THANKFUL FRIDAY

You know how I said something early this week about giving Michael my sinus infection for his birthday? Yeah...turns out he had (or has) borderline pneumonia. So our house is the house of ills right now. The good news is he went to the doctor who gave him antibiotics and steroids and he's feeling much better. If not a little stir crazy. I came home yesterday to a cleaned out and reorganized spice cabinet. I'm a little scared of what I'll come home to today. Michael went to a walk-in clinic at the CVS on Monday and they told him he just had a bad cold. Two days of fever and chills and Frankenstein noises convinced him to get a second opinion. I am so thankful that he did. I am thankful that he found a good doctor and got the medication he needed. I am thankful that both of us are on the mend. I started the week with good intentions to be on my yoga mat, get active, eat healthier/less and I can honestly say that I've ended this week with those intentions intact. When I couldn't get out of bed for yoga in the mornings, I made up for it by getting on my mat in the evenings. Every day was a treadmill day and lunch was bigger than dinner. I just gave myself a gold star for the week. There's something else I did yesterday that has helped me feel a little cleaner and that was to unsubscribe to all the promotion emails I get (with the exception to Anthropologie...IhatethemIlovethemIhatethemIlovethem). I get TONS of emails a day and maybe only one out 50 are from real people that have sent me an email to really correspond with me. I spent a good chunk of my morning the other day clicking on unsubscribe buttons and it felt goooood. Like real good. I don't know why I didn't do this earlier. I didn't realize how much lighter I'd feel without the daily reminder that the boyfriend flannel is now on sale at the GAP for $39.99 (that doesn't sound like much of a sale to me) or it's buy two get three pumpkin spice scented candles at Bath and Body (aren't they always doing buy 2 get 3 something?). It felt like I was clearing the way for a flood of good emails and sure enough, a few minutes after unsubscribing to five promotional emails, I got an email from Amy with some goods news. So there's something to clearing the bad to make room for the good. I am thankful for Amy's good news and I am thankful for setting those intentions for myself this week.

It is a Cabbage weekend for us. I'm going to try to get her to help me make a pumpkin pie I think. The weather here is going to keep us cooped up in doors and I may be just a little bit thankful for this. Usually we are on the go on Saturdays with grocery shopping and errands. These tasks are tiresome all their own. Throw a three year old into the mix and it's down right exhausting (intothecarseatoutofthecarseatintothecarseatoutofthecarseat). Again, I am thankful for being over the funk and taking my last antibiotic. I am thankful that Michael is also on the mend. I am super thankful to those of you who supported this months Donor's Choose project. Mostly I am thankful for your love and support. When I tell you guys to go donate funds to this or that, you go and do it and I'm wowed. Thank you.

Here's to a recovery weekend and Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The two weeks leading up to the time change were not good yoga weeks. I would wake up at 4:30 AM, roll over, realize I had an hour, and then conk out for an hour and a half. I couldn't get up and get on my mat. I'd go in to make sure Michael was getting up and he'd say "are you on your mat?" and I'd have to say "no". This is the first time in our relationship where Michael has seen me struggle to get on my mat. He didn't know that this happens on occasion. He didn't realize that sometimes my mat and I just don't really get along. I figured after the time change, things would work itself out and I'd be up at 5:20 AM and ready for my yoga practice. Monday morning came and went, but I made that bargain with myself. I told myself that I would get on my yoga mat some time that day. I took my mat with me to work and at the end of my work day, I found a secluded spot in the gym and did an hour of yoga. I have been on my mat every day this week. Thursday morning, I smiled as I came into headstand and hung out there for a bit. Michael was just about to leave as I got off my mat, that smile still on my face. "What's that smile for?" he asked. I just grinned and said "I had a really good practice this morning. Headstand. Bloop!" I am not perfect. There are times when I eat all of the wrong things and I eat those wrong things in massive quantities (Michael's pizza is Chinese...we've recently banned the buffets). There are days my yoga practice and my daily walks fall apart. I will be cranky and quick tempered. I will hate everything and then I will reach a breaking point when I know, I KNOW, that I have to fix myself. This week was a week of fixing myself. By Thursday, I knew that things were going right. I was finally starting to feel like my old self. I am thankful for that feeling of peace and calm. I am thankful for the joy my practice brings to my heart. I am thankful for the effect this has on my day.

I have started to notice the daily gratitude status updates on Facebook. I see some people struggle with maintaining that daily practice. It's hard. There are times in my weekly postings of Thankful Friday where I struggle. Daily is a whole other beast. I suppose that it is not much different from a daily yoga practice. Actually...it can all be broken down so simply. There was a time when I was trying to flip my negative attitude that I had a daily happiness project. I wrote one thing that had made me happy down in a journal. I do that now with a daily picture. The weekly gratitude posting is no different. Nor the things I choose to eat. All of it is a practice. Michael asked me once why I call my yoga practice a practice. "What are you practicing for?" That's a good question. I never really had an answer for it until just now. My sun salutations are a practice for the routine of daily life. My asana practice is a practice for the times that daily life gets disrupted by difficult things. My final relaxation practice is a practice for saying goodbye. The practice as a whole is a reminder to take that practice off the mat and carry it with me through the day so that all those aspects of life, gratitude, happiness, even sadness become part of the practice. I am thankful for the reminder of how I want to live my life and the person I aspire to be.

