IT'S 2026

It’s 2026 and I never even really celebrated the good things from 2025. I pulled some photos together to start making a year in pictures video to share, but I came across too many pictures that made me cry, like the last picture of Mom as a coherent, mobile human being. 2025 was depressing as fuck and thank the goddesses that I have Jenn constantly reminding me that January is for hibernation or I’d already be in a panic about 2026. It’s hard not to be in a panic about 2026 and that’s without even considering any personal goals (ie resolutions). All of us were hoping we would just move quietly into the new year, instead the year chose Wrecking Ball for a theme.

Meanwhile, I am being commercially bombarded with ways to lose weight, the healthiest meal kits and how I can organize/micromanage my life. It’s easy to let myself think that I’ve creeped into this new year without any thoughts on what it is I want for this year. This simply is not true. I just know that January is not the time to start new projects. Particularly this January where I’ve had commitments scheduled since well before the new year, like the fifty something slides I’m supposed to image for a project. I’m chaperoning a gaggle of teenagers from Michael’s school for a thespian conference this week. So I have two days to image fifty four slides before I spend the rest of the week herding kids from point A to point B. I am also scheduled to image more slides next week, plus make time for the orthodontist, the chiropractor and taking Josephine to the groomers. Then I leave Friday for a quick overnight trip to see my mom. I’ll be home in time for Family Dinner on Sunday.

Like I said, I have goals for this year. I’m just not ready to start working on them.

For the last four nights, Michael and I have looked at each other at the same time, usually around 8:30 PM and confessed to each other that we would not make it to 9:00. I have started melting on the couch at 8:00 every evening, forcing myself to stay awake at least until 8:30. Last night, as Michael was putting me to bed, I asked “Why am I so sleepy?!?!” He shrugged and replied “I don’t know. Maybe this is who we are now.” Part of me thinks that’s fine. I’ve always been an early to bed early to rise person, but this feels a bit extreme even for me. While I know that I will eventually get back to my usual sleeping schedule, jumping right back into work has not been helpful.

So if I had to come up with a word for myself for the year, I think it would be ‘patience’.

The first thing I need to do is be patient with myself. Then, I need to really look at my daily calendar. Where am I wasting time? How can I make room for the things I really want to be doing, without quitting my job? What would my schedule look like if I actually set a goddamn boundary instead of always saying “Sure, I can do that now!”? That’s how I end up with multiple things at the same time on my calendar. This is also the reason my yoga practice went to trash. I said ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’ and wedged myself out of the picture. This is also how I ended up chaperoning teenagers, but if I just have a little bit of patience and grace with myself, I think I can manage to say ‘yes’ less often.

For now, I’m leaning into January as my hibernation time.

CRASHING TO AN END

Camouflaged snail

7 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Camouflaged snail"

I realize that it is not even December. I mean, it will be December by the end of this week, but right now it is still November. We have a whole month left in this year and I shouldn’t be rushing ahead. Except my brain is totally rushing ahead and I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish next year. I had only one thing that I wanted for this year and that was to complete a project. Any project. I’m thirty something days away from completing my 365 Day photo project that I have been posting daily on Flickr. I am going to complete a project this year. Also, I’ve been saying for years how I need to clean out the basement and pair down. I’ve just stopped putting this down as a resolution because every year I fail miserably at this. I might get one corner cleaned out only to fill it up with crap again. Sure, it took a major basement flood to get this goal accomplished, but by golly, that basement is clean and we have way less stuff.

These accomplishments have inspired me to start thinking about doing stuff. I’m not quite sure what stuff I want to do, but I want to do some stuff.

I think that on the top of my list of things to do next year is to expand my photography skills and build up a portfolio. Maybe even take a class or two. Someone in the office said to me in regards to our California trip that I must have taken a lot of pictures. Really, after sitting down to upload and edit, I did not end up taking very many pictures. I had even debated before the trip whether I should even bother bringing my Nikon with me. In the end, I decided to pack it and then I did make an effort to use it. That first morning at the cabin, I was awake before everyone. I snuck out of the cabin with my camera and went for a walk. The sun was just coming up and the air was crisp. I thought I might try to make my way to Tamales Bay, but it was further away than it looked. I walked the winding road far enough to reach a place where I could at least see the bay and was rewarded with light from the sun peaking up over the hills and filtering through the clouds.

