JAIL TIME

On Sunday, I started feeling congested and achy. Then chills set in and there might have been a low grade fever going on. I panicked and freaked out. All I could think was that I somehow had gotten COVID. I mean all of my symptoms were on the list. By Monday morning, I was still feeling achy. So I called in sick and scheduled an appointment for a COVID test. Now I am officially in COVID jail. I am not allowed back to work until I have a negative COVID test and symptom free for twenty four hours.

I feel much better today, though a bit silly.

No…I feel a lot silly. The thing is, we’ve had a rash of COVID exposures recently and I feel like I have narrowly avoided COVID jail up until now. I know I have made the right and responsible choices, but responsible choices are hard. Now, I’m sitting on the couch and watching bad TV and thinking about the things around the house I should be doing. I have little motivation to do more than that. I did have grand delusions of mowing the front yard today, but the weather had other plans for me. Josephine seems more than content to lay here next to me while I type. It is all too easy to stay put.

I can spend this time reading the manual for my new camera. On Saturday, I very confidently (and masked) walked into a store expecting to walk out with a new Canon, but instead walked out with a new Nikon. It seems that I am addicted to Apple products and Nikons. Though, I had done my research before walking into that shop and the sales person knew they were dealing with a knowledgable person, I have to admit that once I had the camera out of the box, a wave of insecurity hit me hard. What am I even doing? Who do I think I am? The voices of self doubt are harsh.

Months ago, I completed the Wholehearted Inventory in preparation for a book club. I set my results aside and even forgot about them. Book club finally got it together and we had our first Zoom meeting this week, where I discovered that I had been reading the wrong book. I had been reading Daring Greatly all this time and wondering what the heck the Wholehearted Inventory had to do with this book. What I was supposed to be reading was The Gifts of Imperfection. Apparently that book is all about the Wholehearted Inventory. At one moment during the book club meeting, we got way off topic and were talking about random things. Then Pam, our book club leader, said “wait..how did we get so off topic?” I replied “Avoidance.” Then we laughed because it was probably true.

The section on the Wholehearted Inventory that I need the most work just happens to be the section on perfectionism and self compassion. The new camera may be a Nikon and that does mean that there are some similarities. Buttons are in the same places, but that is about it. I have a whole lot of learning to do and I expect to take a whole lot of crappy pictures. I am not going to start out taking perfect pictures and I am intimidated. And I lack self compassion for my feelings of intimidation. I started thinking about getting a new camera because I felt it was time to challenge myself more. So I’ve done it. I’ve given myself the gift of a challenge, of learning something new. But I have also given myself the gift of working on self compassion.

NEW TRICKS

First attempt with a new toy.

11 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "First attempt with a new toy."

My friend Sean Patrick posted a Polaroid Impulse on an online market place a little while back. I saw it and felt a spark. So I sent him a message asking him if the camera worked. He replied back that the he’d just send me the camera and if it worked, I could just send him some money. If it didn’t I’d just have a 70s era vintage Polaroid to put on display. I did not hesitate in my response. I replied back with “send me that camera!” and then I started looking up film sources. You see that part up there where I mention feeling a spark? I saw that camera and thought about all the artsy photography crap I could do with it and felt inspired. That was all before I saw how much film was going to cost.

Fun fact: The vintage Polaroids like the Impulse do not have batteries. The battery is built into a package of film. That’s partly why the film for this camera is so expensive. The other part is just because ….film. This is a digital world (and I’m a digital girl). Film is just pricey.

Then I got real nervous. Michael said something about how I better be sure to know what I’m photographing, which didn’t make me feel any better. I ordered the wrong film (film for the new Polaroids DO NOT work with the old ones). I was already making mistakes and sabotaging myself and that was before I even loaded the correct film and took a picture. I was suddenly paralyzed with fear of taking a terrible picture and wasting film. This was a really stupid purchase and I can’t be an artsy photographer. I stewed over this for a few days. Saturday morning, we went to watch the Cabbage play soccer. After her game, we were all trying to figure out what other sports she could try. Every thing we suggested, softball, basketball, swimming, the Cabbage would shrug her shoulders and say something about how she wouldn’t be able to hit the ball, shoot the ball and she’s not a great swimmer. She didn’t want to do it if she wasn’t already good at it. She didn’t even want to try it.

That evening as I sipped on my gin and tonic, I thought about not doing something unless I was already good at it. I bought a scooter with the assumption that I would just know how to ride. I did not, as it turned out, know how to ride a scooter. I came close to running into three different parked cars before I parked my scooter into the garage, marched into the house and flopped down on our bed in tears. Chris came in and sat down next to me and placed his hand on my knee. I told him that I think I just made a terrible mistake. He told me to wait until I had a proper helmet and could practice. I got a helmet and I practiced. I practiced, practiced, practiced. I passed the test for my motorcycle license on the first try. My scooter is way more expensive than the film I purchased for that camera. The consequences of failure on the scooter is a lot more costly than taking a bad picture.

I got up and positioned my gin tea cup and saucer on the kitchen table and I grabbed the Polaroid. And… I took a not so great picture. It’s blurry and weird, but kind of creepy in a way that I like. I learned something about this camera that I didn’t expect. I’ve never shot a gun, but I have heard people talk about recoil. This camera has a recoil that I wasn’t prepared for. That’s part of the reason the image turned out blurry. The other reason is the manual focus. The subject needs to be at least four to ten feet away, which goes against my usuall method of getting up close and personal. Distance. I need distance. This camera is going to teach me that.

This camera is going to teach me a lot things.

