THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today's puppy pic

"Today's puppy pic"

Our dog is a genius. Well...maybe genius isn't the right word. More like OCD. I started out with doing a terrible job at crate training during the night. The idea was that she'd go to bed when I go to bed. The first night, she sort of zonked out in my lap and so I was able to easily scoop her up and into the crate. She fell right back to sleep. No problem. Then she woke up around midnight whimpering. I took her out to go potty and when we came back in, I put her back in her crate. Where she cried. And cried. And cried. I know the rules of this game is to let her cry it out, but this was her first night without any litter mates or other dogs. She was alone in her crate and I just kept thinking about that scene in Big where Tom Hanks has to sleep in that scary motel all by himself. I broke. Josephine ended up in my bed that night and the next night. 

So there were two nights where I woke up with a dog sleeping across my neck or I was being chewed on. The third night of this routine was the same night that a cough had decided to add itself to this lingering flu funk. I got up and took her out around midnight and then brought her back to bed with me. Except Josephine was all "PLAY TIME!" and with me cough cough coughing, I said "No thank you." I put her back in her crate. She whined for a minute and then I didn't hear a peep out of her. Wednesday night, Josephine was running around the house while Michael and I got things like our lunches together for the next day. I went into the bedroom to find her and tell her that it was time for bed, but I didn't see her. Then I looked and she was already in her crate laying on her bed. She put herself to bed. That's not even the best part. She stayed in bed all night. No midnight potty run or nothing. 

We're still working on the whole potty training thing. The few times she's had an accident in the house have been times that we were not really paying attention. The other morning I was washing dishes when I heard her whining. I ignored it because she'd just been outside and had done all of the things not twenty minutes earlier. When I finally went to check on her, she'd pooped on the floor. My bad. I did not scold her, but I scolded myself for not listening. I am thankful that she is picking up the routine so quickly. I think she may be a smart little cookie. A smart bitey little cookie. I am thankful that she hasn't introduced as much chaos as I had thought a new puppy would. I am thankful for her warm soft cuddles and her puppy breath and I'm thankful for the playfulness she's brought to this house. She will attack a leaf like nobodies business.

I am thankful for the day this week that was 70 degrees even though I was still to yucky to ride my scooter. I am thankful that I am (slowly) recovering. I am thankful for chili cheese perogies. I am thankful for that night this week when I realized I needed cough drops and Michael had already put his pj pants on, but he volunteered to go get me some any way. And of course, as always, I am truly thankful for all of you. Here's to a super (bowl) weekend and a fantastic Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. Mom was born January 15, 1941. You do the math. Almost a year later, Japan would attack Pearl Harbor and Pepaw (Mom's Dad) would enlist in the Navy. My mom was a baby during the second world war. She was a teenager in the 1950s, bee-bopping to the tunes of Elvis and first hand witness to school desegregation. When the sixties rolled around, she would become a wife and mother. She's seen a lot. She's done a lot. And she's still doing and seeing a lot.

If I had to describe my mom in one word, it would be resourceful. She can turn a simple bean into a magical beanstalk. When mom wasn't working a full time job, she was crafting up a storm and selling her crafts in craft fairs all around Oklahoma. She could make an exact replica of any costume even if it had been sketched by a five year old. I had doll dresses for my dolls that matched my dresses. She turned an old kettle drum into a planter in the front yard. She invented hose gloves (special gloves you wore while putting on your panty hose so you wouldn't accidentally poke a finger nail through them). And probably every woman at our old church had a Christmas pin pinned to their coat that was made by Mom. All she needed to make one was a bit of white felt, a twig of holy and her glue gun. She is the MacGyver of crafts. In fact, when I called her yesterday morning, she was in the middle of hanging a cabinet door back onto her kitchen cabinets. She'd taken it off the day before to paint it. I am thankful for Mom's resourcefulness. I have benefited from many a magical beanstalks.  I am grateful for her lessons in creativity. She was my first art teacher. I am also thankful and fortunate that Mom is still reasonably healthy so she can keep on keeping on.

I have walked miles and miles this week and I'm thankful for each one. I am thankful for the sunlight that spilled onto my yoga mat while I was practicing yoga. I am thankful that the tofu taco recipe I made up in my head turned out to be a winner especially with a member of the household who is a big tofu hater. I am thankful for the puppy play pen Bec gave us just because she thought we could use it. It's fifty degrees outside right this minute and I am so thankful for that. I might just go put on shorts (not really). I am thankful for that day this week where the Jens and I spent an afternoon sending silly facebook "stickers" back and forth in chat. Seriously ya'll, I am (as always) super duper thankful for all of you. 

Here's to a blessed weekend and a wonderful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Earlier this week we all stood at our office window watching a gaggle of firemen and police officers trying to determine what exactly was sitting on top of the frozen Brush Creek near the bridge where our homeless guy lives. We'd noticed something that resembled a sleeping bag out in the middle of the creek earlier that day. I guess someone finally called it in to authorities. One of the firemen suited up in a special thermal suit and crawled out on the ice to investigate. We stood at the window watching with bated breath. Our fear was that something had happened to our homeless guy and that fireman was going to pull a body out of that sleeping bag. The fireman made his way to the sleeping bag, unzipped it and then reached inside and pulled out....straw. The sleeping bag was full of straw. And we all sighed with relief. 

Our homeless guy has been living under that bridge for over five years now. At least that's what one our security guards told me this week. We've all taken him things from left over food to bottles of water. I've never personally handed him anything. Every time I've gone near there, he is no where to be found. There's a spot that we treat like his mailbox or doorstep. That's where we leave the things that we hope will make his day better. I like to think that we all kind of keep an eye on him. Every morning I have gone outside to warm up our cars grumbling at the bitter cold, but then run inside to the warmth of my home. I am thankful for the reminder that I am fortunate and for the reminder that it's time to do more to help those who are less fortunate. I think I'll be leaving a new sleeping bag or maybe a packet of hand warmers for our homeless guy this weekend. I am so thankful he was not in that sleeping bag on the ice.

