THANKFUL FRIDAY

Morning meditation

"Morning meditation"

I stayed pretty disconnected last week. I still took photos and posted them on social media, but that was mostly for the Cabbage's Mom. Proof that I had not let a shark eat the Cabbage. I realized after we got back that I didn't even really take a lot of pictures. I got my Nikon out only a small handful of times. The Cabbage is not really into getting her picture taken unless it's her idea. Then you're stuck with that weird unnatural smile she plasters on her face as she "poses" for the camera, but you take the picture any way so you can tell her when she gets older that this was her way of posing for the camera. It just seemed too much to get the camera out when there was sand to squish in between my toes. I also had every intention to make a video blog post near the end of the trip, but that didn't happen either. My phone became a map and a camera only. 

I did write down some notes and feelings on driving trough Mississippi. These thoughts I will share with you later. Maybe. I did forgo one morning of yoga and instead of rolling out my mat on the beach, I roamed the beach with my camera. Photography meditation is just as beneficial as a sun salutation. I did read a book with real live pages to turn, but I mostly sat in a chair and stared at the water. What if I just used my phone as a phone/camera/map? What if I took all the other things off? My sudoku game? All the social media? If I use Instagram to share my pictures to facebook, Flickr, and Tumbler, do I really need those apps on my phone? What would happen in those moments of so called nothing to do, waiting for this or that, if I had nothing to look at on my phone?  I'd be stuck with my own thoughts. I'd be left with observing the things happening around me. I may not be ready to go cold turkey just yet, but I'm thankful for the seed planted by this vacation. At the very least it's a reminder that I need to unplug more often. 

I am thankful for the time spent with Tiffany, Tom and Allison. Tiffany and Tom have produced this remarkably patient and kind little girl. I say little girl lightly because Allison is an eighty year old woman trapped in a seven year old's body. I am thankful that Tiffany was present for leaving some of Chris's ashes on the beach in Florida. I am thankful that we could share that together, just the two of us. I am thankful for our too short visit to Chattanooga to see Chad and Jess. I don't know how we managed to pack as much laughter and tears into such a short amount of time. I cried as we pulled away from their apartment complex. Hell, I have tears in my eyes now just thinking of it. I am so thankful for those two. Even if the Cabbage refuses to remember their names. Hint: his rhymes with bad and her's with mess. 

I am thankful for the bounty of squash we came home to and the chickens who survived without us. I am thankful that all went well for Josephine at the vet while we were gone. We left the water hose on in the back yard and the hose busted. I am thankful that there was only a tiny amount of water in the basement. Michael left his truck unlocked. I am thankful it was still sitting in the driveway when we got home. I have lots to be thankful for, but I am really thankful for all of you guys.

Here's to a peaceful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Oasis #40daysofyoga

"Oasis #40daysofyoga"

The other day, I went to yoga class and we had a substitute teacher. She had us attempt and or do Urdhva Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana, which I twisted myself into with zero effort. I was the oldest person in class that day and I could hear the other students grunting and struggling with the pose while I hung out with a smile on my face. This is a total brag. I know that. I know that it's not even a humble brag. I can bend myself into a pretzel, take that you young whipper snappers you. Arm balances on the other hand, elude me. One of those young whipper snappers asked me after class how long I'd been practicing yoga and I had to stop and do some math. I was twenty one when I started taking my first yoga class. I have been practicing yoga for eighteen years. I have been on my mat at the very least once a week for eighteen years. There have been months here and there where I have fallen off my mat, but I've always gotten back on and I do that almost daily now. So of course I can bend myself into a pretzel. Truthfully I should be better at arm balances, but I am guilty of avoiding poses in my practice that I just don't enjoy doing. 

Thursday morning I woke in the disguise of a cantankerous old biddy. I felt mean, like I was ready to pick a fight, post some inflammatory statement on facebook or punch someone. Those things could have easily happened and I finally reached a moment in my day where I felt I had stewed over nothing for long enough. I picked up my yoga mat and headed over to the gym and rolled out my mat. And at the end of my practice, I felt less like punching someone. I know I've talked so many times about my yoga practice here and after awhile it's all blah blah yoga blah. Also I know that I talk about all the times I don't get on my mat, those weeks where I miss a bunch of days. I do miss a lot of days. Sometimes I have a week where my mat sees the light of day only one time. Yet, lately, I am more likely to get on my yoga mat then I am to pick up a book. 

Michael has told me that I have one job next week. My job is to get up in the mornings, take my yoga mat down to the beach and do yoga. Every morning. That is exactly what I am going to do. I have panicked all week about things I need to pack. Last night I put all of my summer clothes in the suitcase. All of them. I zipped up the suitcase and set it the living room where I stared at it for an hour. Then I picked it up, placed it back on the bed where I unzipped it and removed half of the things. The Cabbage will be wearing underwear in the car ride down on Sunday, because every bit of summer clothing I have for her is packed. I've upgraded her toy bag from my medium sized canvas World Market tote to a giant IKEA bag. Today we take Josephine to the vet to be boarded while we are away. We also scheduled for her to get spayed during this time. I've been a wreck for days about this. It just seems like an awfully long time for her to be away from me. I have spent extra time scratching her belly and letting her chew on me, but I still predict some tears when we drop her off.  My unofficial job this week has been to worry about all of the things. 

I am thankful that even though I have been worrying about all of this stuff, Michael has been standing by constantly telling me not to worry. He keeps reminding me that we are going to have so much fun in Alabama. He keeps reminding me that I only have one job and that's yoga. I am grateful. To be able to even go on this trip is a gift. The Cabbage dances in her recital tomorrow night. Randy and Katrina are coming up to see her dance and meet the chickens. Then on Sunday morning, we load up and head south. So...things are going to be quite around here next week. I'm not taking my laptop or my iPad. The phone is a necessity, but my plan is to only use it occasionally to take some pictures. The Nikon is already packed and Elephant Soap is on vacation.

Here's to a lovely weekend and hoping that your next week is full of ease. And here's to a wonderful Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

We got squash blossoms! #365

"We got squash blossoms! #365"

I am having a hard time being present in this space right now. We leave for vacation in a week and my thoughts are already on what kind of groceries I need to take with us and how I'm going to fit the folding "beach" chair I bought from IKEA in the car with all of the things. The beach chair does not fold down to a smaller size like I thought it would. It does fold down flat, so that's something. I also keep thinking about how I'm going lay my body right down on the hot sand and make sand angels and feel the hot sun warming my belly. Because it's June and the electric blanket is still on my bed. If, on the off chance it isn't raining and I get to ride my scooter to work, I am still wearing a coat and gloves in the mornings. I have been cold since sometime in October 2014 and I AM STILL COLD. So instead of thinking about things I love and having gratitude, I am thinking about how I'm finally going to be warm. 