Later on, we all hiked out to Kehoe Beach. I took some pictures there that I am really happy with and that evening I captured a picture of the moon that I’m pretty proud of. The camera stayed in my bag for the rest of the trip because it ended up raining on us for most of Friday. We spent the day in the cabin, playing games and telling stories. I knew that I wanted to stop on the north side of the Golden Gate Bridge on our way back to the airport. So I just let the photography slide to the way side in order to just be present in the moment. When Michael pulled our car off the highway and up to a parking space that overlooked the bridge, there was already a line of photographers set up at the look out. Serious photographers. They all had big fancy lenses and tripods. I got out of the car with my dinky Nikon and thought “what the Hell am I doing?” I was a joke. I closed my eyes and took a breath. When I opened them, I looked out at the Golden Gate Bridge, fog rolling in and the sunlight filtering down. We were high enough to be above the fog and the sunlight filtering through that fog made the water sparkle. It was blindingly beautiful.

And I captured it all on my dinky little Nikon.

I want more of this for 2019. I want to feel less intimidated and I want to feel more confident in my own abilities to capture beautiful moments. I want to accept that part of me that is an artist.

THANKFUL FRIDAY

Fish face

6 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Fish face"

I don't know why January first is the day we all resolve to do something. I am hardly ever ready to make my resolutions at that time, let alone get started on them. I always end up coming up with a list of the usual suspect resolutions: lose weight, get in shape, eat better, meditate, get organized. Except all of those things are my forever resolutions. Year in and year out, I am always resolving to be skinnier and fitter. I am always resolving to declutter and get organized. It is not like I don't ever work towards those resolutions. I do. I work hard. So I don't know why I continue to put them down as resolutions other than I have nothing better to write down. I think this is because January is just the wrong time of the year to feel motivated to create change.

Inspiration for change always comes to me in the Spring. It starts as a bubble that sits in my chest like indigestion. This is probably why I get so cranky towards the end of winter, when it should already be Spring, but for some stupid weather reason, it is still snowing. My inspiration comes with the budding of new growth. Almost a month ago, Facebook asked me if I wanted to repost a picture I had taken from that time a year ago. The image was of all the redbuds blooming with light purple and white blooms. Those trees just now look like that today. They are a month behind from when they bloomed last year. Up until very recently, they have sat with the tinniest hints of buds waiting for more warmth and more sun. That bubble of inspired indigestion has been sitting in wait, right along with them. 

I don't know. Maybe it has been the scooter rides this week or a good session with Dr. Mary. Maybe it has something to do with all those little walk breaks outside. Maybe all I needed to cure the indigestion was a little vitamin D, but I finally feel like I can make a New Year's Resolution that is not as open ended as those I have made before. That resolution has to do with this blog. I've already written out an outline of changes that I want to make to this space. I'd like to add a shop where I sell prints and maybe yoga classes. I've taken some pictures recently that made me finally believe that I could possibly sell something or I have produced something worthy enough to put a price tag on them. There are changes coming to Flickr that might make it easier for me to do this. I would also like to find a way to film myself teaching some yoga classes, like a yoga for beginners series, and post them for a downloadable price. Besides the addition of the shop, I would like to have some consistent postings other than a Thankful Friday post. I'd like to post some creative writing, maybe putting the Fortune Cookie diaries here and I'd like to add some writing on yoga. Mostly I just wanted to make some changes here.

This week I am thankful for New Year's resolutions that come in the spring. I am thankful for the inspiration to make some changes. Obviously, I am also thankful that Albus is home and not out there somewhere 'sleeping' in a brown paper bag. I am thankful for scooter days and warm weather. We impulsively booked a campsite for this weekend in hopes of de-winterizing the camper and it looks like the weather is going to be perfect. So, that's something to easily be grateful for.

And as usual, but particularly this week, I am thankful for you. 

P.S. You can still report Scott Pruitt for environmental violations. Just go to https://www.epa.gov/home/forms/contact-epa and click on the button that says 'report a violation'. Type in Scott Pruitt for the violator and enter the address for the EPA. That address is 1200 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W. Washington, DC 20460.

GOODBYE HELLO

I got up for another cup of coffee. When I came back, she curled right back up in this spot on my lap. She's mine and I'm her's

4 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "I got up for another cup of coffee. When I came back, she curled right back up in this spot on my..."

