THE SELF

A few weeks ago, I had to get new headshots taken at work. I dressed a little bit nicer than usual, put on some makeup and tried to have a nice hair day. I really needed a haircut at the time, but that wasn’t on the schedule for another week. Anyway, I thought I looked nice enough. I smiled for the camera man, took directions from the camera man and when I got my prints to review and choose my favorite two, I fell over dead. I didn’t like any of the pictures of myself. When did I get so fat and puffy?!? Why does it look like I have a sunburn? Why didn’t I take the camera out of that man’s hands and take the picture myself? I chose the two least horrible pictures and plan on never needing to use them for anything.

When Kelly was putting together class introductions for camp, she emailed me asking me for pictures of me teaching yoga. I scrolled through all of my pictures in storage and came up with zero pictures of me in the act of teaching yoga. I finally sent her a picture of me sitting in meditation and said “I don’t have any pictures of me teaching yoga, but I promise that I am a yoga teacher.” Kelly responded with “how is it even possible that you do not have pictures of yourself?!?” She mentioned it a few times during camp about how there are no pictures of Cindy, please take pictures of Cindy. Which she did. About fifty percent of Kelly’s pre-camp setup pictures are of me making faces at the camera.

It has come to my attention that I have gotten into the habit of never stepping out from behind the camera.

It’s been a while since I did a 365 Day Self Portrait project and thinking about starting up another round of this makes me cringe. I do not have good feelings about my body right now and the internet knows this. I am inundated with ads on weight loss and hormone replacement drugs targeting women of my age. I reached my peak of puffiness at camp and immediately put Michael and myself on a cleansing diet for the next ten days to sort of reset our bodies. Self Care Circle meeting happened a couple of days before we left for camp and one of the things Roze talked about was spending at least twenty minutes to eat your meal. It did not take me long to figure out that even though I was eating healthy meals, I was eating way too much of that meal in one sitting because I was swallowing my food whole. Twenty minute meals and cleansing diets are baby steps in my anti-puffy plan and do not have overnight results. So yeah, I am still reluctant to step in front of the lens (or onto a scale).

The value in doing a photo a day of one’s self is not lost on me. The first year I did this project, I learned to like myself or at least to stop cringing whenever I saw a picture of myself. I weighed the same or even a little bit more than what I weigh now. I was less fit then and didn’t do near as much exercising as I do now. I have gotten out of the habit of seeing my own face. I don’t even really study it in the mirror as I’m brushing my teeth. So the few times I see myself in photos, I am shocked by appearance. I only half the feel as tired as my face and body look in pictures. Maybe the part that shocks me is how much a photo of myself reflects how I am feeling physically. My brain might be all raw-raw-ree, but my body has some aches and it no longer jumps up and down. I can see a lack of enthusiasm in the photo version of me.

And I don’t care for it.

I can see a few fixes for this. The easiest fix is to keep doing what I am doing, but get out from behind the lens and in front of it more often. I need to get a good look of my unenthusiastic self so I can recognize the moments where I can see real authentic enthusiasm on my face. Because I think I’ve been faking enthusiasm for longer than I’d like to admit in a whole Fake It ‘Till You Make It kind of way.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

3/365 Warrior

8 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "3/365 Warrior"

Someone recently asked me how 2018 was treating me. I replied that I kind of felt like I was failing at all the things I had set out to do this year. That person then said "Cindy! It's only January!", except I heard "It's already January!" And I fell over with anxiety. I know this is just my brain playing tricks on me. My brain is an asshole. Yesterday, I read an article about a woman with sudden onset depression. It turned out that she had ovarian cancer. They removed it and everything turned out okay, but as I read the article I thought "I HAVE ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS! I HAVE OVARIAN CANCER!" I do not have ovarian cancer.

Really, I didn't set any specific goals for 2018. So it is pretty silly to think that I am already failing at goals that were not set. I started another 365 day project on Flickr, taking a picture of myself every day and the project is becoming my morning meditation. It seems that I am more creative and more apt to take a selfie at seven in the morning. Those days (weekends really) where I don't get going in the mornings and I end up putting the picture off until later in the day are days where I just basically point the camera at my face and click. I started this project because for a while now, I've been looking in the mirror and seeing a sad saggy fat face on top of a lumpy sack of potatoes with arms and legs. Almost a whole month into this project and I still see that face and body. It's just a little less saggy, fat and potato like. I captured a picture of myself in Warrior II and when I looked back at the picture I thought "Wow! Look at that ninety degree angle of that front leg!" Side note: I still cannot get myself into Marichyasana. It is as if the yoga gods looked at me one day and decided that after years of doing this pose that I was done with it. Move on. 

What has pleased me so far about this project is that I have not gone out of my way to set up some elaborate shot. I've kept things simple and when I edit the images, I use the same filters and edits. As a result, my 365 day album is acquiring a clean, glowing look. The photo album is inspired by a series of photos that were on display at the Nelson some time ago. I forget the artist, but she had photographed herself daily. All of the images used the same backdrop and it was rare to see a picture of her face. You only saw pieces of her. There was something so honest about this idea and I thought about how we only see pieces of each other. An Instagram picture. A blog post. A status update on Facebook. We infer so much about others from these snippets and these snippets are part of who we are, what we believe and think. But those pieces do not tell the full story or show the whole picture of us. It reminds me to use those snippets wisely. I learn something or gain some kind of insight every time I participate in one of these 365 day projects. I am thankful for the lessons I am already learning from this year's project. I am thankful that I am not already failing at 2018. 

I am thankful for the warmer temperatures. I am thankful for the two students who consistently show up to my evening yoga classes. I am thankful for my own daily practice on the mat. I am thankful for those moments when Josephine spends a whole bunch of time digging around and building a nest in the blanket next to me on the couch. Then she abandons it before even trying to lay down in her nest so that she can come curl up in my lap instead. Those are sweet moments. 

I am thankful for you.