THANKFUL FRIDAY

I am one of those people that tends to be deeply affected by music. I associate specific songs to specific moments of time and specific memories. It makes sense to me that movies have soundtracks because real life has a soundtrack. At least my real life does. In the last few years, Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros have played a large part in that soundtrack. Ever since Amy introduced them to me and Chris, I have been hooked. "Home" became our theme song. I think it resonated so deeply with us because Chris and I never really had much of a home of our own. We had always been at the mercy of landlords and in-laws. At the time of that song, home truly was where ever I was with Chris. Even though I've moved on, that song still gets to me except now it stings a bit to hear it. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros released a new album this year and this one has added so many new songs to my life soundtrack. "Better Days" and "Life is Hard" fit perfectly into this specific moment. We've seen better days. We dream of better days and we SEE better days. "That's some cliche shit, make me wanna cry." Yes. Yes it is and life is hard so we should celebrate. I know when they sat down and wrote these songs they were not writing about me, but that's the thing about music and lyrics. We can all experience it personally, hearing the words we needed to hear at the time we are most receptive to really hearing them. And even though the song may say something different to you than it does to me, it still connects us by it's ability to evoke any sort of meaning.

I am thankful for the music that has punctuated the meaningful and even mundane moments of my life. I am thankful for those songs that have my memories wrapped inside of them. I am thankful for creative artists that know how to twist the notes and tunes around my heart. And if that ain't some cliche shit, I don't know what is. But I'm thankful. I'm truly thankful for the connection music makes not just individually, but communally. Music has given us an excuse to gather together this weekend. How could I not be thankful for that?

Here's to an amazing weekend and a beautiful Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

The other night, after finishing my Love Thursday entry, I got up and started clearing out the linen closet. I figured that I could make enough room in that closet for the things in the second medicine cabinet. The linen closet isn't the proper name for that space. Yes, there are linens in there, but there's also various toiletry things that are either not used often or spares for when I run out of what's in the bathroom. That closet has needed a clean out for a really long time. Making room for Michael was just a good excuse to do that. I pulled all of the things off from one shelf and at the very back was this little toiletry bag. It was the type of bag I might have carried in a purse or something because it contained things like tampons and chapstick and a little pill box. I started to just dump the whole thing in the trash, but then thought better of it. It was a good thing too because wedged down in the very bottom of that bag was my long lost scooter key. My hands started trembling as I pulled that key out of the bag and stood there in shock. I had been chatting with Chad via text off and on, so he was the first person I told.

I think most of you know the story of the scooter key and how I couldn't find it after Chris died. I had come to the conclusion that he'd hid it from me so that I wouldn't ride the scooter which had a bald back tire at the time. In fact I know he did because I would never have put my key into that bag. But another reason I believed that he hid the key was something he said to me during our nightly talks before he died. We were laying there laughing at the idea of me trying to get a 100 ft drain snake into the basement and then actually knowing what to do once I got it down there. He said "See? This is what worries me. You think you can do these things, but you can't". At first I was a little irritated, but then I heard the words he didn't say. What he meant to say was that I couldn't do those things on my own. He worried that I would wait until I had actually gotten myself in too deep before I would ask for help. Let's face it. It was a legitimate worry.

The lost scooter key has been a running gag for more than a year and then on the night before I announce to everyone that Michael is moving in, I find it. That key is so much more than a joke now. That key is a blessing. And OK...maybe I found that key because I was cleaning out crap. Maybe I found that key because I'd just made plans to finally replace it.( I should tell you that the key I've been using contains a special sensor. To replace that key would cost me $2500. That's not a typo. The spare key is only about $50 to replace.) It all depends on how you look at things. Me? Well...I see it as a pretty big sign. This week I am thankful for finding that key. I am thankful for the why and the when of finding that key. I am thankful for the blessing.

Something else I'm thankful for? You guys. I know you guys want me to be happy and I know you want good things for me. I don't know why I'm surprised by your wonderful words of encouragement and love, but sometimes, I am. It amazes me that I've been able to surround myself with such good people. I just keep thinking of Julie Andrews singing Something Good in the Sound of Music. Thank you.