First full week of NaNoWriMo is behind me and I've managed to keep up with the 1,667 or so daily word count. I am thankful for this because it's a sense of accomplishment. I am thankful for my new coffee maker and the smell of fresh ground coffee. I've been using pod coffee for far too long. I am thankful for the end of a very long week. I am thankful for all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers that have been sent this way. I am blessed.

Here's a fantastic weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today is the first day of NaNoWriMo. The key to staying on track with 50,000 words is to write 1,667 words a day. That's about two, two and half pages a day, which really sounds like nothing now that I think about it. I was all ready to tell about how I planned on procrastinating. I started a knitting project (this usually guarantees nothing gets done). We're going to Oklahoma this weekend (nothing gets done in OK). Next week I have planned to get back on my meditation horse. All of these things I've planned as road blocks to this NaNoWriMo project seem kind of lame now that I know what 1,667 words a day looks like. So...I guess I have no excuse. This is happening. I've already started knitting together words in my head and I've already started formulating new ideas for other projects. I was hoping that NaNoWriMo would spark my creativity and I think it may be working. I have IDEAS and I'm in the works of implementing those ideas. Yesterday, as I was researching palmistry (maybe later), I discovered that the lines on the left hand are the things the Gods gave you, while the lines on the right hand represent what you've done with those things. A curvy head line represents creativity and spontaneity, while a straight head line favors practicality and structure. The head line on my left hand has more waves than that of my right. I haven't been using those creativity gifts the Gods gave me. It's time to change that. I want to update and edit my Life List. I've always wanted to do a Story Corps project, but could never figure out what that project would be. It came to me yesterday after Chad's Jess received her name. I want to interview Chad and get the story of the names on record (there's a complex story on how Chad received the name 'birdpony'). I have a collaborative cookbook idea I've been kicking around all summer and I want to see that happen because I think it will be a beautiful thing. I'm thankful for the kick in the pants that NaNoWriMo, even if it's just the thought of doing it, has given me. I have so much I WANT to do and there's really no excuse for not doing them.

This weekend Michael will finally meet my family. It seems odd to me that this is just now happening. I'm thankful that it finally is, but I'm a little nervous. Actually, when I think to hard about it, I feel like throwing up. But then I remember all the kind things my family has said to me about a man they don't even know and it's like a saltine cracker and 7-Up. I am thankful to have a family that is so accepting. Blindly so. It amazes me that they have so much faith and support in my choices. That makes it sound like Michael is a poor choice. That's not my intention. Michael is a very good choice, the easiest reason being he makes me happy. I am thankful for him every day. But it's important that the people who love me can also see that he's a good choice and that he makes me happy.

I am thankful for the clearing skies. I am thankful for the most amazing display of Fall colors in the trees (seriously..I can't stop pointing at trees). I am thankful for the routine we are starting to fall into. And I am always thankful for you. Here's to a beautiful weekend and a stunning Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The Cabbage has been spending time with her grandparents in Iowa for the last two weeks. The last time we saw her was on the fourth and we went bowling and it was awesome, but sad because we knew we wouldn't be seeing her again for a long time. We thought she'd be gone for a month, but plans changed and planets realigned and we will have the Cabbage ALL weekend. I am as surprised as you are about this next part, but I can't wait! We are going to pick out pumpkins to carve from the Farmers' Market and watch My Little Pony and maybe even hang out at Union Station. When Mom and I finally checked into our hotel in Dublin, it was too late to attempt a trip downtown and too early to call it a night. So...we went to IKEA and spent two hours wandering through hordes of people and trying not to impulse buy anything. We got to the kids section and I just exploded. I found the bed I want to buy for the Cabbage's future room and a chair and a swing and a rug and OH MY GOD THE KID SECTION AT IKEA! All of it. I wanted all of it. I don't know what I'm looking forward to the most: moving into a bigger house or decorating a room for the Cabbage. I am amazed at my reaction to her and how she's become just as important to me as her dad.

Michael has often commented about the mess he brings to my life. He says "I'm a mess" and he really is. Good Lord, you should have seen my kitchen the other night after he made pizza. His mess extends to an ex, in-laws, parents and step parents. But he is respectful of my need for clean and order. The Cabbage comes with her own mess, the kind that follows all little kids. I should be annoyed by it, but instead I have embraced it. The mess and chaos is the balance to my OCD tendencies. I'm so thankful for this balance and their presence in my life.

This week I had pizza for dinner Tuesday night, lunch on Wednesday, dinner Wednesday night and lunch on Thursday. I know I've said that I could eat pizza for every meal, but I know now that I need to make an amendment to that statement. I can eat pizza for every meal, but my body can not. My belly is starting to resemble a pizza. This weekend we will sit down and come up with a better, cleaner meal plan for the week. I am thankful that Michael is 100% on board with this.

