THANKFUL FRIDAY

There has been this green bug in the bathroom for a couple of days. It kind of creeps me out because it makes a buzzy noise when it flies and it's kind of fast and random. My way of handling it has been my usual tactic of just pretend it doesn't exist. I did have to discourage it from randomly flying into my face with the hairdryer one mornings. The other night I was brushing my teeth before bed when Michael walked in to tell me something. I mumbled around my toothbrush something about a creepy bug and Michael said he'd noticed it been around for a few days. He then grabbed a tissue and killed the bug while I flinched in the corner. 

Later that evening I noticed some sort of flying insect on the wall in the bedroom while I was removing the decorative pillows for bed (raised by a southern mom). Michael grabbed another tissue, except this one wasn't such an easy kill. It was a mosquito and as Michael moved in, it flew up and around the room. Michael said something about how he'd rather not shut me up inside a room with a mosquito (I have so many mosquito bites right now that if you connected the dots it would probably spell out 'fuck you') and then smashed it on the ceiling, leaving a streaky blood smear. As he was putting me to bed, Michael said "you know I've rescued you twice in less than hour and I get nothing but a nod from you". I replied "it's your job" which he thought was pretty funny. 

Michael and I have had many discussions on my lack of need. He says that I don't need him and that I'd be perfectly fine on my own. He struggles with my independence or is not used to being with someone so headstrong in their independence. It has been an adjustment for him, but it has also been an adjustment for me. I have to be mindful to not necessarily be more needy, but to be more willing to give a little, to say "hey, I need some help". It is true that I do not need Michael and I've told him this, but I appreciate that he makes things in my life easier. I've told him this too. I am grateful that he kills the bugs that make me nervous and that he's tall enough to even reach the ones on the ceiling. I am grateful it's his job to make things in my life easier.

I am thankful for surprise packages containing homemade peach jam with Morse code messages. I am thankful for the daily okra pick. I've pulled one okra almost every day. By now I just about have enough to dump into a pot of black-eyed peas and stewed tomatoes. I am thankful for endless cherry tomatoes because it's one of the three items that I can get the Cabbage to eat these days. I am thankful for hot summer days. The weather we are having now reminds me of Oklahoma summers and frying eggs on sidewalks. And, last but definitely not least, I am thankful for you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This has been a serious week. I am almost tempted to just leave it at that. Heavy is a good word to describe it. I've spent many hours searching the internet for reliable, credible, statistics on race and crime and statistics versus what we see on the TV. You know me. I'm always looking for the facts and details to a story. Never take anything for face value. Question everything. Things were better last night in Ferguson. But I'm selfish. I want more than better and I want to see these events spark some major change. For now I will be grateful for first night in almost a week that the people of Ferguson had a relatively peaceful night. 

And enough with the heavy. Today is a day to be thankful. Michael had parent/teacher meetings last night. I came home to an empty house so I did something I haven't done in over a year. I peed with the bathroom door open. I also took advantage of my alone time by cleaning the house. I know exactly what some of you are thinking. Cleaning is my thing. Yes, I could have slathered my face in some crazy green deep pore cleansing mask and lounged on the couch watching Sex in the City with a box of Thin Mints. I'm out of Thin Mints, so I scrubbed the house instead. Kitchen counter tops, window ledges, baseboards were wiped clean. Tiny spiders were smashed and cobwebs removed from corners. I mopped the floors and when I dropped the bottle of Pine Sol and spilled half of it on the kitchen floor, so I mopped again. I had just put the mop away and sprawled out on the couch when Michael came home. He walked in and looked around and said "Did you mop?" like it was the craziest thing for me to do.

There is a satisfaction in clean floors. The house in general tends be straight. Clutter in is dealt with on a weekly basis, but there has been an underlying layer of dirt that I have been ignoring, or avoiding, or just too busy to deal with. I've only been able to handle the superficial. It was time to remove the hidden layer of grime. I'm not just cleaning the corners of rooms. I'm cleaning out the corners of my soul. I am thankful to be heading into this weekend with a clean house. I am thankful for how much lighter I feel from cleaning the house. 

I am thankful for the five trays of tomatoes I roasted on Sunday and the fresh corn and black-eyed peas I put up. Many of you have sent lovely cards. I am so thankful for your kind words. I received a beautiful seaside sunset from Suebob yesterday. Every time I look at it I think "I want to go to there". I may have to frame it. I also received a thank you letter from the KC AIDS Walk for my participation in this year's walk. It made me smile. And guess what? I am thankful for you.

The best of weekends to you and a light Thankful Friday. 

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Saturday morning, I went to brunch with Randy and Katrina at Kilkenny's. We had completely forgotten about the Cherry Street Farmers' Market that sets up in that area every summer Saturday. They close off a block of that street for the market, basically right in front of Kilkenny's. We got to the road closed signs and said "The Farmers Market!!!!" all at the same time. I refrained from buying any thing except for the most ridiculous, yet super comfortable pants ( I mean they are really silly looking pants), but I wanted to buy all of the vegetables. 

I've been to the Farmers Market here one time this season and that was early in the growing season when everyone was selling all of the things I was already growing.  Seeing the booths on Saturday filled with tomatoes and corn and squash made me hungry for fresh corn polenta and roasted veggies. I could already smell the tomatoes, garlic, and rosemary slowly roasting, filling the house with delicious goodness. I vowed that I would make it to the market this weekend. I am thankful for the reminder that it's time to fill my freezer with bags of roasted tomatoes and fresh corn. 

This is has been a week for a return to some sort of a routine, at least as far as the regular day to day goes. Work, yoga, treadmill, good food. All of these things play a part in healing. It gives me a sense of normalcy that is greatly appreciated. The Farmers Market is also part of that because it's something I used to do regularly. I am particularly grateful for these grounding acts this week. Speaking of grounding things. A couple of you have asked about my yoga sleeping trick. I promise to sit down next week and write it all up for you. I cannot promise it will work, but I can promise it will help. 

