FARE THEE WELL

During the evenings of the last two Fridays, I have managed to clean out a bookcase, removed unused/untouched things from the house, break down empty boxes, throw away garage garbage and sweep the garage. I have come home from work, exhausted from the whole week, but have forced myself to stay with this momentum. I have never had a hard time tossing out things. It’s just that sometimes I do not have the energy to toss. I need rewards. The reward is doing nothing on Sunday. This often is my mantra: If I do this now, I won’t have to do it Sunday. It also turns out that I don’t Spring clean. I Fall clean.

Months ago, I received notice that my domain for elephantsoap.com was set to auto renew. I sat on this information for a month before hacking my way into my account and changing the setting to not renew. I may have written here a long time ago that I was letting go of that domain. I lied. When it came time to actually do it, I froze. Elephantsoap was my identity for so long that when it came time to not renew, I just couldn’t do it. I choked. There’s a lot of emotional energy tied into that domain, but I haven’t been Elephantsoap in a really long time in more ways than one.

Remove unused/untouched things.

Then on Monday, I received a noticed that elephantsoap.com had been renewed and my credit card had been billed $300. Yes, that’s how much I’ve been paying to hold onto a name that no longer represents me. So I spent forever chatting with customer service about getting a refund and at one point, was so frustrated with how long it was taking that I almost said “Forget it. I’ll just keep the damn thing.” I had to remind myself that this thing no longer served a purpose and that I am wasting $300. That’s $300 I can put towards the camera lens that I’ve been eyeing. Again, evidence that I am not the woman I used to be. So I stuck in there, I got my refund and said “Good bye!” to elephantsoap.com.

And I was a little sad about it.

I gave myself a few moments to grieve, taking time to remember all the business cards I have made over the years with that domain to hand out at BlogHer. I remember how proud of myself I was whenever I figured out the correct code for inserting a picture. I may have shed a few tears when I thought about how elephantsoap would not have existed with out Chris. There is a lot about the person I was and the person I am that would not exist without Chris. There comes a time when holding onto something because of an emotional attachment is just holding onto pain and the constant reminder of what is lost. Sometimes you have to trust yourself to recognize when it’s time to let go of that particular attachment, that particular ache.

Elephantsoap was a place to learn. I’ve graduated and I’m pretty proud of this space I’ve built on my own. I trust myself to know that it’s time to let go of this particular attachment.

WHO'S A BIG GIRL? THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL

Cindy Maddera on Instagram: "Colony"

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It was a fuzzy dream. They aways are. I just know that Chris was there and we were supposed to be going to some festival parade thing, but I found myself in the upstairs bathroom of my childhood home surrounded by all the clutter of mom’s makeup collections. I had tried to tie-dye circles onto my romper but it didn’t turn out as I had hoped. I looked at Chris who had some expression on his face that I could only interpret as a look of disappointment. That’s normal. Chris is usually none too pleased with me in any of my dreams. I recognize that this is a manifestation of my own poor self esteem and that Chris was/is not actually disappointed in me. I looked at him this time and shook my head and said “I know. I’m sorry.”

Always apologizing.

The next morning, I found an email from Bluehost reminding me that hosting for my domain was set to renew in October. I still pay for hosting for Elephantsoap.com even though everything from the old space has been migrated over to Squarespace for years now. At first, I held onto that name because I thought that my blog would somehow blow up and turn to dust if I dumped it. I thought that search engines would be disrupted or that no one would know how to find me. I may have successfully migrated all of my old blog over to the new one, built the design of this current blog, yet I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing. It’s all a house of cards and it’s going to come crashing down any minute. I don’t know how this internet/webby thingy works. So I pay my hundred and something a year to Bluehost for peace of mind.

