THANKFUL FRIDAY

1/52 A new 52 week project begins.

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For every year we’ve been together, Michael has struggled with what to put in my Christmas stocking. I am not much of a snacker or candy eater. I’m never sitting on the couch and suddenly say something like “I want Reese’s Pieces!” I’m pretty hard to buy snacks or candy for because chances are it just won’t get eaten. I’m not purposefully depriving myself. I’m just usually not a snacker. Snacking is like my Coke-a-cola cravings. Sometimes I think I really want a Coke. Then I’ll take three or four sips of it and be done. Those baby cans of soda where made for people like me and sometimes I don’t even finish one of those. Surprising me with things in my stocking is not an easy task. Michael’s done a great job at changing his mindset on what goes into a Christmas stocking. Usually he gets me some nice almonds and a really good chocolate bar. I can make a really good candy bar last for more than a week. This year I got fire roasted crickets, which is funny because I also got him some fire roasted crickets. Neither of us have been brave enough to open these up and give them a go.

Last year, Michael put a desktop sand garden in my stocking. I took that little garden to work and then decided it would make a great photography project. By this time, I had completed my 365 day project and was so over the idea of doing another one. I just didn’t have it in me to commit to a picture every day, but I looked at my little Zen sand garden and thought “what about a picture a week?” A picture a week seemed like less of a commitment and still kept my toes in the creativity pool. So, once a week for the entire year of 2019, I took a few minutes to draw in the sand or not draw in some cases. I carefully took a picture of my creation and posted it to an album in Flickr. The album did not garner much attention in the Flickr community. Some times I would share a photo on Instagram if I really liked what I had done, but really the project was mostly just for me. In fact Michael wasn’t even really aware I had been doing this until I posted my very last picture in the project.

This year, Michael stuck a Buddha Board in my stocking. He said that when he realized I had turned my Zen sand garden into a photo project that I would need something new for 2020. Michael thought that the Buddha Board would be a good for this. And he’s right. Michael does a really good job with providing me with tools that help feed my creativity. I have played around with both the Buddha board and Zen garden when they were on display in various stores and every time I have thought about how fun it would be to have one of these on my desk. Yet, I never purchased one. The Fortune Cookie journal is another one of things that I never would have purchased for myself. I would have picked it up int he store and flipped through the pages while thinking about projects, but that would have been it. I have a hard time spending money on things like this for myself. Maybe they seem to frivolous for me to purchase or I just feel like it is wasteful to spend money on myself in this way. But Michael does not see it that way.

I am thankful for his field of view that differs from my own. I am thankful for his ability to see something and think “I bet Cindy could do something really fun and creative with that.” I am thankful for the way he encourages my creativity. I’m pretty sure he believes more in my creative talents than I do.

AT LOOSE ENDS

Tiny bouquet

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Michael asked me the other day how I felt about not doing a 365 day project any more. I told him that it feels a little bit strange. Every single day for the last year, I took a moment out of my day to photograph myself. During the week, those moments usually happened in the mornings while I was out on my morning coffee walk. My backdrop was either a stairwell or some place outside. On most days I did not have an elaborate plan or idea; I just took a picture. Sometimes these were pictures of my hands. Sometimes these were pictures of my feet. My favorite one of the set is the one I took of just my leg and boot against the gray background of the stairwell. One could assume that I was doing a karate kick or a dance step. It has a simple minimalist aesthetic quality that appeals to me for some reason.

Some time around late October, I got really tired of the daily self portrait. I had not gained any insight into myself or built creativity. My eyes still went to the places on my body that I felt needs improvement instead of just seeing myself as beautiful. I mean, it wasn’t a complete bust. There were photos where I’d look at myself and think “wow, I’ve gotten skinny!” or “I really like how the gray streaks through my hair like highlights.” But I soon grew tired of myself and the day to day of it wore on me so much so that I did not want to continue with a 365 day project for this year. I didn’t even think about the project the day after taking the final picture until I was almost done with my morning coffee walk. I paused for a moment thinking I’d missed a turn or something before I remembered that this was my usual time of day for taking a photo.

I kind of don’t know what to do with myself.