I took down all of our Holiday decorations yesterday along with doing some normal Saturday things. I got up early and went grocery shopping. Then I stopped by Anthropologie to spend my Christmas gift card. I walked in to find that all sale items were an additional 40% off, which meant that I could buy these really cute denim over-alls and the softest sweater with frilly sleeves. I went home to collect Michael for the rest of our errands and then we spent the evening on the couch. Today has been much of the same. Sunday has been just like every Sunday with CBS Sunday Morning, a dog in my lap and a cup of coffee in my hand. I scrubbed the bathroom and the kitchen. I even scrubbed all my jewelry. Michael vacuumed while I put clean sheets on the bed. Then we watched more TV. 

It's the last day of 2017 and I've spent the whole day in pajamas. Later on, Michael will make Pad Thai and we'll eat while watching a movie. After a week of traveling and visiting friends and family in Oklahoma, we've opted for a New Year's Eve homebody celebration. The temperatures here are part of the reason we decided to stay in tonight. That, and I've also agreed to teach a yoga class in the morning. But really, it is too cold outside. The chickens have only left the roosting box for a minute to get a drink of water. I went out to feed them and nearly lost all of my fingers to frost bite. Right now my weather app says that it feels like minus seventeen outside. There's a lot of swearing any time I have to go out to the garage to get to the washer and dryer in the basement.  

I don't regret our choice for the evening. I'm glad I spent the day cleaning. It feels nice to know that we will be starting out the year with a clean house. It just feels nice to be starting a new year. Most of the time, I am ambivalent to moving from one year into the next. Of course there have been years I couldn't have said goodbye fast enough to, as if the idea of moving from one year to the next actually removes all the strife and grief from the previous year. Even then, I have made the transition from those bad years into the new year with apprehension and a wish that the new year is at the very least not as bad as the previous. The strife and grief doesn't change just because the planet got a year older. 

It is funny how this time of year makes us all a little bit more reflective and ambitious. We all take a moment to look back at the good and bad of the year. Then we all make plans for the next. Those plans often involve becoming better versions of ourselves: skinnier, healthier, more organized, more outgoing. I wake up with those very same plans every morning. If I were to make any kind of plan for this new year, it would be to finish a project. Any project. I've become the worst about starting things and just leaving them to sit and fester. I'd like to break that cycle in 2018. That is one of the reasons I'm thinking of doing another 365 Day photography project. The other reason is to remind myself to not just be content with this body, but to love this body. I do want more for 2018 than to simply finish a project. I look forward to the new joys and adventures to come in the next year, but I am content with that one resolution/wish.

RESOLVING

Ridiculously dumb, but it's making me laugh

"Ridiculously dumb, but it's making me laugh"

I know I said I was going to sit down and create a Vlog about all the things I want for 2016, but the idea of my face and voice on camera right now seems really unappealing. Note: there's nothing wrong with my face or voice and truth be told it's more about being too lazy to put together what I want and edit it in video. So it looks like I'm kicking off 2016 with a bout of lazy. Also, I'm still recovering from our trip to OK and the tense drive home through ice and snow. I feel like I'm shaped like the inside of my car. It's making me grumbly and not very pleasant and this post is not about that (or how I watched an egg boil while crying because weather cancelled plans to see friends, the holidays can be hard). This post is about the good things I want to see happen in 2016. 

If I were to do a video post about good things for 2016, it would start with a shameful video of my basement. I would expose the awful truth that is my basement and I'd do it mostly to shame myself into finally taking care of the mess. I don't need video evidence to be ashamed of the state of basement. Michael built some really lovely shelves (from pallets!) in one back corner area. Tuesday, I packed up all our Christmas and then we put those boxes on one of the shelves and it felt so good and organized and I have a plan for the basement. I will take off work during Michael's Spring Break to clean out the basement. The plan is to create four piles: things we're keeping, things we're selling, things we're donating and things we want to throw away. I will then call the Girls and Boys club to come get the things we're donating and I will call the Junk Guys and pay them to take away the trash. Things we are keeping/selling will all go onto the shelves. This is happening. It is happening this year. Cleaning out the basement is imperative if we are going to stay in this house. I know I said that cleaning out the basement was something that would be done in 2015 and I totally failed except for five bags of garbage. Yes. There's more than five bags of garbage down there. I'm telling you. The basement is BAD. It's embarrassing.  It's worse than behind the fridge, behind the couch and under the kitchen sink. Cleaning out this space would be the best good thing we could do in 2016.