There's also a small section of my brain that is currently filled with worry and doubt. Will I manage to pack the right things for a beach vacation? Can we really even afford this? Should I buy an embroidery kit before we go and sit on the beach embroidering pillow cases? Will the Cabbage even like the ocean? Or is that week going to be full of "Why is there sand? How come the sun is out? I am not eating that! What can I have to eat? Why do I have to wear sunscreen?" I have this needling thought that all of it will turn into a long week of complaints and whining and I will turn into the freakishly smiling person killing herself to make sure everyone is having the most fun of all time. I will come home from vacation needing a vacation because I forgot that I am not in charge of making sure everyone is happy all of the time. Then as I type this I realize that I have a whole week for those worries to fester and consume larger areas of my brain. So, I'm shutting that down now. New mantra: I am not in charge of other peoples' happiness. Only mine.

And with that I'm pulling myself together to think about right now and gratitude. Wednesday, after Michael said that it was going to rain, I rode my scooter to work any way. Then I stood at my office window and watched more rain fall from the sky than I had ever seen in my life. I watched Brush Creek fill up and over the sidewalks. It was still pouring when we went to lunch and I gasped as we passed cars parked at the curb with water rushing so deep that it covered more than half of the tires. Everyone made a pact at the lunch table that one of them would take me home at the end of the day. But as I left yoga that evening to head home, the sky lightened up and the sun peaked out from behind the clouds. I giggled as I zipped home on the scooter. Once again I gave a big middle finger to my weather app and managed to have it not come back and bite me. I am thankful for those moments between the rain. 

I am thankful for mantras that keep me present in this very moment. I am thankful smoked jackfruit sandwiches with fried jalapenos and grilled pimento and cheese. I am thankful for the sun coming out this morning just in time for my out of the way walk back to my desk with a mug of coffee.  I am thankful for fishing dreams with Dad and J. I am thankful for my crazy messy haired dog because she makes me laugh at silliness. And as always, I am thankful for you.

Here's to a great muggy weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Stormy weather, the new normal weather.

"Stormy weather, the new normal weather."

Every morning, after I've gone around to all of my microscopes and have made sure they're working properly, I go and get my cup of coffee for the day. Usually, I get my coffee and then head back up to my desk, but lately I've started taking what I call "the long way" around to my desk. It's really not so much a long way around as much as it is a completely out of the way loop around to my desk. My completely out of the way loop takes me up a flight of stairs, out a secret door and onto a path that leads to the fountains on the west end of the building. The sidewalk winds around the fountains in a large circle and then meets up with original path, which then leads to a different secret door near my office. This is one of the ways I add steps to my day. I do a little here, get on the treadmill there and then do a little more over there. By the end of the day it all adds up. This completely out of the way loop has also become a really nice morning meditation. It's still very early, so there's not many people out. It's usually just me and the birds and the occasional snail. It's a moment of peace before the clamor of the day sets in. 

Thursday morning, as I made my breakfast and watched Josephine in the backyard, I noticed the sky growing darker and darker. Finally I called Josephine in just before the sky opened to dump more buckets of rain. Michael was saying goodbye as I was zipping up my rain jacket. He looked me oddly and asked if I was riding my scooter. I laughed and said "no way". We both ran to our vehicles getting completely drenched on the way. I set aside the thought of missing my morning meditation walk. I could just walk inside, but when it came time to get my coffee, the skies lightened and it stopped raining. I walked with my coffee mug out onto my out of the way path. I am thankful for these morning moments of solitude. It gives me time to make lists in my head for daily tasks. I don't need it to be outside, but I'm not going to lie that it helps. As I'm walking I notice how the sidewalk curves here and bends there. I hear the different sounds of the water fountain from the roar of the spraying jets to the trickle of drips that fall over the edge of one pool into the other. I see all sorts of little birds. It is in these moments where I am telling myself to pay attention and be aware. See the details. This practice makes it easier to see the details in the day's tasks and problems.

I am thankful for the two whole days without rain this week. I am thankful for rice noodles. I am thankful for the salad greens, spinach and kale that we ate on this week because it came straight out of our garden. Everyone knows that those things taste sweeter when they come from your own garden. I am thankful for bicycle rides and scooter rides. I am thankful that Mom is coming in for a visit this weekend. Saturday starts the Corporate Challenge softball tournament at 6:30 AM. There's no dragging Michael out that early on a Saturday. So I'm really thankful Mom will be here to come with me to the games. I am thankful for the small details and I'm thankful for you.

Here's to a fabulous weekend and wonderful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

For the last few days, my email inbox has been filled with ads for Memorial Day Sales. Take an additional 40% off here. Save up to 50% on things there. It's not just a Memorial Day Sale; it's a Memorial Day Sales EVENT! These ads are mixed in with all the other promotional emails on hosting the best bbq and the healthiest burgers to grill this Memorial Day weekend! There was a time when my Memorial Day weekend would be all about the barbecues and the shopping and that paid day off of work. I now know better. It's just the knowledge of the true meaning of Memorial Day came to me in the most unfortunate way. There have been six thousand eight  hundred and forty U.S. service members die since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. That's 6,840 families who understand the true meaning of Memorial Day. 

I used to think it was cliche to say "thank you" to a service person. I am still annoyed by people who thank me or my family for our sacrifice. A lot of that had to do with how I disagreed with the politics behind Operation Iraqi Freedom. I still disagree with the politics that send our service people into harms way. It dawns on me though that our service people do not choose where they serve. They just choose to serve. That's a pretty big commitment and sacrifice to say "hey, I'll go where ever you send me and fight who ever you tell me too." Sure they expect a few things in return like decent housing and good health care and some sort of income. It would also be nice if their family was taken care of while they are away on leave. These are simple and easy things for us to do considering that serving their country is a very dangerous job and there's a very real probability that they won't come home to that family. 

