JAIL TIME

On Sunday, I started feeling congested and achy. Then chills set in and there might have been a low grade fever going on. I panicked and freaked out. All I could think was that I somehow had gotten COVID. I mean all of my symptoms were on the list. By Monday morning, I was still feeling achy. So I called in sick and scheduled an appointment for a COVID test. Now I am officially in COVID jail. I am not allowed back to work until I have a negative COVID test and symptom free for twenty four hours.

I feel much better today, though a bit silly.

No…I feel a lot silly. The thing is, we’ve had a rash of COVID exposures recently and I feel like I have narrowly avoided COVID jail up until now. I know I have made the right and responsible choices, but responsible choices are hard. Now, I’m sitting on the couch and watching bad TV and thinking about the things around the house I should be doing. I have little motivation to do more than that. I did have grand delusions of mowing the front yard today, but the weather had other plans for me. Josephine seems more than content to lay here next to me while I type. It is all too easy to stay put.

I can spend this time reading the manual for my new camera. On Saturday, I very confidently (and masked) walked into a store expecting to walk out with a new Canon, but instead walked out with a new Nikon. It seems that I am addicted to Apple products and Nikons. Though, I had done my research before walking into that shop and the sales person knew they were dealing with a knowledgable person, I have to admit that once I had the camera out of the box, a wave of insecurity hit me hard. What am I even doing? Who do I think I am? The voices of self doubt are harsh.

Months ago, I completed the Wholehearted Inventory in preparation for a book club. I set my results aside and even forgot about them. Book club finally got it together and we had our first Zoom meeting this week, where I discovered that I had been reading the wrong book. I had been reading Daring Greatly all this time and wondering what the heck the Wholehearted Inventory had to do with this book. What I was supposed to be reading was The Gifts of Imperfection. Apparently that book is all about the Wholehearted Inventory. At one moment during the book club meeting, we got way off topic and were talking about random things. Then Pam, our book club leader, said “wait..how did we get so off topic?” I replied “Avoidance.” Then we laughed because it was probably true.

The section on the Wholehearted Inventory that I need the most work just happens to be the section on perfectionism and self compassion. The new camera may be a Nikon and that does mean that there are some similarities. Buttons are in the same places, but that is about it. I have a whole lot of learning to do and I expect to take a whole lot of crappy pictures. I am not going to start out taking perfect pictures and I am intimidated. And I lack self compassion for my feelings of intimidation. I started thinking about getting a new camera because I felt it was time to challenge myself more. So I’ve done it. I’ve given myself the gift of a challenge, of learning something new. But I have also given myself the gift of working on self compassion.