Here's to a great Holiday Weekend but an even better Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Michael stayed over Monday night. This was the first time for him to stay on a "school night", which meant that we'd both be getting ready around the same time in the morning. Basically, it was our first morning routine test. This is what my morning routine looks like: wake up at 5:20 AM, drink a full glass of water, use the bathroom and jump in the shower, then I do the minimum requirements for looking presentable for work (makeup, hair, clean teeth), followed by an hour of yoga, breakfast and final dressing (change yoga pants for real pants) and then I'm out the door and on my way to work. My mornings are very organized (my life is pretty organized). I never hit the snooze button on the alarm (mostly because I can't stand to hear it go off again). Michael's alarm started going off at 5:00 AM, a loud rotary phone ring that I couldn't figure out how to stop. So the alarm would continue to sound off every fifteen minutes or so with Michael still snoring away. But, by the time I got onto my yoga mat and Michael made his way to the shower, everything kind of fell into place. We repeated the morning routine test Thursday morning and passed with flying colors. I have had a really hard time gaining control of any kind of routine ever since BlogHer '13. My home yoga practice has been sketchy. Weekly chore night? I don't even know what that is any more. I feel like I've done a poor job of learning how to incorporate a new person into this OCD inspired routine life of mine. This is the first week in a long time where I finally feel like I'm getting a grip. Yoga has happened every day. I have been on the treadmill every day. I have done chores. I have eaten good healthy food. And Michael has been right there in the middle of it all. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that I'm finally figuring out how to bend and give but at the same time take the time I need for me and my health. I am also thankful that we've been able to fall into a regular routine so easily together. I think that bodes well for the future.

What else? We've got sprouts coming up in the new Fall garden. All of the vehicles are getting oil changes this weekend. There's also been talk of a bike ride on Saturday. I have not ridden a bicycle in years. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time, but I'm thankful that I finally broke down and got a good bicycle. Oh! That reminds me. I'm thankful for all of you who have donated to Michael's fundraising page for the AIDS Bicycle Cruise. He's been amazed and wowed by the internet. I hope everyone has a truly wonderful weekend and a super Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tuesday morning was the first time I've been on my yoga mat in a week. And yes, I had to pause my practice a couple of time to blow my nose but dang it felt good to be on that mat and moving. I am finally feeling more like my normal self, despite this lingering cough. I am thankful to be back on my mat, thankful to get back on the treadmill, thankful to have enough energy to do more than just lay around on the couch. This is important because my yard, dear Lord my yard, was out of control. I started dinner Tuesday night with the intention of mowing the front yard while everything cooked. I hemmed and hawed around with Michael occasionally throwing "aren't you going to mow your yard?" in my direction, before I sighed heavily and mowed the front yard. Wednesday night I tackled the backyard. I didn't just mow. I pulled weeds around the garden and house. I turned the compost. I washed the lawnmower and an ice chest. By the time I was done, I was covered in grass and my jeans were soaked because you cannot clean a lawnmower without spraying yourself at least once with the water hose. I went to bed that night knowing I earned my session with Jeana the next day. Jeana has been using this new biomat on her massage table. It's full of amethyst crystals and woo-woo magic. I like laying on it even if it's woo-woo. As I laid there waiting for Jeana to come back into the room, I started thinking about all the times I found myself holding my breath this week. We had done arm balances in yoga class on Wednesday. I suck at arm balances. I know that part of the problem is that the minute I try to go into one, I stop breathing. So, in Wednesday's class, I held my breath. I held my breath as I cleaned microscope objectives. I held my breath as I waited impatiently at a stop light. I did a lot of breath holding this week. I'm thankful for that moment of realization that it's time to just sit back and breath. And that's exactly what I plan on doing this weekend.

I am thankful for lots of things this week. I'm thankful for the flowers Michael brought me on Tuesday. I am thankful for the peach preserves/jam that Chad and Jess sent me on Thursday. I am thankful the check engine light went off on my car after I put gas cleaner in the tank. And I'm always thankful for you. Here's to a wonderful weekend and a very Thankful Friday!

P.S. I'm still helping Michael raise funds for the AIDS Bicycle Cruise . Please give what you can.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have been fighting a sinus infection all week. It caused me to miss work on Tuesday and most of Wednesday. I thought I'd be able to function Wednesday, but after staring at my computer screen like a zombie for twenty minutes, I waved the white flag of defeat. I've reached the gross side of this thing where I feel better but sound like a fog horn. My decongestant doesn't let me sleep but it doesn't let me function normally either. So I took my last one Wednesday morning and fell asleep on my couch around two in the afternoon only to be startled awake by a knocking on my door at 2:30. But my thirty minute nap made me feel better. And even though I had to sleep with a kleenex shoved up one nostril, I slept completely through Wednesday night. So, instead of Mucinex-D, I've been dosing myself with homeopathic medicine like ColdCalm and grapefruitseed extract nasal spray. Yes, I may sound awful and may have spent a lot of time on Thursday mouth breathing, but at least I'm mouthing breathing with a clear head. I'll take it. I'll even be thankful for it. I will be spending this weekend with my family in Oklahoma. I haven't been home in months and even though this trip will not be for fun, I am still looking forward to seeing my family and being ensconced in their arms. I think we all need to hug each other right now. I am thankful that I am not so far from home. I know that there was always a plan to move to Portland and they may still be in the cards one day (who knows?). I am four hours away from my family now and I'm thankful for that because it makes it so much easier to just be there when I need to be there. I realize just how fortunate I am to be able to see them whenever I want. I know this is a luxury. I am thankful for that luxury.