I am thankful for the promise of this weekend, the pumpkin carving and meeting some of Michael's friends. I am thankful for the promise of good food. I am thankful for the promise of a house full of laughter, love and warmth. And I am always thankful for you.

Here's to a perfectly wonderful weekend and a beautiful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I received a comment from someone new on an entry I posted early this week. The person told me that my words helped ease some their own pain from a recent loss. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, but it is rare that someone contacts me to tell me that reading my blog has helped them in some way. I am surprised and humbled every time it happens. The things I write here are often things that I cannot say out loud. The words are too rich and stick in my throat. It's rarely my intention to change minds or heal wounds or ease suffering with the things said here. But I do. I am thankful that I have this platform. I am thankful that I have a positive impact. This week was a Donor's Choose week and this month we picked Mrs. MacDonald's project to buy books for her library. Talaura's nephew goes to that school and that played a large part in our decision to fund it, but I was also drawn to Mrs MacDonald's enthusiasm to teach kids to love reading. There were a few of you that shared my link with others when I posted it on facebook yesterday. You just picked up that little ball I threw out there and ran with it. I am thankful for the donations, but I'm also thankful for that wave of passing it on. I encourage you and you encourage others and it's just this big chain of do gooding. It warms my soul.

I was also contacted this week by my friend Anna, whose mom works in a position that could help us get Dad moved to a hospital closer to home. Her kindness in just reaching out with something, anything, to help us brought me to tears. Even if nothing comes of it, I am thankful for the flicker of hope.

I really am blessed with the bounty of things I can be grateful. That's really what it ends up being at the end of a week, a bounty, because all those little things collect. And before I know it, I have a basket full. I am thankful for delcata squash, warm cups of tea, kind ears that listen to my crazy rants, and you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When Michael and I first met, we'd gone on two dates (technically three) before I went out of town for Amy's wedding. It was during this time that we had, what Michael refers to as, a hiccup. That whole "I need space" episode. When I went to Chicago for BlogHer, he bought a scooter. When I went home for Katrina that weekend, he wrecked his car. It became a joke between us that every time I left town with out him, he did something crazy, stupid, or crazy and stupid. We laughed about the possible shenanigans that he could get into while I was away for a week, but part of me worried too. Would I come home to broken bones or holes in the walls or a burnt out kitchen? I mean, I haven't known this man for very long. Should I trust him to take care of things and not screw around while I was gone for seven days? Could I? Take out all the other words from that sentence and leave it with "could I trust?". Really, that's what it all boils down too. How long do you need to know a person before you really trust them? That's a completely rhetorical question because trust has little to do with time. I recognize that there are different kinds of trust. I tend to fall into that blind trust category of people, also known as gullible. If the category existed, I would have been voted "most likely to hand over car keys to a complete stranger if said stranger asked to borrow my car". Of course that stranger would bring back my car. Well...I say that. In that time between Chris and now, I find myself less trusting or there are more doubts. But those doubts and mistrusts are more towards myself. It's not that I mistrust Michael. It's that I mistrust my faith in believing that things will be OK. I was told once that worrying about bad things happening was like wishing for them to happen. It's not that I worry about the bad things happening as much as I no longer trust for them NOT to happen. Here's the thing though. At some point I have to just throw my arms out for that trust fall. Leaving for seven days was, in a sense, my trust fall.

Michael bought a truck while I was gone. I don't think that was particularly crazy or stupid. He needed to replace his car and the small truck is a practical choice. It turns out that I can trust him to take care of things when I'm out of town. I am thankful that there were no broken bones or burnt out kitchens. I am thankful that he finally replaced his wrecked car. I am thankful that he's gotten so good at being the catcher in my trust falls. But more importantly, I am thankful that I can trust this man with my heart and that has been the hardest fall for me to make.

I am thankful for weather that has allowed roof top yoga and scooter riding. I am thankful for an easy transition back into work after a week away. I'm thankful to be back here, writing again. And I am thankful for you and your kind thoughts and kind words. Here's to a beautiful weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My dad has always been that guy who will tell you the same story every time he sees you. It used to be that he would tell you about some event that happened at the flea market and then a month later he'd tell you that tale again. Gradually, the gap between telling the story shrunk. Months turned to weeks turned to days turned to hours turned to minutes. Because this was something we were just kind of used to from dad, none of us really thought too much about it. Sometime in March, Dad was up for a drive and he took me to dinner. He got confused and a little lost on our way from my house to the restaurant up the street. That was the first inkling that any of us had that there was something seriously wrong with Dad. None of us expected such a drastic decline though. The doctors have finally decided that he has advanced Alzheimer's. So here's the part where I dig deep on finding something to be grateful for. One diagnosis for Dad's illness was Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (or something like that). It's basically a human form of Mad Cow disease and if you decide to do any reading on it, you will find that it's a pretty scary brain disease. I am thankful that Dad does not have this. Right now he's in a hospital that is at least an hour's drive for my family. Plans are being put in place to move him to a good facility closer to home. I'm thankful for that. I am thankful that he will get the care he needs.