Though the weather has been bitter cold and just plain awful, every morning as I have left for work I have been greeted with the most spectacular sunrises. The sky in the East has been splashed with the most vivid shades of pinks and gray. The beauty of it has mixed with the cold to rob me of my breath. I am grateful for the reminder that even when winter seems so dull and bleak, there are moments of great beauty. All you have to do is open your eyes to see them. I am thankful for this week of back to usual. I am thankful for the daily photo prompts from Epiphanie because they have been a good creative kick that I desperately needed. I am of course, thankful for you. I hope this first full week of the New Year has treated with kindness. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is what I woke to.

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When I posted a picture of yesterday's snowfall on facebook, I could practically hear Jen's squeals from here. She's always so envious of the amount of snow that we see up here. I'd love to package it all up and send it to her for Christmas. It really is beautiful. Every thing about Christmas includes snow. As a kid growing up in Oklahoma, a White Christmas was often dreamed of, but rarely seen. We used to pray that enough snow would fall to go sledding just once or build a snowman. There was a time when I was more durable to the cold weather and would spend hours trekking up a hill and sliding down on an inner tube over and over until all the snow was worn away to grass and mud.

These days I have to be reminded by others that I am lucky to have snow at Christmas. I don't know when the switch happened, but snow or no snow, my body aches with the cold. I sort of curl up like an armadillo. I just need to invest in legitimate winter clothing and suck it up. It was thirty two degrees when I left work yesterday and a guy on a small Kawaski motorcycle passed me. I was shivering in my car that hadn't had time to warm up. I have no idea how that guy on the motorcycle was dealing with riding in the cold. He's managed to hang onto that intolerance we all used to have as kids. I am thankful for this reminder to thicken my skin. 

This was our first real snowfall of the season and I was completely surprised by it. I have to admit that even though I wanted to crawl back into bed at the sight of it, I still felt that spark of glee at the sight of the white layer of it. As I walked over to the gym during my lunch break, I felt the cold on my face and as I inhaled, I could smell the snow. I smiled to myself as I noticed the distinct sent of it. The smell of rain in the Spring time can smell sweet with a hint of dirt. The Fall rains are musty, but in the winter, when the rain turns to snow, the smell is clean. There's almost a hint of bleach to it and a bit of saltiness. I am thankful for that spark of glee. I am thankful for that smell of clean. I am also thankful that this was a relatively easy first snowfall. There was no shoveling. The roads were clear and the snow brushed away from the car with one simple swipe.  

I am thankful for colored packages tied up with ribbon. I am thankful for the daily piece of chocolate from the advent calendar. I am thankful for each and every Christmas card that has come our way. And I am always thankful for you. Here's to a festive weekend as we begin to spiral our ways into this Holiday. And a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

OK. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Go! 

I've been staring at this blank space for hours. That's a lie. I've had it open in another window while I browsed around in other windows wasting time. I'm not purposefully avoiding this entry. I'm just not into writing today. Which is ridiculous because I don't have much else to do today. I did write an actual pen and paper letter to my niece. Then I realized that I do not have her address or even if she'll be at her current address long enough to get the letter before she moves out. She's young and has not much of anything to hold her down. She can be as free as a bird as she'd like to be right now. 

I can't even remember what it was like to be just turning twenty one without a care in the world. Then again I was never the typical teen/young adult. On high school band trips, I hung out with the grown ups. I got married a few months after turning twenty one and jumped head first into graduate school. I never took any time off to wander off the beaten path. My life has always been properly scheduled. There's this irrational side of me that wants to scream at my niece to dump all of the things. Save only enough stuff that you need and that will fit in a pack and go. Travel the world. Work as a maid in France. Work at a call center in Delhi. Wait tables at a cafe in London. But most importantly, see everything. I can feel her mother reaching for the duct tape now to cover my mouth. 

I hear stories from some of the people around me who took time between college and graduate school to do those things. There's a part of me that is always so envious. Why didn't I take time to do that? Then I remember the path I chose instead. For the most part it was a very straight and narrow path. It lacked the adventure of continental travel but it did not lack the adventure of life and love and laughter. I have zero regrets in this and I am truly thankful for it. I found my own way and I'm still navigating that path because nothing is set in stone. As with any highway system, we all know there are areas of construction that slows us down, detours, unexpected land slides and even though I worry about how my niece will navigate her own path, I know that it is her path to find. That's part of the adventure. I am thankful that she is surrounded by family and friends that can help guide her. 

What else? I am thankful for the truck ride dream I had with Dad this week. I am thankful for lists (of all things). There's been a cold bug thing floating around the house for a week. It started with me last Friday, just a mild case, and settled on Michael Wednesday. It looks (and almost sounds) like he's on the mend. I am thankful for this, but just to be on the safe side, the house will get a nice Lysol coating this weekend. The first Christmas cards arrived yesterday. I love seeing how everyone's kids have grown. I am thankful that you all think of me and remember to keep on your Christmas card list (lists!). I am always so thankful for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

Side Note: Need some random gift for someone? Why not buy them a print or a laptop skin or a phone case. My shop is open and there's free shipping on purchases of $50 or more!  http://nuvango.com/elephantsoap

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A glimpse of the plaza lights

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I don't understand what's happening in this country recently and I'm having a really hard time talking about the things I am grateful for this week without sounding vapid and shallow. I see a serious imbalance of justice happening around me and I feel powerless to stop it. It didn't start with Ferguson and Michael Brown and it hasn't ended with Eric Garner. It's just that these particular incidents are the ones that have set most of us off with an "Enough!". 