Michael has no idea I’ve been doing this. It is not on our budget spreadsheet and I charge it to one of my credit cards. I know…it’s kind of terrible. No…I feel really bad about it. When the email came up this time around, I asked the guys I work with for some advice. I brought up all of the above mentioned fears and they all told me that I do not need to hang onto that domain unless I just like the name and don’t want any one else to buy up elephantsoap.com. I thought about this and then I opened my mouth and started saying “I do have some emotional attachment…” Then my voice cracked with emotion and I had to walk away. I was completely caught off guard by the wave of tears that hit me. I hid in my favorite bathroom stall while I was taken over by wracking sobs, but I pulled myself together. Then I came back to my desk and cancelled the annual renewal for hosting on Elephantsoap.com. It doesn’t exist any more. I still own the domain name, but because of third party hosting mumbo jumbo this blog will no longer link to Elephantsoap.com. This only effects the links already posted on Facebook. Those links are now all broken.

And yeah, there’s a part of me that is really fucking sad about this.

Elephantsoap is Chris. His idea. His vision for me. It was more than him just handing me a blank empty sketch pad and saying “here ya go.” He built a space of code that translated into colorful borders and banners and said “write here.” It’s like he saw something in me that I still struggle to see in myself. I scoffed at it in the beginning. “What even is a blog? Why do I need one? I’m not a writer. I am not interesting.” But I started putting words in that space and pictures. Yeah, it was crap and drivel and navel gazing, but it was my crap. My drivel. My navel gazing. I’ve grown up though. The writing has changed; hopefully it’s better. The pictures I post have changed; hopefully they’re better. All of that started happening on the new space I made for myself. This, cindymaddera.squarespace.com, this is MY space. This is my vision. It’s where I don’t struggle to see the things that Chris saw in me all those years ago when he built Elephantsoap.

So, I’m going to take a moment to honor the gifts that Elephantsoap gave me and then I’m going to let it go.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Peace

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Peace"

It has been almost a month since I've spoken to Dr. Mary. We have both been on vacations and this week was our first session together in weeks. We briefly talked about our trips and shared a couple of pictures before she asked me how I was doing. I told her about the workshop I had attended over the weekend and some other things that were on my mind. Dr. Mary asked me if I dream. I told her "not really." Which is kind of true. When I dream, they are usually discombobulated scenes that I rarely remember the next morning. I just wake up with a feeling that I did dream about something. I just don't know what that something is half of the time. 

I did tell her about a dream I had had recently that involved a couple Chris and I had been friends with in college. We had a horrible falling out with these two. The whole thing was blown out of proportion and ended sadly. The result was that we never had anything to do with those people again. It was her choice, not ours or even her other half's choice, but we respected her choice. Any way, it all happened years and years ago, so I found it odd that I would be dreaming about them now. Except now that I think about, maybe not so odd. I am constantly re-hashing old arguments in my head and pondering past grievances and what I should have done versus what I did do. I think about how I could have handled things in a more articulate and less volatile manner. I twist it around and around in my head. I do this for no good reason because in most of those incidences, I handled it the best that I could at the time. Also, it's done. We have all moved along with our lives. 

I think maybe for some of those past arguments and grievances, the reason it is so hard to let them go completely is because there wasn't any closure or attempts to mend fences. There was not a moment of "let's agree to disagree but let's also try be friends around that disagreement." No one apologized for bad behavior or hurtful words. They end up just being these little festering blights in your timeline. When asked if I have any regrets, I will tell you that I regret not doing more or being better in those situations. Today I am thankful for the reminder to be better, to listen more empathetically and to make more of an effort to find ways around differences. I am thankful for the reminder to let go of past arguments and grievances. 

This is something really hard to do, particularly in today's environment, but I think that if I try to be better, that's going to rub off on someone else and start a chain reaction of being better. 

