THANKFUL FRIDAY

Gifts. Thank you @mistikae

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I am going to make a confession that Michael doesn’t even know about. After every grocery shopping trip, when I have everything loaded in the car and I’m sitting in the driver’s seat, I take off my mask, rest my head on the steering wheel and cry. I know. It sounds dramatic and depressing. I am not crying over the trauma of grocery shopping. I am not fearful of contracting COVID-19. I take it seriously, but it does not strike a cord of terror in me like it has for others. I am crying because I am mourning a way of life. I cry for the way things used to be. I cry because grocery shopping has become an actual chore. I also cry over the good parts, the way everyone is so respectful of each other’s space. I cry over the grocery workers who I know are exhausted, but still manage to greet each person with a cheerful ‘hello’. I cry over how polite we have become to each other, the patience we have with each other as we shop for the things we need while maintaining our distance. I also cry for this moment I am alone in my car.

And I am grateful for those tears.

While I miss things like going to the office everyday and my Saturday morning grocery experience and being able to sit in the same room with friends and family, I feel like I am settling into this new routine. I spend Mondays and Tuesdays in Python class and coding my assignments. Wednesdays are spent watching an Illustrator tutorial on figure preparation for journal submission and reading the manual for the electron microscopy image processing software. Thursdays have become grocery and cleaning days and Fridays are lab meeting, reading the paper for the next Journal Club meeting and Friday Science seminar. Then there are slots of time between all of those things for me. Every morning around 9:00 AM, Josephine pats me on my leg while I work at the computer. That’s her way of saying that it is time for her walk and I take her on an exploration of the neighborhood. I still take a moment every Monday for my Buddha Board project and once a week, I mine the tarot cards for writing some short fiction. Then there is that hour in the middle of the day when I roll out my yoga mat. My yoga practice has gotten hella strong. I do up to twenty to thirty rounds of sun salutations with warrior I and warrior II. I work on poses that I never really do because they’re too much of a challenge. The other day, I was in a wide leg forward fold with my forearms on the floor and I just spontaneously popped myself up into a head stand. Then I started laughing at myself and fell out of it, but when Michael came in I said “Hey! Watch what I can do!” and did it all over again.

So, I can take my moment to mourn. It’s really just a tiny slip of a moment that is growing smaller each week, and then I can resettle myself into this new routine, new life, and this new version of myself.

I am doing a fucking great job.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Instagram post by Cindy Maddera * Sep 12, 2019 at 3:24pm UTC

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Josephine had an appointment at the groomer’s for 9 AM yesterday. At the very last minute, I decided to be late to work. My intention had been to get to work at my usual time, then rush home and gather the dog. Then I would drop her off at the groomer’s and head back to work. I suddenly realized just how stupid that was since the groomer’s is on the way to work. It’s just down the street actually. I could easily walk there from work. So I paused as I gathered my keys and bag and thought “what if I’m just late to work today?” What would happen if I disrupted my normal routine? Well, considering how this week has gone in general, there is no normal routine. For sure the world didn’t fall apart any more than it already has.

I talk a lot here about disruption of routines and how it usually has a negative affect on my mental stability (or lack of stability). I tend to say something about how the lack of routine makes me grateful for my routine. Sure, all of that is true. But for some reason, this time around, I started thinking a little bit differently about disrupting my normal routine. Every time I went to BlogHer, I would always seek out the photography sessions. I don’t remember what year it was or who said it, but in one of those panel sessions someone said to take pictures from different angles. This person talked about getting down on the ground or climbing up high, whatever it took to get a different view of the subject. I took this advice to heart. It is not uncommon to see me crawling on the ground or climbing up onto things I should not be climbing when I am in photographer mode. I will dangle myself out the window of moving cars (that’s Michael’s favorite thing….he just loves that so dang much). I will perch on the very edge of a cliff (that’s another one Micheal’s favorite things). Basically, I will dirty up the knees of my pants, put grass stains on the elbows on my sleeves, and put my life in danger for a photo.

I think this technique has served me well.