I hear people around me discussing the protests and riots in Ferguson. They all talk about how the protests and riots make little sense. They use terms like "they" "them" and "those people". Of course these voices I'm hearing are coming from white privileged people and they don't realize that when say things like "those people" they are adding another barrier, another wall of separation. Because there is no them or they or those people. There is only us and we all share this space. "I just can't imagine." This is something I heard from people often after Chris died. Any time someone would say that to me, I'd want to scream at them. Of course you can't imagine what it's like to go through what I've gone through. Who sits around and daydreams about their loved one getting sick and dying of cancer? You can't imagine it because you've never experienced it. I've heard that same phrase often in the past few weeks in regards to Ferguson, except instead of death being the unimaginable thing, it's the destruction of public property. I think this is such a myopic way to look at it because it's not about broken windows or burnt out cars. It's about discrimination. It's about being shoved down and pushed around so many times that you start shoving and pushing back. If someone attacks you, don't you fight back? Human instinct usually is to fight back.

No, as a white woman I can't imagine what it's like to be judged because the color of my skin. I can't imagine what it's like to spend every day under suspicion. I can imagine though that over time, that constant judgment and suspicion can wear down a person. I also know that I would never want to be judged for the color of my skin. I would never want to be judged period. And I think that's what I want to say to the people talking around me. Would you want to be treated that way? I've heard people bitch and moan about a cop pulling them over and handing out a ticket for speeding or running a red light. What if that cop was pulling you over for no other reason than he didn't like the way you looked? Again. Would you want to be treated that way? Now it's very clear that if you are a black person, you're not only going to lose a maybe perfect driving record, you may also lose your life. 

I am thankful for the voices that speak up and out. I am thankful for those voices who will not give up in this fight. I am thankful for those voices who inspire others to speak up and fight against injustice. I am thankful for those of us who can see that there is a serious problem here and an imbalance of justice. I am thankful for those of us who see this problem and desperately want to help to make a change. 

THANKFUL LOVE THURSDAY

Us

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I just got sent to my room to write this entry. I had mentioned last night that I hadn't written anything for today and figured I would let it go this week, but apparently Michael grew tired of me standing in the dining room looking for something to do. So he sent me here. Very soon, in just a short hour or so, this house will be full. The kitchen is already warm from the oven as Michael is preparing the turkey he so excited about. For now, though, it is quiet. The Cabbage is still in her pajamas watching My Little Pony and I'm sitting here in my bed writing this post. 

As I stood in the bathroom getting ready this morning, a prayer song came to me. It's one we all know. "We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing..." I may not be a religious person but that doesn't mean I am irreverent. All across this nation people are gathering today to eat a lot of food, to watch parades and football. Plenty are even putting together their game plan for grabbing Holiday deals on Black Friday. Even with all of that going on, I am sure everyone of us will take a moment, one simple quiet moment, to give thanks. 

Today, I am grateful for my past. I am thankful for the love and life I had with Chris, the stupid silly moments I had with J and the simple crazy adventures I had with my Dad. I am thankful for all of the moments I was blessed to share with them. 

Today, I am grateful for my present. I am thankful for the love and life I have with Michael and the added bonus of the Cabbage. Two for the price of one. We filled out paper work yesterday for domestic partnership. Michael is slowly easing me into marriage. I am thankful for my family who could be with us today to share in our joy. 

Today I am thankful for my future. I have no way of knowing what's ahead. There are hopes and dreams, a feeling that more good things are to come. Of course there will be more loss. That is inevitable, but pain is always mixed with joy. Again, two for the price of one. There is something I do know, because often past, present and future sit together in one plane. The future holds more love, joy, silly moments and crazy adventures. 

I send peace and love to all today. Have a wonderfully Thankful Love Thursday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I had paragraphs written for today's Thankful Friday and as I read through it all, I thought to myself "that doesn't sound very grateful." What is my intention behind this whole gratitude thing on Fridays any way?  Some times it becomes a list, but I've noticed that some times it becomes a complaint. This sucks and I'm thankful that it's over, almost over, fixed or what ever kind of complaint. I am being grateful for complaining. That's gross. 

I feel change in the air. I'm ready to set my New Year's resolutions before this year has even ended. I see a reinvention of a sorts, a girl who wears a bunch of beaded bracelets on one wrist and has a lotus tattoo on the other wrist (I had a clear vision of a lotus wrapping it's petals around my wrist). I see myself pairing down all of my things and truly getting myself organized. But most importantly, I see a girl with genuine gratitude for the life she has. I feel I've maybe been lacking genuine lately.

This week I made a mistake with the bills that left us in a hole on our checking account. I was able to transfer funds from savings to bail us out of the hole and there was no damage other than my guilt of having to take money from savings. I can clearly remember a time when there wouldn't have been money in savings to cover overdrafts in my checking. I also know that there are so many people out there who don't have a savings account to cover overdrafts in their checking. I am very aware that there are those who must choose between a loaf of bread or paying the electric bill. I am not grateful that I am not that person, because I've been that person. I can be grateful that I am in a place where I can actually have a savings account even if it is a small one. I can also be grateful for the reminder to be a more responsible spender so when the opportunity arises, I can help out that person who needs a loaf of bread.

Some times it is a good idea to step back and look at our words from a different angle. Usually I will ask myself "what am I doing right now?" as way to pull my focus to this present moment. It's a mindfulness tool. Perhaps I need to consider the same kind of questioning for Thankful Friday entries. What am I truly grateful for this week? The answer to that question may result in a list at times, but it should never result in a complaint. The point of all of this is to be mindful of blessings that I have. It is a reminder for those days I wake up wanting to punch someone that I should be grateful to have the ability to get up (and punch someone if need be). Bad days are bad days. I'm not trying to sugar coat them or be all "at least I'm not that guy." What I can do is recognize the bad day with something that wasn't so bad. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants to remind me to do just that. 