I am thankful for so many things this week, but most importantly I'm thankful for you and your kind words, love and support. Happy Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

My sister-in-law lost her mother to cancer this week. She had been diagnosed shortly after Chris died. She fought the good fight for a year and a half. I talked to Katrina when it was time to think about bringing in hospice. She was struggling with the idea of it because her mom wasn't ready. She could still get up and do things and Katrina didn't want her mom to think she wanted her to die. But I also knew that Katrina was worried that she couldn't care for her mother the way she needed to. I knew this because I'd been there. I knew that the moments leading up to her death would be the hardest scariest time for Katrina. I knew that it would be like walking a tight rope over the Grand Canyon, a constant fight to keep balancing to keep from falling. I knew that her body would go to work and run through it's daily tasks, but her mind would be with her mom, worrying that she had fallen or was eating or, most importantly, not in pain. When we were told that our only choice was hospice, Chris didn't want it. The lead hospice nurse came to our house and I sat on the couch talking to her. Chris laid on the bed in the other room. He wanted no part of it. But I listened to what that woman had to say, things about not helping you to die, but helping you to live comfortably. And when I went in to the bedroom to talk to Chris about it, he told me "I'm not ready." Then I told him that I needed hospice. I needed it to be sure there would be someone that could take care of Chris better than I could. So he agreed. He agreed, not because it was good for him, but because it would be easier for me. He saw that it eased my mind knowing that someone could be there. These are the things that I told Katrina. These were my words of advice. It sucks that I have this knowledge, this experience at my age, but I am thankful that I could pass the things I know on to someone in a helpful way. I am thankful that the experience prepared me in some way to help someone else.

August is not an easy month for Katrina or the rest of my family. It is centered around loss and heartache. This just adds to Katrina's pile of loss, but Katrina and I are a lot alike. We're good at seeing the balance of loss and life. We both can see that even though we've had great loss, we have also gained great loves. I'm thankful for this and I'm thankful for the people that she has surrounding her with love and support. I'm thankful for those she has to lean on when it's just too much, because I get the idea of too much. And I'm thankful.

I am thankful for the many blessings I have in my life.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I'm sure you guys are wondering how dad is doing. I talked to my sister Wednesday night and I'm happy to report that dad seems a little better. At least he's not so weebly wobbly and his mood is better. Turns out, Dad has no idea how to take his medications. He was taking Lipitor and a generic version of Lipitor, essentially overdosing on cholesterol medication. He also has had type 2 Diabetes for almost two years now. He was taking medication for this, but not checking his glucose levels. In fact he didn't even own a glucometer until this week. These are all things we had no idea about. Dad refused to let any one go in to the doctors' office with him. Until now. Janell got onto both parents and some rules have been put in place to ensure that we all know what is going on and that takes his medication properly. So...I'm thankful that Dad is feeling better. I'm thankful that Janell could be there to help out. I'm thankful that we have a tiny bit more time to figure out what to do about my parent's living situation (the idea of moving them and cleaning out the house completely immobilizes me). But mostly I'm thankful that Dad is doing better. Really, that's the biggest thing of this week. I am thankful for the ease of this week. All things work and life related have run pretty smoothly. I have a new desk and work space at work that makes me happy. I had a nice dinner with Xander. I met with my massage therapist, Jeana, on Thursday. I didn't have to worry about meals for two whole days because someone else took care of that for me (I have more on this...later). Yoga has happened every day!

I am thankful...for all of it.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

When I got up Monday morning for work I realized that this would be the first full week I've worked in two weeks. My feet dragged a little bit that morning. But then I woke up and it was Friday and I had no idea what happened to this week.I never even got a chance to write a Love Thursday this week because by the time I finished the last post it was practically already next week (not really, but close). Where did this week go? I remember the events of only one day clearly. The rest of the days are smashed together in blurred images. That sure makes it hard to remember what I was thankful for this week. Despite the scatter brain and the squirrels, I have managed to get on my yoga mat every day this week. I haven't skipped a day on the treadmill. I've eaten (reasonably) well. I have done healthy things for my body which is pretty spectacular considering the crazy brain of my week. This is something I can be thankful for. This is something I can remember to be thankful for. Usually what happens during weeks like this one is my routine gets wrecked. I don't get on the mat. The daily walk is hit or miss. Food is crackers and avocados. But apparently I had enough of my wits about me this week to at least take care of myself physically. Go me! Actually sticking with my usual routine has helped calm some of that mind chatter. Another thing that has helped quiet things is disabling my dating profile. I've been off and on with the online dating thing and every time I disable my profile, I feel a weight lift from my shoulders. That's a pretty telling sign that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm thankful that weight is no longer there to cart around.