So that's that. Every day this week has been a physical drag for me (I think I need iron supplements). I am thankful for those evenings when Michael has turned to me and said "let's just veg out on the couch tonight". I am thankful that he has taken the mower away from me. That's been a hard battle. I HATE that chore, but I have been the most stubborn about giving it up. I still feel a little guilty for letting him do it. I'm thankful that he's bold enough to put his foot down and say "you are going to let me do this".

I am thankful for all of you who have given to the Donors choose program that we funded this month. You guys continue to amaze me. I thankful for all the kind words and well wishes for my dad. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a weekend where I get everything together. And a very Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Ever get to the end of a week a wonder how you got there? I keep trying to remember what I did Monday or even Tuesday and it all looks like Swiss cheese. I'm exhausted and I have no idea why. It may have something to do with moving the futon from one side of the office to the other and back again because I didn't like the way it looked against that other wall. I am trying to make my little office/yoga space work for two people. Last night I had to let go of the idea of keeping it as a yoga space. I can have my own work space or my own yoga space. That's not really true. I can have both of these things; they just can't be in the same room. And my new mantra has become "this is temporary". Except seeing that written up in type makes me want to change it. Everything is temporary. One day we will be in a new house, one where everyone has their own space, and we will miss each other desperately. I have been frantic with the idea of making room for two people in my tiny 750 square foot home. I have fretted over where toys and computer desks will go. My stomach knots at the idea of us crashing into each other or just simply killing each other. I have worried about him moving into MY space. I used to share that 750 square feet of space with another person and a dog and we were comfortable. I didn't have my own yoga space or even my own office space, but I had a desk and an open floor space for yoga. After Chris died, I stretched out. I took over all of the space, all of the dresser drawers, with no room for another person. I see that now as a metaphor. Creating room in my home for another person is the same as creating space in my heart for another person. I am thankful for those two people I have created space for in my home and in my life. I am thankful for that drawer that I cleaned out that is now filled with little girl clothes.

What else? Well, after weeks of tests and wondering what the heck is wrong with my dad, we will hopefully have some answers today. They are meeting with the doctor this morning to discuss everything and finally get a care plan. I am hopeful that things can be done to make dad feel better and I think all of us are thankful to finally have some answers. In sad news, my brother and sister-in-law had to say goodbye to their chihuahua, Jethro. I am not thankful for that, but I am thankful that we had that little sausage dog in our family. He was a pretty hilarious little dog and he'll be missed.

I am thankful for the cooler temps and the promise of a somewhat less hectic weekend. And I am always thankful for you. Have a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am one of those people that tends to be deeply affected by music. I associate specific songs to specific moments of time and specific memories. It makes sense to me that movies have soundtracks because real life has a soundtrack. At least my real life does. In the last few years, Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros have played a large part in that soundtrack. Ever since Amy introduced them to me and Chris, I have been hooked. "Home" became our theme song. I think it resonated so deeply with us because Chris and I never really had much of a home of our own. We had always been at the mercy of landlords and in-laws. At the time of that song, home truly was where ever I was with Chris. Even though I've moved on, that song still gets to me except now it stings a bit to hear it. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros released a new album this year and this one has added so many new songs to my life soundtrack. "Better Days" and "Life is Hard" fit perfectly into this specific moment. We've seen better days. We dream of better days and we SEE better days. "That's some cliche shit, make me wanna cry." Yes. Yes it is and life is hard so we should celebrate. I know when they sat down and wrote these songs they were not writing about me, but that's the thing about music and lyrics. We can all experience it personally, hearing the words we needed to hear at the time we are most receptive to really hearing them. And even though the song may say something different to you than it does to me, it still connects us by it's ability to evoke any sort of meaning.

I am thankful for the music that has punctuated the meaningful and even mundane moments of my life. I am thankful for those songs that have my memories wrapped inside of them. I am thankful for creative artists that know how to twist the notes and tunes around my heart. And if that ain't some cliche shit, I don't know what is. But I'm thankful. I'm truly thankful for the connection music makes not just individually, but communally. Music has given us an excuse to gather together this weekend. How could I not be thankful for that?

Here's to an amazing weekend and a beautiful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The other night, after finishing my Love Thursday entry, I got up and started clearing out the linen closet. I figured that I could make enough room in that closet for the things in the second medicine cabinet. The linen closet isn't the proper name for that space. Yes, there are linens in there, but there's also various toiletry things that are either not used often or spares for when I run out of what's in the bathroom. That closet has needed a clean out for a really long time. Making room for Michael was just a good excuse to do that. I pulled all of the things off from one shelf and at the very back was this little toiletry bag. It was the type of bag I might have carried in a purse or something because it contained things like tampons and chapstick and a little pill box. I started to just dump the whole thing in the trash, but then thought better of it. It was a good thing too because wedged down in the very bottom of that bag was my long lost scooter key. My hands started trembling as I pulled that key out of the bag and stood there in shock. I had been chatting with Chad via text off and on, so he was the first person I told.