Here's to a beautiful aromatic weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The voices of negativity, complaint and anger have been swirling around me all week. Some of those voices are from others, but some of those are also coming from inside my own head. Honestly those voices have been buzzing around for longer than a week. I've been hearing them for quite a while now. I just think that with Dad's passing I've realized that I've had enough. The second stage of grief is anger and I've tumbled right on past denial straight to it. I am not angry at Dad or even at the disease that took him. I understand all of that. It's not like he was driving while intoxicated, playing chicken with a train or performing careless gun cleaning acts. I'm angry at other things. Circumstances. Reactions. People not behaving the way I would behave in this or that situation. What's worse is that when I hear some complaint or piece of negativity, I glom onto it and feel the need to respond in kind. I'm falling into old yucky habits. 

Yesterday, as I sat stewing over something I suddenly realized what I was missing. Compassion and patience. I'd tossed those two things aside and into the Goodwill pile ready for donation. I need to have compassion to those who have their own way of reacting and behaving. Even if it's not my way. Isn't this something we all learned in preschool? So, I told myself to have some compassion and some patience. Suddenly I wasn't stewing any more and I felt a little lighter. Such a simple epiphany, but one to be thankful for certainly. It made me feel inspired enough to pull out a complaint free bracelet. I also see a salt bath in my future this weekend. 

I have many things to be thankful for this week. We ate green beans fresh from the garden. The weather has dropped from what people around here call sweltering (90) to an easy 85. I have ridden the scooter every day. But the thing I am most thankful for this week is you. The kindness and words that you've sent to me and my family do not go unnoticed. Thank you. Here's to a restorative weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Well, we've done it. This week we signed a contract with a construction company to come in and re-tile the bathroom. I am not getting everything on my wish list, but I'm getting some things I didn't even think about putting on my wish list. Like a new tub. The old cast iron tub that I have now has been resurfaced to the point of no return. There is an area around the drain is chipped off to the bare parts. But because I figured getting a cast iron tub out of this house would be dang near impossible, I figured we could live with chipped off bare parts. So this is what our almost $9,000 is going to get us: new tub, new window (that is not in a wood frame that will grow mold), new subway tile with epoxy grout (non porous grout that will not grow mold...see a theme here?), new shower/tub fixtures, removal and cleanup of all the stuff. Though the company is super busy right now and I have been told that they may not be able to begin for another 8-10 weeks, the project should only take about five days. Is my stomach hurting? Yes. But just a little and here's why. I know when and how long every thing will be disrupted and I think I can handle five days. Remember when I bought that new shower curtain and I wanted to rip out and redecorate the bathroom then? Well, now I get to actually do this. After the tile and tub is all done, we will be painting, installing new shelves, towel racks, and (very important) new sink faucet. I am pretty excited about that. When we first moved into this house, all of the rooms were painted the same butter yellow. I am down to two rooms with that color: the bathroom and the kitchen. Pretty soon, I'll be down to just one butter yellow room. I'm thankful for the timeline. Trust me when I say that scheduled chaos is better for me than just chaos. Getting a time frame for when the project would start and how long the project would take lets me prepare my OCD brain. I am thankful that when the bathroom is completed, I will have a clean bathroom. Like really clean. I mean, there will be no more bloody knuckles from scrubbing uncleanable grout. I cant even express in words what this means to me. Also, there is the benefit that upgrading the bathroom will increase the value of this house. This will be important later. This is a very responsible grownup thing to be doing and falls into my "look at me! I'm a real live grown up" folder.

The first week back from a vacation is always difficult, but I've managed my reentry into normal every day life pretty well I think. Besides meeting contractors for estimates, there has been yoga every day. I'm thankful for the time on my mat because I did not get on it at all while on vacation. I took my mat and yoga blanket with me, but the weather was just not suitable to outside yoga. During one of my practices this week, I had my yoga blanket in the middle of my mat and when I pressed back into child's pose, my nose was right on my blanket. When I inhaled I could smell pine needles. I am thankful that even though I didn't have an opportunity to do yoga in the woods, my yoga props found the opportunity to absorb some of those woods. This week I also inadvertently put myself on a cleansing diet. I didn't mean too. It's just that our meal plan for the week included beans and quinoa and rice and veggies and did not include gluten. My lips look amazing (but I really want a pizza). I am thankful for my food. I'm thankful for our time with the Cabbage (we've had her all week!). I am thankful for the things growing in the garden. I am thankful for every day on the scooter! And I am super thankful for you. Here's to a fantabulous weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am forcing myself to take a moment to show gratitude for the good things that happened this week. It kind of feels like all those times Jessica's mom made us sit down at her kitchen table and write Thank You notes for 4-H stuff. During the summer. When there was outside and Popsicles. Cue the slumping of shoulders and "gah" sound coming from my open mouth. My vacation starts NOW! Talaura will be here TOMORROW! There is a very neatly placed sheet of plastic and Duct tape covering the hole in our shower wall. Michael has done an excellent job of cleaning up the piles of clutter that had accumulated around the house. He even made veggie stock. While I've been at work every day fretting about how I was going to get all the things done, he's been at home doing all of the things. This is where I slap myself and say "Oh yeah...I don't have to do all of the things all by myself any more". Golly is that a hard one to let go of. Teachers tend to not work in the summer. I can ask Michael to do chores. Dur. It's easy to be thankful for that whole having a person to help me out with chores and life and what not. I am thankful for that, but what I'm really thankful for is his willingness to do these things. In fact he insists. Every day he asks me "what can I do today?" and more often than not he gets that task accomplished. I am also mindful that he has things that he wants and needs to do for himself. So when I give him a chore, I give him one chore. Like just clean the bathroom today or run the vacuum. I don't want to take away from the things he wants to do, but I also have a hard time giving up tasks that I think I have to do because I'm the only one that can do it. We're both learning. I am thankful that he insists. I am thankful that he is so willing.