I am grateful for new babies (Sarah brought her new one to work the other day and I got to hold her for almost an hour). I am grateful for the Gong Lab I signed us up for tonight. I am thankful for some pretty good things happening for friends I love dear. I am genuinely thankful for each and every kind word from you. Here's to a weekend of cleaning and Thanksgiving preparations and a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Yes it is.

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I feel like I'm rushing ahead this week. Like next week should be Thanksgiving. I even bought a bag of apples last Sunday in preparations for an apple pie on Thanksgiving. Now I realize that those apples may not survive another week. While I'm baking pumpkins for pie filling this weekend, I'll be peeling and slicing apples to store in the freezer until I'm ready to make Thanksgiving day pies. Wednesday felt like Thursday. Thursday felt like Friday. It seems that I want that snowball to roll down the mountain faster then it really wants to go. I'm not really sure where that comes from. I'm usually a "whoa Nelly!" type of person. 

I just sense great joy headed in this direction. I know that our house is soon to be filled with friends and family. I know that soon the kitchen will be filled with warmth and the smell of roasting goodness. Knowing that all of that is just around the corner, fills my heart with joy and the kind of excitement I used to have for Christmas mornings when I was little creeping down the stairs in my Christmas night gown. I am pleasantly surprised by this and thankful.

There is often a sense of dread that comes with the Holiday season. I'm not good around hustle and bustle. Large crowds make me twitchy and stabby. There is the added sadness of missing loved ones lost. The holidays are emotionally tough. I also feel an intense internal pressure to make every single human being happy, but particularly those I love. This internal pressure intensifies during the holidays and I always have this sense of panic that I'm not going to have enough time to spend with each person. And it's not you guys (I'm talking to friends and family). It's me. It's the pressure and stress I put on myself because I love you all so dang much. I am thankful for all of my friends and family. I am thankful that I have them to love so dang much. But more than anything, I am thankful that I don't have that sense of dread this holiday season. It's just not there. I am thankful that I am looking forward to this holiday.

This first snow of the season is happening on Saturday. I will always be a summer girl, but I'm working really hard at having a good attitude about the weather. I live in a part of the country that has actual seasons. It's November. Cold should be expected. I heard someone say that they had seen snow here on Halloween before. 'Tis the season. Let it snow. Thursday I made large crock-pot of jackfruit chili. I've purchased a deck of Old Maid and Go Fish and I'm considering buying a deck of Uno (because I can't find mine). There's plenty to do around the house if we don't feel like venturing out in the weather. Did I mention I have pie pumpkins that need baking? The house will be cozy this weekend for sure. I am thankful for it all. So here's to a weekend of warmth and card games. And a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Sunset in the side mirror

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Remember how I was harping about travel and getting away? When we went to that farm in Weston, I came back really motivated about booking a room in a bed and breakfast up there. Then I got really disappointed because every b&b was booked from now until forever. Maybe not forever, but well into the holidays. After that heart crushing blow, I started looking at other weekend getaway options and booked us the last room available for this weekend in all of MO. I guess there's something about Fall and weekend getaways. Our weekend getaway will be in Hermann MO where we will tour historic local wineries and stare at the Missouri river.  And I will shut off all electronic devices. Except for my camera on my phone. Girls scout honor. (I was never a girl scout.)(I cannot tell a lie.)

This has been a terrible first week of NaNoWriMo for me. I've written a bit here and there and I've done some minor editing which has been a mistake. What I should be doing is just writing because reading back through what I've already written is HARD. I'm hoping to settle down in front of some fireplace this weekend with a glass of (local) wine and my laptop and make some headway with this whole word count thing. I'm planning for this to be a weekend of calm before the stormy chaos of the holiday season. I'm thankful that Michael and I are taking this weekend for ourselves. We've made plans to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. The number of people coming to Thanksgiving is somewhere around six. Usually this would cause me to break out in hives and I suppose this weekend is my rest up weekend. Honestly though, I have been so present on my mat this week and so motivated to un-mold my butt from my chair that I haven't really thought about Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for these distractions.

But let me go back to something for a second. I have been present on my mat every day this week. And when I say "present" I mean that it's just been me and my mat and every thing else in the world and universe has ceased to exist. I walked away from savasana on Thursday feeling lighter and more at peace with things than I have in a really long time. I came back to my desk and Sean had brought in fancy macarons from a new bakery in Westport. Now I don't know if I was still high from savasana, but that was the best cookie I've ever eaten. I could totally taste the rainbow. I am thankful and surprised that just making the minimal effort has such a huge effect on how I feel.  

I am thankful for Ethiopian food with Tracy. I am thankful for the few words that I have written. I am thankful for stories about missing pink elephants. And? I am thankful for you. Here's to a beautifully relaxing weekend and super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

It's not 4:30

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I know I shouldn't fall into that whole time change trap, but I do every year. My body feels it. Moving the clocks around always messes up my internal clock. 5:50 AM was not always the easiest time in the morning to get up, but I could do it without grumbling every day. Lately I have struggled to get up at this hour. I reach for the alarm and want to hit "snooze". Just one more hour. That's all I need. I swear it. Do you know what happens when you hit snooze? You're body resets because it thinks you're not done sleeping. So then it tries to fall back into the whole rem cycle. The next time the alarm goes off, your body goes "Noooooo......I'm in the middle of deep sleep....leave me alone!" So then it's even more difficult to get out of bed. That whole rinse and repeat with the alarm and snooze screws up the whole sleep cycle. I don't hit the snooze button too often, but I'm telling ya...I really want to hit that snooze button.