I've got a lot to be thankful for in this moment. The key is to actually stay put in this moment for a bit. Hope everyone has a great weekend, but a truly Thankful Friday.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I've been on a bit of a mini cleansing diet since I got back from Oklahoma. Not a huge change from what I usually eat during the week, just more green things like broccoli and kale (always kale). The other night I cooked Beluga lentils with quinao in ghee, coriander, fennel seeds, cumin and veggie broth. When the lentils and quinao were mostly cooked, I tossed in fresh broccoli and kale and then let them steam for a couple of minutes. I was not too enthusiastic while preparing this. The idea sounded blah, but I was being lazy and didn't feel like looking up a real recipe. But it was a surprisingly tasty meal. It reminded me of the kitchari I make, a simple dish of mung beans, rice and kale. Easy clean food. I made really poor food choices when I was visiting Amy. I ate lots of cheese pizza and junk. The morning of Amy's wedding, I went to Walmart to pick up something for us to eat on while we finished getting everything ready. I knew Amy wouldn't eat anything unless it was something she could pick up and shove into her mouth quickly, but I also wanted to put good food into our bellies. I had forgotten how hard this is to do in small towns like Duncan OK. They do not make it easy for you to make good food choices. When I told Matt and Amy that I just kept wandering around looking for the "organic foods" isle, they laughed at me. Even our regular grocery stores here have whole sections devoted to organic and whole foods. I kept looking for that kind of section at their Walmart, but it was nowhere to be found. Suddenly I was back in that place where I had to read labels and actually pay attention to what I was buying.

I am thankful I live in a place where I can easily make good food choices. In fact, it's so easy that it has made me a lazy food shopper. I don't spend hours in a grocery store reading labels or fretting about the price of a food item. I can remember wanting to use tempe in something but because it was $5 for a package at the health food store I would invent recipes that would get the most out of my purchase. That meant eating tempe everything that week. Now, at $2 a package, it's a no brainer. Not having to justify every purchase has really taken the stress out grocery shopping. No stress groceries means no stress eating, something I can be mentally and physically thankful for.

Speaking of stress free, I've booked a facial for myself today (because I'm trying to save money?). It's my treat for doing yard work and remembering to wear long sleeves while doing it (no poison ivy for me!). A friend at work recommended some Haagen Dazs gelato that I think will be on tonights menu. I might even go see a movie. This is turning out to be a more restorative weekend than the last. And that my friends is something to truly be thankful for today. Hope everyone has had a safe and fabulous Holiday.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I have met someone and before everyone gets all googly eyed and star-crossed over this, I unfortunately have to say it's probably over. I got the "it's not you, it's me" text yesterday morning. At first I was really really mad. I got mad for a number of reasons, the first of which was his decision to use text as his way to communicate important things regarding this relationship. I think that's a pretty cowardly move on his part. I got mad because his texts seemed so bi-polar to his actions. I got mad because he initiated all of this and then freaked out. But mostly I got mad because I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I liked him (still kind of do). I was mad at myself for liking this guy and falling for the whole googly eyed act. It made me feel like a schmuck. But then I thought "Wait! I feel something for a guy!". Up until this moment, I've pretty much felt nothing while on dates. I'd recoil and cringe on the inside whenever one of those guys touched me. I was beginning to think that there was something seriously wrong with me. Turns out, I'm not all dead on the inside. That's actually a good feeling to know. Yes...I'm disappointed and his rejection still kind of stings a bit but I know why he did it. Poor guy is scared and cowardice is a total turn off for someone like me. I tend to be pretty dang fearless. Also, I know more than most just how short life can be and how every moment is important. This is a lesson he hasn't had to really learn. I wish him luck (even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't ever read the blog) and I give him thanks. I'm grateful for his brief presence in my life because it showed me that I am capable of caring for another man. I'm grateful for those silly joyful feelings. Those feelings sure were fun while they lasted. See? There's an up side to everything and I'm grateful that I have the presence of mind to see this.

I'm also grateful to those who had to listen to me bitch and moan over this whole thing. You guys never fail in making me feel loved and supported. When I voiced that I had guilt for liking someone other than Chris, you guys jumped right in there to reassure me that all of these feelings were OK and valid. That really means the world to me. There's not a better feeling than knowing the people who love you have your back. All of you know how much it means to me to wish good things for you, but it feels pretty dang awesome to know that you want the same things for me. I am thankful for this.