So today, I am grateful for those who choose to serve this country and who died serving this country.  Because these soldiers don't just fight terrorists, they also provide aid and medical help to those in need. They are humanitarians. They are teachers and they are protectors. There is a group of ROTC kids that go out and put flags up on every veteran grave site in the military cemetery where J is buried. There are a lot of grave sites; it's a big cemetery. They do every single one. And it's not just slap a flag up and run on to the next one thing. They ceremoniously unfold the flag and then stand at attention while it is being raised up the pole. I am grateful to these young people for their dedication in honoring and paying tribute to our veterans. I don't think they realize what it means to the families of those they honor. 

And, honestly, I am also a little grateful for the paid holiday. Cheers to you and your's and happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I'm real proud of this salad. #365

"I'm real proud of this salad. #365"

Hey, remember that time I said that I thought I wanted to take up running and then I kind of did, but then I didn't because of various (excuses) reasons? I have to say that thought has crawled back into my brain again.  Early last Saturday morning, I drove downtown to go to a yoga class at Sage (I like that place for a few reasons that is probably a post of it's own). As I drove down the city streets, I kept seeing women running or starting out their run for the morning. None of them looked happy, but all of them looked determined. And I thought "Hey! I think I'd like to try that whole running thing again." Then I had a two day sinus headache that has morphed into nasal congestion. Wednesday night I was have a fairly explicit sexual dream and I started gasping for breath because of well...things, but then I realized that I actually couldn't breath and I woke up gasping for air because I really couldn't breath. Both nostrils had become completely blocked. This hasn't kept me from walking more than 12,000 steps every day or practicing catching and throwing a softball. I got the whole getting hit in the face thing out of the way with the first throw. My lip is black and blue and my right arm and rib cage are a bit sore, but I still have all my teeth and I feel more comfortable catching a softball with a mitt. 

Despite the mouth breathing situation and sore body, I still think that I might want to run or runwalk or something that makes it look like I'm running. I just have visions of me and Josephine trotting along the Trolley Track Trail together. We could be just like one of the dozens of girl with dog on leash sets that I see running along that trail. I don't think a swishy pony tail is required. Just maybe a cap and some good running shoes. Look, I am just as surprised by this idea as you are hearing it come from me. Though I am surprised I am also grateful. Lately I haven't wanted to do anything. I get up and walk around and get on the treadmill. I get my steps in, but when the little band on my wrist nudges me for sitting too long, I'd rather ignore it. I drag my feet when it's time to get on the treadmill. I still do it. I still get on the treadmill and walk around. I just don't want to do it. Now, suddenly, I find myself wanting to do something other than mold myself to the couch. I am thankful for this switch that's been turned on in my brain. I think it's a good sign even if I end up just walking the Trolley Track Trail. 

I don't talk about being depressed too often here. Mostly because I still don't feel like I could be diagnosed with clinical depression. Winter time is, for a number of reasons, especially difficult for me. It's difficult for everyone, but usually I bounce right out of the winter time blahs with Spring. Spring time moved in at a snail's pace this year and my winter time malaise has taken time to shake off. Even on the sunny days where I've been able to ride the scooter and I've petted chickens and I feel kind of happy, there's been a section of my brain that still felt kind of sad. I am thankful for a shift in mood that makes me want to be active because it's a sure sign that I've finally kicked those winter time blahs to the curb. 

What else? I am thankful for and humbled by the happy Mother's Day wishes I received on Sunday. I have plenty of more thoughts on this but I think I'll save that for another time. I am thankful for the things growing in the backyard. This, of course includes the chickens. They are so big now. They are CHICKENS! I wouldn't be surprised if one of them lays an egg tomorrow. We had the most lovely salad of mixed greens last night for dinner. Michael kept picking a leaf out of the salad spinner and munching on it and then exclaiming "That came out of the garden!" I have discovered a new favorite way to cook mushrooms. I mix together some tamari, sesame seed oil and honey, toss the mushrooms in the sauce and the roast at 450 for about twenty minutes, turning in between. They are delicious and Michael even likes them, so I'm pretty thankful for roasted mushrooms.  We are happy, healthy and almost wise in this house. That's really a good reason to be thankful. There's also you guys. I'm always thankful for you.

Here's to a lovely weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My mother was my first feminist role model.  I mean she was no Gloria Steinem, but she was my first memory of seeing a woman doing the things only men were supposed to do as men told women to do them. She was that woman who could and did  bring home the bacon and then fry it up in a pan. As soon as I started preschool, mom started working on her associates in business. Then she went right on into the work force where she struggled just like all the other women to balance work and home and being a "good" mother. She was my first example of a woman having pride in her work. She didn't just have a job because we needed the money. We did at times really need the money, but her job gave her a special sense of purpose. She was the first woman in my life to teach me those things were possible. 

In fourth grade, I fell off the top of the monkey bars and broke my arm during lunch recess. My mom worked as a greeting cards rep for American Greeting at the time. She had to travel all over Oklahoma visiting stores that sold American Greeting cards. Dad was working in a top secret area of American Airlines. It probably wasn't really top secret, but he couldn't get phone calls. The school didn't have any phone records for me. They couldn't get a hold of either parent. The only thing they could do was send someone over to the high school to fetch my sister. Janell sat with me in the principal's office and patted my back while I rested my head on a desk and cried. We sat there until my dad got off work at 3:30. My mom was so upset that there hadn't been a way for the school to contact her about my broken arm that she went to the greeting card company and demanded they provide her with a cell phone. This would have been somewhere around 1985. From then on my mom drove around with this giant cell phone/bag contraption in her car so that she could be reached in cases of emergencies. 

I know she felt bad about all of that. I know she felt guilt for not being there and knowing that I sat for so long with out medical attention and in serious pain. I know it's something that truly bothered her. I'd like to think I was not the kind of child that ever said anything to her about her not being there. I don't remember being overly upset about her not being there, but to be fair I was in some pain and things are blurry from that day. I do know that I never told her that I was OK with her not being there. I never said "hey, really, it's OK Mom." Because it was. I probably should have told her that. I probably should tell her that. I should tell her that I know she would have been there in a heart beat if they had been able to contact her. I also know that her job wasn't just important to her, but without her income, I would have missed out on soooo much. I should say to her that it was Dad's turn. Mom was there through all of the crap with the first broken arm. She was the one who took me to countless doctors appointments, to get my tonsils out, to the allergists. She was the one who took me to get my wisdom teeth out and was the one who dealt with the skin crawling incident that resulted from the pain meds they gave me after my wisdom teeth surgery. I am thankful that she was there, but more importantly, I am thankful that she is the type of mom who wants to be there. Because really, she has always been there when it truly mattered to me.

