FARE THEE WELL

During the evenings of the last two Fridays, I have managed to clean out a bookcase, removed unused/untouched things from the house, break down empty boxes, throw away garage garbage and sweep the garage. I have come home from work, exhausted from the whole week, but have forced myself to stay with this momentum. I have never had a hard time tossing out things. It’s just that sometimes I do not have the energy to toss. I need rewards. The reward is doing nothing on Sunday. This often is my mantra: If I do this now, I won’t have to do it Sunday. It also turns out that I don’t Spring clean. I Fall clean.

Months ago, I received notice that my domain for elephantsoap.com was set to auto renew. I sat on this information for a month before hacking my way into my account and changing the setting to not renew. I may have written here a long time ago that I was letting go of that domain. I lied. When it came time to actually do it, I froze. Elephantsoap was my identity for so long that when it came time to not renew, I just couldn’t do it. I choked. There’s a lot of emotional energy tied into that domain, but I haven’t been Elephantsoap in a really long time in more ways than one.

Remove unused/untouched things.

Then on Monday, I received a noticed that elephantsoap.com had been renewed and my credit card had been billed $300. Yes, that’s how much I’ve been paying to hold onto a name that no longer represents me. So I spent forever chatting with customer service about getting a refund and at one point, was so frustrated with how long it was taking that I almost said “Forget it. I’ll just keep the damn thing.” I had to remind myself that this thing no longer served a purpose and that I am wasting $300. That’s $300 I can put towards the camera lens that I’ve been eyeing. Again, evidence that I am not the woman I used to be. So I stuck in there, I got my refund and said “Good bye!” to elephantsoap.com.

And I was a little sad about it.

I gave myself a few moments to grieve, taking time to remember all the business cards I have made over the years with that domain to hand out at BlogHer. I remember how proud of myself I was whenever I figured out the correct code for inserting a picture. I may have shed a few tears when I thought about how elephantsoap would not have existed with out Chris. There is a lot about the person I was and the person I am that would not exist without Chris. There comes a time when holding onto something because of an emotional attachment is just holding onto pain and the constant reminder of what is lost. Sometimes you have to trust yourself to recognize when it’s time to let go of that particular attachment, that particular ache.

Elephantsoap was a place to learn. I’ve graduated and I’m pretty proud of this space I’ve built on my own. I trust myself to know that it’s time to let go of this particular attachment.