LISTEN ALL Y'ALL, IT'S A SABOTAGE

I’ve sort of been ignoring my Self Care Circle activities. I’ve stopped adjusting my calendar or even looking at it. Working on goals has come to a complete stop. In fact, I don’t even remember what goals I set. That’s not true. I know precisely what goals I set for myself this year; I just have a case of the Don’tWannas at the moment. This was apparent when we met Sunday for our monthly group meeting because I had none of my self care circle kit of tools near me. No notebook, no sticky notes, no nothing. Except a pom-pom. We post things to celebrate at the beginning of each session and then we celebrate each other by shaking a pom-pom in front of our screens. I was prepared to celebrate others.

This month’s session was about sabotage in all forms. Sabotage from external sources. Sabotage from internal sources. Sabotage we might inflict on others. Some sabotage is good. It can keep us from doing something stupid, but sabotage can be bad, particularly when it keeps you from following through with actions and tasks that aid in the transformation of the person you want to be. Look, I know all about self sabotage. Self sabotage is probably one of my greatest skill sets. The language I use when speaking to myself is 100% negative and awful. I even hastily grabbed a notepad during the session just to write down that I am my own worst enemy. I take full responsibility for 80% of my fails. Those internal sources of sabotage are not what I have been ruminating on for the last few days.

It’s those external forces.

We talked about how we may have people in our lives who do not want you to change and transform into something different and new. They do not want to see you succeed. They will not say it out right; it will be sneaky. They’ll use language that will make you question yourself and make you worry if you’re doing the right thing. Instead of saying ‘you look great!’, they’ll say ask in an accusatory way ‘have you lost weight?’. Appearances are an easy one for those saboteurs, making a dig about how a piece of clothing fits or a haircut choice. Saboteurs go straight in for the negative thing and then quickly follow it up with something nice. Either they realize they sound thoughtless or they don’t actually want you to think they’re mean. They are the people in my life who I never mention the words ‘writing a book’ or ‘selling prints’. They are the people I keep secrets from.

I don’t want to name the saboteurs in my life. Not because it would be rude to publicly oust them. Not because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of others. It is because I don’t want to admit that I’ve allowed certain people to remain present in my life. I don’t want to admit that I still spend time with my saboteurs, that I choose to be in earshot of their negativity. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I have ‘friends’ that are not fully supportive. I am embarrassed to admit that there are times that I allow their judgements to keep from writing the thing or printing the photo. I am embarrassed to admit that I have serious boundary issues.

I lied when I filled out my worksheet for Sabotage. I made up something else for those external saboteurs. Now I have to go back and erase them all and work harder to be honest. My year of difficult questions seems to have seasons. I’ve just entered the season of honesty and I’m not sure I care for it.