What else? That spider bite is no longer spreading across my entire arm thanks to the doxycycline (you know they give that to people they think have Lyme disease?!?). I'm thankful that my arm is not going to rot off. Since I'm usually in the doctor's office this time of year for poison ivy, I'm thankful I don't have poison ivy. I am thankful for scooter rides and outside yoga practices. I am thankful for the texts sent back and forth between me and Katrina. I'm thankful for avocados (I feel I've eaten several this week). I am super thankful for this vacation and this time we'll have with Talaura. I am thankful for Turayis turning 40! She may not be as thankful about that, but I think 40 is awesome. I'm thankful for pictures of babies that make me laugh and laugh. And I'm thankful for you.

Things will be light around here next week. I might get a video post in, but mostly I'm going to be spending a lot of time being a tourist in my own country. Have a great weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

We have the Cabbage for ten day stretches during the summer instead of the usual every other weekend schedule. She's been with us all week and every evening I've come to a constant chatter describing the days' activities. Monday, Michael and the Cabbage went to school so that Michael could help get summer school started and then they came to work to have lunch with me. There was much excitement over peanut butter and jelly and chocolate pudding (the ice cream machine was out of order, wah wah). Tuesday she accompanied her Dad to the DMV where they spent all day getting Michael's license renewed. I asked her if she had fun at the DMV and she replied "Oh yeah! I can't wait to go back to the DMV!" Now, coming from an adult, there would be a definite tone of sarcasm in that statement, but from a three-year old's perspective that's real excitement and fun. Wednesday, when I came home from yoga class, I stood in the kitchen making my dinner while the Cabbage told me all about a place where they bring your food "ON A TRAIN!" and the water park (sprayground) and the boy who knocked her down at the park and made her scrape her elbow and Lego people and and and...."I smell a ghost!". I asked her what a ghost smells like and she said "a white under sheet". Thursday she left for a couple of days to stay with her Mimi and Nona. We get her back on Sunday. In case you've missed it, it's Summer Break all up in this house and there's ice-pops in my freezer. I was a little nervous about having the Cabbage for so many days in a row in our tiny little house. I also have fretted about food. There's been some effort to start getting her to eat what ever the adults are eating. It's something her mom is trying to do and it makes perfect sense, but I really balk at this idea because what three year old is going to eat kale with mung beans and rice? I can't even get Michael to eat it. I want to provide healthy things for her to eat, but I want her to WANT to eat it. I bought a package of strawberry applesauce packets, the kind all the kids are eating these days, and she didn't like it. That's OK because it's become a learning tool. I make it very clear to her that she's not in trouble, but that I want to know why she thinks it's "yucky". Is it a texture or flavor issue? If I bought this flavor instead would you like it? This way she learns how to be more descriptive than "yucky" and I learn about the foods she likes.

I am thankful for the things we've been able to teach each other this week. I am also thankful that we are eating good things and not junk. I am thankful that I haven't had to struggle to get her to eat carrots and tomatoes. Fruit has been consumed. All things to be thankful for. I am also thankful for all the chatter that greets me when I come home for work. The stories she tells me makes me smile. Her perspective on things make me laugh. The day they came to lunch, she said "Let's play three little pigs. You be the pig that builds your house out of straws" and then pointed to her straw in her cup. She thinks "straw" in the story refers to the kind you drink from. Which is awesome.

There's loads to be thankful for this week. I played the weather lottery yesterday and totally won, making to work before the storm and heading home as the final rain clouds moved out. I am thankful for cotton candy Jelly Bellies. And of course, I am thankful for you. Here's to a great weekend and a perfectly perfect Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A couple of weeks ago, the latch on my rice cooker busted. It would still cook, but liquid would boil up and leak out the sides. Now let me just say that I do not own a microwave. I never bothered to get a new one when we moved here. Four years later and I still have no plans on getting a microwave. I don't miss it one bit, but my rice cooker? Michael told someone once that I'd probably starve without my rice cooker. And he's right. Three days a week I eat steel cut oats for breakfast. Some of you out there may say "Who has time to make steel cut oats in the morning?!?" No one. No one has time for that, but the rice cooker does! I put my oats and water in the cooker the night before, set the delay start and BAM! Breakfast is served. Wednesdays are late days for me and I don't get home from yoga class until almost seven. I'll put some rice, mung beans and spices in the cooker and set the delay start and BAM! Dinner is ready when I walk through the door. Last week I finally broke down and purchased a new rice cooker. Actually, Michael sat me down at the computer and made me order a new rice cooker. It showed up Tuesday and I couldn't be more pleased. I was concerned at first because it looks so much smaller than my old one, but turns out, it's kind of like the Tardis. The cooking bowl is the exact same size as the old one. I know right? Magic. Magic and new technology. It may seem silly to be thankful for a rice cooker. I've mentioned here so many times how important routines are for me. It should be no surprise that my food is part of that routine. When a piece of equipment that plays a large role in facilitating the maintenance of that routine breaks down, it causes me a little bit of stress. Attachment causes suffering, am I right?

So yeah, I'm thankful for a new rice cooker, but really for me it's more than a rice cooker. It not only provides me with good nourishing food, it soothes me. I am thankful for my food, Amen. I am thankful for sunshine. I am thankful for rain. Yin and yang. I am thankful for the giant cabbage leaves we will be eating next week and the one tiny blossom on my tomato plant. I am thankful for today's forecast of 100% chance of scooter because there's nothing sweeter than riding a scooter on a Friday. I am thankful for you. As always.

