NOT A NATURAL CODER

I’m revisiting all of the python coding stuff I did two years ago in anticipation of some things happening at work. I spent most of a day trying to figure out why my files would not open in my jupyter notebook. Then I finally figured it out and it was a dumb dumb fix. I closed my eyes and whispered to myself something about how my brain was not made for this. So I gave myself a break and wasted some time scrolling through Facebook. Then I scrolled right on by a meme from an educational group that was all about lies we tell ourselves.

Lie #1: “I’m not smart enough to work in tech.”

“INTERNET GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I screamed at my computer and walked away from my desk.

Every woman I know personally in my line of work have at some point talked to me about their imposter syndrome. It is one of the things that we bond over at tea time. We take turns reminding each other that we are in fact very capable and good at what we do. We are not telling each other lies. We are all very capable and very good at what we do. Yet, we need each other to remind us of this frequently.

This morning, I stood by and allowed the cafe manager to mansplain the coffee maker to me and then I walked away with a latte, a form of coffee that I don’t even like. But I took it and drank half of it because it was easier than asking the mansplainer to pour out that coffee he had just made in my cup. This incident made me pause and consider the numerous times I have sat quietly by while a person, usually male, tells me things I already know in a way that makes it sound like I am too stupid to know. I do it because it is easier and taking the easy route has become the habit because everything else has been a struggle. We are raised in an education system that never fails to warn us of the competitiveness of certain careers. In some cases, the competition to get into medical, law, business, fill-in-the-blank school is stressed to the point of discouragement. It is impossible, so don’t even try. Maybe set your sights a little lower and remember, girls aren’t good at math. Those of us who do make it, are constantly watching our backs and questioning our worthiness for being where we are today.

This is why it is easier to sit back and just let a mansplainer splain. It is because I spend enough time and energy proving to myself and to others that I am smart enough even to be in the room. This is why I am spending time working on coding. Coding is not my area of expertise. It is a skill forcefully developed during a pandemic lockdown and a skill that I rarely ever need to use. Yet here I am plucking away at this un-instinctual task that fills me with self doubt because I am not going to believe that lie #1. I am not an imposter. I am a scientist. I know how do things on a particular microscope system that NO ONE else in my department knows how to do. I am smart enough to be here.

The thing you are never taught during all of this education is to relax once you get to where you are meant to be. You made it. Now take a number of breaths baby, because you deserve to be here.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last year, I signed myself up to teach a digital photography class at Camp Wildling, an adult summer camp hosted by my friend Kelly. Then the pandemic came along and wrecked all plans. I mean all plans. That photography showing that I was supposed to have, didn’t happen. In fact, I’ve started giving away the photos I had framed for that showing. I gave one to my therapist and two to my brother and sister-in-law to hang in their cabin. I don’t need to tell you about my wrecked plans because we all experienced wrecked plans. Last year was the year we all sat on hold with the tunes of elevator music playing woefully in the background. We are still on hold, but there is at least a glimmer that we won’t be finishing another year like that.

Kelly is offering two summer camps this year, a June one and another one in August. I told her to put me on the teacher list for the June camp. At the time I told her to do that, I was not in a place where I felt confident in being able to teach people to take better phone pictures. I still do not feel qualified, but I’m going through with it all anyway. I found this NPR article on Imposter Syndrome to be helpful. Although it is not a ‘syndrome’ in the medical sense, I can admit to being plagued by Imposter Syndrome in pretty much all aspects of my life. I almost never applied for my current job because I did not feel smart enough to work where I work. Once I was hired, I had so many doubts that I would ever be able to fake it enough to keep my job, but I have had enough interactions with some post-docs to know that I am very well qualified to do the job that I do.

So how is this class any different?

When I really start to dwell on it, I can see all the reasons why I am an imposter photographer. For one thing, it is not a paid gig. It’s not even a side hustle. It is a hobby (?). I think calling it a hobby is weak. I don’t consider my yoga practice a hobby and I would put my photography practice in the same category as I would my yoga practice. It is who I am. It is the only meditation practice I’ve been able to make stick, but does having a hobby qualify someone for teaching a class on the subject? This is where that article came in handy because it shared five easy steps for overcoming Imposter Syndrome. The first two steps sang true to my heart. Step 1 tells you to stop judging yourself and ask yourself how you are really feeling. I have never cared a blip about what other people thought of me, but oh boy can I turn myself inside out with how I think of myself. All of those doubts are symptoms of how I am truly feeling, which is really fucking depressed right now for reasons that don’t need to be listed.

This is where step 2 comes in to save the day because this step tells you to take stock of your true talents. This step forces you to look at the good parts of yourself. I may desperately hate giving presentations for work or performing on a stage, but I excel at teaching subjects that I am passionate about. It is what makes me a good yoga teacher. I love doing yoga and teaching is just sharing that love. I love taking pictures. I love finding ways to improve the photos I take with my phone. I am not ‘teaching’ a class on digital photography. I am sharing my knowledge and love of digital photography. There’s a difference. As long as I remember this, I’m going to be just fine. I am thankful for the opportunity to do this thing that takes me out of my comfort zone, this thing that scares me just a little bit.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share.