I think most of you know the story of the scooter key and how I couldn't find it after Chris died. I had come to the conclusion that he'd hid it from me so that I wouldn't ride the scooter which had a bald back tire at the time. In fact I know he did because I would never have put my key into that bag. But another reason I believed that he hid the key was something he said to me during our nightly talks before he died. We were laying there laughing at the idea of me trying to get a 100 ft drain snake into the basement and then actually knowing what to do once I got it down there. He said "See? This is what worries me. You think you can do these things, but you can't". At first I was a little irritated, but then I heard the words he didn't say. What he meant to say was that I couldn't do those things on my own. He worried that I would wait until I had actually gotten myself in too deep before I would ask for help. Let's face it. It was a legitimate worry.

The lost scooter key has been a running gag for more than a year and then on the night before I announce to everyone that Michael is moving in, I find it. That key is so much more than a joke now. That key is a blessing. And OK...maybe I found that key because I was cleaning out crap. Maybe I found that key because I'd just made plans to finally replace it.( I should tell you that the key I've been using contains a special sensor. To replace that key would cost me $2500. That's not a typo. The spare key is only about $50 to replace.) It all depends on how you look at things. Me? Well...I see it as a pretty big sign. This week I am thankful for finding that key. I am thankful for the why and the when of finding that key. I am thankful for the blessing.

Something else I'm thankful for? You guys. I know you guys want me to be happy and I know you want good things for me. I don't know why I'm surprised by your wonderful words of encouragement and love, but sometimes, I am. It amazes me that I've been able to surround myself with such good people. I just keep thinking of Julie Andrews singing Something Good in the Sound of Music. Thank you.

Here's to a great Holiday Weekend but an even better Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael stayed over Monday night. This was the first time for him to stay on a "school night", which meant that we'd both be getting ready around the same time in the morning. Basically, it was our first morning routine test. This is what my morning routine looks like: wake up at 5:20 AM, drink a full glass of water, use the bathroom and jump in the shower, then I do the minimum requirements for looking presentable for work (makeup, hair, clean teeth), followed by an hour of yoga, breakfast and final dressing (change yoga pants for real pants) and then I'm out the door and on my way to work. My mornings are very organized (my life is pretty organized). I never hit the snooze button on the alarm (mostly because I can't stand to hear it go off again). Michael's alarm started going off at 5:00 AM, a loud rotary phone ring that I couldn't figure out how to stop. So the alarm would continue to sound off every fifteen minutes or so with Michael still snoring away. But, by the time I got onto my yoga mat and Michael made his way to the shower, everything kind of fell into place. We repeated the morning routine test Thursday morning and passed with flying colors. I have had a really hard time gaining control of any kind of routine ever since BlogHer '13. My home yoga practice has been sketchy. Weekly chore night? I don't even know what that is any more. I feel like I've done a poor job of learning how to incorporate a new person into this OCD inspired routine life of mine. This is the first week in a long time where I finally feel like I'm getting a grip. Yoga has happened every day. I have been on the treadmill every day. I have done chores. I have eaten good healthy food. And Michael has been right there in the middle of it all. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that I'm finally figuring out how to bend and give but at the same time take the time I need for me and my health. I am also thankful that we've been able to fall into a regular routine so easily together. I think that bodes well for the future.

What else? We've got sprouts coming up in the new Fall garden. All of the vehicles are getting oil changes this weekend. There's also been talk of a bike ride on Saturday. I have not ridden a bicycle in years. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time, but I'm thankful that I finally broke down and got a good bicycle. Oh! That reminds me. I'm thankful for all of you who have donated to Michael's fundraising page for the AIDS Bicycle Cruise. He's been amazed and wowed by the internet. I hope everyone has a truly wonderful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tuesday morning was the first time I've been on my yoga mat in a week. And yes, I had to pause my practice a couple of time to blow my nose but dang it felt good to be on that mat and moving. I am finally feeling more like my normal self, despite this lingering cough. I am thankful to be back on my mat, thankful to get back on the treadmill, thankful to have enough energy to do more than just lay around on the couch. This is important because my yard, dear Lord my yard, was out of control. I started dinner Tuesday night with the intention of mowing the front yard while everything cooked. I hemmed and hawed around with Michael occasionally throwing "aren't you going to mow your yard?" in my direction, before I sighed heavily and mowed the front yard. Wednesday night I tackled the backyard. I didn't just mow. I pulled weeds around the garden and house. I turned the compost. I washed the lawnmower and an ice chest. By the time I was done, I was covered in grass and my jeans were soaked because you cannot clean a lawnmower without spraying yourself at least once with the water hose. I went to bed that night knowing I earned my session with Jeana the next day. Jeana has been using this new biomat on her massage table. It's full of amethyst crystals and woo-woo magic. I like laying on it even if it's woo-woo. As I laid there waiting for Jeana to come back into the room, I started thinking about all the times I found myself holding my breath this week. We had done arm balances in yoga class on Wednesday. I suck at arm balances. I know that part of the problem is that the minute I try to go into one, I stop breathing. So, in Wednesday's class, I held my breath. I held my breath as I cleaned microscope objectives. I held my breath as I waited impatiently at a stop light. I did a lot of breath holding this week. I'm thankful for that moment of realization that it's time to just sit back and breath. And that's exactly what I plan on doing this weekend.

