LISTEN ALL Y'ALL, IT'S A SABOTAGE

I’ve sort of been ignoring my Self Care Circle activities. I’ve stopped adjusting my calendar or even looking at it. Working on goals has come to a complete stop. In fact, I don’t even remember what goals I set. That’s not true. I know precisely what goals I set for myself this year; I just have a case of the Don’tWannas at the moment. This was apparent when we met Sunday for our monthly group meeting because I had none of my self care circle kit of tools near me. No notebook, no sticky notes, no nothing. Except a pom-pom. We post things to celebrate at the beginning of each session and then we celebrate each other by shaking a pom-pom in front of our screens. I was prepared to celebrate others.

This month’s session was about sabotage in all forms. Sabotage from external sources. Sabotage from internal sources. Sabotage we might inflict on others. Some sabotage is good. It can keep us from doing something stupid, but sabotage can be bad, particularly when it keeps you from following through with actions and tasks that aid in the transformation of the person you want to be. Look, I know all about self sabotage. Self sabotage is probably one of my greatest skill sets. The language I use when speaking to myself is 100% negative and awful. I even hastily grabbed a notepad during the session just to write down that I am my own worst enemy. I take full responsibility for 80% of my fails. Those internal sources of sabotage are not what I have been ruminating on for the last few days.

It’s those external forces.

We talked about how we may have people in our lives who do not want you to change and transform into something different and new. They do not want to see you succeed. They will not say it out right; it will be sneaky. They’ll use language that will make you question yourself and make you worry if you’re doing the right thing. Instead of saying ‘you look great!’, they’ll say ask in an accusatory way ‘have you lost weight?’. Appearances are an easy one for those saboteurs, making a dig about how a piece of clothing fits or a haircut choice. Saboteurs go straight in for the negative thing and then quickly follow it up with something nice. Either they realize they sound thoughtless or they don’t actually want you to think they’re mean. They are the people in my life who I never mention the words ‘writing a book’ or ‘selling prints’. They are the people I keep secrets from.

I don’t want to name the saboteurs in my life. Not because it would be rude to publicly oust them. Not because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others. It is because I don’t want to admit that I’ve allowed certain people to remain present in my life. I don’t want to admit that I still spend time with my saboteurs, that I choose to be in earshot of their negativity. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I have ‘friends’ that are not fully supportive. I am embarrassed to admit that there are times that I allow their judgements to keep from writing the thing or printing the photo. I am embarrassed to admit that I have serious boundary issues.

I lied when I filled out my worksheet for Sabotage. I made up something else for those external saboteurs. Now I have to go back and erase them all and work harder to be honest. My year of difficult questions seems to have seasons. I’ve just entered the season of honesty and I’m not sure I care for it.

FILL IN THE BLANK

As we get closer to Christmas and the end of the year, I find it difficult to write anything. It’s like my brain just goes to battery saving mode and partially shuts down. I do things like tell myself how I’ll take care of this or that after the new year or I’ll buckle down in January. The truth is, January (and February really) is just my usual time to buckle, period. I have made some plans and some goals for next year. I signed myself up for a year of self care with a Self Care Circle led by a friend I made through camp. Rose is a Self Care Advocate, massage therapist and yoga teacher. I am not really sure what to expect from this journey, but she made me fill out an application that was filled with difficult questions. I answered each one with complete honesty, hit the submit button and then threw up. This Self Care Circle thing is way outside my comfort zone, but I’m hoping that it holds me accountable for some things I want to do.

Secret things.

Really…isn’t that part of my problem? Keeping some of my plans and bad habits a secret means that this audience can’t hold me accountable for not working on the plan or quitting the bad habit. There’s no one but me and my Catholic guilt habit to hold myself accountable or nudging me to keep going. If I don’t tell you the things I want to do and change, you won’t be disappointed when I don’t do the thing or make the change. One of the questions on the application had something to do with where you saw yourself this time next year. My answer was that I really wanted to be submitting a writing piece to a publisher. This is legit true. This is want I want. I want to stop talking about one day writing a book and actually write the goddamn book. I’ve started on it. I have notes and an outline. I am creating a list of people I want to interview for this project. I can do this.

But I’m going to need some nudging along the way.

I do plan on posting my annual slideshow, but from now until January, don’t expect to see much over here. I am allowing myself to have this break, to let half of my brain go into power saving mode. Because I am going to need my whole brain for 2022. May you all have a safe, healthy, and joyful Holiday.