I hope she has a lovely and relaxed Mother's Day and I hope that all the seeds I sent her are thriving. Just like me. 

Happy Thankful Friday!  

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Chicken butt #lookforthelight

"Chicken butt #lookforthelight"

Monday, I rushed home after work to meet the plumber (yes, again, and I don't really want to talk about it because if I don't talk about it everything will be OK). There's been family drama and while the plumber worked in the basement and I paced the floor, I took turns with Katrina in calming my sister down. Tuesday I rushed home after work to take Josephine to the vet for her last shot of the year. Wednesday, I stayed late for yoga class. Thursday evening, I went home and did yard work. Later that night, Michael made an emergency trip to the drug store for Benedryl and Calamine lotion to treat the patch of poison ivy that's appeared on my shin. All of this sounds like a week for which I am thankful is over. But....

The family drama has been somewhat resolved. Everyone is safe and unharmed and alive. Josephine was the most behaved puppy while getting a shot and then getting her nails trimmed. This earned her a pigs ear that she has been obsessing over all week. Oh, to chew or to hide?!?  That is her Shakespearean question. We came home to find Michael cleaning out the chicken coop. He opened the large back door of the coop to let the chickens roam the yard while he cleaned. I was soon recruited to keep an eye on the chickens because Michael was having a hard time keeping track of four chickens while trying to clean. Also, they fly. Not high, but high enough to fly up and over a fence. So I happily sat on the garden ledge and watched chickens peck and scratch in the brush that's grown up around one of the old logs form that tree fall years back.  I took pictures and marveled at how much they've grown and how their  feathers have turned mostly to feathers with only a little bit of down left on their necks. Marguerite's feathers around her neck have started to turn gold, like she's wearing a fancy choker.  I picked up each one and told them I loved them. 

Wednesday I had lunch with an old friend from high school. Kristina and I used to carpool to the Tulsa Community College our senior year because we both took college courses instead of sitting around doing nothing. She lived with in walking distance of our house and she has always been a serious girl with strong convictions but a ready smile and laugh. We sat at lunch talking about our nows and not to much of our thens. Our conversation was like stepping into a comfortable shoe. We hadn't seen each other in years (probably 10), but it was like we'd just seen each other yesterday. I wish we'd had more time. In fact I really wish we'd had time for a slumber party because Kristina is the type of girl you can do that with. Also, I would have liked to have felt up all the fiber and yarn she'd just made at yarn school. Her duffle bag was FULL. 

I got all of the backyard weedeated before the battery gave out on the weedeater and all of the hedges trimmed. The few times on my yoga mat this week have been glorious practices. I've made all of the step goals and sleep goals. The parts of this week that were unpleasant take up a tiny paragraph of this entry, but the good things? Wow! Would you look at all the good things I have to be thankful for?! A long time ago, Thankful Friday was just a list. A simple list of things that I was grateful for in my week. I started those lists to remind myself that yes, there some crappy things that happen, but tucked in between are some truly amazing things. I am thankful for this practice and I'm ending the week with a reward. It's First Friday here! Art galleries are open and food trucks are out. The high for today is 75. Our evening will be an evening of scooters and food trucks. 

Here's to a treat of a weekend and an awesome Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I love these bookends @potatobiker sent me. She's the coolest. #365

"I love these bookends @potatobiker sent me. She's the coolest. #365"

This Saturday is the 27th Kansas City AIDS Walk. Today, after work, I'll head over to the park to help set up the tent for the Memorial Flags and help out where ever I'm needed. Because this year, I told myself that I was going to do more than raise money for the AIDS Walk. Let me talk about the money part for just a minute though. You guys? You guys are just the most amazing. Thanks to your generosity, I have raised well over my fundraising goal. I keep that goal kind of low because I am always surprised that I raise any money at all, but every year you guys step up and pitch in and remind the world that the internet was made for good things. I am humbled and so grateful. Your generosity is a gift.

This has been a week of little gifts. Monday, I had my doctor's appointment where she ordered tests, but said everything looked fine. She said I was healthy and the tests would just be proof of that. Wednesday, Stephanie sent me a text telling me she had her first nursing interview this week. I don't know if she got the job, but the fact that she's barely out of school and already getting job offers sounds like good news to me. I'm so proud of her. That evening I came home to a package from Amy containing scooter bookends. And not just any scooter bookends, but scooter bookends that look just like my scooter. They are propping up my sciencey books on my desk at work like Biochemical Calculations.  I look at them and whisper "vroom, vroom." Then on Thursday, I had just rolled out my mat for some yoga when Shannon (my yogi friend) came in to teach her lunch time class and said "I have something for you!" She gave me this really cute little bag with chickens all on it. Those bags are her new obsession and when she saw that they made one with my new obsession on it, she couldn't resist. Finally, the last little gift was hearing that my dear Jen just landed a new job working in an art museum. This is where she belongs and I couldn't be more thrilled or proud of her. I am thankful for all of these little gifts. 

This life is good. There are chickens in the yard, a puppy chewing on my fingers, and things popping up in the garden. We are healthy, fat and happy. I've even gone so far as to make some impulsive decisions that makes me feel a little exposed and vulnerable. I realize now that these things have to be done because it's all part of the roller coaster ride. I love roller coasters! I am thankful for tofu tacos and sunny scooter days even if it's been really cold for my morning ride. I am thankful for the Spider Girl picture the Cabbage colored and hung on our fridge. Most of all, I am thankful for you. 

Here's an eventful weekend and hopefully dry AIDS Walk and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Chickies #365

"Chickies #365"

The other day I received an email from Jeana at Ahimsa Healing saying she had a last minute cancelation and was offering that appointment up at a discount. I may have mentioned Jeana here before, but it's been a really long time. In fact, it's been a really long time since I've seen Jeana. I stopped making appointments with her because scheduling became difficult and then I just couldn't really afford it. This isn't the first time Jeana has sent out the cancelation email. Usually, I ignore them because I feel like it's too much of an expense, but this time I didn't hesitate. I replied to her email almost without even thinking about it. The timing for that cancellation and Jeana's email couldn't have come at a better time. She is by far the best energy/massage therapist I have ever encountered. Every time I see her, I feel like I am meeting an old friend. She was practically my therapist when Chris died. She made it easy for me to spill my guts about how I was really feeling, instead of masking it with "I'm fine." And I didn't realize until now just how much I have missed her. She is someone that I am easily thankful for this week and I've made myself a promise that I would see her at least once a year. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment for September.