So...here's to a restorative weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Friday evening, I started the car up after driving the scooter all week and the check engine light came on and then my stomach began to twist up in knots. I am driving to Oklahoma; actually I'm on the road right this minute heading in that direction. I could not make my trip with the check engine light on. Monday after work I drove way the heck out to the dealership, in bumper to bumper traffic and rain pouring down in buckets. The guy I gave my car to was unnerved by my neighborhood and the thought of me riding the scooter. So he arranged a loaner car for me, a car I was not used to driving and bigger than the one I was used to driving. By the time I made it home that evening, all of my muscles were drawn up into a tight ball and my eye was twitching. Then I began to fret over what might be wrong with my car. What if whatever was wrong was not covered by the warranty? When the mechanic told me about the possible charges if it wasn't something warranty related, I almost threw up. I thought "there goes my savings". Tuesday, they called to say that everything was fine. There was a misfire error and they took care of it. No worries. The whole point of getting the new car with a warranty was meant to ease a little stress and worry. The problem is I am not used to the idea of a warranty. I've never had the luxury. I am so thankful that there was nothing major wrong with the car and I'm super thankful that I didn't have to pay for anything to fix the car. I am also that the car is not something I will be worrying about while I'm on my trip. During the same time I was fretting about my car, Talaura was in New York fretting about signing on her new apartment. She still has things to fret about with all the moving and getting settled in the new place, but one thing she no longer needs to worry about is where she is going to live. Remember last week when I talked about wanting good things for the people I love? Well...this is a good thing I have been wishing on for Talaura for over a year now. One night, not to long ago, I was tipsy texting to Talaura. I just happened to be in my backyard when I saw a shooting star. I wished that night Talaura would get her apartment. I kept that a secret until I talked to her after she closed on Monday. I know she still has lots and lots to do and I know that it is all very stressful for her, but I am so happy that she has this space of her own. I am thankful that she has this space of her own.

I've already mentioned that I am on my way to Oklahoma. I am headed to Duncan for a wedding because Amy is getting married. I almost can't believe that she's getting married but I'm thankful that she has found someone that she wants to marry. I'm thankful for Roger being the guy that made Amy want to get married again. If that even makes sense. I'm thankful for their happiness and I can't wait to celebrate with them. I am thankful for the brief snippets of time that I will get to spend with my friends in OK. I am even looking forward to Oklahoma heat. I have plenty to be thankful for this week. I'm thankful I got my yard mowed before it rained. I am thankful for someone cooking me dinner so I wouldn't have to worry about food while gathering things for my trip. I am thankful for a few days of vacation. And...well...I'm always thankful for you.

Here is to a glorious weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

One time dad was doing one of his long drives from Wyoming and he made it to Kansas City around noon. He came by work and I gave him the keys to my house with strict instructions for him to take a nap. He mowed my yard. He mowed the front and backyard after I told him specifically not to. He said he closed his eyes for a few minutes and then he told me I'd bought the wrong mower. He said something about four wheel drive and I stopped listening but that's the thing with dad. The thing that I will remember most about my dad is his obsession with lawns and lawn mowers. The last time I was home, we were walking around the yard and dad kept talking about how high the grass in his yard was already getting and he had just mowed a few days ago. He said when he shut the mower off he kept hearing this strange noise and he thought maybe something was wrong with his mower. Then he said "I know what that sound was". And I fell for it. I asked "What was it?" and then he said with a completely straight face "it was the sound of the grass growing." Wamp wamp. I'm thankful for my dad. I'm thankful for his goofy sense of humor and his tall tales. I am thankful for his willingness to help and his surprise visits. There are other things to be thankful for this week, but dad is the most important even though I am thankful for him everyday. Chad called earlier this week to tell me the funniest story that doesn't even translate to written word. Let's face it. There's so much about Chad that doesn't translate to written word. He's one you have to see to believe. But he also told me about the plans he and Jess are making for their future. They are plans that make me happy and happy for them. And this makes me thankful. It reminds me of something Chris said to Talaura once about how we just want good things for our friends. I want good things for you and I am thankful when those good things happen.

Jill sent goodies with Jeff to work this week. I am so thankful for those chocolate chip cookies. I am also thankful that Jill likes to bake. I am this close to finishing up a troublesome project at work. After countless set backs, I've finally made some progress and this is something I'm very thankful for. I'm thankful for the great weather we've had here. Xander came and helped me paint my office over the weekend and though I'm really thankful for his help (that boy didn't even need a step stool), I am even more thankful for the time we had to just talk to each other. Also, I love my purple room. I'm thankful for the fresh mint growing like crazy in the garden. I am thankful for you.