Our administrative assistant sent out an email on Wednesday reminding us all about Daylight Savings Time and to adjust our clocks Saturday night. I knew the time change was coming. I didn't know when and I was unwilling to look it up on the calendar because I didn't want it to be something to look forward too. Ever since the government changed daylight savings I've been confused about when it happens. So when I got that email on Wednesday, I felt like jumping for joy. It's really a little bit sad how happy this knowledge made me. All I could think of was how I've been wanting just one more hour and now that wish was finally going to come true. After I thought about it for a bit, I realized that I shouldn't be this excited about a time change. In fact the more I think about it the more I realize that this whole time change stuff is bullshit. That's right. I said BULLSHIT. All these years I've been forcing myself to adjust to this whole shifting of time thing when I should be making it all adjust to me. Time is relative. 

I am thankful that we're moving clocks back an hour this weekend. I am thankful for that answered wish for one more hour. But I'm also thankful for this sudden clarity that I do not have to obey the rules of time change. I am lucky enough to have the option of flexible work hours. When daylight savings starts back again in March, I'm not moving my internal clock forward. I realize that this means that I will most likely be showering around Michael in the mornings when Spring comes around, but I think that's an easier battle then my current one. Now if we could just get them to dump the whole idea of daylights savings time all together, that would be even better. 

What else? I'm thankful for trick-or-treating and painted sugar skulls. I'm thankful for the one evening we had of just being lazy on the couch. I'm thankful for a box of "icky eyes" that came in the mail from Katrina. The cabbage has laughed so much over throwing those eyeballs on the wall and watching them slowly roll down. I am thankful for the discovery of some new areas that I can't wait to go back to explore with my camera. I am thankful for inspiration. 

Have a safe and spooky Halloween and a wonderful Thankful Friday! And don't forget to set your clocks back an hour Saturday night!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Givin' me the crazy eye @mistikae

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Hey...you know when you have a secret that you really want to share, but you can't? I've been sitting on a nugget of a secret for some time now. It wasn't really my secret to share, but I knew something pretty spectacular and sweet and it was something just between me and the person who told me the secret. I am a pretty good secret keeper. It's kind of my thing in the family. I'm the secret keeper. Usually I don't have a problem with this. It doesn't bother me to hold onto some bit of news for another person, but sometimes you get a hold of some news that is just so beautiful, you want to tell the world. This was one of those secrets. It was a secret about Misti and Mark, told to me by Mark and I couldn't say a word about it to Misti. And boy howdie! That nugget of information was HARD to keep to myself. Last weekend, Mark proposed to Misti and I finally got to tell her my secret.

The weekend I went to Oklahoma for John's service, I stayed with Misti and Mark in Norman. That late afternoon, early evening a small group of us gathered on their front porch for reminiscing and wine (reminwining?). I left for a couple of hours to have diner with the Jens and Robin and when Robin and I got back to the McClellan Manor, Misti was asleep on the couch. So Robin, Mark and I sat out on the porch talking about nothing and everything. We talked about the past and relationships and the future and marriage. I learned a lot about Mark that evening. Then Mark grinned like a little boy and said "I'm gonna marry Misti." The twinkle in his eye would have rivaled Santa's. It was so authentically and honestly said and the look on his face was undeniable. It held all of the love and joy he had for Misti. My heart swelled for them. It wasn't because Mark was going to legally wed Misti one day. My heart swelled for them because I could see that marriage or no marriage that this man truly loves and wants to spend the rest of his life my friend. 

I'm really thankful to be able to spill the beans on that secret, but more than that, I am thankful for this bit of good in Misti's life. We want good things for our friends. What a week for being thankful! Engagements and babies! Such wonderful things to be thankful for. I am thankful for the time spent on my yoga mat this week and sharing my practice with a fellow teacher. I am thankful for the progress made on the bathroom. The plan is to be done with the bathroom this weekend. Micheal has pulled everything off the walls and spackled and taped and is all set to paint the trim tonight before sitting down to watch the World Series. Because I don't know if you've heard this, but the Kansas City Royals are in the World Series and it's pretty big deal. His plans are to paint the walls and ceiling tomorrow before the next game in the series starts. It's all coming together (around baseball) and I can't wait for the finished bathroom. I'm thankful for all the work he's put into getting it done quickly. 

I am thankful. For a whole bunch of wonderful. Here's to a beautiful weekend and truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

New shower!

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We have been unable to take a shower in our own bathroom since last Wednesday. During the renovation there have been sink baths and trips to the gym at work to use the shower. Yesterday morning we took showers in the new tub and it was AWESOME! Well...the new shower head is just a standard shower head (nothing fancy), but the act of showering in our own home was pretty amazing. I can say that the bulk of this bathroom renovation is complete and now that it is all said and done I feel like I can tell you a little more about the whole experience.

When we decided that something had to be done, we made arrangements to listen to bids from three different companies. Jericho Home Improvement was the second company we talked with and after hearing their sales pitch, we signed the contract. They gave us three different renovation options with varying prices, starting with how much it would cost to just replace the tile and window and what it would cost to replace the whole dang bathroom. We went with the somewhere in the middle option which included a new tub, window, bath fixtures and tile. The guy who did the work on our bathroom did a fantastic job. It did take him a little longer then he anticipated due to structural issues found when pulling out the old tile. The wood framing around the old window was moldy and bad and had to be replaced. There was also an electrical outlet behind the shower wall that had been filled up with caulk. He fixed all of these things before putting in the new stuff and at the end of each day, he cleaned up after himself. We could still very easily get into the bathroom to use the toilet and the sink. I will admit that there were times when Michael and I looked at the progression of things and could not see how he was going to address some problem areas. There was a gap left in the floor from the old tub that he had to fix and some wall damage from the old tile, but by Wednesday afternoon, he had it all taken care of. 

