THE PREGNANCY WAR

Usually, I’m working on a Thankful Friday post right about now, but instead I’m writing about a conversation that has been rolling around in my head all week. It was a conversation about pregnancy. The person I was talking to was telling me about a new coworker. They said they really liked this person, felt she was a great choice for the job, but she’s pregnant and didn’t disclose this information during her interview. The person then said “I think that’s very unethical of her.” Here’s where I stepped in to defend this new coworker. The unethical part of all of this is not the part where the woman did not disclose her pregnancy. The unethical part comes from the corporate society that has lead to a woman not being able to disclose a pregnancy for fear of not getting the job.

The person I was talking with then said “So, I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness and given six months to a year to live. Do I disclose that information if I’m applying for a job?” I feel I deserve a cookie for not saying the actual words I was thinking, which were along the line of “No, Drama Queen, and you’ve just linked pregnancy to a terminal illness. Don’t be obtuse.” This is an apple and oranges comparison, but still I think your current state of health is nobody’s business but your own. Also, you have no idea the amount of good work you could do in the span of six months, let alone a year. It is about investing in the person who is right, qualified and talented, for the job. Everything is temporary.

The New York Times published an article this week about the sad amount of money the U.S. spends on child care and early child development compared to other countries. The average amount other countries spend on child care is around $14,000 a year for a toddler, while the U.S. spends only about $500 or even less. Most families get about $200 in a once a year tax credit for children under two. Any one who is a parent knows that childcare is expensive. My friend Robin once told me that after her second child was born, her and her husband talked about her leaving work to be a stay at home mom. It turned out that her keeping her job, even while paying for two babies in childcare, provided the family with just enough money to keep them from sinking further into debt. So while most of her paycheck went to pay for childcare, the rest of it paid the light bill. Now imagine a single parent family with a mother who has a minimum wage job. Actually, she probably has more than one minimum wage job because that’s the only thing she can do to pay for the roof over her kids head’s.

This is bullshit. But wait…I’m going to give some more bullshit numbers.

The U.S. has double the maternal mortality of most higher income countries. That’s twice as many deaths a year than France and Canada, more than double the rate of the UK. Our maternal death rate is the highest rate among developing countries. THE HIGHEST. The maternal death rate is twice as high for Black women than white or Hispanic women. In this study by the Commonwealth Fund on Maternal Mortality Rates in the U.S., found that Black women with a college education are at a 60% higher risk of maternal mortality than white or Hispanic women. In a 2018 interview with Vogue, Serena Williams shared her pregnancy story and the risks involved in childbirth. It also put a spotlight on the racial bias in the medical field. I’ve had plenty of experience with white male doctors not listening to me. This happens to every woman, but in many cases Black women in particular have been dismissed and mistreated. Case in point: Henrietta Lacks.

And you know what? I didn’t even intend for this post to go in this direction. What I wanted to focus on was the woman’s right to work. When a man goes to interview for a job, does he have to disclose that his wife is pregnant? It doesn’t even enter anyone’s mind. A man can have a job and be a parent. As a woman, we should have the same rights, but as I dig into this topic I just find myself in a pool of disparages that can be narrowed down by one word: Hypocrisy. For a country with a large number of voices screaming for family values, we sure do offer little support for families. Now is a great time to be contacting your senators and representatives and encouraging them to support policies that support working families, policies like childcare and healthcare and reproductive rights.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Berry cherry

"Berry cherry"

Last week the Supreme Court officially backed the Affordable Care Act and legalized gay marriage in all fifty states. These are things I am extremely thankful for. First of all, I know a lot of good hard working tax paying citizens who would not have health care without the Affordable Care Act. Or they would have health care and not be able to afford anything else, like mortgage or food. I'm grateful that the burden of how they were going to pay to see there doctor is no longer a burden. Secondly, I don't even have to say it, but I know many  good hard working tax paying citizens who have not been able to make their commitment to their loved one valid for so many years. That they have been denied home loans, had adopted children removed from their homes and not eligible for spousal benefits for all this time seems pretty dang awful. I am thankful that they are no longer considered second class citizens. I know this is old news and that is was something I should have talked about last week, but I struggled with being happy for all of these things while black churches were being burned in South Carolina. I guess maybe it felt like a misdirection thing. Hey look over here! Don't look at the race problems we're having over that a-way! But good things and bad things happen simultaneously. I get that. So I'm thankful for those good things, but I want people to know I'm paying attention to the other things.