Here's to a grand weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Tuesday morning, I hit the snooze button on the alarm four times before finally giving in and shutting the whole thing off. I slept in until 6:30 and considered calling in sick or late or something because I was sleeping so well. But at 6:30, I figured I was awake and decided that I was actually ready to get up. And I ended up not even being late to work. I just hadn't realized how poorly I've been sleeping since the latest poison ivy outbreak. I even managed to get on my yoga mat that evening. In fact this has been a good week for my usual routine. I've been on my mat everyday. I've walked everyday. I've eaten well everyday. I've sat down for an evening meditation practice everyday. I have even felt almost whole everyday. Almost is good enough. I am a prideful person. I always feel like I may be giving up when I give in and ask for help, but I am learning. I am learning to swallow some of that pride. Sometimes that means accepting the fact that I need a pack of Prednisone every now and then. [Side note: my doctor had it in his notes that I was in at almost exactly the same time last year with the same poison ivy problem.] I am thankful for this. I am thankful for the rest and the routine.

Wednesday was an angry day. Everything about that day made me so dang angry. But it wasn't just me having a Hulk moment. Other friends confessed their rage to me thru out the day and at some point the level of irritation became something to laugh at. Our anger grew into something funny. We were no less irritated with the events of the day, but at least we were laughing about it. There's a relief in still being able to find the humor during those times when life just isn't all that great. I am extremely thankful for that.

I'm thankful for those few days (maybe just two) of clear weather so I could ride the scooter. I am thankful for busy work days. I am thankful for the leftover paint in my garage so I can paint the hallway and if I'm going to be honest with you, I'm probably painting that office this weekend too. I am thankful for all the salad I'm going to eat next week because the lettuce in the garden is out of control. And, as always, I am thankful for you.

Here's to a wonderfully Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I spent two hours on my yoga mat on Monday. At one point, I was in a wide-leg forward fold and I put my head on the floor. Then I lifted my legs up into a headstand just like Cirque du Soleil acrobat. I stayed in headstand for a bit before coming back down into wide-leg forward fold. And then I started laughing. The kind of laughing that makes it impossible to really do anything else but laugh. Also, I'd left my Pandora Playlist playing on the TV and there were moments during my practice when I had to take a dance break. The routine looked something like this: sun salutation stepping back right foot, coming back into tadasana, dance break, sun salutation stepping back left foot, coming back into tadasana, dance break. And then there was the laughing. If I had been in a normal classroom, the teacher would have asked me to leave. If I had had a student in my class like this, I would have encouraged the rest of the class to join in. I have never taken my yoga practice seriously. Well...that's not true. I have taken the act of actually stepping on the mat and doing the practice seriously, but not the actual poses. I take care to do the poses in a way that is safe for my body but it is not a practice that makes me set my facial muscles into rigid concentration mode. I am thankful that I have a practice that makes me laugh, not at myself but at the shear act of taking that moment to pretend to be my very own circus act. Well...I have tendency to be a walking circus act even when I'm not on my mat, but I'm thankful for those intentional moments of circus stardom.

Wednesday, Jill sent Jeff into work with a tub of left over Nutella icing just for me. He handed over while I was standing in front of the microwave heating up my lunch. I didn't even wait. I pulled off that lid and dug my spoon in. Jeff looked at me standing there with the container in one hand and a spoonful of icing in my mouth, chocolate on my fingers and said "I think that's the happiest I've seen you in weeks". I grinned a messy toddler worthy grin. Maybe all I needed was some Nutella icing. Forget Vitamins. Maybe I should start my day with icing. I'm thankful that Jill thought to send that tub of icing.

And I'm thankful for you. Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Thursday morning, while I was in the middle of my yoga practice, I thought "wouldn't it be nice to have two hours for my yoga practice instead of just an hour and 20?". I wanted more time on the mat. This was surprising because just the act of getting my butt up and onto the mat these mornings has been a practice unto itself. Getting up at 5:20 AM happens with a grumble and a strong urge to press "snooze". If I didn't get up at 5:20, I would not have an hour and twenty minutes to spare for my yoga practice. And even though there are days when I feel like I want ALL the poses and spend the day on my mat, I am thankful for the time that I do spend in my practice. I'm thankful I have a mat to practice on. There's a lot to be grateful for this week. I'd like to think that I am not one of those people who needs a tragedy to remind them of the things they are grateful for. Trust me. It doesn't take a tornado to remind me that I am thankful for a solid roof over my head. I am thankful for this every day. But I do have framily that live and work in the areas recently hit and I am thankful that they also have a solid roof over their heads and I am thankful that they are all safe. I am thankful for every child that was pulled from the rubble alive. I am thankful for every teacher that did everything in their power to protect their students. I am thankful for the outpouring of help and support that has been sent in that direction.