WANTS

Confetti

3 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Confetti"

I have started to slowly clean up this space and make some minor changes. I've added some new pictures and removed some broken links. Some stuff had just become outdated, like my Life List. I pulled that from the blog and stored the content someplace safe, but slightly forgotten. I haven't looked at that list in ages. The list still contains things I had planned to do with Chris and it makes me sad to read through it. I start seeing how we never made it to Paradise Falls in South America and wondering just how many helium balloons it would take to lift this house. Then I have to scroll through old pictures to remind myself of the things we did do together to get the bitter taste of loss out of mouth. I decided it was time to officially let the Life List go.

Way back when we all sat down to write our Life Lists, I had a hard time separating things I should do from things I wanted to do. I might as well have written "take out the garbage" as one of those items. I was really bad about coming up with things I wanted. I read other's life lists and would see things like "swim in bioluminescent pools" or "eat a 100 different kinds of cakes" and I would think "oooh....I want to do those things too!" Except I didn't. Not really. Sure I'd love to go swim in a bioluminescent pool of algae, but the whole science girl part of me says "gross." Also, I can't help but think that there's something harmful to the algae and ecosystem by us swimming around with them. Cake used to be one of my main food groups. Sometimes I would have cake for breakfast. If I went to a buffet, I'd get a small plate of salad and two large plates of every single dessert, mostly cake. I cannot tell you the last time I had a piece of cake. Things changed. I changed. 

I have changed.

I have learned that a lot of the things I should do are the things I want to do. I want to take out the garbage and I want to declutter. Cleaning is an enjoyable past time for me. The things that ended up getting crossed off my list were things I really wanted to do. Some of those things that got crossed off are things that I want to do again. Like the water balloon fight. That should be an annual event. But I noticed as I was taking the list down, that there are things on the list that I do not want to do any more. I don't care to know how to make tofu or learn acupuncture. My yoga practice is so rounded and balanced now. I don't want to learn ashtanga because I already know the basics of that practice. But that's the thing about the list. It is meant to change with you. I did not go in an edit that list according to my life changes. Instead it became a time capsule of a different life. 

If making the Life List has taught me anything, it has taught me to recognize and own the things that I want in this life. I want to learn how to make macarons. I want to eat so many different and exotic cheeses that I don't poop for a week. I want to spend more time in a hammock and less time thinking about my fat belly. I want to go dancing, like club dancing where I end up with glitter on my face. I want to go roller skating and I want to go jump around on trampolines. I want to collect more National Park stamps. I want to take the risks that come available to me at unexpected times. This might mean saying "yes" even if I am not sure I should be saying "yes". I want to say "no" to the things I do not want to do and not feel the need to apologize for it or feel guilty for it. 

And I no longer need a list to keep track of the things I want. 

SABATICAL

Exit plan

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

There's really something to be said for powering down electronic devices on weekends. Over the weekend, I used my to phone occasionally to take a picture and upload to Instagram so that I could post it to my Tumbler (I just rolled my eyes at that sentence), but I ignored email and facebook and twitter. Some of that was because I needed the break and some of that was enforced by the fact that I really didn't have signal where we were. I did not find this as annoying as some of the younger wine tourists. We made it to one of the wineries just as a party bus was dropping off two groups of bachelor and bachelorette parties. We stood in line for about ten minutes to get to the tasting room. I heard "I can't get a signal!" in whiney Valley Girl from at least seven different voices. We opted out of that line before making it to the tasting room. The hills of rural MO are not conducive to cell signal. 

Actually I think this was the moment when I felt really at peace with ignoring the internet. There was one time I answered a text from Katrina. It just felt really important to answer "no" to Katrina's request to purchasing a pooping doll for the Cabbage. When I showed the picture of the doll to Michael, he also replied with a "no". Actually, I believe he said "fuck no". Katrina is responsible for the Dog Walker Barbie with the dog that poops. There were little plastic poop pellets scattered around the living room. I think the vacuum has them now. This doll in particular "magically poops charms." There's nothing magical about pooping unless you haven't done it two weeks. This entry has digressed.