The next part of that video post would be about garden stuff. I've had The Backyard Homestead on my Amazon wish list for a really long time. I finally gave in and bought the book a few weeks ago. This purchase came shortly after the arrival of my Bakers Creek Seed Catalogue. You guys? We can grow peanuts! See? See what happens? Every year I get that catalogue and I go insane. I buy things that don't grow. I buy things that grow like gang busters that we don't end up eating. Every year, I tell myself "Cindy! You're only going to plant what you'll eat!" The problem is I end up planting a lot of things I think we'll eat instead of things we actually eat. For instance, this year I planted fifty (exaggeration) squash plants. After eating squash four days in a row, we realized that we don't really eat squash. Squash is good, like every other week good, but not every single day of summer. One squash plant. That's really all we needed. Maybe two in case there are squash bugs. But a whole box and side bed devoted to squash was completely unnecessary. I need structure and discipline and a plan that's going to keep me from growing rows of miscellaneous veggies. At first glance, The Backyard Homestead makes me believe that I can have it all from goats to bees in my backyard. Once I started reading though, the authors made it clear that I do not have the space for having it all. They reached out of the page and slapped me in the face. "Snap out of it! You can only do this much. So do it!" I will spend these winter months putting together a list and a plan for the garden so that one of those good things for 2016 will be fresh veggies we actually eat. 

The basement and the garden are my main focus of good things for 2016. That doesn't mean I won't let myself be distracted by other things. I want to be more creative in 2016, maybe even start up a selfie 365 day project. A year of 40. Michael totally spoiled me this year for Christmas and my birthday with a new camera along with a fancy scarf styled camera strap that I'd been coveting for ages. I have no excuses. The lens isn't wonky. I actually have two lenses to choose from. Hell, the flash doesn't even make me mad. I want to use this camera. I want to be so comfortable with this camera that it's like an attachment to my body. It's part of my be more creative in 2016 plan. Michael and I want kayaks and envision early Saturday mornings kayaking down a river before breakfast. I want more bike to work days than drive to work days. I want scooter road trip adventures. I want more time on my yoga mat. The thought of teaching again has been tickling the back of my brain. I want to like this body again. I want to be healthy. I want to drop guilt and doubt. I want to be the best person I can be even when I'm in a room of negative people. 

I want good things for you in 2016. Here's to a wonderful, safe and happy New Year!

BREATHING UNDER WATER

Smudging for the New Year. #365 #dailyepiphanie

elephant_soap's photo on Instagram

There's song by Metric that I really like. The lyrics go "Is this my life? Ahhhh. Or am I breathing underwater?" I'm not really sure of how this song is interpreted or what Metric's intentions for the song' meaning are, but I hear it and I think of the disillusion of growing older. Those lines in the song always bring to mind the daily grind of life, all those things we need to do on a daily basis like work and school and how that endless loop of things lulls us into this zoned robotic state of mind. That's the breathing underwater part. Everything slows down underwater sure, but lack of gravity makes everything more challenging. So challenging in fact that sometimes all you can do is focus on trying to breath. The idea of weightlessness seems pretty nice until you have to force your limbs to move. When Emily Haines belts out "is this my life?", I hear a hint of disappointment. It's a question of what am I doing here? Am I living this life? Or am I just existing in this life?

I've just been existing lately. It's easier for me to do during the colder months around here. I am a sunshine weather girl. Except now that I think about it and look back on those sunshine weather moments, I'm not so sure I really took advantage of them. I've stalled out and fallen victim to my own attachment to routine. I'm left sitting here asking myself "is this my life?" in the way a high school football coach yells at his team "do you wanna win?" Yes! This is my life Yes! I wanna win! Fight! Fight! Fight! The inner coach is yelling back at me "Then get your ass up and live it! Now get out there and win!" And I know I've done entries this past year where I've talked about being in the rut of routine. 2014, the year of the rut and I mean the not fun definition of the word rut. 

I've never been big on making New Year resolutions. Sure I want a lot of things for this year, but it's OK if some of that rolls right on over into the next year and the year after that and so on. I don't want to be healthy just for this year. Getting "in shape" is not something you do once. It's more like brushing your teeth. Which should be done every day. Weekends are an exception. So for me to make a resolution that I will fill in the blank for 2015 just limits me to this year. But I will make a resolution not just for 2015, but the years to come that I will do less passive living and more active living. That's going to take some practice. Passive living has gotten kind of comfortable. I've gotten used to the raspy Darth Vader sound of breathing underwater. But even I know that those tanks of oxygen don't last forever. I can come up for air or drown.