I am thankful for the lettuce that is coming up in my garden. I am thankful for snippets of time I've had with friends this week. I am thankful for a long weekend. But most importantly, I am thankful for you.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Wednesday night, as I laid on the couch watching TV, my stomach started to feel a little queasy and I got so excited about the prospect of having to stay home with the stomach flu. There's something fundamentally wrong with that way of thinking. But then it dawned on me that this is the week before that week, the one no one likes to mention or discuss above a whisper because we just don't talk about our periods. Oops. I said periods. The week before is always the worst part for me. I get real lethargic and run the gambit of emotions. Thursday I got teary while watching Glee as I walked on the treadmill. It was a complete manic moment where I walked jauntily along to the tunes of Stevie Wonder while wiping off tears of relief that Kirk's Dad is cancer free. I am thankful that Kirk's dad is OK, but I also think I need a vacation. This is what I want for the weekend. I want to go to a yoga class and the City Market. I haven't been to the City Market in ages. I know that at this time of year it will be full of new plants and life and joy and hopefully sunshine. I want to hang clothes on the line and make ghee. I want a day where I don't wear pants or open my mouth to speak. I want to lounge on a blanket outside and color in my creative journal. I want to tie-dye a t-shirt. I want to drink shandy and ride the scooter, but not in that order because it is not safe to drink and drive the scooter or any vehicle. I want a vacation weekend and that's exactly what I am giving myself. I am thankful that I can do all of those things this weekend or none of them if I choose to.

We cannot forget that this weekend is also Mothers' Day weekend. I am so thankful for my mom, but I am also thankful for all of the women in my life that have been a mother-figure to me. Katrina has been mistaken as my mom often enough and she played a large role in helping to raise me into the woman I am today. Simply put, I am thankful for her.

And...I'm thankful for you. Here's to the promise of a beautiful weekend and a truly Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

I've been doing this thing a lot lately where I start to panic about what bills to pay when at what payday as well as keeping track of dates of up coming events like Mother's Day, weddings, BlogHer (finally bought my airline ticket), concert(s) and OMG!Ireland. I have nothing written down in one place. That's not true. I still use a budget sheet for the bills, but everything else is scattered here and yonder. My sister's stepson, Christopher, is getting married in a few weeks and I plum forgot to mail in my RSVP, until my sister sent me a text earlier this week.  It's been sitting on my kitchen table for WEEKS! Any way numbers are swirling about in my brain having gang wars these days and I need to get them under control. I bought one of those big desk calendars where you can write on the days. I thought I would do better if I had one place where I had things written down and could physically see what those days would look like financially and socially.  I was really proud of myself for this idea, but when I ripped open the calender, I discovered that the calendar doesn't start until July. So...I'll get my shit together in July. It was a good thing Janell reminded me about that wedding because for some reason I thought it was the same weekend as Mother's Day. I figured two birds, one stone. Turns out that theory is incorrect. The wedding is the weekend AFTER Mother's Day. I can't afford to make two trips to Tulsa in the same month and I started fretting about letting Mom down on Mother's Day. Then I remembered that this is a First Friday weekend. That means art walks and food trucks. It means that the antique markets in West Bottoms are open and as a bonus, the Brookside Art festival is this weekend. These are all things my mom loves. I did not have to twist her arm to get her to come see me this weekend at all. I am thankful that we will have this weekend of things to do and selfishly, I am thankful that I will have this time with Mom without any other obligations, despite the fact that the weather keeps acting like it's mad at us.

This week I have ridden the scooter and slept with the windows open. Wednesday morning, I laid in bed for a few minutes before getting up to start my day, just listening to the birds talk to each other outside. That afternoon I walked outside to take a picture of one of our fountains. It was so warm outside that I had to take off my sweater. And then it all went to poop. It was snowing while I typed this entry. Big snow globe snowflakes. I think it's about time Mother Nature booked herself a stint in the Betty Ford Clinic. I am thankful that I took the time on Wednesday to enjoy the warmth and to be outside.

I am thankful for a package of seeds that came from Suebob (that gets it's own entry). I am thankful for finding creativity when I didn't plan my Thursday meal well (zucchini, mushrooms, tofu and pasta...that's what I had to work with). And I am always thankful for you.

Here's to a great weekend and a very Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

This week was one of those weeks where the alarm would go off at the usual 5:20 AM time and my first thought would be "I don't want to get up and do yoga today." I gave into that thought on Tuesday. Wednesdays I go to a class after work, so it was OK to give into that thought. Thursday morning I added excuses to that thought. My hip hurt. My ankle was sore. But then I threw back the covers and got up any way. There is a joy that I find from being on the mat. My Wednesday night yoga teacher always makes a note about the smile on my face as I do my practice. I noticed that this happens every time I get on my yoga mat. Even on those mornings when I think I don't want to be there. I am not just thankful for the practice, though it did make my hip and ankle less achy. I am thankful for the joy that it brings me and the sense of grace and beauty as I move from pose to pose. My days and evenings have been filling up lately. I am busy with work and busy staying on track with my usual routine. And I don't see things slowing down any time soon. For once, I think I'm really OK with this. Part of that is because, even though I'm busy with other things, I am still taking time to maintain my usual routine. I'm still taking that time in the mornings to fill my heart with joy. It's amazing how this makes my days go by easier. Toss in a bit of sunshine and warmer temperatures and I am content.

