THE GREAT SANDWICH

In my most recent newsletter from Karen Walrond, she talked bout the origins and the state of limbo. And I read it while nodding my head and agreeing completely. Limbo aptly describes how I am feeling right now. There are two weeks left to this year. Just two! And once again, I’m sitting here gobsmacked that we are on the cusp of a brand new year. Yes, I know we haven’t even gotten to Christmas, but that’s NEXT WEEK! I spent some time on Saturday wrapping the few gifts I have for the Cabbage and hanging our stockings. They have two more gifts coming, but those probably will not get here until after Christmas. The Cabbage was a little late in providing me with a want list. They’re okay with the state of things. Any way, my tasks are mostly complete.

I am very much feeling in between, hovering in the moment of just before.

I’ve thrown all usual habits into a dumpster, poured lighter fluid in and threw in a lit match. Dog walks and yoga time have become distant foggy memories. But today is the first day in weeks where I have not had large amounts mucus flowing like hot lava from my nose. I can’t even try to form a snot bubble from one of my nostrils and no longer have the red scaly nose of a toddler. I finally feel well and spent the weekend scrubbing my grimy house. I also made a very successful batch of sourdough ciabatta rolls. The successful loaf of bread is in reach. I might actually do that next.

This time of year is never a great time for my brain. It’s the beginning of dark times and mean reds. Being organized and efficient does not work in my favor as it frees up empty swaths of time. Last week, I used some of that time to work on a writing project that’s been sitting idle in my docs. I was writing about something from the past and how I was manipulated by a loved one and I got so angry. I just sat there fuming at this thing that I couldn’t change and had no control over to begin with. I do not have the time to waste on being angry with this person, nor would it change anything. The only benefit of writing this event down and rekindling this anger is knowing that this is something I can consider whenever that same person tries to guilt me in some fashion.

So you can see…empty swaths of time for me means picking and probing at long passed events like a tongue with a mouth sore. I dissect old moments to find out how I could have handled them better or handled them at all. When I’m not picking at old scabs, I’m scratching in new wounds of belligerence for falling off the exercise horse. “Fatty Fat Fat” I say as I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. As if my little hiatus on exercise has anything to do with the size of my waistline. My lack of usual movement is causing me to hallucinate and see a reflection that is not necessarily true. Some of you are thinking “Cindy, this is an easy fix. You feel better, so start moving your body more.” But those people who think that do not know how tired I am all the time. I could lay down on the floor under my desk and take a nap right now. Except I wouldn’t sleep because the Catch 22 here is that I’m not a napper.

I am in a time sandwich, meaning this is the filling between two slices of bread and it is a terrible sandwich. Worse than the one Talaura thought I’d left her when went to that camping music festival in Guthrie. Look… it’s a complicated story made funny only by too much heat and probably too much booze. It’s a ‘you had to be there’ thing. I can make a good sandwich. Hell, just the other day, I whipped up a tuna salad to put on a ciabatta roll that Michael said was the best tuna salad he’d ever tasted in his life. That’s saying something because when ever I suggest tuna salad as an option, he makes the face of someone who just smelled a bag of rotten farts. I have good sandwich making skills; I could make a better, less self destructive time sandwich.

I think that I am going to focus on being a better sandwich. Do less brain picking and have more dance parties at my desk. I’ll be back later next week with a Year in Pictures post.

Happy Holidays!

HOLIDAY. CELEBRATE.

This has been the most relaxed Thanksgiving Holiday since we were forced to isolate during the worst COVID year of 2020. Wednesday evening, after I’d finished making the pies to take over to Terry’s, Michael made Korean Fried chicken for our dinner. Then we decided to never fry anything every again. The end. Thursday morning, I attended, and ended up assisting, a Deep Stretch Yoga class taught by Kelly and hosted by Co-op Fitness. We were not expected at Terry’s until four that afternoon and the only thing I had to do was put my tofurkey in the oven.

We spent our Thanksgiving evening at Terry’s where I absorbed as much laughter and love as I could and drank way too much gin. I dragged myself out of bed the next morning, ate a piece of apple pie for breakfast and then went grocery shopping. I went to Aldi and there was no one there. Grocery shopping has never been easier. It was wonderful. Then we went to IKEA and it was the SAME. Deserted! Which never happens on any afternoon. We had to walk backwards through that store twice (don’t ask) and there was no feeling of swimming against traffic. Our next stop was Costco and that place was just as dead as IKEA and for once, I didn’t nearly go insane trying to maneuver our cart up down the isles. Our errand run went so well on Friday, that I came home and set up most of our Christmas. All I had left to do on Saturday was hang stockings, set up my outside Christmas elephant, and finish up the laundry. As luck would have it, my Christmas cards arrived and I got all of them addressed (mostly…I had to place another order).

Sunday was left completely free. There was nothing that needed to be done and I chose to spend my time watching Wednesday on Netflix while working on my lesson plan for a six week beginning yoga series. Then, I spent an hour and half on my yoga mat and ruined a pot of beans (it was the bean and I’m not ready to talk about it). It was such a great holiday that I decided to extend it for a day because the cold that the Cabbage passed to Michael, finally made it to me. Last night it felt like Michael and I were competing for who had the loudest cough. He’s winning.

Today’s Facebook memory was from ten years ago.

I just blew a snot bubble out my nose. I think I should put this as a skill in my online dating profile.

So, really nothing has changed. Or at least not much.

This is the last week of the second to the last month of this year and I have mixed feelings. I have no desire to think about any of the things I did not accomplish this year. At the same time, I don’t really feel like bragging about the things I did accomplish this year. I don’t want to go on about how the month of December feels busy and rushed. There’s not that much more on my calendar for the month of December then there was for any other month this year. Every year is like a giant pot of soup of my own making and I’m really good at making soup (ignoring the whole beans incident; not all beans cook like beans). My soups are guaranteed to have onions, garlic, mixed vegetables and vegetable broth. The rest of the ingredients vary depending on availability and mood. It always turns out to be delicious and satisfying. The same can be said about each year. My perspective in regards to calendar obligations has shifted.

And that’s probably my biggest accomplishment.