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a day we where we celebrate this great country. A few weeks ago, I was watching an old episode of Under Cover Boss. The guy under cover sat down to take a lunch break with the one of his employees. This employee had immigrated here for a better life. His wife was pregnant with their first child and he said it was really hard making ends meet and doing this without support from their families in Venezuela. The under cover boss asked him why he did it, why would he move his family here. That employee said that he believes in the American Dream. This is 2015 and people still believe in the American Dream. Part of that American Dream is affordable health care and equality. We're still working on the equality thing. We've made great strides forward which is why those steps back, raising the Rebel Flag, unnecessary force against our black citizens, just awful hate against races and religions that are not your own, are glaringly awful. We can and are better than this.  We are the land of the American Dream. I am thankful and proud to be part of it. 

There is an abundance of stuff to be grateful for this week from squash and tomatoes in the garden to peaceful evenings. It has been a good week. I hope all of you have had the same and a safe and wonderful Fourth of July. Here's to a weekend of fireworks and  truly Thankful Friday.

LOVE THURSDAY

The Vicars or team Xander

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

Later last week I got a group text inviting all to Terry's for fire pit and sausages and to celebrate the engagement of Bradley and Greg. They 're getting hitched in Seattle next week. The text informed us all that there would be cake and to bring a gag gift. I stewed over what to do about the gift for about a day before finally deciding that I could not do a gag gift. Marriage is a big deal, particularly when you've been denied the right to a legal marriage. Until now. So I decided that I would by them the traditional Target Wedding Gift Card. 

Tucked back into the farthest darkest corner of the engagement and wedding greeting cards at Target, I discovered two choices for Groom and Groom. Later that evening we would all be joking about this and how they'd end up with both of those cards. In fact the choice of engagement cards would be more of a disgruntled joke for some, but I have to admit to being thrilled with the discovery of those two cards. I didn't expect to find ANY cards. Yes, Kansas City is fairly progressive and liberal, but MO as a whole is not. This state is still debating the issue of same sex marriage. This particular Target store sits right on the State Line with very conservative "Christian values" Kansas on one side. There is always a line for the drive through of the Chick-fil-a in the parking lot of this store and I never saw a single protester there when the Chick-fil-a owner was yelling out his anti-homosexual nonsense. It's not that I think that area is the type to throw rocks at homosexuals, but it doesn't really give off an all embracing type of of vibe either.

When I saw those two groom and groom cards, it filled my heart with hope. I could easily envision the day when I would find a whole section full of cards to celebrate this kind of occasion. It's just like that dancing guy video that circulated around years ago. One guy starts dancing and before you know it he has a crowd of people dancing with him. It starts with these two cards and before you know it you will be walking the greeting card isles and wondering why it never had such a selection before. You will be amazed at how stupid and hateful people were back then regarding this fundamental right as an American citizen. You'll push your cart while shaking your head in disbelief that this was never the norm. 

I am so happy for Bradley and Greg. I met Greg on my first AIDS Walk Open and Bradley soon after. I've seen this pair grow from puppy love to best friends and into true life partners. They are a couple and they are deserving of Target Wedding gift cards and "bridal" showers and most importantly a legally binding license. I wish them all the best.

Oh and I completely forgot to take my phone or camera, so there are zero images from that night on my phone. I am not sorry that I spent the evening disconnected from the internet or my lens.

Happy Love Thursday!