Jeana helped remove the stacks of stones I've been balancing. The plumber is coming back to the house today to help remove a few more of those stones. Our goal for this weekend is to have the chickens in their coop by tomorrow, thus removing a few more stones from both of us. Michael confessed on Wednesday that the fate of the chickens has been weighing so heavily on him that at times it keeps him up at night. Our other goal is to Spring clean the house. The other night when I said the house seemed dirty, Michael said "It's not really that dirty, but I understand that you need it to be clean. What can I do to help?" I was able to give him the task of deep cleaning the kitchen without any guilt. I don't know if he realizes just how grateful I am to be able to do that. 

I am thankful that we are able to remove the small things from our worry list. I am thankful for the two days I was able to ride the scooter this week. I am thankful for the new allergy medicine I am now taking. I switched to Flonase, finally, after hemming and hawing and sneezing and waking up with a sinus headache every day. So far the only side affect has been some hyperactivity in the mornings. Which is only annoying to the guys I work with because I'm all "hey! hey! hey!" while they're moaning about needing more coffee. I am thankful for seeds that have been planted both physically and metaphorically. I am SO SO SO thankful for each of you who have donated to my AIDS Walk Fundraising Page. And as always, I am thankful for each of you who come here and read these words.

Here's to a clean weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I rode the scooter any way.

"I rode the scooter any way."

Yesterday morning, as I was gathering things together for work, Michael asked me if I'd opened the garage door. I replied "Yes, to get my scooter out." "You're taking your scooter?!?! We must have very different weather apps on our phones." I looked at him and said "Oh, it's going to rain today. I just think I can get there before it starts." Every day this week we've had a chance of rain. The sky will look like it's going to dump buckets of rain only to clear up by the end of the day. Every day this week around 4:30 pm, I have looked out the window and have cursed myself for not riding the scooter. Sean, at work, has done the same thing about his bicycle. So yesterday morning, when he came into the office after seeing my scooter in the parking garage, Sean looked at me and said "Did you just decide to say 'fuck it'." I replied "pretty much." 

There's always some tune that pops into my head while I'm riding the scooter, always something jaunty. "All the Single Ladies" for some reason is a constant one that I hum while zipping down the streets. Occasionally a show tune gets in there and I find myself this close to belting out a song in my best Ethel Merman or Doris Day impression. Yesterday I couldn't help it. Put on a Happy Face rolled right on into my brain because I just knew that the gray skies were indeed going to clear up. I couldn't help but put on a happy face as I made my way to work, where I arrived without a single drop of rain hitting me.  I am thankful that I did not get rained on, but more than anything I am thankful that I took the risk. 

It may appear that I am a daily and casual risk taker. There is now a running joke between me and Michael any time I even think about sticking my arm out of the car to get a picture. He says "Get in the car Cindy" as soon as he hears the window rolling down. This is because I have been known to stick more than just an arm out a window of a moving vehicle while trying to get "the shot". I ride a scooter which, I suppose, is a slightly risky mode of transportation. I regularly expose myself mentally (a few times physically) on the internet, running the risk of judgement and ridicule. Except I don't see any of these things as risky. I always loop my foot around the seat belt before climbing out the car window. I always wear my helmet when riding the scooter and if I was a talker, I'd probably just tell you those stories I write here anyway. To me the risk comes in not taking the picture, missing the scooter ride or a story forever forgotten from not writing it down. I am thankful for the risk because more often than not, the action of taking the risk has brought me the most joy.

We've got a busy weekend planned full of dance classes, yard work, finishing the chicken coop and taking apart the lawn mower for some routine maintenance. With any luck, we'll have seeds planted in the ground by Sunday and a coop ready for chickens who are just about to out grow their box, which is bigger than the box they were in a week ago. The weather is supposed to cooperate and this I am thankful for. I am also thankful for all of you who have made a donation to my AIDS Walk Fundraising page. I will be contacting each of you in May about a thank you gift. There's still time to make a donation! I am thankful for leftover pistachio salad and chocolate chip cookies. I am thankful for tail wags. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a beautiful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Seeds are sorted.

"Seeds are sorted."

I'm really tempted to fall back on a list of grateful for this week. There's just a bunch of things that are all kind of random this week. So...I'm giving you a list.

• Yesterday was Stephanie's birthday. She's been my bff since probably 4th grade. I'd never eaten salami or bagels before I met her. One time we ate a whole jar of homemade bread and butter pickles with slices of cheddar cheese. We used to pull the cushions off their couch and line them up next to Steph's bed and that's where I'd sleep when I slept over. I have a box of notes she wrote me during our sophomore/junior year of high school. Once, while riding in the back of the camp trailer, she almost choked on a brownie. Scared the living daylights out of me. She was at my wedding. I was at her wedding. I saw her graduate college and I was there when her first baby was born. Stephanie has gone back to school to become a nurse. It has not been an easy path, but she's tough as nails. She'll graduate this Spring and I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of her. She's awesome and I'm thankful she's been the twosome to our gruesome. 
• Robin's mom was hit by a car last week. Thankfully she's going to be OK, just really uncomfortable for a while with two badly broken legs. 
• Michael fell over with his scooter the other day. I was in the process of trying to turn my scooter around in the garage. He was rolling down the hill to the street, headed to work. I looked up just in time to see his foot slip on the wet grass. He's kind of achy, but nothing is broken and the scooter is fine. It's just that now we are of the age that when we fall down, it hurts.
• I decided kind of short notice that we should got to Mom's for Easter. It started out as a simple "let's die Easter eggs at Mom's!" to "everyone come over to Mom's for Easter dinner and egg dying and egg hunting!" and I am absolutely fine with this. We're going to eat three different kinds of salad, none of which contain lettuce, two are made with mayo and one is made with Cool-Whip. The Cabbage will have other kids to play with and we will die and hunt Easter eggs. I can't wait. 
• Last but not least, I am super thankful for those of you who have donated to my AIDS Walk fundraising page. You just have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Here's to a wonderful weekend filled with laughter and love and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Good morning.

"Good morning."