I am thankful for lots of things this week. I'm thankful for the flowers Michael brought me on Tuesday. I am thankful for the peach preserves/jam that Chad and Jess sent me on Thursday. I am thankful the check engine light went off on my car after I put gas cleaner in the tank. And I'm always thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a very Thankful Friday!

P.S. I'm still helping Michael raise funds for the AIDS Bicycle Cruise . Please give what you can.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have been fighting a sinus infection all week. It caused me to miss work on Tuesday and most of Wednesday. I thought I'd be able to function Wednesday, but after staring at my computer screen like a zombie for twenty minutes, I waved the white flag of defeat. I've reached the gross side of this thing where I feel better but sound like a fog horn. My decongestant doesn't let me sleep but it doesn't let me function normally either. So I took my last one Wednesday morning and fell asleep on my couch around two in the afternoon only to be startled awake by a knocking on my door at 2:30. But my thirty minute nap made me feel better. And even though I had to sleep with a kleenex shoved up one nostril, I slept completely through Wednesday night. So, instead of Mucinex-D, I've been dosing myself with homeopathic medicine like ColdCalm and grapefruitseed extract nasal spray. Yes, I may sound awful and may have spent a lot of time on Thursday mouth breathing, but at least I'm mouthing breathing with a clear head. I'll take it. I'll even be thankful for it. I will be spending this weekend with my family in Oklahoma. I haven't been home in months and even though this trip will not be for fun, I am still looking forward to seeing my family and being ensconced in their arms. I think we all need to hug each other right now. I am thankful that I am not so far from home. I know that there was always a plan to move to Portland and they may still be in the cards one day (who knows?). I am four hours away from my family now and I'm thankful for that because it makes it so much easier to just be there when I need to be there. I realize just how fortunate I am to be able to see them whenever I want. I know this is a luxury. I am thankful for that luxury.

I am thankful for so many things this week, but most importantly I'm thankful for you and your kind words, love and support. Happy Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My sister-in-law lost her mother to cancer this week. She had been diagnosed shortly after Chris died. She fought the good fight for a year and a half. I talked to Katrina when it was time to think about bringing in hospice. She was struggling with the idea of it because her mom wasn't ready. She could still get up and do things and Katrina didn't want her mom to think she wanted her to die. But I also knew that Katrina was worried that she couldn't care for her mother the way she needed to. I knew this because I'd been there. I knew that the moments leading up to her death would be the hardest scariest time for Katrina. I knew that it would be like walking a tight rope over the Grand Canyon, a constant fight to keep balancing to keep from falling. I knew that her body would go to work and run through it's daily tasks, but her mind would be with her mom, worrying that she had fallen or was eating or, most importantly, not in pain. When we were told that our only choice was hospice, Chris didn't want it. The lead hospice nurse came to our house and I sat on the couch talking to her. Chris laid on the bed in the other room. He wanted no part of it. But I listened to what that woman had to say, things about not helping you to die, but helping you to live comfortably. And when I went in to the bedroom to talk to Chris about it, he told me "I'm not ready." Then I told him that I needed hospice. I needed it to be sure there would be someone that could take care of Chris better than I could. So he agreed. He agreed, not because it was good for him, but because it would be easier for me. He saw that it eased my mind knowing that someone could be there. These are the things that I told Katrina. These were my words of advice. It sucks that I have this knowledge, this experience at my age, but I am thankful that I could pass the things I know on to someone in a helpful way. I am thankful that the experience prepared me in some way to help someone else.

August is not an easy month for Katrina or the rest of my family. It is centered around loss and heartache. This just adds to Katrina's pile of loss, but Katrina and I are a lot alike. We're good at seeing the balance of loss and life. We both can see that even though we've had great loss, we have also gained great loves. I'm thankful for this and I'm thankful for the people that she has surrounding her with love and support. I'm thankful for those she has to lean on when it's just too much, because I get the idea of too much. And I'm thankful.

I am thankful for the many blessings I have in my life.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I'm sure you guys are wondering how dad is doing. I talked to my sister Wednesday night and I'm happy to report that dad seems a little better. At least he's not so weebly wobbly and his mood is better. Turns out, Dad has no idea how to take his medications. He was taking Lipitor and a generic version of Lipitor, essentially overdosing on cholesterol medication. He also has had type 2 Diabetes for almost two years now. He was taking medication for this, but not checking his glucose levels. In fact he didn't even own a glucometer until this week. These are all things we had no idea about. Dad refused to let any one go in to the doctors' office with him. Until now. Janell got onto both parents and some rules have been put in place to ensure that we all know what is going on and that takes his medication properly. So...I'm thankful that Dad is feeling better. I'm thankful that Janell could be there to help out. I'm thankful that we have a tiny bit more time to figure out what to do about my parent's living situation (the idea of moving them and cleaning out the house completely immobilizes me). But mostly I'm thankful that Dad is doing better. Really, that's the biggest thing of this week. I am thankful for the ease of this week. All things work and life related have run pretty smoothly. I have a new desk and work space at work that makes me happy. I had a nice dinner with Xander. I met with my massage therapist, Jeana, on Thursday. I didn't have to worry about meals for two whole days because someone else took care of that for me (I have more on this...later). Yoga has happened every day!