Peace! That's what I was talking about. Every time I heard someone say "I can't get a signal" it was said in a voice of panic. I didn't once feel this way over the weekend. I didn't panic when a photo failed to post. I didn't get frustrated whenever I looked at my phone and saw only one dot of signal. In fact, I really didn't care. It was almost a relief to not check email or check in on facebook. Freeing. I used my phone to take pictures and even then I didn't use it all that much. Those two days of down time has made it really difficult to get back into the world of the interwebs.

I've been doing a 365 Days of Happiness project for the last two years. Each day I find something that makes me happy, I take a picture and post it to my Tumblr. For a few weeks now, I've felt like this project has stalled. It's not that I'm not happy or there aren't things out there making me happy. I'm happy. I can say that I haven't felt this emotionally well since before Dad passed away. I just have days where the happy can't be photographed or I don't feel like making the effort. Instead, out of desperation to post anything to my 365 day project, I just choose whatever picture is in my Instagram feed. Sometimes I even roam around the house just taking a picture of whatever even if doesn't make all that particularly happy. Isn't silly when we get stuck in our own ruts of good intentions?

This weekend taught me that it's OK to let this project go for a bit. Give it a rest. Just until the new year. I'm thinking of changing it up some, more of a happiness/gratitude project and one that may not happen every single day. I have plans for the new year. It includes loads of happy without the pressure of proving it on a daily basis. 

THIS WAS THE SUMMER

This was the summer I got used to wearing flip flops that go between the toes. This was the summer the bathroom tiles fell off the wall. This was the summer I grew a head of cabbage and more collard greens than we can eat. This was the summer I got bit by a spider and it left a permanent mark on my arm. This was the summer I saw all of the Dakotas and a tiny corner of Wyoming. This was the summer we colored the driveway with chalk. This was the summer I gave my Dad's eulogy and this is the last summer I will sleep in the house I grew up in. 

For years we've been telling Mom and Dad they should down size to a smaller house closer to town. Dad would tell you that he's all for it, but Mom won't have it. Mom will tell you that she'd loved to move, but Dad wanted to stay. Now it's up to Mom and she's moving into a house right next to my sister. The house conveniently went on the market a few weeks ago.  Our old house will now be one I can drive by and say "hey! I lived there when I was a kid". This is the house they brought me home to after my birth. I learned to walk on the brick floors of the den. The carpet on the staircase was worn from countless sledding trips down them in sleeping bags. There were so many evenings where I fell asleep on my Strawberry Shortcake blanket on the den floor in front of the fire. But it's time to say goodbye. 

I spent the few days I was there sorting through old pictures and boxing up the few things I wanted to keep and a few things that might sell on eBay. All in all it wasn't much. A box of Memaw's china, some pictures, some old Fisher Price toys for eBay and an old doll. It's one of those big floppy rag doll types, but she's wearing all kinds of clothes. The clothes button, zip and tie and she's wearing shoes you have to buckle. I remember spending hours buttoning and unbuttoning her vest over and over. I saved a box of letters Stephanie wrote me in high school. A box of cringe worthy notes about her latest crush and questions about my latest crush.

The rest went into the dumpster. Even the yearbooks. I know those were things I probably should have kept, but as I flipped through the pages I didn't feel an ounce of nostalgia for those days. Instead it dredged up old feelings of inadequacy. It was just a reminder of the years where I could be half me. I was so insecure, so awkward. I wore jeans and large t-shirts to hide my imaginary large grotesque body. I turned page after page not seeing frivolous teenage years, but all the reasons why I wanted to leave. In fact, by the time I got to my Senior year, I was already absent. I took college courses and was only around half the day, two of those hours spent in band and choir. I am no where to be found in the senior group photo.

Letting go of those yearbooks was like letting go of fifty pound weights. Oh the years it took to pull away from all of that, to be comfortable in my skin. To find my voice, my confidence. To be free.    

This was the summer I let go.