Here's a list of things that I am thankful for this week:

• My friends and family are all safe and sound after tornadoes moved through Oklahoma Wednesday night. I didn't even know tornadoes where happening there until the next day when I received a message from Michael's mom asking if my family was OK. A quick text to mom and glance on facebook confirmed that everyone was good, but Katrina lost a flag pole. 
• I have walked well over the recommended 10,000 steps every day this week and I've been on my mat every single day. I have not been feeling all that kind about my body for a few months now. The idea of buying a new swimsuit (which I will need for our summer vacation this year) has me teary. It's just so depressing. I know this is ridiculous. There are women of all shapes and sizes on ModCloth right now sporting a swimsuit and looking fabulous. My body is no different. Except I can't see that. I look down and see lumpiness. Thursday, while sitting in gomukhasana, I saw my reflection in the window and did not recoil at the person staring back. 
• My brother turns a year older on Sunday. I think he's pretty cool so I'm glad he's survived another year to celebrate. He helped influence the music I listen too and gave me a greater appreciation of the art of comic books. He reminds me that sometimes things are just best represented in black and white. He's also really smart.
• Fruit
• Chocolate covered fruit
• Though the temperatures have been too brisk for scooter riding, the sun has been out most of this week. We got some much needed rain two days this week, but it's been glorious sun all the other days. 
• Josephine's newly acquired skill of using the dog door has done wonders for my morning routine. She hops inside and outside and inside and outside and inside and outside all by her little self. We have been accident free for more than a week. I will not count this morning in which she threw up on the rug after swallowing all of her food whole. At least she helped me clean that accident up (gross).
• You guys. 'Cause all of you are super amazing.

 I think that's a pretty good list of things to be grateful for this week. Hope you have a great weekend and an even better Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Bud. #365

"Bud. #365"

Having a gratitude practice, I think, makes you more aware of the ungratefulness around you. I've also noticed that I am more aware of selfish gratitude. "I'm so thankful for this swimming pool of money I can dive into every day." Actually, I've never heard that exact sentence, but I think it's a good example. Really though, it's the lack of gratitude that gets to me the most. Sometimes it even makes me feel slightly ill. Hearing someone be ungrateful has become that nails on the chalkboard sound that every one hates. It's even worse when the ungratefulness is directed right at me. 

I picked up a new Frozen cup for the Cabbage over the weekend and when I pulled it out of the shopping bag and handed it to her, she said "I have two Frozen cups at my mom's house." Later on she requested peaches, peas, four chicken nuggets and a hot dog for dinner. I made all of those things and when I set it in front of her, she said "why didn't you cut up the peaches?" Last time I cut up the peaches I got "why DID you cut up the peaches?" All of these times Michael has instantly jumped in to tell her how her responses are rude and ungrateful. Her words still sting and I have to remind myself that she is a four year old. Gratitude is a learned behavior. We start off with this perfect little baby that we wait on hand and foot, taking care of every need before they even know they need it. Then one day that baby is a child with functioning motor skills and we realize "hey, you can wipe your own butt." It's got to feel as sudden to them as having a rug pulled up under their feet. There's got to be a moment when they realize "Wait. You expect me to do things for myself?" I'm sure for those not inclined to self reliance that this moment of realization is scary. 

Gratitude comes with time and knowledge and experience. For some, gratitude is learned through loss. Struggle is an excellent teacher of gratitude. Combined, loss and struggle can be the drill Sargent to gratitude boot camp. I'd rather the Cabbage learn gratitude in a more gentler kinder way because I believe that understanding gratitude is one of the ways you survive loss and struggle. So, we are working on gratitude in our house. I am mindful to thank the Cabbage for every little act as simple as throwing her candy wrapper in the inside trash. We have inside and outside trash. Outside trash is recycling and every time she has to throw something away she asks "inside trash or outside trash?" even though 98% of the time it's inside trash. If I ask her to do something, I always thank her for doing the task. I keep thinking that eventually she will notice and the words and actions will begin to sink in. But I also want her to learn that gratitude is more than being thankful for stuff or for being waited on. Snippets of time. Opportunities of joy. Moments of happiness. I want her to learn the importance of being thankful for all of those things. 

This week I am thankful for the reminder of patience and the need for kindness and gentleness. I am thankful for the rain even though it slowed Michael's progress on the chicken coop. I am thankful for the sun that has come out to greet us today, on our first day of Spring. I am thankful for the beautiful weather expected this weekend mostly because I know that it means scooter rides. Of course, and as always, I am thankful for you.

Here's to a sunny weekend and bright Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Moment in the sun.

"Moment in the sun."

Gratitude. It's come to that time in the week where I sit down and reflect on things that I am grateful for during the week. Really, the first thing that comes to mind is that I'm kind of thankful this week is winding to an end. I'm not the type that likes to do that sort of thing. It sounds too whiny and the week hasn't been terrible. It has just been long and constant and busy. I'm looking forward to a weekend where I have zero plans except for a haircut on Sunday. There has been talk of cleaning up the back yard and maybe even having a fire pit night. I was thinking about that this morning as I washed my breakfast dishes. It is a Cabbage weekend. Visions of roasting hot dogs (tofu dogs) and marshmallows popped into my head. Then I thought "why stop there? Let's get out the tent and sleep in the backyard!" 

So, I guess, it's the weather that I am really grateful for this week. I've ridden the scooter to work every day except for Monday. The starting temps that day where just a little too cold. I  slept with the windows open last night and when I left for work this morning you could smell the ground thawing. Which reminds me. I have got to order seeds this weekend. For real this time. I noticed the mint peeking up through the dirt yesterday. Obviously mint is the plant that can convince any one that they are master gardeners or really bad at keeping their garden weed free. Even the dog is happy. Yesterday Josephine found a stick and stretched her legs out behind her with her belly on the warm grass and chewed and chewed. I am thankful to be able to step outside without wincing in discomfort from feeling the cold sting my bones. I am thankful for a weekend that promises to be nice enough to spend so much time outside. 

Michael starts his spring break this week. He has grand plans for his time off and one of those plans include building a chicken coop. He said to me this morning "this time next week we may very well have our own chickens." I gave him a questionable look and he said "I'm building a coop next week!" He's a city boy. Still, I'm sure he knows that building a coop does not mean building chickens. He's just very excited. I'm coming home to little wooden chickens aren't I? Any way. I'm super thankful that he gets to have this week off to tinker and do whatever. I bet if I play my cards right, I will not have to make dinner at all next week. I am thankful for the simple evenings we've had this week. I am thankful for walks with the dog. I am thankful that we only have four more episodes of House of Cards left because it is such a time suck. And as always, I am thankful for you. 

