FEMININITY

How do you express your femininity?

That was a question on a questionnaire that I had to fill out for this retreat. I had zero answers. I ended up writing something about a favorite dress, but even then I felt I was just putting down place holder words. That favorite dress is basically a tent. I might even make it my Halloween costume this year because it makes me look like an umbrella. But I LOVE it. I have always gravitated to clothing that hides my shape. Baggy t-shirts and jeans, oversized slip dresses with giant cardigans, large draping tunics. Clothing that doesn’t touch my skin. That’s my jam. Amani introduced me to a clothing store in Vancouver filled with crisp, clean drapey clothes. With unlimited funds, I would have purchased one of everything.

Expressing my femininity has never been a thought in my brain. Until now. Now, I sit around pondering this question and every answer I come up with is still place holder words. I have excuses. They all center around the patriarchy and living in a ‘man’s’ world. I was a very determined and driven youth. So I hid the feminine parts of myself to avoid unwanted attention and groping. Nothing would deter me from my goals: get to college, be a scientist. It worked so well that I didn’t have my first kiss until I was almost seventeen and it was one hundred percent on my terms. Boys did not look at me and I only had to say a few sentences for them to decide that this was not a girl to hang with. I had too many thoughts, too many views. Chris was different, but then again he was more man than boy when we met. My femininity took second place to my brain. He didn’t mind the thoughts and the views. He relished them.

Hilary Clinton recently revealed her reasoning behind her famous pant suits. She was wearing a skirt while on a visit to Africa. A picture was taken of her sitting on a couch with a diplomat and even though she thought she was sitting properly, apparently her underwear was showing. Photographers took advantage and before she knew it, that picture was being used to advertise lingerie. After that, she questioned every time she walked on stage and the angle of a photographer’s lens. Her answer was to wear pants and not worry about it ever again. So much of our femininity tends to be wrapped around our appearance and the judging eyes of men. We’ve been conditioned to the idea that femininity is in the dresses we wear and paint we put on our faces.

fem·i·nin·i·ty

/ˌfeməˈninədē/

noune

qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women.

"she alternated between embracing her femininity and concealing it"

Seeing the written definition of a word has a way of striking cords and changing perspectives. Over time, words sort of lose their original meanings or the meaning becomes hidden, construed. Whenever I am struggling with a word, I always take a moment to remind myself of that word’s basic meaning. One of the things that I told Roze before heading out to this retreat was how excited I was to be going to something like this and not having to do anything. I would not have to teach a class or help with meals. I would not have to care for any one but myself, but after our morning of digging for crystals, I found myself stepping into the kitchen and helping Erica with dinner preparations. I was not asked. I just saw a need and stepped in. Of course I was breaking the rules. Roze had already put a “No Cindy In the Kitchen” rule in place, but in that instance, I ignored the rule.

This is how I express my femininity. I do not express it with appearances. I express it in my actions, in how I care for those around me and in my willingness to step in and help in times of need. Caring. Nurturing. These qualities feel soft to me and my first instinct is shove aside the idea of softness, as if softness is a weakness. But caring and nurturing others requires strength.

I am embracing this softness with open arms.

PRIVILEGE

Levels of gray

8 Likes, 0 Comments - Cindy Maddera (@elephant_soap) on Instagram: "Levels of gray"

My brother said something over the weekend about how he’s supposedly the enemy now because he is a white privileged male. He followed this up with how he didn’t understand how he was privileged because he’s had to work hard for everything he has. He sounded dejected as he said all of this and I felt bad for him. My brother is a good man. I wanted to explain to him how, even though he’s worked hard for everything, he still has a certain amount of privilege allotted to him because of the color of his skin and his maleness. How do you explain to someone who hasn’t had it easy, that they are privileged?

Privilege: a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

I can see my brother reading this definition and asking “what was my special right?” Oklahoma is still a very racially segregated state. Most, if not all, of what he experiences is in a community of white where marginalization is socioeconomic. As a good friend of my pointed out, even the right to work is a privilege. This study is a good example of how just the name on your resume can keep you from getting a job.

White names receive 50 percent more callbacks for interviews

I once had a boss ask me if it was true that some of the people we were working with didn’t want to talk to me because I am a woman. He said this with all sincerity. He was genuinely clueless. It just never dawned on him that this sort of discrimination was happening in his environment. Because it was something he himself had never experienced. This is privilege. Walking into a store without being under constant supervision because of the color of your skin is a privilege. Going to buy a wedding cake and not being turned away due to your sexual orientation is a privilege. Being paid and treated the same as your coworkers is a privilege.

I recognize that I too have many privileges allotted to me. I didn’t ask for them, but I sure did take advantage of the safety it provided me. I allowed myself to be naive in thinking that all people had the same advantages if they only worked hard for it. Honestly, I didn’t have to work all that hard to get to where I am today. Scholarships just appeared. My parents had just enough. I did not have to work and support myself while I was getting an education. THAT IS A PRIVILEGE. With my whole heart, I believe this should not be a privilege but a right for everyone. Now I use the benefits of my privilege to support education whether it be through volunteer outreach or donations. The first step is recognizing your privilege. The second step is using that privilege to do good, to speaking up for the marginalized and to be grateful.

Your privilege doesn’t make you an enemy unless you believe that you are owed these privileges because of your race. Or that you are owed these privileges at all. This is an important conversation that we need to be having because we need good men like my brother on our side. The last thing I want is for my brother to feel threatened or alienated for a number of reasons. Look what happens when white men feel threatened and alienated. They do stupid things like vote for Trump, hold rallies declaring their superiority, and have parades promoting their homophobia.