I am thankful...for all of it.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When I got up Monday morning for work I realized that this would be the first full week I've worked in two weeks. My feet dragged a little bit that morning. But then I woke up and it was Friday and I had no idea what happened to this week.I never even got a chance to write a Love Thursday this week because by the time I finished the last post it was practically already next week (not really, but close). Where did this week go? I remember the events of only one day clearly. The rest of the days are smashed together in blurred images. That sure makes it hard to remember what I was thankful for this week. Despite the scatter brain and the squirrels, I have managed to get on my yoga mat every day this week. I haven't skipped a day on the treadmill. I've eaten (reasonably) well. I have done healthy things for my body which is pretty spectacular considering the crazy brain of my week. This is something I can be thankful for. This is something I can remember to be thankful for. Usually what happens during weeks like this one is my routine gets wrecked. I don't get on the mat. The daily walk is hit or miss. Food is crackers and avocados. But apparently I had enough of my wits about me this week to at least take care of myself physically. Go me! Actually sticking with my usual routine has helped calm some of that mind chatter. Another thing that has helped quiet things is disabling my dating profile. I've been off and on with the online dating thing and every time I disable my profile, I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. That's a pretty telling sign that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm thankful that weight is no longer there to cart around.

I've got a lot to be thankful for in this moment. The key is to actually stay put in this moment for a bit. Hope everyone has a great weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I've been on a bit of a mini cleansing diet since I got back from Oklahoma. Not a huge change from what I usually eat during the week, just more green things like broccoli and kale (always kale). The other night I cooked Beluga lentils with quinao in ghee, coriander, fennel seeds, cumin and veggie broth. When the lentils and quinao were mostly cooked, I tossed in fresh broccoli and kale and then let them steam for a couple of minutes. I was not too enthusiastic while preparing this. The idea sounded blah, but I was being lazy and didn't feel like looking up a real recipe. But it was a surprisingly tasty meal. It reminded me of the kitchari I make, a simple dish of mung beans, rice and kale. Easy clean food. I made really poor food choices when I was visiting Amy. I ate lots of cheese pizza and junk. The morning of Amy's wedding, I went to Walmart to pick up something for us to eat on while we finished getting everything ready. I knew Amy wouldn't eat anything unless it was something she could pick up and shove into her mouth quickly, but I also wanted to put good food into our bellies. I had forgotten how hard this is to do in small towns like Duncan OK. They do not make it easy for you to make good food choices. When I told Matt and Amy that I just kept wandering around looking for the "organic foods" isle, they laughed at me. Even our regular grocery stores here have whole sections devoted to organic and whole foods. I kept looking for that kind of section at their Walmart, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly I was back in that place where I had to read labels and actually pay attention to what I was buying.

I am thankful I live in a place where I can easily make good food choices. In fact, it's so easy that it has made me a lazy food shopper. I don't spend hours in a grocery store reading labels or fretting about the price of a food item. I can remember wanting to use tempe in something but because it was $5 for a package at the health food store I would invent recipes that would get the most out of my purchase. That meant eating tempe everything that week. Now, at $2 a package, it's a no brainer. Not having to justify every purchase has really taken the stress out grocery shopping. No stress groceries means no stress eating, something I can be mentally and physically thankful for.

Speaking of stress free, I've booked a facial for myself today (because I'm trying to save money?). It's my treat for doing yard work and remembering to wear long sleeves while doing it (no poison ivy for me!). A friend at work recommended some Haagen Dazs gelato that I think will be on tonights menu. I might even go see a movie. This is turning out to be a more restorative weekend than the last. And that my friends is something to truly be thankful for today. Hope everyone has had a safe and fabulous Holiday.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have met someone and before everyone gets all googly eyed and star-crossed over this, I unfortunately have to say it's probably over. I got the "it's not you, it's me" text yesterday morning. At first I was really really mad. I got mad for a number of reasons, the first of which was his decision to use text as his way to communicate important things regarding this relationship. I think that's a pretty cowardly move on his part. I got mad because his texts seemed so bi-polar to his actions. I got mad because he initiated all of this and then freaked out. But mostly I got mad because I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I liked him (still kind of do). I was mad at myself for liking this guy and falling for the whole googly eyed act. It made me feel like a schmuck. But then I thought "Wait! I feel something for a guy!". Up until this moment, I've pretty much felt nothing while on dates. I'd recoil and cringe on the inside whenever one of those guys touched me. I was beginning to think that there was something seriously wrong with me. Turns out, I'm not all dead on the inside. That's actually a good feeling to know. Yes...I'm disappointed and his rejection still kind of stings a bit but I know why he did it. Poor guy is scared and cowardice is a total turn off for someone like me. I tend to be pretty dang fearless. Also, I know more than most just how short life can be and how every moment is important. This is a lesson he hasn't had to really learn. I wish him luck (even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't ever read the blog) and I give him thanks. I'm grateful for his brief presence in my life because it showed me that I am capable of caring for another man. I'm grateful for those silly joyful feelings. Those feelings sure were fun while they lasted. See? There's an up side to everything and I'm grateful that I have the presence of mind to see this.