Here's to a blessed weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Wednesday morning, I pulled the scooter out of the garage and greeted blue skies and the beginnings of a beautiful sunrise. By the time the morning was over the blue skies had been replaced with a layer of dark gray clouds. Those clouds hung around for the rest of the day. They looked heavy with rain and I was pretty sure that my ride home that evening would be a painfully wet ride. I went to yoga class that evening and every time I'd lift up to up dog, I'd take a peak out the window at the sky. The clouds seemed to grow heavier and more ominous with each round of Sun Salutation. At the end of class, I put on my rain jacket, zipping it all the way up to my throat. I hopped on the scooter and headed home. Though the clouds were heavy with rain, I didn't feel one sting of a rain drop. Instead of rain I was greeted with the smells that come just before the rain. Honeysuckle was thick in the air as I left the parking garage. Next came the smell of fried chicken from Go Chicken Go. After this came the smell of of wet dirt, car exhaust, and sometimes the smell of something being grilled on charcoal. Basically, instead of rain, I rode home through the smells of summer. This summer has felt odd to me. Like we got a late start. During what was supposed to be our Spring time, the weather flip flopped from cold damp to threats of frost back to cold damp and then sprinkled in patches of warm. Never leave the house without a sweater (or a towel). That's the most important lesson in life kids. As a result our June is beginning to look more Spring like than Summer. Thursday was rainy with a high of 76 and we decided to not attempt a camping trip this weekend because we are expected to have more of the same type of weather. When the days are warm, they are warm and humid which is something I've heard most people complaining about here. "Oh, the humidity!" I am probably the only person who does not mind. It is the type of weather that reminds me of laying across the rocking love seat on Pepaw's front porch with a book in my face while I listened to the buzz of wasps that were constantly swirling around the jungle of tomato plants Pepaw had climbing up the side of the porch. Summers in Oklahoma are notoriously hot and dry, leaving you feeling liked a baked cookie. I loved those muggy summer visits to Mississippi because of the humidity.

I am thankful that I did not have to ride the scooter home in the rain this week. I am thankful that the rain has held out until late in the night before pouring down on us. The garden is full of greens. Seeds planted two weeks ago are well on their way to becoming beans, cucumbers and okra. The potted plants in the front yard are lush and happy and every time I step out front, I am filled with joy over the sight of them. I know this humid weather is the reason for those thriving plants. I am thankful for the smells of summer, the honeysuckle and fresh mowed lawns and campfires, even that fried chicken from Go Chicken Go. I am also thankful for the sounds of summer. I can hear kids playing outside late in the evening. The ice cream van playing Bingo Was His Name(O) twists his way through the neighborhood. There always the sound of someone doing yard work. All of it makes me long for a hammock and a book. I am no fair weather girl, but I sure am a summer weather girl.

There's always so much to be thankful for. Here's a perfectly pleasant weekend and an amazing Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I feel like today's Thankful Friday is going to turn into a list. There's really not one specific thing that I am thankful for this week as much as it is a big basket of things. Finally, after months, weeks, days and hours of waiting Charlotte Ripley Calger has decided to make her appearance to this world. And I can't stop tearing up over it. I remember last year at Amy and Roger's wedding how every time I'd look over at Amy, we'd both start tearing up and then Matt would yell at us "Batgirls don't cry!". It was just such a beautiful and happy time that neither one of us could keep it from leaking out our eyes. Multiply all that emotion by three (...there were three in the family, that's the magic number) and that should give an idea of the scale of emotion Charlotte brings to the table. I am blown away. Amy is a mother. We have this new being in our presence. I am thankful for all of this. I am thankful that all is well and healthy with mom and baby. I am thankful for this new life I get to be a witness to. As we say hello to a new life, it is with great sadness that we have to say goodbye to an old life. This week announced the death of a truly amazing woman. Maya Angelou was more than just a writer. She was and will always be an inspiration. There is so much more that can be said about this woman, but I lack the eloquence to do so properly. Maya Angelou was the type of woman that I'd wished was my grandma. Not because I could see us baking cookies together, but because I knew that she would be the kind of grandmother to give the wisest advice. I knew that she was someone to teach me valuable lessons. I am thankful for the beautiful words of wisdom that she has given us, for the incredible example she is. It is our duty to make sure that her legacy lives on so that generations to come will know this amazing life.

I am thankful for evening walks that lead us to our local library and a new found blend of spices called zatar. I am thankful for the fireflies that twinkle in my backyard on summer nights. And I am thankful for you. Here's to a wonderfully Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I feel like I've been pretty quiet this week. The few posts I've done have been easy fluff pieces quickly written to fill up space. I have things to write down. I swear it. I'm just not ready to write them down. Also, to be honest, I'm tired. I have yet to fully recover from our weekend. I feel behind. Like my usual routine is off just enough to make every thing feel delayed. I should have done this by now or this should be finished by now. And I have plans for the weekend, big working plans that are contagious because Michael started talking about building a fire pit in the backyard. He showed me where he thought it should go and everything. As contagious as those plans may be, he still asked me if there will be sleeping this weekend. I promised that I would not wake him at all on Monday. Memorial Day weekend for many is the kickoff to summer. Indeed this week has definitely had a warmer, summer time feel to it. Most of us are thinking of that long weekend and barbecues. It's easy to forget the reason why we have a Memorial Day holiday at all. It's just an excuse for department stores to host big sales events right? Memorial Day used to be known as Decoration Day. It was a day that families set aside to remember soldiers lost during the American Civil War. In some southern states, they still hold the tradition of picnic gatherings at grave sites where they also take time to clean up the stones and place new flowers. Memorial Day remembers all of the men and women of the US Armed Forces who have died while serving their country. Today at Floral Haven where J is buried, they will raise over 3000 flags in remembrance of the soldiers buried there. For those of us who know the loss first hand, every day is Memorial Day, but I am thankful that others take time to remember. People who never ever met J will raise a flag in his memory. They will remember that this man died doing a good dead in the name of our country. I am thankful for this. I have had so many people thank me for my sacrifice in regards to J and it always makes me angry for reasons that I just won't get into here. I will probably never admit that J died for this country; he died in service to his country. There's a difference. But what I can be thankful for is knowing that J was a good man. I am thankful that he did his duty and service with integrity and bravery. I am thankful that he was passionate in his beliefs and ideas. I am thankful for him in general. So maybe take a moment while standing in the check out line at Macy's to remember those who died while serving this country.