I entered 2019 with out any sort of plan or intention. This might sound freeing to some people. The year is just one big open blank book to be filled with what ever fantastical idea I decide to fill it up with. A big blank open page. I am not the kind of person who thinks any of this sounds freeing. I don’t make up a detailed weekly meal plan every week because I’m being budget minded and trying to prevent food waste. I do it because if I don’t plan out the meals, dinner time will be chaos. Like tuna straight out of the can on saltines chaos. Though being budget minded and reducing food waste is also a good reason for the meal plan. If I don’t have some idea of a plan, my life tumbles into chaos and disorder. Which again, some people may thrive from chaos and disorder. I can tell you that this is the worst time of year for me to not have a creative project to distract myself from all the yuck that bubbles up inside me during the winter months. The winter is also when I feel the least motivated to do anything but curl up in a blanket while wearing my heated unicorn slippers.

I’m doing my best not to rush something. Recently, I sat down and wrote an outline for a book idea. I have the same story half written in a half a different ways floating around in various formats on my computer. I thought maybe writing an outline would give me focus and help to start pulling things together. It is giving me some direction and I have even spent a couple of hours writing on this project this week. I don’t want to set myself up for failure by saying this will be the year I write a book, but maybe this will be the year I get closer to writing that book. Maybe this year I focus more on writing and just a little bit on photography. I have started a new photography project, but it’s a photo a week. I’m calling it Project Zen. Michael gave me a desk top Zen garden and once a week I spend some time smoothing out the sand. Then I drag the rake through to make a design and carefully drop in the tiny rocks. Once I’ve finished, I take a photo. It’s a much more relaxed photo project, more like photo meditation.

I recognize that having some free time might not be so bad either; that facing the yuck instead of distracting myself from it would be a more mentally healthy approach to life. Maybe this year I can do a little of both.

GOODBYE HELLO

I got up for another cup of coffee. When I came back, she curled right back up in this spot on my lap. She's mine and I'm her's

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I took down all of our Holiday decorations yesterday along with doing some normal Saturday things. I got up early and went grocery shopping. Then I stopped by Anthropologie to spend my Christmas gift card. I walked in to find that all sale items were an additional 40% off, which meant that I could buy these really cute denim over-alls and the softest sweater with frilly sleeves. I went home to collect Michael for the rest of our errands and then we spent the evening on the couch. Today has been much of the same. Sunday has been just like every Sunday with CBS Sunday Morning, a dog in my lap and a cup of coffee in my hand. I scrubbed the bathroom and the kitchen. I even scrubbed all my jewelry. Michael vacuumed while I put clean sheets on the bed. Then we watched more TV. 

It's the last day of 2017 and I've spent the whole day in pajamas. Later on, Michael will make Pad Thai and we'll eat while watching a movie. After a week of traveling and visiting friends and family in Oklahoma, we've opted for a New Year's Eve homebody celebration. The temperatures here are part of the reason we decided to stay in tonight. That, and I've also agreed to teach a yoga class in the morning. But really, it is too cold outside. The chickens have only left the roosting box for a minute to get a drink of water. I went out to feed them and nearly lost all of my fingers to frost bite. Right now my weather app says that it feels like minus seventeen outside. There's a lot of swearing any time I have to go out to the garage to get to the washer and dryer in the basement.  

I don't regret our choice for the evening. I'm glad I spent the day cleaning. It feels nice to know that we will be starting out the year with a clean house. It just feels nice to be starting a new year. Most of the time, I am ambivalent to moving from one year into the next. Of course there have been years I couldn't have said goodbye fast enough to, as if the idea of moving from one year to the next actually removes all the strife and grief from the previous year. Even then, I have made the transition from those bad years into the new year with apprehension and a wish that the new year is at the very least not as bad as the previous. The strife and grief doesn't change just because the planet got a year older. 

It is funny how this time of year makes us all a little bit more reflective and ambitious. We all take a moment to look back at the good and bad of the year. Then we all make plans for the next. Those plans often involve becoming better versions of ourselves: skinnier, healthier, more organized, more outgoing. I wake up with those very same plans every morning. If I were to make any kind of plan for this new year, it would be to finish a project. Any project. I've become the worst about starting things and just leaving them to sit and fester. I'd like to break that cycle in 2018. That is one of the reasons I'm thinking of doing another 365 Day photography project. The other reason is to remind myself to not just be content with this body, but to love this body. I do want more for 2018 than to simply finish a project. I look forward to the new joys and adventures to come in the next year, but I am content with that one resolution/wish.