This is what I was thinking about today in regards to yesterday’s change in routine. It wasn’t necessarily a disruption, but more of a different angle. I should be treating my daily life in the same way I treat my photography endeavors. Changing the usual routine gives a different perspective on that routine. I can see what part of that routine is serving me best and what parts of it I just do out habit. So instead of being grateful for my usual routine, today I am grateful for the insight to look at the usual routine from a different perspective (and adjust accordingly).

And just because I need to brag about my dog: I picked Josephine up from our groomer, who went on and on about what a good little girl Josephine is. Apparently Schnauzer’s have a bad reputation among groomers, but Josephine is a dream. The groomer’s words. “Josephine is a dream.”

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Light and dark

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Every week, at the end of the yoga class that I teach at the Y, I tell my students to take a moment to have gratitude for themselves and their devotion to their mats. I mean, one doesn’t just magically appear in a yoga class. There’s getting dressing in proper bending clothes. Right now, temperatures here are freezing. So there’s multiple layers of coats, gloves and scarves that have to be pulled on. There’s driving to the studio or gym. Then all of those layers have to be pulled off. The truth is, the easy thing to do is to stay home, wrapped up in a blanket with a mug of cream of tomato soup. Except the students in my class did not do the easy thing. There is something to be said about being grateful for making the effort. There is something to be said for taking a moment to pat yourself on the back and say “good job! look at you doing something good for your body!”

I am quick to forget to take a moment to have gratitude for myself.

Recently, I overheard a guy say that his goal for the year was to show up. He said this while in an exercise class and was referring to just showing up to class, but I thought his goal is a really great one in general. What if we all made a goal to just show up? Over the last two weeks, my time in the gym or even on my mat has been sketchy and inconsistent. I have taught my Wednesday night yoga classes and I have attended a class or two. I have gotten on the elliptical once and the bike once, but that has been it. I am used to doing at least thirty minutes of cardio five days a week. Wednesday I jumped right back in where I’d left off and Thursday morning, my body struggled to get out of bed. The alarm went off and I toyed with the idea of staying put. My throat was itchy and I was slightly congested. I could have easily made the argument that I didn’t feel well even though I knew a hot shower and my Neti pot would get rid of the congestion. Then Josephine jumped off the bed and scratched at the door to be let out, so I got up. I got up. I participated. I got back into my routine. I showed up. Then I patted myself on the back and said “good job! look at you doing something good for your body!” But I don’t just want to show up to the gym. I want to show up to life.

I’m going take that guy’s goal to just show up. Then I’m going to take a moment to be grateful to myself for just showing up.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Saturday morning, I went to brunch with Randy and Katrina at Kilkenny's. We had completely forgotten about the Cherry Street Farmers' Market that sets up in that area every summer Saturday. They close off a block of that street for the market, basically right in front of Kilkenny's. We got to the road closed signs and said "The Farmers Market!!!!" all at the same time. I refrained from buying any thing except for the most ridiculous, yet super comfortable pants ( I mean they are really silly looking pants), but I wanted to buy all of the vegetables. 

I've been to the Farmers Market here one time this season and that was early in the growing season when everyone was selling all of the things I was already growing.  Seeing the booths on Saturday filled with tomatoes and corn and squash made me hungry for fresh corn polenta and roasted veggies. I could already smell the tomatoes, garlic, and rosemary slowly roasting, filling the house with delicious goodness. I vowed that I would make it to the market this weekend. I am thankful for the reminder that it's time to fill my freezer with bags of roasted tomatoes and fresh corn. 

This is has been a week for a return to some sort of a routine, at least as far as the regular day to day goes. Work, yoga, treadmill, good food. All of these things play a part in healing. It gives me a sense of normalcy that is greatly appreciated. The Farmers Market is also part of that because it's something I used to do regularly. I am particularly grateful for these grounding acts this week. Speaking of grounding things. A couple of you have asked about my yoga sleeping trick. I promise to sit down next week and write it all up for you. I cannot promise it will work, but I can promise it will help. 

Here's to a beautiful aromatic weekend and a super Thankful Friday!