I am thankful for the things we've eaten from the garden this week. I am thankful for scooter days and evening walks. I am thankful for the air conditioning unit mom gave us that Michael installed in his room (it was one dad had put in the garage to keep peanuts cold). I am thankful for the time spent with family last weekend. I am thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a beautiful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This has been one of those weeks that has moved through the days quickly and so as I get to Friday, I look up and say "Wait...wasn't yesterday Monday?". This leaves me with little time to really reflect on gratitude. I feel like I wasted any free time this week, squandering it all on couch time and TV watching. Which I know is technically not true because dinners were made this week and cleaned up afterward. I was on the treadmill twice a day and my yoga mat and I even renewed my CPR certification. Yet, I still feel like maybe I should have cleaned the bathroom on Tuesday or started a load of laundry on Wednesday. Instead, my Thursday evening was spent trying to get all of these things accomplished before we leave for mom's today. We are spending the weekend in the Tulsa area this because J's oldest, JR, is graduating high school. My great-nephew is graduating high school. Typing that makes me sound like I just turned 108. There are some days where I feel like I must be at least that old or maybe it just seems like I've lived a reeeaaaallllyyyy loooooonnnnngggg time. Any way, I remember this one time when most of the whole family went to Silver Dollar City. Mom, dad, Randy, Katrina, me, Chris and JR. We rode over in Randy and Katrina's van and I sat next to JR who was little bitty and we laughed all the way to Branson. Then we took him into the crooked house where he couldn't stand up because he was so small; the tilted floors threw his center of gravity. He'd stand up and then immediately fall over and it was the most hilarious thing I'd ever seen. We also played the five-more-bites game where he ended up throwing a fit over eating a piece of toast or not eating toast. We had just been trying to get him to eat anything, but NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Forget it. These were the days when he still had a mess of curly blond hair and the two of us shared the exact same giggle. Now he is driving a car, working at Mazzio's, and graduating high school. He is practically a grown up. Where's my shawl and cane?!?

I am thankful for those moments of laughter we have shared. I remember that time both JR and Thomas ended up in the backseat of my car and as Chris and I drove them to Randy and Katrina's house, Chris and the boys managed to change every Star Wars character name to something with "fart" in it. Darth Farter. Fartbacca. Oh how they all thought this was the most hilarious thing. The word "fart" is the funniest word on the planet and I am so thankful for those memories. I am thankful that I have been able to be a witness to this boy's life and I can't wait to see the places he'll go, the path he will take. I am also thankful that we are using this weekend to celebrate Mother's Day and most all of us are getting pedicures. I've been purposefully (not at all) neglecting my toes for this very reason.

What else? I am thankful for cheesy grits with shrimp. I am thankful for things we've eaten straight from the garden. I am super thankful to Shannon for taking time out to renew my CPR certification. And, as always, I am so thankful for you. Here's to a proud graduating weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Late Tuesday night or I guess really early Wednesday morning I woke up to go to the bathroom. I noticed that Michael was still up, just not in the house. Sometimes he sits out in the garage with his iPad. It was a warm evening. I had the windows open with all the fans going and had just about drifted back to sleep when I heard the sound of a speeding car, followed by the screeching sound of breaks and then a loud thump as the car collided with something. I got out of bed and looked out into the garage and Michael was gone. Then I saw the guy that lives across the street running towards his house. I went back inside to get some shoes on and that's when Michael came in. He had run to the corner of the street when he heard the crash. Someone beat him to the scene and yelled back to call 911. The rest of the night was punctuated with the sounds of sirens and metal being cut to free the passengers from a car that was now wrapped around a tree. The news the next day reported that the two passengers were in serious and critical condition. Police had tried to pull them over for a minor traffic violation. The car sped off and police decided it wasn't worth pursuing except the guy driving the car didn't realize that and kept speeding away until he crashed into a tree. Stupid and senseless. The incident left us both a little shaken. Thursday evening, Michael and I walked up to see the tree. The family of the driver was there and they asked us if we could tell them anything about that night. We found out that the driver did not survive.

I am thankful for many things. This is a neighborhood where you can often hear and see kids playing in the yards, riding their bikes up and down the side streets, skateboarding, being kids. If that car had been flying down that street during normal hours, the chances of that driver causing more than just damage to himself, his friend and a tree would have been pretty high. I am thankful that no one else was hurt.

I know that Mother's Day is on Sunday and that I should have devoted today's entry to my mom. When I walked out to an empty house and an empty garage I was suddenly terrified. I nearly passed out from relief when Michael came in the door. I know more than most how scary life can be and how things can turn on a dime. I am thankful for that sigh of relief. I feel horrible for that family, but I'm thankful that no one else was involved.

