FEMININITY

How do you express your femininity?

That was a question on a questionnaire that I had to fill out for this retreat. I had zero answers. I ended up writing something about a favorite dress, but even then I felt I was just putting down place holder words. That favorite dress is basically a tent. I might even make it my Halloween costume this year because it makes me look like an umbrella. But I LOVE it. I have always gravitated to clothing that hides my shape. Baggy t-shirts and jeans, oversized slip dresses with giant cardigans, large draping tunics. Clothing that doesn’t touch my skin. That’s my jam. Amani introduced me to a clothing store in Vancouver filled with crisp, clean drapey clothes. With unlimited funds, I would have purchased one of everything.

Expressing my femininity has never been a thought in my brain. Until now. Now, I sit around pondering this question and every answer I come up with is still place holder words. I have excuses. They all center around the patriarchy and living in a ‘man’s’ world. I was a very determined and driven youth. So I hid the feminine parts of myself to avoid unwanted attention and groping. Nothing would deter me from my goals: get to college, be a scientist. It worked so well that I didn’t have my first kiss until I was almost seventeen and it was one hundred percent on my terms. Boys did not look at me and I only had to say a few sentences for them to decide that this was not a girl to hang with. I had too many thoughts, too many views. Chris was different, but then again he was more man than boy when we met. My femininity took second place to my brain. He didn’t mind the thoughts and the views. He relished them.

Hilary Clinton recently revealed her reasoning behind her famous pant suits. She was wearing a skirt while on a visit to Africa. A picture was taken of her sitting on a couch with a diplomat and even though she thought she was sitting properly, apparently her underwear was showing. Photographers took advantage and before she knew it, that picture was being used to advertise lingerie. After that, she questioned every time she walked on stage and the angle of a photographer’s lens. Her answer was to wear pants and not worry about it ever again. So much of our femininity tends to be wrapped around our appearance and the judging eyes of men. We’ve been conditioned to the idea that femininity is in the dresses we wear and paint we put on our faces.

fem·i·nin·i·ty

/ˌfeməˈninədē/

noune

qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women.

"she alternated between embracing her femininity and concealing it"

Seeing the written definition of a word has a way of striking cords and changing perspectives. Over time, words sort of lose their original meanings or the meaning becomes hidden, construed. Whenever I am struggling with a word, I always take a moment to remind myself of that word’s basic meaning. One of the things that I told Roze before heading out to this retreat was how excited I was to be going to something like this and not having to do anything. I would not have to teach a class or help with meals. I would not have to care for any one but myself, but after our morning of digging for crystals, I found myself stepping into the kitchen and helping Erica with dinner preparations. I was not asked. I just saw a need and stepped in. Of course I was breaking the rules. Roze had already put a “No Cindy In the Kitchen” rule in place, but in that instance, I ignored the rule.

This is how I express my femininity. I do not express it with appearances. I express it in my actions, in how I care for those around me and in my willingness to step in and help in times of need. Caring. Nurturing. These qualities feel soft to me and my first instinct is shove aside the idea of softness, as if softness is a weakness. But caring and nurturing others requires strength.

I am embracing this softness with open arms.