Hope your weekend is full of sunshine and you have the most thankful of Thankful Fridays.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Still alive.

"Still alive."

Last night, General Tso's Tofu was on the menu. Only when I opened up the recipe and read the part about drying the tofu for thirty minutes and then marinating it for at least another thirty minutes, I lost the will to live. That's dramatic. I did not lose the will to live, but I had had a very long and slightly frustrating afternoon and waiting for two hours for dinner just didn't sound appealing. I said to Michael "I don't want to make this." He ordered us sandwiches. I am really good about sticking to the menu plan. In hindsight, I should have prepped the tofu yesterday, but 20/20. There are just some nights when the menu that was planned with good intentions turns into a mission impossible. Those nights make me feel like a failure. 

I know deep down that this is entirely untrue. Yesterday, I found a way to help every person that came to me with a problem. I got on my yoga mat. I walked about 12,000 steps. I ate mung beans with rice and kale for lunch. I drank more than eight glasses of water. I washed my face before bed and brush and flossed my teeth. That orchid I bought over a month ago is still very much alive. I make my bed every morning before sitting down to a healthy breakfast and I get to work well before time. I am not a failure. The failure comes from not being able to complete the task and therefore, I can not fail at something that I did not even attempt. Nor does one minor moment of the day define the day entirely. We are all constantly striving for that unobtainable perfection. I am thankful for the little successes throughout my days even if it's just the simple act of making the bed. I am also very thankful that Michael went and got us sandwiches. 

Tomorrow, Michael and I will be day drinking for charity. It is the annual AIDS Walk Open which is a mini-golf pub crawl fundraising event for the Kansas City AIDS Walk. I missed last  year for some reason and Michael who used to bar tend at one of the participating bars has only ever been a witness. This will be his first AIDS Walk Open. I am thankful for Terry because he's the one that always organizes us together for these things. I think we may be a little like herding cats, but Terry takes it all in stride. He makes sure we all get started with a good breakfast and packs a backpack with  snacks. I'm thinking of doing a special video post about the whole thing as a way to kick off my fundraising (begging for money) for this year's AIDS Walk. So keep your eye's peeled for that.

Other things I am thankful for this week? Josephine has started telling us when she needs to go out and she's starting to tackle the steps all by herself. It may be time to get the dog doors refurbished. The temperatures are just a few degrees warmer and there's a rumor that we will see temps in the seventies next week. Once again, I am thankful for you. Here's to a fabulous weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The other night, I stepped outside to walk to the car after yoga class and I noticed that the air smelled almost sweet. It was the same smell that follows a gentle Spring or early Summer rain. I popped my head up to look out through the parking garage and that's when I saw that it was indeed raining. Later on in the evening that rain would turn into teeny tiny snow flakes and leave everything outside looking like it had been dusted with flour. But in that small moment, still hazy from final relaxation, I could almost believe that it was Spring and that if I looked out I would see tulips and daffodils. I know that it was just a tease. Today there is no doubt that it is winter. Little snow flakes decorate my weather widget for the next couple of days. Yes, I was being teased by mother nature, but I was also once again being reminded that Winter's days are numbered. I'm thankful for that reminder. February has passed like the blink of an eye and we are heading into March roaring like a lion. We've all made it this far. I think we'll survive to see the tulips at the end of March. 

I am thankful for many things on this last Friday of February besides the promise of Spring. Today, maybe even as you're reading this, I am traveling to Oklahoma to celebrate the union of Misti and Mark (or Mark and Misti, M&M). I am thankful that Misti has found a partner who makes her life happy. It is unfortunate that Michael and the Cabbage aren't able to go. We just couldn't get the scheduling worked out, but I will not be traveling to Oklahoma alone! I nudged Talaura into flying to KCMO and riding to Oklahoma with me. She and her little dog (with a big heart) Sarge will be keeping me company as I drive us through the great Flint Hills of Kansas. The last time Talaura flew to KCMO and drove with me to Oklahoma it was for Chris's celebration of life service. Not really the best trip. Sort of sad and funny at the same time because we do have a good sense of humor. But it's nice to be making this trip for much happier reasons. I'm thankful to have Talaura and Sarge's company for the drive down. We chat just about every day, but it's not the same as seeing her face and being able to hug her neck. 

Lots of things happening this weekend. Apparently we're traveling into some weather, but I haven't really paid much attention to that. I'm thankful that I learned to drive on icy roads and now have experience in snowy conditions. I do not for see any travel problems. I have good company for the ride down. This is all that really matters. I am thankful for a weekend where we all can gather to celebrate love. Really celebrate. I know, as we grow older, we are more likely to gather to celebrate a life of a loved one lost. That's just the way of things. So these moments where we can all come together for no other reason but to share in the joy of the legally binding of two households are moments to squeeze and hold tight. 

I am thankful that Josephine was not a jerk to Sarge. I am thankful that I successfully completed my latest assignment for Python class without any outside help (I'm learning to write code! Not to be confused with write in code. Running computers kind of code.). I am thankful for you. 

Here's to a weekend of great joy and a super duper Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last night I dreamt of Hanuman. #365

"Last night I dreamt of Hanuman. #365"

I've been doing this meditation thing before I lay down for savasana lately. I take a few minutes to sit and focus on all of the chakras. Each chakra has a color associated to it. ROY G BIV. That's how I remember it because it's just like wavelengths in physics. Red for the root. Orange for the belly. Yellow for the solar plexus. Green for the heart. Blue for the throat. Indigo for the forehead (third eye) and  violet for the crown of the head. To help me stay focused, I associate certain things or memories to each color.  

Violet reminds me of the lilacs that bloomed every year at the old house. When I think of them I can smell them and remember how I  always thought that this was the best smell in the whole wide world. Indigo is the color of my yoga blanket which is my favorite yoga prop. Sometimes I just wrap it around me for no reason at all. Blue reminds me of the alien opera singer in Fifth Element. I think this is a good visualization for the throat chakra and sometimes I hum a little of that tune. Green reminds me of lounging in the grass in Central Park on a hot July day. I took off my shoes and felt the soft cool grass tickle my toes. Yellow is always the sun and I can feel it warming me from my center and out through my limbs and head. Orange makes me think of Chris's scooter which in turn makes me think of Michael's scooter and how much fun it is to ride around town together. And red is always Katrina because she loves everything red and that color is forever linked with her.

