THANKFUL FRIDAY

I’ve been working on something that I don’t want to talk about because I am always working on something I don’t want to talk about. One of the things I wrote in this something I’m working on was the how and why I started a weekly gratitude post. I was still reeling from the loss of J, but even more so, I was grieving the loss of how my family was before J’s death. I had transitioned into a job that I did not enjoy doing, making science not as fun as it used to be. Then Chris and I moved in with his mom, which took away my sense of privacy and personal space. I was unhappy and I was vocal about my unhappiness in a way that I am ashamed of today. The gratitude list was a way for me to change my attitude and save my relationship with Chris because, as he pointed out, this current life may not be ideal, but we still had each other.

Oof.

Everyday, I would write something that I was grateful for in that moment and at the end of every week, I would post this list on the blog. I would keep it in list format. There were some Friday’s when the list would be short, just four or five things, but often, the list would be long. The list was simple, containing things like a bowl of fresh black-eyed-peas or the ten minutes of quiet before students showed up for yoga class. The beginnings of Thankful Friday was far from what it has become today. For one thing, the blog was still Elephant Soap. I’ve (hopefully) matured since the days of Elephant Soap. I am for sure a different girl since the days of Elephant Soap. And I don’t know, but I would like to think my little gratitude project helped to shape me into the person I am today. More than anything, I want to believe that early simple list of gratitude made me a better partner to Chris at that time.

Sometimes, when I am having a week that is particularly difficult, I have a tendency to start writing about all of my complaints. It’s whining really, about things like the weather being too cold to walk the dog or fighting off the urge to hibernate. I will probably write a good paragraph of complaining before I stop myself and delete all of it because I will remember the days of the simple list. I have to pause and take a breath before asking myself “what is my intention for writing this post?” I’m not saying that my complaints do not have some validity or that I’m trying to paint over them and give someone the idea that I’m always happy, well adjusted and good. Because those of you who really know me know that is not true. The title of this post is Thankful Friday and has been since 2008. The intention is gratitude and whining is not part of being grateful.

This week, I am grateful for:

• mushroom tacos

• Christmas lights

• Pilates time with my friend Heather

• Twenty minute savasana

• bandaids

• Michael doing the cooking

• dog snuggles

• keeping things simple

• remembering my intention

Sometimes, we need simplicity.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Peace

2 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Peace"

It has been almost a month since I've spoken to Dr. Mary. We have both been on vacations and this week was our first session together in weeks. We briefly talked about our trips and shared a couple of pictures before she asked me how I was doing. I told her about the workshop I had attended over the weekend and some other things that were on my mind. Dr. Mary asked me if I dream. I told her "not really." Which is kind of true. When I dream, they are usually discombobulated scenes that I rarely remember the next morning. I just wake up with a feeling that I did dream about something. I just don't know what that something is half of the time. 

I did tell her about a dream I had had recently that involved a couple Chris and I had been friends with in college. We had a horrible falling out with these two. The whole thing was blown out of proportion and ended sadly. The result was that we never had anything to do with those people again. It was her choice, not ours or even her other half's choice, but we respected her choice. Any way, it all happened years and years ago, so I found it odd that I would be dreaming about them now. Except now that I think about, maybe not so odd. I am constantly re-hashing old arguments in my head and pondering past grievances and what I should have done versus what I did do. I think about how I could have handled things in a more articulate and less volatile manner. I twist it around and around in my head. I do this for no good reason because in most of those incidences, I handled it the best that I could at the time. Also, it's done. We have all moved along with our lives. 

I think maybe for some of those past arguments and grievances, the reason it is so hard to let them go completely is because there wasn't any closure or attempts to mend fences. There was not a moment of "let's agree to disagree but let's also try be friends around that disagreement." No one apologized for bad behavior or hurtful words. They end up just being these little festering blights in your timeline. When asked if I have any regrets, I will tell you that I regret not doing more or being better in those situations. Today I am thankful for the reminder to be better, to listen more empathetically and to make more of an effort to find ways around differences. I am thankful for the reminder to let go of past arguments and grievances. 

This is something really hard to do, particularly in today's environment, but I think that if I try to be better, that's going to rub off on someone else and start a chain reaction of being better. 

LOVE THURSDAY

Instagram photo by Cindy Maddera * Nov 14, 2015 at 3:53pm UTC

See this Instagram photo by @elephant_soap * 3 likes

A while back, I was watching the news. There was a story following the refugee crisis. This was a day or two after images of a lifeless toddler on a beach circulated the internet. The boy had been on a boat full of refugees that had capsized. That little body on the beach made people sit up and pay more attention to the crisis and chaos of Syria. This news story that I was watching had the reporter walking along with refugees as they tried to get across boarders. There was a man with two children and one plastic bag of belongings. He's a doctor. He has a medical degree. There was a woman who was a teacher. All of them fleeing their homes because their home has become a war zone. 

I think it's easy to see the hoards of refugees as just poor homeless people. We see them dirty, living in tent cities, and they become something other than normal in our my brains. We forget that these people are not much different from us. They are doctors, teachers, educated, hard workers. They are husbands, wives, mothers, daughters, fathers, sons. Before the bombings. Before the violence. They had normal lives. Just like you. I've been thinking about this and trying to write something for days now. I have deleted everything because I just don't know how to organize my thoughts in a way that doesn't sound like I am preaching to a choir. But I know that I am preaching to a choir. 

I don't know why or how my ancestors came to this country. I am Scotch-Irish, so I can only assume famine and persecution was a pretty good reason for risking a voyage across an ocean to a land you knew nothing about but just knew it had to better somehow. It's hard to imagine that people still believe this, but they do. Immigrants and refugees even today, when asked why come to America, they all say it's the land of opportunity and place for a better life for their families. How humbling that is to know you're part of a country like that. Yet there are so many of my fellow Americans who do not see it that way. They say no to letting refugees take sanctuary in the United States. It's not safe. I think about the things we have done because of fear. In 1942, we imprisoned 127,000 American citizens because of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. It is a part of American history that is deeply regretted. 

Risk. The scary thing about taking a risk is the uncertainty, the not knowing what will happen but hoping the risk is worth it. The consequences of not taking in some of these refugees is far greater than running the risk of allowing a terrorist to enter this country. It's funny to me that so many seem more afraid of the terrorists that exist outside this country than they are of the ones that are already here. The ones who threaten students and hurl hate. Timothy McVeigh. But that's another rant. The consequence of not providing sanctuary is that you've turned a whole country of people against us. The consequence is that we just create more terrorists with our lack of compassion. The consequence is that we lose our own humanity. 

There are bible school lessons that have always stuck with me. Love thy neighbor. Treat others as you would wish to be treated. Love one another. These are simple lessons taught across a broad spectrum of religions from Christianity to Muslim to Buddhism. Scary things are going to happen. Bad things. Loss. All of it just the other side of a coin. It is how we react and deal with these fears that defines our character. What kind of human being are you? What kind of human being do you want to be? We can let our fears decide that for us. I prefer to tell my fears to fuck off and chose for myself.