I'm also grateful to those who had to listen to me bitch and moan over this whole thing. You guys never fail in making me feel loved and supported. When I voiced that I had guilt for liking someone other than Chris, you guys jumped right in there to reassure me that all of these feelings were OK and valid. That really means the world to me. There's not a better feeling than knowing the people who love you have your back. All of you know how much it means to me to wish good things for you, but it feels pretty dang awesome to know that you want the same things for me. I am thankful for this.

So...here's to a restorative weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Friday evening, I started the car up after driving the scooter all week and the check engine light came on and then my stomach began to twist up in knots. I am driving to Oklahoma; actually I'm on the road right this minute heading in that direction. I could not make my trip with the check engine light on. Monday after work I drove way the heck out to the dealership, in bumper to bumper traffic and rain pouring down in buckets. The guy I gave my car to was unnerved by my neighborhood and the thought of me riding the scooter. So he arranged a loaner car for me, a car I was not used to driving and bigger than the one I was used to driving. By the time I made it home that evening, all of my muscles were drawn up into a tight ball and my eye was twitching. Then I began to fret over what might be wrong with my car. What if whatever was wrong was not covered by the warranty? When the mechanic told me about the possible charges if it wasn't something warranty related, I almost threw up. I thought "there goes my savings". Tuesday, they called to say that everything was fine. There was a misfire error and they took care of it. No worries. The whole point of getting the new car with a warranty was meant to ease a little stress and worry. The problem is I am not used to the idea of a warranty. I've never had the luxury. I am so thankful that there was nothing major wrong with the car and I'm super thankful that I didn't have to pay for anything to fix the car. I am also that the car is not something I will be worrying about while I'm on my trip. During the same time I was fretting about my car, Talaura was in New York fretting about signing on her new apartment. She still has things to fret about with all the moving and getting settled in the new place, but one thing she no longer needs to worry about is where she is going to live. Remember last week when I talked about wanting good things for the people I love? Well...this is a good thing I have been wishing on for Talaura for over a year now. One night, not to long ago, I was tipsy texting to Talaura. I just happened to be in my backyard when I saw a shooting star. I wished that night Talaura would get her apartment. I kept that a secret until I talked to her after she closed on Monday. I know she still has lots and lots to do and I know that it is all very stressful for her, but I am so happy that she has this space of her own. I am thankful that she has this space of her own.

I've already mentioned that I am on my way to Oklahoma. I am headed to Duncan for a wedding because Amy is getting married. I almost can't believe that she's getting married but I'm thankful that she has found someone that she wants to marry. I'm thankful for Roger being the guy that made Amy want to get married again. If that even makes sense. I'm thankful for their happiness and I can't wait to celebrate with them. I am thankful for the brief snippets of time that I will get to spend with my friends in OK. I am even looking forward to Oklahoma heat. I have plenty to be thankful for this week. I'm thankful I got my yard mowed before it rained. I am thankful for someone cooking me dinner so I wouldn't have to worry about food while gathering things for my trip. I am thankful for a few days of vacation. And...well...I'm always thankful for you.

Here is to a glorious weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One time dad was doing one of his long drives from Wyoming and he made it to Kansas City around noon. He came by work and I gave him the keys to my house with strict instructions for him to take a nap. He mowed my yard. He mowed the front and backyard after I told him specifically not to. He said he closed his eyes for a few minutes and then he told me I'd bought the wrong mower. He said something about four wheel drive and I stopped listening but that's the thing with dad. The thing that I will remember most about my dad is his obsession with lawns and lawn mowers. The last time I was home, we were walking around the yard and dad kept talking about how high the grass in his yard was already getting and he had just mowed a few days ago. He said when he shut the mower off he kept hearing this strange noise and he thought maybe something was wrong with his mower. Then he said "I know what that sound was". And I fell for it. I asked "What was it?" and then he said with a completely straight face "it was the sound of the grass growing." Wamp wamp. I'm thankful for my dad. I'm thankful for his goofy sense of humor and his tall tales. I am thankful for his willingness to help and his surprise visits. There are other things to be thankful for this week, but dad is the most important even though I am thankful for him everyday. Chad called earlier this week to tell me the funniest story that doesn't even translate to written word. Let's face it. There's so much about Chad that doesn't translate to written word. He's one you have to see to believe. But he also told me about the plans he and Jess are making for their future. They are plans that make me happy and happy for them. And this makes me thankful. It reminds me of something Chris said to Talaura once about how we just want good things for our friends. I want good things for you and I am thankful when those good things happen.

Jill sent goodies with Jeff to work this week. I am so thankful for those chocolate chip cookies. I am also thankful that Jill likes to bake. I am this close to finishing up a troublesome project at work. After countless set backs, I've finally made some progress and this is something I'm very thankful for. I'm thankful for the great weather we've had here. Xander came and helped me paint my office over the weekend and though I'm really thankful for his help (that boy didn't even need a step stool), I am even more thankful for the time we had to just talk to each other. Also, I love my purple room. I'm thankful for the fresh mint growing like crazy in the garden. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a grand weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!