These are the things I think of while I sit quietly with my eyes gently closed. Sometimes all of those colors flash just behind my closed eyelids.  Sometimes  the memory or image for that color changes, but it's always something that makes me smile. There have been so many Thankful Friday entries where I express my gratitude for my practice on my mat. The thing is, I'm not sure that I can ever be grateful enough. I think of the person I was before and the person I am today and I see how my practice is grown beyond the poses, beyond the yoga is only exercise idea of yoga. When I picture that sun resting just under my heart, I can feel the warmth of it heating me from the inside out and on days when it's nineteen degrees out, I desperately need that sun. I am grateful for peace of mind and confidence my practice gives me and thankful for the joy it brings to me. But today, I am most thankful for the bright colors of memories that it holds.

What else? I've written about 1400 words since the beginning of Lent (for some reason I feel Lent should be LENT). That's not counting the words I put here. Baby steps. I am thankful for nubby tail wags. I am thankful for peaceful evenings snuggled on the couch. And of course, of course, I am always thankful for you. 

Stay warm this weekend and have a super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One of the most recognizable symbols of Valentine's Day is Cupid, the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection. Often Cupid is depicted with a bow and arrow. The idea is that once you are struck by Cupid's arrow you will be filled with uncontrollable desire or fall madly in love or something like that. When I read this description of Cupid, I thought "how terrible!" It completely changed my original view of the bow and arrow wielding deity. My idea of Cupid has been shaped by cartoons and movies. Being hit with Cupid's arrow means that you will find your one true love. Zip, zing, pow. You are in love. According to the movies. I have never felt that zip, zing, pow. It could just be because I am a somewhat reserved person. I have, how ever, been in love. It has always been matter of fact, I love this person without all the bells and whistles that fiction books talk about. That doesn't mean that I have been lacking in romance. 

Back in the day, I used to collect Disney movies. I had grown up watching these movies, but I also loved the art work that adorned each case. Any one who knows anything about Disney movies, know that they only released them at certain times for a certain amount of time and then they'd go back in the "vault". So this kind made them a collectors item. I was never good at buying things for myself. I'd hear that one would be coming out and get excited, but never go buy it. Chris used to buy them without telling me and then he'd sneak it into the stack of all the other videos. He'd just sit back and wait until I'd discover it. Sometimes it would be days before I would realize there was new video on the shelf. When I'd finally see the new video on the shelf, I would gasp and jump for joy and then we'd laugh about how long it had been sitting there. 

There was a day this week that I thought I could let pass without incident or thought. I believed that I could just go about my day without thinking or remembering or maybe remembering, but being at peace with it all. Instead, I spent the day either crying at my desk or trying not to cry at my desk. When I said all of this to Michael, he said that I should cry at my desk on such a day and that I should do it every year. He said "You loved and were loved back." It is the part where he says that I was loved back that resonated in me. Because that's the part I don't always consider. That's where Cupid fails us. He forgets that, though it's important to love, it's just as important to know that you are loved in return. On my second date with Michael, he took me to see the stars. Literally. He took me to a roof top observatory at the local college. We saw Venus and the surface of the Moon. Then, after we'd been dating for a few weeks, he bought a scooter. He bought a scooter because of me. Now he convinces me to take crazy scooter rides, even on days where I feel like I have too many other things to do. Did I mention he's building me a chicken coop? These are real Valentines. 

I may or may not have been hit with Cupid's arrow. Uncontrollable desires should be left to needs like having an uncontrollable desire to eat a cookie or dance or sing. I am thankful that I have had plenty of those kinds of desires.  I have loved. I love. I am thankful for that. But I am just as thankful, maybe more so, to know that I was loved and that I am loved. I can tell you that feels way better than any zip, zing or pow. 

I am thankful for surprise boxes that just show up in the mail. I am thankful for quiet evenings. I am thankful for ramen noodles and I am as always thankful for you. Here's to knowing that you are a loved and beautiful Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am hesitant to say the things that I am thinking today. Chris would be forty four today, if he were still walking around on this planet. When I think of Chris's birthday, memories go immediately to his last one. I hate that.  Not that it was particularly horrible. Chris was surrounded by friends. There was everything jambalaya and cupcakes. There was plenty of laughter. It's just that all of us knew that this was his last birthday. It was a bitter sweet celebration. Instead of letting my thoughts travel back to that day, I will send them to a different birthday.

When we were in graduate school, we spent almost every Friday evening at Stonewalls. We all met there right at five o'clock. The first one there claimed a table and a pitcher. Chris's birthday rolled around and I decided to have a little surprise party for him at Stonewalls. It was of course Star Wars themed. I had a table cloth and plates and napkins all with Star Wars stuff on it. Even the cake was a Star Wars cake. The only thing I had to do was figure out a way for everyone else in our group to get into Stonewalls before Chris. I gave Tiffany the task of stalling Chris. She came up with some story about how I was pregnant and afraid to tell him. Why this was the story I have no idea, but I can imagine the two of them standing in the alley next to Stonewalls deep in discussion while all our friends passed by one by one to enter the bar. Finally, every one was there that needed to be there and Tiffany brought Chris into the bar.  We all yelled "SURPRISE!" and he was thoroughly surprised. Then I had to explain to Chris that I was not pregnant. We all had a lovely time drinking beer and eating cake for dinner. 

This year I'm not so sure that it is not a coincidence that Chris's birthday has fallen on a day that I choose to write about gratitude. I can look at this day with dread and sadness and depression. I can remember the last moments when things were at their worst or I can look at this day and reflect on all of the good times. The time for sadness is over. From the moment Chris passed on from this world, we have talked about celebrating the life he had. We do not celebrate with tears unless they are happy tears. We remember with joy the greatness, the laughter, and the love that was Chris. I am grateful for every birthday I was able to share with Chris. I am grateful to have been a part of this man's life. I am grateful for all of those people who love Chris. We were all very lucky. So say we all.

I am thankful for play time with puppies, time spent on my mat and cuddles on the couch. I am thankful for the warmer temperatures and weekend full of promise. And I am always, always, thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a special Thankful Friday.