THANKFUL FRIDAY

Last year, I signed myself up to teach a digital photography class at Camp Wildling, an adult summer camp hosted by my friend Kelly. Then the pandemic came along and wrecked all plans. I mean all plans. That photography showing that I was supposed to have, didn’t happen. In fact, I’ve started giving away the photos I had framed for that showing. I gave one to my therapist and two to my brother and sister-in-law to hang in their cabin. I don’t need to tell you about my wrecked plans because we all experienced wrecked plans. Last year was the year we all sat on hold with the tunes of elevator music playing woefully in the background. We are still on hold, but there is at least a glimmer that we won’t be finishing another year like that.

Kelly is offering two summer camps this year, a June one and another one in August. I told her to put me on the teacher list for the June camp. At the time I told her to do that, I was not in a place where I felt confident in being able to teach people to take better phone pictures. I still do not feel qualified, but I’m going through with it all anyway. I found this NPR article on Imposter Syndrome to be helpful. Although it is not a ‘syndrome’ in the medical sense, I can admit to being plagued by Imposter Syndrome in pretty much all aspects of my life. I almost never applied for my current job because I did not feel smart enough to work where I work. Once I was hired, I had so many doubts that I would ever be able to fake it enough to keep my job, but I have had enough interactions with some post-docs to know that I am very well qualified to do the job that I do.

So how is this class any different?

When I really start to dwell on it, I can see all the reasons why I am an imposter photographer. For one thing, it is not a paid gig. It’s not even a side hustle. It is a hobby (?). I think calling it a hobby is weak. I don’t consider my yoga practice a hobby and I would put my photography practice in the same category as I would my yoga practice. It is who I am. It is the only meditation practice I’ve been able to make stick, but does having a hobby qualify someone for teaching a class on the subject? This is where that article came in handy because it shared five easy steps for overcoming Imposter Syndrome. The first two steps sang true to my heart. Step 1 tells you to stop judging yourself and ask yourself how you are really feeling. I have never cared a blip about what other people thought of me, but oh boy can I turn myself inside out with how I think of myself. All of those doubts are symptoms of how I am truly feeling, which is really fucking depressed right now for reasons that don’t need to be listed.

This is where step 2 comes in to save the day because this step tells you to take stock of your true talents. This step forces you to look at the good parts of yourself. I may desperately hate giving presentations for work or performing on a stage, but I excel at teaching subjects that I am passionate about. It is what makes me a good yoga teacher. I love doing yoga and teaching is just sharing that love. I love taking pictures. I love finding ways to improve the photos I take with my phone. I am not ‘teaching’ a class on digital photography. I am sharing my knowledge and love of digital photography. There’s a difference. As long as I remember this, I’m going to be just fine. I am thankful for the opportunity to do this thing that takes me out of my comfort zone, this thing that scares me just a little bit.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share.