UP A CREEK

I dreamed that I was attempting to cross a very wide river in a kayak, but instead of having a paddle, all I had was a tennis racket. I can’t say that a tennis racket is absolutely useless as a paddle. Thanks to it’s shape and net dimensions it does provide some water resistance for propelling a small craft, just not a lot of it. So I was making little headway getting across this very wide river. I don’t know if I ever made it across because I woke up pretty soon after realizing my paddle was a tennis racket.

On Saturday, Lauren and I attended Community Defense Training in a church packed with concerned community members. I learned a lot and took copious notes. We’re being discretionary with the information while trying to spread it around (please feel free to message me with questions). If anything, it was helpful to know my legal rights and what I can do if I see ICE Agents. Monday morning, Jenn sent a group text to me and Lauren that she had spotted ICE agents in our neighborhood. Lauren immediately had Jenn call the local helpline while I sent her information on what she needed to tell the people on the helpline. The helpline sends out people to get more information on who and where people are being taken by the agents. They also help get legal aid to those being detained. Legal aid is very important since 89% of cases fail without legal representation.

Team work activism!

After the training, Lauren took me home and we sat in her car in my driveway talking about grace and how we tend to not give ourselves enough of it. We tell ourselves we are not enough while trying to do all of the things while being socially and ecologically responsible, but the thing is, it is not physically sustainable or possible to do all of the things and then some. Recent studies of autoimmune diseases show that women are more likely to be susceptible to autoimmune disorders because they are trying to do all the things while ignoring their own discomfort. Instead of saying “wait…I’m not feeling well…I can’t do all of the things?” we like to pat ourselves on the backs for doing all of the things in spite of not feeling well. In turn, the body’s immune system starts attacking you because you have been unkind to your own body.

We must give ourselves some grace.

Lately, I have felt paralyzed over knowing that I needed to help my community is some way but not having any idea how to help my community. I thought for sure that I was not doing enough because I was not doing anything other than blogging about ways to help. Record scratch…sharing ways to help is doing something. Community Defense Training also gave me clear instructions and ways that I can do more. Getting training is doing something. Am I buying the most ethically caught shrimp from Costco? Probably not, but my soap comes from the refill station. That’s gotta cancel something out. I am doing what I can, in this moment.

Even if it feels like I’m paddling a kayak with a tennis racket.

THANKFUL

It’s been a really long time since I skipped a Thankful Friday post. I also have not taken a week of vacation to stay home since…well, since a really long time. I don’t want to write about the last time I stayed home for a week. Let me tell you about this week, well last week, but you get it. First, I went on a wonderful retreat with a lovely group of women. We dug for crystals and made magic under the light of a full moon. I knew that I would want a day of recuperation from this retreat and I first intended to only take off Monday. Then my friend Melissa said “We need to go see The National at Grinders!” and I said “We do need to go see The National at Grinders!” That concert was on Tuesday and I knew that I’d be cranky and tired if I went to work the next day. I looked at my vacation time and it suddenly made perfect sense to just take the whole week off from work.

So, what did I do with a whole week to myself?

Well, one day I did absolutely nothing but go grocery shopping and lay on the couch watching TV. Then there was one day when I had breakfast with my friend Jenn and cleaned a lot of the house. Like behind the toilet cleaned the house. The next day, I scrubbed the kitchen and even cleaned the dog door flap so that you can now see through it. I took everything out of my dining room hutch and took the hutch apart. Then I bought paint and new hardware. I spent one day painting the hutch. I made pizza dough. I put the hutch back together and took the Cabbage to the dentist. The new handles for the drawers required new holes drilled because I could not find anything to fit the pre-existing holes. Michael took care of this on Saturday, as well as installing a new closing mechanism for the doors. Everything was put back into place and the hutch looks like a new piece of furniture. Also, it no longer squeaks and rattles when you walk by it.

Two of my camp/self care circle buddies rode with me to the retreat and one of our topics of discussion was on how the Self Care Circle thing was working for us. This is what I told them. The goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year have gone mostly nowhere. I haven’t actively worked on at least two of those goals in months. One goal was to get to know my new camera and I’m counting the moments I pick this camera up as time spent working on that goal. Everything else has sat gathering dust bunnies, but here is how the circle has helped me. I have a visual record of all the things I do everyday with my color coded calendar and I have gotten better at not being my own personal bully. The very idea of taking time off work just to stay home would have been a hard pass not a chance concept for a past version of me. Even now, I have a growing list in my head of things I did not do last week and this would normally leave me feeling guilty and regretful. I have learned to have grace for myself and instead of being left with a not enough feeling, I feel very impressed with the things I accomplished last week. Sure, I could tell you all about the things I did not do, like get on my yoga mat or write. I barely even took any photos. I sure didn’t walk the dog (I did wash her). The things I didn’t do, doesn’t matter.

Last night in Self Care Meeting, we talked about minimalism and cleaning out spaces. I’m really good at purging my closets and books. What I am not good at is purging things from my calendar. This is where I need more space. Last week was kind of about that. It was me taking care of all those home chore tasks and projects so that I can free up time for the things I want to be doing. Now all I need to do is figure out what it is that I truly want to be doing.