I called the project manager Thursday morning to tell him that we were more than pleased with the results. Of course that could just be our excitement from getting to use the shower that morning. The good thing is that all of their work comes with a one year warranty. If later on down the line, we notice something not quite right or a tile pops off the wall, we can call them and they will come fix it. It is pretty much a no brainer that I'm thankful to be able to shower in my own house again. I'm more than thankful that yucky moldy window and grossness is gone and replaced with clean new stuff. The thing I'm most thankful for though is how smoothly everything came together. I have heard so many horror stories of contractors not following though, leaving things unfinished, over charging for work not completed or taking weeks and weeks to even complete a simple task. Yes, it took Jericho weeks and weeks to actually get to this job, but that's only because they were busy with a lot of other jobs. I had to wait my turn. Once they started though, they finished in a timely manner with very little disruption to our daily lives. I am thankful to Jericho for not being a horror story. 

Don't think for a minute that this project is complete though. I've taped paint swatches to the wall and I've pretty much narrowed down the colors I'm going with. This weekend we'll replace our sink faucet (nicknamed the Mensa faucet because you have to be a genius to figure out how to turn off the water) and maybe prepare the walls for painting. Michael and I both want it all done by the end of this month though, so we are motivated. Gah...I'm so thankful for the new clean bathroom. I just can't even tell you. I am also thankful that Michael has insisted on doing the painting. He's seen my paint jobs in the other rooms. I'm not saying I did a terrible job. I don't tape off, but I've got a great edge trimmer so I don't feel the need to mess with tape. Those few splotches on the ceiling come from me being too lazy to get on a ladder, but instead will hop up and down with the roller. Occasionally I would hop high enough to bump the ceiling. Whatever, it gets me out of painting. 

What else? There's so much. Michael is over the moon with joy and gratitude that his baseball team, the Royals, are headed to the World Series. It's a big deal around these parts. I am thankful for weather that calls for chili cheese fries (vegetarian style, of course). I am thankful for purple mums and glitter face powder. And I am always, always, thankful for you. 

Have a glorious weekend (Go Pokes!) and super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Blimp! Outside my window.

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Last night I dreamed that Chris and I were preparing for a big move. I interviewed with a strange group of people that reminded me of characters from Real Genius, but it was an amazing prestigious place and I was thrilled with the idea of working there. As we packed up boxes, Chris told me that he was dying. He said that he didn't have much longer and we needed to hurry and find me a place to live. The dream is a bit hazy after that. I remember walking with Chris, my hand in his. I remember us both being happy about the new job. I remember crying a lot and wondering how I was going to do any of this without him. 

It's funny that there are times still in my subconscious that wonders how I can go on and be after Chris. Obviously I am doing just fine and dandy. I guess sometimes when I'm having those Chris dreams, I'm looking for some sign or words or something from him to reassure me that I'm doing things right. I know that everyone out there would say "of course Chris wants you to be happy" and "he wouldn't want you to be alone". These are things that we think the dead would want for us living folk. The truth is I don't really know what Chris would want for me. We never discussed it. In those final weeks, we laid in bed talking and laughing about everything not important. We talked about cremation but not what comes after. That's it really. We didn't talk about how my life or what life was going to be like after him. For all I know, Chris is furious that I've moved forward so well, so quickly. Maybe not furious. Disappointed. Hurt that I could love another. 

As painful as these Chris dreams are at times, I'm thankful for them. I don't have them often. At the end of the day, I don't have much left of him but the version of him that comes to me in my dreams. In every dream there's a chance he'll tell me something important. There may come a day when he looks at me and finally says "Cindy, I approve of all of this". It's not that I need his approval really. It would just be nice to know, to really know, that he's happy for me. And not through some random sign like a scooter key. It would be nice to hear him say the words. I'd probably be happy with any words one way or another even if he's saying "I don't approve". Because this is a thing I know about Chris. He wasn't much for disapproval. It was more like whatever, it's your life, I don't really care. Any way. One day, whether he cares or not, he'll visit me in a dream and at least say "I'm happy for you". That dream will probably come the day I finally allow myself to be happy for me.

Happy Thankful Friday

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The healing waters

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Hey, remember when I said something about still not being sure that this whole domain and hosting crap would not fall apart? It fell apart. The original elephantsoap.com no longer works or re-directs to this site. Here are my options: 1. Pay the current hosting place 2. Move to a different cheaper hosting place or 3. Own the domain name, but forget about using it any more. I'm really leaning to number three mainly because I don't want to pay for more hosting. Also, I kind of don't really care any more. But Michael was all "NO WAY! You are not dropping that domain!". It was in an email, so I'm only assuming that he was pointing his finger at me while saying that. There's also that whole thing about everyone knows the dot com address. There's search history to that address. It's the first house I ever lived in (I still remember my childhood home address as a route number). I'm sure when I discuss these options with Michael he'll convince me to pay for the extra hosting. Any way, I am aware that there is a problem and I'm working on it. I promise. 

The weird thing is that I kind of feel like I have an inkling of what I'm doing. I still haven't emailed Todd in a panic. Todd's probably all "Thank God!". Not that he has been anything but wonderful when it comes to my panic about the blog emails. But come on. Todd has his own gig to deal with. I'm super thankful for all his help, but I'm also thankful that I can take that burden from him. It feels nice to be able to say "Hey Todd? You don't need to worry about this. I've got it". It feels nice to say it and almost even believe it. I've got this. No really. I've got this. I'm grateful for that confidence.

What else? Sometimes Thankful Friday turns into a just a wrap up of the week. Not a bad thing at all. I am so thankful for the time I spent with friends last weekend. There's nothing better than letting a friend's baby chew on your finger or making that baby laugh. Oh! The joy of making a baby laugh. I'm thankful for the afternoon and evening spent in Robin's backyard talking about everything. I am thankful for slumber parties at the Jens' and puppies that sneak into the bed to cuddle with you.  I am thankful for some pretty stellar moments on my yoga mat. And....get this....I'm thankful that construction on the bathroom is finally going to start next week. Really, I'm thankful that Michael called the company so I didn't have to. I'm thankful for you guys too.