BAG IT

New bag

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Michael and I were out on our scooters recently when we came to a cool section of road. The street narrowed down to one lane and you had to go through a tunnel. There is a stop light on either side of this tunnel, so you don’t end up crashing with on coming traffic. When we got to the tunnel, our light was red and I thought “what a great picture!”. Except in order for me to get that picture, I had to put my scooter on its stand, turn off the engine, remove the key and then use the key to unlock my seat so I can retrieve my camera. The light changed before I could complete step four. I did not get the picture I wanted. I did not even get a picture I didn’t want. Zero pictures were taken.

What I need it some sort of quick-draw camera system for when I’m riding the scooter. I need to be the Annie Oakley of photography.

I’ve been carting a backpack around for a couple of years. It’s big and has a padded bottom. My backpack holds my iPad or my laptop or both as well as my camera, an extra lens, and all of the other bits of things one tends to cart around with them. In my case, the extra things just happen to be two melted caramel apple suckers from Ike’s and half a sand dollar I collected from a beach in Oregon. Clearly, I have room to pair down the crap I cart around with me. I have been half seriously looking at bag options for traveling lighter, but the need to easily and quickly get to my camera (any one of them) made me step up the search. I read some reviews and did some research before purchasing the KAVU Rope Sling bag and this was my first weekend to test it out.

I am not disappointed with this purchase.

It comfortably and easily holds everything I need to carry with me during the week. I’m going to put an emphasis on the word ‘need’. I do not need to lug my large lens with me every day. I do not need to lug around half a box of tampons with me every day, which is what I found in in the bottom of one zippered compartment while cleaning out the backpack. I could stand to get a smaller wallet. In fact, the current wallet is an old wallet that I started using again after the zipper on my smaller wallet broke. My water bottle will fit in that pocket if I downsize my wallet. The list of things I need to cart around on weekends is even less. I don’t take my iPad every where on weekends. The KAVU bag meets all of these needs and it’s comfortable to carry on my back. Also, because of the sling design, I can flip the bag around and access the pockets quickly. My phone (camera 1) fits in the front pocket for easy access, while my Nikon (camera 2) fits in the larger compartment. If I’m thinking straight when I pack the Nikon, I can pack it in such a way that when I reach in, my hand fits around the camera body in shooting mode. I’m not Annie Oakley fast on the draw, but I’m sure that I will get better with practice.

I think this is going to be my new favorite traveling bag. I wore it all day on Saturday and I didn’t ever feel tightness or tension in my right shoulder. That is something I experience with every over the shoulder bag. I have a tiny wallet like bag that just holds my phone and a couple of cards. Even that bag makes that area between my neck and shoulder tight by the end of a day. And I love that tiny bag. It has the cutest elephant stitched to the outside. The KAVU bag distributes the weight of my things across my back. It is compact and less clunky than the backpack. It is also water proof. My backpack is not. I really used to stress about getting caught in the rain with that backpack on my back. I don’t have to worry about that now.

Look, no one’s paying me to write this post. I just don’t have anything else I want to talk about today.

CAMERAS

Bud

5 Likes, 1 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Bud"

We are getting ready for a family vacation that will start at Alabaster Caverns in Oklahoma. Then we will make our way to Clayton, New Mexico for a couple of nights, followed up with three nights in the Gunnison area of Colorado. Then we will make our way home through Dodge City. When we first talked about this trip, I was thinking of my childhood summers in Colorado and running around campgrounds with other kids. We were a wild pack of animals, climbing up sides of mountains and throwing rocks into streams and rivers. I was always dirty and pink from too much sun. I think the Cabbage will have those experiences in Oklahoma and New Mexico. It's when we get to Colorado that I am a little worried. We will be staying in a primitive campsite without electricity. No wifi. No YouTube videos. Maybe no other kids. She's going to have to entertain herself, something she's not used to doing around us. 

I thought maybe giving the Cabbage a camera for our trip might keep her a little bit occupied. Or help. Or I have no idea. I dug up my old Sony point-n-shoot and plugged the battery into a charger. It still had an SD card in it even though it has been years and years since I've used it. I had no idea what was even on that SD card. So I popped it into my card reader and had a look. The card is full of pictures from my very first trip to New York. I have a whole series of images with Hamburger Helper hanging out in New York and they are on this SD card. I was pretty excited about this because I thought those original images were lost. I tend to upload smaller version of original data. Those smaller versions do not print well and I've always thought the Hamburger Helper series would make great art for a kitchen. The Bagel Boyfriend picture is also on this card and it dawned on me that this was the camera that started it all. 

This tiny little, weigh nothing, eight mega pixel camera was the camera that made me want to start taking better pictures. Chris bought it for me after he'd spent days and days researching cameras. He eventually bought the same camera for himself. I still have it. It is sitting on my dresser, untouched because I do not want to go through the pictures on his SD card. The first year we (Chris, Amy, Brian, a couple we don't talk to anymore because they got cut from the team) all did the 365 day photo project, this was the camera I used. I must have upgraded cameras soon after that New York trip, but I don't remember doing so. I did notice a shift in the quality of images on the SD card. You can see the point where I start paying more attention to light and how to frame things in a shot. Suddenly I started looking at things around me from different angles. I started paying attention. Looking at that camera now, I get a little nostalgic. If I were a painter, this camera would be the equivalent of the first paintbrush I used to create my first decent piece of art. I, by no means, consider myself to be a great photographer now, but I do recognize that I am a better photographer. This practice and art has become my meditation. It has made me more mindful and my camera has become as important to me as my yoga mat.

I have no idea what to expect from the Cabbage, how she'll take to being handed a camera or if she will even use it. I hope that it sparks something in her. I want to look at the pictures she takes to see what she finds interesting, to see her perspective on this world. It would be nice to believe that I am passing some kind of torch on to a new generation.