NOT A NATURAL CODER

I’m revisiting all of the python coding stuff I did two years ago in anticipation of some things happening at work. I spent most of a day trying to figure out why my files would not open in my jupyter notebook. Then I finally figured it out and it was a dumb dumb fix. I closed my eyes and whispered to myself something about how my brain was not made for this. So I gave myself a break and wasted some time scrolling through Facebook. Then I scrolled right on by a meme from an educational group that was all about lies we tell ourselves.

Lie #1: “I’m not smart enough to work in tech.”

“INTERNET GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I screamed at my computer and walked away from my desk.

Every woman I know personally in my line of work have at some point talked to me about their imposter syndrome. It is one of the things that we bond over at tea time. We take turns reminding each other that we are in fact very capable and good at what we do. We are not telling each other lies. We are all very capable and very good at what we do. Yet, we need each other to remind us of this frequently.

This morning, I stood by and allowed the cafe manager to mansplain the coffee maker to me and then I walked away with a latte, a form of coffee that I don’t even like. But I took it and drank half of it because it was easier than asking the mansplainer to pour out that coffee he had just made in my cup. This incident made me pause and consider the numerous times I have sat quietly by while a person, usually male, tells me things I already know in a way that makes it sound like I am too stupid to know. I do it because it is easier and taking the easy route has become the habit because everything else has been a struggle. We are raised in an education system that never fails to warn us of the competitiveness of certain careers. In some cases, the competition to get into medical, law, business, fill-in-the-blank school is stressed to the point of discouragement. It is impossible, so don’t even try. Maybe set your sights a little lower and remember, girls aren’t good at math. Those of us who do make it, are constantly watching our backs and questioning our worthiness for being where we are today.

This is why it is easier to sit back and just let a mansplainer splain. It is because I spend enough time and energy proving to myself and to others that I am smart enough even to be in the room. This is why I am spending time working on coding. Coding is not my area of expertise. It is a skill forcefully developed during a pandemic lockdown and a skill that I rarely ever need to use. Yet here I am plucking away at this un-instinctual task that fills me with self doubt because I am not going to believe that lie #1. I am not an imposter. I am a scientist. I know how do things on a particular microscope system that NO ONE else in my department knows how to do. I am smart enough to be here.

The thing you are never taught during all of this education is to relax once you get to where you are meant to be. You made it. Now take a number of breaths baby, because you deserve to be here.