Here's to a blissful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Rescued from IKEA. I think I'll name him Maxwell.

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I've been pretty low key around here about the recent opening of IKEA. Surprising because I am an IKEA junkie. I even toured the one in Dublin when Mom and I were there last year. I bought the salmon paste that comes in a toothpaste-like tube and we sat in our hotel that evening trying to convince ourselves that we were not eating cat food on crackers. With cheese. (I think my body is trying to tell me that it needs some Omega3s, because that actually sounds good right now and it is not good). IKEA opened here a couple of weeks ago and though I have been very excited about all of this, I was not excited enough to be one of the crowd camping out for the store opening. 

Back in the days when Chris and I were planning our escape from Oklahoma, we had started creating a list of things we'd like the new place to have. Number one thing the new place had to have, absolutely, was a Trader Joe's. The next thing on the list was to be close enough to an IKEA that a trip there would not require a "weekend getaway". The rest of the list was more like Christmas wishes. An REI store. Public transportation. Lots of green space. Curb side recycling. Portland Oregon. Food trucks. You get the idea. Kansas City had none of the must haves from the list when we moved here. They were in the process of building Trader Joe's though, so we had hopes. It is unfortunate that Chris didn't make it to see some of the other things from the list show up here. Actually...he's be really disappointed with our REI store. It's tiny. But I'm sure he's up there some where happy to know that I can now rescue plants from IKEA any time I want. IKEA puts all the house plants in the darkest dankest corner of the store. It's always near the warehouse entrance. You pass this section and you can't help put buy a plant because you feel sorry for it. IKEA should totally team up with a pet adoption service and put pets there. I am certain I'd leave with with some sort of philodendron under one arm and a puppy under the other. He's probably also very happy that he didn't have to be the one to put together the bed we bought on Saturday. I think I had Michael almost brainwashed that IKEA was the most fabulous place on earth until he opened the box containing the bed pieces and the bazillion parts required to hold it all together. He needs some time before our next IKEA visit. 

Though I am thankful for Michael's patience and ability to follow IKEA instructions, and I'm thankful for everyone in this house having a bed that they sleep comfortably on now, I'm really thankful for the plant I bought to go in my office at work. I know this sounds like an odd thing to be thankful for. I bought two plants when we there on Saturday and re-potted them into some pretty pots. I took one of them to work and set it on the windowsill right outside my cubicle. Every time I look over towards that window I see Maxwell (I named him Maxwell) and I smile. When the guys I work with noticed it they all agreed that it was so nice to have Maxwell in our office. And it really is. It's amazing the difference a houseplant can make. In fact...I think Maxwell might be lonely. It's possible that he'll get some new friends soon. For now, I am thankful for the joy he brings to our office. 

I am thankful for this weekend getaway I'm taking to Oklahoma to surround myself with framily. Sometimes there are people in your life that you just need to be around at certain times. I need to be surrounded by these people this weekend. I am beginning to feel the broken pieces stitching together and I think this weekend may be just what the doctor ordered. I am thankful for rainbows without rain, my yoga mat, and you.

Have a truly lovely weekend, but a perfectly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Seeing a production of Our Town

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A while back Talaura told me about a production of Our Town that would be playing at the Kansas City Repertory Theater. She knows some of the people involved in the production and it's one that played in New York. She told me it was a must see. I'd seen bits of the play before, but never the whole thing and I knew that I really did want to see it. But as it got closer to the run of the show, I got lazy. It would just be easier if they put the show on in my living room. I bought tickets. It was time to nudge this hermit crab out of her shell and I haven't seen a theater production in ages. 

This production of Our Town was everything it had been touted as and more. What gets you though is the last act. Throughout the play there is very little set, a couple of tables and a few chairs. The actors pantomime the actions of daily life like cooking and drinking coffee from mugs. This is OK. For me it takes away any distractions from the words and interactions of the players and as the play goes on it just seems to be a normal thing. That there shouldn't be any more than this. This is where I have to put in a spoiler alert because I'm going to tell you about the end of the play. It's important. In the last act, Emily has died and wishes to go back to live one day even though all the others in the cemetery warn her that it's not a good idea. She chooses to go back to the day of her 12th birthday. That's when they open up what looked like just an ordinary wall at the back of the stage to reveal a complete 1901 kitchen. Down to the very last detail, the red water pump at the sink, the colored bowls hanging near the stove, the mom cooking at the old wood stove, even the sounds and smells of bacon cooking in the skillet. This is the moment where you get it. Emily says "does anyone ever realize life while they live it...every every minute?" as she moves through the kitchen touching everything, begging her mom to just take the time to look at her. The stage manager who has narrated throughout the show admits "No. Saints and poets maybe...they do some."

We don't see the minuet details. We don't take the time to savor ever moment. So often moving on to the next thing is more important than noticing the color of the wrapping around the gift. There are some of us who get it. Those of us who have lost too soon, too early know how fast moments go and how every moment is important. I never forget this, but there are times when I get complacent about it. I will let the moments just roll over me and I think this why my little 365 day projects are so important. They help pull my focus to this moment. I am thankful for those projects, but more than anything I am thankful for the awareness to be truly present in every moment and for knowing how important it really is.

“Oh Earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you.”

I am thankful for every moment, even those that are sometimes painful. 

I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Masala chai

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Can this be a silent Thankful Friday? It's not that I don't have things to be thankful for. That's silly. Just sitting here breathing is enough to rejoice over. No..I'm certainly grateful for many things. It's just that those things are hard to put into words today. There have been many times this week where I have felt all of the words rolling around this noggin yet unable to pull any of them out in a coherent order. The words are a mix of happy, sad, angst, and funny. The problem is that they're all swirling around together and I have been unable to yank out the happy, funny for fear of dragging some of the sad along with it. I'm tired of writing sad. I'm tired of writing about missing. I'm tired of writing of things lost. I'm kind of just tired. 