I'm also thankful for my mom. Happy Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I almost did not sit down to write a Thankful Friday entry for this week. This has been a full week. Projects at work. Preparing for a presentation for lab meeting. Last night I dreamed that I was at a banquet for bloggers and was trying to work on my lab presentation while being introduced to some influential (could help me get published type) people. So of course, I have my presentation open on one window while I type this in another. Yesterday I volunteered at Michael's school for Health Day where I taught three hours of yoga to rowdy teenagers. Then there's been the matter of getting the house set to rights. Over the weekend, in between charity walking, we moved Michael out of his apartment. That left me with the task of finding space for some of his things that wouldn't fit in storage and didn't really belong in the basement. There was also some after moving recovery time needed. Michael and I both agree that part of the money we save for the new house goes to hiring real movers. So technically, I should just be thankful that this week has come to an end. And I am. The week really did seem like it lasted twice as long as usual and I have to admit that I'm still smarting in places from lifting heavy things. The super purple bruise I'd been sporting on my left thigh had just healed. I've replaced that bruise with a hoard of new ones. There's one on my right wrist that I keep licking and trying to rub off because I think it's a dirt smudge. It has also been cold and rainy all week. The heater has been turned back on and the electric blanket put back on the bed. I think I do this every year. Take the blanket off. Put the blanket back on. Take the blanket off. Put the blanket back on. This morning I stepped out of the house fully expecting it to be cold, like really cold, but was surprised by tolerable temperatures and a completely cloud free sky. This weekend we will have take the blanket off weather.

I am thankful. Really when I try to add onto that sentence, the bottom line is that I am thankful. I could tell you that I'm thankful that we are no longer funneling money into Michael's apartment and that this puts us that much closer to our dream house. I could tell you how grateful I am for Ashley (the girl subletting the apartment) for helping with the move. I could go on and on about how thankful I am that I made time to put the house in order (even dust and vacuum) during the week so that I don't have to do it this weekend. Also a disorganized messy house makes me twitchy. I could even tell you that I am thankful for the opportunity to teach those teenagers something about finding some peace and quite in a world that is not so quite and peaceful. Of course I am thankful for all of those things. But really, I'm just thankful. I'm thankful for the normalcy of my life even the boring parts where all I'm doing is watching TV. I used to worry that Michael would realize that I am only 10% exciting and wow (and that 10% happens in my head and on this blog). The other 90% of my life is fairly mundane and boring. It is laundry and grocery shopping and TV marathons. It's sometimes poking around in the garden or dusting and vacuuming. It's what everyone else's every day looks like. But Michael will plop down onto the couch, pull my feet up onto his lap, look at me and say "I want to do boring things with you".

Here's to a beautiful weekend and super Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have become pretty apathetic in regards to my vegetable garden this year. I made the decision last year to not spend any money on the garden this year. If I planted anything it would be the seeds left over from last year. I have mentally moved on from this yard and this garden and have a blueprint forming for our garden built in our space. It will be so much bigger and the chickens will graze through it and the sun will shine down through sparkly glass sun catchers and somehow a hammock will be involved. I have big dreams. We did have a day a while back where the weather was so nice, I ended up on my yoga mat in the back yard. As I flowed from up dog to down dog, my gaze kept landing on the neglected garden. When my practice ended on my mat, I took it over to the garden. I cleaned out the raised beds and the dead things in the herb (now mint) garden. I turned the soil, gathered up the seeds from last year and tossed them in. I can't even really remember what I planted. That night, it snowed. I woke up to a fresh white layer of snow blanketing everything and this wouldn't be the last time I'd wake up to the same scene. I think it snowed three more times before Spring finally muscled Winter out. So I was surprised to look out the kitchen window and see that things had sprouted. We've had a pretty decent spattering of rain the last few weeks, with yesterday being the heaviest and now when I look out at the garden, I can actually make out plant structures. Enough to decipher what it was that I actually planted.

I am thankful for rain, but more than anything, I am thankful that I went ahead and planted those seeds. The joy of growing our own food has not worn off. It's still a thrill to walk out back and pull a tiny onion out of the ground or to know that next week I won't have to buy salad greens. I can just step out and cut off enough lettuce for two. And I am not the only one that gains joy from this experience. Michael and the Cabbage both love going outside and checking the new growth. The Cabbage is less likely to eat any of it (I'm going to plant a cherry tomato plant back there soon...she eats those things like grapes), but she still gets a kick out of seeing the things growing up out of the garden. I'm thankful that I didn't give up on the garden at this home just yet. It may have started out as mine, but it has become ours.

As much as I'm thankful for the rain, I am thankful that it is dry today and expected to be dry tomorrow. Saturday is the Kansas City AIDS Walk. Last year it was rainy and chilly and I ended up with frozen soggy feet. This year I will wear better shoes. I am thankful that it will be dry. Again, I am so grateful to those of you who donated to the cause. You guys make my heart swell. So Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am thankful for Easter egg hunts and wisdom words from Father Terry. I am thankful for time spent on my mat and on the treadmill this week. I am always thankful for you. Here's to a lovely weekend and very very Thankful Friday!

LOVE THURSDAY OR THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael and I have been two ships passing in the night lately. There was the weekend before last when I went out of town without him and then last weekend he was out of town without me. During the week there have been after school meetings and baseball practice and baseball games. Last night was a double header and Michael didn't get home until after eight. We had about half an hour to recap our days to each other before Michael put me to bed. He always tucks me in. I'm not even sure how we started this. It's not like I'm the type of gal that needs to be doted on, but there's something to this nightly ritual we have developed. Last night Michael looked at me and said "I just want to thank you for being you. At least you are authentic in your weirdness." This almost sounds like an insult, but I know that his meaning is love. He had just spent the weekend with a various bunch of people. One woman never stopped talking and blessed her room with candles and crystals. He said she was weird for the sake of a show. Attention grabber. But, I also know that he thinks I'm a complete weirdo. I am part science nerd girl and hippy. I understand the microbiology behind viruses and infections and believe in the holistic healing power of Ayurveda and yoga. I will read total trashy silly fiction and follow it up with a classic Jane Eyre or Austin. I have been known to break out in show tunes and sing out my answers to questions. I think you should eat fresh fruit every day and that many foods from cans and boxes are poison. I believe in evolution and a higher power God like figure. I write more words than I speak. Do these things make me a weird? I don't think so. I think that's because I've surrounded myself with people that live their lives as authentically weird as I do. We just see ourselves as "normal". The truth is, just like there's no such thing as perfect, there's no such thing as normal. We are all weird in our own way. I think "weird" is what we've turned to to describe something different than what we're used to.

