WHO'S THAT GIRL

Our friends, Jenn and Wade, installed a small above-ground pool in their backyard and Friday night was the inaugural pool party. It was a perfectly simple affair, small and intimate. There were five of us in total and two of those were the men we put to work grilling our dinner. Lauren, Jenn and I made the most spectacular whirlpool and then we just floated in circles chatting about all things and no things. Eventually, we made our way to the screened in back porch. I had slathered Jenn’s magic mosquito repelling essential oil lotion on my legs and I mentioned to Lauren, who was sitting next to me, that I couldn’t seem to stop touching my legs after putting that lotion all over them. Then she said “Now say it sultry.” and I opened my mouth to comply, but nothing came out but bubbles of laughter. Then we all proceeded to laugh for a good number of minutes.

I could never pull myself together enough to “say it sultry”.

Later, when it was just Michael and I, he said “You once told me that Chris said your laugh was infectious. I think that I finally heard the infectious laugh tonight.” We’ve been together for twelve years. It feels impossible that in the last twelve years I have not truly laughed, but completely possible that I haven’t done so in his presence or while he was paying attention. I also don’t want to believe that I have not laughed my true infectious laugh since Chris. That possibility is disappointing and more than a bit sad. Without even realizing it, I went from “the girl who knew sadness” to “the girl who is sadness”. Or maybe just “the girl who doesn’t laugh.” I chuckle. I smile at things. I bark out a decent “ha!”. Rarely do I dissolve into the kind of laughing that leaves me breathless.

Those days have passed.

As we sat across the table from one another slurping noodles at one of our favorite Vietnamese places, I took a moment to tell Michael that I really do appreciate the effort he’s been making not just to get us to Paris in December, but in most things. It is his summer break time and he’s taken over all of the grocery shopping. There’s a wall of sticky notes containing tasks that he wants to complete in the summer months. He has been diligently removing those notes. Like every summer break, he has taken on the task of cooking our evening meals and not allowing me to wash the dishes. Though, sometimes I do it anyway. His goal is to make my summer as task free as possible and I let him know that this is appreciated. Then I said “I know that I have not been my best self this year.” but then I was a little surprised by his response. He said “I know that you’ve been really stressed about work.”

This also made me pause. Mostly, he’s not wrong. It’s just that my stress level around work is more complicated than the day to day of running microscopes that cost half a million dollars each and making sure that people feel safe and comfortable using those microscopes. The day to day stress of my job has been compounded by this administration’s war on science and their determination to make this country dumber. But I also know that I can’t blame my lack luster mood solely on what it means for me and my science friends when the budget cuts to the NIH mean less grant money and fewer scientific discoveries. My lack luster mood is more of a layered bean dip and the spiciest layer is probably a result of my changing body. This is the layer that people eat around. The result is that this layer sticks around longer and ferments in spice, just making things hotter…angrier. I tell Michael that I’m trying, but I’m not convinced. Though, in that moment on a porch with friends, I caught a glimpse of “the girl who knew sadness”.

Years ago, there were almost zero fireflies in my backyard. I can remember lamenting over their absence. “What ever happened to fireflies?” I’d ask. Then when I finally saw the blink of light from one, I clapped my hands and squealed like a toddler. I’ve watched each summer as the population of fireflies has increased and it feels like my backyard is nothing but blinking insects. Those glimpses of the girl I used to be, the one who wasn’t sad all the time, are like those fireflies. It might be a rare sighting in this moment. I’m sure that in time, those sightings won’t be so rare. Okay. Maybe I’m not sure, but I know that this is something I want and need. Which is funny because that’s kind of been my shopping mantra lately. I tend to me more likely to say yes to something I want and need or finding a way to get those things.

This time, when I say “I’m trying”, I really truly mean it.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This is what is currently happening behind me while I'm starting my first day of Python class.

10 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "This is what is currently happening behind me while I'm starting my first day of Python class."

Well, it is day four of me working from home and I am happy to say that I am settling into a routine. Meditation happens every day. Yoga happens every day. I shower and put on a bra every day. Twenty minutes of some sort of cardio/strength exercises happen twice a week. I spend my mornings in a Python coding class. Then I take a break for lunch. Some people from work meet after lunch to watch some tutorials on electron microscopy. There is another meet-up in the afternoon to see what everyone else in the group is up to and then the whole family goes for a walk. The Cabbage chooses a game for us to play after dinner and then it is close to bedtime. I read some before getting ready for bed and then I get up and do it all again the next day.

There has been surprisingly little TV. In fact Michael and I are kind of behind on some of our shows. I also thought I would be spending more time writing or cleaning or re-organizing, but I haven’t done much of any of those things. I am surprised how I have managed to fill up my time. I think about this weekend and how that will be my time to do some chores and watch TV. I will sleep past 5:30 AM and maybe not wear a bra. Maybe I will spruce up the backyard and create some sort of hangout space. My Saturday is wide open. We have food and no place to go. I was worried that my weekdays would blend into my weekends and that I would start to lose track of time. Work/life boundaries would become blurred. So far, this has not happened. If anything, this experiment in social distancing is causing me to rethink my concept of time and how I choose to organize myself in those minutes.

Of course, I know this is only week one and as the days and weeks progress it will get more difficult to maintain boundaries, to take that shower after meditation, to put that bra on. I am not dwelling on the days and weeks to come. I am focusing on right now. One of Michael’s co-workers gave everyone an assignment this week to come up with a mantra to get them through this time. He loved it so much that he made the Cabbage and I participate. I keep hearing people say “this is the new normal” or “welcome to the new normal” and these words resonated in me. Normal seems to me to be one of those things that you make of it. So I typed up these words and placed them on a photo I had taken earlier in the week: Stop calling this the NEW normal; Just make it your normal; We’re still breathing, working, laughing; The environment just looks a little bit different.

This is my normal.

This morning, after my yoga practice, I stood at the stove waiting for the kettle of water to boil. I thought about how I could do this part of my morning every day. I could get up every week day and do a yoga practice before meditation. It would mean adjusting and tweaking a schedule here and there. I might have to make sure Michael gets up and into the shower before I sit down for meditation. I would get to work about twenty minutes later, but I would just stay twenty minutes later. This ‘stay at home’ practice may be a bit of a challenge but it is giving me opportunities to experiment with my schedule. I am finding out that there are parts of the way I was doing things before that could use some tweaking and adjusting.

It is kind of like taking that horrible tasting medicine. You don’t want to. In fact, it is so gross, it makes you gag, but you take it. You do it because it is good for you and it is going to make you better.