I am thankful for my scooter ride on Thursday. I am thankful that Salvation Army could come and take away my failed garage sale. I am thankful that I have sold both bicycles. I am thankful for the sprouts I spied in the garden yesterday. I am thankful for the promise of gorgeous weather this weekend. I am thankful for my new pink shirt that's covered in little white elephants. I am thankful that someone (it was Chad) called me skinny this week. And I am super duper, forever grateful for each and everyone of you.

Happy Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Today's Thankful Friday is going to get rambley. There's just a lot to be thankful for this week especially with all that's happened in Boston. I went ahead and signed up to have $10 taken out every month to go to a project at Donors Choose. I usually defer to Talaura as to what project we should help because if we all put our money into the same project and get it funded, we could work on a new project the next month. She said that we should try to find a running or music related project in or around Boston. Since we both feel that music is a great healing tool, we came up with this project. One of the things that has warmed my heart this week is seeing the teacher leave thank you comments to every single person who has donated to her project so far. I am so thankful to those who donated. I didn't want to post too much about this because I'm still fundraising for the AIDS Walk and I don't want to ask for too much. After April I'll get back into the habit of promoting one project a month. But I am so thankful for your support and I'm thankful for the joy and happiness it brings me to do something good.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will." -Patton Oswalt

I thought getting back on the treadmill to run would be difficult after missing a week. I figured that I would need to go back to week one in the program and just start over. The first day back I went ahead with my scheduled Day 2 of Week 2 and it really wasn't a struggle. The only problem I had that day was getting into a good rhythm. I just felt off and not as comfortable, but the next day everything fell into place. As soon as the timer chimed for me to start running, I did so with a smile on my face. I am still surprised that running is something that I want to do and that it's something that brings me joy. I am thankful for this and thankful for the time I've had on my yoga mat every day this week.

Amy arrives tonight and even though we will be busy putting together a garage sale and other things, I am just thankful for the chance to see her face. I have missed her. I want to hear all of her news, all of her stories. I don't think I'd even attempt a garage sale if she wasn't willing to do this with me. We've been promised sunshine on Saturday, something I haven't seen all week. I am thankful for this rain but I am sure looking forward to some sun.

Thankful, thankful, thankful for all of it. Here's to a hopeful weekend and a very Thankful Friday!

THANKFUL FRIDAY

On Monday, I had my visit with the breast surgeon. She decided that it would be best to try to aspirate fluid from the cysts and maybe take some tissue for biopsy. I have been loathe to write about any of it because I have family that will read this and start freaking out and screaming and gnashing teeth and I'd have to be all "calm the fuck down people!". So I've been sitting here with this secret worry all week waiting until I had answers before saying anything. Having a needle and something about the size of an ice pick that sucks out a "core sample" shoved into your boob is pretty fucking scary. I wasn't too worried because I'm really healthy (perfect vital signs) and there's no history of breast cancer in my family. Tissue samples more often than not come back normal and the odds are in my favor. This was confirmed Wednesday, when the doctor called to tell me everything came back "normal" and I was just fine. I felt everyone release that breath they'd been holding for the last three days. The down side is that this type of procedure is not without pain. I'm pretty dang sore. There's been no yoga, no running all week. I walked Wednesday on the treadmill and made it about 15 minutes before my left side started to throb. I pushed through because I felt like I needed to move, but it left me achy for the rest of the day. But each day I get up a little easier, so I know it's healing. I am thankful today for my health. I am thankful for cysts just being cysts. I am thankful that everyday, I hurt a little less and that I'll be pretty close to normal by next week. Every evening I've felt a little guilty for just being still on the couch, but then I'll do something as simple as sneeze and I am reminded of why I need to be still on the couch (yes...it hurts to sneeze...or laugh). I am thankful of these reminders to slow down and to have patience with myself.

Other things to be thankful for? I finally got around to ordering seeds and last week I turned the soil in the raised beds. With each shovel of dirt turned, I saw at least two handfuls of worms. I'm ready to put those seeds into the ground. I am thankful the weather has finally turned into a direction where I can do that. I am thankful for a weekend that will be a blend of chores and fun. I am thankful for the haircut I have scheduled on Saturday because I'm this close to taking scissors to my own hair (we all know that's a bad idea). And You know what? I am particularly thankful for all of you guys today. Here's to an excellent weekend and a perfect Thankful Friday!

*P.S. Don't forget! I have two weeks left to raise money for the AIDS Walk KCMO. Any thing you give is SOOOOOO appreciated, you have no idea.