We hear a lot of talk about being our authentic selves. Honestly, I've never really thought about it until Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection and that only made me aware of the times I hadn't been my authentic self. There have been two times in my life where I have not lived as my authentic self. It should be of no surprise that one of those times was during my high school years when I tried a little too desperately to fit in with some crowd, any crowd really. Bits of my authentic self often leaked out and got me into trouble (I got hate mail once from my church youth group). The other time was after graduate school. I'm not really sure what was happening then. That transition from being in school (since kindergarten) to grown up land threw me. I struggled with finding myself and my footing again. Both of those times I can tell you that I was miserable. It doesn't feel good to live an unauthentic life. It's hard. Like physically demanding kind of hard. Being your authentic self is easy. Oh my God, it's so easy!

I was slightly thrown by Michael's compliment. It just seems so natural to be my authentically weird self, but what he was really thanking me for was being authentic. It was good of him to remind me that this is something we should appreciate more. It dawned on me that not all of us have had the luxury of being around and with people who allow us to be our authentic selves with out judgement. I don't think people realize this but authenticity is kind of like learning to ride a bicycle. There's really no way to tell someone how to ride a bicycle that first time. It's a feeling and a motion you have to just figure out on your own, but when you do get it, you're a bike riding fiend. You can ride all over town and back. There may be a few tumbles here and there, but from the moment you figure out how to pedal and balance that bike, you never forget it. Every time you get back on a bicycle, you know exactly what to do.

I started this post for my Love Thursday entry, but realized about half way through that it really falls under a Thankful Friday category. I'm thankful that I've, for the most part, been able to easily be my authentic self. I'm thankful for the people in my life that allow this of me with out judgement. I am thankful for the wisdom to not give a shit about those who do judge it. Really...that's the best part of it. The most freeing part. So, here's to being our authentically weird selves. We're pretty awesome. Happy Love Thursday and a fabulous Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I took Monday off from work in order to catch up on sleep and laundry. I don't know if missing a Monday has had anything to do with it, but the week has felt tilted. Maybe tilted is the wrong description. This week has felt like waiting at the bus stop for a bus that may or may not be coming. The bus stop is the fancy tribute to BB King one on 75th and Troost (the building is made to look like a piano, no lie). While the bus stop can be an interesting place (the people watching is awesome), you are still waiting. I am not actually hanging out at a bus stop, but my dreams have been very much like crazy people watching. The other night I dreamed that I stepped on broken glass with bare feet. I spent a large portion of time in that dream carefully picking tiny shards of glass out of my foot. I can assure you that as awful as it is for you to hear about that dream, it was worse being in that dream. Then I dreamed that I was standing in snow waiting for Chris's brother and his wife to bring the Cabbage home. They had taken her on some outing and they arrived at my house with the Cabbage asleep in her car seat. I just remember carefully pulling the Cabbage out of her seat and feeling the weight of her head on my shoulder as I lifted her up and carried inside. The rest of the dreams from this week are a blur of nonsensical images. When I'm not dreaming of broken glass or a sleeping Cabbage, I am spending brain power thinking about scrubbing baseboards and mopping floors. Michael has a thing this weekend that takes him out of the city. This means that I will have the whole weekend by myself, the first since Michael and the Cabbage have entered my life. Apparently my dream weekend alone involves brooms and mops, but yes...I have actually been fantasizing about cleaning products. I am excited with the prospect of buying a new mop. I watched various YouTube videos this morning on cleaning tile grout. I have Spring cleaning fever mixed together with I just need to be in my home fever. I'm not to thrilled with spending another weekend apart, but I'm thankful that I know I will use this time to my advantage. Michael always says that I make him feel guilty when I'm cleaning. I'm not sure he believes me when I say "but, I LIKE cleaning!". I do! I pointed at a commercial for a Bissel floor mop last night and Michael didn't even have to glance at it before he said "no". There's just something soothing about the act of cleaning and the joy of trapping yourself on the living room couch because you mopped yourself into that corner (I save mopping for last). I'm already scheming in my head about how much I can get done Friday after work. Hello. My name is Cindy and I might suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I just think of it as a hobby. Some people like to play golf or build model trains. I like to scrub mildewy grout with a toothbrush. Did I mention I'm buying a new mop?!

Honestly, I'm thankful that Michael will not be here this weekend while I clean. I tend to edit myself cleaning wise when he's around. I don't mean to make him feel bad, at least that is not my intention when I clean. I'm cleaning because I want to and like to clean (not because you may or may not be a messy person). I'm thankful for a new mop. I'm thankful for the new cleaning supplies. I'm also thankful for the massage I've booked for myself Saturday afternoon. Really, I'm thankful for an opportunity to set things back to normal or my normal.