Fall temperatures have creeped in triggering my inner hibernation hermit. Suddenly I have noticed my lack of leg warmers and how much I may desperately need to add some to my life. We ate our first batch of chili on Monday with cornbread and last night, Michael stood at my bedside to say goodnight and shook his head at me I shivered under my measly two top layers of a sheet and comforter. He swooped down and retrieved his grandmother's quilt from under the bed and threw it over me. Meanwhile, he turns the air conditioner up to the highest (lowest?) setting in his room. He sleeps in the refrigerator. I am torn between fluffy sweaters and shoes without socks. I think that as soon as I pull out the warmer clothes or put away the flip flops, those warm summer temperatures will come back. Maybe I should trick Mother Nature by pretending to put those things away.

But, I remind myself, Fall is beautiful here. The leaves turn to golds and reds that dazzle the eyes for months. It is the season for bonfires and cider and moons bigger and brighter than can be imagined. It is the spell binding season where I'm tempted to smudge the house with sage and burn some candles. So instead of heading into this season begrudgingly, I should be grateful for the beautiful changes to come. In honor of this, I've put butternut squash on the menu for next week and we've started talking about Thanksgiving food. I've started thinking about a pumpkin carving party (Tiffany, remember when we used to do those at your place?). Fall is the season for being grateful for the bounty of food harvested. It is the grateful season and I am ready to open my heart to it. 

I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for the rain. I am really thankful for the return I've made to my yoga mat. There was a moment after class the other day where I was tempted to roll myself up in my yoga mat hug, I'd missed my mat so. I am thankful for warm bowls of chili and calico quilts from grandmas. I am, as always, thankful for you. Here's to a productive weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

So this just flew by my office window.

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Thursday morning, I woke up not coughing. It was the first time in over a week where I didn't start my day coughing. I mean, I still have a cough, it's just not as relentlessly persistent. Waking up without it on Thursday made me want to fist pump the air or high five someone and then I walked at lunch and spent the afternoon coughing. But! There's always a but. Waking without the cough means that I didn't wake up a bazillion times during the night because of it. I didn't take cough medicine before bed either. I slept through the night unassisted. High five! I am thankful that I am finally on the up side of this crud mountain. 

I feel like today's Thankful Friday could easily fall into a laundry list of piddly ass things like short weeks and Kleenex. It is easy to be thankful for the quiet evenings we've had this week as well as the low expectations of getting things done. It's easy to be thankful for my food and the weather or the endless supply of cherry tomatoes that seem to be coming from the garden on a daily basis. They are small little things that can also be easily taken for granted. Maybe that's why it is important to occasionally recognize and be thankful for that laundry list. With daily lives full of work, family, school things, the hustle and bustle of living, the mundane of simple is a blessing. Often I feel the push to dig deeper, to find something more. I don't want my gratitude to be superficial, only being thankful for the things on the surface. Surely I am more blessed than just having a roof over my head, but then you consider those who do not have roofs overhead. I can always pull out a can of beans from the pantry when I'm hungry. To some people the ability to open up a closet door and pull out a can of food is a luxury. 

Weeks ago I was invited to join the 15 Can Challenge through Facebook. I sort of just ignored the invite. It sounded like a good challenge to do, but then I thought about the effort required to actually get the cans to a charity. I set the invite on the back burner to mule over for awhile. The challenge is simple. Every week, when you buy groceries, you buy an extra can of something to set aside for a food pantry charity of your choice. When I received the invite, it was fifteen weeks until December 5th, the day you turn everything in. Now we have more like thirteen weeks, but it's not a big deal to pick up two extra cans here and there to end up with the final total. But the initial reaction was to not bother. I've started the challenge late. I have to get the food to a pantry. Would you listen to those excuses?!? I am gross and lazy. I joined the event today. Taking a moment to be thankful for the simple things was the kick in the pants I needed. If you'd like to join me in this food drive, leave a comment or contact me on Facebook and I will send you an invite. 

A cold front is moving through right as I type this. We will have Fall temperatures this weekend. I am not ready to let go of Summer weather, but I will be thankful for a preview of Fall. Like Christmas in July. I am thankful for treadmill time and clean yoga mats. I am thankful for tofu scramble. And I am always thankful for you. Here's to a fantastic weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Everyone who was sick in this house is getting better. Except me.  Mine has decided to linger and after violently coughing a night away, I went to see the doctor. Bronchitis. One day of steroids and few puffs from an inhaler has already made a world of difference.  The good news is I've lost five pounds and all my core muscles are sore as hell. Also we have a nice three day weekend to fully recover. 

This week I am thankful for rest. There was a time when twenty minute savasanas where mandatory in my yoga practice. After Chris, twenty minute savasanas became a thing of the past. It has been said that savasana is the hardest yoga pose and I used to excel at it. Now I fidget and I check the timer constantly. It's a little disconcerting how bad I've gotten at this part of the practice. It is the most important pose. It is a time for our bodies to heal and it is a time to prepare ourselves for letting go. Savasana is sanskrit for corpse pose. It is the practice of dying. It is the practice of saying goodbye to everything you love and accepting the calm nothing. Maybe I've grown weary of saying goodbye in my real life that practicing it just makes things unbearable. 

I have grown careless with my health. I've known this for some time now; I just haven't been willing to do anything about it. I relished in the carelessness, maybe even thinking "what does it matter". So often here I am thankful for one thing or another. Rarely am I thankful for this body. It's time for more savasanas, less worry, and more appreciation and love for my health. 

I am thankful for the okra and tomatoes I have pulled from the garden. I am thankful for a quite weekend. And I am oh, so thankful for you.