myself into supported fish for my savasana yesterday and I didn't want to get up. When I did get up, I was all happy drooly baby face. I am thankful for support from fish. I am thankful for scooter days without a need for a jacket (IT'S MY FAVORITE!). I am thankful for banana chips. I am thankful for evening dog walks. I am super duper thankful for you.

Here's to a blazing hot summery weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

LOVE THURSDAY

Fortune cookie journal

"Fortune cookie journal"

A few weeks ago, when Mom was in town for a visit, Michael hung out at the book store while Mom and I store hopped on the Plaza. When we all finally met up for lunch Michael had a bag full different things he's found interesting. This included a Wonder Woman journal and a Fortune Cookie journal that he bought with me in mind. I have yet to unwrap the Wonder Woman journal because journals tend to fall into the same category as new boxes of colored pencils. I like to keep them pristine as long as possible, at least until I am ready to use it. Sometimes the clean lines of a new notebook are more appealing to me than putting any markings on the pages and I will savor the emptiness of those pages for a bit. 

The Fortune Cookie journal reminded me of one of Chris's writing schemes. He had the idea once to open a fortune cookie once a week and then let the fortune inspire his writing. He'd write a short story based off of what ever the fortune said. As a result, we had bags of fortune cookies in the pantry. I'd like to say I have a notebook somewhere of Fortune Cookie short stories written by Chris, but I do not. This idea would end up like so many of Chris's ideas. Like the Diner Saurs food blog that would feature dinosaurs like a T-Rex with a top hat and monocle. He would go so far as to buy the cookies and dinosaurs, but lose the desire to continue before moving onto a new idea or topic. I tossed the fortune cookies ages ago, but I'm sure the dinosaurs are still in the basement somewhere. I can't help but wonder if Chris's Fortune Cookie stories would have gone farther if the fortunes were already in a book with empty space under each one. Then I remember the box of journals in the basement, each one with one or two pages of lists written down in them. He was the greatest list maker this world had ever seen. 

The journal Michael gave me is small. The space under the fortune is just big enough to get an idea of a story, which is what I wrote down under the first  fortune yesterday. Michael thinks I should just randomly open to a fortune page and write. He says that takes away the idea that it's something I need to finish. I'm not sure if my analytical science brain will let me do that.  But I like the idea of filling this journal up with ideas.

An exciting journey awaits you with your first step in a new direction.

She took a left. She always goes right. Every day, she steps out the door and turns right. She walks past the newspaper stand where Frank stacks the latest copies of Women's Day and Handyman next to the Daily and the New York Times. Then she walks by the fruit stand, saying a quick hello to Mrs. Ruby who is always busy arranging the fruit so that the customers never saw the brown spots. Her next stop is the coffee shack where Max is always just setting her Americano down at the window right as she walks up. She places her dollar fifty on the counter with one hand while grasping the warm cup in the other hand as she nods her grateful hello to Max. Max returns her nod with a wink and watches as she turns on her heel to walk around the corner, past the statue of General Beauregard. She salutes the General as she hops up the stairs to her job at the library. This had been her path and her routine everyday, except on Sundays, for the past ten years. But today. Today she turned left.

Here's to an exciting new adventures and a happy Love Thursday.