I am grateful for many things today. I am thankful for all of you who have gone out and supported my AIDS Walk page. I have more to say on that next week, but I'm looking forward to printing and mailing out some photos. You guys are awesome! I am thankful for beautiful Spring weather, mushroom quesadillas, and quiet evenings. And I am forever thankful for you guys. Here's to a squeaky clean weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Monday, after the news of John's passing, I began the process of figuring out what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to be at his celebration of life. I knew that if Chris were still here, it would be important to him to be there. I had planned to go visit Dad next weekend, but I wouldn't be able to afford two trips this month. Then there was Michael and the Cabbage. This is a Cabbage weekend. I was supposed to watch her Saturday evening while Michael poured wine at a wine walk. But I also remember how everyone dropped what they were doing when Chris died. It wouldn't be right to not be there and help out in some way. By the time I made it to my yoga mat that evening, my brain was full and I was so anxious that I had to repeat to myself "I will be present on my mat" over and over during my practice. When five minutes had passed on my fifteen minute savasana, I gave up and headed to the kitchen to start dinner. Michael was home by then and asked me about my mat time. I told him that I was too anxious to have had a decent practice and I told him about John and Saturday. He didn't hesitate to say "go", but I was still unsure. I said "what about this weekend? the wine walk? Who is going to watch the Cabbage?". I told him I thought I was leaving him in the lurch. He looked at me and said "that's what you're worried about? No. Go and do what you need to do?" Just like that. No argument. No "I can't believe you want to go without me". Go. Do what you need to do. The relief of this and his words nearly broke me. I could see the honesty of his words in his eyes. He wasn't just saying the things I had hoped he'd say or wished or wanted. I don't know why I expected argument or disappointment or opposition. It's not so much that I expected those things as much as I worried about those things being a possibility during this conversation. I worry about unnecessary things.

It would be easy to say that I am thankful for his response or that I am grateful for his understanding in this situation. I am thankful for those things. But more than that, I am thankful that he is the type of man that would respond with understanding and kindness. More importantly, I am thankful to have found a partner who understands the sensitivity of these types of situations. I am also thankful that he knows how to calm my unnecessary worrying.(Side note: I just looked over at the calender and had a minor panic attack. I can already see the month of April whizzing by.) It's not that I would have settled for less. I would never settle. There is a difference in expecting sensitivity and understanding and being grateful for it. It's like when I tell Michael "thank you" for taking out the garbage or he thanks me for making dinner. These are chores that we would do any way. It just makes us feel better or appreciated when its' been acknowledged. When I say that I'm thankful for his understanding in this situation, I'm saying that I appreciate him.

I am thankful for scooter rides. I am grateful for thunderstorms and the rain that has caused things to sprout in the garden. I am thankful for days that do not require socks. I am grateful for the donations I've received this week to my AIDS Walk page. I am so thankful for all of you.

Here's to a weekend where we celebrate the lives of those we love and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

If you were to ask me what years were the happiest, I will always reply with the years I spent in undergrad. It's not just because that was where I met Chris. The time I spent in undergrad was the first time I was able to truly relax and be myself with out fear of judgment. I was introduced to a tribe of people who were welcoming and accepting. And for the first time in my life, I felt free or less encumbered by expectations. I really had no thoughts or worries about the future. I was not constantly planning ahead. I lived in the moment before I even knew what living in the moment really meant and I met some of the best people. I have a framed photograph on my bedroom wall of Misti, John, Kirk and Talaura. The picture was taken to be used as a prop in Twilight of the Golds, a play they were all doing together, along with Chris, at USAO. I don't know how I got that picture, how it happened to fall into my hands, but it's one of my favorite things. What I love about the picture is that it was taken as a family portrait representing the family they were portraying in the play, but it transcends to the family they represented to me. In college they were a group that I watched from the edge, not quite one of them. They were the "cool kids", the group you wanted to be a part of because they always looked like they were having a good time. It would be years before I would feel fully meshed into that family. My connections would be formed in different ways throughout the four of them and then time and distance would fray some of those connections kind of thin. There's just not enough time in the day to include everyone. I'm just as guilty as the next. We have grown up and into our very own version of The Big Chill.

In spite of the time and distance, I ideally like to still see us all as that kooky family. I'm thankful for that family and every one of those connections. Strong or frayed, each one has taught me something about life and love. I'm thankful for every laugh and every tear. I am thankful for the person they helped me to be. I am thankful for their support and encouragement. Some times I feel like smacking myself in the forehead because I can't get over how blessed I've been in friendship and what a terrible job I've done at returning the favor since Chris died. I'm truly sorry for that. But I'm pretty good with yarn. It's possible I can build something to strengthen those connections. At least, I'm thankful for the chance to try.

Here's to a blessed Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A few days before the start of Lent, we were all sitting around the lunch table at work, discussing our Lent intentions. When I said that I planned to get on my mat every single day, Richard pipped up and said that he had an idea that would help me do that. His idea was for me to teach him yoga. I said "yes" even though my insides were saying "NO!". It had been so long since I'd taught a yoga class that I was beginning to think that the "yoga teacher" part of my resume was just a phase I'd gone through. At first when I greed I also added the stipulation that wouldn't really teach as much as just share my practice with him. But then I started thinking about his tennis practice and the whole sharing my practice thing turned into an actual "I NEED to teach you toga". Then I started to grow a little anxiety tree because I hadn't taught a class in so long. I feel like the first two classes really reflected this and by the third class I still didn't really feel like I'd gotten my teaching legs back. By the end of the fourth class, something changed. A shift in the alignment or focus. Something. I left class that day with that feeling that I had almost forgotten about. This is where I get all wackadoozle on you and drift into the lulu side of yoga. There is an experience that people who have reached an enlightened state during their yoga or meditation practice they describe as being filled with light and unbelievable joy. Those descriptions are not unlike the feeling that I would get while teaching. Thursday, as Richard and I walked back from class, that somewhat enlightened feeling came over me and I could feel that joy creep up and onto my face. So today, not only am I thankful to have the feeling back, I am also thankful to Richard for nudging me back into teaching. I still have very little desire to find a paid teaching gig and Richard really is the ideal student. He has zero previous yoga experience and no previous conceived ideas about alignment. He also asks questions during class about this or that so there are times when I really feel like I am teaching. It's just good.

Thursday was a good day. First day of Spring. Weather that allowed for the scooter. New glasses (I'm not to thrilled with this, but happy to be able to see). Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Kansas City came by and picked up boxes of crap from the basement. Michael has been off this week for Spring Break and every day I've come home to some new task he's accomplished. Things I didn't even ask him to do! Simply put, I am grateful. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday.