THANKFUL FRIDAY

The temperatures dropped over night here. One day it was seventy eight degrees and the next day the high was forty six. Then it snowed. Then temperatures dropped to freezing and kids had to bundle up for trick or treating. There’s a whole list of complaints that I could make about it. I definitely did/do not feel ready for freezing temperatures, but to be fair I’m never ready for it.

A big factor in how seasons are determined is the maximum intensity of sunlight in a given area. That intensity changes as the Earth makes it’s way around the sun because of the Earth’s axis tilt. Really digging in to understanding the physics of all of this makes me want to puke and is the reason I am not an Earth scientist or physicist. I much prefer the biology of super tiny things, but my understanding of the very basic physics behind the seasons is how I know what times of the year produce the best rainbows from the glass on my cubicle.

We are creeping into peak rainbow season here in my office.

This week, the most perfect rainbow was projected onto the wall by desk. It was a textbook example of what we would use to teach people about wavelengths and colors. Okay…some physics has rubbed off on me. I can’t do my job in microscopy without some knowledge of how light, excitation and emission wavelengths work. Even though I know how it works, I am still blown away when it happens on my wall or even in the sky because I know how precise the conditions have to be in order to make a rainbow. With outside rainbows that happen after rain, you are lucky to see four distinct colors. Often, one color dominates the others. This happens with the sun and glass on my cubicle too. The rainbow will be more blue, yellow and green and faint. As the season changes into late Fall and early Winter, those colors even out and get brighter. Then comes the days when that rainbow contains the whole roygbiv of colors and it is bright and vibrant.

And it lasts for about five minutes.

I took my picture and then answered an email. Five minutes later I looked at the wall and the rainbow had faded to hints of color. It does not just require the right angle of light and reflective source, but it requires the right time of day. You have to be standing at my desk at precisely 8:19 AM because by 8:24 AM, the rainbow is mostly gone. There’s something miraculous in all of this, that it happens at all, that light is white until we bounce it through different refractive indexes and surfaces. Knowing the science behind the how and why light does this doesn’t diminish the amazement and joy I feel whenever I encounter a rainbow happening.

In fact, I think that knowing the science behind it and how everything has to be perfectly aligned to make a rainbow happen, makes the experience of seeing one an awe inspiring event every time.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

A long time ago, at a blogging conference, I went to a panel discussion on bullying and the internet. I was not being bullied online or receiving ugly comments with every post. I went to this discussion because I followed the women who were on the panel and I thought, still feel, they are the bees knees. I wanted to hear what they had to say about dealing with a constant barrage of hatefulness. There was one woman on the panel that I didn’t know, someone I now follow on instagram. Shauna Ahern is “a writer, teacher, inciter of joy.” Those are her words, but they’re true. This woman is devoted to kindness. During the panel discussion she shared stories of the hate mail/comments she received on a regular basis and the things people would write to her shocked me. I was absolutely floored by the amount of hatefulness.

Michael and I were watching a re-run of Saturday Night Live recently. The musical guest was Coldplay, a band I happen to love. Michael said something about it and I told him this: Snow Patrol and Coldplay started around the same time. They have similar sounds and I love them both. Snow Patrol tends to be heavier, with lyrics that stab me in the heart. Coldplay is light and more spiritual. Coldplay feels like the good parts of church. So Michael sat with me and listened and then he said “Oh…oh…I think I get it.” Then he asked why was it that so many people hated on Coldplay. It’s true. It’s not just a criticism of the music, there’s people that put out some serious hatefulness to all that is this band.

My answer for Michael was simple. It is because it is something good. The same reason why people send out hatefulness to bloggers who spread kindness and light. I don’t know what makes a person inherently hateful. It could be a thousand reasons, but I suspect all of the reasons lead back their own self. Seeing other’s joy and light makes a hater feel inadequate because they can’t see their own goodness. They lack joy in their own lives. They lack the ability to find comfort in their own true selves and they lash out at those who are brave enough to be true to themselves. It is a human trait that has been with us since the beginning of societal groups.

The choice to remain a person that continues to look for the light and share joy can at times be exhausting. Sometimes it feels like you are the underdog in this fight, that there is no way you are ever going to win.

Gratitude is what makes optimism sustainable. - Michael J. Fox

Everyone loves an underdog story.

I know that Shauna Ahern has a gratitude practice and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the members of Coldplay also have their own gratitude practice. In every interview I’ve seen of Chris Martin, he has shown genuine gratitude to his fans. Gratitude really does seem to be the key to maintaining optimism. I am grateful for those who inspire me to keep up this fight against hatefulness. I am grateful for those who remind to look for the light, seek out the joy, and be brave enough to be my true self. This gratitude gives me the strength to see straight through the bullshit for the good that is on the other side.

There is always going to be this war but every time I find myself on the other side of that bullshit, I am winning.

THE LIFE I WANT

As predicted, the weekend was everything that was needed. There was talking, listening, laughter, tears, more laughter, new games, a drunk trip to Walmart where I purchased a stuffed, fluffy chicken and some food. It was everything we needed and we made promises to do it again next year. On Sunday morning, Deborah made us breakfast and we ate our last meal together. Then we packed up our cars, but before we headed out in opposite directions, we squeezed each other tight. I told Amy that I would come down for her graduation (she’s been working sooooo hard towards a Masters in Library Sciences). I told Deborah that she’s going to get into grad school (she wants to go into speech pathology and taking classes to make that happen). We drove away from each other, still waving and grinning.

Then our weekend together was over.

I decided to take a different way home when I left Wichita. I chose a country highway instead of the turnpike even though it was not the fastest route. I have been using the weather as an excuse for being uninspired and unmotivated in getting out my camera. The weather is part of the problem, but not the whole of the problem. I thought that by taking a slower road, I would be less hesitant to stop when I saw something interesting. The first impulsive stop was for a windmill in a field of wind turbines. The concept of impulsive stops was too new to me and I rushed myself. The second stop took me down a gravel road to an old school house. The school house, while isolated and alone was at least kept mowed so that you could walk around the school. The building, itself was boarded up though. The field it sat in was quite except for the chattering of birds that I could not see. I spent more time here, listening to birds and judging the angel of the light. Eventually, I returned to my car feeling lighter and satisfied with what I had just done.

I made one more stop before I hit Emporia, a place called Cottonwood Falls with wobbly brick streets. I took some pictures of the old courthouse and then spent too long in search of an owl that I kept hearing. I found myself well off of main street before turning back and driving on to Emporia. That feeling of satisfaction stayed with me the rest of the day. I stopped to go through the Burger King drive thru in Emporia. Michael’s put Burger King on the banned list because they always get his order wrong. I had low expectations when I ordered my impossible whopper. The teenager working the window handed over my order and I found a piping hot sandwich that looked exactly like the picture with crisp lettuce and onions. It was the most perfect Impossible Whopper I had ever seen.

It felt like a reward.

The next day over breakfast, I told Michael about how good that drive felt and that I wanted more. He said that he was always willing to stop if I wanted and I winced. There have been a number of times when I have asked to stop and Michael’s response has had a tone of inconvenience to it. It happened enough times, that I have stopped asking. It wasn’t easy, but I told him this and I told him that I was no longer going to allow this to happen. I am going to ask to stop and I will no longer let him make me feel like I am inconveniencing him with my request. It was not an easy conversation to have, mostly because he didn’t realize he’d been speaking in a way that would make me not ask for something I want.

Effectively communicating wants and needs is difficult.

I devised a plan to ease into the asking by scheduling us on an evening trip up to a wildlife preserve just north of St. Joseph. It was surprisingly simple. I sent a link to the preserve along with a date and time I want to be there. It has been reported that the preserve is currently filled up with snow geese and I want to see them, photograph them. I received an immediate response of ‘yes’ and then we made dinner plans in St. Joseph. I find that I am excited and looking forward to doing something other than our usual Saturday evening thing of couch potato soaked in gin and tonic, but I also learned to stop caring about the reaction I might get to an ask. Because I want more of those lighter and satisfied feelings.

I am learning to ask for the life that I want.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When I lived under my parents’ roof, we went to church. Both parents were devout Baptists and going to church meant twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays. Even though I was developing my own views on faith and drifting away from the restrictions and hypocrisy I witnessed within the church, I continued to attend service out of respect for my parents. There was one time a year, though, where I truly enjoyed going to church and that was always for the candlelight service on Christmas Eve. Everyone in the congregation would get their own little candle and then starting at one end of each pew, a candle would be light. That person would then light the candle of the person next to them and so on and so on until all the candles in the congregation were lit. As we lit the candle of our neighbor, we said “I pass to you the light of peace and understanding.” Once all of the candles were lit, we would sing hymns of joy and peace.

It was beautiful.

During our first Christmas together, as Michael and I were driving to pick up the Cabbage for Christmas, we heard a story on NPR about lighting the menorah. Michael said that we should celebrate Hanukkah. I heartily agreed and we went on wild hunt for a menorah. We’ve been celebrating Hanukkah ever since. This year, since the first night started on Sunday, we had time to really prepare a nice meal of latkes topped with caviar and roasted salmon. Every night this week, with out prompting or reminders, we’ve lit our menorah. Michael lights the candles while I say the prayers. My favorite section is always “Blessed are you, Our God, Ruler of the Universe, for giving us life, for sustaining us, and enabling us to reach this season.” My second favorite part is when we stand for a moment after the prayer is said and the candles are lit and just watch the flames flickering.

The words behind lighting the candles in both instances is the part that I want to honor and celebrate. On one hand, you are taking a moment to have gratitude for just being here to celebrate anything. On the other hand, you are sharing your light with others. Lucia comes from the latin word lux. Names adapted from Lucia include Lucy, Luciana and Lucinda. Elena comes from the Greek Helene, meaning torch or light. My name is Lucinda Elena. I am literally named for the thing I am always searching for, the thing I am always celebrating.

Light.

Thank you for traveling with my through this year. I pass to you my light of peace.

WAFFLES

The landscape between home and the Cabbage’s school is blanketed with trees. When I drove out there last week to take them to the dentist, the sky was overcast and there was a light rain hitting my windshield. The temperature was somewhere between cool and warm. I looked out at the usual sea of green and started to notice hints of yellows and golds. I was not pleased. Later, I was talking about this to coworkers when of them suggested that some of our yellows and golds could be due to drought. That was only mildly reassuring because I looked at the calendar and September is not far from being at its end. Tomorrow is officially the first day of Fall. A cold front is moving in this evening to kick things off.

As always, I am not ready.

September is hard. I want Summer to last forever. I want heat and sun and popsicles and endless scooter riding days. This week, when I have walked into the office in the mornings, I have noticed a shift in the light. It is the beginning of rainbow season, the time of year that the angle of the sun produces rainbows on our walls as it bounces off the edge of our glass cubicles. I remember now that I love rainbow season and I’m always taking pictures of my desk toys with rainbows, me with rainbows coming out of my ears. The changing leaves really are spectacular here. The reds and oranges in particular. They have a way of catching the light so that they appear as flames. Eleven years here and I’m still stunned and amazed, pointing out their spectacular beauty during every car ride, pulling over to take more pictures. And I like decorating for Halloween. Googly eyes on pumpkins are hilarious.

Transitions between seasons is a kind of death. There is a mourning period for what must be lost or sacrificed in order to move on to the next season. As Spring moves into Summer, I mourn the loss of the tulips and the new bursts of color while I welcome the heat, the lightening bugs and the buzzy sounds of that season. I find myself mourning the loss of those things now as we move into Fall and as Fall moves into Winter, I will mourn the loss of color. Winter is a full season of mourning for me. This is why I grasp so firmly to last days of Summer and resist the move into chillier weather.

I know what is coming.

I rode my scooter to work today, probably the last time this year without the need of a jacket. Michael told me that it was going to rain today, but I took a chance and rode the scooter anyway. Weather predictions say that the rain is not expected until this evening. I am willing to take this risk because I don’t know how many scooter days are even left for this year. So I’m soaking up as much joy and heat while I still can.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

For the longest time, I’m talking like for way too long of time, I thought it was “Fall forward and Spring back.” I was a pretend grownup before anyone corrected me on this, that it is actually “Fall back, Spring forward”. Falling forward made perfect sense to me. When people lock their knees while standing, they tend fall flat on their faces, meaning they fall forward. Springs can go whatever direction. Why not backwards? I also come from a line of clumsy people who did and do not fall down stairs as often as they tend to fall up stairs. We trip on the way up a flight of steps, thus falling forward in the process. So you can see that falling forward and springing back in time makes perfect sense.

I have a love/hate relationship with the concept of Daylight Savings. I understand that the whole idea behind it was to align hours of awake time to hours of actual daylight. The thing is, I’m up at 5:15 every morning and after a thirty minute online exercise class, I’m walking the dog a little before 6:00 AM. For a while now, the daylight hours have been nonexistent at these times. In fact it is not until I am back from the walk, showered and headed to work before the sun starts making an appearance. Yes, walking the dog in the dark kind of sucked. Opening the chicken coop while it was still dark was sad because the chickens just stayed in bed, but I’d get home and there would be light. I’d make dinner and there would still be light. I’d do another task and it would still be light. The thing is, I would be motivated to do things when I got home.

This week my motivation has been just to make it home. The end.

Daylight Savings time has never been much of a problem for me, but this year it seems that my body is reacting a little differently. I now wake up at 4:00 AM. I still go to bed at the same time, but I’m losing an hour of sleep. My house is filthy by my standards and every evening I thought I would do one thing to lessen the filth. I have six houseplant pots and only one of them contains a healthy green living plant. All the other planters hold dirt and death and that’s a bit depressing. Every night this week, I’ve told myself to get up and start dumping out the dead. Every night this week, by the time dinner has been made and consumed, I’ve ended up doing nothing. I’m tired. I decided to take the whole day off today so that I could do those things that I’ve been too tired to do while waiting for the new couch to arrive. One of the things on the to do list is to take a nap.

But despite being tired, I have to admit that it has been really lovely watching the sunrise every morning this week while walking Josephine. Our walks start out less dark and end with a spectacular display of light and color. When I walk out to open the chicken coop, I can hear the chickens stirring and then I see them cautiously hop out to greet the new day. I know that with winter comes less and less daylight and I am reminded to soak up as much light as I can now while I can. That means dragging this body out of bed for morning dog walks.

I’m grateful for the light.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Bonnet

Each morning during my walk with Josephine, I take a moment to practice some flash photography. I am learning. I find it to be pleasantly challenging and humbling because I end up taking so many crap pictures. Sometimes I even post the crap pictures. It’s important to me to show the crap pictures. There is an honesty in showing them. This practice in making my own light is making a difference and not just with my photography. This was a dark week for me. I have been hearing stories from others. We are all struggling. We all suffer from pandemic fatigue and the added strain of keeping ourselves and our families healthy. I follow some pretty great women in social media and I have read their stories of stress. Everyone of them follow up with a reminder to find the goodness and joy in the day.

There was a schedule change this week and I ended up not going to the office on Thursday and Friday. I spent the first half of Thursday doing a thorough scrubbing of the house. I pulled down the curtains and threw them in the washer. Then I started in the kitchen, wiping down cabinets and walls. I moved to the bathroom where I crawled on the floor to clean behind the toilet. I dusted every surface of every room. I moved the couch and tackled cleaning the windows. There was about two inches of dirt on the window that I had been ignoring. Every winter you can feel cold air blowing in through these windows and we always end up sealing them up with that shrink wrap plastic stuff. I went through four rags and almost all of the multipurpose cleaner removing all of the dirt. I put new covers on the couch, swept, vacuumed and hung the clean curtains.

I woke up the next morning to a cold house and a stuffy nose. For a minute, I indulged in the idea of not walking the dog, but I rolled out of bed and bundled up. Josephine and I went on our walk and I had no intention of stopping for a photo. My fingers were numb with cold and I just wanted to get our walk done. But on our way home, I stopped at the house that grows all the dahlias every year. They’re still blooming, still bright and fluffy. They won’t be for much longer. Soon the man who grows them will dig them all up to be stored in his basement until next year. So I paused.

As I continued with my day, I noticed a little lift in the darkness. I took note of the actions I use to console myself. Putting the things I can control in order, soothes me. Pausing to admire the last of this season’s dahlias, brightens me. Working on a new skill, empowers me. All of these things make me stronger and lighter.

LOOK HARDER

It's still dark out when Josephine and I go for our morning walks now. It makes it harder to take pictures. Today I played around with using the flash.

The sun isn’t really up in the mornings when Josephine and I leave the house for our walk. It is not until we are almost back home, that there is a thin sliver of orange on the horizon. The darkness of the morning makes me uninspired to stop and take pictures. I am a devotee of Karen Walrond, who tells us to “look for the light” and so I am constantly looking in the direction of the sun. I never use the flash on my camera. I disdain the flash on a camera. Photos taken with a flash have a quality that does not appeal to me. Photos that I take with the flash are stark and feel like they are missing life, but this could also be because I never really learned how and when to use a flash. That might surprise some of you. I just set out from the beginning to use natural light mostly because I am lazy.

A number of famous photographers have used and use flash in their work, but the concept to use a flash or not to use the flash is a division line among photographers. Flash photography used for black and white photos can be striking and intense. I think it’s a great tool for bringing out the raw emotions of grief and anger. Flash photography has the ability to seem shockingly honest. The subject always appears to be caught, frozen in a moment. I know that all pictures are captured moments and tell stories. It’s just that flash photography tells a different kind of story. Possibly a darker, more sinister kind of story, but we like those kinds of stories sometimes. I realize how much I am limiting myself by not learning how and when to use my flash, particularly now that there is no sun during our morning walks.

I have yet to commit myself to sitting down for a traditional meditation each day, but I have found that my photography is its own form of meditation. It makes me more mindful of my surroundings as I scan for things interesting. It makes me present. Those morning walks have been a nice time for that practice. So I broke down this week and tried using the flash to take a picture. I picked out the best one for some minor editing and even the ‘best’ one made me cringe. I thought “I hate this.” but I posted it anyway. Then I opened the image up later on a bigger screen and thought “Wait…” Maybe I don’t hate that picture. I managed to make those black-eyed Susans less sunshiny and more Oregon fog. They have a haunted quality to them, but I think I like that. Then I started noticing things that I did not even see when I was editing and posting that photo. There’s a busy bumble bee in one of those flowers and a green beetle with black dots on its back hanging out on the petal of another flower. It is almost as if those two flew into the image later on after I posted it.

So I guess it is time for me to crack open some books and start playing around with the flash on my camera because sometimes magic happens when you use the flash. And sometimes, instead of looking for the light, you have to make the light. It’s time for me to make my own light.

LOVE THURSDAY

Shadows and light

"Shadows and light"

Since the weather has turned too cold to walk outside even while wearing my new coat, I take little walking loops through the building here at work. I have a system. I go up to the third floor, walk one wing over to a different stairwell and then up to the fourth flour. On the fourth floor, I walk two wings and then back down to the third floor to walk to a different stairwell that takes me to the second floor. I know. It all sounds pretty maze like. Stay with me. On the second floor, I walk three wings and over to a completely different stairwell. I take this stairwell down to the first floor and then walk the wing down to my office. It's not as long or as interesting as the inside walking route that Robin and I had mapped out across OMRF and the OUHSC Campus, but it it is a nice get-off-your-ass for ten minutes kind of walk. 

That route changes. Sometimes I turn left instead of right. It wasn't always as long. I used to just do the two wings on the fourth and second floor. I had figured out that this was about 1500 steps. I would do this three or four times a day and along with my treadmill time this would give me my goal steps for the day. I added in the extra steps when it got too cold to do the loop outside. At first I was grumbly about it. People would see me just walking around randomly. I probably look really goofy too with my giant headphones on my head. Then things started to change. There were people I'd say hello or good morning to. There were labs I started to get more familiar with and the best discovery has been the unexpected pockets of light I have discovered. At certain times of the day, sunlight streams in through the various windows forming shadows and patterns that are spectacular and they are constantly changing. One morning I turned the corner to see a giant eye reflected on the wall. An hour later it was gone. 

Every photography book I've ever picked up has preached the importance of light and most specifically, the importance of natural light. Karen Walrond from Chookooloonks is always telling us to "LOOK FOR THE LIGHT!" and I thought that this was something I usually tried to do. When my camera is in front of my face. I've been trained that the minute I put that camera view finder up to my eyeball to look for the light. It's just that now I realize that I have started to look for the light, camera or no camera. I think we all understand the healing effect sunlight has on our souls. So I encourage you today on this Love Thursday to seek out a spot of light and maybe stand in the middle of it for a minute of two. 

Happy Love Thursday!