THESE DAYS

I took a series of nude photos of myself over the weekend. I had been thinking about it for a while, how I had done this many years ago, but never revisited those photos or thought about retaking them. It was a birthday thing. I did it during a time of creative struggle and insecurity. I would have thought that I would have revisited the nude photography after losing weight, but I just never really wanted to take the time to do it. I wrote a whole blog post about the pros and cons of nude photos. Then I deleted the whole thing. I think really, I didn’t want to write a whole entry about honesty in photography and then not post the picture. Because I was not about to publicly post a nude photo of myself.

I am a professional.

The story itself is one you’ve all heard before. It was the kind of post that reeks of the navel gazing that comes with turning a year older. It’s a story I didn’t really feel like telling again, but the one that I came up with because right now, I’m feeling a little bit like a dumpster fire. Michael tested positive for COVID on Friday and has been quarantined in the basement for the last five days. He’s fine; it was like having a bad cold. The weather turned gross and coated everything with a layer of ice and snow. This kept me from wanting to leave the house to even go grocery shopping. Work is real weird and politically dramatic right now. I’m doing my best to keep my head down and focused on the work, which isn’t hard because there’s a lot of microscopy related science happening right now. My yoga practice has gotten sketchy because anytime I am forced to be still with my thoughts, I start crying.

Every day, when I start to berate myself for not walking enough or skipping a workout or eating a cookie, I pause. Then I gently close my eyes and whisper “Be kind to yourself.” In those moments when I am alone with my own memories and tears start to leak out, I gently close my eyes and whisper “Be kind to yourself.” On those days when I fail to be inspired to take any pictures or write any words, I gently close my eyes and whisper “Be kind to yourself.” On the days where I feel like I am only putting in about 50% of effort, I gently close my eyes and whisper “Be kind to yourself.”

Tomorrow, I turn a year older. I gently close my eyes and whisper “Be kind to yourself.”